Empty Spaces

I feel so fucking burdened. Like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I feel like a last resort for every fucking thing. I fucking hate being the backbone and having to hold everything together. Why does everyone else have a backup? Why am i their backup? Why do I have to be one they fall to when things go wrong? What about me? Who do I fall to? Where do i go in times where i feel i can't go on anymore?

I dont want to answer my phone or emails anymore. Beause i know that these communications are defnitely not to ask me how im doing or anything like that. They're demands - help me do this, help me do that etc etc....

Fark life is so difficult. sometimes i dont think its worth it, since im not really living my own life. I'm living other peoples lives for them.

I even talk to you anymore.. I fucking hate you. You're such an asshole. You make me so freakin mad. Freakin hell, I dont even know why i put the effot into trying to talk to you.


I fucking hate being alone...

>.< I'd rather be freakin working. that way at least i wont have to sit here by myself. yeah, im getting back into the habit, mindless labour. Work. Pills. Sleep.

So i have several stars in front of me. But they dont glow. Whats the go with that. they're supposed to glow...so glow already.

I dont feel like waking up tomorrow. it'll only be a shitty day anyway. i'll wake up. i wont eat anything. i'll sit here. hoping. waiting. wishing. then just before i pass out i'll find somethign to satisfy this passing hunger. pills. sleep. repeat.

Psst.. I'll let you in on another secret.

People would assume that because I'm usually quiet and reserved and sit by myself, that I'm one of those 'mysterious' types, who observes, calculates and is probably plotting some evil plan.

But you know what? :-P they couldn't be further from the truth. My mind generally runs blank.

The movie wasn't that great, but heck, i went along anyway. Just because i could, and also because I hadn't seen JN and his girlfriend for a while. To be quite honest, I couldn't even remember what the movie was about, but it was in 3d so that made it cool. Half way through JN and his significant other wondered out of the cinema, and it had been a while and they weren't back yet. They weren't answering their phones either.

"This movies not even that good" i thought to myself, so I got up and decided to go and look for them. Seemed that maybe i wasn't the only person with the same idea, as just as i got up to leave, another guy did the same too. "It wasn't that great was it?" he asked me. "Oh .. umm yeah it was ok, but wasn't quite what i was expecting" i replied. We walked for a while, introducing ourselves to each other, talking about uni, jobs, friends etc. And then i bumped into BC.


"Hey you! What are you doing here?" he quizzed me. "oh um was watching a movie with some friends, but they walked out and now im trying to find them" i replied. A conversation ensued, which was acknowledged by the random boy who i was talking with earlier, as he waved me goodbye and started walking off. Arggh noo...I didn't even get his number! So i became somewhat figety, playing with my keys, hoping the converssation with BC would end so that i could run after the cute boy from before.

"You seem a bit tense. and preoccuppied. whats up?" BC asked. "is it that obvious?" i answered, half laughingly, "im sorry, um i got my keyring stuck on my finger and it sorta really hurts. Anyway man, it was good to see you, but I've gotta run. I'll see you around sometime yeah? We should catch up and do something yeah?" "For sure" replied BC. And with that the conversation ended.

I glanced around, and spotted cute boy in the far distance, just about the walk around the corner and down the escalators. So i run after him. "Hey wait up man!" i called out. He looked up at me and smiled. "Hello stranger. Have we met?" Slightly confused, i stood there for a bit. "oh ..um yeah.. we were just chatting before i bumped into a friend. Im sure it was you i was talking to...well i hope it was.."
Cute boy laughed a little bit and admitted he was only joking.

What happened next sort of took me by surprise. He reaches out and grabs my hand and holds it. Out of nowhere he kisses me, then after that, we both stand side by side, hand in hand, speechless on the escalator down. "OMG!" i hear someone exclaim and at that, I drop his hand immediately, suddenly remembering that im out in public. I look across, and realise that another friend of mine, JD was coming up the escaltor on the other side. Oh crap.. i thought. This is awkward.

JD swiftly walks to the top of the escalators and jumps back on the escalator down. I have a feeling that i've got some explaining to do..."You little devil" JD exclaims with a cheeky grin on her face. "Why didn't you tell me!! OMG you two are adorable!!!" No no no no its not what it seems, I tried to explain, but my attempts were futile as she was already hooked on to the idea that we were together. Cute boy gives me a kiss on the cheek and tells me that he has to go.

"please dont tell anyone JD" i plead. "Why not? you make too good of a couple not to let everyone know about it!" JD exclaimed. "Because it will make things difficult. thats why. give me some time okay JD? Promise me this is just between the two of us. Please?" I explained. "Oh alright then. I'm running late with the movie anyway, so i'll talk to you later alright? haha you little devil. good on ya." "sure. see you later". My phone vibrates, and i take it out and find out that JN and his girlfriend have left me a message, telling me that 'something has come up'. Home it is then.

A few days after, im sitting in a class room, where we have a guest speaker, coming to tell us about entrepreneurial opportunities. In the coming days, we are told, that theres going to be a convention held for young inventors, where potential ideas for new products will be evaluated, and the best idea will win a sponsorship deal. Im not sure if its been done before, but the idea i had in my head, was a 2WD mountain bike. I raise my hand and tell the guest speaker about my idea. She tells me its a wonderful idea, and that i should definitely go to the convention, as new ideas will be recorded and broadcast on tv. "Oh you can go with your BF" JD calls out from the back of the class. "Excuse me? what?" i exclaim. "you should definitely go! I bet you and your BF will be the cutest couple on TV" added JD.

The whole class turns towards me, and I can just imagine a shroud of contempt drifting over everyones heads. I know most of the people in my class, and i guess i would classify most of them as friends, but the looks on their faces doesn't really support the 'friends' classification. "Why didn't you tell us?" asked RA, clearly distraught, "thats just... god.. thats just so wrong you know?". I tried to deny it, and tell everyone that I dont even have a BF, which WAS technically true, but it seemed that the seed had been planted, and no matter what i say noone really listened.

That was interesting. Being publically outed in front of the whole class. yay. Not. "Why does it matter? Im still the same person I've always been! Nothing has to change!" I exclaimed. "L-O-L.... so whos gay here?" someone from the back interjected. Not knowing what to do, I pointed at PL and said "PL is. yeah PL is the gay one". "haha faggot...PL is a gaybo" laughed the idiot from the back.

So the chaos and tension in the room grew so completely red-faced, and humiliated, i didn't know what to do. Please please please... oh freakin hell. this did not just happen. Frustrated, I walk out of the room, only to be pulled back in by SK. She slaps me and starts crying...."and all this time, I thought you never liked me because i wasn't pretty enough or smart enough for you! You bastard!". "no thats not it at all!!! You have no idea what i've gone through! NO IDEA AT ALL!! You know its funny because all this time, I though i wasn't good enough to have any of you like me in that way...You all have no idea..." i explained, tears rollin down my face. But i guess whatever i say, noone really cares. I unlock the door, and just as Im about to walk out, SK pushes me, and after falling for what seems like a while down a dark pit, I land in a lake...

I wake up.

The shopping centre had always had an obscure entrance. But this time, it wasn't like it usually was. I walked down a long narrow corridor. I hope it wasn't just me, but the more i walked, and the closer i got towards the door, the corridor got narrower and narrower, squeezing in on me. But there was no door on at the end.

I couldn't turn back. There was nothing there. I couldn't go forward, because there was no door. But to the side of me, there was a gate, and so through that gate i walked, to end up in the lobby. There were children in the lobby. It was enclosed by glass windows with the only diretions i could go in either back through the gate, or up an escalator. There were coins scattered around. I picked one up, and handed it to a little girl. I stepped onto the escalator, where it took up me. Up and up to a place i hadn't been before. There were more coins. Except they were all the wrong size. Either too big, too thick, too wonky or were simply blank. Until i saw one that looked like the right size. I picked it up. It was a 20c coin. I looked around. I looked at the coin again, and put it in my pocket. It was the only thing that was real.

I stepped off the escalator, and found myself in the food court. All of a sudden i felt hungry. An insatiable hunger. I lined up in the queue to get some food. But when i got to the front, it was empty. there was nothing there. there wasn't any food, and there wasn't anyone there to serve me. So i walked out.

As i walked, the corridor got narrower and narrower, until i got to the end, where there was simply a gate to the side of me. I walked through that gate, and into a lobby. There were children about. I went up an escalator, that was littered with oddly shaped coins, until i got to a food court. I was hungry, so i went to order some food.

"What would you like" she asked me. But i couldnt' answer her. Because i couldn't see what they had. I couldn't read the menu. My vision was fogging up. So i tried to push up my visor. My sight was restored for a brief moment until it started fogging up again. My order was staggered, but I finially managed to tell her what i wanted. She passed me the EFTPOS machine so i could pay. But i had my sisters ATM card. No probs, because i knew her PIN and knew she wouldn't mind. I coudln't see the keypad. I JUST COULDN"T SEE IT!. I know the PIN. How can i pay if i can't read the DARN keypad!!!!!. "Transaction Failed". She didn't know this, because she was too busy serving another customer. So i walked away.

Through the busy foodcourt I walked, until i saw someone i thought i knew. I looked at him. He looked at me. It couldn't have been. I haven't seen him for years. What would he be doing here? So i kept walking. Towards the escalator i paced. Until i got a tap on the back. "Do you remember me?" he asked. Of course i do. We walked a bit, talking. Actually he did all the talking, but i couldn't hear anything he was saying. He was RIGHT BESIDE ME!!! but he seemed distant and muffled. I couldn't pick up ANYTHIGN he was saying. Down the escalators we both went, until we got to the lobby.

The gate was no longer there. There were no coins. I turned to him an asked him...."you're not real are you? you're just a dream" He looked at me and smiled. He replied "yes, you are right". He walked with me, until we got to the two doors that had appeared in the lobby. we walked through the doors, and out to the street where there was a pedestrian crossing. I saw my sister. She was crossing the road towards us. I called out at her, and she came over. She stood there looking at me. I put my hand in my pocket to give her back her ATM card. But when i pulled it out, it wasn't hers. "oh the lady must have given me the wrong card!". She turned away and started walking towards the door that me and my friend had just come through before. I called out several times, each time with my voice getting softer and softer until i no longer had a voice. Great. Just great. I could not see. I could not hear. And now i could not talk either.

A truck drove by, and as it did, the sound of its engine and its vibrations reverberated through my ears. There was a flash of light and i was no longer on the street. There was no light, except for a hole in the far left above me. I couldn't move. I was frozen.

The sound got louder and louder, as if my ears were pressed up against the engine, and my entire body was shaking violently. And then i felt it. It crawled up on me. It could read my thoughts. The more i thought about it, and how it made me feel scared, the more i could feel it on me, and the louder the sound would get and the more intense my body would shake.

Bohemian Rhapsody plays in the background.

Whatever you are, you ARENT REAL. Thats what i tried to say. But because i couldn't talk, i communicated by thought. It responded. Im on my back. it grabbed my hand and was squeezing it, before it grabbed my crotch. I could feel it sitting on my stomach.

You're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real

I shivered violently and the sound of the engine got louder and louder and louder. STOP. and it stopped. but it was still on me. with my right hand, my only free hand, i manageed to reach out and grab it. I held on tight. If you want me, you're going to have to put up a fight. I grabbed it by the leg i assumed, which it had on my crotch. And i pulled it towards me, and gave it a big bite. It's grip on my left hand subsided. So with both hands i tried to grab it. but i couldn't. I punched wildly in front of me. I knew it was still there. I could feel its presense.

I started shivering and shaking again, and the noise in my ears became defeaning. I started to cry. I tried to scream. but nothing would come out. Again and again and again i tried to scream for help. I was defenceless. I couldn't see. I was deafened by the noise in my ears and i couldn't physically get it. I couldn't move my body. It was on top of me. I had no voice.

I tried with everything i had, and managed to move my right leg, and kick it off me. And just as quickly as it came, it dissappeared just as fast. The violent shaking stopped. my vision restored. and i slowly regained body control.

I awoke to find myself on my bed, with the covers over my head, and the sound of the trains and cars driving pass.

This isn't the first time i've encoutered it. It's tried to get me before. It scares me. I dont want to fall asleep again.

Im in a plane, passing over the city. I stare out the window like i always do trying to spot landmarks and watch the cars drive through the city. I look out one last time, because i know it'll be my last. I'm looking forward to the landing.

I'm looking forward to it all coming to an end. We're spiraling down towards the earth. The run way isn't anywhere in sight. But its okay. Because its going to come to an end. I look out the window once more, and we're almost there. it becomes a blur as we reach terminal velocity. I can see the ground coming up ahead.

I'm really scared now. I had accepted the eventualities of the situation. But now im not so sure about it. My heart is pounding in my chest. I really don't want to be here. Get me out. PLEASE! I dont' want to be here. Somebody help me!!. FFS. Im telling you. I DONT WANT TO BE HERE.

Oh god. no. please. make it quick.

Time freezes. everything around me is white. but the end never comes. it just doesn't. and im still here.