Empty Spaces

This emotional pain is hurting me so much to the point that its now physical pain. And I don't know what to do about it. I feel so alone. I want to reach out so badly to someone, but Im so afraid about what they might think of me. I'm so afraid about how much of a burden I'll be on them.. So i trek it out alone. I just want to be loved. I just want to be held tight, and told that it's going to be alright. A little bit of reassurance. I want out.

Im doing all I can to try and take a step forward. An attempt to move my life forward from this slump. But I'm finding that it is so difficult, and all I feel is anxiousness, fear, doubt and uneasiness. As part of trying to advance from this point, I'm working on several job applications that I will submit soon. However, having been subject to immense negativity, and basically being torn apart and made to feel so low and so worthless by those people around me and by the people I love, I have absolutely no self-esteem, self-worth or self-confidence. Every single detail I state on my CV, I feel is untrue. Every single statement I make, in support of my character and abilities, feels hollow. As a direct result of a constant barrage of personal and emotional attacks, and judgement of my character, I'm led to believe that I am truly unworthy. I am shrouded in doubt and self-deprecation. It makes me physically sick. I am truly at a stage where I genuinely believe that I am nothing. There is nothing good about me, there is nothing of value, and there is absolutely nothing I have to offer anyone. There is a button in front of me, 6 letters, spelling out "SUBMIT". I am terrified beyond belief. I'm sitting here, staring at it. I've become nauseous, and I want to vomit. Thoughts in my head run rampant. A voice in my head repeats all the words that have been used to describe me. "Unaccomplished, worthless, good for nothing, rebellious, ungrateful, inconsiderate, selfish, unsuccessful, lacking, mentally insane, dreamer, failure..." In the end, I close my browser, and justify the decision to myself; "It's going to be alright. You made the right choice. You wouldn't have made it anyway. You don't have what it takes. Better to quit while you're ahead, instead of setting yourself up for failure".

I'm burning up inside, and it hurts more than anyone could imagine. And to think the only thing that I really needed was a little bit of assurance, love and compassion. Something to live for. I have no drive or passion left in me. Emptiness. Life has been taken away from me, and in its place I am chained down to a burden of guilt and responsibility.

Have you wanted to tell someone something so badly that it hurts? But you know that such actions would be futile, and nothing will ever come of it. It cuts so deeply.

Im living in a world of my own. I watch the sands of time deplete. Chained down, I begin to think resistance is futile. I long for a loving embrace. So many things I want. But I seemingly do nothing about. I want, I NEED a reason. Even just a spark, enough to get my fire started. But in this penetrating environment of icy cold darkness, this void, there will be no spark.

I think somewhere along this thing we called life, I have forgotten about how it feels to be happy. I have forgotten HOW to be happy. I am unable to comprehend what happiness is.

Everything that would lead me to what I would believe to be happiness, has been taken away from me, and pulled out of reach. Instead I am given an ultimatum. And so I face a major dilemma.

It's a constant battle everyday against the darkness inside that claws at me. I put on a 'happy' mask to front the world, not really knowing what 'happiness' is or what it's supposed to feel like. Not understanding. Not wanting to reveal the emptiness inside. The pain is unbearable.

I have come to a point in this thing called life, when the only thing I know for certain that I want, and I know for certain would be the quickest way to happiness or what I know of it, is death. The thought swirls in my head. It tempts me. It tells me about how all my suffering can end. It can vanquish all my emotional turmoil. Death disguises itself as happiness, and right now, at this very moment, that is all I want. To be happy.