Empty Spaces

Hello :-) So I thought I'd try something a little bit different today. Yup. The EX-Boyfriend tag. And seeing as he's now an 'EX' I guess I'll be answering the questions for the both of us.

1) Where did we meet?

I remember this well. We met through work. I had been there for about a year before he started working there. And to be honest, if it weren't for him coming up to me and making the first conversation, I probably wouldnt have really had much interaction with him, as we both worked in different departments and had different shifts.

2) Where was our first date?

We never really had an 'official' date of sorts. We just ended up talking, and then just pretty much hanging out with each other like almost every day. I guess our first outing together was probably a work function. We went together and left together.

3) What was your first impression of me?

If I'm honest, the first thing that came to mind was that I thought he was perhaps a little stalkerish, as the first thing he ever said to me was in relation to my facebook account. He knew what my facebook was, and I had no idea who he was. But ok, first impressions were that we had a lot of common interests.

4) When did you meet my family?

I've never actually met his family, as his parents are separated and they don't actually live together under the same roof. But I met his sister for the first time when he had to drop something off to her at work. And we randomly bumped into his dad when we were out getting some food one day.

5) Weird habit of each other?

Ok, I'll answer for him first. I think he probably thinks my weirdest habit is the fact that Im overly concerned with having things 'perfect'. Hmm and for him, I think a weird habit of his is that he talks far too much, so I end up forgetting what it was he's actually talking about

6) How long have we been together?

Hmm well we've known each other now for about a year and four months. But I can't say exactly how long we've been 'together' as the status of our relationship had been pretty murky at best.

7) Do we have any traditions?

I guess the fact that we hung out so much, that it would break from tradition if we went a day without seeing or speaking to each other

8) An animal that resembles one another?

Hmm for this question I think im gonna have to go with what a colleague of mine said about him before we had actually met. It just sticks in my mind now. A work colleague said he reminded them of that show Angry Beavers. lol. Dont know what animal i would be though.

9) What was our first roadtrip?

I think our first roadtrip was probably Australia day. We drove half way up to the Sunshine Coast, and then decided to go back. It wasn't exactly a roadtrip but it was a decent amoutn of time sitting in a car together.

10) First thing you noticed about me?

I think the first thing i noticed about him was his work pants were probably a size or two too big for him. Well esp. in comparison to mine, because i wore slim fit skinnies. Oh and i also didnt expect that he'd be gay. He doesnt look it. But apart from that, i didnt really take notice of much else.

11) What pisses him off?

What pisses him off the most I think is that I dont normally tell him whats upsetting me, and I tell him things are fine when they clearly aren't. What pisses me off about him is that he lacks emotional intelligence and empathy - he doesn't seem to take much notice of how his actions make me feel.

12) Favorite feature about each other?

He has really beautiful eyes. I have ugly eyes. lol. Im just going off what he's told me, but he says that he likes how I'm so 'cool, calm and collected'.

13) What do we argue about the most?

Actually we never really argue. Most of the times we sort of just debate, because sometimes we both have very different opinions on certain issues. The problem was that whereas even though I may not have agreed to his point of view, I still accepted it and agreed to disagree. He always pushed his opinion through and made me feel like my opinion was invalid.

15) Who wears the pants in the relationship?

Well neither of us wore skirts thats for sure.

16) What drink do I order when we go out to eat?

He rarely ordered drinks whenever we went out, and would either go without, or have free water. That was mainly to do with the fact he was really financially tight. I drink more than I eat, so I would always get somethign to drink, usually either flavoured water, juice or anything fruit flavoured.

17) What size of shoe do I wear?

I have no idea what shoe size he wears. I've never actually bothered to find out. Myself I wear size 6-7

18) My favorite kind of sandwich?

He'd probably be okay with anything because he was never really fussy with food. I dont like sandwiches. But if i were to go to subway or something, my fav is Italian BMT.

19) What would I eat everyday if I could?

He'd definitely be able to live off bacon and eggs. Sometimes he says im too fussy with food, as i wont eat the same thing twice in a row.

20) My favorite cereal?

I dont think i've ever seen him eat cereal before. And i don't eat cereal either. Well sometimes I have oats with either honey or mixed berries, but not very often.

21) My favorite kind of music?

He's madly in love with Taylor Swift. He should go marry her. And then they'd break up. And she'd write a song about how he broke her heart. LOL. I listen to anythign with a good beat and melody. I love acoustic tracks, electro house and trance.

22) My favorite sports team?

Was never really a big sports person so I don't really follow sports, and he's the same way as well.

23) What is my eye color?

Oh gosh, i said his most noticeable feature was probalby his eyes, but I dont actually know what color they were. If i can recall, they were a blue/grey colour? Mine are ugly brown.

24) Who is my best friend?

Oh im not sure if he had a single best friend, but one of his closest friends was a girl we also worked with, and thats how he found my Facebook.

25) Where am I from?

We both came from small country towns. My town being much smaller, countrier and bogan of course.

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He was the first boyfriend I ever had. I dont think I actually posted anything about him or having a bf, but if anyone wants to know anything about our 'relationship', comment, ask questions, and I might make a new blogpost about it.

:-) Thanks for reading.

I feel really bad at the moment. Sad. Certain things just trigger it, and then I spiral into a downwards depression. I don't even know if its sadness I'm feeling at the moment. During the course of the day, a lot of small things trigger a mechanism within myself, which causes me to question every bit about myself. I have so much pent up negativity towards myself. I don't even know what to write now, because whenever I try to write something, and describe how I'm feeling, my mind goes blank. Nothing. And the moment I move away from the screen, BAM it hits me again. I dont even know anymore. I really don't.

Ok so I'll admit i've been writing in here as if nobody reads it. But thats not really the case is it? So how about this proposal? Instead of a monologue, we'll have a conversation of sorts. Leave a comment, ask me questions and I'll answer them in a new post. I guess that way we'll be able to have somewhat of a dialogue.

Lets say we were to visualise everything in my head, all my thoughts, insecurities, and issues and suppose we form a shape out of them. Instead of a cube, or other shape where there are discrete and easily identifiable faces, my mind would be best represented by a sphere. Where there is seemingly just one face, one surface, that melds together to form the three dimensional object. My problems and my issues are represented by this sphere. As much as I wish I could identify singular personal issues and attempt to deal with them, I can't. I can't because one issue, is linked in with another issue, linked in with another issue. I can't seem to deal with any one thing in isolation without having to deal with every other issue that i have at the same time. And so its either I just do nothing at all, or face an avalanche of person problems all at once.

There is a lot on my mind and there is a lot of things that I want to say, but the moment I try to, it gets lost within a sea of other thoughts and worries. My thoughts and worries and insecurities paralyses me. There are a lot of pent up feelings within that run vividly through my body, but yet I'm unable to describe how I am feeling with words. I am at loss with words. Escapism is a temporary but necessary course of action if I am to maintain my sanity. It's a double edge sword though, as I end up appearing apathetic, mindless, neutral, boring, single-minded and unintelligent.

I am trapped. I'm leading a life that keeps the peace, while slowly destroying the very essence of who I am. My soul yearns for something that it is told it can't have. I try to understand my place in this world, my purpose in this life. It feels like a lifetime of fence-sitting. I watch the world move pass me, I get to see the journey and hardships of others, and I witness their joy and happiness when they overcome their obstacles. And yet here I am, still paralysed, going around in an infinite loop with no progress whatsoever.

I make concessions for others and I give of myself; in hopes that I may receive reciprocation. Perhaps its not productive or fair to make the assumption that I should expect the same from others. I deserve to be happy too. My happiness however, may very well ensure that my biggest fear eventuates. It's overwhelming and a huge burden to have when you are made to feel that someone else's suffering and emotional well-being is a result of your trying to achieve happiness and joy in your life. The constant emotional blackmail paralyses, and leaves no room to move.

I have this intense, almost selfish, innate need for some sort of connection with another soul. All my life I've been made to believe and accept as true, that I am insignificant as an individual. I gain no happiness or joy in being alone. I am alone. I crave an interaction with another compatible soul, and to be able to give of myself to someone who can reciprocate my deep and honest feelings. I am insecure. The thought that no one really cares. The concept of the individual is hard for me to understand or accept. My feelings and thoughts and understandings are biased towards a concept of relationships and interconnectedness. At the moment however, I am lead to believe I am alone. An empty void opens inside me.

My sense of right and wrong is determined by how something makes me feel. Other circumstances where no feelings are invoked, there is a sense of neutrality, and in these cases, morality is often determined by status quo. There is no innate ability within me to be able to make such distinctions. I can't join the dots. And so I place responsibility of joining to dots to the external world. In much the same sense, my perception of myself is determined externally. Lack of positive external affirmation results in less than positive self-assessment.

Words in my head at the moment that could be used to describe myself: different, outcast, unwanted, void, unloved, ugly, slut, unstable, emotional, needy, selfish, self-hate, misunderstood.

Sometimes I like to think about the different ways I can get out of this, and which would be the easiest and quickest way.

I'll list them:

1)Hanging myself
2) Drowning myself
3) Bleeding myself
4)Overdosing
5)Gassing myself
6)Jumping from high places
7)Jumping in front of moving vehicles
8)Shooting myself
9)Get myself into fatal vehicle accident
10)Electrocution
11) Suffocation
12)Venomous animals/insects

Not in any particular order.

But don't worry. These are just empty thoughts.

I wake up every morning upset and depressed, bound by the chains of emotional blackmail, giving of myself with nothing in return. I've hit a brick wall and theres nowhere to go. Each way i look im trapped. I just want to be happy. I want to feel loved and wanted. I just want to feel like someone actually cares about me. I want to have someone there for me. I need my own safety net instead of being everyone elses. I dont want to wake up anymore.