Empty Spaces

no not really.

Havent been on here for a while. For many reasons. For none at all. Partly because coming on here means that more often than not i will have a problem or an issue. I dont want to have a problem or an issue so i stopped coming here hoping that said problem or issue will just dissappear. And if it doesn't dissappear, i'll just pretend that i never had a problem or issue in the first place. Because if i just hide it inside and pretend it doesnt exist, then it doesnt exist right?

A lot of things have happened since the last time i wrote a proper post. Many things have changed. Some for the better some for the worse. The things around me have changed and my circumstances have changed. Yet the feeling within me is more or less the same. The void and the darkness is still there.

This existence still feels empty and pointless. I try too hard to find meaning in my life. What if life doesn't actually have a meaning at all?

So...
1) Graduated
2) Meltdown
3) Lost
4) Relocated
5) Disconnected
6) Reconnected
7) Confusion
8) Frustration
9) Depression

Thats life so far.




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Light1

I've got an exam in 3 hours. I really don't know how im going to go because well i haven't really been in the right frame of mind to be able to study. I went through my notes and I have a vague idea of what im supposed to know. Hopefully its sufficient to at least get a pass.

And then after my exam? I sort out my life.

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I had another dream.

I was in a swimming pool, when all of a sudden, the jets turned on and the pool was bubbling furiously until it started overflowing. Out of nowhere a large green python floated out of the water. And as i tried to avoid it, hundreds of other snakes appeared out of a bush beside the pool. I got out of the pool and i ran and ran towards the house with these serpents as well as other rodents coming after me. When i got into the house, i quickly realised that the doors didn't close properly, leaving large gaps big enough for the snakes and rodents to come through. I tried pulling on the doors to close them but the screws on the hinges all came undone. I went into the kitchen to get something to eat. As i was eating, it felt like the plate of food i had in my hands never got any smaller. No matter how much i ate, the content on the plate remained the same.

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Wish me luck for the exam. I know i'll need it.

Its one of those nights again, where I'm physically exhausted yet as much as i try, I just can't get to sleep. I wasnt going to post this but I just really need to get it out of my system.

Im going to warn you all first, because this post and perhaps the next few posts I write are going to be extremely personal and might be quite explicit. I haven't told anyone in person before, and the few that I've talked to online, I have told versions of the truth, but never the real truth, because of the nature of it, and the fact that I tried to bury it so deep within myself, that Im afraid of digging it up again and having to face it. The things im going to write, I'm afraid of. Im embarrassed, ashamed and I feel immense guilt about it. I feel so degraded and humiliated at what i've done.

I also want to apologize to the few people who i've told parts of the truth. You know who you are. Im really sorry for in a sense, lying to you. I feel terrible that I've lied about these things, and lead you to believe another version of reality about myself but i really hope you'll be able to understand why I didn't tell the truth. This is my confession. My coming clean. Dispelling the demons within me.

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As much as i dont want to admit to it, I'm depressed. I've suffered from depression for a long time now. If i had to put a date to it, I would say that it all started back my last two years of highschool, around 2004/2005. There would be times when I would just feel really bad, and cry myself to sleep. It was just a lot of things that contributed, but at the time, I didnt really think too much of it all, and I certainly would not have admitted to being 'depressed'. With that said I might leave this for another post, and I'll move on to talking about something that is a bit more current.

I moved away from home the year immediately after i graduated from highschool, to study at university. It was a HUGE deal for me, as it would be the first time that I would be so far away from my family for such a long time. At the time, i was so scared. None of my friends were moving down with me so I had no friends and i had no family down here eitehr. I was pretty much alone. My sister had also moved down a month before me, but she had found a place to live with a highschool friend of hers. I got accepted into a residential college (on-campus accomodation) and so that was where i would spend the first two years of my uni life.

I had always been really sheltered as a kid, so I was really socially awkward. I found it extremely difficult to socialise with people, and I found it hard to make friends. The first few weeks were really difficult for me because I didnt really know anyone and during those few weeks I used to feel so alone that I'd leave and spend the nights at my sisters place. Fortunately i found out that someone else who i went to highschool with, (but wasn't a close friend of mine) had also moved down and was staying at the same residential college, so I started hanging around with her. And it was through her that I met the people I did. So in a sense, she made friends with the other people, and I became friends with her friends. Those first two years living at college only then got better from then on. I did things that I had never gotten to do before, met people I never thought I'd ever get to meet, and generally just do the things i would never have been able to do if i was still at home. It was also at college that I started to question my sexuality. It was at college that I watched my first gay porn video - just out of curiousity, in the privacy of my own room - something i never had while i was at home. I really did think it was just a phase and that I'd grow out of it. Everytime i would watch something involving two guys, I would feel so guilty afterwards. I hated the fact that I didn't get turned off. I kept telling myself it wasn't normal, and that i needed to stop what i was doing. It was only a phase that would go away. And all i had to do was to not give in to these temptations i kept having. At one point I felt so bad about all the stuff i had downloaded that i purged my computer, wiping out everythign that i had downloaded. I felt a massive surge of relief after that. But it didn't last long before I gave in to temptation again. And i would feel regret and guilt each time I brought something up on my screen.

During those two years at college, apart from questioning myself, life in general was fairly good. Had a stable group of friends, a decent social life, and I was doing quite well at uni. One thing I do recall though, is that during these two years was when I started having these really strange dreams. Really abstract random, but scary dreams, like the ones that i have now. There was always someone or something after me, and it always ended with me being wounded/injured or killed. I never knew what they meant.

In 2008 i moved out with 3 friends from college and rented a house nearby the uni. I did so against the wishes of my parents. They wanted me to move in with my sister. But this was the first time in my life that i actually had, to me, 'proper' friends, and i wanted be with them. So i signed the lease without telling my parents. They were furious when I told them i had signed a year long lease.

It was this year that i really started to spiral into a deeper depression. Being at college, and being around so many people all the time, really for better or worse, kept my mind off a lot of things. There were so many distractions at college that there wasn't really much time to really think about things and think about myself.

I met a guy off an internet forum, and we started talking. I kind of lied to him about myself, because i was afraid that if i told him about the real me, that he might not want to be my friend. We would spend hours and hours talking online (he lived in canada) and the more we talked, the more i felt like I really really liked this guy. One day he mentioned that he was thinking about coming to Australia, and that he would really like to meet me. It was then that i got slightly nervous, because I had told him certain things about me that weren't true. When it became clear that he had serious intentions, i started to back off a bit, and soon our usual routine of daily chatting became more like a few words exchanged every now and then.

Pretty soon we stopped talking altogether. I felt so bad about not telling the truth, but I was just so scared of being rejected that i felt i had to lie to him to make him want to be my friend. I started feeling really secluded and alone after we stopped talking. I started to question my self worth, and started thinking that I wasn't good enough for anyone. I really started to hate myself. I started drifting away from my housemates. It was a different environment living out of college. There were no distractions, there were no other people around besides my housemates, and the level of social interaction was significantly less than when i was living at college.

Although i was living with friends, I felt so isolated from everyone. I felt like i didn't know these people well enough to talk to them about how i was feeling. So i kept it all inside. I felt so alone and inside all i wanted to do was scream. I just wanted someone i could talk to about how im feeling and for someone to just understand me. All in the meantime, i started putting on a front. An overly confident self to make up for how i really felt inside - lonely and vulnerable. I wouldnt be able to sleep at night, and toss and turn all night until morning. And then i'd be so tired that i wouldn't get out of bed and just lay there all day. My housemates noticed my excessive time in bed, and would often joke around and bang on my door loudly and yell and scream at me to get out of bed and stop being a lazy ass. I don't hold anything against them, because they didn't know better. I would have thought the same, especially because of the front that i was putting on.

I was also on sleeping medication. I've been on sleeping medication since the last half of my second year living at college. At one point, I ended up in hospital because of a suspected allergic reaction to some sleep medication i took. To this day i dont remember what happened that night. All i can remember is vomitting a lot and a whole heap of people in my room. I was told that the nurses at the hospital were worried that i had tried to overdose on paracetamol as they found a near empty packet on my table. I can't really remember much from that night. So i dont know whether i was in hospital because of the sleep medication or from the paracetamol.

Anyway sorry for digressing. After my online friend and i stopped chatting, I fell into a depressive cycle. I'd just feel so alone everynight. I'd cry a lot. I wouldnt' be able to fall asleep. I'd then take the sleeping tablets. And that would make me drift off, but then I'd feel so weak and drowsy in the mornings. I skipped a lot of my classes because i never felt in the right mood to go. It really showed in my grades as my GPA just kept slipping down.

I got to the point of desperation one day, (unfortunately it was during final exam week), and I went onto an online dating site, and started looking through profiles. But i didnt have a paid membership so all i could do was view, and not send any messages. But i was that desperate that I kind of stalked a guy, and found his youtube account and sent him a message through there. We talked for a bit on msn and he said he'd liek to meet me. His last exam was a few days before mine and we planned to meet up after he had finished his. The day we were supposed to meet up was also the day that i had my last exam. I was totally not prepared at all for my exam so i faked a sicky and got a doctors certificate and had my exam postponed. I called him up asking where he wanted to meet. But he didn't reply. So i messaged him, and he messaged back saying that he couldn't make it because he had to do something. And after that message, I never heard from him again.

Rejection hurt so bad. I was in such a bad state of mind at the time that although i had my exam postponed by a month, when the day came, i was underprepared and I went into the exam thinking i was going to fail for sure. When the results came out, I JUST scraped through and got a pass. But it was my lowest score for a semester yet. I just barely passed every subject i did.

I went home that christmas, and just wiped everything off my mind.

In 2009 i moved in with my sister and her BF who had now replaced her highschool friend as a housemate. Being in this situation i think amplified my feelings of loneliness. I felt so out of place and as if i was the third wheel. They'd go out and do things together and leave me alone at home by myself. Whenever they used to go out, I would spend excessive amounts of time in the kitchen just cooking stuff that i wouldn't eat. Cleaning things excessively. Finding all sorts of things to do to keep my mind off being alone. I eventually started walking around late at night, which wasn't the best or safest thign to do. I would walk several kilometres in the dark by myself. I'd come back, and then go to sleep still feeling a great sense of loneliness.

You could say that i could have just called up my friends and gone out and done something, but a lot of the friends i made at college were either international students or interstate students, and by this time, most of them had graduated and had either gone back interstate or overseas. And the few friends i had left were usually busy. The times that we did go out, it just never seemed the same as it did back in college. Most of them had girlfriends or boyfriends and it wasn't much fun going out and feeling like the third wheel all the time.

There were days when I just felt like i couldn't go on. Times i just felt like i was trapped in a concrete box with no way out.

I joined up with a gay matchmaking website, hoping that i'd be able to make a few friends. I eventually started talking to a guy and he asked me if i wanted to hang out with him. A while back I wrote a story on my blog called Naive. The truth is, this wasn't a story. This was what really happened to me. It was real. Jay = Me.

I had only known him for a few hours before he asked me to meet up with him the next day. I really thought we would be friends. I didn't know he had other intentions. I was really naive. At first we spent time talking, over coffee. And then we drove around for a while. He claimed he didn't know where he was going and that we were just randomly driving. We stopped off at this park. To be fair it was more like a jungle because there was a lot of trees and it was quite dense. And while we were in there, he kissed me. I was so nervous i was trembling. It was the first time i had ever kissed anyone.

There were people coming our way so we decided to leave. And we drove off for a bit, until we stopped at another place i had never been to before. We walked for a bit before he led me to a public restroom. I thought he needed to go, so i waited outside. I waited for what seemed like more than 5 minutes. And then he walked out, gave me a stern look, and kind of made a gesture to me as if telling me to come in. I replied that i didn't need to go. Again he looked a bit annoyed and gestured for me to come in. So i did. And it was there in the handicapped stall of a public restroom that i lost my virginity. We had unprotected sex in a public restroom. It was my first sexual experience ever and i was so scared, nervous but at the same time i was excited. Being my first time, it hurt so bad. He also kept asking me to fuck him as well, but it was so new to me that I couldn't get in the mood. So he went back to fucking me. Until he came. In me. I got myself off and then we cleaned up. Just as we were about to leave, I went up to kiss him. And he pushed me away. We left the public restroom and walked a bit and then sat down on a park bench. I asked him if he was ok, and he said that he wasn't into the touchy-feely stuff. We walked to his car, and he drove me back to the shopping centre where he picked me up from. He didn't say one word during that drive. I honestly thought we were going to hang out some more, but he left me there, aplogized that he had to go. And then he hugged me and told me to keep in contact. And so i did. but he never replied. He never came online again.

I was so confused. I lost my mind for a while. I didnt know what i was supposed to think. I thought we were going to be friends. I thought sex was going to be something more special. I had so many things running through my head. I was extremely lost, and i felt so worthless. I was numb. It hurt so bad to think you had made a friend and to have that taken away from you so fast. I fell into a deeper void, and for the next few months, I stopped caring. I stopped caring about my life. about my uni. about myself. I started meeting up with random guys, thinking i would be able to meet someone nice. But all anyone ever wanted was to fuck me. It was all for sex. Afterwards, i woudl never hear from anyone again. I talked to so many people online only to have them reject me or end up blocking me. I started sleeping with guys just to feel some form of human connection. Even if for a short while. In those few months i ended up sleeping with at least 8 different people. (And im really so sorry that I never told you the truth. You know who you are :-( )

And then i met another guy. He was his his late forties. After being rejected so many times, I just didn't care anymore. So i met up with him. He told me i was beautiful. Noone had ever said that to me before. I almost cried. He kept telling me that. And then he fucked me. He dropped me off at the station and i made my way home. I felt shame, guilt and embarrassment. This man, who just slept with me, was older than my father! I crawled into bed feeling so dirty, and so worthless. I felt like my life had no meaning. That sex had no meaning. That my body had no meaning at all anymore. I said to myself that i wasn't going to do it anymore.

And i stopped. I deleted all my online accounts. I went cold turkey.

And then the loneliness crept in again. And what was supposedly a once off thing with the man in his late forties became something that was more regular.

Not beause the sex was good. But because i realised that to feel loved, accepted and beautiful, that was the price i had to pay. I had to satisfy him.

He was rather well hung, so everytime we had sex, i was in pain. Every single time it hurt, but i pretended that i was enjoying it. This went on for half a year. Until i couldn't do it anymore. And i messaged him telling him that i dont feel this is what i wanted anymore. And he said he understood.

And ever since then, I just feel so dirty. I feel like a whore. A slut. I feel as if i have no worth anymore. As much as i try to think im a good person, I just cant anymore. A voice in my head keeps echoing how much of a worthless piece of shit i am. A dirty tramp who doesnt' deserve any respect from anyone.

I look at myself in the mirror, and i hate myself. I hate the way i look. I hate my body. There is not a single thing i like about myself. I see this person in the mirror and all i can think of is ugly and dirty.

As much as I wont admit to it, it really has affected me in so many ways. I've become really withdrawn, and I dont really socialise much with people anymore. I get nervous when i have to socialise. Im not very confident at anything i do anymore, and Im finding it harder and harder to get the courage to do anything. All i ever feel like doing now is sitting in my room by myself with the door locked.

I cant stop thinking that im second class. That im used goods. I can't find anything good to say about myself. I feel like i dont compare to anyone else. I feel liek im below them.

I feel inferior to everyone else around me. I've got this inferiority complex that i can't shake off. I also think i might have body dysmorphic disorder.

I really am ill. I've been suffering from insomnia for a long time. And also as a result hypertension. I've also developed a bit of an eating disorder. Even when im really really hungry, I just wont eat. Not because i wont make the effort to eat, but because I just really dont feel like eating. I can cook all the stuff in the world, yet I wont feel like eating anythign that i've cooked. I've gone whole days without eating a single thing. But then I end up binging on really unhealthy food. Takeaway stuff like McDonalds and KFC. And i've developed an addiction to fructose. I start getting angry for no reason if i dont have something sweet like Juice or fruit. And then i'll go back to not eating for a while, and then binging on junk food. I have to say that perhaps i have a decent metabolism or something, because as a result of my abnormal eating patterns and stress, I've only gained 6kgs of weight. I thought i would have gained so much more but still, 6kgs of excess weight is still not a good thing.

There are mornings where i wake up and i'd feel so crap. I'd wake up with massive headaches and the only way to make myself feel better is for me to make myself vomit by sticking my fingers down my throat. I dont know if its a good thign to be doing but it seems to be the only thing that makes me feel slightly better.

All this eating stuff has also made my stomach a bit odd. Im bigger in every way than my sister, but I can barely eat. She eats soo much more than I do. I mean i have trouble finishing off a 6 inch sub from Subway. I really dislike going to dinners because i feel so bad that i can't finish the food. I also feel bad when people take me to buffets because I wont even get through my first plate of food.

Mum knows about my hypertension, but she doesn't know about anything else. I've told her that im just stressed out about uni. At one stage while i was back home on a break, a blood vessel burst in my right eye, and it just kept bleeding. Eventually it stopped, and since then mum has been super worried about me. I keep telling her that my hypertension is due to stress from uni, but i can't use that excuse anymore because im only doing 1 subject at uni right now and im due to graduate at the end of the year.

Iknow this has been a long post, but I really really needed to get it out.
I dont really know what else to write so i'll leave it at this. I'll write about my highschool incidents in future posts.

I really do think my insomnia is getting worse and worse. The moment I slip under the covers of my bed, and rest my head on my pillow, its like all of a sudden I have this massive rush of blood to my head and I literally feel like my head is about to explode. I just feel so tense all the time, as if I have all this pressure building up within my head. It doesn't matter how tired I can be beforehand, but the moment I try to close my eyes to sleep, I simply can't.

Everytime I close my eyes, a million thoughts, feelings and emotions come rushing into my head. Not a single thought in particular, but just a whole jumble of everythign and anything. It doesn't make any sense at all. The only realy way i can describe it is an entire stack of documents just being flung up into the air, and watching it scatter everywhere as it falls back down to the ground. Except in my head, these thoughts and feelings dont fall to the ground. They stay there, suspended in mid air.

My mind is so clouded, I can't think straight at all. I can't make logical or rational decisions. I feel like i dont know what is right or wrong anymore.

Within this jumble in my head, lies something extremely personal, dark, humiliating and something that I am so ashamed, embarrassed and guilty about. I keep thinking that its really nothing, and that I haven't at all been much affected by it. But truth is, this very thing has plagued my mind ever since, and has changed who I am and my personality and how i behave in a significant way.

I may or may not have told anyone. I may or may not have tweaked the truth. But it lingers inside me, eating away at my sanity. This big dark shadow in my mind. I can't get it away from me.

I just want to come clean. I want to dispel these demons. I keep thinking that if i pretend that it never happened or if i just ignore it that it will go away. But it doesn't. The darkness just grows and grows in my mind.

I want to just let it out. And learn to let it go. But im afraid. And ashamed. And humiliated by it.

The Darkness In My Mind

Sometimes i'll wake up and just feel completely down and out for no particular reason whatsoever. This morning is one of those. I wish i could quantiify how i actually feel in words, but i just cant seem to. In slowly loaing my mind and my ability to communicate.

Its 4am in the morning and im wide awake not able to get back to sleep. I feel such a deep disconnection with the world around me. I had a random dream just before i woke up. I was back in highschool, out on a field. Somehow i ended up being part of a soccer/football team. I was goal keeer. Not a very good one though. I failed to save any balls watsoever. I felt so embarrassed, guilty and ashamed of myself. I felt i had let the team down. It was wasnt a great moment for me, and i felt so bad about it that i had to fight back tears. It wasnt my fault i kept telling myself.

All my life i'd never been good at sports. Not because i didnt like sports but becausei dont believe i was ever afforded.the opportunity. As a kid my parents were working pretty much 5am to 7pm and as a result i'd have to take care of my siblings. I never had the chance to do any afterschool extra curricular activities. Was never really part of a team. I also suffered from asthma, which due to lack of correct knowledge for my situation and little time, my parents kept me from.doing physical activities that could trigger my asthma.

During my time at in primaary school, i could never remember why i wasnt in any sports team. I recall one time i was out on a field playing soccer. It was like i was just placed there. I didnt know what to do. I didnt know the rules. Noone had taught me. After the game, all i can remember was that all these older kids calling me names and one name that i remember to this day was 'faggot'. I was called a faggot even tho i had no idea what it meant. It wasnt a good feeling, and ever since then i guess i was so afraid of being abused that i avoided team sports for the rest of my time at school. Id tell my parents to write in letters.to.excuse me from doing any sports, using my asthma as.a reason.

During that time when i was younger, i never really had.many friends. Was never really included in anything. My best friend was a girl called Kim. Sports teams were gender separated so whenever sports.day came, i felt i had lost my best friend for the day. I was so ashamed and embarrassed being with the guys. I was afraid of the things they'd do or say to me. I'd always be chosen last. I dreaded sports so much. Not because i didnt like it but because i was afraid. fraid because i didnt know how to play. Afraid of letting people down. Afraid of being verbally abused after the game. I dont think the teachers did anything about it. They just tokd me not to listen.

The dream i had made me think. I was so afraid being the goal keeper. But what was i afraid of? I was afraid of failure. Afraid to let others down. Afraid at what was coming to me.

I only just realised then, that ive had confidence issues all my life. I was afraid of. Humiliation and rejection so i pusshed it all away. I tried to keep as far away from team sports as i could.

And i deeply regret it now. I never got a chaance to form relationships. I never got a chance to interact with the other guys. I never had a chance to feel wat it felt like to be part of a team. To win as a team. To lose as a team.

I feel so disconnected. Sports is such a big part of normal life and i feek like im missing that entire chunk of my life. Im missing the confidence, the energy and the passion. I guess this is a.reason i feel so awkward and uncomfortable around other guys.

Right now i feel like because i've lost this part of my life, that anything i do in the future will be severely affected. Im almost graduTed and i feel that in any future workplace i'll be in, i may be ostracised from the rest of my co-workers, esp the males, as sports is a common bond most people will share. A bond that i lack. And then i would get stereotyped. They'll probably say "oh he desnt like sports because he's gay". I dont like sports because i was never given the opportunity to like it.

I feel so detachdd and like im missing an entire chunk of me. I live in fear. Im afraid.

I saw a counsellor yesterday. The whole morning I was so nervous. I kept thinking about what I was supposed to say and what I wanted to start with. I began to think that maybe seeing a counsellor wasn't such a good idea and was tempted to cancel my appointment. I was up early that morning because i couldn't sleep. I showered got dressed and walked to the bus stop. The closer i got to uni, where the counsellor was based, the more anxious i got.

When i spoke to the receptionist over the phone to make the appointment a few days ago, she asked me if i wanted to see a male or female counsellor. I wasn't expecting that question and I didn't really know how to respond so I just said whoever was available. So she said she'd book me in with Sheldon. A male name im guessing.

The night before I was having thoughts about how maybe a male counsellor wasn't such a good idea. I've never been comfortable being around other guys. So as the time drew nearer to the appointment, I got fidgety and my heart was pounding away in my chest. Fortunately I was greeted by a nice lady instead of 'Sheldon' who introduced herself and said she would be my counsellor.

We went in the room and i sat on the chair clutching my bag in my lap. She introduced herself, and went through some administrative stuff. She said anythign that was said was confidential and remained between her and me. Except for if i was suicidal or could potentially hurt myself or others, then she would have to report me. She also took the bag off me and asked me to relax.

So she started by asking me how i was feeling. Simple question really. But i couldn't answer her. I told her that i wasn't sure why i was there. I said that it was a mistake and i shouldn't have come. I explained that my doctor had recommended that i see a counsellor months ago but i kept putting it off. I also said that I was only there because some friends had said that i needed to see someone. She understood.

I asked her to imagine a cube. If she could imagine life as a cube. And using that cube, you'd be able to examine each side of the cube, until the entire cube had been looked over. I then explained that my life was NOT a cube. But rather a sphere. Where there are no sides except one. And that there is no single starting point and that every aspect of my life is so intwined that everything just melds together as one.

She asked me how i thought about being here. I answered that i felt that by cominng to a counselling session that I am admitting to having problems. Admitting defeat. That i was too weak and useless to deal with my own problems by myself. I told her that i felt especially vulnerable. We sat for a while in silence. She explained to me that this was NOT the case at all. That everyone needs someone to talk to. Seeing a counsellor doesn't mean that I am weak. It means that I have the strength and courage to seek someone, and to not bottle everything up. She admitted that even she sees a counsellor too.

She asked me if there are any pressing issues at this very moment. I thought for a while, and then not being able to really think of anything, I introduced her to a few people. EV, Charlie, EV's sister Kay and Charlies sister. I explained that today was Kay's 21st birthday. But I didn't want to go even though she had invited me. I didn't want to go because I didn't want to see EV or K. I didn't want to talk to them or see them. I told her i felt really bad about it.

I explained that EV had told Kay something about me that was highly personal, and that kay had told charlies sister who then told charlie. And then i was confronted by charlie. I never told the counsellor what the secret was though. I talked about charlie and EV. About how we all went to school together. How i felt betrayed and that i have major trust issues with EV. I told the counsellor about an incident in highschool which took me several years to get over.I talked about how i was from a small town and that if this secret got out, it could be very damaging for me.

She asked me what i was afraid of. I said i was afraid of being alone. of losing the people i care about. I told her about how i've had to restart in life so many times. That i felt like it wasn't worth trying anymore. That i had no joy or happiness in life. She put on a serious face and asked me if i had ever had suicidal thoughts.

I told her yes. Which is true. I told her i have them nearly every day. She became concerned and questioned me further. I told her that i always wished that everything would just come to an end. That i'd get hit by a car or something. Or i'd get really really sick and not wake up. She then asked me if i had thought about ways of which i could end my life. I was a little bit stunned. I had never thought of it before. I had never thought about the ways in which i could end my life. All i ever thought about was how good it would be if i just dissappeared. I told her that i didn't have to courage to act on it.

She let me in on a secret and said that she's happy for me, because its not that i dont have the courage. Its that theres a part of me that still really wants to live. A part of me deep down that knows that things could be so much better and that is what is keeping me from taking my own life.

We talked about my family. Talked about my family background and family dynamics. During this part i was very emotional and I am embarrassed to admit it, but i got a bit teary. We were already over time, but she never told me to stop.

She mentioned 'intergenerational trauma' and that not only was i carrying my own burden, but i was also carrying the burden of my parents and my family.

I told her i felt trapped, and that i had nowhere to go. Couldn't go back, couldn't look forward.

She said that my story was nothing ordinary at all. She said i was an intelligent person, who even though may not be able to put it into words, that i could sense things and feel it inside.

She then asked me to come back again next time and that she really wants to help me out on my journey. She said that she wanted to talk about my hopes and dreams and aspirations.

-----------------

I hadn't eaten at all that day, and i was getting really hungry. So i messaged hayden if he wanted to catch up for lunch since he was at uni. He msged back saying that he was busy. I was still clearly upset from the things i talked about with the counsellor, so i didn't end up getting anything to eat because i didn't feel in the mood to eat anymore.

I sat in the library before i got a phone call. You know who you are. Thanks so much for being there for me.

-----------------

Im kind of worried right now. Worried about whether or not I've made the right decision.

I spent over an hour, staring at my computer screen. Over an hour thinking about what i'd do, and what i'd say. Where I'd start. You see, on my screen was the phone number for the student counsellors at my university.

I stared at that number, and I felt anxious, nervous, scared and slightly nauseated just thinking about it. Im so afraid right now, that im sort of trembling.

Im nervous and there is a part of me that wishes that i had never had never picked up that phone and called that number.

Now the reality is hitting me. Im going to have to truly admit that I have problems. Im going to have to open myself up. I feel so vulnerable. Like i've never felt before.

I've put this off for far too long.

Ben, I know you read this, even if you dont comment, but you're right that im going to drive myself insane if I dont get help.

This is for you, Ron, Biki, Ben, Winter.

My first steps.

Last night.....I came out to a friend from highschool. His names Charlie.

I was put on the spot. I didnt' know what to do. I didnt know what to say.
So conversation pretty much went like "Charlie: Hi, Me: Hey hows it going, Charlie: Yeah pretty good. Look we need to have a serious talk, because I will be quite upset if what im going to confirm with you is true or not."

From just that sentence my heart skipped a beat. I KNEW already what he was going to ask me. How did he know? Why did he know? And what would he think?

Charlie: I'll be upset, not if its true or not, but because you felt you couldn't tell me, thinking that i would mind, when in fact i would be happy for you. Now tell me the truth, because my sister tells me something that I should have heard first hand and been happy for you. Forgive the bluntness and dont take this the wrong way if its not true, but she tells me that you admit to being openly gay and if its true, then im happy for you and a little disappointed that you didnt tell me first hand and suprised. Suprised because I really didn't see it coming.

At this point, I have mixed emotions. I dont know whether I should be glad that as a friend, he fully supported me, and did not judge me for who i am, or whether i should be fearful, or angry, annoyed.

I reacted in a defensive manner. I didn't answer his question. Instead i interrogated him on his source of information. Turns out that he heard from his sister, which heard from the sister of a friend, EV, who apparently got the information from EV herself.

At NO stage watsoever, have i EVER mentioned or told EV about myself. So it came to me as a complete shock.

Me: Charlie, you do realise that you're putting me on the spot atm. I mean, its like I could tell you either way right now, but the thing is, you've already heard the second hand information from people to whom i've apparently 'openly admitted' to. So does it matter at all what i tell you now?

Charlie: I could dance around it, but then I dont want to make it into a big deal when its not that big of a deal to me. well if one person had just told me I wouldnt give it any credit, but when apparently and supposedly its info passed down a chain as fact, I take it with a bit more salt. but if its not true, then I will believe you, and you have my word.

Me:ok well... tell me something. what kind of a friend do you see me as?

Charlie: A dear old friend

Me: And as a dear old friend, you would know that anything you tell me that you would wish to remain as confidential, and only for me to know of,... you know that i would never breach that trust?

Charlie:
yes I would. I would entrust that our almost decade of friendship would ensure that

Me: Well apparently friendship doesn't necessarily mean trust. As i've jsut found out.

Me: i've known you for like 10 years. and you're probably the closest friend i have from highschool, so i want to ask you of something

Charlie:
ask away old friend

Me: whatever is said in this conversation, do you give me your word that you'll keep between just you and me

Charlie:
on the 10 years of friendship you have my word
may they all be for naught and ash if I do otherwise

Me: firstly, i want to apologise. im so sorry. im not sorry that i didnt' say or tell you, but sorry that you had to hear it from these other people. truth is, i had never admitted to being 'openly gay' and right now, im in shock, and disbelief, that something i had told someone a long time ago, in confidence that he'd keep it confidential, has obviously been leaked, and now it has become some form of stupid game of chinese whispers. to be brutally blunt - i dont know what to tell you. i guess i'll say im 'questioning' myself

Charlie:
bi curious?

Me: well i guess you could say that

Charlie:
well ok then im glad its out in the open between us

Me:
i never told you, because i haven't even been able to accept it in myself yet. So you can imagine how i feel about telling other people when i can't even tell myself.
its not because i didnt want to tell you, believe me

Charlie:
I would have thought you would trust me to be ok with it regardless if you yourself werent. I know I call things gay and make "gay" refrences, but its a word ingrained to mean "stupid" or "dumb", more than to mean homosexuality and does not reflect my true feelings on the subject, which is one of total indifference and acceptance
If you are a bi curious, than I am fine with that and I can only hope that when you settle on a side, or simply choose the middle, that someone no matter who or what gender they may be, makes you happy. because as your friend, that is my concern as a friend for you: that you are happy

Me: thanks for understanding. i appreciate it greatly, and i am so grateful for your friendship and support

Charlie:
I would expect the same for any of my friends, only right and proper to do the same
and even more so for my oldest friends

--------------------------

Im not upset that Charlie now knows. Im not upset or regret that i came out to him. What i am upset and confused about is how EV found out, and why she felt that she could so easily share this information with other people. I mean, she has NEVER even tried to talk to me about the issue. I feel so disrespected, and honestly i dont know if i want to talk to her or see her.

EV and I have a long history. A history with major ups and downs. I have HUGE trust issues with her, as a result of something that she did to me in the past. For 2 years, i couldn't stand to look at her, see her or even talk to her. For 2 years i ignored her and tried to cut her out of my life. It took me 2 years to finally come around and be in a position to be able to communicate with her again. I thought since highschool, since we both formed a closer bond since that incident, that i could trust her again. It has taken me almost 7 years to be comfortable being around her again. And now im not so sure anymore.

I dont know where she heard it from, but even if she did hear rumours, i am just so shocked as to why she didn't have the decency to even just ask me about it, before she went and ranted to other people. I just dont understand. This isn't just some little secret that will blow over with the wind. This is a secret that can and probably will affect someone for the rest of their life. So now, my secret, is apparently floating around, making the rounds.

Apart from my blogger friends, there were only 2 people in the entire world, who i actually told in real life. SN, & LS. Back in highschool. More than 5 years ago. I told them i was bi-curious, under confidence that whatever was said to them was confidential and between ONLY me and them. They gave me their word, and promised me.

I dont know if LS told anyone. But I have a feeling that SN may have told a few people. The only way EV could have known is if SN told her. Afterall, they were going out when I told SN my secret. He PROMISED me.

A few weeks back, I received a FB msg from BC, another friend from highschool which i hadn't seen or heard from for a long time. We had a falling out in highschool. He was apparently bi, and apparently i gave mixed messages. When he acted on those messages, i freaked out. He said he didnt want to have anythign to do with me until i could give him an answer. I never did.

This message from BC, asked me how i was doing and whether i had a BF yet, because apparently i was 'thinking [I] was bi and all...' back in highschool. I questioned him about it, since i had never explicitly admitted or told him any such thing.

Again, that message that i got, was a bit of a surprise. I had never told BC. I had never told EV. But how did these people know? Im going to take a stab and say again, SN - a friend who i thought i could trust.

I dont know. Maybe im making a big deal out of the situation. But what if im not? I grew up in a small town. Small enough that everyone knows everyone else, and word spreads like wildfire. If Charlie has heard, then how many other people have heard?

Heck I haven't even had to courage to tell my family yet, so I'd be physically sick, if this game of chinese whispers comes around to my family members.

All the dreams i've had about being outed. All my fears. It feels as if everythign i've been afraid of has begun.

The movie wasn't that great, but heck, i went along anyway. Just because i could, and also because I hadn't seen JN and his girlfriend for a while. To be quite honest, I couldn't even remember what the movie was about, but it was in 3d so that made it cool. Half way through JN and his significant other wondered out of the cinema, and it had been a while and they weren't back yet. They weren't answering their phones either.

"This movies not even that good" i thought to myself, so I got up and decided to go and look for them. Seemed that maybe i wasn't the only person with the same idea, as just as i got up to leave, another guy did the same too. "It wasn't that great was it?" he asked me. "Oh .. umm yeah it was ok, but wasn't quite what i was expecting" i replied. We walked for a while, introducing ourselves to each other, talking about uni, jobs, friends etc. And then i bumped into BC.


"Hey you! What are you doing here?" he quizzed me. "oh um was watching a movie with some friends, but they walked out and now im trying to find them" i replied. A conversation ensued, which was acknowledged by the random boy who i was talking with earlier, as he waved me goodbye and started walking off. Arggh noo...I didn't even get his number! So i became somewhat figety, playing with my keys, hoping the converssation with BC would end so that i could run after the cute boy from before.

"You seem a bit tense. and preoccuppied. whats up?" BC asked. "is it that obvious?" i answered, half laughingly, "im sorry, um i got my keyring stuck on my finger and it sorta really hurts. Anyway man, it was good to see you, but I've gotta run. I'll see you around sometime yeah? We should catch up and do something yeah?" "For sure" replied BC. And with that the conversation ended.

I glanced around, and spotted cute boy in the far distance, just about the walk around the corner and down the escalators. So i run after him. "Hey wait up man!" i called out. He looked up at me and smiled. "Hello stranger. Have we met?" Slightly confused, i stood there for a bit. "oh ..um yeah.. we were just chatting before i bumped into a friend. Im sure it was you i was talking to...well i hope it was.."
Cute boy laughed a little bit and admitted he was only joking.

What happened next sort of took me by surprise. He reaches out and grabs my hand and holds it. Out of nowhere he kisses me, then after that, we both stand side by side, hand in hand, speechless on the escalator down. "OMG!" i hear someone exclaim and at that, I drop his hand immediately, suddenly remembering that im out in public. I look across, and realise that another friend of mine, JD was coming up the escaltor on the other side. Oh crap.. i thought. This is awkward.

JD swiftly walks to the top of the escalators and jumps back on the escalator down. I have a feeling that i've got some explaining to do..."You little devil" JD exclaims with a cheeky grin on her face. "Why didn't you tell me!! OMG you two are adorable!!!" No no no no its not what it seems, I tried to explain, but my attempts were futile as she was already hooked on to the idea that we were together. Cute boy gives me a kiss on the cheek and tells me that he has to go.

"please dont tell anyone JD" i plead. "Why not? you make too good of a couple not to let everyone know about it!" JD exclaimed. "Because it will make things difficult. thats why. give me some time okay JD? Promise me this is just between the two of us. Please?" I explained. "Oh alright then. I'm running late with the movie anyway, so i'll talk to you later alright? haha you little devil. good on ya." "sure. see you later". My phone vibrates, and i take it out and find out that JN and his girlfriend have left me a message, telling me that 'something has come up'. Home it is then.

A few days after, im sitting in a class room, where we have a guest speaker, coming to tell us about entrepreneurial opportunities. In the coming days, we are told, that theres going to be a convention held for young inventors, where potential ideas for new products will be evaluated, and the best idea will win a sponsorship deal. Im not sure if its been done before, but the idea i had in my head, was a 2WD mountain bike. I raise my hand and tell the guest speaker about my idea. She tells me its a wonderful idea, and that i should definitely go to the convention, as new ideas will be recorded and broadcast on tv. "Oh you can go with your BF" JD calls out from the back of the class. "Excuse me? what?" i exclaim. "you should definitely go! I bet you and your BF will be the cutest couple on TV" added JD.

The whole class turns towards me, and I can just imagine a shroud of contempt drifting over everyones heads. I know most of the people in my class, and i guess i would classify most of them as friends, but the looks on their faces doesn't really support the 'friends' classification. "Why didn't you tell us?" asked RA, clearly distraught, "thats just... god.. thats just so wrong you know?". I tried to deny it, and tell everyone that I dont even have a BF, which WAS technically true, but it seemed that the seed had been planted, and no matter what i say noone really listened.

That was interesting. Being publically outed in front of the whole class. yay. Not. "Why does it matter? Im still the same person I've always been! Nothing has to change!" I exclaimed. "L-O-L.... so whos gay here?" someone from the back interjected. Not knowing what to do, I pointed at PL and said "PL is. yeah PL is the gay one". "haha faggot...PL is a gaybo" laughed the idiot from the back.

So the chaos and tension in the room grew so completely red-faced, and humiliated, i didn't know what to do. Please please please... oh freakin hell. this did not just happen. Frustrated, I walk out of the room, only to be pulled back in by SK. She slaps me and starts crying...."and all this time, I thought you never liked me because i wasn't pretty enough or smart enough for you! You bastard!". "no thats not it at all!!! You have no idea what i've gone through! NO IDEA AT ALL!! You know its funny because all this time, I though i wasn't good enough to have any of you like me in that way...You all have no idea..." i explained, tears rollin down my face. But i guess whatever i say, noone really cares. I unlock the door, and just as Im about to walk out, SK pushes me, and after falling for what seems like a while down a dark pit, I land in a lake...

I wake up.

I'm sorry. Sorry for getting everyone worried.

Things have been tough for me lately. My whole life felt like it was crumbling. My non-existent social life, not having someone who i could really connect with, a longing for a soul mate, things turning a bit sour with my housemates, my financial situation, my job hunting, my poor academics, general depression and the effect its having on my health. As a result of depression, I've been having chronic insomnia, hypertension, tiredness and lack of energy, eating issues and loss of appetite, headaches, lack of focus and spurts of restlessness.

The depression I think stems from my very bleak view of life. A sense of hopelessness and worthlessness. I keep imagining my future - working in a job that i probably wont like, and doing the whole 8-4 thing, acting happy and confident, pretending i have friends while really i don't have anyone i can connect with or am close to. And then i picture myself doing that for the rest of my life. Being LONELY for the rest of my life. And so i have this craving, an obcession even, to find a soul mate. Someone who understands me. Someone who i can trust. Someone who i can understand and trust. Right now I don't have ANYONE (in real life as opposed to cyberspace) who I can really talk to. I don't have anything in common with any of my real life friends and I just find that I just can't connect with them. We can go out and do things, but at the end of the day, people end up clinging to those who they share a common bond with, so i usually end up by myself. My longing to find someone i could connect with was part of the reason for my sort of obcession with TN. But I know nothings ever going to happen because he gives me hope that some sort of decent friendship would ever happen, and then he takes it all back again. It makes me feel that I'm not worthy to be with anyone. To be anyones friend. AM i really that bad of a person that he doesn't want anything to do with me? It's lead to me doubting myself all the time. Thinking that I'm not good enough. That I'm worthless.I have confidence issues. MAJOR confidence issues.

My job hunting isn't going very well either. I'm supposed to be graduating from uni at the end of the year. I've applied for every internship and graduate position that I've known of and day after day all i get is a rejection email. Not even a personal one, but a mass emailed rejection. And the only other time that I thought i had any sort of a chance, I was called up on the last hour, of the very last day, and told that although i scored highly in the interview, that i scored highly in the group excercise, that i scored highly in the individual test, that ultimately, my degree type was the wrong one for them and that they can't see a position for me. I was the last person that they called that week. They said i was a tough one to decided. But still in the end, it was another rejection. The HR manager mentioned that the other supervisors noticed that i wasn't as outgoing as the other candidates.

What gets me down is that because of my confidence issues, I'm not a very outgoing person. I don't do well in large group settings. And a lot of these job interviews you really have to be confident and sell yourself. Do you see a dilemma here? I have such low self esteem, self-worth and confidence that I just can't do this. I just can't talk about how good I am, and how much of an asset i'd be to the company if I don't personally believe that myself. I've had a bit of a pessimistic attitude recently and no matter how hard i try, i can't seem to shake it off. I can't seem to see myself for what im worth.

Another aspect about the rejections i've been getting have been partly because of my poor academics. Every semester i tell myself this is going to be my best one. But it goes downhill everytime. I've really got noone to blame but myself. I don't spend nearly enough time studying, and when I do I can't focus. My mind wanders, and I keep bringing up things, like how i wish i had someone with me. During the week, I look forward to the weekends, thinking that this weekend i'll be doing something fun with my friends. Only to find out that either everyone is busy, they don't' feel like it or on some occassions have already planned something and not invited me. So i crawl back into my bed and spend my weekend depressed in my room. I've lost all motivation to study. I don't look forward to anything anymore. I don't look forward to my weekends, because to me,weekends=depressed. Yet i don't look forward to the week either, because during the week I'm at uni, alone. I see people at uni, sitting and chatting with friends. Out on the grass having fun. In the food courts having lunch as a group. People studying together. I wish i had that. I really do. It really kills me inside that I've got noone who does the same degree as me that i can study with. Noone who i can hang out with at uni whenever i have my breaks. I spend my days at uni either in class or in the library by myself. Some days I go the entire day without speaking to anyone. All the while i should be studying, I have these thoughts running through my head, and any attempt to learn is futile, as nothing stays in my head. I end up wasting away my days and not learning anything. Just yesterday I failed an exam. it was worth 45%. It makes me sad knowing that once, i was getting High Distinctions and Distinctions and now I'm barely scraping a pass.

At home, things aren't any better. My sister and my other housemate have been a bit sour towards me. I've been doing some irrational things. I don't have a job atm, so I'm living off whatever my parents are giving me. I don't come from a wealthy family. I wouldn't even say we were middle class. We're just getting by. With what money my parents give me, I usually help out with the bills and groceries, while my sister who studies and works, pays for the biggest expense, rent. A few days ago I had an argument with my sister about my financial situation. Mum had called her up and apparently told my sister that she was doing it tough trying to make enough money to support me. My sister got annoyed that mum was telling her this instead of calling me up and telling me. She said I was lazy and needed to get a job, and that mum should stop giving me money since they're doing it tough at home as well. After the phone call I asked my sister what was said and she got angry with me, and told me that I need to stop being a lazy prick and contribute. For me to get a job. I explained to her that I have tried. Many times and not had any success. But she didn't believe me. ANd this is when my other housemate came in and supported my sister, telling me that I'm only making excuses and that If other uni students can find a job, then so can I and that I needed to pull my head out. After that argument, I felt so bad. I was angry that noone believed my attempts at find work, noone supported me. I had noone there for me. They also told me that i needed to stop wasting money on things of no importance - referring to how i had spent some money on a camera, and on my wii. But you know what? I bought those things to keep me sane. To keep myself from having all these depressive thoughts. To take me out of my miser for a little while so I can have some sort of peace of mind. And those irrational things i've been doing - cleaning the house excessively, spending far too much time in the kitchen cooking/cleaning. Again i do those things to take my mind off other issues. But they don't know that. My housemates don't know what I'm going through. They don't know i have depression, and that even when i say i'm gong to bed, i don't end up sleeping until almost morning. They don't know that i'm not straight, and they say a lot of things that upset me greatly. They don't understand how lonely i am. I have no friends. Both my sister and my housemate have partners. They do things together as couples all the time. Movies, restuarants, going out to the city etc. And in the meantime, i watch on as they all have joy in their lives. They all have someone to cuddle, to be with, to talk to. I have noone. I sit in my room and cry.

I feel so bad that i have to hide my sexuality from everyone. I can't go out and make friends because it's somethign thats always in my mind. I don't know what they'd think of me if they knew the truth. I can't go out and make friends with other people like me, because then I'd raise suspicion. I feel so trapped. I so scared that my family will find out. I don't have the courage to tell them. I don't think they will take it well. I don't want to lose them. If i lose my family, i have NOONE. I'm afraid of how people will judge me if they knew the truth. I'm afraid that the group of 'friends' i have now will think I had lied to them the whole time. I'm afraid of how my family will judge me. I'm afraid that if i did come out to them, that later down the track I find out that that's really not what I wanted. It's a big commitment and right now I don't feel like i can commit. I've got too much to lose, but at the same time, I really DON'T have anything to lose at all. I still haven't accepted myself yet.

All these thoughts, feelings and emotions have made me depressed so much that I'm physically suffering. I have chronic insomnia and no matter how tired I am, i just can't get to sleep. It sounds so silly but I end up crying most nights. I can never wake up feeling refreshed. I've had to go out and buy a blood pressure monitor just so i can try to control my hypertension. The last reading i took was 158/99 with a pulse rate of 132. My doctor knows im suffering from hypertension and insomnia, but refuses to give me medication because he thinks im too young to be taking medication for hypertension and he doesn't want to get me addicted to sleeping tablets, especially after i ended up in hospital once from the tablets he gave me. My general lack of energy is also leading to easting disorders. I end up eating at odd times, losing my appetite a lot even when im starving. And when i do eat, i end up either vomiting or feeling really bloated and uncomfortable. It doesn't help my appetite either when my housemates are both health junkies and eat things like wholegrains, brown rice, wholemeal pasta, soy milk etc which i just CAN'T learn to like. These things they buy aren't usually cheap so I feel like i just have to go with what they're eating other wise if i get my own set of groceries, our bill is just going to skyrocket not to mention the waste of food if i don't finish eating what i bought since neither of them touch the things i would buy. So many days, I don't eat. I don't have breakfast. I don't have lunch. Sometimes when I'm at uni, i'll buy something from the refect, but still, I lose my appetite and don't really feel like eating anything. Then by the time i get home my stomach would be growling and i'd be feeling quite weak. When i make dinner, my housemates don't eat because they believe my food is 'unhealthy'. So i have to let them make dinner, and since they're health junkies they'd make somethign that is completely unappealing to me, and because of my appetite problems, i'd only end up having a few bites, and feeling hungry for the rest of the night. I end up drinking far too much to offset my lack of eating. The tap water in our unit is really foul tasting so I usually buy bottled water or juice, or those flavoured waters. Despite all this, i still find myself gaining weight! Since the start of 2009, i've gained almost 5kgs!! My sister has scolded me so many times telling me that I should stop eating crap. I told her that the problem wasn't because i ate 'crap' (crap refers to normal milk, butter, white bread, normal pasta, meat etc) but because i didn't EAT in the first place. I told her that there's nothing in the pantry that I feel like eating. She then got annoyed at me and told me that if I don't want to eat that stuff then i should just go out and buy my own food. But I can't, because if i did, we'd spend way too much money, and having two sets of food in the house just isn't economical, especially since her and my other housemate won't eat anything i make. It just doesn't make sense. So I told her that because of their lifestyle, I felt that i've had to compromised my own diet in order to be able to not run into financial problems. My sister got angry with me and said that Im using her and my housemate as scapegoats and that any health problems arising are my own fault. This really upsets me because thats not what i intended at all.

Although she's my sister, I'm emotionally distant from her. In fact, i'm not close to anyone in my family at all. I feel i can't talk to anyone about anything. I've got two younger brothers. My younger brother (not the youngest) is a bit of a rebel, and has always been difficult at home. He does what he feels like, despite my parents rejections. He forges his own path regardless of the others around him. Whereas I tended to be far too obedient. :-( i wish i had the strength and courage of my brother. But theres a reason why I am the way I am. When i was a child, my dad had always favoured my rebel brother. My dad accused me of being a bastard child that my mum had from an affair. He said i was a dumb and stupid child - i couldn't talk until i was 3, and anythign that was given to me, toys etc, i would end up breaking them apart. So he just stopped buying me things. I recall when i was about 4 or 5, he bought my brother a rather expensive remote control car. For me all he got was a small matchbox car. He would take my brother and they'd go and play with the remote control car, while i stayed behind. I was only a child then, but I was so upset, and felt so unloved. Eventually i realised that I was able to get more of my dads attention if I obeyed his every command, and did everythign he asked of me. It was only when he realised that he didn't have 100% control over my brother that he started giving me attention. If i wanted to go out somewhere, and he said no, that was the final answer. I just didn't go out. If i wanted something and he didn't approve of it, that was the final answer. I obeyed every word he said as if he were some sort of God. Because i knew that unless i did, I wouldn't get any of his attention or love. My other siblings have repeatedly told me that i'm the 'favourite' child in the family and that I get anything that i want. But they have no idea what i've had to go through. They have no idea what i've had to sacrifice for things to be this way. And my parents don't seem to understand that giving me material posccessions does not necessarily equate to love. Even to this day, my dad uses me as a reason for his 'suffering' - how him and mum have to do hard labour every day so that they can support me. Would it not hurt anyone to be told that they are a burden? So now that we've established that among my other problems, I'm also a burden. My youngest brother has had it easy his whole life. He's never had to step up and take charge of anything. He's always had everything he wanted handed down to him. The other day my sister asked him who he looks up to, and he replied that he looks up to my rebel brother. She asked him why and why doesn't he look up to me, as i'm a good role model since i'm intelligent, kind, obedient and that im at uni. He told her that he doesn't see me as a role model because im a 'fag' and that im 'uncool', 'nerdy' and a 'sissy'. That really really hurt me like nothing before. I felt as if I had been stabbed in the heart multiple times and left to bleed. Did he not realise how much I sacrificed in the past taking care of him while my parents were at work, having to skip school to look after him. I tried to give him the upbringing that my parents never gave me. And this is what i get for everything i've done for him. It only reaffirms to me who worthless i really am, and what my family would think of me.

Taking everything into considering, it's no suprise that i've actually contemplated suicide so many times. I've thought about how fragile life really is and how it could be ended so easily. How my suffering could be instantaneously erased. But then I think about how absurd suidcide was, and that all my problems and issues are all so petty. That they were all insignificant. There are people in this world, fighting, struggling, doing all they can to survive. And here i am rubbing it all in their faces by even thinking of taking my own life.

I'm really mentally unstable. I get swayed so easily by little things that happen. I take everything far too personally and literally. My mind is unsteady.

The last few days, I've been so depressed, anxious and stressed out about everything. So much that its manifested into my dreams. I keep having recurrent dreams about the same issue. Two dreams that were especially provoking included one in which i had a massive argument with my sister, and ended up losing it (im usually very calm and very non-violent) and smashing a whole heap of things. She then went and told my mum that i had completely lost it. I tried to explain the situation to mum, and how i've been depressed and how i've come so close to attempting suicide. But she laughed at me and told me that I need to harden up and that if im really that weak that i want to kill myself, then go right ahead. She didn't even offer me any support at all. I was so gutted that i grabbed the knife and stabbed myself in the chest several times in front of her, in front of my sister and my entire family. I really thought this was the end and that i wouldn't have to suffer any more. And then I woke up.

In the other dream, i dreamt i was back at home. I was in my room when my family walked in. They all stood there looking at me, with faces of despair, horror and disgust. I saw my little brother at the door, smirking at me, almost laughing, and pointing his finger at me. My dad, red faced and all, came to me and asked me if i was gay. I asked him would it really matter so much to him if i was? I never answered his question but he immediate broke into tears. NOT ONCE in my life have i ever seen him cry. He was angry and distraught and yelled at me, and told me that he never wanted to have anything to do with me ever again. He didn't want to see me, he didn't want me there in his house. I was so shocked i started crying. I saw mum crying too so i asked her for her support. I told her i needed her, and that It wasn't my fault that i was this way. It was just who i am and that i couldn't change who i was. Instead of being there for me, she screamed out me. She told me she didn't love me, and that they all hated me and wanted me gone. I cried so hard, that i woke up panting with tears rolling down my face.

I'm afraid of going to sleep. Im scared that i have to relive these moments all over again in my dreams.



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Im so sorry I got you guys worried - BaS, Ron, Ben. I've just been really down recently. I'm slightly better now that i've got my assignments and exams out of the way. When i did my last post, i had an argument with my sister, and i also learnt about what my little brother thought of me. I just couldn't handle it anymore so i broke down.

In every grade, there was always a person who was 'invisible'. Sure they were there, they'd go about doing whatever they did everyday, yet noone really notices them. Nicole was one of those people. She was quiet, timid, somewhat introverted and often sat by herself. She was a nice girl, and easily approachable, yet she didn't seem to have very many friends. As the bell rang, she picked up her books and made her way to her next class, SOSE (Study of Society and of the Environment). The previous class had arranged the desks in such a way that they formed a "U" shape around the classroom, with the teachers desk up front. Nicole walked in and sat at the desk closest to the door, towards the front, on the side of the "U". She didn't dare sit in the back, since only the 'cool' kids sat there. She opened up her notebook, and dated it, and sat quietly waiting for the class the begin.

Charlie and Jay were still in the locker room. Charlie and Jay had been mates since 8th grade. In actual honesty, in 8th grade, Jay was a complete loner. He had transferred from a different primary school from most of the other kids. So Jay pretty much knew nobody. Eventually Jay was taken in by Charlie and his group of friends. They've been mates since. Jay was a little bit of a pest at times. He liked to play pranks on his friends, and since he was the shortest and of the smallest build out of this friends, everyone saw him more as a 'little brother' and so despite his annoying antics, they all put up with it.

During lunch break, Jay had gone into Charlies bag and taken out his pencil case, and hid it in his locker. And so when they were supposed to have been in class, Charlie and Jay were still in the locker room, looking for Charlies lost pencil case. "So Charlie, are you sure you didn't leave it in your last class?" asked Jay. "I'm positive!" Charlie exclaimed, with an air of frustration. "You know we're going to be late hey? And it'll all be your fault. You and your silly pencil case!" grinned Jay. "Yeah i know! Shut up already. If i don't find it, im not going to class. I'll just pretned to be sick and go to the sick bay. Now quit your talking and help me find it!" "Alright alright... settle down".

As Charlie went over to the port racks to check if he had dropped his pencil case somewhere, Jay went to his locker, checked to make sure Charlie wasn't looking, and quickly unlocked, took out the pencil case, and locked his locker. He turned around again, and realised Charlie had already seen him. "What are you doing?" inquired Charlie. "Umm.. I was just looking... yeah just looking. Did you find it yet?" Charlie walked over, and snatched his pencil case from Jay. "You little shithead! So it was you the whole time!!" By this time Jay had a sheepish grin across his face that he just couldn't wipe off. "So is this your pencil case? I found it for you!... I swear it wasn't in my locker!" "OUCH!! That really hurt!!" exclaimed Jay as Charlie gave him a friendly punch in the shoulder. "Now come, on, we're already late enough as it is!" said Charlie, as he raced ahead.

By the time the boys got to class, all the 'cool kids' desks had been taken and the only desks free were those adjacent Nicole. "Hurry up boys, get a seat. Your late if you haven't noticed!" boomed Ms Ryan. "Sorry Miss, I had to go get my arm checked out because a 'certain someone' decided that attempting to break my poor little arm was a fun thing to do" replied Jay, jokingly. "You want the other arm broken too?" laughed Charlie as they took a seat. Jay could afford to be a bit of a smart alleck in class and joke around as he was at a good standing with Ms Ryan. In fact Ms Ryan was one of his favourite teachers. And Jay was one of Ms Ryan's favourite students so she was really quite leniant if he didn't do his homework, or came into class late. That's just how it was. Charlie and Jay sat down, beside each other with Jay in the middle between Charlie and Nicole. Nothing intentional, it just happened that way.

Half way through class, Jay got restless, and noticed that Nicole had a stapler shaped like a purple hippo. It looked rather amusing, so without even thinking about it, he reached over and grabbed it, and started playing with it. Nicole looked over at Jay. He smiled back at her. "Thats a really cool stapler. But i'm not sure if hippos are really purple. aren't they more like a ugly blue/grey colour?" Nicole didn't reply, but reached over and grabbed it back off Jay. "Hey! I was playing with that!" exclaimed Jay. "I know, but I want it back!" replied Nicole. "Awww your no fun!"

Since Jay couldn't get the satisfaction of playing with the hippo stapler, he made it his mission for the rest of the class to annoy Nicole as much as possible, to get back at her. It wasn't that Jay wanted to be an asshole or anything - he didn't have any bad motives. All he was trying to do was to get her attention, and possibly the purple hippo back. Noone knew, but Jay secretly sort of liked Nicole. Jay had 'known of' Nicole since 7th grade. She didnt know him though. He only knew her because of a Netball game he went to. We've all heard of the phrase "love at first sight". It was sort of like that except it wasn't so much 'love'. Probably more like "curiousity" at first sight. There was something about Nicole that drew Jay in. He wanted to know more about her. So what about the first 2 years of highschool? Why didn't Jay get to know her then? Well simple. Although Nicole never really had that many friends, she was super tight with the ones she did have, and every time Jay would try to get to know her, she'd shrug him off. Okay well Jay was actually really bad at breaking the ice so it wasn't really all Nicoles fault. But it was like Nicole wasn't really interested, so Jay put 2 and 2 together, and assumed that Nicole simply wasn't into him.

So back in SOSE class, whenever Nicole looked away, Jay would stealthily reach over and grab one of Nicoles assortment of pens and start scribbling with it on his pad, in an attempt to get her to notice. At first she didn't. But he scribbled away even more furiously until she looked over and said "Why are you scribbling all over your page?" "I can if i want to. Its my PEN and my book" "Okay then" "Erhem.. I said its MY PEN?! so i can scribble if i want to" "okay already. i was only asking" "Did you not get the part where i said MY PEN?" "HEY! Thats not your pen! Thats mine. give it back!" "I'll swap it for the hippo then" "No!" "Alright I'll give it back. But can i keep your eraser?" "Hey how'd you get that? I want that back too!"

"Nicole, is there something wrong?" asked Ms Ryan from across the room. Nicole turned to Jay, and gave him a smirk. In his head Jay was thinking "awww please. don't get me in trouble. i was just having a bit of fun" "No miss. I was just asking Jay a question". Relief swept over Jay. "Hey thanks for not dobbing me in. Here you can have it back". "Thankyou".

Then the bell rang to signal the end of class, and the end of the day. Nicole swiftly packed her stuff up and walked out. Jay watched her walk out the door, and through the glass he was certain that Nicole had turned back, and smiled at him. As the two friends walked out of the classroom towards the locker room, Charlie asked "What the hell was all that about before?" "oh nothing. she wouldn't give me the hippo" "what hippo?" "the purple one with metal teeth of course!!" "haha yeah right! You like her don't you?" "No way!!! Besides, shes not my type." "ooooohhh Jay and Nicole sitting in a tree......" "shuttup dude!" "hey stop that!! You punch like a girl you know?" exclaimed Charlie as Jay punched him in the shoulder. "I can also scratch your face off like a girl too if you like" laughed Jay.

The boys got to the lockeroom and packed up their books, grabbed their bags and walked out the school gate. Jay had to go catch a bus where as Charlie got picked up by his mum. "I'll see you tomorrow dude" said Charlie "yeah you too! And remember, double Religion class tomorrow so bring your MP3 player!" called Jay. "Yup no worries. see you dude" "See ya!"

Jay sat at the bus stop by his lonesome as he watched his friends drive pass. It wasn't all bad though, because this was his quiet time.

For a while now Jay had realised that he wasn't the person everyone thought he was. On the outside, he was a happy, cheerful and confident individual, with what seemed to be a rather large group of friends. Everyone seemed to like him, and he really didn't have anyone that he couldn't approach. He never held grudges against anyone and was the type of person who got along with everyone. But deep inside, Jay knew this was all just a front. Within himself, he felt he needed to put up this front - a front to repress what he felt inside, to make it appear as if there were nothing wrong; to hide the guilt, shame and embarrassment. Noone knew.

It was the first day back to highschool, after the mid year break, and Jay made his way to his Maths class. Maths was probably Jay's most hated, yet most liked subject. Jay was a bright student, and breazed through Maths. He liked it because it was he understood it, felt it was logical, and found it easy and saw Maths class as simply a bludge lesson. Yet thats what he hated about it - he'd finish his work early and just sit around day dreaming. Today though, was a different. As the class settled down, Mr Young, the teacher, stood up in front of the class and introduced a new student to the class. Jay looked up, attempted to listen, but then resumed his day dreaming again. Apparently the new guy's name was Brenton? Something along those lines anyway. Brenton must have been new to the school, because Jay had never seen him before.

It was a double period today which meant the lesson was 90 minutes long. An hour into the class, Jay had already completed the assigned work for the day, so he went and asked Mr Young whether he should move onto a new chapter of the textbook. "You've done well today Jay, but I don't want you to get too far ahead of the class, so maybe you can just sit down and relax or do some quiet reading or something" Mr Young explained. "But Sir, I didn't bring a reading book with me," exclaimed Jay. "In that case then, maybe you could help out some of your fellow classmates?" replied Mr Young "Oh perhaps you could give young Brenton over here a hand. He seems to be struggling a bit with the algebra". "Alright, thankyou Sir."

So Jay moved across the room and sat in an empty table beside Brenton. He moved it over so that his desk and Brentons desk were touching. At this point Brenton was looking a little confused, and wondering why this stranger had decided to move in beside him. Jay turned around and introduced himself. "Hey. Im Jay. The teacher told me to come and help you since i've finished my work already. Your Brenton right?" There was a slight pause for a while before Brenton replied "Hi Jay. I don't need any of your help. I'm fine. I know what I'm doing. By the way, the names Brent, NOT Brenton. Geez get my name wrong why don't yah!! So why don't you move along and find someone else to help?" Jay was stunned. Really? Are you for real? Asshole was the first word that immediately came to mind. "Ohh....erm.. I'm really sorry Brent. Sorry to have bothered you. I guess I'll go and help someone else." Just as Jay was about to get up, Brent grabs him by the arm and pulls him back. "Jesus Christ man, I was only joking! Do you take things this serious all the time?". The boys looked at each other and laughed. "I do take things too seriously don't I?" laughed Jay. "Hey I need your help doing these stupid functions. They make zero sense to me. And I don't want to have to finish them off for homework. How about I do you a deal? If you help me finish these questions before the lessons over, I'll let you be my best friend for the day.. How does that sound?" asked Brent. "Keep me company for the last half hour and you've got yourself a deal" replied Jay with a stupid grin on his face.

It wasn't exactly a typical day for Jay. He made a new friend (well even if it was only for a day) and for once he didn't have to act like somebody else. With Brent he just clicked, and conversation just flowed naturally. For the rest of the day they each had different classes, but Jay took the time to show him around the school during the breaks. He also found out that Brent was also in two of his other classes - namely Business Principles and Word Processing. Brent also took the liberty of introducing Jay to two other people who used to go to the same primary school as him. Well it wasn't really an introduction, because Jay already knew these people. Wait thats not right.. Jay knew OF these people, because they were in the same grade, but didn't really know them personally. But thanks to Brent he made 2 more friends.