Empty Spaces

Im doing all I can to try and take a step forward. An attempt to move my life forward from this slump. But I'm finding that it is so difficult, and all I feel is anxiousness, fear, doubt and uneasiness. As part of trying to advance from this point, I'm working on several job applications that I will submit soon. However, having been subject to immense negativity, and basically being torn apart and made to feel so low and so worthless by those people around me and by the people I love, I have absolutely no self-esteem, self-worth or self-confidence. Every single detail I state on my CV, I feel is untrue. Every single statement I make, in support of my character and abilities, feels hollow. As a direct result of a constant barrage of personal and emotional attacks, and judgement of my character, I'm led to believe that I am truly unworthy. I am shrouded in doubt and self-deprecation. It makes me physically sick. I am truly at a stage where I genuinely believe that I am nothing. There is nothing good about me, there is nothing of value, and there is absolutely nothing I have to offer anyone. There is a button in front of me, 6 letters, spelling out "SUBMIT". I am terrified beyond belief. I'm sitting here, staring at it. I've become nauseous, and I want to vomit. Thoughts in my head run rampant. A voice in my head repeats all the words that have been used to describe me. "Unaccomplished, worthless, good for nothing, rebellious, ungrateful, inconsiderate, selfish, unsuccessful, lacking, mentally insane, dreamer, failure..." In the end, I close my browser, and justify the decision to myself; "It's going to be alright. You made the right choice. You wouldn't have made it anyway. You don't have what it takes. Better to quit while you're ahead, instead of setting yourself up for failure".

I'm burning up inside, and it hurts more than anyone could imagine. And to think the only thing that I really needed was a little bit of assurance, love and compassion. Something to live for. I have no drive or passion left in me. Emptiness. Life has been taken away from me, and in its place I am chained down to a burden of guilt and responsibility.

Have you wanted to tell someone something so badly that it hurts? But you know that such actions would be futile, and nothing will ever come of it. It cuts so deeply.

Im living in a world of my own. I watch the sands of time deplete. Chained down, I begin to think resistance is futile. I long for a loving embrace. So many things I want. But I seemingly do nothing about. I want, I NEED a reason. Even just a spark, enough to get my fire started. But in this penetrating environment of icy cold darkness, this void, there will be no spark.