Empty Spaces

Dear Peter

I haven't known you for a long time. But I feel like I have. I revealed to you a lot about me that I've never been able to tell anyone else. You were like a best friend that I never had. We understood each other. And you did the same with me. We haven't known each other for a very long time. But it seems like we have. You made me understand. You made me see a different perspective. I never had the chance to thank you.

You taught me that I am my own person. I am able to make my own decisions. I should lead my own life, not the life envisioned for me by others. Do you remember when you asked me why I was so afraid of telling my family? I told you that I didn't want to lose the only people in my life that make me happy. The only love that I have in my life. You told me that if they really did love me, they would accept who I was and love me unconditionally. You said that although it might take them time, that they would never abondon me. That they would never leave me alone. Being alone. My biggest fear. You made me see that it was all in my head, and that my irrational fear of being alone had trapped me, consumed me and made me unable to break out. You told me that the biggest barrier I faced was not from them, but the one I put up myself. Now I see. For this I want to thankyou.

You nudged me out of my comfort zone, when we broke the ice with that girl in the mall. You made me realise that if I always sat back and waited, that possibly nothing would come my way. If it wont come to me, then I must go and find it myself. You have shown me that the world was not out to get me. That to reach a destination, I had to make my own roads. That anything was possible with the right attitude. I was living in a dream world. Making unrealistic assumptions, thinking extraordinarily illogical thoughts. You brought me back to the real world. Thank you.

You were a perfect gentleman. Not once did you make me feel uneasy. I was comfortable around you. You made me feel like i was worth something. You showed interest in what I had to say. When I told you that I was a virgin, and that I had never had a relationship with anyone before. I expected you to laugh. Perhaps make fun of me. Like most people probably would. You weren't like most people. You respected me, and told me that in my own time, I would find what I'm looking for. Remember when we were at the coffee shop? You made me look like a fool when I tried to pay for my drink that you'd already paid for. I felt silly, but it was really sweet of you. You never let me thank you.

Can you recall when we were in that park? I had never been there before. You said you hadn't either. But that was a good thing right? Because it meant we could go exploring. It was a big park wasn't it? So many trees, and rather quite secluded. So many mosquitoes too! It was funny, thinking about it now, two guys, in the middle of the woods, slapping mosquitoes off each other. I enjoyed it. I felt like a child again. Do you remember layin on our backs on the grass looking up into the emptiness that was the sky? You asked me what I was thinking about. I told you that I wasn't thinking of anything. But I lied. Secretly, I was thinking of you. We went for a walk. And then you stopped, and appeared to be staring at something. You were leaning up against a tree that looked strangely like the letter Y. Do you remember when I asked you what you were thinking? You told me nothing. I took your word for it.

You then asked me to come over. Then you kissed me. My first kiss. I was so nervous. My heart was racing, my blood was pumping and my hands were trembling. I'm sure you knew. We were standing there, kissing, standing on opposite sides through the gap of where the tree split into two. You whispered in my ear "how was your first kiss?". I never did answer. You asked me again to come around. I was standing there, and you came up behind me, and wrapped your arms around me. I almost cried. Tears of happiness. Noone had ever hugged me like that before. Any trace of loneliness within me had vaporized. I felt loved. I felt protected.

When you drove me back. You didn't say a single word. As I left to catch my bus, you hugged me. You told me to text you everyday. You asked me to keep in touch.....And so I did.

But you never replied. You never answered your phone. You never came on online anymore.

You were like a beacon of light. You showed me hope. You made me realise my worth.

But then you took it all back again. You took my virginity. You left me alone.

We hadn't known each other for very long. I thought I knew you. But i was wrong. Naive.

Jay