Empty Spaces

It's been a while since I was last on here. I know my last few posts haven't exactly been very easy to read or positive, and the few who have read my blog would probably think that I'm a very troubled, deeply depressed, confused and negative person. I guess thats somewhat true to an extent. The thing is though, this blog is usually my last resort, and I come here to spill my guts, to expell the toxins in my life and i guess the blog serves its purpose as a blackhole to which i dump my emotions in. With that said, the reason i guess that a lot of my posts aren't very positive is that when im in a good mood, i dont generally feel the need to come here. With that said, I now have several followers - which is more than what i ever imagined, since from the start, I always thought this blog would remain unread by anyone except for me. To those people, I'd like to say thankyou. Thankyou for being here, and giving me feedback and advice. Thankyou for letting me know im not alone. Thankyou for giving me insights into your own experiences through your own blogs. And a big thankyou to the few bloggers who i've had the honour of being able to talk to one-on-one through IM. You know who you are - once again, thankyou, and i appreciate your friendship.

Since the last time I posted, I guess things have settled down a little bit. I spent my christmas away from my family, and with a friend who I used to live with on campus. Away from my sister. Away from my housemate. Away from my family. Sometimes its just good to get away from everyday life. The ironic thing though, all this time i had away from my usual everyday life, you'd think i'd use it to think through things, about my life, about my circumstances - when in fact, I did no thinking, no self-reflection or anything alone those lines. I dont know if its a good thing or not, but I guess im sort of treating it as a temporary high, where i dont give a damn about anyone or anything. I've just shoved everything to the sides and forgotten about it. Im not particuarly proud of what i've done, but I feel happy. I feel satisfied with the way things are. But all things will come to an end sooner or later. This temporary high will end soon.

I've been spending a great deal of time with Hayden. I'm finding that I'm growing fonder of him everyday and every time i see him. I get excited whenever i hear my txt message tone that alerts me of a new message. I get excited everytime i see him popup on my instant messenger screen or whenever he comments or 'likes' somethign on my facebook profile. A few months ago, when i first met him, i would have never imagined how happy he would make me. But with light, there is always dark. With positive there is always a minus. And in this case, the happier he makes me, the sadder i get. A feeling deep inside me grows and makes me wanting to cut him out of my life altogether. The few months that i've known him, I feel as if I can connect with him so much better than other friends which i've known for years. Theres something about him, but i feel comfortable being around him.

The problem stems from the fact that the more we are together, the craving for something more than just friends grows. I feel that im beginning to cross over that blurry line of friends and something greater. There is a great uncertainty as I am unsure of whether he'll be able to reciprocate my feelings for him. He's been giving so many mixed messages. I jsut dont know what to do. As our friendship progresses, something suddenly struck me - As a whole, this friendship i have with Hayden is beginning to mirror that of my friendship with TN. It started out almost exactly the same way - both complete strangers who sort of just 'met'. The initial breaking the ice and bonding. Spending probably far too much time talking to each other. And then eventually me probably stepping over that blurry perhaps non-existant line and the friendship crumbling. The relationship i have with TN atm is a little shakey. Its on-off. I dont know what things are like through his eyes, but very rarely does he make me feel happy anymore. I'm scared that the same thing will happen with Hayden. This fear and anxiety, pulls me away from the blissful high im on, back into the depths of darkness and despair. I dont know whether i should save myself by gradually removing Hayden from my life, or whether i should just keep going the way things are going. I guess no matter what i do, both paths will probably just lead to the same destination. :-(

I have this intense feeling that I am an extremely ungrateful, selfish and needy person. I crave constant attention and I always need someone there for me. I give the illusion that im an appreciatve, grateful and caring person, but deep down i know that i am not. NOt because im not, but because I dont know how to. Sometimes everything feels like an act. I have no substance. I feel that i have no moral substance. What is right or wrong i determine from what others have told me what is right or wrong. I feel like i'm missing something. I feel like i should know within myself these sorts of things. I like to think that i am empathetic, but truth is, i dont think i have that capacity. Apathy is so easily disguised as empathy in my mind.

For the time being, I can say that im somewhat emotionally stable and that im doing pretty well. After all, i am on a blissful temporary high.

Through time, i hope i'll be able to peel back the dead outer layers of myself and expose the real me inside. I hope to be able to find substance within myself. Only then will i truly understand myself and the world around me.


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I've been having a few recurring dreams lately.
Imagine a rocky cliff on the coastline, with waves battering the rock wall constantly, and the turbulent water below. I'm in the water, being thrown up against the rocks, trying to claw my way out, and then being sucked into the ocean again. The rocks are slippery. The process repeats itself over and over again.

I'm walking along a dirt track. There's noone else with me. As i walk, i notice that theres a large bear, sitting with its back turned to me on the side of the road. I look over, and it turns around, locks eyes with me, and then leaps forward and attacks me. There is a car nearby, with a door on either side open. I jump into the car through one door, in an attempt to escape the bear. But the bear comes through the other side. So i jump out, run around and try to close the door the bear came through to lock it into the car. But jsut as i close that door, the bear escapes through the door i came out of. So i get back into the car through the door i just closed. The process repeats itself over and over again.

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<3 Ron.

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To all my followers. I hope you all have a safe and happy new year.

I feel lost. I dont know whats real and whats not. My whole life seems to be dictacted to me. Now i know with 100% certainty what my fate is. How can it be that people are so two faced? They say one thing to you, when they really mean another thing. Life is one big lie. I'm so dissappointed and let down. I thought there was hope. Now i know the reality of it all. There is no hope. There is no life. I dont know whats real anymore. Im told to do one thing, and then all of a sudden, it just doesnt matter anymore. My life is a contradiction. I have no guidance. All this time, all the things that have been said, and the truth comes out. I know how it really is and how you feel now. I store my life in a secret locker, and sink it to the bottom of the deepest ocean and destroy the key. I can do no more. Forever my secret will be locked. The fork in the road is no longer. There are no alternatives. I feel so betrayed. I do not know what is truthful anymore. I try to lead a good life, to live up to expectations, to be a good brother, son, friend, but it seems this can so easily be disregarded. In my mind is random chaos. My life is forver cursed. If I had in front of me, a switch to turn it off for good, I would not hesitate.

I have a friend, who we'll call Hayden. I met him a few months ago, at a university society event. While there, we did the meet and greet thing, and then as usual, we all dissapated into our usual comfort groups. So after I introduced myself and we had an obligatory 'breaking the ice', we both wondered off, me to my comfort group, and him to another random group. Im not sure he knew anyone though, because he was an international student, who had only been in Australia for less than 2 weeks. For the rest of the night, I didnt really have much contact with him.

At the end of the night, most people were pairing up and leaving, with the majority of them taking the same form of transportation. It sucked beecause most of the people lived in an opposite direction to where i lived, so that meant i would be commuting home by myself. That was until i noticed Hayden. He was standing there by himself, im assuming hoping that someone else was travelling his way. It looked highly unlikely as by now almost all the people had left. I walked up to him and asked him where he was going. And to my surprise, his station was the station before mine. So i offered to take the train with him.

It was a short ride, but before we got off, we exchanged numbers. After that though, i never heard from him again, and he never replied to my text message. I was slightly dissappointed. A few weeks later, I walked onto a bus, on my way to a get together with an old friend from college. As i walked towards the back of the bus, i noticed from the corner of my eye, some random guy looking at me. I didn't think much of it. I turned into the window and stared out. But i could see his reflection, in the window - he was staring at me. It was a little creepy. Then he got up, walked towards me, and taps me on the shoulder, and asks me if we've met before.

To my surprise, it was Hayden. He told me that he had lost his phone and didn't have my number anymore. So we exchanged details again, and had a quick chat, before he got off at the next stop. Since then, we've been hanging out a bit, more so now that its university holidays. I really like him a lot. He's a really nice guy, and for some reason, he's insane enough to come walking around the city aimlessly with me. We also went for a random midnight drive, with no desitnation or purpose in mind. Noone else has ever wanted to do anything spontaneous and random with me.

I guess i dont feel as lonely as I used to be anymore. But heres the problem:

Whenever anyone takes an interest in me, I just fall for that person. Its hard to explain, but its like I want to be more than just friends with that person. Sometimes im afraid that I'll overstep the line of being just friends. Im afraid that I might become too clingy and too needy. Im afraid that I'm unsure of whether i truly like this person for himself, or whether I only like him because of the attention he's shown me. I dont know what to do. What makes things worse is that in the back of my head, Im secretly hoping that he likes guys too.

He confuses me. On his FB profile, he is in a relationship with another guy. but he is interested in women. I asked him about this profile, and he said that the relationship status was only a joke. He also added "i'm not gay if thats what you're wondering". Yes thats exactly what i was wondering....too bad i said, because "it wouldn't have mattered to me whether you were or you weren't".

A few nights ago, I messaged him, saything that I was really bored and wanted to get out of here, even if it meant i got wet from the rain. (its been raining heaps recently). A few nights later, i got a text message from him, pretty much saying the same thing - that he was really bored and wanted to do something, even if he got wet by the rain. So.....right?? what am i supposed to think of that?

We went on a random drive two nights ago, and we ended up on a lookout over the city. Problem was, it was a saturday night. and the only people who were on that lookout at that time, were couples. Smooching away at each other. Awkward. He was the first to mention it - "dude, we look like a gay couple". I kind of just chuckled a bit, and said "right.. in that case, you stay here, and i'll go over there". But he followed me.

I mentioned that it did feel a bit awkward, and that now i was getting a bit paranoid. Im not sure why, but he chipped in with "oh I'm NOT gay by the way". After admiring the view for a little while, he mentioned that he was a bit cold, and i said yeah it is a bit chilly. He then followed with "I dont need you to warm me up btw" jokingly. Right....

I have a horrible gaydar. its like it was an optional extra when i was being made, that i never got. Im not sure if he's tryign to throw hints at me or whether im just misinterpreting his actions. But whatever he's doing, its really confusing me.

I want to hang out with him, because i feel happy when i do, but when im with him, im afraid that i want something more out of it. :( why can't i just be normal and be contempt with being just friends. I dont know how to be just a friend :-((. Because of this, I dont want to be around him. But then it makes me sad because i dont like being alone.

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I feel empty. I feel like nothing is real. I smile for the sake of smiling. I laugh for the sake of laughing. Im emotionally dead. There is nothign i really truly feel happy about. Most of the times, happiness is simply the absence of sadness.

I feel like a zombie because of my lack of emotions. What i also lack is my own opinions. For some reason, i take everythign for granted, and dont have my own views or convictions on anything. Its so hard to say, and i feel horrible for saying so, but it could be because i dont care enough for anything to have any opinions or convictions about things. Why do i have a lack of caring? I feel like a robot.

I need to see someone about my problems.

So... I kinda lost it tonight. It started off with petty little argument with my sister. and then it escalated from there. I called home, but only to get dad, so i thought i would talk to him about it. but he just said some nasty things that really hurt.

Then my sister walked into my room demanding that I tell her what i was talking about and to whom. I told her to go away and leave me alone. But i broke down so bad. I just started bawling my eyes out and couldnt stop. she kept asking me what the person on the phone had said to me to make me this way. I told her to go away.

Then mum rang. And i had to answer. And i just cried and bawled my eyes out to her. I could barely talk. All i could hear was mum telling me that it was ok and that i need to stop crying.

It was that bad, i was hyperventilating, my limbs were going numb and i almost blacked out. It took mum 2 hours to calm me down.

Why is it that mums always have such a great ability make sense of everything and to make things alright again? I'm seeing clear once again.

After that, i went out with Hayden because i needed to get away for a bit. I really like him.

And now my chest, and insides and everything hurts from crying so much...

Im such a screw up.

I feel so fucking burdened. Like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I feel like a last resort for every fucking thing. I fucking hate being the backbone and having to hold everything together. Why does everyone else have a backup? Why am i their backup? Why do I have to be one they fall to when things go wrong? What about me? Who do I fall to? Where do i go in times where i feel i can't go on anymore?

I dont want to answer my phone or emails anymore. Beause i know that these communications are defnitely not to ask me how im doing or anything like that. They're demands - help me do this, help me do that etc etc....

Fark life is so difficult. sometimes i dont think its worth it, since im not really living my own life. I'm living other peoples lives for them.

I even talk to you anymore.. I fucking hate you. You're such an asshole. You make me so freakin mad. Freakin hell, I dont even know why i put the effot into trying to talk to you.


I fucking hate being alone...

>.< I'd rather be freakin working. that way at least i wont have to sit here by myself. yeah, im getting back into the habit, mindless labour. Work. Pills. Sleep.

So i have several stars in front of me. But they dont glow. Whats the go with that. they're supposed to glow...so glow already.

I dont feel like waking up tomorrow. it'll only be a shitty day anyway. i'll wake up. i wont eat anything. i'll sit here. hoping. waiting. wishing. then just before i pass out i'll find somethign to satisfy this passing hunger. pills. sleep. repeat.

Psst.. I'll let you in on another secret.

People would assume that because I'm usually quiet and reserved and sit by myself, that I'm one of those 'mysterious' types, who observes, calculates and is probably plotting some evil plan.

But you know what? :-P they couldn't be further from the truth. My mind generally runs blank.

The movie wasn't that great, but heck, i went along anyway. Just because i could, and also because I hadn't seen JN and his girlfriend for a while. To be quite honest, I couldn't even remember what the movie was about, but it was in 3d so that made it cool. Half way through JN and his significant other wondered out of the cinema, and it had been a while and they weren't back yet. They weren't answering their phones either.

"This movies not even that good" i thought to myself, so I got up and decided to go and look for them. Seemed that maybe i wasn't the only person with the same idea, as just as i got up to leave, another guy did the same too. "It wasn't that great was it?" he asked me. "Oh .. umm yeah it was ok, but wasn't quite what i was expecting" i replied. We walked for a while, introducing ourselves to each other, talking about uni, jobs, friends etc. And then i bumped into BC.


"Hey you! What are you doing here?" he quizzed me. "oh um was watching a movie with some friends, but they walked out and now im trying to find them" i replied. A conversation ensued, which was acknowledged by the random boy who i was talking with earlier, as he waved me goodbye and started walking off. Arggh noo...I didn't even get his number! So i became somewhat figety, playing with my keys, hoping the converssation with BC would end so that i could run after the cute boy from before.

"You seem a bit tense. and preoccuppied. whats up?" BC asked. "is it that obvious?" i answered, half laughingly, "im sorry, um i got my keyring stuck on my finger and it sorta really hurts. Anyway man, it was good to see you, but I've gotta run. I'll see you around sometime yeah? We should catch up and do something yeah?" "For sure" replied BC. And with that the conversation ended.

I glanced around, and spotted cute boy in the far distance, just about the walk around the corner and down the escalators. So i run after him. "Hey wait up man!" i called out. He looked up at me and smiled. "Hello stranger. Have we met?" Slightly confused, i stood there for a bit. "oh ..um yeah.. we were just chatting before i bumped into a friend. Im sure it was you i was talking to...well i hope it was.."
Cute boy laughed a little bit and admitted he was only joking.

What happened next sort of took me by surprise. He reaches out and grabs my hand and holds it. Out of nowhere he kisses me, then after that, we both stand side by side, hand in hand, speechless on the escalator down. "OMG!" i hear someone exclaim and at that, I drop his hand immediately, suddenly remembering that im out in public. I look across, and realise that another friend of mine, JD was coming up the escaltor on the other side. Oh crap.. i thought. This is awkward.

JD swiftly walks to the top of the escalators and jumps back on the escalator down. I have a feeling that i've got some explaining to do..."You little devil" JD exclaims with a cheeky grin on her face. "Why didn't you tell me!! OMG you two are adorable!!!" No no no no its not what it seems, I tried to explain, but my attempts were futile as she was already hooked on to the idea that we were together. Cute boy gives me a kiss on the cheek and tells me that he has to go.

"please dont tell anyone JD" i plead. "Why not? you make too good of a couple not to let everyone know about it!" JD exclaimed. "Because it will make things difficult. thats why. give me some time okay JD? Promise me this is just between the two of us. Please?" I explained. "Oh alright then. I'm running late with the movie anyway, so i'll talk to you later alright? haha you little devil. good on ya." "sure. see you later". My phone vibrates, and i take it out and find out that JN and his girlfriend have left me a message, telling me that 'something has come up'. Home it is then.

A few days after, im sitting in a class room, where we have a guest speaker, coming to tell us about entrepreneurial opportunities. In the coming days, we are told, that theres going to be a convention held for young inventors, where potential ideas for new products will be evaluated, and the best idea will win a sponsorship deal. Im not sure if its been done before, but the idea i had in my head, was a 2WD mountain bike. I raise my hand and tell the guest speaker about my idea. She tells me its a wonderful idea, and that i should definitely go to the convention, as new ideas will be recorded and broadcast on tv. "Oh you can go with your BF" JD calls out from the back of the class. "Excuse me? what?" i exclaim. "you should definitely go! I bet you and your BF will be the cutest couple on TV" added JD.

The whole class turns towards me, and I can just imagine a shroud of contempt drifting over everyones heads. I know most of the people in my class, and i guess i would classify most of them as friends, but the looks on their faces doesn't really support the 'friends' classification. "Why didn't you tell us?" asked RA, clearly distraught, "thats just... god.. thats just so wrong you know?". I tried to deny it, and tell everyone that I dont even have a BF, which WAS technically true, but it seemed that the seed had been planted, and no matter what i say noone really listened.

That was interesting. Being publically outed in front of the whole class. yay. Not. "Why does it matter? Im still the same person I've always been! Nothing has to change!" I exclaimed. "L-O-L.... so whos gay here?" someone from the back interjected. Not knowing what to do, I pointed at PL and said "PL is. yeah PL is the gay one". "haha faggot...PL is a gaybo" laughed the idiot from the back.

So the chaos and tension in the room grew so completely red-faced, and humiliated, i didn't know what to do. Please please please... oh freakin hell. this did not just happen. Frustrated, I walk out of the room, only to be pulled back in by SK. She slaps me and starts crying...."and all this time, I thought you never liked me because i wasn't pretty enough or smart enough for you! You bastard!". "no thats not it at all!!! You have no idea what i've gone through! NO IDEA AT ALL!! You know its funny because all this time, I though i wasn't good enough to have any of you like me in that way...You all have no idea..." i explained, tears rollin down my face. But i guess whatever i say, noone really cares. I unlock the door, and just as Im about to walk out, SK pushes me, and after falling for what seems like a while down a dark pit, I land in a lake...

I wake up.

The shopping centre had always had an obscure entrance. But this time, it wasn't like it usually was. I walked down a long narrow corridor. I hope it wasn't just me, but the more i walked, and the closer i got towards the door, the corridor got narrower and narrower, squeezing in on me. But there was no door on at the end.

I couldn't turn back. There was nothing there. I couldn't go forward, because there was no door. But to the side of me, there was a gate, and so through that gate i walked, to end up in the lobby. There were children in the lobby. It was enclosed by glass windows with the only diretions i could go in either back through the gate, or up an escalator. There were coins scattered around. I picked one up, and handed it to a little girl. I stepped onto the escalator, where it took up me. Up and up to a place i hadn't been before. There were more coins. Except they were all the wrong size. Either too big, too thick, too wonky or were simply blank. Until i saw one that looked like the right size. I picked it up. It was a 20c coin. I looked around. I looked at the coin again, and put it in my pocket. It was the only thing that was real.

I stepped off the escalator, and found myself in the food court. All of a sudden i felt hungry. An insatiable hunger. I lined up in the queue to get some food. But when i got to the front, it was empty. there was nothing there. there wasn't any food, and there wasn't anyone there to serve me. So i walked out.

As i walked, the corridor got narrower and narrower, until i got to the end, where there was simply a gate to the side of me. I walked through that gate, and into a lobby. There were children about. I went up an escalator, that was littered with oddly shaped coins, until i got to a food court. I was hungry, so i went to order some food.

"What would you like" she asked me. But i couldnt' answer her. Because i couldn't see what they had. I couldn't read the menu. My vision was fogging up. So i tried to push up my visor. My sight was restored for a brief moment until it started fogging up again. My order was staggered, but I finially managed to tell her what i wanted. She passed me the EFTPOS machine so i could pay. But i had my sisters ATM card. No probs, because i knew her PIN and knew she wouldn't mind. I coudln't see the keypad. I JUST COULDN"T SEE IT!. I know the PIN. How can i pay if i can't read the DARN keypad!!!!!. "Transaction Failed". She didn't know this, because she was too busy serving another customer. So i walked away.

Through the busy foodcourt I walked, until i saw someone i thought i knew. I looked at him. He looked at me. It couldn't have been. I haven't seen him for years. What would he be doing here? So i kept walking. Towards the escalator i paced. Until i got a tap on the back. "Do you remember me?" he asked. Of course i do. We walked a bit, talking. Actually he did all the talking, but i couldn't hear anything he was saying. He was RIGHT BESIDE ME!!! but he seemed distant and muffled. I couldn't pick up ANYTHIGN he was saying. Down the escalators we both went, until we got to the lobby.

The gate was no longer there. There were no coins. I turned to him an asked him...."you're not real are you? you're just a dream" He looked at me and smiled. He replied "yes, you are right". He walked with me, until we got to the two doors that had appeared in the lobby. we walked through the doors, and out to the street where there was a pedestrian crossing. I saw my sister. She was crossing the road towards us. I called out at her, and she came over. She stood there looking at me. I put my hand in my pocket to give her back her ATM card. But when i pulled it out, it wasn't hers. "oh the lady must have given me the wrong card!". She turned away and started walking towards the door that me and my friend had just come through before. I called out several times, each time with my voice getting softer and softer until i no longer had a voice. Great. Just great. I could not see. I could not hear. And now i could not talk either.

A truck drove by, and as it did, the sound of its engine and its vibrations reverberated through my ears. There was a flash of light and i was no longer on the street. There was no light, except for a hole in the far left above me. I couldn't move. I was frozen.

The sound got louder and louder, as if my ears were pressed up against the engine, and my entire body was shaking violently. And then i felt it. It crawled up on me. It could read my thoughts. The more i thought about it, and how it made me feel scared, the more i could feel it on me, and the louder the sound would get and the more intense my body would shake.

Bohemian Rhapsody plays in the background.

Whatever you are, you ARENT REAL. Thats what i tried to say. But because i couldn't talk, i communicated by thought. It responded. Im on my back. it grabbed my hand and was squeezing it, before it grabbed my crotch. I could feel it sitting on my stomach.

You're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real

I shivered violently and the sound of the engine got louder and louder and louder. STOP. and it stopped. but it was still on me. with my right hand, my only free hand, i manageed to reach out and grab it. I held on tight. If you want me, you're going to have to put up a fight. I grabbed it by the leg i assumed, which it had on my crotch. And i pulled it towards me, and gave it a big bite. It's grip on my left hand subsided. So with both hands i tried to grab it. but i couldn't. I punched wildly in front of me. I knew it was still there. I could feel its presense.

I started shivering and shaking again, and the noise in my ears became defeaning. I started to cry. I tried to scream. but nothing would come out. Again and again and again i tried to scream for help. I was defenceless. I couldn't see. I was deafened by the noise in my ears and i couldn't physically get it. I couldn't move my body. It was on top of me. I had no voice.

I tried with everything i had, and managed to move my right leg, and kick it off me. And just as quickly as it came, it dissappeared just as fast. The violent shaking stopped. my vision restored. and i slowly regained body control.

I awoke to find myself on my bed, with the covers over my head, and the sound of the trains and cars driving pass.

This isn't the first time i've encoutered it. It's tried to get me before. It scares me. I dont want to fall asleep again.

Im in a plane, passing over the city. I stare out the window like i always do trying to spot landmarks and watch the cars drive through the city. I look out one last time, because i know it'll be my last. I'm looking forward to the landing.

I'm looking forward to it all coming to an end. We're spiraling down towards the earth. The run way isn't anywhere in sight. But its okay. Because its going to come to an end. I look out the window once more, and we're almost there. it becomes a blur as we reach terminal velocity. I can see the ground coming up ahead.

I'm really scared now. I had accepted the eventualities of the situation. But now im not so sure about it. My heart is pounding in my chest. I really don't want to be here. Get me out. PLEASE! I dont' want to be here. Somebody help me!!. FFS. Im telling you. I DONT WANT TO BE HERE.

Oh god. no. please. make it quick.

Time freezes. everything around me is white. but the end never comes. it just doesn't. and im still here.

Just letting you in on a little secret..

I have a fear of open doors.

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:-P



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I've been home alone since this afternoon, because my sister has gone away and my other housemate isn't here. MK called me and asked me what I was up to and whether I wanted to hang out and get dinner or something along those lines. I wasn't really doing anything so I agreed, and he picked up me and we drove around for a bit chatting, before we decided on where we wanted to go. Actually, we didn't really decide. He decided. Because I told him I didn't really mind where we went and that I'm not fussy at all.

So the decision was made, that we'd be trying out this Tibetan restaurant. It's a quaint little place, quite cosy actually on the end of a somewhat obscure road somewhere in West End. I don't really know West End very well but I was really surpised that theres some really neat places tucked away in what I've always thought as a pretty run down part of Brissy. We went in and it was rather busy, but we managed to get a table. Yup. A table for two, complete with the soft warm glow and flickering of a tea light candle.

For several moments after we sat down, I actually felt extremely awkward and weirded out. 1) because the restaurant was kind of a little bit too cosy for my liking, 2) the restaurant seemed to have more of a romantic feel to it rather than a casual dining experience, and 3) because i was at a table, having dinner, with another guy, when every other couple in the restaurant was of the hetero type.

I could just sense the other people in the restaurant forming opinions and assumptions in their heads. Especially the waitress. I blame MK on that part. I was happy to sit outside where there weren't many people, but MK pointed to an empty table, towards the back of the restaurant, where I can only assume, all the lovey dovey couples go, as only those tables were lit with candlelight. MK asked me after we sat down whether I felt weird being the only Guy-Guy couple in the restaurant, and I straight out told him that i felt extremely awkward and weirded out. To my surprise, he said he was completely fine with it... ..

You know its pretty strange that I find it extremely awkward being in situations like that in public. It's like when im in public i automatically put on a more manly demenour and become this straight-acting guy not daring to do anything that is remotely gay related.

Oh and a random fact i'll throw in... i find it extremely weird to be talking with a girl about hot guys.. it just doesn't feel right. I can chat with a guy about other guys no probs, but put a girl into that eqution and all that results is awkwardness. So as it stands, I can talk about hot girls with girls, but just not talk guys with girls.. i hope i make sense...

So yeah, we didn't do much after dinner. just drove around for a bit and then he dropped me off again. He suggested we go to the valley (clubbing) but I said the only place i want to go right now is to bed. lolz how lame am i.

PS.... MK is a college friend of mine. He's str8 btw..

Firstly I just want to give a big shout out to Ron for mentioning me in his previous post. And secondly thankyou to those people who commented on my blog and for the new followers.

Im not really sure what this blog post is really going to be about but i thought i'd share a clip i found on youtube. Its got clips from the movie "Stardust" dubbed with the song Star to Fall by Cabin Crew. - One of my fav movies and my fav song of all time.

If you have seen the movie before, you should definitely try and get a copy of it and watch it! Its a really well done movie with a great story line and doesn't go overboard with CGI effects.



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LOL funniest thing ever!!!



mmmm guy in the white singlet...

So after an agonizing wait of almost a year, i've managed to find myself a part time job. Should i be embarrassed that I was jumping around in joy when i found out i've now got a position at a supermarket? lolz.

I guess now thats one less thing i have to worry about and get depressed over. I hate that word. Depressed, depressing, depression.. Maybe i should call it Super massive big hunk of yellowy happiness. So whenever i feel sad or down or watever, I'll picture this instead...



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A few notes i jotted down in my notebook:

1) When you're feeling lonely, go out there and give of yourself during this lonely time. Giving yourself will let you contribute to a greater cause and will allow you to know more about yourself!

2) Be at peace with your loneliness. Take the time to reflect on your positives. If there aren't any, create some.

3) Society is a good scapegoat, but all these issues are yours to deal with - you decide how the world is, and then react against it, without questioning whether you were right in the first place. A lot of issues you think up could all be non-issues.

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Today is like the most beautiful day EVER. Not a cloud in the sky and even better, its HEAPS windy. I like windy days, because it makes me feel like i'm flying through the sky. Free.

Its a pity that i'll be stuck in doors doing uni work. by myself. urgh..

I don't see the point of anything anymore. I'm so worthless and useless. Im so messed up and I don't even know where to start. I can't understand myself and I refuse to believe the things that I do know about myself. I give for all the wrong reasons, and have a terrible problem with not being able to take criticism. I crave attention and I have to make everything about me all the time. I have so many flaws and I keep telling myself that I'll change but I never do. Why do I keep telling myself that I'm the victim? Nothing makes sense to me. It hasn't made any sense for a while. Nothing seems to be getting better. I'm ashamed and embarrassed of myself, and I'm too stubborn to seek help or do anything about it. Im so selfish and demand of others what I'm unwilling to do myself. I take many of the things in my life for granted and don't show any appreciation for what i have. Im so screwd up in the head. What exactly is my place in this world? What am I supposed to live for? What is the meaning behind anything? I just don't get it. I don't understand.

In a couple of hours, I'll be another full year older. Another year gone by. Another year in which I should have grown both physically and emotionally. Another year to reminisce and reflect upon. In complete honesty, I don't feel as if there have been any major changes in my life in the last year. I can't seem to bring myself to remember a single highlight of that past year. It just all seems like a big blur. It just went so fast and I never took the opportunity to slow down a bit and just take everything in. To experience life and enjoy the small things, listen to the sounds, enjoy the various sights, embrace what's all around me. And I think back on it and I feel as if I've wasted an opportunity, and not taken full advantage of what the past year has offered me. I've been fixated on an 'ideal' reality and never really paid much attention to what was really going on around me. In a sense I was blinded by my predilection for a fantasy world. So a year has gone by, and I haven't really grown any smarter or wiser.

But if I delve a bit deeper and it's only then that I'm able to comprehend how much I've actually gone through and how much I've learnt in the last year. In the last year, I've applied for and been rejected by far to many employers. I've realised that life isn't an easy task. You put yourself forward, you get knocked back by obstacles and impediments. You feel as if as if you've come to the end of the line and that there's just no place else to go. The sinking feeling. Crawling back into the shelter of darkness. But then there's always that light that emanates from the darkness and from there I pick myself up, put the pieces back together again and realise that i've lived through it. And that although things haven't gone the way that i've wanted it to go, I still have another chance.

Over the last year, I've experienced emotional lows and borderline depression. It doesn't seem like much but from simply writing down the rollercoaster that is my life, and taking the time to think about and reflect upon myself, my circumstances and my emtions, i've begun to understand a lot more about myself. By no means is my journey complete, but at least there has been a start.

I hope for the coming year that I'll learn from my past experiences and mistakes and be able to become a wiser person, who is more in tune with myself, and my surroundings.

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Happy Birthday to me

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We were talking about other people we talked to. I told him that I'd only talk to people if they talked to me.

So from what i said, TN told me that he think's that I'm really self-absorbed and that I think everything revolves around me.

Am I self-absorbed? really? :-( Im i a conceited bastard? Do I always make everything about me?

He also mentioned how i was WRONG most of the times.

I tried to explain myself - that what i really meant was that its a give and take situation. If i find myself to be the one 'giving' all the time, i would assume the other person has no interest in talking with me, and i would take the hint.

TN replied with "thats not what you said before"

fark... way to ruin my night TN... i don't want to talk to you anymore. STFU and GTFO.

I feel so fucking awful right now. I've always tried to be humble, honest and self-less but apparently im all about myself. Maybe he's right.

FUCK.

8

I've got this mashup stuck in my head. I love the arrangement and apart from Sam's odd facial expressions its really rather good! Him and his friend Kurt have some great videos on their channel.

I'm sorry. Sorry for getting everyone worried.

Things have been tough for me lately. My whole life felt like it was crumbling. My non-existent social life, not having someone who i could really connect with, a longing for a soul mate, things turning a bit sour with my housemates, my financial situation, my job hunting, my poor academics, general depression and the effect its having on my health. As a result of depression, I've been having chronic insomnia, hypertension, tiredness and lack of energy, eating issues and loss of appetite, headaches, lack of focus and spurts of restlessness.

The depression I think stems from my very bleak view of life. A sense of hopelessness and worthlessness. I keep imagining my future - working in a job that i probably wont like, and doing the whole 8-4 thing, acting happy and confident, pretending i have friends while really i don't have anyone i can connect with or am close to. And then i picture myself doing that for the rest of my life. Being LONELY for the rest of my life. And so i have this craving, an obcession even, to find a soul mate. Someone who understands me. Someone who i can trust. Someone who i can understand and trust. Right now I don't have ANYONE (in real life as opposed to cyberspace) who I can really talk to. I don't have anything in common with any of my real life friends and I just find that I just can't connect with them. We can go out and do things, but at the end of the day, people end up clinging to those who they share a common bond with, so i usually end up by myself. My longing to find someone i could connect with was part of the reason for my sort of obcession with TN. But I know nothings ever going to happen because he gives me hope that some sort of decent friendship would ever happen, and then he takes it all back again. It makes me feel that I'm not worthy to be with anyone. To be anyones friend. AM i really that bad of a person that he doesn't want anything to do with me? It's lead to me doubting myself all the time. Thinking that I'm not good enough. That I'm worthless.I have confidence issues. MAJOR confidence issues.

My job hunting isn't going very well either. I'm supposed to be graduating from uni at the end of the year. I've applied for every internship and graduate position that I've known of and day after day all i get is a rejection email. Not even a personal one, but a mass emailed rejection. And the only other time that I thought i had any sort of a chance, I was called up on the last hour, of the very last day, and told that although i scored highly in the interview, that i scored highly in the group excercise, that i scored highly in the individual test, that ultimately, my degree type was the wrong one for them and that they can't see a position for me. I was the last person that they called that week. They said i was a tough one to decided. But still in the end, it was another rejection. The HR manager mentioned that the other supervisors noticed that i wasn't as outgoing as the other candidates.

What gets me down is that because of my confidence issues, I'm not a very outgoing person. I don't do well in large group settings. And a lot of these job interviews you really have to be confident and sell yourself. Do you see a dilemma here? I have such low self esteem, self-worth and confidence that I just can't do this. I just can't talk about how good I am, and how much of an asset i'd be to the company if I don't personally believe that myself. I've had a bit of a pessimistic attitude recently and no matter how hard i try, i can't seem to shake it off. I can't seem to see myself for what im worth.

Another aspect about the rejections i've been getting have been partly because of my poor academics. Every semester i tell myself this is going to be my best one. But it goes downhill everytime. I've really got noone to blame but myself. I don't spend nearly enough time studying, and when I do I can't focus. My mind wanders, and I keep bringing up things, like how i wish i had someone with me. During the week, I look forward to the weekends, thinking that this weekend i'll be doing something fun with my friends. Only to find out that either everyone is busy, they don't' feel like it or on some occassions have already planned something and not invited me. So i crawl back into my bed and spend my weekend depressed in my room. I've lost all motivation to study. I don't look forward to anything anymore. I don't look forward to my weekends, because to me,weekends=depressed. Yet i don't look forward to the week either, because during the week I'm at uni, alone. I see people at uni, sitting and chatting with friends. Out on the grass having fun. In the food courts having lunch as a group. People studying together. I wish i had that. I really do. It really kills me inside that I've got noone who does the same degree as me that i can study with. Noone who i can hang out with at uni whenever i have my breaks. I spend my days at uni either in class or in the library by myself. Some days I go the entire day without speaking to anyone. All the while i should be studying, I have these thoughts running through my head, and any attempt to learn is futile, as nothing stays in my head. I end up wasting away my days and not learning anything. Just yesterday I failed an exam. it was worth 45%. It makes me sad knowing that once, i was getting High Distinctions and Distinctions and now I'm barely scraping a pass.

At home, things aren't any better. My sister and my other housemate have been a bit sour towards me. I've been doing some irrational things. I don't have a job atm, so I'm living off whatever my parents are giving me. I don't come from a wealthy family. I wouldn't even say we were middle class. We're just getting by. With what money my parents give me, I usually help out with the bills and groceries, while my sister who studies and works, pays for the biggest expense, rent. A few days ago I had an argument with my sister about my financial situation. Mum had called her up and apparently told my sister that she was doing it tough trying to make enough money to support me. My sister got annoyed that mum was telling her this instead of calling me up and telling me. She said I was lazy and needed to get a job, and that mum should stop giving me money since they're doing it tough at home as well. After the phone call I asked my sister what was said and she got angry with me, and told me that I need to stop being a lazy prick and contribute. For me to get a job. I explained to her that I have tried. Many times and not had any success. But she didn't believe me. ANd this is when my other housemate came in and supported my sister, telling me that I'm only making excuses and that If other uni students can find a job, then so can I and that I needed to pull my head out. After that argument, I felt so bad. I was angry that noone believed my attempts at find work, noone supported me. I had noone there for me. They also told me that i needed to stop wasting money on things of no importance - referring to how i had spent some money on a camera, and on my wii. But you know what? I bought those things to keep me sane. To keep myself from having all these depressive thoughts. To take me out of my miser for a little while so I can have some sort of peace of mind. And those irrational things i've been doing - cleaning the house excessively, spending far too much time in the kitchen cooking/cleaning. Again i do those things to take my mind off other issues. But they don't know that. My housemates don't know what I'm going through. They don't know i have depression, and that even when i say i'm gong to bed, i don't end up sleeping until almost morning. They don't know that i'm not straight, and they say a lot of things that upset me greatly. They don't understand how lonely i am. I have no friends. Both my sister and my housemate have partners. They do things together as couples all the time. Movies, restuarants, going out to the city etc. And in the meantime, i watch on as they all have joy in their lives. They all have someone to cuddle, to be with, to talk to. I have noone. I sit in my room and cry.

I feel so bad that i have to hide my sexuality from everyone. I can't go out and make friends because it's somethign thats always in my mind. I don't know what they'd think of me if they knew the truth. I can't go out and make friends with other people like me, because then I'd raise suspicion. I feel so trapped. I so scared that my family will find out. I don't have the courage to tell them. I don't think they will take it well. I don't want to lose them. If i lose my family, i have NOONE. I'm afraid of how people will judge me if they knew the truth. I'm afraid that the group of 'friends' i have now will think I had lied to them the whole time. I'm afraid of how my family will judge me. I'm afraid that if i did come out to them, that later down the track I find out that that's really not what I wanted. It's a big commitment and right now I don't feel like i can commit. I've got too much to lose, but at the same time, I really DON'T have anything to lose at all. I still haven't accepted myself yet.

All these thoughts, feelings and emotions have made me depressed so much that I'm physically suffering. I have chronic insomnia and no matter how tired I am, i just can't get to sleep. It sounds so silly but I end up crying most nights. I can never wake up feeling refreshed. I've had to go out and buy a blood pressure monitor just so i can try to control my hypertension. The last reading i took was 158/99 with a pulse rate of 132. My doctor knows im suffering from hypertension and insomnia, but refuses to give me medication because he thinks im too young to be taking medication for hypertension and he doesn't want to get me addicted to sleeping tablets, especially after i ended up in hospital once from the tablets he gave me. My general lack of energy is also leading to easting disorders. I end up eating at odd times, losing my appetite a lot even when im starving. And when i do eat, i end up either vomiting or feeling really bloated and uncomfortable. It doesn't help my appetite either when my housemates are both health junkies and eat things like wholegrains, brown rice, wholemeal pasta, soy milk etc which i just CAN'T learn to like. These things they buy aren't usually cheap so I feel like i just have to go with what they're eating other wise if i get my own set of groceries, our bill is just going to skyrocket not to mention the waste of food if i don't finish eating what i bought since neither of them touch the things i would buy. So many days, I don't eat. I don't have breakfast. I don't have lunch. Sometimes when I'm at uni, i'll buy something from the refect, but still, I lose my appetite and don't really feel like eating anything. Then by the time i get home my stomach would be growling and i'd be feeling quite weak. When i make dinner, my housemates don't eat because they believe my food is 'unhealthy'. So i have to let them make dinner, and since they're health junkies they'd make somethign that is completely unappealing to me, and because of my appetite problems, i'd only end up having a few bites, and feeling hungry for the rest of the night. I end up drinking far too much to offset my lack of eating. The tap water in our unit is really foul tasting so I usually buy bottled water or juice, or those flavoured waters. Despite all this, i still find myself gaining weight! Since the start of 2009, i've gained almost 5kgs!! My sister has scolded me so many times telling me that I should stop eating crap. I told her that the problem wasn't because i ate 'crap' (crap refers to normal milk, butter, white bread, normal pasta, meat etc) but because i didn't EAT in the first place. I told her that there's nothing in the pantry that I feel like eating. She then got annoyed at me and told me that if I don't want to eat that stuff then i should just go out and buy my own food. But I can't, because if i did, we'd spend way too much money, and having two sets of food in the house just isn't economical, especially since her and my other housemate won't eat anything i make. It just doesn't make sense. So I told her that because of their lifestyle, I felt that i've had to compromised my own diet in order to be able to not run into financial problems. My sister got angry with me and said that Im using her and my housemate as scapegoats and that any health problems arising are my own fault. This really upsets me because thats not what i intended at all.

Although she's my sister, I'm emotionally distant from her. In fact, i'm not close to anyone in my family at all. I feel i can't talk to anyone about anything. I've got two younger brothers. My younger brother (not the youngest) is a bit of a rebel, and has always been difficult at home. He does what he feels like, despite my parents rejections. He forges his own path regardless of the others around him. Whereas I tended to be far too obedient. :-( i wish i had the strength and courage of my brother. But theres a reason why I am the way I am. When i was a child, my dad had always favoured my rebel brother. My dad accused me of being a bastard child that my mum had from an affair. He said i was a dumb and stupid child - i couldn't talk until i was 3, and anythign that was given to me, toys etc, i would end up breaking them apart. So he just stopped buying me things. I recall when i was about 4 or 5, he bought my brother a rather expensive remote control car. For me all he got was a small matchbox car. He would take my brother and they'd go and play with the remote control car, while i stayed behind. I was only a child then, but I was so upset, and felt so unloved. Eventually i realised that I was able to get more of my dads attention if I obeyed his every command, and did everythign he asked of me. It was only when he realised that he didn't have 100% control over my brother that he started giving me attention. If i wanted to go out somewhere, and he said no, that was the final answer. I just didn't go out. If i wanted something and he didn't approve of it, that was the final answer. I obeyed every word he said as if he were some sort of God. Because i knew that unless i did, I wouldn't get any of his attention or love. My other siblings have repeatedly told me that i'm the 'favourite' child in the family and that I get anything that i want. But they have no idea what i've had to go through. They have no idea what i've had to sacrifice for things to be this way. And my parents don't seem to understand that giving me material posccessions does not necessarily equate to love. Even to this day, my dad uses me as a reason for his 'suffering' - how him and mum have to do hard labour every day so that they can support me. Would it not hurt anyone to be told that they are a burden? So now that we've established that among my other problems, I'm also a burden. My youngest brother has had it easy his whole life. He's never had to step up and take charge of anything. He's always had everything he wanted handed down to him. The other day my sister asked him who he looks up to, and he replied that he looks up to my rebel brother. She asked him why and why doesn't he look up to me, as i'm a good role model since i'm intelligent, kind, obedient and that im at uni. He told her that he doesn't see me as a role model because im a 'fag' and that im 'uncool', 'nerdy' and a 'sissy'. That really really hurt me like nothing before. I felt as if I had been stabbed in the heart multiple times and left to bleed. Did he not realise how much I sacrificed in the past taking care of him while my parents were at work, having to skip school to look after him. I tried to give him the upbringing that my parents never gave me. And this is what i get for everything i've done for him. It only reaffirms to me who worthless i really am, and what my family would think of me.

Taking everything into considering, it's no suprise that i've actually contemplated suicide so many times. I've thought about how fragile life really is and how it could be ended so easily. How my suffering could be instantaneously erased. But then I think about how absurd suidcide was, and that all my problems and issues are all so petty. That they were all insignificant. There are people in this world, fighting, struggling, doing all they can to survive. And here i am rubbing it all in their faces by even thinking of taking my own life.

I'm really mentally unstable. I get swayed so easily by little things that happen. I take everything far too personally and literally. My mind is unsteady.

The last few days, I've been so depressed, anxious and stressed out about everything. So much that its manifested into my dreams. I keep having recurrent dreams about the same issue. Two dreams that were especially provoking included one in which i had a massive argument with my sister, and ended up losing it (im usually very calm and very non-violent) and smashing a whole heap of things. She then went and told my mum that i had completely lost it. I tried to explain the situation to mum, and how i've been depressed and how i've come so close to attempting suicide. But she laughed at me and told me that I need to harden up and that if im really that weak that i want to kill myself, then go right ahead. She didn't even offer me any support at all. I was so gutted that i grabbed the knife and stabbed myself in the chest several times in front of her, in front of my sister and my entire family. I really thought this was the end and that i wouldn't have to suffer any more. And then I woke up.

In the other dream, i dreamt i was back at home. I was in my room when my family walked in. They all stood there looking at me, with faces of despair, horror and disgust. I saw my little brother at the door, smirking at me, almost laughing, and pointing his finger at me. My dad, red faced and all, came to me and asked me if i was gay. I asked him would it really matter so much to him if i was? I never answered his question but he immediate broke into tears. NOT ONCE in my life have i ever seen him cry. He was angry and distraught and yelled at me, and told me that he never wanted to have anything to do with me ever again. He didn't want to see me, he didn't want me there in his house. I was so shocked i started crying. I saw mum crying too so i asked her for her support. I told her i needed her, and that It wasn't my fault that i was this way. It was just who i am and that i couldn't change who i was. Instead of being there for me, she screamed out me. She told me she didn't love me, and that they all hated me and wanted me gone. I cried so hard, that i woke up panting with tears rolling down my face.

I'm afraid of going to sleep. Im scared that i have to relive these moments all over again in my dreams.



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Im so sorry I got you guys worried - BaS, Ron, Ben. I've just been really down recently. I'm slightly better now that i've got my assignments and exams out of the way. When i did my last post, i had an argument with my sister, and i also learnt about what my little brother thought of me. I just couldn't handle it anymore so i broke down.

I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE. I JUST CAN'T!!

INFP - The "Dreamer" (Introverted, iNtuition, Feeling, Perception)

Introverted (I) 79% Extraverted (E) 21%
Intuitive (N) 68% Sensing (S) 32%
Feeling (F) 65% Thinking (T) 35%
Perceiving (P) 59% Judging (J) 41%

# I – Introversion preferred to extraversion: INFPs tend to be quiet and reserved. They generally prefer interacting with a few close friends rather than a wide circle of acquaintances, and they expend energy in social situations (whereas extraverts gain energy).

# N – iNtuition preferred to sensing: INFPs tend to be more abstract than concrete. They focus their attention on the big picture rather than the details, and on future possibilities rather than immediate realities.

# F – Feeling preferred to thinking: INFPs tend to value personal considerations above objective criteria. When making decisions, they often give more weight to social implications than to logic.

# P – Perception preferred to judgment: INFPs tend to withhold judgment and delay important decisions, preferring to "keep their options open" should circumstances change.


INFPs are introspective, private, creative and highly idealistic individuals that have a constant desire to be on a meaningful path. They are driven by their values and seek peace. Empathetic and compassionate, they want to help others and humanity as a whole. INFPs are imaginative, artistic and often have a talent for language and writing. They can also be described as easygoing, selfless, guarded, adaptable, patient and loyal.

INFPs are highly intuitive about people. They rely heavily on their intuitions to guide them, and use their discoveries to constantly search for value in life. They are on a continuous mission to find the truth and meaning underlying things. Every encounter and every piece of knowledge gained gets sifted through the INFP's value system, and is evaluated to see if it has any potential to help the INFP define or refine their own path in life.

Why! Why do I end up feeling this way all the time. I hate it.

My days aren't usually too bad, as long as I'm doing something, or with someone else or swamped with uni work. I don't have time to dwell on the emptiness i feel inside.

But night falls. It's like a shadow has fallen over me. Covered by a veil of darkness and emptiness.

So many nights I've gone to bed wanting to just cry my eyes out. Feeling an emptiness deep inside, like a void deep within me that I desperately need to fill.

I stare up at the ceiling wishing I could just plug that gap in my life. Find the missing puzzle piece. Hoping that everything will be alright.

Sometimes I wish I'd fall asleep and never wake up again.

So here I am. Laying in bed, with my laptop. It's 10:32pm right now and many times have I said to myself that I really should start sleeping earlier and getting my sleeping patterns right again, but time after time, I'm left in the same situation. I lay here, in an attempt to doze off into a peaceful slumber, yet in my head, thoughts run rampant, emotions flow and the chemistry in my brain goes into overload. I can't seem to switch it off.

I can't exactly tell you what goes on in my head because there are just way too many things I'd have to describe and a lot of these thoughts come and go or are simply just too complex to try and explain. Whatever is happening in my head isn't really just in my head. The mind and body are one, and can't really be separated. The thoughts in my mind evoke emotions which creates chemistry within my body. Certain thoughts evoke sadness or lack of joy - your body responds to how you act, think or feel. Body responses such as headaches, restlessness, insomnia, hypertension etc. I know that these are the result of poor emotional health.

For the next few days, I'm really trying to keep mentally and emotionally sound. I know I need to be on top of my game because I've got quite a few assessment pieces coming up. However I always seem to have breakdowns in periods that i just can't afford for it to happen. I can't think straight, I can't focus on the task at hand and my mind wanders and brings up anything it can to see me fall. I fall and I can't get back up. I lose any sense of reality and I fall into a dream world. A fantasy world. Where I end up hoping for something better, hoping for a change. Imagining how things would be if I were something different. Everything would play out perfectly and all's well that'll end well. I become a recluse into my dream world and forget about whats going on around me, in the real world - imagining how things would be, and hoping for change. Yet none of these things ever permeate into reality, because I'm too far into my state of illusion to realise the truth that nothing will ever be done, nothing will ever change unless I make it change.

I'm not a believe of fate - that my destiny is pre-written and i'm simply following a path. But in that respect, my destiny is pretty much written, albeit with pieces missing from the puzzle. I'm so far into my fantasy world that I've lost touch with myself. In my mind I've got most of the aspects of my life pre-written in my head. The expectations I have for myself, what my future looks like, what type of person I'll become, the expectations that others have for me. I'm looking down a tunnel, and at the end, I see a projection of my future. The future that I've created for myself. My fantasy world. My eyes focus on nothing but that light at the end of the tunnel, and I lose all peripheral vision - of reality. What's going on around me. The current state. I have lost focus of reality and follow blindly into the illusion that is the end of the tunnel. I forget that without first going through the tunnel that the end will never come. That if i focus my eyes only on the light at the end, I will be blind to whats around me.

But then everything is sunny again. It doesn't matter does it? Why complain when everything is fine? Right? When business is booming, we let little things slide right? Nothing makes any sense but everything is all right. It's only a big deal if we make it a big deal. Suddenly mountains become molehills and the sun radiates its heat and light onto the earth and everything is joyous. As soon as it came though, it can dissappear just as quickly. The shadows pull me back and I'm encased in darkness again, and penetrated by the emptiness. I have a map leading to nowhere and a compass that doesn't point. I see others rise above me. In comparison, I am insignificant. I see those around me clearly. But they soon fade away. I fade away.

When the storm has passed, I look back and see the destruction. Without questioning, I take whats left for granted and convince myself that there was nothing that could have been done. I show my acceptance for the situation. This default mechanism makes sure that guilt or regret is hidden away behind an invisible veil. And I'm left peering back behind me, wondering what could have happened if something had been done.

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I wasn't going to write anything about it, but I'm really left wondering. Yesterday was RiverFire. 30 mintues of non-stop fireworks, along the Brisbane river. It's a big event for most people. I've missed out 2 years in a row. I wanted to go this time.

I found out from someone else that JW, a friend from college was going. But he was going with his 'posse'. I thought he was a pretty good friend, but perhaps i've become invisible. I never got an invite. It wasn't as if the people he was going with were complete strangers. I guess i could say that I'm 'friends' with all of them too - that is to say I know them all. It makes me wonder how much of a friend they see in me if I'm always left out. Same thing happened when we went to see Inception. I'm never told about anything that happens. I feel unwelcome.

During the afternoon, I asked a few other people if they wanted to go, all of which replied with a no. So i asked TN. At first I thought about calling him, but then decided against that and asked over MSN. I was hoping that he'd come out with me, but it was a straight up NO. No excuse or reason either. Just a No. After questioning him jokingly, he answers with 'couldn't be bothered. its too far out'

Feeling a little down at the time, I figured there wasn't any point going anymore especially if its just by myself.

Later on in the night, TN contacts me on MSN telling me how cool RiverFire was. I was puzzled to say the least, as he had told me he wasn't going. Not only did he go, but he had driven pretty much around Brisbane, and stopped off through my suburb as well.

I was so insulted.

Am i really that bad of a person to be with? Is there something inherently wrong with me?

Sometimes when I'm frustrated and angry, I become artificially cheerful and happy, and excessively nice. So for about an hour or so, i chatted to him on MSN pretending to give a damn about what he got up to that night.

I dont even know why i still talk to him. I just cant seem to bring myself around to blocking him. Or anyone for that matter. Since a while back, I don't initiate conversations with him. It's always been him starting up the conversation. But he'd never continue the conversation and I'd have to carry it most of the times. And even then, he'd reply at will.

I dont like to admit it, but secretly i really don't have any friends. I live a pretty joy-less life and not really having anyone makes things worse. I know quite a few people, but i don't have anything in common with anyone it seems and I always have a sense of being the third wheel and not belonging.

I guess my constant ups and downs usually revolve around this issue and my longing to have someone i can connect with.

I come to this blog whenever I feel alone. It sort of keeps me sane, but after a while its like talking to a rock. It can never really talk back.

I've also contemplated shutting it down, because I don't think it's really working out the way I wanted it to. I feel as if by keeping it up, it's very existence causes me to not deal with my issues, but divert them here instead. It's like i'm running away from the real world to this internet world. I'm not really sure what i should really do though.

It's been an hour and a half since i started writing this. This post was like a rollercoaster ride. Ups and downs and all sorts of emotions. I guess my blog has sort of fulfilled one of its objectives - for me to be able to brain dump. And seeing as i've done that, i might go and try to get some sleep. At least now i wont have so much running through my mind.

It's only just hit me, but I'm now in week 6 of my last semester at uni. And in the next few weeks, im going to have a ton of assessments piled on top of me.

3 exams, a presentation, a report, and 4 online quizzes. Plus all the regular tutorial work.

And to be honest, I haven't started any of it.

At at the start of semester, you always think - "I'm behind by a little bit, but thats okay, because its only the first/second week of semester. I'll catch up." but then the weeks go by and the uni work starts piling. and then comes the realisation that something eventually needs to be done.

Right now im at that point in the semester where I've got most of my assessments due, and I really have no more time to put it off.

I've decided that I'm going to be staying at uni everyday until the library closes (8pm) so that i can actually get some work done. At home, i never seem to get anything done. I'm easily distracted. I procrastinate far too much. I even procrastinate my procrastination.

Today was kind of awkward. I had class at 8am this morning, and i had set my alarm for 6. but for some stupid reason, my alarm volume had reset itself to the lowest setting, and I kind of slept through it. So i missed my class. Then I rocked up at uni 2 hours too early, because I thought it was Thursday and was going off my Thursday timetable. so now im sitting in the library procrastinating. Might have to do some work soon.

Oh and my laptop is still making horrible sounds. It sounds like an electrical problem in the circuitry somewhere. Its a high pitched squeelling/hissing type of noise. I really need to get it fixed up, but atm, i really can't afford to have it sent out to get fixed.

I'm sitting in the noisiest part of the library so that the noise wont be so obvious, but i can still hear it and its slightly driving me insane.

---

TN is talking to me again. He was being an asshole a few days ago and I probably pissed him off too. But he seems fine again. Im not really gonna take too much notice of him.

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Oh thanks for the mention BaS. I admire your efforts to post in english :-) Keep it up.

the sun goes down on our last day
we both know there's no other way
for us
there's no hope to fix it now
cause there's no turning back when the day is done

we know
we've had
better days
and now it's time we
went our
separate ways

and it's the twilight of our love
baby it's the twilight of our love
and when the last light fades
there'll be nothing left to say


we should have learned from our mistakes
instead of pushing each other away, away
tomorrow wasn't meant for us,
but i will hold you while we still have the sun

we know
we've had
better days
and now it's time we
went our
separate ways

and it's the twilight of our love
baby it's the twilight of our love
and when the light fades
there'll be nothing left to say

it's almost night time
but i can't say goodbye to you, to you, to you
and there's no more light left
i wish we had more time left together, together, together

cause we're not done yet
we're not done yet
so don't let the sun set

we know
we've had
better days
and now it's time we
went our
separate ways

and it's the twilight of our love
baby it's the twilight of our love
and when the last light fades
there'll be nothing left to say
they said tomorrow wasn't meant for us

we know
we've had
better days
and now it's time we
went our
separate ways

and it's the twilight of our love
baby it's the twilight of our love
and when the last light fades
there'll be nothing left to say

it's twilight,
it's twilight.

Since my post about my Half Years resolution, I've been trying to keep a positive attitude and outlook on life. And although not much has happened since then, (except for my getting sick), I have actually been feeling a lot happier. I haven't let small things bother me as much. Even uni hasn't been too bad (except for all the slow walking people, long breaks, crowded refect, loud people in the library etc ). But tonight something really struck a chord with me and atm I'm just so annoyed and frustrated that its doing my head in.

I was in class, and I feel my phone vibrating in my pocket. I grab my phone out to read the message. It was from my sisters boyfriend. The message pretty much said that since another one of our housemates is moving out soon, he was concerned that we may not be able to cover our expenses as they fall due. He mentioned how my sister was working as well as doing uni to cover these expenses and that it had taken a toll on her. He went so far as to say that she works so hard yet doesn't get the respect she deserves - I took this as a personal stab at me, because WHO ELSE could she have gotten respect from? There's just me and him, plus the other housemate. But of course, since he's her BF, he gives her all the respect she deserves. Right. The housemate pays all her bills. Check. Oh so that leaves.... yup. me. So why didn't you just freakin say it to me straight? You think im a dick, and that I don't respect her.

Here's my situation - Im doing the standard 4 subjects at uni. I'm unemployed. I don't receive any Centrelink Youth Allowance. I'm wholly dependent on my parents. I have a joint account with them so they transfer money for my bills every few weeks.

So continuing on with the text message, he also says that its 'time to bite the dust, and find a job, even if its at KFC or Maccas'. This really annoyed me, because I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO FIND A JOB FOR MONTHS!! Nobody wants me! I've applied at all the places that i could possibly apply for and noone has replied back. Either because they have no jobs, or that they'd rather pay a 16 year old kid to do it.
I'm not a lazy slob. I do try my best. And I am truly looking for a job. But its almost impossible at this time for someone of my age.

Also the few jobs on offer are usually full time jobs or day jobs which i cant take because of my uni timetable.

I'm trying to balance 4 3rd level subjects at uni, while trying to secure myself a graduate position, find a casual job and at the same time, i still have to have a some form of a social life, general duties at home and I'm also helping my sister with some stupid internship she took on (involves marketing, and everything web/print related is up to me, so it really does take up a lot of time).

So on top of all this, I've got this whole 'sexuality' thing on my mind all the time too which makes my life hell.

I don't know if he meant for the text msg to make me feel this way, but it does. It makes me feel as if he thinks I'm a disrespectful dick, who takes everything for granted and feeds off mum and dad. That I'm a lazy slob who is too up himself to find a job.

I know there are plenty of other uni students out there, who are juggling uni with work, get great results and still have time for a social life. So i know this sounds like im making excuses and complaining, but seriously I really do think i've got enough on my plate already. The reason I didn't want a job in the first place when i moved down here was because I know what its like to be working and studying at the same time. I've been there. I've done it. I did it in highschool. I balanced 2 jobs with 7 subjects at school as well as an external IT course. I just didn't want the stress of it all again.

I really am physically and mentally drained with what i've got atm and i really just want to get all this sorted out first.

And then the text message goes on to say how I should go to centrelink and apply for a Job Seekers Payment. Do you know what that requires? It requires you to have made like 10 job applications every fortnight in order to qualify for that payment. So essentially, I'd have to continously apply for jobs, and only if i didn't get employed and only if I've put in at least 10 applications will i get this meagre payment. Then for the next fortnight, its the same deal.

DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE THE TIME TO BE RUNNING AROUND APPLYING FOR JOBS?

And then tonight mum rang and my sister picked up the phone. I don't know what they were talking about but while i was in the kitchen cleaning up, i could hear my sister telling mum to stop sending me money, because I'm old enough to get a job and fend for myself and pay my own bills.

After the conversation, i ask her what it was about and she told me pretty much what her BF had texted me. That she was sick of having to pay my bills and that I should get off my ass and find a job. She also said that i should be ashamed of myself for asking for money off my parents. And then she went on to say how our parents say that they support us, but they really just support me.

I was infuriated. Seriously, does it look like i take this money and go and spend it recklessly on useless shit? HELL FUCKING NO!!! Any money that i get sent to me by mum and dad are used to pay for OUR FUCKING BILLS! I pay for the electricty. I pay for the internet. I pay for the fucking phone. HECK EVEN YOUR FUCKING MOBILE PHONE IS PAID FOR OUT OF THE MONEY I GET!! So don't you fucking go saying that they don't support you. And don't you dare imply that I spend this money on myself! Because I don't!!

You know, that's what parents are for. You only have 2 of them, and thats what they are for. To support their kids until they are able to stand on their own two feet and start their own lives. When I'm in need, no matter how embarrassing it may be, I'll ask them to help me out. I don't know what my sister's problem is. It's not my fault she decided to be independent. It's not my fault she decided to take her first few steps before she could stand properly. And now when times are tough, she blames my parents for not supporting her. NEWSFLASH. Get off your fucking high horse and if you need some financial help, ask for it! Don't go talking shit. Its your own fault you feel that way. You felt you were too good to be getting financial help off mummy and daddy. And now you blame them for not supporting you. Boo hoo! Grow up!

She says i should be ashamed of asking for handouts off mum and dad. Should i Be? Like fuck! - i never claimed to be independent like she did! I've always maintained that until i graduate and get my own full time job that i'd still be dependent on my parents.

Should i be ashamed of asking for money? I thought that was part of the deal, since whenever I'm back home, i spend every waking hour i have working on the farm with them UNPAID!. I've had to sacrifice so much! Since highschool ended 5 years ago, ever since i moved down here, I've only ever seen my school friends like 3 times. WHY? BEcause EVERY fucking time im at home im working. WORKING!!! Thats fucking why. I have no fucking friends because I'm always working to support my fucking family. So that they can fucking support me.

In the time I've been down here, which is like 5 years at the end of this year, my sister has only flown home like 3 or 4 times. I have to fly home every holiday i have. AND WORK!!

SO if you think that i should be ashamed, fucking pull your finger out and smell the roses!!

-----------------------------

With that said though, I do respect my sister for what she's doing. She works a part time job in order to pay our rent. I understand where she and her bf are coming from.

And i have been looking for a job. Anywhere but fast food. And i've specifically told them that. They both know that i'd do anything BUT fast food.

I just don't like how my sister has been treating me and belittling me. When she says something its like she's ordering me to do something. It comes across that way. I hate being told what to do, when I already know what i should be doing, and am doing what they are telling me to do. When that happens, i just ignore them, and stop doing what they want me to do. I dont' know why. Maybe I'm stubborn. Maybe its just a coping mechanism. In my head i just think "leave me the fuck alone already. i know what i have to do. and i won't do it until you go away!".

So thats my sad depressing life so far.

And now i really have to find myself a job.
You know, if worse comes to worse, i might have to start accepting cash for sex offers from manhunt or something. yeah call me a whore.

Lets just hope it doesn't have to come to that.

I haven't been feeling too well for the last day and a bit. I must've caught some sort of a bug, cos I've had a fever, vomiting, headaches, stomach pains, and aching muscles. Im feeling slightly better today but still not 100% yet.

I've been really bored as well. I'm not feeling good enough to be studying, yet I'm so over laying in bed.

This has been a pointless post, but anywho....

Election tommorrow.

I've realised I probably haven't had the best attitude for a while now. But I'd like to change that. I never made a new years resolution because then, I thought it was a rather silly idea and that I'd probably never keep to my promises. However, change is good, and right now I do need some change in my life. So im going to promise to myself:

- That I'd have a more positive outlook on life
- Take any negatives and turn them into a positive
- Be more proactive
- Keep focused on my uni work and career
- Take all opportunities I come across
- Be more sociable

And these promises start today.

Okay maybe tomorrow. Because today I want to run a muck.

We'll see how it goes.

I like colorful things :-). I bought a whole heap of hair styling products the other day off ebay, when i was feeling crappy, not because i needed any, or that it would necessarily make me look nicer, but simply because the containers were of bright colors which made me happy. I got some free gifts with them too. A pack of gum, some sort of instant coffee, and a sock. woohoo! I'm loving life already. Thumbs up for happy me.

It's so weird. I usually have the strangest dreams when I least expect it. When I've got a lot of drama going on around me, it never seems to manifest in my dreams. But then when everything seems to be alright, BAM it strikes.

I had an early morning class today, and I've been up since 4am, so when i got back from uni a bit after midday, I was heaps tired and fell asleep on my bed. I ended up in a dream land. It was really weird. I was on a bus. Not sure where we were heading though. But the bus did stop a at a few places so it must have been a tourist bus or something. I dont recall any of the faces on the bus. Except for one. She was the closest person i had to a grandmother (i've never met ANY of my blood relatives before) and she passed away almost two years ago. Actually thinking about it, the anniversary her of death is tomorrow, which is coincidental that my sub-conscience would remember this, where as I had actually forgotten.

So we're on the bus and I decided to sit next to her. I told her that i missed her and asked her to come back. But she told me that she has moved on and that I'll be fine without her. That was when we got off at some remote location. It was a lookout. It was a really strange landscape. She couldn't come with me, but i got off the bus and walked across what seemed like volcanic rock until i came to a valley. I crossed the valley, then climbed what seemed to be the steepest hill ever. By steep i mean almost vertical! But the view from the top was spectacular. There was a couple sitting on the top, back turned towards me. They loved each other a lot. You could just feel it. And then i looked into the sky and there was a message written out. I can't make out the exact message, but it was a message professing the couples love. After seeing that, I really wanted what that couple had, i wanted to have that same feeling of mutual trust, respect for each other and the passion they had for each other.

I climbed back down and crossed the black valley again. And then i felt a tapping on my leg. I looked around but didnt see anyone. I walked forward a few metres and felt that tapping again. I looked down and what I saw kind of surprised and shocked me. It was a hand, made of granite, that was floating in the air. It was made of rock but somehow it could move its fingers. I walked away from it, it followed, and then tapped me on the leg again. It followed me until i got back to the bus. The bus driver looked at me and said "thats black magic right there"

We got back on the bus. I sat beside grandma again. I can't remember what i asked her, but she replied with "They never told you. They won't EVER tell you. They've lied to you. All of them"

Our last stop was at grandmas house. Before i could even get up, a lady that i have a feeling i know, but i couldn't recognise came on to escort me out. It was strange because following her were several exact clones of her. She lead me through the door and closed the door behind me. I asked if grandma was going to come, and they said she had left already. It was then i noticed that all the people in the room were wielding rather large knives. I freaked out and started screaming before one of them came up to me and dropped the massive knife on me.

I woke up. I was in the living room of a family friends house. They have 2 young children, one 7 and one 5. I've known these kids since they were born. But what was strange was that they were sitting in the corner not saying a word, while I was playing with what looked to be clones of them.

I looked up at the wall and saw myself staring at a picture that looked really familiar. And then I woke up - that familiar picture was actually a picture I have on my bedroom wall and thats the first thing i saw when i woke up.

Hmm i'm really not sure what to say, but I think I may have sort of made a new friend.

I went out to a bowling event with a social group I signed up with at uni. There were about 50 or so people who turned up, and out of those people, I really only knew 5 of them. But they knew a lot more people than me, so that night, they sort of forgot about me, and I sat in the booth with my team. My team members all had a buddy they were with so apart from the obligatory introductions, we didn't really talk too much.

I'm risking sounding like a complete pessimist, but I wasn't really having too much fun. Its not that I don't like bowling, or that the other people weren't friendly. It's got a lot to do with myself. Around large groups, I get a bit anxious and I kind of become a bit of a recluse and retreat further back into my shell. I'm so bad with meeting new people and I get really nervous. You could say I'm socially awkward. I've always hated this about myself.

I guess its sort of how I've been brought up. I've never really had a chance to be with people my own age, and the only people I got to meet were adults. But even then, it wasn't 'proper' for me to talk to them unless I had been introduced. So I've always had this thing where unless the other party introduces themselves to me, or I get introduced to them by another person, I'd just sit or stand there in silence.

Its great if the other party introduces themsevles, but most of the time, because I never tend to make the first move, most people would just assume that I'm a snob. Which is completely untrue. And I hate the fact that I'm such a coward sometimes. Whats so hard about introducing yourself right?

So most of the night I put on a pretend face, and try to look happy. I try to be interested in whatever was happening. And when people talked to me I tried to be as social as I could. And then i realized how dull, boring and dry i am. I have no personality watsoever. I have nothing to talk about. After exchanging a few words, most people just went back to their own little group.

Fuck I hate myself sometimes. Why can't I have a little more life? Why can't I be a little more funny? Why am I so serious all the time? Why do i take things so literally and why am I so dry all the time? I wish i could change myself. But i can't seem to no matter how hard i try.

I think i've put out fake smiles and fake laughs so many times during my life now that I don't even know how it feels to be genuinely happy anymore.

When we were leaving though, I noticed that most people had formed groups, who lived in the same area. Like usual, I'm the only one travelling out my way. Until I noticed another guy by himself. So I asked him where he was headed. He lives in the suburb directly beside my suburb and was taking the train. My stop is the next one from his. So i said i'd train it back with him.

We had a bit of a chat and i found out some pretty interesting stuff about him. He's an international student, same age as me, doing his masters. He'd only been here for less than 3 weeks, and came alone. So he has no friends, and doesn't know anyone. At the train station he was going to buy a snack from the vending machines, but the machines didn't accept the coins he had. So i gave him some money. But he seemed a bit shy and reluctant to accept, so I bought it for him instead. He thanked me and then said something along the lines of he'll get me something next time we go out.

:-P did he say 'next time'? Well anyway we swapped phone numbers and he said he'd add me on FB.

He's not gay though i don't think so it'll be nothing more than just friends. But thats okay, because i could really use some friends right about now.

-------------------