Empty Spaces

After a while they start to burn......

I miss him so much. I wish i could be with him again and just never ever wake up.

I just wanted to say hi :-) Sorry i haven't really been replying to comments. I should really try a bit harder.

So the last couple of weeks have been really good. I got to go home and see my parents and my siblings. Honestly even though i didnt really do anything, it was probably the happiest i've been for a while. You know the feeling, where nothing else really matters, and you just get to enjoy life without having to worry about anything else. Not having to worry about work. Not having to worry about uni. Not having to worry about friends or what other people think. I got to be with the people who really matter to me. My family.

But then it got me thinking. Why was i so happy? Im not really sure how to explain it, but its like im living double lives. When im with my parents, nothing else matters. I feel like i live in my own little bubble world. Just mum and dad and i. The two most important people in my life. Its like i didnt need anyone else or anything else. I'd block out every other externality, and the only thing that mattered was the interactions between ourselves. I felt totally secure. It was like a completely controlled environment. Sure, while the feeling was good, i began wondering whether this was healthy. I can't live in isolation from everything and everyone else.

Which brings me to my other 'life'. The external life. Life in the real world. Where i must deal with consequences of my actions, interact with people other than myself and my family, and face the uncertain and volatile environment around me. In this world, i have very little control over what happens. I think its this aspect of 'control' that scares me. Im unable to determine what will happen to me. Im afraid of not fitting in. I try to avoid confrontation and conflict, and i try to just blend in. Im afraid of what others will think of me. This is the real world. Not an isolated bubble world from before. The world in which my parents and family dont exist. The world in which i must forge myself in, in order to survive.

And its just too much for me. I dont think i can handle the real world.

I have absolutely no idea whether anything i've said actualy made any sense at all.

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I need to make another appointment with my counsellor. I made a second appointment a few weeks ago but she was sick and couldn't make it. So as it stands, i've only been to that first initial session. Hopefully next time, we'll make some progress and maybe i'll be able to let her in on my secret and why its eating away at me.

Charlie, my sister and myself were going out to dinner, and we somehow stopped by a fancy looking restaurant. One we knew we were never going to be able to afford. We never had any intentions to go there, but we were waiting outside for some reason. The waiter greeted us out at the door and tried to usher us in. I told him we were alright. He asked if he could at least offer us something. So i asked for some water. He asked if i'd like some ice. I said no, just water.

Unlike other dreams, i couldn't remember the dialogue at all. It was like i just sat back and watched everything happened in MUTE. The waiter came back, and dropped a tub of water on the floor and walked away. I knew this waiter, he was a guy I had hooked up with a long while back. Something happened and my sister got upset. Charlie was aggrevated and got up and confronted the waiter. A brawl broke out. I couldn't understand anythign taht was going on. I walked up and asked a waitress what was going on. She wouldn't tell me. She refused to tell me, until I screamed at her. WHen she spoke to me, i couldn't understand what she was saying. But i picked up the following:

- something about 'ice'
- something about 'chicken'
- 10 newcomers to the establishment every month
- 3 bodies discarded
- a warning that I need to at all cost avoid "Gotham", a big fellow, dresses in black gear and has multiple tatoos.
- something about hosing down

Gotham walked into the restaurant, and the waitress frantically told me i had to go. I grabbed my sister and charlie, and told them we needed to leave immediately. The followed me out but so did the waitress. My sister then accidentally dropped her hand bag, where her wallet ID, and other cards fell out onto the ground. We frantically tried to pick everythign up, and i noticed that the waitress was also helping us, but she kept a few cards and put them in her pocket. I called her out and told her to hand it back over. I told her i'd call the police and tell them EVERYTHING if she didn't comply.

Gotham walked out to see what the commotion was about. Everythign went black. I woke up, trembling and sweating like crazy.

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So.... those thigns that i couldn't understand in the dream, i decided to google them, to see if they had some sort of hidden meaning.

- 'ice' slang for methamphetamines and also a term used to refer to the conspired murder or killing of someone

- 'chicken' another slang term for Methamphetamine

- 10 newcomers to the establishment: the restaurant was actually a cover for a drug operation, with at least 10 new 'customers' every week. Apparently we innocently discovered the operation, by not dining, and asking for 'water' with no 'ice'.

- 3 dead bodies. The waitress was telling me about 3 dead bodies. There were three of us - me, charlie and my sister.

- Gotham: the waitress told me that we had to at all cost avoid gotham. Im assuming Gotham was the drug lord. In reference to DC comics, Gotham was the city that Batman resided in. It is described as: a dark and foreboding metropolis rife with crime, grime, corruption, and a deep-seated sense of urban decay in the parts of the city not rejuvenated post-No Man's Land. Take this description, and describe a person with it, and you get Gotham, the drug lord.

- Hosing down: slang term referring to murder or kill someone in such a manner that the victim is dead or unable to walk away.

- Waitress taking my sisters cards as form of id: she was in on this operation as well, she couldn't let us get away, seeing as we now knew what really went on. She needed some way to find us, and my sisters dropped cards was how they were going to find us.

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Now i ask - what the FUCKING hell is wrong with me? Why am i dreaming up all these crazy things? Ice, chicken, hosing down, ??? I mean, i dont even know what the fuck methamphetamines are!! I'm the most unknowledgeable person when it comes to 'drugs'. I dont know any terms/slang or drug references so how these terms popped into my head i have no idea. There must be a reason why the people in the dream were in the dream. Why wasn't Hayden in this dream? Why was it Charlie and my sister? Why is everyone always out to get me in my dreamscape? Why do i keep dying?

I dont know what goes on in my head. Its like all my dreams are puzzles with hidden messages and clues and loaded with a heap of metaphors. My dreams have no bearing with what happens in reality.

And no, i didn't just watch a crime/drug related movie or tv show.

So here I am. Laying in bed, with my laptop. It's 10:32pm right now and many times have I said to myself that I really should start sleeping earlier and getting my sleeping patterns right again, but time after time, I'm left in the same situation. I lay here, in an attempt to doze off into a peaceful slumber, yet in my head, thoughts run rampant, emotions flow and the chemistry in my brain goes into overload. I can't seem to switch it off.

I can't exactly tell you what goes on in my head because there are just way too many things I'd have to describe and a lot of these thoughts come and go or are simply just too complex to try and explain. Whatever is happening in my head isn't really just in my head. The mind and body are one, and can't really be separated. The thoughts in my mind evoke emotions which creates chemistry within my body. Certain thoughts evoke sadness or lack of joy - your body responds to how you act, think or feel. Body responses such as headaches, restlessness, insomnia, hypertension etc. I know that these are the result of poor emotional health.

For the next few days, I'm really trying to keep mentally and emotionally sound. I know I need to be on top of my game because I've got quite a few assessment pieces coming up. However I always seem to have breakdowns in periods that i just can't afford for it to happen. I can't think straight, I can't focus on the task at hand and my mind wanders and brings up anything it can to see me fall. I fall and I can't get back up. I lose any sense of reality and I fall into a dream world. A fantasy world. Where I end up hoping for something better, hoping for a change. Imagining how things would be if I were something different. Everything would play out perfectly and all's well that'll end well. I become a recluse into my dream world and forget about whats going on around me, in the real world - imagining how things would be, and hoping for change. Yet none of these things ever permeate into reality, because I'm too far into my state of illusion to realise the truth that nothing will ever be done, nothing will ever change unless I make it change.

I'm not a believe of fate - that my destiny is pre-written and i'm simply following a path. But in that respect, my destiny is pretty much written, albeit with pieces missing from the puzzle. I'm so far into my fantasy world that I've lost touch with myself. In my mind I've got most of the aspects of my life pre-written in my head. The expectations I have for myself, what my future looks like, what type of person I'll become, the expectations that others have for me. I'm looking down a tunnel, and at the end, I see a projection of my future. The future that I've created for myself. My fantasy world. My eyes focus on nothing but that light at the end of the tunnel, and I lose all peripheral vision - of reality. What's going on around me. The current state. I have lost focus of reality and follow blindly into the illusion that is the end of the tunnel. I forget that without first going through the tunnel that the end will never come. That if i focus my eyes only on the light at the end, I will be blind to whats around me.

But then everything is sunny again. It doesn't matter does it? Why complain when everything is fine? Right? When business is booming, we let little things slide right? Nothing makes any sense but everything is all right. It's only a big deal if we make it a big deal. Suddenly mountains become molehills and the sun radiates its heat and light onto the earth and everything is joyous. As soon as it came though, it can dissappear just as quickly. The shadows pull me back and I'm encased in darkness again, and penetrated by the emptiness. I have a map leading to nowhere and a compass that doesn't point. I see others rise above me. In comparison, I am insignificant. I see those around me clearly. But they soon fade away. I fade away.

When the storm has passed, I look back and see the destruction. Without questioning, I take whats left for granted and convince myself that there was nothing that could have been done. I show my acceptance for the situation. This default mechanism makes sure that guilt or regret is hidden away behind an invisible veil. And I'm left peering back behind me, wondering what could have happened if something had been done.

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I wasn't going to write anything about it, but I'm really left wondering. Yesterday was RiverFire. 30 mintues of non-stop fireworks, along the Brisbane river. It's a big event for most people. I've missed out 2 years in a row. I wanted to go this time.

I found out from someone else that JW, a friend from college was going. But he was going with his 'posse'. I thought he was a pretty good friend, but perhaps i've become invisible. I never got an invite. It wasn't as if the people he was going with were complete strangers. I guess i could say that I'm 'friends' with all of them too - that is to say I know them all. It makes me wonder how much of a friend they see in me if I'm always left out. Same thing happened when we went to see Inception. I'm never told about anything that happens. I feel unwelcome.

During the afternoon, I asked a few other people if they wanted to go, all of which replied with a no. So i asked TN. At first I thought about calling him, but then decided against that and asked over MSN. I was hoping that he'd come out with me, but it was a straight up NO. No excuse or reason either. Just a No. After questioning him jokingly, he answers with 'couldn't be bothered. its too far out'

Feeling a little down at the time, I figured there wasn't any point going anymore especially if its just by myself.

Later on in the night, TN contacts me on MSN telling me how cool RiverFire was. I was puzzled to say the least, as he had told me he wasn't going. Not only did he go, but he had driven pretty much around Brisbane, and stopped off through my suburb as well.

I was so insulted.

Am i really that bad of a person to be with? Is there something inherently wrong with me?

Sometimes when I'm frustrated and angry, I become artificially cheerful and happy, and excessively nice. So for about an hour or so, i chatted to him on MSN pretending to give a damn about what he got up to that night.

I dont even know why i still talk to him. I just cant seem to bring myself around to blocking him. Or anyone for that matter. Since a while back, I don't initiate conversations with him. It's always been him starting up the conversation. But he'd never continue the conversation and I'd have to carry it most of the times. And even then, he'd reply at will.

I dont like to admit it, but secretly i really don't have any friends. I live a pretty joy-less life and not really having anyone makes things worse. I know quite a few people, but i don't have anything in common with anyone it seems and I always have a sense of being the third wheel and not belonging.

I guess my constant ups and downs usually revolve around this issue and my longing to have someone i can connect with.

I come to this blog whenever I feel alone. It sort of keeps me sane, but after a while its like talking to a rock. It can never really talk back.

I've also contemplated shutting it down, because I don't think it's really working out the way I wanted it to. I feel as if by keeping it up, it's very existence causes me to not deal with my issues, but divert them here instead. It's like i'm running away from the real world to this internet world. I'm not really sure what i should really do though.

It's been an hour and a half since i started writing this. This post was like a rollercoaster ride. Ups and downs and all sorts of emotions. I guess my blog has sort of fulfilled one of its objectives - for me to be able to brain dump. And seeing as i've done that, i might go and try to get some sleep. At least now i wont have so much running through my mind.