How to Arrange Everything inside a Big Closet?
8 years ago
So...as it stands at the moment, i don't think that my life has gotten any clearer or meaningful. Reflecting on my situation I just know for sure that sooner or later my life is going to come to a screeching halt, and I'm not going to know what to do about it. Things haven't gotten any less confusing. I don't know what to do.
There's an overwhelming sense that nothing I see, hear, sense nor touch is real. I can't shake it off. The more I try to think about things, the fuzzier it gets, and it always seems to come to the conclusion that everythign is an illusion. Its getting to the stage now that I am so apathetic to everything, because I feel so strongly inside that I'm really living in a dream world. I have no real emotions. I dont know what true happiness is, and on the same token, I dont think i know what true sadness is either.
I'm increasingly annoyed by little things. I feel so needy, and selfish. It hurts inside to know that I am such a greedy person, and all I ever think about is myself. I write about how i feel all the time, but the truth is, i dont know how i feel. I dont understand myself, nor the world around it. My lack of knowledge and understanding about how i work, and how the world works makes me want to just dissappear. I feel so insignificant. I feel so defeated.
The whole 'coming out' to Charlie thing felt as if it never happened. Technically it didnt really happen because i never 'came out' to him. I just told him that i was questioning myself. And the truth is, even though that may have been the best moment to have ever told him, I was still hesitant to give him any clear answer. I didn't tell him i was gay. I didn't tell him i was straight. I didn't tell him i was bi. I simply said i was questioning myself.
Its not fair... I haven't gotten over EV telling people that i was 'openly gay'. Its not fair because I wasn't given an opportunity to realise myself before anyone else knew. Its not fair that everyone else will know that im 'gay' before i know myself. Its not fair that an image of me has been painted before anyone actually knows what I truly look like. I know its not her fault, but its really really hurting me inside. You might call it a petty issue and that I'm making too much of a big deal out of it, but i really can't stop how i feel about this issue.
Sooner or later my life will come to a halt. I can't sit on the fence for the rest of my life. My indecisiveness will probably be the end of me. Im slowly driving myself insane.
So...getting to know me (40 things about me - i stole this from Ron's blog)
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1. Name? (screen name is fine)
EmptySpaces (Blogger Alias)
Dan (One of a few names that i've called myself in my blog)
2. Are you a boy or girl?
Male
3. How old are you?
22, turning 23 at the end of the year
4. Are you straight, gay, bi or unsure
To be honest i dont know. A bit of everything. This is what is making me crazy. Not knowing what i am or what i want.
5. Whats your favorite color?
I have a natural prefernce for green, but i like all colours.
6. Whats your favorite food?
I dont have one specific favourite. I like change and i like trying new things.
7. If you could choose only one type of food for the rest of you life, what type would it be? (ex. Italian, Chinese, French)
Anything with meat.
8. How tall are you?
165cm. Ever since I was a kid, I've always been the shortest in pretty much anything i've been a part of - primary school, highschool, sports teams etc. I've always felt so insignificant because of it, and I know it doesn't really matter much, but it really has effected my self-confidence. I have body image issues.
9. Hair color?
Black.
10. Whats your favorite movie?
It depends on my mood. Can't really name one atm.
11. Favorite book?
I used to read a lot when i was younger. I mean, i used to read the "Readers Digest" when i was 7. I stopped reading a long time ago. I dont know why. Honestly i dont read books enough to have a favourite. Its sad.
12. Favorite TV show?
Supernatural season 1. Got a few others, but I really liked this series.
13. What are your hobbies?
Doing something. I've always been interested in how things work and just general design and stuff. One time i built a working water pump out of an old tyre tube, PVC pipe, broken broom handle, some sticky tape and a coke bottle. I kind of like everythign, even though im not really good at anythign in particular. I LOVE cars though.
14. What is the #1 thing that grosses you out?
Bugs,insects, reptiles and frogs creep me out. I guess im grossed out by general disgusting stuff.
15. Are you a virgin?
No. Sometimes I wish i was.
16. If no, how far have you gone? (both with boys and girls)
Everything with guys. Nothign with a girl.
17. Are you athletic? What sports?
No. I've always been bad at sports. I've also got smaller than average lungs for my bodysize, which coupled with asthma makes me super bad at anything physical. I do like swimming and tennis. And i wish i was good at soccer and cricket.
18. For guys: How big are you? (you know what I mean... lol) Are you cut or uncut?
I feel inadequate. I know its genetics, but it makes me unhappy sometimes - again body image issues. Im uncut.
19. For girls: Whats your bra size?
20. Are you happy with your size?
as above in question 18
21. Do you like, tolerate or get disgusted when you see an attractive person of the opposite sex?
Im not disgusted at all. I think i get turned on by person in general and not by the gender
22. What do you want to do with your life?
I want to belong.
23. Do you masturbate? how many times a day?
Yeah. Probably too much. I call it procrastibation.
24. Do you have a "special" toy? (again you all know what I mean... lol)
no
25. Have you ever broken a bone or had another serious injury or sickness? Explain.
I had a head injury when i was 6 which knocked me unconscious for a period of time i do not know. I still have the scar on my head.
26. What do you think is your most attractive feature?
I dont think anything about me is attractive.
27. What do you think is your least attractive feature?
Everything
28. If there is one thing in your life you could change, what would that be?
There are so many things i would have liked to change. Things like simple decisions that i made in the past, things that i've done. If I had the choice, i wish i had never been born.
29. Are you in a relationship? explain a little (boy, girl, short term, long term, etc)
Never been in one before. I feel so lonely.
30. When was the last time you got some sexual action? (of any type)
With another person, a while ago. With myself? less than a while ago.
31. Mac or PC?
Head says PC, Heart says Mac
32. Iphone, Blackberry, other PDA, or regular cell phone?
Just a normal phone. Touch screen though, but nothign fancy.
33. Do you have any pets? Which ones?
Im not really an animal person. They creep me out.
I do like fish though. It reminds me of my own life.
34. For gay and bi guys: Are you a top or bottom?
Never really tried topping before.
35. Whats the one thing in your life you are most proud of?
Nothing comes to mind.
36. Where is the weirdest place you masturbated or had sex?
At a park
37. Most number of times you came in a day?
4 or 5 times. can't remember
38. What are you most afraid of?
Being alone.
39. Favorite porn star?
Dont really have one, but i like seeing behind the scenes stuff. It helps to remind me that there is a real person behind the body we see on the screen.
40. Do you have a blog? What is it?
Yes.
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Sometimes I want to get hit by a car or a bus or something. Or just suddenly stop breathing. Or not wake up. Im not suicidal.
I just crave attention. I just want to feel like someone actually cares about me. I just want this all to end.
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I have so much to say but my head is so scrambled i just dont know how to convey my thoughts or feelings.
Im still not talking to her. For more than 5 years this little secret of mine has been inside me, clawing away at me, draining any ounce of life i have. This darkness inside me i keep it repressed and drown it out using any means i can. Doing anything i can that takes my mind off it. For more than 5 years its eaten away at me. Yet its amusing how she can just pass it on to others as if it were common knowledge. Its unbelievable. I dont think i can forgive her. She hasnt done anything wrong. But i can't stand to see her face, hear her voice or even comprehend anything she says to me anymore. And it kills me inside knowing that she doesn't know what shes done, and why I'm struggling so much to keep her a part of my life. She never gave me a chance. She's taken away my choice. It doesn't matter what i say or do. Because its already out there. Who i am and what im supposed to be.
Sometimes i just imagine that im no longer. Everything i see, everyone i know. Vanish into empty space. Because everyone will always be alone. None of this matters. Nothing matters. It makes me feel good when I imagine that there is nothing else. Not even me.
i can't bring myself to talk to her.
i want to hold haydens hands. i want to hold him. if only for a while.
Charlie, my sister and myself were going out to dinner, and we somehow stopped by a fancy looking restaurant. One we knew we were never going to be able to afford. We never had any intentions to go there, but we were waiting outside for some reason. The waiter greeted us out at the door and tried to usher us in. I told him we were alright. He asked if he could at least offer us something. So i asked for some water. He asked if i'd like some ice. I said no, just water.
Unlike other dreams, i couldn't remember the dialogue at all. It was like i just sat back and watched everything happened in MUTE. The waiter came back, and dropped a tub of water on the floor and walked away. I knew this waiter, he was a guy I had hooked up with a long while back. Something happened and my sister got upset. Charlie was aggrevated and got up and confronted the waiter. A brawl broke out. I couldn't understand anythign taht was going on. I walked up and asked a waitress what was going on. She wouldn't tell me. She refused to tell me, until I screamed at her. WHen she spoke to me, i couldn't understand what she was saying. But i picked up the following:
- something about 'ice'
- something about 'chicken'
- 10 newcomers to the establishment every month
- 3 bodies discarded
- a warning that I need to at all cost avoid "Gotham", a big fellow, dresses in black gear and has multiple tatoos.
- something about hosing down
Gotham walked into the restaurant, and the waitress frantically told me i had to go. I grabbed my sister and charlie, and told them we needed to leave immediately. The followed me out but so did the waitress. My sister then accidentally dropped her hand bag, where her wallet ID, and other cards fell out onto the ground. We frantically tried to pick everythign up, and i noticed that the waitress was also helping us, but she kept a few cards and put them in her pocket. I called her out and told her to hand it back over. I told her i'd call the police and tell them EVERYTHING if she didn't comply.
Gotham walked out to see what the commotion was about. Everythign went black. I woke up, trembling and sweating like crazy.
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So.... those thigns that i couldn't understand in the dream, i decided to google them, to see if they had some sort of hidden meaning.
- 'ice' slang for methamphetamines and also a term used to refer to the conspired murder or killing of someone
- 'chicken' another slang term for Methamphetamine
- 10 newcomers to the establishment: the restaurant was actually a cover for a drug operation, with at least 10 new 'customers' every week. Apparently we innocently discovered the operation, by not dining, and asking for 'water' with no 'ice'.
- 3 dead bodies. The waitress was telling me about 3 dead bodies. There were three of us - me, charlie and my sister.
- Gotham: the waitress told me that we had to at all cost avoid gotham. Im assuming Gotham was the drug lord. In reference to DC comics, Gotham was the city that Batman resided in. It is described as: a dark and foreboding metropolis rife with crime, grime, corruption, and a deep-seated sense of urban decay in the parts of the city not rejuvenated post-No Man's Land. Take this description, and describe a person with it, and you get Gotham, the drug lord.
- Hosing down: slang term referring to murder or kill someone in such a manner that the victim is dead or unable to walk away.
- Waitress taking my sisters cards as form of id: she was in on this operation as well, she couldn't let us get away, seeing as we now knew what really went on. She needed some way to find us, and my sisters dropped cards was how they were going to find us.
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Now i ask - what the FUCKING hell is wrong with me? Why am i dreaming up all these crazy things? Ice, chicken, hosing down, ??? I mean, i dont even know what the fuck methamphetamines are!! I'm the most unknowledgeable person when it comes to 'drugs'. I dont know any terms/slang or drug references so how these terms popped into my head i have no idea. There must be a reason why the people in the dream were in the dream. Why wasn't Hayden in this dream? Why was it Charlie and my sister? Why is everyone always out to get me in my dreamscape? Why do i keep dying?
I dont know what goes on in my head. Its like all my dreams are puzzles with hidden messages and clues and loaded with a heap of metaphors. My dreams have no bearing with what happens in reality.
And no, i didn't just watch a crime/drug related movie or tv show.
Yearn for me too, dont keep a heavy heart.
Late at night, I'll still miss you.
Don't you believe?
I'll miss you and only you.
I wanted to tell you, the words are distant, but the love is near.
Miss me a little, don't hide your heart
When you sleep, please long for me if only for just a little while
Remember to treasure, that I still love one that is far
Remember my name, in your heart
Nightfall, full moon, the stars shining bright
Please I ask of you to gaze up to the moon
Each night we have the chance to greet,
The moon is our place to meet
I long for it to be a full moon every night
I miss you every day and every night
Can you hear me? Do you know?
Do you miss me too?
Whenever you hear
Whenever you miss
Please look up to the sky
I will always love you forever more.
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It's not meant to make any sense.
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*massive hug*
Is it possible for dreams to continue? Well apparently.
I wanted to talk to Hayden. I wanted to explain why I did what i did. Why i kissed him. I'd try to talk to him, but he'd keep trying to change the subject or walk away. I kept holding him back, until he agreed to go for a walk with me so I could explain things to him.
I lead him to a quiet street where there wasn't many people around so i could talk to him. I tried to explain how i felt about him, and that i've always felt that way about him. He was a little shocked to learn that I've liked him ever since i first met him. And then i explained why i kissed him. I kept explaining it over and over again. It was strange, and i dont know why, but after a while, it ended up with Hayden explaining and justifying why HE kissed me. Why HE felt the way he did about me. I dont understand.
And then as we were walking, the streets started to flood. The water levels rose so rapidly, as i got stranded on one side of the street, while Hayden was on the other side. He waved at me, and walked away. I called out asking him to help me. Asking him to wait for me. But he never replied. He dissappeared. The flood waters kept rising.
I awoke in a hospital room. My bed levitating on the ground. My entire body paralysed, not being able to move a limb. I tried to call out to someone, but I had no voice. All i could do was move my eyes. I couldn't close them. The bed kept levitating but then it started to rotate around its axis like a wheel. There was a mirror on the side of the wall. The hospital room was empty. but in the reflection of the mirror, there were doctors and nurses trying to treat a dying patient. I couldn't move. i couldn't speak. The bed kept roatating. Until i fell out. I got up and looked in the mirror again. There was nothing but my own reflection.
I can't believe it. Im beginning to have nightmares about Hayden now....
We're alone at my place, and theres noone else here. I can't remember what he was doing but I recall grabbing his arm. He looked at me, and then I just kissed him. A quick peck on the lips. He didn't resist. He just looked at me. I assumed he was ok with it, so i went in for a proper kiss. But this time he pulled away. He told me that we couldnt do this, and we had to go downstairs. He asked me if i remembered. He said he had to go downstairs. I dont know why. I dont remember. Why did he have to go downstairs? What did he tell me earlier? Before he left, he stood there, and let me hug him. It was a long comforting hug. And then he left me. He didn't talk to me. I called out to him. He didn't answer. And then a great sadness fell upon me.
I woke up in tears.
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Theres much bigger problems going on around me. Been helping out with the flood cleanups. But its been incredibly difficult for me to get to sleep the last few days. Im falling into the cycle again. Falling into the spiral of depression. Its like WTF, there are people out there who have lost their homes, lost everything, and lost loved ones. And you're here being all depressed. Get a grip on yourself!!!!
Since the coming out....I haven't communicated with EV. I dont know how i feel about her anymore. I dont want to answer anythign that she says to me. But at the same time, its also killing me that she doesnt know why im not talking to her, or what she's done.
The unmistakable rumble of the helicopters flying above me makes me shiver. The intense light emanating from their spot lights i must avoid. They're out to get me. I mustn't be seen nor heard. I can put my trust in nobody.
The room I'm in gives me the sense that theres celebrations about to unfold. Christmas tinsel hangs from the ceiling, and embellish the rather drab grey walls. The irony is that theres a banner acroos the room that says "happy birthday" and there's a large cake, sitting in the middle of a table in the centre of the room. It could be someones birthday, it could be christmas day. It could be both. It could be neither. For all i know, this world isn't real. My friends are gathered around me, to celebrate this special occassion with me. There is an eery silence, as we all sit in the room motionless and quiet. Zombie-like.
I can't hear what my friends are thinking. But i can communicate with them through thoughts. At first its one way communication. Until they hear what im communicating. It is only then that two way dialogue is possible. I can only communicate to those, who are willing to hear me first. Otherwise my thoughts fall upon closed minds. A christmas bon-bon floats from one side of the room to the other. It floats, because my mind says it can. If i believe it can, it will. I must not succumb to doubt.
Beside a fountain lays a young man, deeply disturbed and clearly upset. The soft sound of gently cascading water fills the eery silence that was once present. He weeps. Tears of blood, tears of sorrow. His body disintegrates as he weeps into nothing more than fragments of broken pottery, in the palm of my hands, covered in blood.
On the bus im sitting, with nearly every seat occupied. I'm in awe of the energy of the mind and the energy of thought itself. On this bus, I can feel the energy radiating. I can't hear what people are thinking. But i can talk to them through thought. If their mind believes, if they hear me, I am then able to hear them too. Those with doubtful minds I cannot connect with.
"Don't be afraid, I wont hurt you"
"Who are you, and what do you want with me? Why can I hear you? Where are you?"
"Who I am, and why you can hear me are of no importance. Your acceptance and belief is all that matters. You must help me. We must go.. THEY are coming"
"How am I to help you? Where are you? Please show yourself!"
"Turn around and look behind you"
The young lady turns around and glances at me, and i nod back to her in confirmation.
"Listen, you must disguise me. Do not try to fight me. I wont hurt you"
"What do you mean? How am i to disguise you? What will you do to me?"
"You will see"
"Whats happening to me? I can't control my body anymore. What are you doing? Please don't hurt me. Where have you gone?"
"Don't be alarmed. You will be safe. You can't control your body anymore, because I am now controlling you. My mind has become your conscience, and yours has now been pushed back to the subconscience region. I cannot feel what you feel, but i can see what you see and control what you do. Right now, doubt is your biggest danger"
"You're hijacking my body. What are you going to do to me? Where have you gone?"
"In a way i guess you could say that. You need to help me. You're body is my disguise. My body that you once saw, is now a figment of your imagination. If you believe that I'm not there anymore, then I am no longer there. I am here. Inside with you."
"How will I help you?"
"We must be as one. You must believe that we can be as one. Our thoughts must synchronise and merge into one. Otherwise the doubt that your mind pocesses may drive me out like a virus, and put you into grave danger. We must be united as a single mindset."
As we merge, there is no longer dialogue, as there are no longer two separate mindsets communicating with each other. What she sees, i see. What she feels, i now feel. We must get away from THEM. The light from the helicopters MUST NOT be upon us. She walks through a dark street. A helicopter flies over, and she is engulfed in light. For a few seconds we lose sychronisation and her vision to me becomes blurry.
"You are in grave danger if they see me. You mustn't be doubtful. We need to be in unity again"
"The light. there is somethin so sinister about it."
"It is sinister, only if you believe it is. We must be as one again. Rid your mind of doubt."
Alarms sound and just as the helicopter is about to open fire, we are again as one. The alarms stop and the helicopter moves on.
We are now in what looks to be an abandoned warehouse. It is infact, not abandoned at all, but fully operational. There are open circular saws everywhere. Those who dont obey THEIR will, are sent to the saws.
Alarms start sounding again. I find myself standing beside her. "What have you done?" I called out to her. "Im so sorry. I can't do this anymore" she replied as she runs off. THEY are coming for me. Hundreds of them, are coming for me. I am backed into a corner. There are several saws behind me. I am done for. I am inches from the saw, and THEY push me closer and closer. "I'm so sorry. Please have faith in me again" I hear.
My vision blurs and as i regain sight, I see what she sees. As one we move away from warehouse. In a dark alley way, again she leaves me. "Im sorry. Be safe" she tells me before she dissappears into the darkness. I keep walking.
The landscape is so urban yet so desolate. The people around are mindless, succumbing to THEIR will. I walk into a garage, where behind a car, is a mechanic. His mind is closed. He chooses not to hear me. Theres nothign i can do. THEY have him. He asks me if I require help. He said he will be back to assist me. Out of the garage he walks, and suddenly as a helicopter flies over, he signals them. Alarms sound and the light from the helicopter lights up the garage. The helicopter opens fire, the car in front of me is engulfed in flames. The image in front of me begins to blur, and I am pulled to a different location. What she sees, is what i see.
It seems SHE is able to manipulate her mind at will. Control what she believes and what she wants to believe as real. Her mind is now at war with doubt. The real danger is only about to start.
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@Biki
Don't stress out about me. I'm safe and well. Im using wireless internet atm because our cable internet is down due to the flooding. Will talk to you soon. Stay safe.
Last night.....I came out to a friend from highschool. His names Charlie.
I was put on the spot. I didnt' know what to do. I didnt know what to say.
So conversation pretty much went like "Charlie: Hi, Me: Hey hows it going, Charlie: Yeah pretty good. Look we need to have a serious talk, because I will be quite upset if what im going to confirm with you is true or not."
From just that sentence my heart skipped a beat. I KNEW already what he was going to ask me. How did he know? Why did he know? And what would he think?
Charlie: I'll be upset, not if its true or not, but because you felt you couldn't tell me, thinking that i would mind, when in fact i would be happy for you. Now tell me the truth, because my sister tells me something that I should have heard first hand and been happy for you. Forgive the bluntness and dont take this the wrong way if its not true, but she tells me that you admit to being openly gay and if its true, then im happy for you and a little disappointed that you didnt tell me first hand and suprised. Suprised because I really didn't see it coming.
At this point, I have mixed emotions. I dont know whether I should be glad that as a friend, he fully supported me, and did not judge me for who i am, or whether i should be fearful, or angry, annoyed.
I reacted in a defensive manner. I didn't answer his question. Instead i interrogated him on his source of information. Turns out that he heard from his sister, which heard from the sister of a friend, EV, who apparently got the information from EV herself.
At NO stage watsoever, have i EVER mentioned or told EV about myself. So it came to me as a complete shock.
Me: Charlie, you do realise that you're putting me on the spot atm. I mean, its like I could tell you either way right now, but the thing is, you've already heard the second hand information from people to whom i've apparently 'openly admitted' to. So does it matter at all what i tell you now?
Charlie: I could dance around it, but then I dont want to make it into a big deal when its not that big of a deal to me. well if one person had just told me I wouldnt give it any credit, but when apparently and supposedly its info passed down a chain as fact, I take it with a bit more salt. but if its not true, then I will believe you, and you have my word.
Me:ok well... tell me something. what kind of a friend do you see me as?
Charlie: A dear old friend
Me: And as a dear old friend, you would know that anything you tell me that you would wish to remain as confidential, and only for me to know of,... you know that i would never breach that trust?
Charlie:
yes I would. I would entrust that our almost decade of friendship would ensure that
Me: Well apparently friendship doesn't necessarily mean trust. As i've jsut found out.
Me: i've known you for like 10 years. and you're probably the closest friend i have from highschool, so i want to ask you of something
Charlie:
ask away old friend
Me: whatever is said in this conversation, do you give me your word that you'll keep between just you and me
Charlie:
on the 10 years of friendship you have my word
may they all be for naught and ash if I do otherwise
Me: firstly, i want to apologise. im so sorry. im not sorry that i didnt' say or tell you, but sorry that you had to hear it from these other people. truth is, i had never admitted to being 'openly gay' and right now, im in shock, and disbelief, that something i had told someone a long time ago, in confidence that he'd keep it confidential, has obviously been leaked, and now it has become some form of stupid game of chinese whispers. to be brutally blunt - i dont know what to tell you. i guess i'll say im 'questioning' myself
Charlie:
bi curious?
Me: well i guess you could say that
Charlie:
well ok then im glad its out in the open between us
Me:
i never told you, because i haven't even been able to accept it in myself yet. So you can imagine how i feel about telling other people when i can't even tell myself.
its not because i didnt want to tell you, believe me
Charlie:
I would have thought you would trust me to be ok with it regardless if you yourself werent. I know I call things gay and make "gay" refrences, but its a word ingrained to mean "stupid" or "dumb", more than to mean homosexuality and does not reflect my true feelings on the subject, which is one of total indifference and acceptance
If you are a bi curious, than I am fine with that and I can only hope that when you settle on a side, or simply choose the middle, that someone no matter who or what gender they may be, makes you happy. because as your friend, that is my concern as a friend for you: that you are happy
Me: thanks for understanding. i appreciate it greatly, and i am so grateful for your friendship and support
Charlie:
I would expect the same for any of my friends, only right and proper to do the same
and even more so for my oldest friends
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Im not upset that Charlie now knows. Im not upset or regret that i came out to him. What i am upset and confused about is how EV found out, and why she felt that she could so easily share this information with other people. I mean, she has NEVER even tried to talk to me about the issue. I feel so disrespected, and honestly i dont know if i want to talk to her or see her.
EV and I have a long history. A history with major ups and downs. I have HUGE trust issues with her, as a result of something that she did to me in the past. For 2 years, i couldn't stand to look at her, see her or even talk to her. For 2 years i ignored her and tried to cut her out of my life. It took me 2 years to finally come around and be in a position to be able to communicate with her again. I thought since highschool, since we both formed a closer bond since that incident, that i could trust her again. It has taken me almost 7 years to be comfortable being around her again. And now im not so sure anymore.
I dont know where she heard it from, but even if she did hear rumours, i am just so shocked as to why she didn't have the decency to even just ask me about it, before she went and ranted to other people. I just dont understand. This isn't just some little secret that will blow over with the wind. This is a secret that can and probably will affect someone for the rest of their life. So now, my secret, is apparently floating around, making the rounds.
Apart from my blogger friends, there were only 2 people in the entire world, who i actually told in real life. SN, & LS. Back in highschool. More than 5 years ago. I told them i was bi-curious, under confidence that whatever was said to them was confidential and between ONLY me and them. They gave me their word, and promised me.
I dont know if LS told anyone. But I have a feeling that SN may have told a few people. The only way EV could have known is if SN told her. Afterall, they were going out when I told SN my secret. He PROMISED me.
A few weeks back, I received a FB msg from BC, another friend from highschool which i hadn't seen or heard from for a long time. We had a falling out in highschool. He was apparently bi, and apparently i gave mixed messages. When he acted on those messages, i freaked out. He said he didnt want to have anythign to do with me until i could give him an answer. I never did.
This message from BC, asked me how i was doing and whether i had a BF yet, because apparently i was 'thinking [I] was bi and all...' back in highschool. I questioned him about it, since i had never explicitly admitted or told him any such thing.
Again, that message that i got, was a bit of a surprise. I had never told BC. I had never told EV. But how did these people know? Im going to take a stab and say again, SN - a friend who i thought i could trust.
I dont know. Maybe im making a big deal out of the situation. But what if im not? I grew up in a small town. Small enough that everyone knows everyone else, and word spreads like wildfire. If Charlie has heard, then how many other people have heard?
Heck I haven't even had to courage to tell my family yet, so I'd be physically sick, if this game of chinese whispers comes around to my family members.
All the dreams i've had about being outed. All my fears. It feels as if everythign i've been afraid of has begun.
I'm walking on a the road, beside a park, and as i walk past a nearby house, a black poople runs out and starts barking at me. All of a sudden it runs up to me and bites my arm and doesn't let go. It's teeth are sinking into my soft flesh, as i struggle to shake it off. I swing my arms up, lifting the dog off the ground and as I do, the the inertia is enough to detach the dog from myself, ripping flesh off my arms. I run, faster and faster, in a manic attempt to lose the dog that just attacked me. I take a quick glance backwards, and not only is the dog still after me, its gaining ground quick! I alter my course, off the road, and into the park. The park is a large open grassy area, surrounded by a border of trees, with a few odd trees in the centre of the field. With every stride I take, and the closer i get towards the trees in the centre, they blur and become a shadowy mass. The silhouette of the trees suddenly morph into creatures, which start to chase me, as I run past. The first tree morphs from a shadow into the prehistoric dinosaur, tyrannosaurus. The second tree into a pteradactyl while the third tree forms a plesiosaur, in which the ground it formed upon became liquid. The pteradactyl swoops at me from above, with the intention to irradicate me, while the tyrannosaurus follows close behind wanting to make a meal out of me. The plesiosaur is also after me, and as it gets closer, the ground beneath my feet liquifies. All the while, the little black poodle still has its sights set on my arm.
The only course of action available to me is to run for dear life, and as I do, i develop the ability to fly, and perch myself up onto a branch of a large tree on the edge of the park. The branch that im perched on suddenly groands and creaks, and then without warning, snaps, plunging downwards towards the ground which has now turned into a black hole. The sound of breaking wood pierces my ear drums. As i fall, i notice all the other branches of the tree snapping off, and as they fall, they morph into small boulders, ready to crush my soul as soon as we hit something solid. During the free fall, I manage to rock hop between the boulders until all of a sudden the boulders formed a staircase. I follow the staircase upwards, for what seems like an eternity until I get to the top, where I am greeted by a man and a woman. They tell me to come quickly, as they lead me to a room. there are large glass windows on 3 sides of the room. The woman tells me this is were she'll leave me. I thank her, and watch her walk out the room, and down the corridor towards the stairs. As i turn back, i notice that the man no longer has any clothes on. "But you have a wife..." I explain to him. I look around the room and the door which I had once came through, has now dissappeared. "We had better make it quick then" replied the man. With no way out, I walk towards the window. To my surprise, the window is not made of glass, but of liquid, and as i pass through the window, my surroundings change, and I find I am in a aircraft hangar.
I run outside only to find that I'm in a military base, with fighter jets flying above me. As quickly as the jets came, they dissappeared and in there place came pieces of shrapnel falling out of the sky. I scramble for cover, only to find the aircraft hangar that i just came out of has dissappeared. Out of sheer desperation, i run along the length of the runway, dodging any incoming shrapnel. At the end of the runway, is a path. A sandy path that looks like it could lead to a beach. But on either side of the narrow path is a razor sharp barbed wire fence. I notice some people walking towards me, so as they approached, i warned them "be cautious of the barbed wire fence. It looks rather sharp". They look at me with confusion, and as they try to pass me, they inadvertantly push me into the barbed wire fence to my right. I look down at my bleeding arm, and I notice that the time on my watch reads "PEAK:HOUR".
Hundreds upon hundreds of people fill up the path, and as they attempt to get pass me, I'm pushed along the fence. "Remember, the barbed wire fence is razor sharp!" I tell the people. My reminder fell on death ears as the people pass me by. The girls who pass by me appear to be topless. It made me question whether they are topless just because they're topless or whether it was because they weren't human. Up ahead of me, an ipod and a textbook lay on top of a fence post. The textbook has the name "Ryan Alman" inscribed on the front. I ask the people whether the ipod belonged to anyone. From a distance, a guy waves his arm in the air, and then points to the guy beside him. "That's not a very smart place to leave your pocessions. Someone could have taken it. I suggest you leave your belongings in a locker" I scold him. The path leads uphill. As i get to the crest, the flow of traffick suddenly comes to a
hault. The earth rumbles below me, and the ground beneath my feet breaks apart. The sound of hundreds of screaming people bellow in my ears, as we fall. We fall. Onto a wooden floor we land. "Attention ladies and gentlemen, please prepare yourselves for the next fall" a voice announces. The floorboards below us creak and groan, until they eventually give way and we fall again. Like a collapsing building, we fall through the levels of a building until eventually we reach the basement floor. There is not a sound. I brush myself off, stand up, and try to take a breath. "Congratulations" a voice announces.
"As compensation for your suffering, you may choose one of the following, provided you sign this non-disclosure agreement". In the middle of the room, is a large square table. On top of that table sits a bay marie hot food box, with an old microwave, and some other kitchen appliances. Behind the bay marie is a skinny old man with a smirk on his face. "So, which shall it be?" he questions. "Surely not any of those" i reply. "If you so wish, i shall go and fetch it for you" and with that the old man hobbled away. In the corner of the room stands a cleaner. He does not say a word. Through the steel gate at the back of the room, a man walks in. "Quick, take these keys. Theres a car down in the car park. Take that. Go to the address I'm about to tell you" he says. I take the keys off him, and run downstairs, and sure enough like he said there was a car. I opened up the car, and just as im about to get in, i notice a bear trap in the footwell near the pedals. I drop the keys and run. Away from the house, and into the crowded streets of the Central Business Disctrict. "You shouldn't have done that" a voice booms. The people in the street stop immediately, and turn and look at me. For only a few seconds. And then they continue on their way. "Please, help me" i beg of them, "take me to the train station. I need to get away." The people stop again, and stare like mindless zombies. Again the continue on their way. The streets start to flood.
The water engulfs the cars along the street until they can be seen no more. The people on the street tell me to come. But i know better than to listen to them. Because by giving in to them, i am surrendering myself to lies, deceit and certain death. I can trust NOBODY. I flee from the scene. Into an abondoned building where i will be safe from THEM. A few moments i spend in the darkness by myself. Until light filled the room. And beside me stood three people claiming to be friends. They said they would help. They promised me that they weren't one of THEM. And i believed. Right up until one of them turned into a clay figure, the other died in front of me, while the last became violently ill and began to vomit heavily. The trickery, the cunningness and darkness that is inherent in THEM. I couldn't take anymore of it. I wanted to end it all.
To the swollen river i fled, and off the highest bank, into the fastest rapids of the deepest water, I jumped. And behind me, in boats, THEY came. For several moments I had believed i had ended it all.
The river suddenly became dry until it was nothing more than a little trickle of water. Mother stood behind me. She told me I must come. Inside a train we sat, where she confided in me that she wasn't one of THEM. We were to go to the Castle, where the MASTER PLAN shall be revealed. I took out my camera, to take pictures of the view, and through my viewfinder, mother could not be seen. Instead, in front of me, through the viewfinder, was a skinny old man. "This is what you have chosen" he told me. I put my camera down. "Everything will be alright" mother says to me.
When i awake, I find myself in a white room. In the room is a small table, and around the table are 4 or 5 very short men. They told me to take shots with them. So i did. However the shot glasses had blood in them. And unlike me, they drank the shots from the bottom of the glass. How is that possible i thought to myself. The room started to shrink around me, and the people around me got shorter and shorter. And then there was darkness...
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