Empty Spaces

So.. life and stuff right, not much has really happened yet at the same time theres been quite a bit happening. I've been so busy lately that i haven't really had time to write about any of these things.

Where to begin...

I've been working a whole lot lately. Im only a casual employee with no real set hours and im usually on call, but for nearly the past three months i've been working pretty much 38 hour weeks in addition to still having classes at uni. My shifts have been pretty sporadic, and a lot of them are split between the day. For example i'd have a 4 or 5 hour shift early in the morning (6am etc) and then i'd have another shift later that afternoon/night from about 5pm to 11pm and I wont usually get home until midnight, where i'd then have to get back up again early in the morning to start my morning shift again. The routine is really quite arduous and as a result i barely have to do anything else. Sometimes i dont really even have time to eat. Go to work, come back home, sleep for a few hours, get back up to do my night shift, get home, sleep, wakeup, go back to work for my morning shift, and repeat. 6 days a week.

At work I've kind of assumed the role of second in charge of my department, and as a result my workload is pretty big and the whole time im there im running around like a mad man trying to get everythign done. My job is pretty physically intensive, lifting lots of pretty heavey crates and stuff. There are times when i actually think im doing more than the department manager himself. I pretty much am trained to be able to run the department, so if my manager left tomorrow, I'd be able to take over. Speaking of 'taking over' theres somethign that I'm also going to mention but maybe a bit later in the post.

In the store i work at, there are several different departments, and out of the 7 departments, i've worked in 6 of them, and 3 on a regular basis. I get shifts from all 3 departments which means my work schedule is really full on. I hardly get time to go out, see friends etc anymore.

Work has been my escape from life pretty much. I use it as a way to forget about everything that is going on. I've been so busy with work in fact that I haven't seen my counsellors since the last time i wrote about it. I've been on and off with my meds. I know its not good but i just really can't stand having to be on drugs all the time.

Work has also become my social life. I go to work especially in the hopes that i'll get to see nick. being in different departments from him now, i dont really get that much of a chance to talk to him anymore but getting to see him once or twice a week makes me happy. The time i've known him i've learnt so much from him. I really like him and he knows that i like him. There are a few other colleages that i've become close to too. One of them is this really cute gay boy. We'll call him Jake.

The first shift Jake ever worked, the moment i saw him, i just had this feeling that he might be gay. I got to know him a bit more, and we talked a bit, but he never told me he was gay. It was weird because he had told Nick and another colleague, which we'll call Sal. I was talking to Sal and Nick and they both said Jake had said he was gay. But i decided I'd ask him for myself because i'd rather hear it from him. So when we were alone, i asked him, and he told me he was, and asked if i was bothered by his homosexualness. I told him i was fine with it.

He then proceeded to tell Sal later that i had asked him if he was gay, and insinuated to Sal that perhaps i was gay too and that i liked him. Sal told me this afterwork. in a way i was kind of annoyed because now he had planted this seed in sal's head, which would make her start questioning whether or not i was gay.

During my absence from their departmnet, Sal and nick had become quite close and were spending more time together. I guess i was a little jealous in a way because I felt like i was missing out being with nick. And whenever i was with them, sal was always there so i felt a bit like the third wheel. The situation was a little bit awkward.

One morning Jake and I were alone, and i dont know what i was thinking, but i came out to him. He wasn't all too surprised, and told me he was actually just waiting to see if i would actually tell him anytime soon. I told him to keep it hush because noone else knew, except for nick.

Jake is so bad at keeping secrets tho, because the other day, Jake sal and i were in the staff room and jake brought up a previous conversation that him and I had, which made it sooo extremely obvious to Sal. I just went quiet and tried to divert the covnersation elsewhere. After that, when we were alone i asked him why he had to make it so obvious to Sal, when i had told him that noone else knew and that i didnt want anyone else to know. His reply was "oh i thought she knew already!?". >.<

In a way he had already planted the seed in Sal's head, and now he's unintentionally let it slip. I knew that Sal probably already knew so that night i ended up telling sal too. So now i've officially come out to 3 people, nick, sal and jake.

Jake keeps asking me why im so afraid of having people know, and that i should embrace it and be happy, but somethign this personal to me, i just feel like its not something to just through around openly like he does. Hes a lot more accepting of himself, probably more so then i am. I tend to keep personal issues closely guarded and only really tell people i've gained an understanding and trusting relationship with.

Why did i tell jake then? stupid of me, but it was because i kind of had a bit of a crush on him, and thought that maybe because he was gay as well that perhaps it would be good to have a gay friend IRL. We've still got to work on things between us two.

Now back to that work thing before that i said i would mention. I had my palm read and although i dont usually believe in horoscopes and fortunes etc, this reading that i got really did make me think twice.

"your life line is long and prominent.however your patience signature has been tried many times. something is troubling you, but you will overcome it in time. in the very near future, you will have an opportunity to rearrange your schedule. make a wise choice, and your time spent will be worthwhile."

It seemed so perfectly fitting to my life.

At the time, i was unsure of what the last part really meant. An opportunity to rearrange your schedule. That was until the other day my store manager offered me a management contract. He wanted me to become the department manager of my department. As a result of this contract, i would have guaranteed hours, and no more of those horrid split shifts anymore. I would simply be working 6am to 2pm 6 days a week. No more late nights.

I thought about this offer, and i talked to a few people about it, but in the end, i turned it down. my reasons were:
- greater responsibility
- less flexibility
- with the change in schedule, i wont see nick anymore. or sal or jake.
- a lower pay then what im currently already getting working my sporadic schedule.

In a way, some might say it could have been an irrational decision because i based the decision mainly on the fact that i wouldn't get to see nick anymore. But at this time, i just feel like i've made the right decision.

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In other news, i've also started being a bit more social. Hanging out more with my friends. Lately we've been attempting to all meet up as a group at least once every 2 weeks. Even if its just for dinner, or a movie or something.

Last night we went out bar hopping/clubbing. And while at a club dancing, i saw this reallly cute guy dancing with only another male friend of his. Im always usually really shy and avoid eyecontact, but last night was different. I stared at him. And he saw me staring at him, and we both kept exchanging glances. We both kind of danced around each other and we'd occasionally bump and touch each other. It was a really weird feeling, because i just wanted him so bad. Like i just wanted to touch him, and make out with him. The whole night i kept looking at him and dancing with him, while at the same time trying to remain discreet so my friends wouldn't realise.

I also kind of saw that perhaps my friends wouldn't mind so much if i ever told them i was gay. Its kind of a running joke now that me and hayden are lovers. we held hands and hugged each other a few times that night, and one time my friends even pushed our faces together and made us kiss. one of them remarked that we were a cute couple. lol.

but i dont know. things could be that way atm just because they probably all see it as a joke, and maybe they would change the way they see me if i did actually tell them i was gay.

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so yeah... thats life so far. its been a bit of a rollercoaster ride. Some highs and some lows.

i'll try and make more time to keep my journal updated.

btw guys thanks for the comments. sorry if i dont reply back. doesn't mean i dont appreciate them. Im just a bit busy thats all..

<3 much love.

I've had the worst weekend :-(. I still feel a bit down from the other night, and on top of that I just feel so exhausted physically. I've had the hardest time trying to sleep. I never seem to be able to wake up refreshed.

I had a dream last night. I woke up in a funeral hall, and the dead people rose from their eternal slumber. They were all weilding weapons, mainly blades of all sorts. I tried to turn on the lights but the lights wouldnt' work. These Zombie corpses came at me from all directions and did everything in their power to put me into an eternal sleep. No matter what I did, they just never seemed to die even after stabbing and wounding them.

And then THEY came. From the skies they did. And with a watchful eye over the world, they controlled my every move. And the moment I deviated from their plans they had for me, the skies would literally come crashing down on top of me.

I somehow reached a place, where there seemed to be a warp zone where multiple versions of reality merge. I see multiple versions of myself. But we all knew that only one of us will be able to pass through that point. once passed that point, history can repeat itself, and time can rewind itself back to that merging point. If my future doesn't turn out as i had wanted, i find myself back at the warp zone, with multiple versions of myself. Only one of us may proceed again into the future, while the rest of us are obliterated by THEM.

I just know that I'll never be able to have a fulfilling life or future, and so I did something really stupid that i wont mention. I put my life at risk because I just did not care anymore. And i said goodbye to my clones and told them to not be what i was. And then i cried as i watched and waited for THEM.

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I try so hard and i search in every possible place and way I can, but I can never find him again. I wish he would come back. Theres a huge void he left in me when he left me, and now all i feel is darkness.

After a while they start to burn......

I miss him so much. I wish i could be with him again and just never ever wake up.

Earlier tonight i was just freakin emo and depressed. I mean it wasn't even over anything worth being emo over, but i just was. Fuck. Im so fuckin selfish n needy, always thinking of myself and i just take and take and never seem to be able to give back. I just hate myself sometimes soo much.

I may have outed myself to a friend as well. I was talking to him and telling him how i felt crap, and he asked me if i would explain it a bit more for him. So i did, except i witheld a fair bit of information. He then said to me that i was acting strange and evasive, and that he could read between the lines, and that he wasn't going to speculate. He said that he knew i was deliberately witholding information from him, despite my poor excuses, and that if I had wanted to tell him i would have. We left the conversation at that and changed the topic.

:-( I need to take my medication. I've been bad. But i jsut hate it. It just doesn't seem right that i have to take medication to stay happy or at least emotionally and mentally level.

urgh. i need to sleep.