Empty Spaces

no not really.

Havent been on here for a while. For many reasons. For none at all. Partly because coming on here means that more often than not i will have a problem or an issue. I dont want to have a problem or an issue so i stopped coming here hoping that said problem or issue will just dissappear. And if it doesn't dissappear, i'll just pretend that i never had a problem or issue in the first place. Because if i just hide it inside and pretend it doesnt exist, then it doesnt exist right?

A lot of things have happened since the last time i wrote a proper post. Many things have changed. Some for the better some for the worse. The things around me have changed and my circumstances have changed. Yet the feeling within me is more or less the same. The void and the darkness is still there.

This existence still feels empty and pointless. I try too hard to find meaning in my life. What if life doesn't actually have a meaning at all?

So...
1) Graduated
2) Meltdown
3) Lost
4) Relocated
5) Disconnected
6) Reconnected
7) Confusion
8) Frustration
9) Depression

Thats life so far.




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Light1

I haven't posted in a long while. There've been multiple times when i've come online, typed up a post, about to submit it but then deleted it all. I feel like I've really got nothing worth writing about. I'm simply just ranting and complaining. Much ado bout nothing really. Also i feel as if everything that is bugging me is like a shadow in my peripheral vision. You know that feeling, when you feel theres something behind you, you KNOW theres somethign behind you, but the moment you turn around to see what it is, it dissapears into the shadows? Thats how it is with me really.

Im in a stage of my life where im just frustrated and angry at everything. I have no empathy or care for anything at the moment and im simply riding the roller coaster with my eyes closed. I really couldn't care to be honest. I seem to find annoyances with every little thing and im angry all the time for no rational reason other than because i want to be angry. Im at a point in time when i just couldn't care about anyone else and in fact i seem to appear to hate everyone. I don't want to see or talk to my friends. I have a strong aversion to social situations. I just want everyone around me to get stuffed, stfu and leave me alone. The few people who i do want to be around, i fear that i may seem overly clingy or desperate or attached to them. I am selective with whom i want to socialize with, and then become annoyed and angry if the other party is unavailable. Im becoming really self-centered really and being really needy.

I punish myself sometimes. Every now and then, i feel the need to put myself in pain in order to remind myself that this life is real. Bring me back to reality. Im not going to discuss much about this, but sometimes pain and punishment might be a good thing.

I've been phasing in and out of behaviours of irrationality, apathy and depression these last few weeks. I've stopped taking my medication. I honestly cant remember the last time i took them. And i've also stopped seeing my psychologist.

Theres been a few developments in life recently. I dont know if i've written about this, but I've come out to a few people at work. After Nick, I came out to J. After J, i came out to S, and then D, and just tonight, J revealed it to B.

J, B and D are also gay, so i guess in a way i was slightly more comfortable with letting them in on it.

For a while I felt a bit like Nick and i were becoming a bit distant. With my busy work schedule, lack of sleep and general exhaustion, a lot of small things really affect my mood, causing me to fall in and out of a dark void. Certain things that are said by others, certain actions and behaviours often triggered somethign within me and i'd fall into a depressive spiral.

Thats usually when apathy, carelessness and irrationality begins. I came out to D as a result. I told him one night when we were alone, because I hated the feeling of loneliness that was in me. I just didnt really care and just told him.

J and I have been spending a lot more time with each other since i came out to him.

Im so tired right now that i dont even think straight and write out anything coherently or in any logical order. Im just kind of brain dumping at the moment.

I feel really alone.
I want to have someone of my own.
I feel a great sense of loss when someone who i feel close to becomes what i feel to be distant.
There is a sense of jealousy when someone im close to becomes involved with someone else. I feel like that other person is taking away a part of me.
Maybe im being too clingy.
Perhaps i bond to people too quickly then what they can reciprocate.
Im really messed up right now.

A random guy messaged me on a website where i have a profile, and said they were interested. I asked what their intentions were, and it was purely for no strings attached physical relations. Without too much thought i agreed to it. But now im starting to think i made a wrong choice. What i want, and what that person wants are two different things. But im giving that person what he wants, in the hopes that i'd get what i want back.

Im starting to worry that im falling back into the same situation as what happened more than 2 years ago. As much as i wish i was, I am still have not gotten over what happened back then, and it still affects me so much today. Everythign from my own self esteem to how i interact with other people.

Im so messed up atm.

I can't gather my thoughts in order to be able to write a structured blog post so im just going to leave it at this.

I just need and want someone so badly. I can't shake this feeling.

So.. life and stuff right, not much has really happened yet at the same time theres been quite a bit happening. I've been so busy lately that i haven't really had time to write about any of these things.

Where to begin...

I've been working a whole lot lately. Im only a casual employee with no real set hours and im usually on call, but for nearly the past three months i've been working pretty much 38 hour weeks in addition to still having classes at uni. My shifts have been pretty sporadic, and a lot of them are split between the day. For example i'd have a 4 or 5 hour shift early in the morning (6am etc) and then i'd have another shift later that afternoon/night from about 5pm to 11pm and I wont usually get home until midnight, where i'd then have to get back up again early in the morning to start my morning shift again. The routine is really quite arduous and as a result i barely have to do anything else. Sometimes i dont really even have time to eat. Go to work, come back home, sleep for a few hours, get back up to do my night shift, get home, sleep, wakeup, go back to work for my morning shift, and repeat. 6 days a week.

At work I've kind of assumed the role of second in charge of my department, and as a result my workload is pretty big and the whole time im there im running around like a mad man trying to get everythign done. My job is pretty physically intensive, lifting lots of pretty heavey crates and stuff. There are times when i actually think im doing more than the department manager himself. I pretty much am trained to be able to run the department, so if my manager left tomorrow, I'd be able to take over. Speaking of 'taking over' theres somethign that I'm also going to mention but maybe a bit later in the post.

In the store i work at, there are several different departments, and out of the 7 departments, i've worked in 6 of them, and 3 on a regular basis. I get shifts from all 3 departments which means my work schedule is really full on. I hardly get time to go out, see friends etc anymore.

Work has been my escape from life pretty much. I use it as a way to forget about everything that is going on. I've been so busy with work in fact that I haven't seen my counsellors since the last time i wrote about it. I've been on and off with my meds. I know its not good but i just really can't stand having to be on drugs all the time.

Work has also become my social life. I go to work especially in the hopes that i'll get to see nick. being in different departments from him now, i dont really get that much of a chance to talk to him anymore but getting to see him once or twice a week makes me happy. The time i've known him i've learnt so much from him. I really like him and he knows that i like him. There are a few other colleages that i've become close to too. One of them is this really cute gay boy. We'll call him Jake.

The first shift Jake ever worked, the moment i saw him, i just had this feeling that he might be gay. I got to know him a bit more, and we talked a bit, but he never told me he was gay. It was weird because he had told Nick and another colleague, which we'll call Sal. I was talking to Sal and Nick and they both said Jake had said he was gay. But i decided I'd ask him for myself because i'd rather hear it from him. So when we were alone, i asked him, and he told me he was, and asked if i was bothered by his homosexualness. I told him i was fine with it.

He then proceeded to tell Sal later that i had asked him if he was gay, and insinuated to Sal that perhaps i was gay too and that i liked him. Sal told me this afterwork. in a way i was kind of annoyed because now he had planted this seed in sal's head, which would make her start questioning whether or not i was gay.

During my absence from their departmnet, Sal and nick had become quite close and were spending more time together. I guess i was a little jealous in a way because I felt like i was missing out being with nick. And whenever i was with them, sal was always there so i felt a bit like the third wheel. The situation was a little bit awkward.

One morning Jake and I were alone, and i dont know what i was thinking, but i came out to him. He wasn't all too surprised, and told me he was actually just waiting to see if i would actually tell him anytime soon. I told him to keep it hush because noone else knew, except for nick.

Jake is so bad at keeping secrets tho, because the other day, Jake sal and i were in the staff room and jake brought up a previous conversation that him and I had, which made it sooo extremely obvious to Sal. I just went quiet and tried to divert the covnersation elsewhere. After that, when we were alone i asked him why he had to make it so obvious to Sal, when i had told him that noone else knew and that i didnt want anyone else to know. His reply was "oh i thought she knew already!?". >.<

In a way he had already planted the seed in Sal's head, and now he's unintentionally let it slip. I knew that Sal probably already knew so that night i ended up telling sal too. So now i've officially come out to 3 people, nick, sal and jake.

Jake keeps asking me why im so afraid of having people know, and that i should embrace it and be happy, but somethign this personal to me, i just feel like its not something to just through around openly like he does. Hes a lot more accepting of himself, probably more so then i am. I tend to keep personal issues closely guarded and only really tell people i've gained an understanding and trusting relationship with.

Why did i tell jake then? stupid of me, but it was because i kind of had a bit of a crush on him, and thought that maybe because he was gay as well that perhaps it would be good to have a gay friend IRL. We've still got to work on things between us two.

Now back to that work thing before that i said i would mention. I had my palm read and although i dont usually believe in horoscopes and fortunes etc, this reading that i got really did make me think twice.

"your life line is long and prominent.however your patience signature has been tried many times. something is troubling you, but you will overcome it in time. in the very near future, you will have an opportunity to rearrange your schedule. make a wise choice, and your time spent will be worthwhile."

It seemed so perfectly fitting to my life.

At the time, i was unsure of what the last part really meant. An opportunity to rearrange your schedule. That was until the other day my store manager offered me a management contract. He wanted me to become the department manager of my department. As a result of this contract, i would have guaranteed hours, and no more of those horrid split shifts anymore. I would simply be working 6am to 2pm 6 days a week. No more late nights.

I thought about this offer, and i talked to a few people about it, but in the end, i turned it down. my reasons were:
- greater responsibility
- less flexibility
- with the change in schedule, i wont see nick anymore. or sal or jake.
- a lower pay then what im currently already getting working my sporadic schedule.

In a way, some might say it could have been an irrational decision because i based the decision mainly on the fact that i wouldn't get to see nick anymore. But at this time, i just feel like i've made the right decision.

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In other news, i've also started being a bit more social. Hanging out more with my friends. Lately we've been attempting to all meet up as a group at least once every 2 weeks. Even if its just for dinner, or a movie or something.

Last night we went out bar hopping/clubbing. And while at a club dancing, i saw this reallly cute guy dancing with only another male friend of his. Im always usually really shy and avoid eyecontact, but last night was different. I stared at him. And he saw me staring at him, and we both kept exchanging glances. We both kind of danced around each other and we'd occasionally bump and touch each other. It was a really weird feeling, because i just wanted him so bad. Like i just wanted to touch him, and make out with him. The whole night i kept looking at him and dancing with him, while at the same time trying to remain discreet so my friends wouldn't realise.

I also kind of saw that perhaps my friends wouldn't mind so much if i ever told them i was gay. Its kind of a running joke now that me and hayden are lovers. we held hands and hugged each other a few times that night, and one time my friends even pushed our faces together and made us kiss. one of them remarked that we were a cute couple. lol.

but i dont know. things could be that way atm just because they probably all see it as a joke, and maybe they would change the way they see me if i did actually tell them i was gay.

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so yeah... thats life so far. its been a bit of a rollercoaster ride. Some highs and some lows.

i'll try and make more time to keep my journal updated.

btw guys thanks for the comments. sorry if i dont reply back. doesn't mean i dont appreciate them. Im just a bit busy thats all..

<3 much love.

I've had the worst weekend :-(. I still feel a bit down from the other night, and on top of that I just feel so exhausted physically. I've had the hardest time trying to sleep. I never seem to be able to wake up refreshed.

I had a dream last night. I woke up in a funeral hall, and the dead people rose from their eternal slumber. They were all weilding weapons, mainly blades of all sorts. I tried to turn on the lights but the lights wouldnt' work. These Zombie corpses came at me from all directions and did everything in their power to put me into an eternal sleep. No matter what I did, they just never seemed to die even after stabbing and wounding them.

And then THEY came. From the skies they did. And with a watchful eye over the world, they controlled my every move. And the moment I deviated from their plans they had for me, the skies would literally come crashing down on top of me.

I somehow reached a place, where there seemed to be a warp zone where multiple versions of reality merge. I see multiple versions of myself. But we all knew that only one of us will be able to pass through that point. once passed that point, history can repeat itself, and time can rewind itself back to that merging point. If my future doesn't turn out as i had wanted, i find myself back at the warp zone, with multiple versions of myself. Only one of us may proceed again into the future, while the rest of us are obliterated by THEM.

I just know that I'll never be able to have a fulfilling life or future, and so I did something really stupid that i wont mention. I put my life at risk because I just did not care anymore. And i said goodbye to my clones and told them to not be what i was. And then i cried as i watched and waited for THEM.

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I try so hard and i search in every possible place and way I can, but I can never find him again. I wish he would come back. Theres a huge void he left in me when he left me, and now all i feel is darkness.

After a while they start to burn......

I miss him so much. I wish i could be with him again and just never ever wake up.

Earlier tonight i was just freakin emo and depressed. I mean it wasn't even over anything worth being emo over, but i just was. Fuck. Im so fuckin selfish n needy, always thinking of myself and i just take and take and never seem to be able to give back. I just hate myself sometimes soo much.

I may have outed myself to a friend as well. I was talking to him and telling him how i felt crap, and he asked me if i would explain it a bit more for him. So i did, except i witheld a fair bit of information. He then said to me that i was acting strange and evasive, and that he could read between the lines, and that he wasn't going to speculate. He said that he knew i was deliberately witholding information from him, despite my poor excuses, and that if I had wanted to tell him i would have. We left the conversation at that and changed the topic.

:-( I need to take my medication. I've been bad. But i jsut hate it. It just doesn't seem right that i have to take medication to stay happy or at least emotionally and mentally level.

urgh. i need to sleep.

I used to get really frustrated when I used to talk to random guys online. We'd chat and they'd ask me whether I was gay or not. And usually I'd tell them that im either not sure, or that I liked both. And more often then not, I'd then get asked what it is that turns me on or what it is that i think of by default - (being blunt) dick or pussy. My answer used to be that it doesn't matter because sex is sex and to me it wouldn't matter who it was with because sexual pleasure is sexual pleasure regardless of race, gender, or oriface. I told them that I'm attracted to people, not gender or certain characteristics. And then the most common outcome of the conversation would be that the other person tells me that I'm living a lie. It used to frustrate me so much. It annoyed the heck out of me, when people assumed that i was 'living a lie' without even knowing me.

But now, I think I'm beginning to understand what those people meant. Im realising that it wasn't just an empty insult or generalisation. The more i begin to accept it in myself that this is the way i am, the more im beginning to become unhappy when I realise that I am infact living a double life. Hiding my true self from the rest of the world under the disguise of the front i put forward in my everyday life. The whole 'liking other guys' thing, yeah i know that its really not anyones business but my own, and that i dont need to actively preach it to people, but at the same time I just want to be able to just live, express myself, my thoughts, emotions, opinions etc without having to do a double take, without having to screen everythign I do or say just incase someone 'finds out'.

I used to be so discreet whenever I used to look at other guys. But now Its almost as if I've forgotten i need to be discrete. I just look at other guys the same way straight guys look at girls. It just comes naturally. And then i have to remind myself that its not acceptable for me to be the way i amm and do the things i do.

The more accepting I become of my true self, the more i realise that certain things that used to make me feel awkward, i've become a lot more comfortable with. A lot of things that i used to repress now just seem to come naturally. Which makes me afraid that I might let it slip - let my guard down, whenever im with people who dont know about me. My friends, my family. I have to be cautious and careful and be ever vigilant and watch what i say and what i do. But its because of this that Im starting to feel unhappy, starting to really understand what it means to 'live a lie'. Noone really knows the true me. To live a lie, isnt' to live, lying to other people. Its to live, lying to yourself. You can lie to other people and not feel a thing. But the moment you lie to yourself, and you realise you are lying to yourself, is when you feel the pain and hurt you're causing yourself.

Another thing that seems to be really getting on my nerves and annoying me is when I hear people using the term 'fag' as an insult and using the term 'gay' to mean 'stupid'. I admit, i used to use those words as insults all the time. But slowly without me even consciously trying, those words have been removed from my vocabulary. As i come to terms with myself, I begin to internalise those insults. All of a sudden, those insults seem to be referring to me. I'm the 'fag' they're talking about. I'm the 'gay' that everyone seems to be describing things with. I realise that most of the time, people just say those words without even thinking and with no real homophobic intentions. Yet for somereason, it still hurts everytime I hear them. Because now, those words, those insults seem to equate to me.

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I feel like im drifting further and further apart from reality. I feel as if i can't go on with life any further, as the further i travel along this path, the further away i get from my true intended course of travel. I have this deep insatiable longing for this 'other' person. I feel a great sense of loneliness. A huge hole inside of me that i need filled. I just want someone to KNOW me. I seem to have trust issues. I find it very hard to trust anyone enough to let them know about me. There is so much about me that noone knows.

Im in a huge crowd of people, and Im looking around, just wishing and hoping that someone would look back at me.

I kind of feel like im coming to the end of the road and not really knowing how much further I'll be able to go. It seems like im coming to a screeching halt. There's so much thats expected of me. I've been conditioned to feel guilty whenever I dissappoint. I feel like I've travelled down the wrong road and its too late to turn back.

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Matters in life: Im on new medication (Escitalopram), had more bloodtests done, made an appointment with a new Male counsellor under the Mental Health Care Plan my doctor prescribed for me, and also made another appointment with my other counsellor.

Been really busy with work that I haven't had a chance to think. Which is a good thing, until I realise that its only good because i've brushed everythign aside.

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Old news, but yeah I came out to Nick. So he knows. He said that he had known from the start, and that it was pretty obvious. That makes me wonder. If it was so apparently obvious to him, is it also apparently obvious to other people? Was it so apparently obvious to EV? I can't believe its been 6months since the Charlie/EV incident. I still havent seen EV. I've talked to her briefly a few times but nothing more. I still dont know what Im going to do or how I feel about her.

I walked out with a blank face.

A trickle of guilt and remorse ran through my veins and i wonder if it was worth it.

I look in the mirror and I dont know who the person staring back at me is.

I feel unclean. I spend what seems like forever trying to wash it off, trying to remove everything. But try as I may, after it all, im still here. In my own skin.

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In the light of a dimly lit street lamp, I make a concious effort to avoid all the puddles on the rain-soaked bitumen as I make my way to my ute. The shoes im wearing are worn out, with the leather peeling away from the soles, and holes in the sides where they've grazed up against many a brick wall. My socks peek through the holes in the front, and the water that splashes up from the road filters through the fibres in the sock and eventually make contact with my toes. Its cold wet and dark as i walk down the street with noone but my misty shadow to keep me company.

From a distance I make out the shadow of another person beside my vehicle, in what looks to be an attempted carjacking or robbery. I approach with caution. A moment of unrest ensues and the carjacker swiftly makes his way around the vehicle directly in my line of sight and pulls from inside the black canvas bag he is holding, a fully loaded revolver.

He drops his bag and has both hands on the revolver. As the bag falls lifelessly onto the damp bitumen, it reveals its contents - or lack thereof. "Okay...where is the stuff" i question him. "WHERE IS IT" i repeaat in a firm manner.

With the revolver he points towards the bag and gestures as if for me to pick up the bag. I do as he wishes. "You know!" he murmurs in a clearly distressed tone. "You SHOULDN'T".

"Woah..settle. I know. You know. There is no need for firearms. If i HAD taken it upon myself to inform THEM, you obviously woudn't be here. But you are. That says alot. You and me, we both share a common interest here. Put down your weapon."

He grabs me by the collar and plants the revolver firmly against the side of my head. He cocks the hammer. It seems like an eternity from the time the hammer is cocked to when the trigger is actually pulled, which seemed to imply that there was some sort of thought process happening within his head. As if he were weighing up his choices.

And then the trigger is pulled.

I'ts a blank.

He cocks the hammer, and again, he pulls the trigger.

Another blank.

It seems like a never ending cycle.

Until he eventually drops his weapon.

He relieves his grip on me, and steps backward. We know we are in it together. We share a common bond. He knows that i know.

And then THEY appear.

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The dusty little box from underneath the bed which had been neglected for far too many years finally sees its first glints of sunlight as I place it onto benchtop and brush away the dust with my fingers.

Carefully, I lift off the lid of the old box and reveal whats inside. What lies inside is somewhat of a mess, yet there is so much beauty and passion within its contents. An old box of art supplies. The pencils no longer constitute a full set, as some colours have somehow dissapeared, some are in two or more pieces. The bristles of the many brushes inside are stiff, with many a brush still bearing the evidence of the last time they were used.

Underneath all the shrapnel, a plain white unlabelled carton reveals itself. I reach in and pull it out. It seems that it has never been opened, as the carton still pocesses the small piece of tape which held it shut. Curious, I carefully peeled back the tape and inside were several charcoal pencils.

I reach over to the side of my bench and grab a piece of plain white paper. An empty canvas. The moment the tip of the charcoal pencil makes contact with the paper, it shatters and disintegrates into nothign more than a fine black powder. A breeze blows through the open window and carries away the fine specs of carbon, leaving behind a bare sheet of paper, with nothing more than a single dot on the page.

I look out the window and watch and I look back down at my page. "This is my starting point" I whisper to myself.

Its been a while.

So i've been taking Avanza (Mirtzapine) which is an antidepressant drug. It guess it seems to work in the sense that it makes me completely and utterly chilled out. Like seriously i've got nothing going on in my head at all. And i sit there like a vegetable. It makes me super tired though.

I've been pretty busy lately with work. It feels like all i do now is work and sleep.

I've been to my counsellor a few times but im not realy sure how things are going. I dont feel like im making much progress. My doctor suggested seeing another counsellor. I'll have to look into that. Also got vaccinated for Hep A and for influenza.

I've got an exam coming up soon, which i'll need to really study hard for. And his birthday dinner. Im really looking forward to it.

I want to call it quits. Im starting to question this thing called life. Im starting to question everything and everyone around me. Im starting to question the very integrity and authenticity of the relationships with the people i have around me. I just dont understand anythin anymore. Nothing makes sense to me. None of this feels real. And if it is, its not doing a very good job of it.

Im always mindful of the effects my actions can have on other people and how my actions could make them feel. I try my very best and i make compromises all the time in order to reduce the adverse repurcusions that i could have on other people. I give and give of myself as selflessly as im capable of yet it seems as if whatever i do does not even matter one bit. I just dont get it.

In a crowd of people spanning as far as the eye can see. I all ever wanted was for one person to look back at me and make me feel as if it mattered.

I dreamt of myself sitting beside the deathbed of an old lady whom i could not recognise, but felt inside that i had known her before. I watched as her life force vanished and saw her face change into the very face of death itself. That was about as real a feeling that i've ever felt in my life. And that was supposedly in a dream. What if this world im living in is really the dream world? Nothing seems to matter. I just doesn't make any sense.

I stand in the crowd, waiting, watching, hoping that something will happen.Im crushing the key to my soul in my hand, and as i do so i shift further and further away from ever letting anyone else in on whats inside.

I got my tests results back and they were all................


NEGATIVE!!! :-)

A clean bill of health from every test that was done.

Sigh of relief.

I've got an appointment with my GP and counsellor next week as well. I have to figure out what im going to say and what i need to sort out first.

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One thing bringing me right down is my parents. I love talking to them, because i miss them, but whenever we talk, it brings my mood and self-esteem and confidence right down. I hate being made the posterboy that everyone looks up to. I hate having to live up to this image. Im not perfect. And when they make me out to be the perfect child it kills me bit by bit, knowing that when the truth comes out, I'll be the biggest dissapointment of them all.

So it seems a few comments that were made previously have mysteriously dissappeared when blogger went out the other day. How lame.

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It was probably too soon to think that I was all better etc. While it was a major weight off my shoulders, makign the confession and coming to terms with the reality of what happened those two years ago, perhaps it was just a little silly of me to have assumed that everythign was good and well. I'll admit for those couple of days afterwards, I did feel so much happier, and stress free. Like nothing else mattered or bothered me.

I had a pretty *for lack of better word* crappy day today. I was home alone (like pretty much most days). I messaged a few people to see if they wanted to do anything today, but they all declined. So i was stuck with myself for the day. I hate just sitting at home alone. I feel as if the day is just going by and im not doing anythign productive at all. I feel like im wasting my days. I had this sinking feeling inside me, and for the first time since the confession post, my mood went down considerably.

Urgh....

I really dont like being by myself. I hate this loneliness. It really gets to me and eats away at me. It really shouldnt' be this way, but i just feel like there is noone i know in real life who can rid me of this loneliness. I can be surrounded by a million people i know, and during the moment, i'll temporarily forget that im alone. But as soon as those people leave, i'll be back to where i was.

It feels like there is a massive void inside of me. That i can't seem to fill.

It was too soon to think I was alright. Its amusing how volatile emotions/feeligns/mood can be.

I should have done this so much earlier, and I regret not taking this step a lot sooner, but today, is the first day of the rest of my life (well actually yesterday was, cos i told Nick it was. But i guess today can be too). I took my first step onto the road of recovery.

After some serious advice (you guys know who you are) I went to a local sexual health clinic and had some tests done.

This is somethign i've been wanting to do, yet at the same time, been so scared of doing for so long. After what happened, I guess I had so much going on in my head that i just didn't know what to do or where to begin. In a sense, i had this notion in my head that if i repress it, hide it deep within me and not ever speak of it again, then nothing ever happened. I was also deeply scared about what the outcomes of the sexual health test would be. I was so scared that it would be something bad. A million thoughts ran through my head and heaps of different scenarios were played through my mind re-enacting a worse case scenario. What would i tell my parents, what would i do? Out of fear, and not wanting to hear bad news, I neglected to get these extremely important tests done.

A few things happened today. A couple of funny things too. I foudn the clinic easily enough. It was in a multistory building, being on the level above ground floor. So i walked through the front door, and got into the elevator. Pressed Level 1. The doors closed and i waited.....and waited.....and waited....and waited...Damn i thought, this elevator is sloooow. The doors never opened so i pressed the "Open Door" button, and when the doors opened, i realised the elevator had not moved an inch. I had to ask for help and was told that the elevator i went into doesn't stop at level 1. Ok so that was kinda silly of me.

After being led to a working elevator, i got to the reception desk and the lady gave me some paperwork to fill out. The clinic works on a triage assessment basis, so patients are prioritised in terms of severity of their problem. There was a question on the paperwork that had me in a little bit of shock for a while. It was: "I have sex with: []Men, []Women". I stood there for 5 mins looking at this question. It sounds simple enough right? Perhaps. I really didn't know which one to tick. I haven't worked myself out yet, so should i tick the box that i've had sexual experiences with, or tick the box that i'd LIKE to have sexual experiences with. It was a bit of self discovery and the first time I really admitted somethign to myself. I ticked "[]Men".

I was escorted to a waiting room to sit and wait to get assessed by the triage nurse. I was a little bit nervous and staring at my phone the whole time, trying to avoid eyecontact with anyone else in the waiting room. I do admit i was a little embarrassed, but then I kind of looked around and realised... "hey... all these people are here for the same thing!!" that made me feel a little calmer. These two girls around the corner were also waiting, and MY FREAKIN GOD they were loud. Lound and obnoxiously funny because they were talking about pretty much everything from how many people they've slept with to the nasty stories they've heard about and even porn and prostitutes. Thanks girls, but next time, keep it down wont you.

When i was called in by the triage nurse, she asked some routine questions, like contact details, age, etc. And then she asked me why i was here. I was tongue tied, and sat there for a few minutes trying to get the words out. And i finally did. It started with "Somethign happened to me.....a few years ago". Then when it came to telling her, I told her i was 'taken advantage of'. She asked if i had reported it to police. I told her no. And to be honest, i dont want to. I just want to move on. A few more questions and she said she'd book me into the next open slot. She also asked me when i last urinated, and i told her i couldn't remember. lol. so when i walked back out to the waiting room, i went and had a drink of water just in case.

The doctor calls me in, and after some more routine questions he read out what the triage nurse had written. I was honestly shocked and surprised to hear that she wrote down that i had been RAPED. I immediately stopped him, and told him that RAPE wasn't a term i want to throw around adn that i wasn't comfortable using that term. I told him that i told the nurse that i had been 'taken advantage of'. Since the confession a few blogposts ago, Im still coming to terms with what happened and I still haven't quite accepted it, so I wasn't so keen on using the 'R' word. But the doc stopped me, and asked me why i didnt think so. He told me to explain to him everythign that happened. And i did. And he gave it to me straight. He said that no matter what i think or say, the truth is i was 'raped'. Although not fully unconsensual, it wasn't fully consensual either, and that i was 'manipulated, and taken advantage of'. those were his words. In the paper work was a question asking whether or not the patient had been raped. And he ticked "[] YES". I guess that is it. The final answer.

Had to get naked infront of the doc which was a bit embarrassing and uncomfortable.He did a physical check and it was over pretty quickly. He took a few swabs, got a blood sample and asked me for a urine sample. And then after that he talked to me about safe sex, counselling services if i needed, and told me that being gay is nothign to be ashamed of. He gave me some pretty explicit pamphelts and a heap of condoms all in a 'discreet' little paper bag that was almost bursting at its seams.



I get the results back next week. Hopefully everything is fine. The doctor said that he thinks that there is very little risk and he is reasonably confident that my test results will come back clean. I really really hope so.

I got back to the train station and got on to the platform only the have the train doors shut in front of my face.. lame. lol so i had to wait for the next one.

-----------------

Today was a pretty productive day for me.

Apart from what i just talked about before, I replaced some wiper blades on the car, fixed and adjusted the washer nozzles, and bought some WD40 and replaced a blown brake light and the interior dome light.

:-P

I feel so manly now, you know, doing manly things like fixing stuff. haha.

Last night at work i told Nick that I was in a good mood and that today was a great day. He asked me why and i told him that it was a great day because it was the first day of the rest of my life. He looked a little puzzled but gave me a high five. And then he asked me what i proposed to do, esp since it was the first day of the rest of my life. And i told him that i was going to sort myself out and get my life back on track. He looked genuinly surprised and said "what do you mean? you're like the most conventional kid i know!". "Theres a LOT about me that you dont know" i replied, and he just kind gave an intriugued laugh. And we left it at that.

I've got an exam in 3 hours. I really don't know how im going to go because well i haven't really been in the right frame of mind to be able to study. I went through my notes and I have a vague idea of what im supposed to know. Hopefully its sufficient to at least get a pass.

And then after my exam? I sort out my life.

--------

I had another dream.

I was in a swimming pool, when all of a sudden, the jets turned on and the pool was bubbling furiously until it started overflowing. Out of nowhere a large green python floated out of the water. And as i tried to avoid it, hundreds of other snakes appeared out of a bush beside the pool. I got out of the pool and i ran and ran towards the house with these serpents as well as other rodents coming after me. When i got into the house, i quickly realised that the doors didn't close properly, leaving large gaps big enough for the snakes and rodents to come through. I tried pulling on the doors to close them but the screws on the hinges all came undone. I went into the kitchen to get something to eat. As i was eating, it felt like the plate of food i had in my hands never got any smaller. No matter how much i ate, the content on the plate remained the same.

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Wish me luck for the exam. I know i'll need it.

Its one of those nights again, where I'm physically exhausted yet as much as i try, I just can't get to sleep. I wasnt going to post this but I just really need to get it out of my system.

Im going to warn you all first, because this post and perhaps the next few posts I write are going to be extremely personal and might be quite explicit. I haven't told anyone in person before, and the few that I've talked to online, I have told versions of the truth, but never the real truth, because of the nature of it, and the fact that I tried to bury it so deep within myself, that Im afraid of digging it up again and having to face it. The things im going to write, I'm afraid of. Im embarrassed, ashamed and I feel immense guilt about it. I feel so degraded and humiliated at what i've done.

I also want to apologize to the few people who i've told parts of the truth. You know who you are. Im really sorry for in a sense, lying to you. I feel terrible that I've lied about these things, and lead you to believe another version of reality about myself but i really hope you'll be able to understand why I didn't tell the truth. This is my confession. My coming clean. Dispelling the demons within me.

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As much as i dont want to admit to it, I'm depressed. I've suffered from depression for a long time now. If i had to put a date to it, I would say that it all started back my last two years of highschool, around 2004/2005. There would be times when I would just feel really bad, and cry myself to sleep. It was just a lot of things that contributed, but at the time, I didnt really think too much of it all, and I certainly would not have admitted to being 'depressed'. With that said I might leave this for another post, and I'll move on to talking about something that is a bit more current.

I moved away from home the year immediately after i graduated from highschool, to study at university. It was a HUGE deal for me, as it would be the first time that I would be so far away from my family for such a long time. At the time, i was so scared. None of my friends were moving down with me so I had no friends and i had no family down here eitehr. I was pretty much alone. My sister had also moved down a month before me, but she had found a place to live with a highschool friend of hers. I got accepted into a residential college (on-campus accomodation) and so that was where i would spend the first two years of my uni life.

I had always been really sheltered as a kid, so I was really socially awkward. I found it extremely difficult to socialise with people, and I found it hard to make friends. The first few weeks were really difficult for me because I didnt really know anyone and during those few weeks I used to feel so alone that I'd leave and spend the nights at my sisters place. Fortunately i found out that someone else who i went to highschool with, (but wasn't a close friend of mine) had also moved down and was staying at the same residential college, so I started hanging around with her. And it was through her that I met the people I did. So in a sense, she made friends with the other people, and I became friends with her friends. Those first two years living at college only then got better from then on. I did things that I had never gotten to do before, met people I never thought I'd ever get to meet, and generally just do the things i would never have been able to do if i was still at home. It was also at college that I started to question my sexuality. It was at college that I watched my first gay porn video - just out of curiousity, in the privacy of my own room - something i never had while i was at home. I really did think it was just a phase and that I'd grow out of it. Everytime i would watch something involving two guys, I would feel so guilty afterwards. I hated the fact that I didn't get turned off. I kept telling myself it wasn't normal, and that i needed to stop what i was doing. It was only a phase that would go away. And all i had to do was to not give in to these temptations i kept having. At one point I felt so bad about all the stuff i had downloaded that i purged my computer, wiping out everythign that i had downloaded. I felt a massive surge of relief after that. But it didn't last long before I gave in to temptation again. And i would feel regret and guilt each time I brought something up on my screen.

During those two years at college, apart from questioning myself, life in general was fairly good. Had a stable group of friends, a decent social life, and I was doing quite well at uni. One thing I do recall though, is that during these two years was when I started having these really strange dreams. Really abstract random, but scary dreams, like the ones that i have now. There was always someone or something after me, and it always ended with me being wounded/injured or killed. I never knew what they meant.

In 2008 i moved out with 3 friends from college and rented a house nearby the uni. I did so against the wishes of my parents. They wanted me to move in with my sister. But this was the first time in my life that i actually had, to me, 'proper' friends, and i wanted be with them. So i signed the lease without telling my parents. They were furious when I told them i had signed a year long lease.

It was this year that i really started to spiral into a deeper depression. Being at college, and being around so many people all the time, really for better or worse, kept my mind off a lot of things. There were so many distractions at college that there wasn't really much time to really think about things and think about myself.

I met a guy off an internet forum, and we started talking. I kind of lied to him about myself, because i was afraid that if i told him about the real me, that he might not want to be my friend. We would spend hours and hours talking online (he lived in canada) and the more we talked, the more i felt like I really really liked this guy. One day he mentioned that he was thinking about coming to Australia, and that he would really like to meet me. It was then that i got slightly nervous, because I had told him certain things about me that weren't true. When it became clear that he had serious intentions, i started to back off a bit, and soon our usual routine of daily chatting became more like a few words exchanged every now and then.

Pretty soon we stopped talking altogether. I felt so bad about not telling the truth, but I was just so scared of being rejected that i felt i had to lie to him to make him want to be my friend. I started feeling really secluded and alone after we stopped talking. I started to question my self worth, and started thinking that I wasn't good enough for anyone. I really started to hate myself. I started drifting away from my housemates. It was a different environment living out of college. There were no distractions, there were no other people around besides my housemates, and the level of social interaction was significantly less than when i was living at college.

Although i was living with friends, I felt so isolated from everyone. I felt like i didn't know these people well enough to talk to them about how i was feeling. So i kept it all inside. I felt so alone and inside all i wanted to do was scream. I just wanted someone i could talk to about how im feeling and for someone to just understand me. All in the meantime, i started putting on a front. An overly confident self to make up for how i really felt inside - lonely and vulnerable. I wouldnt be able to sleep at night, and toss and turn all night until morning. And then i'd be so tired that i wouldn't get out of bed and just lay there all day. My housemates noticed my excessive time in bed, and would often joke around and bang on my door loudly and yell and scream at me to get out of bed and stop being a lazy ass. I don't hold anything against them, because they didn't know better. I would have thought the same, especially because of the front that i was putting on.

I was also on sleeping medication. I've been on sleeping medication since the last half of my second year living at college. At one point, I ended up in hospital because of a suspected allergic reaction to some sleep medication i took. To this day i dont remember what happened that night. All i can remember is vomitting a lot and a whole heap of people in my room. I was told that the nurses at the hospital were worried that i had tried to overdose on paracetamol as they found a near empty packet on my table. I can't really remember much from that night. So i dont know whether i was in hospital because of the sleep medication or from the paracetamol.

Anyway sorry for digressing. After my online friend and i stopped chatting, I fell into a depressive cycle. I'd just feel so alone everynight. I'd cry a lot. I wouldnt' be able to fall asleep. I'd then take the sleeping tablets. And that would make me drift off, but then I'd feel so weak and drowsy in the mornings. I skipped a lot of my classes because i never felt in the right mood to go. It really showed in my grades as my GPA just kept slipping down.

I got to the point of desperation one day, (unfortunately it was during final exam week), and I went onto an online dating site, and started looking through profiles. But i didnt have a paid membership so all i could do was view, and not send any messages. But i was that desperate that I kind of stalked a guy, and found his youtube account and sent him a message through there. We talked for a bit on msn and he said he'd liek to meet me. His last exam was a few days before mine and we planned to meet up after he had finished his. The day we were supposed to meet up was also the day that i had my last exam. I was totally not prepared at all for my exam so i faked a sicky and got a doctors certificate and had my exam postponed. I called him up asking where he wanted to meet. But he didn't reply. So i messaged him, and he messaged back saying that he couldn't make it because he had to do something. And after that message, I never heard from him again.

Rejection hurt so bad. I was in such a bad state of mind at the time that although i had my exam postponed by a month, when the day came, i was underprepared and I went into the exam thinking i was going to fail for sure. When the results came out, I JUST scraped through and got a pass. But it was my lowest score for a semester yet. I just barely passed every subject i did.

I went home that christmas, and just wiped everything off my mind.

In 2009 i moved in with my sister and her BF who had now replaced her highschool friend as a housemate. Being in this situation i think amplified my feelings of loneliness. I felt so out of place and as if i was the third wheel. They'd go out and do things together and leave me alone at home by myself. Whenever they used to go out, I would spend excessive amounts of time in the kitchen just cooking stuff that i wouldn't eat. Cleaning things excessively. Finding all sorts of things to do to keep my mind off being alone. I eventually started walking around late at night, which wasn't the best or safest thign to do. I would walk several kilometres in the dark by myself. I'd come back, and then go to sleep still feeling a great sense of loneliness.

You could say that i could have just called up my friends and gone out and done something, but a lot of the friends i made at college were either international students or interstate students, and by this time, most of them had graduated and had either gone back interstate or overseas. And the few friends i had left were usually busy. The times that we did go out, it just never seemed the same as it did back in college. Most of them had girlfriends or boyfriends and it wasn't much fun going out and feeling like the third wheel all the time.

There were days when I just felt like i couldn't go on. Times i just felt like i was trapped in a concrete box with no way out.

I joined up with a gay matchmaking website, hoping that i'd be able to make a few friends. I eventually started talking to a guy and he asked me if i wanted to hang out with him. A while back I wrote a story on my blog called Naive. The truth is, this wasn't a story. This was what really happened to me. It was real. Jay = Me.

I had only known him for a few hours before he asked me to meet up with him the next day. I really thought we would be friends. I didn't know he had other intentions. I was really naive. At first we spent time talking, over coffee. And then we drove around for a while. He claimed he didn't know where he was going and that we were just randomly driving. We stopped off at this park. To be fair it was more like a jungle because there was a lot of trees and it was quite dense. And while we were in there, he kissed me. I was so nervous i was trembling. It was the first time i had ever kissed anyone.

There were people coming our way so we decided to leave. And we drove off for a bit, until we stopped at another place i had never been to before. We walked for a bit before he led me to a public restroom. I thought he needed to go, so i waited outside. I waited for what seemed like more than 5 minutes. And then he walked out, gave me a stern look, and kind of made a gesture to me as if telling me to come in. I replied that i didn't need to go. Again he looked a bit annoyed and gestured for me to come in. So i did. And it was there in the handicapped stall of a public restroom that i lost my virginity. We had unprotected sex in a public restroom. It was my first sexual experience ever and i was so scared, nervous but at the same time i was excited. Being my first time, it hurt so bad. He also kept asking me to fuck him as well, but it was so new to me that I couldn't get in the mood. So he went back to fucking me. Until he came. In me. I got myself off and then we cleaned up. Just as we were about to leave, I went up to kiss him. And he pushed me away. We left the public restroom and walked a bit and then sat down on a park bench. I asked him if he was ok, and he said that he wasn't into the touchy-feely stuff. We walked to his car, and he drove me back to the shopping centre where he picked me up from. He didn't say one word during that drive. I honestly thought we were going to hang out some more, but he left me there, aplogized that he had to go. And then he hugged me and told me to keep in contact. And so i did. but he never replied. He never came online again.

I was so confused. I lost my mind for a while. I didnt know what i was supposed to think. I thought we were going to be friends. I thought sex was going to be something more special. I had so many things running through my head. I was extremely lost, and i felt so worthless. I was numb. It hurt so bad to think you had made a friend and to have that taken away from you so fast. I fell into a deeper void, and for the next few months, I stopped caring. I stopped caring about my life. about my uni. about myself. I started meeting up with random guys, thinking i would be able to meet someone nice. But all anyone ever wanted was to fuck me. It was all for sex. Afterwards, i woudl never hear from anyone again. I talked to so many people online only to have them reject me or end up blocking me. I started sleeping with guys just to feel some form of human connection. Even if for a short while. In those few months i ended up sleeping with at least 8 different people. (And im really so sorry that I never told you the truth. You know who you are :-( )

And then i met another guy. He was his his late forties. After being rejected so many times, I just didn't care anymore. So i met up with him. He told me i was beautiful. Noone had ever said that to me before. I almost cried. He kept telling me that. And then he fucked me. He dropped me off at the station and i made my way home. I felt shame, guilt and embarrassment. This man, who just slept with me, was older than my father! I crawled into bed feeling so dirty, and so worthless. I felt like my life had no meaning. That sex had no meaning. That my body had no meaning at all anymore. I said to myself that i wasn't going to do it anymore.

And i stopped. I deleted all my online accounts. I went cold turkey.

And then the loneliness crept in again. And what was supposedly a once off thing with the man in his late forties became something that was more regular.

Not beause the sex was good. But because i realised that to feel loved, accepted and beautiful, that was the price i had to pay. I had to satisfy him.

He was rather well hung, so everytime we had sex, i was in pain. Every single time it hurt, but i pretended that i was enjoying it. This went on for half a year. Until i couldn't do it anymore. And i messaged him telling him that i dont feel this is what i wanted anymore. And he said he understood.

And ever since then, I just feel so dirty. I feel like a whore. A slut. I feel as if i have no worth anymore. As much as i try to think im a good person, I just cant anymore. A voice in my head keeps echoing how much of a worthless piece of shit i am. A dirty tramp who doesnt' deserve any respect from anyone.

I look at myself in the mirror, and i hate myself. I hate the way i look. I hate my body. There is not a single thing i like about myself. I see this person in the mirror and all i can think of is ugly and dirty.

As much as I wont admit to it, it really has affected me in so many ways. I've become really withdrawn, and I dont really socialise much with people anymore. I get nervous when i have to socialise. Im not very confident at anything i do anymore, and Im finding it harder and harder to get the courage to do anything. All i ever feel like doing now is sitting in my room by myself with the door locked.

I cant stop thinking that im second class. That im used goods. I can't find anything good to say about myself. I feel like i dont compare to anyone else. I feel liek im below them.

I feel inferior to everyone else around me. I've got this inferiority complex that i can't shake off. I also think i might have body dysmorphic disorder.

I really am ill. I've been suffering from insomnia for a long time. And also as a result hypertension. I've also developed a bit of an eating disorder. Even when im really really hungry, I just wont eat. Not because i wont make the effort to eat, but because I just really dont feel like eating. I can cook all the stuff in the world, yet I wont feel like eating anythign that i've cooked. I've gone whole days without eating a single thing. But then I end up binging on really unhealthy food. Takeaway stuff like McDonalds and KFC. And i've developed an addiction to fructose. I start getting angry for no reason if i dont have something sweet like Juice or fruit. And then i'll go back to not eating for a while, and then binging on junk food. I have to say that perhaps i have a decent metabolism or something, because as a result of my abnormal eating patterns and stress, I've only gained 6kgs of weight. I thought i would have gained so much more but still, 6kgs of excess weight is still not a good thing.

There are mornings where i wake up and i'd feel so crap. I'd wake up with massive headaches and the only way to make myself feel better is for me to make myself vomit by sticking my fingers down my throat. I dont know if its a good thign to be doing but it seems to be the only thing that makes me feel slightly better.

All this eating stuff has also made my stomach a bit odd. Im bigger in every way than my sister, but I can barely eat. She eats soo much more than I do. I mean i have trouble finishing off a 6 inch sub from Subway. I really dislike going to dinners because i feel so bad that i can't finish the food. I also feel bad when people take me to buffets because I wont even get through my first plate of food.

Mum knows about my hypertension, but she doesn't know about anything else. I've told her that im just stressed out about uni. At one stage while i was back home on a break, a blood vessel burst in my right eye, and it just kept bleeding. Eventually it stopped, and since then mum has been super worried about me. I keep telling her that my hypertension is due to stress from uni, but i can't use that excuse anymore because im only doing 1 subject at uni right now and im due to graduate at the end of the year.

Iknow this has been a long post, but I really really needed to get it out.
I dont really know what else to write so i'll leave it at this. I'll write about my highschool incidents in future posts.

I really do think my insomnia is getting worse and worse. The moment I slip under the covers of my bed, and rest my head on my pillow, its like all of a sudden I have this massive rush of blood to my head and I literally feel like my head is about to explode. I just feel so tense all the time, as if I have all this pressure building up within my head. It doesn't matter how tired I can be beforehand, but the moment I try to close my eyes to sleep, I simply can't.

Everytime I close my eyes, a million thoughts, feelings and emotions come rushing into my head. Not a single thought in particular, but just a whole jumble of everythign and anything. It doesn't make any sense at all. The only realy way i can describe it is an entire stack of documents just being flung up into the air, and watching it scatter everywhere as it falls back down to the ground. Except in my head, these thoughts and feelings dont fall to the ground. They stay there, suspended in mid air.

My mind is so clouded, I can't think straight at all. I can't make logical or rational decisions. I feel like i dont know what is right or wrong anymore.

Within this jumble in my head, lies something extremely personal, dark, humiliating and something that I am so ashamed, embarrassed and guilty about. I keep thinking that its really nothing, and that I haven't at all been much affected by it. But truth is, this very thing has plagued my mind ever since, and has changed who I am and my personality and how i behave in a significant way.

I may or may not have told anyone. I may or may not have tweaked the truth. But it lingers inside me, eating away at my sanity. This big dark shadow in my mind. I can't get it away from me.

I just want to come clean. I want to dispel these demons. I keep thinking that if i pretend that it never happened or if i just ignore it that it will go away. But it doesn't. The darkness just grows and grows in my mind.

I want to just let it out. And learn to let it go. But im afraid. And ashamed. And humiliated by it.

The Darkness In My Mind

....Yeah im a closet Gleek. Seen every episode.

Loved the most recent one. Its titled "born this way" with the key theme of acceptance and loving yourself. Something i need to learn to do.

Unfortunately my white shirt wouldn't have enough space for what i would write on it.