Empty Spaces

I take a step back and observe the progress that occurs around me. I reflect upon myself. I feel like I'm stagnating, while everyone else and everything else flourishes. Don't get me wrong, everyone faces obstacles and no road is ever smooth. But I feel like I don't have the drive in me to go the extra mile. I don't have it in me to WANT to go that extra mile. Its almost as if I've accepted that I'll never be able to go where I've wanted to go, so I stop trying. Its like I'm AFRAID to go there. I'm AFRAID of what I want. ---- I have no FIGHT in me. I have no DRIVE.

I don't want to feel this way, but I do. I don't know why I feel this way, but I just do. An intense sense of jealousy and frustration. I'm annoyed. I want him so bad, but I can't have him. If he knew the extent of how I feel towards him. I want him, physically, mentally, emotionally, sexually. But I can't have him. He's my unobtanium. And yet there is someone else who wants me probably just as bad as I want the aforementioned. And it pains me to great lengths just knowing that I don't reciprocate the feelings that are had for me. I want my unobtanium. ----- Is it slightly perverse that I spend too much time and mental capacity thinking about sex and self-gratification? Perhaps it's a coping mechanism, used to escape all the shit and uncertainty that surrounds me at the moment. Is it slightly selfish that I can't help but think of myself and feel sorry for myself when there are other people more in need and in a worser situation than myself? Sometimes I stop caring. Sometimes I just want it all to end. Sometimes I wish certain individuals knew how i felt towards them and maybe just maybe they'd reciprocate. I'm being selfish again. I just want to have my cake and eat it too. I want to indulge. ----- So fucking jealous...