Empty Spaces

Im still not talking to her. For more than 5 years this little secret of mine has been inside me, clawing away at me, draining any ounce of life i have. This darkness inside me i keep it repressed and drown it out using any means i can. Doing anything i can that takes my mind off it. For more than 5 years its eaten away at me. Yet its amusing how she can just pass it on to others as if it were common knowledge. Its unbelievable. I dont think i can forgive her. She hasnt done anything wrong. But i can't stand to see her face, hear her voice or even comprehend anything she says to me anymore. And it kills me inside knowing that she doesn't know what shes done, and why I'm struggling so much to keep her a part of my life. She never gave me a chance. She's taken away my choice. It doesn't matter what i say or do. Because its already out there. Who i am and what im supposed to be.

Sometimes i just imagine that im no longer. Everything i see, everyone i know. Vanish into empty space. Because everyone will always be alone. None of this matters. Nothing matters. It makes me feel good when I imagine that there is nothing else. Not even me.

i can't bring myself to talk to her.

i want to hold haydens hands. i want to hold him. if only for a while.