Empty Spaces

So this day has reared itself around again, and I'm not sure whether or not I should be happy about it. I guess I should start with the positives first. I am happy for today, because I turn 25, 25 years on this glorious planet, 25 years worth of life experiences, friends and relationships, a roller coaster of emotions, and lastly 25 long gruelling years of self discovery. And yet I keep thinking that I still haven't progressed much further from where I initially started. Sometimes I can't help but think that perhaps it would have been better off If i had not have been born at all.

Now onwards we march towards the negatives, donning our suits of shining armour. Today serves to remind me about how much of a failure I am. It reminds me about how my life has come to a screeching halt with absolutely nowhere else to go. After 25 years I still haven't been able to accept and embrace who I am, and learn to love myself. I'm bound down by the chains and shackles of guilt, shame and obligation. Its hard to watch life go on around me. I see people I've known who are my age partnering up, settling down and having families, some progressing further upwards in their careers, people who are financially independent, people who are free to live their lives.

And I look at that, and blow out the candles on my imaginary cake and wish that I had that. I wish I could accept and embrace who I am. I wish I could learn to love myself and stop with the insecurities and self hatred. I wish I didnt have to hide who I am. I need consolidation and closure. I wish I had a partner who I could love sincerely, give all of myself to, and share my life with. I wish for the opportunity for a career in a field I could enjoy. I wish that I could be more financially responsible. I wish I could break free and start living life.

But we all know wishes aren't real. So for today I'll again be alone. Going about doing the same things I do every other day. Fighting back the tears, wiping my eyes dry, and laying back in bed hoping to get some more rest before I have to get up for the day.

I've had the worst weekend :-(. I still feel a bit down from the other night, and on top of that I just feel so exhausted physically. I've had the hardest time trying to sleep. I never seem to be able to wake up refreshed.

I had a dream last night. I woke up in a funeral hall, and the dead people rose from their eternal slumber. They were all weilding weapons, mainly blades of all sorts. I tried to turn on the lights but the lights wouldnt' work. These Zombie corpses came at me from all directions and did everything in their power to put me into an eternal sleep. No matter what I did, they just never seemed to die even after stabbing and wounding them.

And then THEY came. From the skies they did. And with a watchful eye over the world, they controlled my every move. And the moment I deviated from their plans they had for me, the skies would literally come crashing down on top of me.

I somehow reached a place, where there seemed to be a warp zone where multiple versions of reality merge. I see multiple versions of myself. But we all knew that only one of us will be able to pass through that point. once passed that point, history can repeat itself, and time can rewind itself back to that merging point. If my future doesn't turn out as i had wanted, i find myself back at the warp zone, with multiple versions of myself. Only one of us may proceed again into the future, while the rest of us are obliterated by THEM.

I just know that I'll never be able to have a fulfilling life or future, and so I did something really stupid that i wont mention. I put my life at risk because I just did not care anymore. And i said goodbye to my clones and told them to not be what i was. And then i cried as i watched and waited for THEM.

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I try so hard and i search in every possible place and way I can, but I can never find him again. I wish he would come back. Theres a huge void he left in me when he left me, and now all i feel is darkness.

I know im bad. I stopped taking my meds. And the moment i stop taking them, i start getting all these dreams again. BUT this is one dream that I'm glad i had.

I met my soulmate. The person who fulfills the void inside me. The person who makes me forget about everything negative in my life. He made me the happiest I've ever been in my life. He is the first person I've ever said "I LOVE YOU" to.

His name was "Positive". Well actually that was his nickname, but he prefered that name. He had an identical twin brother that I could simply not tell apart. The twin brothers name was Max. Max didnt really like me all that much. Not that he disliked me, but he was indifferent to me, and he'd get annoyed when I mistook him from his brother, and usually just walk away.

Apart from "positive", i simply cannot remember "positives" real name. I can't quite remember how it happened, but I went up and asked him if he was Max. And he didn't say directly who he was, but he asked me a question. I can't remember what the question was but the answer to the question would give me the answer i was looking for - whether or not he was Max. I can't remember what I answered with, but "positive" was a keyword. His face lit up when I answered him correctly and I realised that he wasn't Max. So from there i started calling him Positive.

Max and I never had much of a connection. He was always just there, with his twin brother positive. But him seeing how happy Positive and I were, made him happy. Happy for the both of us.

Positive and I spent most of our time walking, with our arms around each other. He made me happy like i've never been before. He truly was my soulmate. That void inside me, and that loneliness just vaporized when i was with him. I felt complete. I felt like nothing else mattered but him. I kept telling him how much I loved him.

We kissed and it was the best kiss I had ever had. And straight after I woke up.