Empty Spaces

Since my post about my Half Years resolution, I've been trying to keep a positive attitude and outlook on life. And although not much has happened since then, (except for my getting sick), I have actually been feeling a lot happier. I haven't let small things bother me as much. Even uni hasn't been too bad (except for all the slow walking people, long breaks, crowded refect, loud people in the library etc ). But tonight something really struck a chord with me and atm I'm just so annoyed and frustrated that its doing my head in.

I was in class, and I feel my phone vibrating in my pocket. I grab my phone out to read the message. It was from my sisters boyfriend. The message pretty much said that since another one of our housemates is moving out soon, he was concerned that we may not be able to cover our expenses as they fall due. He mentioned how my sister was working as well as doing uni to cover these expenses and that it had taken a toll on her. He went so far as to say that she works so hard yet doesn't get the respect she deserves - I took this as a personal stab at me, because WHO ELSE could she have gotten respect from? There's just me and him, plus the other housemate. But of course, since he's her BF, he gives her all the respect she deserves. Right. The housemate pays all her bills. Check. Oh so that leaves.... yup. me. So why didn't you just freakin say it to me straight? You think im a dick, and that I don't respect her.

Here's my situation - Im doing the standard 4 subjects at uni. I'm unemployed. I don't receive any Centrelink Youth Allowance. I'm wholly dependent on my parents. I have a joint account with them so they transfer money for my bills every few weeks.

So continuing on with the text message, he also says that its 'time to bite the dust, and find a job, even if its at KFC or Maccas'. This really annoyed me, because I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO FIND A JOB FOR MONTHS!! Nobody wants me! I've applied at all the places that i could possibly apply for and noone has replied back. Either because they have no jobs, or that they'd rather pay a 16 year old kid to do it.
I'm not a lazy slob. I do try my best. And I am truly looking for a job. But its almost impossible at this time for someone of my age.

Also the few jobs on offer are usually full time jobs or day jobs which i cant take because of my uni timetable.

I'm trying to balance 4 3rd level subjects at uni, while trying to secure myself a graduate position, find a casual job and at the same time, i still have to have a some form of a social life, general duties at home and I'm also helping my sister with some stupid internship she took on (involves marketing, and everything web/print related is up to me, so it really does take up a lot of time).

So on top of all this, I've got this whole 'sexuality' thing on my mind all the time too which makes my life hell.

I don't know if he meant for the text msg to make me feel this way, but it does. It makes me feel as if he thinks I'm a disrespectful dick, who takes everything for granted and feeds off mum and dad. That I'm a lazy slob who is too up himself to find a job.

I know there are plenty of other uni students out there, who are juggling uni with work, get great results and still have time for a social life. So i know this sounds like im making excuses and complaining, but seriously I really do think i've got enough on my plate already. The reason I didn't want a job in the first place when i moved down here was because I know what its like to be working and studying at the same time. I've been there. I've done it. I did it in highschool. I balanced 2 jobs with 7 subjects at school as well as an external IT course. I just didn't want the stress of it all again.

I really am physically and mentally drained with what i've got atm and i really just want to get all this sorted out first.

And then the text message goes on to say how I should go to centrelink and apply for a Job Seekers Payment. Do you know what that requires? It requires you to have made like 10 job applications every fortnight in order to qualify for that payment. So essentially, I'd have to continously apply for jobs, and only if i didn't get employed and only if I've put in at least 10 applications will i get this meagre payment. Then for the next fortnight, its the same deal.

DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE THE TIME TO BE RUNNING AROUND APPLYING FOR JOBS?

And then tonight mum rang and my sister picked up the phone. I don't know what they were talking about but while i was in the kitchen cleaning up, i could hear my sister telling mum to stop sending me money, because I'm old enough to get a job and fend for myself and pay my own bills.

After the conversation, i ask her what it was about and she told me pretty much what her BF had texted me. That she was sick of having to pay my bills and that I should get off my ass and find a job. She also said that i should be ashamed of myself for asking for money off my parents. And then she went on to say how our parents say that they support us, but they really just support me.

I was infuriated. Seriously, does it look like i take this money and go and spend it recklessly on useless shit? HELL FUCKING NO!!! Any money that i get sent to me by mum and dad are used to pay for OUR FUCKING BILLS! I pay for the electricty. I pay for the internet. I pay for the fucking phone. HECK EVEN YOUR FUCKING MOBILE PHONE IS PAID FOR OUT OF THE MONEY I GET!! So don't you fucking go saying that they don't support you. And don't you dare imply that I spend this money on myself! Because I don't!!

You know, that's what parents are for. You only have 2 of them, and thats what they are for. To support their kids until they are able to stand on their own two feet and start their own lives. When I'm in need, no matter how embarrassing it may be, I'll ask them to help me out. I don't know what my sister's problem is. It's not my fault she decided to be independent. It's not my fault she decided to take her first few steps before she could stand properly. And now when times are tough, she blames my parents for not supporting her. NEWSFLASH. Get off your fucking high horse and if you need some financial help, ask for it! Don't go talking shit. Its your own fault you feel that way. You felt you were too good to be getting financial help off mummy and daddy. And now you blame them for not supporting you. Boo hoo! Grow up!

She says i should be ashamed of asking for handouts off mum and dad. Should i Be? Like fuck! - i never claimed to be independent like she did! I've always maintained that until i graduate and get my own full time job that i'd still be dependent on my parents.

Should i be ashamed of asking for money? I thought that was part of the deal, since whenever I'm back home, i spend every waking hour i have working on the farm with them UNPAID!. I've had to sacrifice so much! Since highschool ended 5 years ago, ever since i moved down here, I've only ever seen my school friends like 3 times. WHY? BEcause EVERY fucking time im at home im working. WORKING!!! Thats fucking why. I have no fucking friends because I'm always working to support my fucking family. So that they can fucking support me.

In the time I've been down here, which is like 5 years at the end of this year, my sister has only flown home like 3 or 4 times. I have to fly home every holiday i have. AND WORK!!

SO if you think that i should be ashamed, fucking pull your finger out and smell the roses!!

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With that said though, I do respect my sister for what she's doing. She works a part time job in order to pay our rent. I understand where she and her bf are coming from.

And i have been looking for a job. Anywhere but fast food. And i've specifically told them that. They both know that i'd do anything BUT fast food.

I just don't like how my sister has been treating me and belittling me. When she says something its like she's ordering me to do something. It comes across that way. I hate being told what to do, when I already know what i should be doing, and am doing what they are telling me to do. When that happens, i just ignore them, and stop doing what they want me to do. I dont' know why. Maybe I'm stubborn. Maybe its just a coping mechanism. In my head i just think "leave me the fuck alone already. i know what i have to do. and i won't do it until you go away!".

So thats my sad depressing life so far.

And now i really have to find myself a job.
You know, if worse comes to worse, i might have to start accepting cash for sex offers from manhunt or something. yeah call me a whore.

Lets just hope it doesn't have to come to that.