Empty Spaces

I'm sorry. Sorry for getting everyone worried.

Things have been tough for me lately. My whole life felt like it was crumbling. My non-existent social life, not having someone who i could really connect with, a longing for a soul mate, things turning a bit sour with my housemates, my financial situation, my job hunting, my poor academics, general depression and the effect its having on my health. As a result of depression, I've been having chronic insomnia, hypertension, tiredness and lack of energy, eating issues and loss of appetite, headaches, lack of focus and spurts of restlessness.

The depression I think stems from my very bleak view of life. A sense of hopelessness and worthlessness. I keep imagining my future - working in a job that i probably wont like, and doing the whole 8-4 thing, acting happy and confident, pretending i have friends while really i don't have anyone i can connect with or am close to. And then i picture myself doing that for the rest of my life. Being LONELY for the rest of my life. And so i have this craving, an obcession even, to find a soul mate. Someone who understands me. Someone who i can trust. Someone who i can understand and trust. Right now I don't have ANYONE (in real life as opposed to cyberspace) who I can really talk to. I don't have anything in common with any of my real life friends and I just find that I just can't connect with them. We can go out and do things, but at the end of the day, people end up clinging to those who they share a common bond with, so i usually end up by myself. My longing to find someone i could connect with was part of the reason for my sort of obcession with TN. But I know nothings ever going to happen because he gives me hope that some sort of decent friendship would ever happen, and then he takes it all back again. It makes me feel that I'm not worthy to be with anyone. To be anyones friend. AM i really that bad of a person that he doesn't want anything to do with me? It's lead to me doubting myself all the time. Thinking that I'm not good enough. That I'm worthless.I have confidence issues. MAJOR confidence issues.

My job hunting isn't going very well either. I'm supposed to be graduating from uni at the end of the year. I've applied for every internship and graduate position that I've known of and day after day all i get is a rejection email. Not even a personal one, but a mass emailed rejection. And the only other time that I thought i had any sort of a chance, I was called up on the last hour, of the very last day, and told that although i scored highly in the interview, that i scored highly in the group excercise, that i scored highly in the individual test, that ultimately, my degree type was the wrong one for them and that they can't see a position for me. I was the last person that they called that week. They said i was a tough one to decided. But still in the end, it was another rejection. The HR manager mentioned that the other supervisors noticed that i wasn't as outgoing as the other candidates.

What gets me down is that because of my confidence issues, I'm not a very outgoing person. I don't do well in large group settings. And a lot of these job interviews you really have to be confident and sell yourself. Do you see a dilemma here? I have such low self esteem, self-worth and confidence that I just can't do this. I just can't talk about how good I am, and how much of an asset i'd be to the company if I don't personally believe that myself. I've had a bit of a pessimistic attitude recently and no matter how hard i try, i can't seem to shake it off. I can't seem to see myself for what im worth.

Another aspect about the rejections i've been getting have been partly because of my poor academics. Every semester i tell myself this is going to be my best one. But it goes downhill everytime. I've really got noone to blame but myself. I don't spend nearly enough time studying, and when I do I can't focus. My mind wanders, and I keep bringing up things, like how i wish i had someone with me. During the week, I look forward to the weekends, thinking that this weekend i'll be doing something fun with my friends. Only to find out that either everyone is busy, they don't' feel like it or on some occassions have already planned something and not invited me. So i crawl back into my bed and spend my weekend depressed in my room. I've lost all motivation to study. I don't look forward to anything anymore. I don't look forward to my weekends, because to me,weekends=depressed. Yet i don't look forward to the week either, because during the week I'm at uni, alone. I see people at uni, sitting and chatting with friends. Out on the grass having fun. In the food courts having lunch as a group. People studying together. I wish i had that. I really do. It really kills me inside that I've got noone who does the same degree as me that i can study with. Noone who i can hang out with at uni whenever i have my breaks. I spend my days at uni either in class or in the library by myself. Some days I go the entire day without speaking to anyone. All the while i should be studying, I have these thoughts running through my head, and any attempt to learn is futile, as nothing stays in my head. I end up wasting away my days and not learning anything. Just yesterday I failed an exam. it was worth 45%. It makes me sad knowing that once, i was getting High Distinctions and Distinctions and now I'm barely scraping a pass.

At home, things aren't any better. My sister and my other housemate have been a bit sour towards me. I've been doing some irrational things. I don't have a job atm, so I'm living off whatever my parents are giving me. I don't come from a wealthy family. I wouldn't even say we were middle class. We're just getting by. With what money my parents give me, I usually help out with the bills and groceries, while my sister who studies and works, pays for the biggest expense, rent. A few days ago I had an argument with my sister about my financial situation. Mum had called her up and apparently told my sister that she was doing it tough trying to make enough money to support me. My sister got annoyed that mum was telling her this instead of calling me up and telling me. She said I was lazy and needed to get a job, and that mum should stop giving me money since they're doing it tough at home as well. After the phone call I asked my sister what was said and she got angry with me, and told me that I need to stop being a lazy prick and contribute. For me to get a job. I explained to her that I have tried. Many times and not had any success. But she didn't believe me. ANd this is when my other housemate came in and supported my sister, telling me that I'm only making excuses and that If other uni students can find a job, then so can I and that I needed to pull my head out. After that argument, I felt so bad. I was angry that noone believed my attempts at find work, noone supported me. I had noone there for me. They also told me that i needed to stop wasting money on things of no importance - referring to how i had spent some money on a camera, and on my wii. But you know what? I bought those things to keep me sane. To keep myself from having all these depressive thoughts. To take me out of my miser for a little while so I can have some sort of peace of mind. And those irrational things i've been doing - cleaning the house excessively, spending far too much time in the kitchen cooking/cleaning. Again i do those things to take my mind off other issues. But they don't know that. My housemates don't know what I'm going through. They don't know i have depression, and that even when i say i'm gong to bed, i don't end up sleeping until almost morning. They don't know that i'm not straight, and they say a lot of things that upset me greatly. They don't understand how lonely i am. I have no friends. Both my sister and my housemate have partners. They do things together as couples all the time. Movies, restuarants, going out to the city etc. And in the meantime, i watch on as they all have joy in their lives. They all have someone to cuddle, to be with, to talk to. I have noone. I sit in my room and cry.

I feel so bad that i have to hide my sexuality from everyone. I can't go out and make friends because it's somethign thats always in my mind. I don't know what they'd think of me if they knew the truth. I can't go out and make friends with other people like me, because then I'd raise suspicion. I feel so trapped. I so scared that my family will find out. I don't have the courage to tell them. I don't think they will take it well. I don't want to lose them. If i lose my family, i have NOONE. I'm afraid of how people will judge me if they knew the truth. I'm afraid that the group of 'friends' i have now will think I had lied to them the whole time. I'm afraid of how my family will judge me. I'm afraid that if i did come out to them, that later down the track I find out that that's really not what I wanted. It's a big commitment and right now I don't feel like i can commit. I've got too much to lose, but at the same time, I really DON'T have anything to lose at all. I still haven't accepted myself yet.

All these thoughts, feelings and emotions have made me depressed so much that I'm physically suffering. I have chronic insomnia and no matter how tired I am, i just can't get to sleep. It sounds so silly but I end up crying most nights. I can never wake up feeling refreshed. I've had to go out and buy a blood pressure monitor just so i can try to control my hypertension. The last reading i took was 158/99 with a pulse rate of 132. My doctor knows im suffering from hypertension and insomnia, but refuses to give me medication because he thinks im too young to be taking medication for hypertension and he doesn't want to get me addicted to sleeping tablets, especially after i ended up in hospital once from the tablets he gave me. My general lack of energy is also leading to easting disorders. I end up eating at odd times, losing my appetite a lot even when im starving. And when i do eat, i end up either vomiting or feeling really bloated and uncomfortable. It doesn't help my appetite either when my housemates are both health junkies and eat things like wholegrains, brown rice, wholemeal pasta, soy milk etc which i just CAN'T learn to like. These things they buy aren't usually cheap so I feel like i just have to go with what they're eating other wise if i get my own set of groceries, our bill is just going to skyrocket not to mention the waste of food if i don't finish eating what i bought since neither of them touch the things i would buy. So many days, I don't eat. I don't have breakfast. I don't have lunch. Sometimes when I'm at uni, i'll buy something from the refect, but still, I lose my appetite and don't really feel like eating anything. Then by the time i get home my stomach would be growling and i'd be feeling quite weak. When i make dinner, my housemates don't eat because they believe my food is 'unhealthy'. So i have to let them make dinner, and since they're health junkies they'd make somethign that is completely unappealing to me, and because of my appetite problems, i'd only end up having a few bites, and feeling hungry for the rest of the night. I end up drinking far too much to offset my lack of eating. The tap water in our unit is really foul tasting so I usually buy bottled water or juice, or those flavoured waters. Despite all this, i still find myself gaining weight! Since the start of 2009, i've gained almost 5kgs!! My sister has scolded me so many times telling me that I should stop eating crap. I told her that the problem wasn't because i ate 'crap' (crap refers to normal milk, butter, white bread, normal pasta, meat etc) but because i didn't EAT in the first place. I told her that there's nothing in the pantry that I feel like eating. She then got annoyed at me and told me that if I don't want to eat that stuff then i should just go out and buy my own food. But I can't, because if i did, we'd spend way too much money, and having two sets of food in the house just isn't economical, especially since her and my other housemate won't eat anything i make. It just doesn't make sense. So I told her that because of their lifestyle, I felt that i've had to compromised my own diet in order to be able to not run into financial problems. My sister got angry with me and said that Im using her and my housemate as scapegoats and that any health problems arising are my own fault. This really upsets me because thats not what i intended at all.

Although she's my sister, I'm emotionally distant from her. In fact, i'm not close to anyone in my family at all. I feel i can't talk to anyone about anything. I've got two younger brothers. My younger brother (not the youngest) is a bit of a rebel, and has always been difficult at home. He does what he feels like, despite my parents rejections. He forges his own path regardless of the others around him. Whereas I tended to be far too obedient. :-( i wish i had the strength and courage of my brother. But theres a reason why I am the way I am. When i was a child, my dad had always favoured my rebel brother. My dad accused me of being a bastard child that my mum had from an affair. He said i was a dumb and stupid child - i couldn't talk until i was 3, and anythign that was given to me, toys etc, i would end up breaking them apart. So he just stopped buying me things. I recall when i was about 4 or 5, he bought my brother a rather expensive remote control car. For me all he got was a small matchbox car. He would take my brother and they'd go and play with the remote control car, while i stayed behind. I was only a child then, but I was so upset, and felt so unloved. Eventually i realised that I was able to get more of my dads attention if I obeyed his every command, and did everythign he asked of me. It was only when he realised that he didn't have 100% control over my brother that he started giving me attention. If i wanted to go out somewhere, and he said no, that was the final answer. I just didn't go out. If i wanted something and he didn't approve of it, that was the final answer. I obeyed every word he said as if he were some sort of God. Because i knew that unless i did, I wouldn't get any of his attention or love. My other siblings have repeatedly told me that i'm the 'favourite' child in the family and that I get anything that i want. But they have no idea what i've had to go through. They have no idea what i've had to sacrifice for things to be this way. And my parents don't seem to understand that giving me material posccessions does not necessarily equate to love. Even to this day, my dad uses me as a reason for his 'suffering' - how him and mum have to do hard labour every day so that they can support me. Would it not hurt anyone to be told that they are a burden? So now that we've established that among my other problems, I'm also a burden. My youngest brother has had it easy his whole life. He's never had to step up and take charge of anything. He's always had everything he wanted handed down to him. The other day my sister asked him who he looks up to, and he replied that he looks up to my rebel brother. She asked him why and why doesn't he look up to me, as i'm a good role model since i'm intelligent, kind, obedient and that im at uni. He told her that he doesn't see me as a role model because im a 'fag' and that im 'uncool', 'nerdy' and a 'sissy'. That really really hurt me like nothing before. I felt as if I had been stabbed in the heart multiple times and left to bleed. Did he not realise how much I sacrificed in the past taking care of him while my parents were at work, having to skip school to look after him. I tried to give him the upbringing that my parents never gave me. And this is what i get for everything i've done for him. It only reaffirms to me who worthless i really am, and what my family would think of me.

Taking everything into considering, it's no suprise that i've actually contemplated suicide so many times. I've thought about how fragile life really is and how it could be ended so easily. How my suffering could be instantaneously erased. But then I think about how absurd suidcide was, and that all my problems and issues are all so petty. That they were all insignificant. There are people in this world, fighting, struggling, doing all they can to survive. And here i am rubbing it all in their faces by even thinking of taking my own life.

I'm really mentally unstable. I get swayed so easily by little things that happen. I take everything far too personally and literally. My mind is unsteady.

The last few days, I've been so depressed, anxious and stressed out about everything. So much that its manifested into my dreams. I keep having recurrent dreams about the same issue. Two dreams that were especially provoking included one in which i had a massive argument with my sister, and ended up losing it (im usually very calm and very non-violent) and smashing a whole heap of things. She then went and told my mum that i had completely lost it. I tried to explain the situation to mum, and how i've been depressed and how i've come so close to attempting suicide. But she laughed at me and told me that I need to harden up and that if im really that weak that i want to kill myself, then go right ahead. She didn't even offer me any support at all. I was so gutted that i grabbed the knife and stabbed myself in the chest several times in front of her, in front of my sister and my entire family. I really thought this was the end and that i wouldn't have to suffer any more. And then I woke up.

In the other dream, i dreamt i was back at home. I was in my room when my family walked in. They all stood there looking at me, with faces of despair, horror and disgust. I saw my little brother at the door, smirking at me, almost laughing, and pointing his finger at me. My dad, red faced and all, came to me and asked me if i was gay. I asked him would it really matter so much to him if i was? I never answered his question but he immediate broke into tears. NOT ONCE in my life have i ever seen him cry. He was angry and distraught and yelled at me, and told me that he never wanted to have anything to do with me ever again. He didn't want to see me, he didn't want me there in his house. I was so shocked i started crying. I saw mum crying too so i asked her for her support. I told her i needed her, and that It wasn't my fault that i was this way. It was just who i am and that i couldn't change who i was. Instead of being there for me, she screamed out me. She told me she didn't love me, and that they all hated me and wanted me gone. I cried so hard, that i woke up panting with tears rolling down my face.

I'm afraid of going to sleep. Im scared that i have to relive these moments all over again in my dreams.



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Im so sorry I got you guys worried - BaS, Ron, Ben. I've just been really down recently. I'm slightly better now that i've got my assignments and exams out of the way. When i did my last post, i had an argument with my sister, and i also learnt about what my little brother thought of me. I just couldn't handle it anymore so i broke down.