Empty Spaces

the sun goes down on our last day
we both know there's no other way
for us
there's no hope to fix it now
cause there's no turning back when the day is done

we know
we've had
better days
and now it's time we
went our
separate ways

and it's the twilight of our love
baby it's the twilight of our love
and when the last light fades
there'll be nothing left to say


we should have learned from our mistakes
instead of pushing each other away, away
tomorrow wasn't meant for us,
but i will hold you while we still have the sun

we know
we've had
better days
and now it's time we
went our
separate ways

and it's the twilight of our love
baby it's the twilight of our love
and when the light fades
there'll be nothing left to say

it's almost night time
but i can't say goodbye to you, to you, to you
and there's no more light left
i wish we had more time left together, together, together

cause we're not done yet
we're not done yet
so don't let the sun set

we know
we've had
better days
and now it's time we
went our
separate ways

and it's the twilight of our love
baby it's the twilight of our love
and when the last light fades
there'll be nothing left to say
they said tomorrow wasn't meant for us

we know
we've had
better days
and now it's time we
went our
separate ways

and it's the twilight of our love
baby it's the twilight of our love
and when the last light fades
there'll be nothing left to say

it's twilight,
it's twilight.

Since my post about my Half Years resolution, I've been trying to keep a positive attitude and outlook on life. And although not much has happened since then, (except for my getting sick), I have actually been feeling a lot happier. I haven't let small things bother me as much. Even uni hasn't been too bad (except for all the slow walking people, long breaks, crowded refect, loud people in the library etc ). But tonight something really struck a chord with me and atm I'm just so annoyed and frustrated that its doing my head in.

I was in class, and I feel my phone vibrating in my pocket. I grab my phone out to read the message. It was from my sisters boyfriend. The message pretty much said that since another one of our housemates is moving out soon, he was concerned that we may not be able to cover our expenses as they fall due. He mentioned how my sister was working as well as doing uni to cover these expenses and that it had taken a toll on her. He went so far as to say that she works so hard yet doesn't get the respect she deserves - I took this as a personal stab at me, because WHO ELSE could she have gotten respect from? There's just me and him, plus the other housemate. But of course, since he's her BF, he gives her all the respect she deserves. Right. The housemate pays all her bills. Check. Oh so that leaves.... yup. me. So why didn't you just freakin say it to me straight? You think im a dick, and that I don't respect her.

Here's my situation - Im doing the standard 4 subjects at uni. I'm unemployed. I don't receive any Centrelink Youth Allowance. I'm wholly dependent on my parents. I have a joint account with them so they transfer money for my bills every few weeks.

So continuing on with the text message, he also says that its 'time to bite the dust, and find a job, even if its at KFC or Maccas'. This really annoyed me, because I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO FIND A JOB FOR MONTHS!! Nobody wants me! I've applied at all the places that i could possibly apply for and noone has replied back. Either because they have no jobs, or that they'd rather pay a 16 year old kid to do it.
I'm not a lazy slob. I do try my best. And I am truly looking for a job. But its almost impossible at this time for someone of my age.

Also the few jobs on offer are usually full time jobs or day jobs which i cant take because of my uni timetable.

I'm trying to balance 4 3rd level subjects at uni, while trying to secure myself a graduate position, find a casual job and at the same time, i still have to have a some form of a social life, general duties at home and I'm also helping my sister with some stupid internship she took on (involves marketing, and everything web/print related is up to me, so it really does take up a lot of time).

So on top of all this, I've got this whole 'sexuality' thing on my mind all the time too which makes my life hell.

I don't know if he meant for the text msg to make me feel this way, but it does. It makes me feel as if he thinks I'm a disrespectful dick, who takes everything for granted and feeds off mum and dad. That I'm a lazy slob who is too up himself to find a job.

I know there are plenty of other uni students out there, who are juggling uni with work, get great results and still have time for a social life. So i know this sounds like im making excuses and complaining, but seriously I really do think i've got enough on my plate already. The reason I didn't want a job in the first place when i moved down here was because I know what its like to be working and studying at the same time. I've been there. I've done it. I did it in highschool. I balanced 2 jobs with 7 subjects at school as well as an external IT course. I just didn't want the stress of it all again.

I really am physically and mentally drained with what i've got atm and i really just want to get all this sorted out first.

And then the text message goes on to say how I should go to centrelink and apply for a Job Seekers Payment. Do you know what that requires? It requires you to have made like 10 job applications every fortnight in order to qualify for that payment. So essentially, I'd have to continously apply for jobs, and only if i didn't get employed and only if I've put in at least 10 applications will i get this meagre payment. Then for the next fortnight, its the same deal.

DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE THE TIME TO BE RUNNING AROUND APPLYING FOR JOBS?

And then tonight mum rang and my sister picked up the phone. I don't know what they were talking about but while i was in the kitchen cleaning up, i could hear my sister telling mum to stop sending me money, because I'm old enough to get a job and fend for myself and pay my own bills.

After the conversation, i ask her what it was about and she told me pretty much what her BF had texted me. That she was sick of having to pay my bills and that I should get off my ass and find a job. She also said that i should be ashamed of myself for asking for money off my parents. And then she went on to say how our parents say that they support us, but they really just support me.

I was infuriated. Seriously, does it look like i take this money and go and spend it recklessly on useless shit? HELL FUCKING NO!!! Any money that i get sent to me by mum and dad are used to pay for OUR FUCKING BILLS! I pay for the electricty. I pay for the internet. I pay for the fucking phone. HECK EVEN YOUR FUCKING MOBILE PHONE IS PAID FOR OUT OF THE MONEY I GET!! So don't you fucking go saying that they don't support you. And don't you dare imply that I spend this money on myself! Because I don't!!

You know, that's what parents are for. You only have 2 of them, and thats what they are for. To support their kids until they are able to stand on their own two feet and start their own lives. When I'm in need, no matter how embarrassing it may be, I'll ask them to help me out. I don't know what my sister's problem is. It's not my fault she decided to be independent. It's not my fault she decided to take her first few steps before she could stand properly. And now when times are tough, she blames my parents for not supporting her. NEWSFLASH. Get off your fucking high horse and if you need some financial help, ask for it! Don't go talking shit. Its your own fault you feel that way. You felt you were too good to be getting financial help off mummy and daddy. And now you blame them for not supporting you. Boo hoo! Grow up!

She says i should be ashamed of asking for handouts off mum and dad. Should i Be? Like fuck! - i never claimed to be independent like she did! I've always maintained that until i graduate and get my own full time job that i'd still be dependent on my parents.

Should i be ashamed of asking for money? I thought that was part of the deal, since whenever I'm back home, i spend every waking hour i have working on the farm with them UNPAID!. I've had to sacrifice so much! Since highschool ended 5 years ago, ever since i moved down here, I've only ever seen my school friends like 3 times. WHY? BEcause EVERY fucking time im at home im working. WORKING!!! Thats fucking why. I have no fucking friends because I'm always working to support my fucking family. So that they can fucking support me.

In the time I've been down here, which is like 5 years at the end of this year, my sister has only flown home like 3 or 4 times. I have to fly home every holiday i have. AND WORK!!

SO if you think that i should be ashamed, fucking pull your finger out and smell the roses!!

-----------------------------

With that said though, I do respect my sister for what she's doing. She works a part time job in order to pay our rent. I understand where she and her bf are coming from.

And i have been looking for a job. Anywhere but fast food. And i've specifically told them that. They both know that i'd do anything BUT fast food.

I just don't like how my sister has been treating me and belittling me. When she says something its like she's ordering me to do something. It comes across that way. I hate being told what to do, when I already know what i should be doing, and am doing what they are telling me to do. When that happens, i just ignore them, and stop doing what they want me to do. I dont' know why. Maybe I'm stubborn. Maybe its just a coping mechanism. In my head i just think "leave me the fuck alone already. i know what i have to do. and i won't do it until you go away!".

So thats my sad depressing life so far.

And now i really have to find myself a job.
You know, if worse comes to worse, i might have to start accepting cash for sex offers from manhunt or something. yeah call me a whore.

Lets just hope it doesn't have to come to that.

I haven't been feeling too well for the last day and a bit. I must've caught some sort of a bug, cos I've had a fever, vomiting, headaches, stomach pains, and aching muscles. Im feeling slightly better today but still not 100% yet.

I've been really bored as well. I'm not feeling good enough to be studying, yet I'm so over laying in bed.

This has been a pointless post, but anywho....

Election tommorrow.

I've realised I probably haven't had the best attitude for a while now. But I'd like to change that. I never made a new years resolution because then, I thought it was a rather silly idea and that I'd probably never keep to my promises. However, change is good, and right now I do need some change in my life. So im going to promise to myself:

- That I'd have a more positive outlook on life
- Take any negatives and turn them into a positive
- Be more proactive
- Keep focused on my uni work and career
- Take all opportunities I come across
- Be more sociable

And these promises start today.

Okay maybe tomorrow. Because today I want to run a muck.

We'll see how it goes.

I like colorful things :-). I bought a whole heap of hair styling products the other day off ebay, when i was feeling crappy, not because i needed any, or that it would necessarily make me look nicer, but simply because the containers were of bright colors which made me happy. I got some free gifts with them too. A pack of gum, some sort of instant coffee, and a sock. woohoo! I'm loving life already. Thumbs up for happy me.

It's so weird. I usually have the strangest dreams when I least expect it. When I've got a lot of drama going on around me, it never seems to manifest in my dreams. But then when everything seems to be alright, BAM it strikes.

I had an early morning class today, and I've been up since 4am, so when i got back from uni a bit after midday, I was heaps tired and fell asleep on my bed. I ended up in a dream land. It was really weird. I was on a bus. Not sure where we were heading though. But the bus did stop a at a few places so it must have been a tourist bus or something. I dont recall any of the faces on the bus. Except for one. She was the closest person i had to a grandmother (i've never met ANY of my blood relatives before) and she passed away almost two years ago. Actually thinking about it, the anniversary her of death is tomorrow, which is coincidental that my sub-conscience would remember this, where as I had actually forgotten.

So we're on the bus and I decided to sit next to her. I told her that i missed her and asked her to come back. But she told me that she has moved on and that I'll be fine without her. That was when we got off at some remote location. It was a lookout. It was a really strange landscape. She couldn't come with me, but i got off the bus and walked across what seemed like volcanic rock until i came to a valley. I crossed the valley, then climbed what seemed to be the steepest hill ever. By steep i mean almost vertical! But the view from the top was spectacular. There was a couple sitting on the top, back turned towards me. They loved each other a lot. You could just feel it. And then i looked into the sky and there was a message written out. I can't make out the exact message, but it was a message professing the couples love. After seeing that, I really wanted what that couple had, i wanted to have that same feeling of mutual trust, respect for each other and the passion they had for each other.

I climbed back down and crossed the black valley again. And then i felt a tapping on my leg. I looked around but didnt see anyone. I walked forward a few metres and felt that tapping again. I looked down and what I saw kind of surprised and shocked me. It was a hand, made of granite, that was floating in the air. It was made of rock but somehow it could move its fingers. I walked away from it, it followed, and then tapped me on the leg again. It followed me until i got back to the bus. The bus driver looked at me and said "thats black magic right there"

We got back on the bus. I sat beside grandma again. I can't remember what i asked her, but she replied with "They never told you. They won't EVER tell you. They've lied to you. All of them"

Our last stop was at grandmas house. Before i could even get up, a lady that i have a feeling i know, but i couldn't recognise came on to escort me out. It was strange because following her were several exact clones of her. She lead me through the door and closed the door behind me. I asked if grandma was going to come, and they said she had left already. It was then i noticed that all the people in the room were wielding rather large knives. I freaked out and started screaming before one of them came up to me and dropped the massive knife on me.

I woke up. I was in the living room of a family friends house. They have 2 young children, one 7 and one 5. I've known these kids since they were born. But what was strange was that they were sitting in the corner not saying a word, while I was playing with what looked to be clones of them.

I looked up at the wall and saw myself staring at a picture that looked really familiar. And then I woke up - that familiar picture was actually a picture I have on my bedroom wall and thats the first thing i saw when i woke up.

Hmm i'm really not sure what to say, but I think I may have sort of made a new friend.

I went out to a bowling event with a social group I signed up with at uni. There were about 50 or so people who turned up, and out of those people, I really only knew 5 of them. But they knew a lot more people than me, so that night, they sort of forgot about me, and I sat in the booth with my team. My team members all had a buddy they were with so apart from the obligatory introductions, we didn't really talk too much.

I'm risking sounding like a complete pessimist, but I wasn't really having too much fun. Its not that I don't like bowling, or that the other people weren't friendly. It's got a lot to do with myself. Around large groups, I get a bit anxious and I kind of become a bit of a recluse and retreat further back into my shell. I'm so bad with meeting new people and I get really nervous. You could say I'm socially awkward. I've always hated this about myself.

I guess its sort of how I've been brought up. I've never really had a chance to be with people my own age, and the only people I got to meet were adults. But even then, it wasn't 'proper' for me to talk to them unless I had been introduced. So I've always had this thing where unless the other party introduces themselves to me, or I get introduced to them by another person, I'd just sit or stand there in silence.

Its great if the other party introduces themsevles, but most of the time, because I never tend to make the first move, most people would just assume that I'm a snob. Which is completely untrue. And I hate the fact that I'm such a coward sometimes. Whats so hard about introducing yourself right?

So most of the night I put on a pretend face, and try to look happy. I try to be interested in whatever was happening. And when people talked to me I tried to be as social as I could. And then i realized how dull, boring and dry i am. I have no personality watsoever. I have nothing to talk about. After exchanging a few words, most people just went back to their own little group.

Fuck I hate myself sometimes. Why can't I have a little more life? Why can't I be a little more funny? Why am I so serious all the time? Why do i take things so literally and why am I so dry all the time? I wish i could change myself. But i can't seem to no matter how hard i try.

I think i've put out fake smiles and fake laughs so many times during my life now that I don't even know how it feels to be genuinely happy anymore.

When we were leaving though, I noticed that most people had formed groups, who lived in the same area. Like usual, I'm the only one travelling out my way. Until I noticed another guy by himself. So I asked him where he was headed. He lives in the suburb directly beside my suburb and was taking the train. My stop is the next one from his. So i said i'd train it back with him.

We had a bit of a chat and i found out some pretty interesting stuff about him. He's an international student, same age as me, doing his masters. He'd only been here for less than 3 weeks, and came alone. So he has no friends, and doesn't know anyone. At the train station he was going to buy a snack from the vending machines, but the machines didn't accept the coins he had. So i gave him some money. But he seemed a bit shy and reluctant to accept, so I bought it for him instead. He thanked me and then said something along the lines of he'll get me something next time we go out.

:-P did he say 'next time'? Well anyway we swapped phone numbers and he said he'd add me on FB.

He's not gay though i don't think so it'll be nothing more than just friends. But thats okay, because i could really use some friends right about now.

-------------------

There is something wrong with me. I can't get to sleep. For the last couple of years I've been taking either sleeping pills ( One time it ended up with me in hospital) or those herbal sleep aid things. My doctor has now refused to give me anymore sleep medicine as he thinks i'm becoming reliant on them. Okay fair enough. But the fact i can't get to sleep is making me physically ill. I never feel satisfied the next morning. I always feel tired. My mind is always blurred. I can't study, I can't learn. It really sucks. It literally feels like my head is going to explode. I've also got mild hypertension. And no, its not genetics because I've had my family tested and the only one is me.

When i do eventually fall asleep though, I keep getting these recurring dreams. Where either my teeth crumble into my hands, or my hair falls out. Its really disturbing.
I googled it and found some of these explanations:

Hair Falling Out
Since hair is commonly associated with power, dreaming of loosing hair is often an indicator that we feel like our energy is being drained away. Like tooth loss dreams there is often an accompanying feeling of helplessness that comes with dreams of hair loss. And like tooth loss dreams, hair loss dreams may point to feeling powerless to change a situation. If you dream of loosing hair, look at you life and see if there are relationships or situations which are energy drainers.

Teeth Falling Out
Dreaming that your teeth are falling out is one of the many common anxiety dreams. You may dream that your teeth are crumbling in your hands or that your teeth are falling out one by one with just a light tap. Such dreams are horrifying and shocking. So what does it mean?
One theory is that dreams about your teeth reflect your anxiety about your appearance and how others perceive you. These dreams may also be a fear of your sexual impotence, powerlessness or even getting old. Alternatively, you may fear being embarrassed in some specific situation. These dreams are an over-exaggeration of your worries and anxiety.

I admit, I do feel my situation is extremely energy draining, and that I'm helpless and can't do anything about it. I have a fear of being embarrassed or making a fool of myself. I worry too much about what people will think of me.

---

Last night I had this dream, where I was in my room. It was late at night. My brother had just come back and for some reason he was out in the backyard walking around the house, probably coming in through the back door so that he wouldn't wake anyone. But then he walks pass my window and peers through. For some reason I have images of naked men on my computer screen. I run over to close the curtains, but he's already seen it. "Why are you watching gay porn?" he questions me. I try to deny it, and run over to the screen and turn it off. The power button isn't working. So i pull the monitor down so its laying flat on my table. "What are you trying to hide?" he asks me. "Nothing!" i replied. He sticks his head through the window and shines a flash light at me, and I realise that I'm naked. I tell him to get out and no matter how much i push him, he's still there.

And thats when I feel my teeth crumbling. My mouth is bleeding badly and all my teeth fall out into my hands. I'm covered in blood. I have no idea what to do. I start crying.

Then I woke up.

---

These dreams aren't one offs. They keep constantly recurring. I don't know how to stop them.

I had the worst night sleep last night. I was feeling pretty down and it was freaking cold. I really need to get a new doona, at least one that will keep in some form of heat. I was pretty much shivering the whole night.

------

I have no idea why we were there, but I had convinced TN to come out with me to the city. He was there with me, but I just had this feeling that he didn't want to be there. We were going to go on a tour of a milk factory. The Parmalat factory in Southbank to be precise. Don't ask me why we'd do that though. The factory is located pretty much on the edge of the river.

TN & I are walking along the edge of the river, when I notice a red dot on my leg. I look around and see nothing. I look down and the red dot has moved up from my leg to my chest. And that was when i noticed, on the other side of the river, a sniper, dressed in camo with his sniper rifle aimed at me.

I grabbed TN by the arm and told him to run. As we ran I lost grip of him. I turned back and he's dissappeared. I don't know what to do, so I just keep running, before jumping over a fence into a residential yard, and hiding behind some shrubs. From behind the shrub i could see a group of men, dressed in black walking along the side walk in front of the house. One of them turns to where I am and points my way, before saying something into his collar mounted microphone. Another guy pulls out a gun from his jacket and fires several shots my way. I freak out and just bolt. I jump over the back fence. Behind the houses is a concrete spillway or drain. So i jump down into that and run through the dark pipes.

I eventually emerge from a manhole onto a deserted street. Theres noone around me. All of a sudden I see bullets flying my way from all directions. I drop to the ground, and then crawl my way behind a telephone booth, before jumping into a patch of tall grass. Across the street I notice a car. I thought to myself this could be my getaway. It was a Yellow mazda SP23. I made a run for it, but when I get to the car, its no longer a SP23. Its a yellow 626. Okay i thought, this will still do. I look around again, and I see all these men in black walking out of the houses towards me. SHIT. I try to open the door. But to my surprise when i turn back, its no longer a 626. It's a go kart. Oh god i thought. Still better than nothing. As i jumped into, i realised it wasn't a go kart i was in anymore. I was sitting in a cardboard box.

I was as good as dead. I burst into tears. I jumped out of the box and just ran. Ran in no particular direction. To no particular destination. I just ran. and ran. and ran. until my legs gave out and i collapsed on the road. I looked back and all i could see was the light from a dozen or more laser pointers aimed at my head.

I woke up.

Seriously. Since dinner, I've had this on my mind the whole night. I can't get it out of my head and its making me feel rather depressed. My sister's bf came back to visit, and we went out to dinner, with another friend of his and his gf. While in the restaurant, they started talking about politics, migration, xenophobia, and eventually the topic turned to homophobia and gay people in general.

They said so many horrible things. Really degrading and a lot of it was stereotypes and completely unfounded. I'm not going to repeat anything they said, but it was really hurtful. The whole time I just sat there. After hearing those things, I just didn't want to be associated with them anymore. I wished I wasn't there. I guess I don't really act 'gay' so they probably didn't know any better. If only they knew though. Part of me wanted to tell them right then and there. Just so they knew how much damage they were doing by saying those things.

To make things worse, they were really loud and obnoxious. I'm sure most of the people in the place heard what they were talking about.

It's times like this that I wished I didn't have a life, because honestly there's nothing to live for.

Dear Peter

I haven't known you for a long time. But I feel like I have. I revealed to you a lot about me that I've never been able to tell anyone else. You were like a best friend that I never had. We understood each other. And you did the same with me. We haven't known each other for a very long time. But it seems like we have. You made me understand. You made me see a different perspective. I never had the chance to thank you.

You taught me that I am my own person. I am able to make my own decisions. I should lead my own life, not the life envisioned for me by others. Do you remember when you asked me why I was so afraid of telling my family? I told you that I didn't want to lose the only people in my life that make me happy. The only love that I have in my life. You told me that if they really did love me, they would accept who I was and love me unconditionally. You said that although it might take them time, that they would never abondon me. That they would never leave me alone. Being alone. My biggest fear. You made me see that it was all in my head, and that my irrational fear of being alone had trapped me, consumed me and made me unable to break out. You told me that the biggest barrier I faced was not from them, but the one I put up myself. Now I see. For this I want to thankyou.

You nudged me out of my comfort zone, when we broke the ice with that girl in the mall. You made me realise that if I always sat back and waited, that possibly nothing would come my way. If it wont come to me, then I must go and find it myself. You have shown me that the world was not out to get me. That to reach a destination, I had to make my own roads. That anything was possible with the right attitude. I was living in a dream world. Making unrealistic assumptions, thinking extraordinarily illogical thoughts. You brought me back to the real world. Thank you.

You were a perfect gentleman. Not once did you make me feel uneasy. I was comfortable around you. You made me feel like i was worth something. You showed interest in what I had to say. When I told you that I was a virgin, and that I had never had a relationship with anyone before. I expected you to laugh. Perhaps make fun of me. Like most people probably would. You weren't like most people. You respected me, and told me that in my own time, I would find what I'm looking for. Remember when we were at the coffee shop? You made me look like a fool when I tried to pay for my drink that you'd already paid for. I felt silly, but it was really sweet of you. You never let me thank you.

Can you recall when we were in that park? I had never been there before. You said you hadn't either. But that was a good thing right? Because it meant we could go exploring. It was a big park wasn't it? So many trees, and rather quite secluded. So many mosquitoes too! It was funny, thinking about it now, two guys, in the middle of the woods, slapping mosquitoes off each other. I enjoyed it. I felt like a child again. Do you remember layin on our backs on the grass looking up into the emptiness that was the sky? You asked me what I was thinking about. I told you that I wasn't thinking of anything. But I lied. Secretly, I was thinking of you. We went for a walk. And then you stopped, and appeared to be staring at something. You were leaning up against a tree that looked strangely like the letter Y. Do you remember when I asked you what you were thinking? You told me nothing. I took your word for it.

You then asked me to come over. Then you kissed me. My first kiss. I was so nervous. My heart was racing, my blood was pumping and my hands were trembling. I'm sure you knew. We were standing there, kissing, standing on opposite sides through the gap of where the tree split into two. You whispered in my ear "how was your first kiss?". I never did answer. You asked me again to come around. I was standing there, and you came up behind me, and wrapped your arms around me. I almost cried. Tears of happiness. Noone had ever hugged me like that before. Any trace of loneliness within me had vaporized. I felt loved. I felt protected.

When you drove me back. You didn't say a single word. As I left to catch my bus, you hugged me. You told me to text you everyday. You asked me to keep in touch.....And so I did.

But you never replied. You never answered your phone. You never came on online anymore.

You were like a beacon of light. You showed me hope. You made me realise my worth.

But then you took it all back again. You took my virginity. You left me alone.

We hadn't known each other for very long. I thought I knew you. But i was wrong. Naive.

Jay

It had been almost 15minutes that Jay had been waiting outside Myers, where he had agreed to meet Peter. A million things were running through his mind. "Have I been stood up? Should I call him? Oh God I hope I'm not at the wrong place. What if I am at the wrong place? Am I too early? Do I look alright? Maybe I shouldn't have worn this shirt...." He took his phone out of his pocket to check the time. Fifteen-past ten. Fifteen minutes that Jay had been standing alone, out the front of the department store. "Alright..."he thinks to himself, "Perhaps I should message him just to see if something has come up and he cant make it." He picks up his phone again, and starts writing out the first few words of the message. Before he could finish, Jay noticed someone standing beside him. A solid looking fella, a bit taller and quite well built.
Jay immediately closes out the message and puts his phone back into his right pocket.

The stranger looks at Jay and smiles. "Hey. You must be Jay right?" "Err.. Yeah I'm Jay.....Your... early" "Haha I'm sorry dude, traffic was pretty bad. Well it's nice to meet you. Wanna go get a coffee or something?" "Sure, that would be good. But.. I'm not much of a coffee person though. I'll just have what you're having?" "No Probs!"

The initial meet up was not nearly as awkward as Jay had envisioned. He had been imagining all sorts of scenarios that would end up horribly wrong. But for a change things were going quite smoothly. The two chatted for a while, until Peter asked Jay if he had told anyone or come out to anyone yet. "No I haven't. I'm really afraid of what might happen if I did. I don't know how my friends and family would react. But I feel so trapped because of it."

"Do what i do, its on a need to know basis." replied Peter. "it wont improve your life or theirs by telling them so why bother. let them keep their ignorance. It'll only complicate their lives and they dont need that
"Yeah I know."
"Well unless of course you want to tell them"
"It's not so much i WANT to tell them. It's just that I feel really guilty. It's kind of hard for me to explain."
"I wouldnt tell mine," said Peter, "As they say, let sleeping dogs lye. But thats just me, and you are your own man".
"Well i guess I'm just concerned with what people would think of me if they found out." explained Jay.
"Dont be to open about it, and if it comes to that, cross that bridge when you get there. That's probalby the best thing to do."

There was a moment of silence before Peter asked "Hey, are you alright Jay?"
"yeah I'm fine. Thanks. Why do you ask?"
"Cool. You sounded a bit worried that's all"
"Nah im okay. Im just a bit confused about myself thats all."
"I know wat that feels like" replied Peter, "I tried to change in the beginning but no matter what i did i couldnt change how i felt, thats just me for better or worse. such is life"
"Yeah. That's pretty much the reason why joined up with that online site. If you can't repress the feelings, why not embrace it and see where things lead"
"That was me as well," added Peter, "and i decided that it would be a pretty bleak life if i spent the whole time pretending to be someone im not."
"Yeah exactly," commented Jay.

"You said you were random and spontaneous yeah?" asked Peter
"well i guess. When im in the mood that is." replied Jay
"How about now?"
"Why what do you have planned?"
"Nothing! Thats why its spontaneous. If you had everything planned, it wouldn't be random or spontaneous anymore would it?"
"I guess your right"
"Lets go for a drive."
"Where too?" asked Jay
"Everywhere, and anywhere I guess. No real destination"
"I guess it won't hurt"

For an hour they drove aimlessy around, through suburbs they've never been to before, and past landmarks they'd never heard of. It had been such a long time since Jay had ever been able to speak so freely about anything and everything to someone else. He felt as if a huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders. It was the most cliche thing ever, but thats just how he felt. For once in his life he was able to think clearly, and have a proper conversation. Although he had only known Peter for less than half a day, Jay felt that it was a start of a good friendship to come, and never regretted skipping his biggest day at uni. Peter was a nice guy. He had his head screwed on, had ambitions and was respectful. His sense of self-confidence was an alluring charm. He had given Jay so much to think about as well as a lot of good advice.

They had driven a fair way out. Jay had no idea where they were. "Hey theres a park up ahead. Did you want to stop there and have a bit of a breather?" asked Peter. "Yeah sure, if you want" replied Jay timidly. "Come on man, I'm not going to stop unless you want to. You can't just do what I want to do. Or what everyone else wants. Don't you have an opinion of your own? What do you want to do?" Jay was taken aback. But Peter was right. For most of his life, Jay had always been somewhat submissive. He never really had his own opinions, sometimes to avoid conflict, other times because he just wasn't that confident and so thought his opinions weren't worthy of being aired. What Peter had just said to Jay was like an awakening. Noone had ever said that to Jay before. Noone had ever made him feel as if his opinions mattered. Jay sat there, without saying a word.

"So whats it gonna be" asked Peter. "Yeah. You know what? Lets stop. It'd be good to get a bit of fresh air. Not to mention save you a bit of fuel" replied Jay with a sense of enthusiasm. "Great! Thats what I wanted to hear" exclaimed Peter. "Wow what is this place?" Jay enquired, "Looks more like a forest or something, not a park". "Yeah it does, doesn't it? Want to go explore?" "Haha you bet!"

Part 3

Peter and Jay had only known each other for a few hours. I guess you could call them friends. Well internet friends at least. Jay had a secret. He never told anyone about it. Well sort of. He may have told Luke and Larissa. But they probably didn't take it seriously. Jay liked guys. At least he thought he did. Because of this secret, he found it hard to make friends, or to be around people, as he felt as if he was consumed by this secret and that he could never really be himself around others. He felt untruthful. After several years at uni, Peter was Jay's attempt at finally stepping out of the dark hole that he was in.

And so the conversation started with:

Jay: how are you?
Peter: good man. u ?
Jay: not too bad. just a bit cold atm
Peter: its like that tonight
Peter: wats ur name if u dont mind me asking
Jay: Jay
Peter: im peter as u have no doubt guessed
Jay: haha yeh
Peter: so wat brings u here
Jay: i dunno really . i guess i just wanted to discover myself a bit more
Peter: good answer i like it
Jay: make some friends i guess
Peter: thats always an upside
Jay: haha yeh. how about you?
Peter: same thing really, you stole my answer

Peter and Jay were the same age, and surprisingly they both had quite a bit in common. After a few hours chatting, they had formed a kind of friendship. They felt they could tell each other things that you wouldn't normally tell a complete stranger. They talked about what they did, where they were from, sexuality and other things. Jay was a student whereas Peter was working in security attempting to save up enough to come back to uni.

Peter: all the best things in life are shared with others, it all good and well to own a ferrari but if there is no one to gork at you as u drive past then there is no excitement in ti for u
Jay: yeh exactly. I enjoy the simple things in life. i like being random and spontaneous
Peter: best things in life are free
Jay: haha yup. like mid night walks :P
Peter: oh yeah. or riding a scooter though a westfield fun fun
Jay: lol! or that too

It was getting late, and Jay had class the next day.

Peter: u still there ?
Jay: yeh sorry im a bit slow atm. just a bit tired and just reading my lecture notes for tomorrow
Peter: lucky u
Jay: me? lucky? pfft. lol
Peter: so you going to uni 2moro?
Jay: yeah 6 hours straight tomorrow !!!
Peter: i bet u can hardly wait
Jay: lol. well if im so lucky , what are you up to tomorrow then
Peter: nothing day off
Jay: haha nice wanna swap?
Peter: u could always skip uni and come hang out with me
Jay: haha that'd be cool
Peter: u know im serious right
Jay: serious?
Peter: yeah if u want to hang out we can. hang out and have fun or six hours of lectures, the choice is yours

Jay's heart was pounding at this point. He didn't know what to do. His head was telling him "NO. You've got class tomorrow", yet his heart was telling him "Yes, go for it!". After about what seemed like an eternity, Jay made up his mind. Uni will just have to wait. Jay now had a date. His first date EVER. He was so nervous yet he was really looking forward to it. He could barely sleep that night.

Part 2

:-( its been almost 5 years since the last time i talked to him. I'm such a stupid idiot.

[11:21:09 PM] The day afte: urgh...i am so hungry
[11:21:24 PM] The day afte: i haven't eaten anithing since my half at
work
[11:22:16 PM] WhY dOnT yOu: u can eat me;)
[11:22:18 PM] WhY dOnT yOu: plenty to go round
[11:22:23 PM] The day afte: :P
[11:22:40 PM] WhY dOnT yOu: u no wat if i was ever gay like gay with
another person itd be wif u
[11:22:45 PM] WhY dOnT yOu: :|
[11:22:47 PM] WhY dOnT yOu: ok do not read that
[11:23:01 PM] WhY dOnT yOu: *isnt quite sure why that was said* but
newho
[11:23:11 PM] The day afte: :P
[11:23:16 PM] WhY dOnT yOu: *sings in embarassments*
[11:23:27 PM] The day afte: *flattered*
[11:23:36 PM] WhY dOnT yOu: i want the warehouse to sell webcams oh
god would i steal one of those !
[11:24:03 PM] WhY dOnT yOu: well i dont really want a webcam cos im
fugly.. but i want u to have a webcam ;)
[11:24:13 PM] The day afte: :-O
[11:24:18 PM] WhY dOnT yOu: *so me can watch u*

If he were gay, like gay with another person, it'd be with me. That was sweet. And he wanted to watch me on webcam 0.o

I was a stupid idiot.

Im gay. Im a homo. Im queer. I like men. I like seeing naked men. Im a bender. Im a fag. yeah whatever.

There i said it.

Why can't I just accept it? Why does it have to be such a big deal? Why can't i just embrace who i am without hating myself? Fuck. Why is everythign so fucking difficult.

Yeah i know i've just admitted to myself that im gay. But i already know that I'm only saying it so that i can pretend to be accepting of myself when i really aren't.

In every grade, there was always a person who was 'invisible'. Sure they were there, they'd go about doing whatever they did everyday, yet noone really notices them. Nicole was one of those people. She was quiet, timid, somewhat introverted and often sat by herself. She was a nice girl, and easily approachable, yet she didn't seem to have very many friends. As the bell rang, she picked up her books and made her way to her next class, SOSE (Study of Society and of the Environment). The previous class had arranged the desks in such a way that they formed a "U" shape around the classroom, with the teachers desk up front. Nicole walked in and sat at the desk closest to the door, towards the front, on the side of the "U". She didn't dare sit in the back, since only the 'cool' kids sat there. She opened up her notebook, and dated it, and sat quietly waiting for the class the begin.

Charlie and Jay were still in the locker room. Charlie and Jay had been mates since 8th grade. In actual honesty, in 8th grade, Jay was a complete loner. He had transferred from a different primary school from most of the other kids. So Jay pretty much knew nobody. Eventually Jay was taken in by Charlie and his group of friends. They've been mates since. Jay was a little bit of a pest at times. He liked to play pranks on his friends, and since he was the shortest and of the smallest build out of this friends, everyone saw him more as a 'little brother' and so despite his annoying antics, they all put up with it.

During lunch break, Jay had gone into Charlies bag and taken out his pencil case, and hid it in his locker. And so when they were supposed to have been in class, Charlie and Jay were still in the locker room, looking for Charlies lost pencil case. "So Charlie, are you sure you didn't leave it in your last class?" asked Jay. "I'm positive!" Charlie exclaimed, with an air of frustration. "You know we're going to be late hey? And it'll all be your fault. You and your silly pencil case!" grinned Jay. "Yeah i know! Shut up already. If i don't find it, im not going to class. I'll just pretned to be sick and go to the sick bay. Now quit your talking and help me find it!" "Alright alright... settle down".

As Charlie went over to the port racks to check if he had dropped his pencil case somewhere, Jay went to his locker, checked to make sure Charlie wasn't looking, and quickly unlocked, took out the pencil case, and locked his locker. He turned around again, and realised Charlie had already seen him. "What are you doing?" inquired Charlie. "Umm.. I was just looking... yeah just looking. Did you find it yet?" Charlie walked over, and snatched his pencil case from Jay. "You little shithead! So it was you the whole time!!" By this time Jay had a sheepish grin across his face that he just couldn't wipe off. "So is this your pencil case? I found it for you!... I swear it wasn't in my locker!" "OUCH!! That really hurt!!" exclaimed Jay as Charlie gave him a friendly punch in the shoulder. "Now come, on, we're already late enough as it is!" said Charlie, as he raced ahead.

By the time the boys got to class, all the 'cool kids' desks had been taken and the only desks free were those adjacent Nicole. "Hurry up boys, get a seat. Your late if you haven't noticed!" boomed Ms Ryan. "Sorry Miss, I had to go get my arm checked out because a 'certain someone' decided that attempting to break my poor little arm was a fun thing to do" replied Jay, jokingly. "You want the other arm broken too?" laughed Charlie as they took a seat. Jay could afford to be a bit of a smart alleck in class and joke around as he was at a good standing with Ms Ryan. In fact Ms Ryan was one of his favourite teachers. And Jay was one of Ms Ryan's favourite students so she was really quite leniant if he didn't do his homework, or came into class late. That's just how it was. Charlie and Jay sat down, beside each other with Jay in the middle between Charlie and Nicole. Nothing intentional, it just happened that way.

Half way through class, Jay got restless, and noticed that Nicole had a stapler shaped like a purple hippo. It looked rather amusing, so without even thinking about it, he reached over and grabbed it, and started playing with it. Nicole looked over at Jay. He smiled back at her. "Thats a really cool stapler. But i'm not sure if hippos are really purple. aren't they more like a ugly blue/grey colour?" Nicole didn't reply, but reached over and grabbed it back off Jay. "Hey! I was playing with that!" exclaimed Jay. "I know, but I want it back!" replied Nicole. "Awww your no fun!"

Since Jay couldn't get the satisfaction of playing with the hippo stapler, he made it his mission for the rest of the class to annoy Nicole as much as possible, to get back at her. It wasn't that Jay wanted to be an asshole or anything - he didn't have any bad motives. All he was trying to do was to get her attention, and possibly the purple hippo back. Noone knew, but Jay secretly sort of liked Nicole. Jay had 'known of' Nicole since 7th grade. She didnt know him though. He only knew her because of a Netball game he went to. We've all heard of the phrase "love at first sight". It was sort of like that except it wasn't so much 'love'. Probably more like "curiousity" at first sight. There was something about Nicole that drew Jay in. He wanted to know more about her. So what about the first 2 years of highschool? Why didn't Jay get to know her then? Well simple. Although Nicole never really had that many friends, she was super tight with the ones she did have, and every time Jay would try to get to know her, she'd shrug him off. Okay well Jay was actually really bad at breaking the ice so it wasn't really all Nicoles fault. But it was like Nicole wasn't really interested, so Jay put 2 and 2 together, and assumed that Nicole simply wasn't into him.

So back in SOSE class, whenever Nicole looked away, Jay would stealthily reach over and grab one of Nicoles assortment of pens and start scribbling with it on his pad, in an attempt to get her to notice. At first she didn't. But he scribbled away even more furiously until she looked over and said "Why are you scribbling all over your page?" "I can if i want to. Its my PEN and my book" "Okay then" "Erhem.. I said its MY PEN?! so i can scribble if i want to" "okay already. i was only asking" "Did you not get the part where i said MY PEN?" "HEY! Thats not your pen! Thats mine. give it back!" "I'll swap it for the hippo then" "No!" "Alright I'll give it back. But can i keep your eraser?" "Hey how'd you get that? I want that back too!"

"Nicole, is there something wrong?" asked Ms Ryan from across the room. Nicole turned to Jay, and gave him a smirk. In his head Jay was thinking "awww please. don't get me in trouble. i was just having a bit of fun" "No miss. I was just asking Jay a question". Relief swept over Jay. "Hey thanks for not dobbing me in. Here you can have it back". "Thankyou".

Then the bell rang to signal the end of class, and the end of the day. Nicole swiftly packed her stuff up and walked out. Jay watched her walk out the door, and through the glass he was certain that Nicole had turned back, and smiled at him. As the two friends walked out of the classroom towards the locker room, Charlie asked "What the hell was all that about before?" "oh nothing. she wouldn't give me the hippo" "what hippo?" "the purple one with metal teeth of course!!" "haha yeah right! You like her don't you?" "No way!!! Besides, shes not my type." "ooooohhh Jay and Nicole sitting in a tree......" "shuttup dude!" "hey stop that!! You punch like a girl you know?" exclaimed Charlie as Jay punched him in the shoulder. "I can also scratch your face off like a girl too if you like" laughed Jay.

The boys got to the lockeroom and packed up their books, grabbed their bags and walked out the school gate. Jay had to go catch a bus where as Charlie got picked up by his mum. "I'll see you tomorrow dude" said Charlie "yeah you too! And remember, double Religion class tomorrow so bring your MP3 player!" called Jay. "Yup no worries. see you dude" "See ya!"

Jay sat at the bus stop by his lonesome as he watched his friends drive pass. It wasn't all bad though, because this was his quiet time.

For a while now Jay had realised that he wasn't the person everyone thought he was. On the outside, he was a happy, cheerful and confident individual, with what seemed to be a rather large group of friends. Everyone seemed to like him, and he really didn't have anyone that he couldn't approach. He never held grudges against anyone and was the type of person who got along with everyone. But deep inside, Jay knew this was all just a front. Within himself, he felt he needed to put up this front - a front to repress what he felt inside, to make it appear as if there were nothing wrong; to hide the guilt, shame and embarrassment. Noone knew.

It was the first day back to highschool, after the mid year break, and Jay made his way to his Maths class. Maths was probably Jay's most hated, yet most liked subject. Jay was a bright student, and breazed through Maths. He liked it because it was he understood it, felt it was logical, and found it easy and saw Maths class as simply a bludge lesson. Yet thats what he hated about it - he'd finish his work early and just sit around day dreaming. Today though, was a different. As the class settled down, Mr Young, the teacher, stood up in front of the class and introduced a new student to the class. Jay looked up, attempted to listen, but then resumed his day dreaming again. Apparently the new guy's name was Brenton? Something along those lines anyway. Brenton must have been new to the school, because Jay had never seen him before.

It was a double period today which meant the lesson was 90 minutes long. An hour into the class, Jay had already completed the assigned work for the day, so he went and asked Mr Young whether he should move onto a new chapter of the textbook. "You've done well today Jay, but I don't want you to get too far ahead of the class, so maybe you can just sit down and relax or do some quiet reading or something" Mr Young explained. "But Sir, I didn't bring a reading book with me," exclaimed Jay. "In that case then, maybe you could help out some of your fellow classmates?" replied Mr Young "Oh perhaps you could give young Brenton over here a hand. He seems to be struggling a bit with the algebra". "Alright, thankyou Sir."

So Jay moved across the room and sat in an empty table beside Brenton. He moved it over so that his desk and Brentons desk were touching. At this point Brenton was looking a little confused, and wondering why this stranger had decided to move in beside him. Jay turned around and introduced himself. "Hey. Im Jay. The teacher told me to come and help you since i've finished my work already. Your Brenton right?" There was a slight pause for a while before Brenton replied "Hi Jay. I don't need any of your help. I'm fine. I know what I'm doing. By the way, the names Brent, NOT Brenton. Geez get my name wrong why don't yah!! So why don't you move along and find someone else to help?" Jay was stunned. Really? Are you for real? Asshole was the first word that immediately came to mind. "Ohh....erm.. I'm really sorry Brent. Sorry to have bothered you. I guess I'll go and help someone else." Just as Jay was about to get up, Brent grabs him by the arm and pulls him back. "Jesus Christ man, I was only joking! Do you take things this serious all the time?". The boys looked at each other and laughed. "I do take things too seriously don't I?" laughed Jay. "Hey I need your help doing these stupid functions. They make zero sense to me. And I don't want to have to finish them off for homework. How about I do you a deal? If you help me finish these questions before the lessons over, I'll let you be my best friend for the day.. How does that sound?" asked Brent. "Keep me company for the last half hour and you've got yourself a deal" replied Jay with a stupid grin on his face.

It wasn't exactly a typical day for Jay. He made a new friend (well even if it was only for a day) and for once he didn't have to act like somebody else. With Brent he just clicked, and conversation just flowed naturally. For the rest of the day they each had different classes, but Jay took the time to show him around the school during the breaks. He also found out that Brent was also in two of his other classes - namely Business Principles and Word Processing. Brent also took the liberty of introducing Jay to two other people who used to go to the same primary school as him. Well it wasn't really an introduction, because Jay already knew these people. Wait thats not right.. Jay knew OF these people, because they were in the same grade, but didn't really know them personally. But thanks to Brent he made 2 more friends.