Empty Spaces

So this day has reared itself around again, and I'm not sure whether or not I should be happy about it. I guess I should start with the positives first. I am happy for today, because I turn 25, 25 years on this glorious planet, 25 years worth of life experiences, friends and relationships, a roller coaster of emotions, and lastly 25 long gruelling years of self discovery. And yet I keep thinking that I still haven't progressed much further from where I initially started. Sometimes I can't help but think that perhaps it would have been better off If i had not have been born at all.

Now onwards we march towards the negatives, donning our suits of shining armour. Today serves to remind me about how much of a failure I am. It reminds me about how my life has come to a screeching halt with absolutely nowhere else to go. After 25 years I still haven't been able to accept and embrace who I am, and learn to love myself. I'm bound down by the chains and shackles of guilt, shame and obligation. Its hard to watch life go on around me. I see people I've known who are my age partnering up, settling down and having families, some progressing further upwards in their careers, people who are financially independent, people who are free to live their lives.

And I look at that, and blow out the candles on my imaginary cake and wish that I had that. I wish I could accept and embrace who I am. I wish I could learn to love myself and stop with the insecurities and self hatred. I wish I didnt have to hide who I am. I need consolidation and closure. I wish I had a partner who I could love sincerely, give all of myself to, and share my life with. I wish for the opportunity for a career in a field I could enjoy. I wish that I could be more financially responsible. I wish I could break free and start living life.

But we all know wishes aren't real. So for today I'll again be alone. Going about doing the same things I do every other day. Fighting back the tears, wiping my eyes dry, and laying back in bed hoping to get some more rest before I have to get up for the day.

no not really.

Havent been on here for a while. For many reasons. For none at all. Partly because coming on here means that more often than not i will have a problem or an issue. I dont want to have a problem or an issue so i stopped coming here hoping that said problem or issue will just dissappear. And if it doesn't dissappear, i'll just pretend that i never had a problem or issue in the first place. Because if i just hide it inside and pretend it doesnt exist, then it doesnt exist right?

A lot of things have happened since the last time i wrote a proper post. Many things have changed. Some for the better some for the worse. The things around me have changed and my circumstances have changed. Yet the feeling within me is more or less the same. The void and the darkness is still there.

This existence still feels empty and pointless. I try too hard to find meaning in my life. What if life doesn't actually have a meaning at all?

So...
1) Graduated
2) Meltdown
3) Lost
4) Relocated
5) Disconnected
6) Reconnected
7) Confusion
8) Frustration
9) Depression

Thats life so far.




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Light1

I've been phasing in and out of behaviours of irrationality, apathy and depression these last few weeks. I've stopped taking my medication. I honestly cant remember the last time i took them. And i've also stopped seeing my psychologist.

Theres been a few developments in life recently. I dont know if i've written about this, but I've come out to a few people at work. After Nick, I came out to J. After J, i came out to S, and then D, and just tonight, J revealed it to B.

J, B and D are also gay, so i guess in a way i was slightly more comfortable with letting them in on it.

For a while I felt a bit like Nick and i were becoming a bit distant. With my busy work schedule, lack of sleep and general exhaustion, a lot of small things really affect my mood, causing me to fall in and out of a dark void. Certain things that are said by others, certain actions and behaviours often triggered somethign within me and i'd fall into a depressive spiral.

Thats usually when apathy, carelessness and irrationality begins. I came out to D as a result. I told him one night when we were alone, because I hated the feeling of loneliness that was in me. I just didnt really care and just told him.

J and I have been spending a lot more time with each other since i came out to him.

Im so tired right now that i dont even think straight and write out anything coherently or in any logical order. Im just kind of brain dumping at the moment.

I feel really alone.
I want to have someone of my own.
I feel a great sense of loss when someone who i feel close to becomes what i feel to be distant.
There is a sense of jealousy when someone im close to becomes involved with someone else. I feel like that other person is taking away a part of me.
Maybe im being too clingy.
Perhaps i bond to people too quickly then what they can reciprocate.
Im really messed up right now.

A random guy messaged me on a website where i have a profile, and said they were interested. I asked what their intentions were, and it was purely for no strings attached physical relations. Without too much thought i agreed to it. But now im starting to think i made a wrong choice. What i want, and what that person wants are two different things. But im giving that person what he wants, in the hopes that i'd get what i want back.

Im starting to worry that im falling back into the same situation as what happened more than 2 years ago. As much as i wish i was, I am still have not gotten over what happened back then, and it still affects me so much today. Everythign from my own self esteem to how i interact with other people.

Im so messed up atm.

I can't gather my thoughts in order to be able to write a structured blog post so im just going to leave it at this.

I just need and want someone so badly. I can't shake this feeling.

So.. life and stuff right, not much has really happened yet at the same time theres been quite a bit happening. I've been so busy lately that i haven't really had time to write about any of these things.

Where to begin...

I've been working a whole lot lately. Im only a casual employee with no real set hours and im usually on call, but for nearly the past three months i've been working pretty much 38 hour weeks in addition to still having classes at uni. My shifts have been pretty sporadic, and a lot of them are split between the day. For example i'd have a 4 or 5 hour shift early in the morning (6am etc) and then i'd have another shift later that afternoon/night from about 5pm to 11pm and I wont usually get home until midnight, where i'd then have to get back up again early in the morning to start my morning shift again. The routine is really quite arduous and as a result i barely have to do anything else. Sometimes i dont really even have time to eat. Go to work, come back home, sleep for a few hours, get back up to do my night shift, get home, sleep, wakeup, go back to work for my morning shift, and repeat. 6 days a week.

At work I've kind of assumed the role of second in charge of my department, and as a result my workload is pretty big and the whole time im there im running around like a mad man trying to get everythign done. My job is pretty physically intensive, lifting lots of pretty heavey crates and stuff. There are times when i actually think im doing more than the department manager himself. I pretty much am trained to be able to run the department, so if my manager left tomorrow, I'd be able to take over. Speaking of 'taking over' theres somethign that I'm also going to mention but maybe a bit later in the post.

In the store i work at, there are several different departments, and out of the 7 departments, i've worked in 6 of them, and 3 on a regular basis. I get shifts from all 3 departments which means my work schedule is really full on. I hardly get time to go out, see friends etc anymore.

Work has been my escape from life pretty much. I use it as a way to forget about everything that is going on. I've been so busy with work in fact that I haven't seen my counsellors since the last time i wrote about it. I've been on and off with my meds. I know its not good but i just really can't stand having to be on drugs all the time.

Work has also become my social life. I go to work especially in the hopes that i'll get to see nick. being in different departments from him now, i dont really get that much of a chance to talk to him anymore but getting to see him once or twice a week makes me happy. The time i've known him i've learnt so much from him. I really like him and he knows that i like him. There are a few other colleages that i've become close to too. One of them is this really cute gay boy. We'll call him Jake.

The first shift Jake ever worked, the moment i saw him, i just had this feeling that he might be gay. I got to know him a bit more, and we talked a bit, but he never told me he was gay. It was weird because he had told Nick and another colleague, which we'll call Sal. I was talking to Sal and Nick and they both said Jake had said he was gay. But i decided I'd ask him for myself because i'd rather hear it from him. So when we were alone, i asked him, and he told me he was, and asked if i was bothered by his homosexualness. I told him i was fine with it.

He then proceeded to tell Sal later that i had asked him if he was gay, and insinuated to Sal that perhaps i was gay too and that i liked him. Sal told me this afterwork. in a way i was kind of annoyed because now he had planted this seed in sal's head, which would make her start questioning whether or not i was gay.

During my absence from their departmnet, Sal and nick had become quite close and were spending more time together. I guess i was a little jealous in a way because I felt like i was missing out being with nick. And whenever i was with them, sal was always there so i felt a bit like the third wheel. The situation was a little bit awkward.

One morning Jake and I were alone, and i dont know what i was thinking, but i came out to him. He wasn't all too surprised, and told me he was actually just waiting to see if i would actually tell him anytime soon. I told him to keep it hush because noone else knew, except for nick.

Jake is so bad at keeping secrets tho, because the other day, Jake sal and i were in the staff room and jake brought up a previous conversation that him and I had, which made it sooo extremely obvious to Sal. I just went quiet and tried to divert the covnersation elsewhere. After that, when we were alone i asked him why he had to make it so obvious to Sal, when i had told him that noone else knew and that i didnt want anyone else to know. His reply was "oh i thought she knew already!?". >.<

In a way he had already planted the seed in Sal's head, and now he's unintentionally let it slip. I knew that Sal probably already knew so that night i ended up telling sal too. So now i've officially come out to 3 people, nick, sal and jake.

Jake keeps asking me why im so afraid of having people know, and that i should embrace it and be happy, but somethign this personal to me, i just feel like its not something to just through around openly like he does. Hes a lot more accepting of himself, probably more so then i am. I tend to keep personal issues closely guarded and only really tell people i've gained an understanding and trusting relationship with.

Why did i tell jake then? stupid of me, but it was because i kind of had a bit of a crush on him, and thought that maybe because he was gay as well that perhaps it would be good to have a gay friend IRL. We've still got to work on things between us two.

Now back to that work thing before that i said i would mention. I had my palm read and although i dont usually believe in horoscopes and fortunes etc, this reading that i got really did make me think twice.

"your life line is long and prominent.however your patience signature has been tried many times. something is troubling you, but you will overcome it in time. in the very near future, you will have an opportunity to rearrange your schedule. make a wise choice, and your time spent will be worthwhile."

It seemed so perfectly fitting to my life.

At the time, i was unsure of what the last part really meant. An opportunity to rearrange your schedule. That was until the other day my store manager offered me a management contract. He wanted me to become the department manager of my department. As a result of this contract, i would have guaranteed hours, and no more of those horrid split shifts anymore. I would simply be working 6am to 2pm 6 days a week. No more late nights.

I thought about this offer, and i talked to a few people about it, but in the end, i turned it down. my reasons were:
- greater responsibility
- less flexibility
- with the change in schedule, i wont see nick anymore. or sal or jake.
- a lower pay then what im currently already getting working my sporadic schedule.

In a way, some might say it could have been an irrational decision because i based the decision mainly on the fact that i wouldn't get to see nick anymore. But at this time, i just feel like i've made the right decision.

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In other news, i've also started being a bit more social. Hanging out more with my friends. Lately we've been attempting to all meet up as a group at least once every 2 weeks. Even if its just for dinner, or a movie or something.

Last night we went out bar hopping/clubbing. And while at a club dancing, i saw this reallly cute guy dancing with only another male friend of his. Im always usually really shy and avoid eyecontact, but last night was different. I stared at him. And he saw me staring at him, and we both kept exchanging glances. We both kind of danced around each other and we'd occasionally bump and touch each other. It was a really weird feeling, because i just wanted him so bad. Like i just wanted to touch him, and make out with him. The whole night i kept looking at him and dancing with him, while at the same time trying to remain discreet so my friends wouldn't realise.

I also kind of saw that perhaps my friends wouldn't mind so much if i ever told them i was gay. Its kind of a running joke now that me and hayden are lovers. we held hands and hugged each other a few times that night, and one time my friends even pushed our faces together and made us kiss. one of them remarked that we were a cute couple. lol.

but i dont know. things could be that way atm just because they probably all see it as a joke, and maybe they would change the way they see me if i did actually tell them i was gay.

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so yeah... thats life so far. its been a bit of a rollercoaster ride. Some highs and some lows.

i'll try and make more time to keep my journal updated.

btw guys thanks for the comments. sorry if i dont reply back. doesn't mean i dont appreciate them. Im just a bit busy thats all..

<3 much love.

I've had the worst weekend :-(. I still feel a bit down from the other night, and on top of that I just feel so exhausted physically. I've had the hardest time trying to sleep. I never seem to be able to wake up refreshed.

I had a dream last night. I woke up in a funeral hall, and the dead people rose from their eternal slumber. They were all weilding weapons, mainly blades of all sorts. I tried to turn on the lights but the lights wouldnt' work. These Zombie corpses came at me from all directions and did everything in their power to put me into an eternal sleep. No matter what I did, they just never seemed to die even after stabbing and wounding them.

And then THEY came. From the skies they did. And with a watchful eye over the world, they controlled my every move. And the moment I deviated from their plans they had for me, the skies would literally come crashing down on top of me.

I somehow reached a place, where there seemed to be a warp zone where multiple versions of reality merge. I see multiple versions of myself. But we all knew that only one of us will be able to pass through that point. once passed that point, history can repeat itself, and time can rewind itself back to that merging point. If my future doesn't turn out as i had wanted, i find myself back at the warp zone, with multiple versions of myself. Only one of us may proceed again into the future, while the rest of us are obliterated by THEM.

I just know that I'll never be able to have a fulfilling life or future, and so I did something really stupid that i wont mention. I put my life at risk because I just did not care anymore. And i said goodbye to my clones and told them to not be what i was. And then i cried as i watched and waited for THEM.

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I try so hard and i search in every possible place and way I can, but I can never find him again. I wish he would come back. Theres a huge void he left in me when he left me, and now all i feel is darkness.

Earlier tonight i was just freakin emo and depressed. I mean it wasn't even over anything worth being emo over, but i just was. Fuck. Im so fuckin selfish n needy, always thinking of myself and i just take and take and never seem to be able to give back. I just hate myself sometimes soo much.

I may have outed myself to a friend as well. I was talking to him and telling him how i felt crap, and he asked me if i would explain it a bit more for him. So i did, except i witheld a fair bit of information. He then said to me that i was acting strange and evasive, and that he could read between the lines, and that he wasn't going to speculate. He said that he knew i was deliberately witholding information from him, despite my poor excuses, and that if I had wanted to tell him i would have. We left the conversation at that and changed the topic.

:-( I need to take my medication. I've been bad. But i jsut hate it. It just doesn't seem right that i have to take medication to stay happy or at least emotionally and mentally level.

urgh. i need to sleep.

Its 5:12am in the morning. I went to bed at around 2am. Im up and awake. Seriously, I've had the worst 3 hours, laying in bed, with everything, with nothing, running through my head. Laying there tossing and turning trying to fall asleep. Drifting in and out of sleep. Fading in and out of a dream world and the real world.

In those 3 hours, I had an epiphany.

At work just a few hours before that, Nick had asked to use my phone to text one of his friends, since he had run out of credit on his phone. Knowing me, and after a past incident, I NEVER let anyone touch my phone or my computer. But just this once, I let him, trusting that he would not violate my personal privacy by going through my messages or looking through my phone.

I get nervous whenever anyone asks to use my phone or computer. I get anxious that they'll accidentally open up a message or a bookmark that would ultimately spill the secret that i've held so close to me.

I was in bed when i got several messages come through on my phone. THey were from Nick. He was asking of a huge favor of me. He needed a place to stay, just for the night. So I agreed, and replied back and told him he could stay on the sofa for the night, and sent him my address.

When nick arrived, there was someone with him. A female friend of his. We had never agreed to this, but apparently she also needed a place to stay. Reluctantly I agreed that she could also stay, and pretty soon we all ended up on the fold out bed just chatting. I was on the far left side, Nick was in the middle, and his friend was on the far right side of the rather small and uncomfortable fold out bed. It was getting late so we decided to turn out the lights. Just as the lights were turned out, nick realised he needed to grab something that was laying on the ground beside the bed. He sort of tried to cross over me, but somehow ended up with his arms around me and spooning me.

I turned around and faced him, and asked him what he was doing. He didn't say anything, but i could imagine him smiling back at me in the dark. We kissed. One thing led to another and what originally was a 'twosome' became a 'threesome' with his friend joining in.

It was an intense feeling, being able to be with nick. Although it was quite a sexual situation, the feelings I had, really had nothign to do with lust or pleasure. I felt safe with nick. Secure. A feeling of worth, and love. The feeling that i was no longer alone. I guess you could say it made me feel complete.

Nicks friend persistently tried to get in on the action with me, but I kept pushing her away, and focusing on Nick. I had never felt this way about women before. It just felt so surreal. I have always been alright with seeing female in the nude and the thought of having sex with a female had never bothered me at all in the past, sometimes it actually turned me on. But tonight, I felt something that I had never felt before. I felt an immense repulsion towards her advances on me. I was happy with where i was with Nick, and I didn't want her to come between us. I was complete and didn't need a third.

After that Nick whispered in my ear, and asked me to keep this between the two of us. I promised him.

For some reason we all ended up in a room. My sister was in the room, as well as my younger brother, in addition to nick, his friend, and another two guys who i didn't know. There was idle conversation in the room when one of the guys mentioned Nick and I. I glanced over to Nick, and he gave me a disapproving look, as if to tell me not to say anything. Just before I could answer, my sister turned to me, and asked me "Is there something you want to tell me?" The random guy who had just asked about Nick and I chipped in with "Oh you know, it was so obvious."

"Why are you asking me this?" i answered, in response to both my sisters question and to random guy. "Because i dont want this to go on anymore. Im sick of all the lies and the fights and the trouble" my sister answered. All eyes were on me at this point, and i felt so under pressure and so vulnerable like i've never been before. My eyes started filling with tears, but I held them back, and tried to act as if none of this was true. I wouldn't look anyone in the eyes and I started talkinga bout something else that was completely unrelated. Yet everyone still had their eyes on me, waiting for my reply. So close to tears i was, and so close to just bursting. A million things were running through my mind and i was tryign to stay calm, making up a list of pros and cons in my head and tryign to assess the situation to try and find some way out or at least some sort of damage control.

Then my brother, who had not said a word until this point looked over at me, and said to me, "you know, they're right. You've always been so scared of trouble. Scared of what people say and always wanting to avoid having to deal with the truth, so you tell people what they want to hear".

Those words echoed in my mind. I didn't want to agree with what he was saying, but i realised that everything he said was 100% true. And it took him to tell me to make me realise.

Theres a show called 'Skins' that focuses of the life of a bunch of teenagers and goes through the issues that each character faces. In the current season, theres a Character called Grace. Of all the characters that have been on the show, she bears the most similarity to me. In her words "...I am, who i need to be". That was her response to someone telling her that she has a fake personality and is a different person around different people. Essentially, her life is my life in that respect. I am who i need to be. I am a different person around different people, and i Mould myself around others and their thoughts and opinions. Never having an opinion or view of my own, but agreeing with others, even if i dont feel the same way they do. Not wanting to cause any friction or trouble. Willing to sacrifice my own freedom of thought in order to avoid conflict and confrontation.

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Its odd that the most powerful messages are conveyed to me through my dreams.

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I have an appointment with my counsellor on thursday. but im not sure what i want or should talk about. Lately i just have this immense lack of care for everything that is going on. I've just pushed everything aside and just pretended that nothing exists. It seems to be having a positive affect on my mood, but I know that it will all fall back on me again soon.

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Its 6:11AM and I haven't had much sleep. This post probably makes no sense. Im going to try and go back to sleep.

I just wanted to say hi :-) Sorry i haven't really been replying to comments. I should really try a bit harder.

So the last couple of weeks have been really good. I got to go home and see my parents and my siblings. Honestly even though i didnt really do anything, it was probably the happiest i've been for a while. You know the feeling, where nothing else really matters, and you just get to enjoy life without having to worry about anything else. Not having to worry about work. Not having to worry about uni. Not having to worry about friends or what other people think. I got to be with the people who really matter to me. My family.

But then it got me thinking. Why was i so happy? Im not really sure how to explain it, but its like im living double lives. When im with my parents, nothing else matters. I feel like i live in my own little bubble world. Just mum and dad and i. The two most important people in my life. Its like i didnt need anyone else or anything else. I'd block out every other externality, and the only thing that mattered was the interactions between ourselves. I felt totally secure. It was like a completely controlled environment. Sure, while the feeling was good, i began wondering whether this was healthy. I can't live in isolation from everything and everyone else.

Which brings me to my other 'life'. The external life. Life in the real world. Where i must deal with consequences of my actions, interact with people other than myself and my family, and face the uncertain and volatile environment around me. In this world, i have very little control over what happens. I think its this aspect of 'control' that scares me. Im unable to determine what will happen to me. Im afraid of not fitting in. I try to avoid confrontation and conflict, and i try to just blend in. Im afraid of what others will think of me. This is the real world. Not an isolated bubble world from before. The world in which my parents and family dont exist. The world in which i must forge myself in, in order to survive.

And its just too much for me. I dont think i can handle the real world.

I have absolutely no idea whether anything i've said actualy made any sense at all.

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I need to make another appointment with my counsellor. I made a second appointment a few weeks ago but she was sick and couldn't make it. So as it stands, i've only been to that first initial session. Hopefully next time, we'll make some progress and maybe i'll be able to let her in on my secret and why its eating away at me.

Sometimes i'll wake up and just feel completely down and out for no particular reason whatsoever. This morning is one of those. I wish i could quantiify how i actually feel in words, but i just cant seem to. In slowly loaing my mind and my ability to communicate.

Its 4am in the morning and im wide awake not able to get back to sleep. I feel such a deep disconnection with the world around me. I had a random dream just before i woke up. I was back in highschool, out on a field. Somehow i ended up being part of a soccer/football team. I was goal keeer. Not a very good one though. I failed to save any balls watsoever. I felt so embarrassed, guilty and ashamed of myself. I felt i had let the team down. It was wasnt a great moment for me, and i felt so bad about it that i had to fight back tears. It wasnt my fault i kept telling myself.

All my life i'd never been good at sports. Not because i didnt like sports but becausei dont believe i was ever afforded.the opportunity. As a kid my parents were working pretty much 5am to 7pm and as a result i'd have to take care of my siblings. I never had the chance to do any afterschool extra curricular activities. Was never really part of a team. I also suffered from asthma, which due to lack of correct knowledge for my situation and little time, my parents kept me from.doing physical activities that could trigger my asthma.

During my time at in primaary school, i could never remember why i wasnt in any sports team. I recall one time i was out on a field playing soccer. It was like i was just placed there. I didnt know what to do. I didnt know the rules. Noone had taught me. After the game, all i can remember was that all these older kids calling me names and one name that i remember to this day was 'faggot'. I was called a faggot even tho i had no idea what it meant. It wasnt a good feeling, and ever since then i guess i was so afraid of being abused that i avoided team sports for the rest of my time at school. Id tell my parents to write in letters.to.excuse me from doing any sports, using my asthma as.a reason.

During that time when i was younger, i never really had.many friends. Was never really included in anything. My best friend was a girl called Kim. Sports teams were gender separated so whenever sports.day came, i felt i had lost my best friend for the day. I was so ashamed and embarrassed being with the guys. I was afraid of the things they'd do or say to me. I'd always be chosen last. I dreaded sports so much. Not because i didnt like it but because i was afraid. fraid because i didnt know how to play. Afraid of letting people down. Afraid of being verbally abused after the game. I dont think the teachers did anything about it. They just tokd me not to listen.

The dream i had made me think. I was so afraid being the goal keeper. But what was i afraid of? I was afraid of failure. Afraid to let others down. Afraid at what was coming to me.

I only just realised then, that ive had confidence issues all my life. I was afraid of. Humiliation and rejection so i pusshed it all away. I tried to keep as far away from team sports as i could.

And i deeply regret it now. I never got a chaance to form relationships. I never got a chance to interact with the other guys. I never had a chance to feel wat it felt like to be part of a team. To win as a team. To lose as a team.

I feel so disconnected. Sports is such a big part of normal life and i feek like im missing that entire chunk of my life. Im missing the confidence, the energy and the passion. I guess this is a.reason i feel so awkward and uncomfortable around other guys.

Right now i feel like because i've lost this part of my life, that anything i do in the future will be severely affected. Im almost graduTed and i feel that in any future workplace i'll be in, i may be ostracised from the rest of my co-workers, esp the males, as sports is a common bond most people will share. A bond that i lack. And then i would get stereotyped. They'll probably say "oh he desnt like sports because he's gay". I dont like sports because i was never given the opportunity to like it.

I feel so detachdd and like im missing an entire chunk of me. I live in fear. Im afraid.

I saw a counsellor yesterday. The whole morning I was so nervous. I kept thinking about what I was supposed to say and what I wanted to start with. I began to think that maybe seeing a counsellor wasn't such a good idea and was tempted to cancel my appointment. I was up early that morning because i couldn't sleep. I showered got dressed and walked to the bus stop. The closer i got to uni, where the counsellor was based, the more anxious i got.

When i spoke to the receptionist over the phone to make the appointment a few days ago, she asked me if i wanted to see a male or female counsellor. I wasn't expecting that question and I didn't really know how to respond so I just said whoever was available. So she said she'd book me in with Sheldon. A male name im guessing.

The night before I was having thoughts about how maybe a male counsellor wasn't such a good idea. I've never been comfortable being around other guys. So as the time drew nearer to the appointment, I got fidgety and my heart was pounding away in my chest. Fortunately I was greeted by a nice lady instead of 'Sheldon' who introduced herself and said she would be my counsellor.

We went in the room and i sat on the chair clutching my bag in my lap. She introduced herself, and went through some administrative stuff. She said anythign that was said was confidential and remained between her and me. Except for if i was suicidal or could potentially hurt myself or others, then she would have to report me. She also took the bag off me and asked me to relax.

So she started by asking me how i was feeling. Simple question really. But i couldn't answer her. I told her that i wasn't sure why i was there. I said that it was a mistake and i shouldn't have come. I explained that my doctor had recommended that i see a counsellor months ago but i kept putting it off. I also said that I was only there because some friends had said that i needed to see someone. She understood.

I asked her to imagine a cube. If she could imagine life as a cube. And using that cube, you'd be able to examine each side of the cube, until the entire cube had been looked over. I then explained that my life was NOT a cube. But rather a sphere. Where there are no sides except one. And that there is no single starting point and that every aspect of my life is so intwined that everything just melds together as one.

She asked me how i thought about being here. I answered that i felt that by cominng to a counselling session that I am admitting to having problems. Admitting defeat. That i was too weak and useless to deal with my own problems by myself. I told her that i felt especially vulnerable. We sat for a while in silence. She explained to me that this was NOT the case at all. That everyone needs someone to talk to. Seeing a counsellor doesn't mean that I am weak. It means that I have the strength and courage to seek someone, and to not bottle everything up. She admitted that even she sees a counsellor too.

She asked me if there are any pressing issues at this very moment. I thought for a while, and then not being able to really think of anything, I introduced her to a few people. EV, Charlie, EV's sister Kay and Charlies sister. I explained that today was Kay's 21st birthday. But I didn't want to go even though she had invited me. I didn't want to go because I didn't want to see EV or K. I didn't want to talk to them or see them. I told her i felt really bad about it.

I explained that EV had told Kay something about me that was highly personal, and that kay had told charlies sister who then told charlie. And then i was confronted by charlie. I never told the counsellor what the secret was though. I talked about charlie and EV. About how we all went to school together. How i felt betrayed and that i have major trust issues with EV. I told the counsellor about an incident in highschool which took me several years to get over.I talked about how i was from a small town and that if this secret got out, it could be very damaging for me.

She asked me what i was afraid of. I said i was afraid of being alone. of losing the people i care about. I told her about how i've had to restart in life so many times. That i felt like it wasn't worth trying anymore. That i had no joy or happiness in life. She put on a serious face and asked me if i had ever had suicidal thoughts.

I told her yes. Which is true. I told her i have them nearly every day. She became concerned and questioned me further. I told her that i always wished that everything would just come to an end. That i'd get hit by a car or something. Or i'd get really really sick and not wake up. She then asked me if i had thought about ways of which i could end my life. I was a little bit stunned. I had never thought of it before. I had never thought about the ways in which i could end my life. All i ever thought about was how good it would be if i just dissappeared. I told her that i didn't have to courage to act on it.

She let me in on a secret and said that she's happy for me, because its not that i dont have the courage. Its that theres a part of me that still really wants to live. A part of me deep down that knows that things could be so much better and that is what is keeping me from taking my own life.

We talked about my family. Talked about my family background and family dynamics. During this part i was very emotional and I am embarrassed to admit it, but i got a bit teary. We were already over time, but she never told me to stop.

She mentioned 'intergenerational trauma' and that not only was i carrying my own burden, but i was also carrying the burden of my parents and my family.

I told her i felt trapped, and that i had nowhere to go. Couldn't go back, couldn't look forward.

She said that my story was nothing ordinary at all. She said i was an intelligent person, who even though may not be able to put it into words, that i could sense things and feel it inside.

She then asked me to come back again next time and that she really wants to help me out on my journey. She said that she wanted to talk about my hopes and dreams and aspirations.

-----------------

I hadn't eaten at all that day, and i was getting really hungry. So i messaged hayden if he wanted to catch up for lunch since he was at uni. He msged back saying that he was busy. I was still clearly upset from the things i talked about with the counsellor, so i didn't end up getting anything to eat because i didn't feel in the mood to eat anymore.

I sat in the library before i got a phone call. You know who you are. Thanks so much for being there for me.

-----------------

Im still not talking to her. For more than 5 years this little secret of mine has been inside me, clawing away at me, draining any ounce of life i have. This darkness inside me i keep it repressed and drown it out using any means i can. Doing anything i can that takes my mind off it. For more than 5 years its eaten away at me. Yet its amusing how she can just pass it on to others as if it were common knowledge. Its unbelievable. I dont think i can forgive her. She hasnt done anything wrong. But i can't stand to see her face, hear her voice or even comprehend anything she says to me anymore. And it kills me inside knowing that she doesn't know what shes done, and why I'm struggling so much to keep her a part of my life. She never gave me a chance. She's taken away my choice. It doesn't matter what i say or do. Because its already out there. Who i am and what im supposed to be.

Sometimes i just imagine that im no longer. Everything i see, everyone i know. Vanish into empty space. Because everyone will always be alone. None of this matters. Nothing matters. It makes me feel good when I imagine that there is nothing else. Not even me.

i can't bring myself to talk to her.

i want to hold haydens hands. i want to hold him. if only for a while.

Charlie, my sister and myself were going out to dinner, and we somehow stopped by a fancy looking restaurant. One we knew we were never going to be able to afford. We never had any intentions to go there, but we were waiting outside for some reason. The waiter greeted us out at the door and tried to usher us in. I told him we were alright. He asked if he could at least offer us something. So i asked for some water. He asked if i'd like some ice. I said no, just water.

Unlike other dreams, i couldn't remember the dialogue at all. It was like i just sat back and watched everything happened in MUTE. The waiter came back, and dropped a tub of water on the floor and walked away. I knew this waiter, he was a guy I had hooked up with a long while back. Something happened and my sister got upset. Charlie was aggrevated and got up and confronted the waiter. A brawl broke out. I couldn't understand anythign taht was going on. I walked up and asked a waitress what was going on. She wouldn't tell me. She refused to tell me, until I screamed at her. WHen she spoke to me, i couldn't understand what she was saying. But i picked up the following:

- something about 'ice'
- something about 'chicken'
- 10 newcomers to the establishment every month
- 3 bodies discarded
- a warning that I need to at all cost avoid "Gotham", a big fellow, dresses in black gear and has multiple tatoos.
- something about hosing down

Gotham walked into the restaurant, and the waitress frantically told me i had to go. I grabbed my sister and charlie, and told them we needed to leave immediately. The followed me out but so did the waitress. My sister then accidentally dropped her hand bag, where her wallet ID, and other cards fell out onto the ground. We frantically tried to pick everythign up, and i noticed that the waitress was also helping us, but she kept a few cards and put them in her pocket. I called her out and told her to hand it back over. I told her i'd call the police and tell them EVERYTHING if she didn't comply.

Gotham walked out to see what the commotion was about. Everythign went black. I woke up, trembling and sweating like crazy.

------------------------

So.... those thigns that i couldn't understand in the dream, i decided to google them, to see if they had some sort of hidden meaning.

- 'ice' slang for methamphetamines and also a term used to refer to the conspired murder or killing of someone

- 'chicken' another slang term for Methamphetamine

- 10 newcomers to the establishment: the restaurant was actually a cover for a drug operation, with at least 10 new 'customers' every week. Apparently we innocently discovered the operation, by not dining, and asking for 'water' with no 'ice'.

- 3 dead bodies. The waitress was telling me about 3 dead bodies. There were three of us - me, charlie and my sister.

- Gotham: the waitress told me that we had to at all cost avoid gotham. Im assuming Gotham was the drug lord. In reference to DC comics, Gotham was the city that Batman resided in. It is described as: a dark and foreboding metropolis rife with crime, grime, corruption, and a deep-seated sense of urban decay in the parts of the city not rejuvenated post-No Man's Land. Take this description, and describe a person with it, and you get Gotham, the drug lord.

- Hosing down: slang term referring to murder or kill someone in such a manner that the victim is dead or unable to walk away.

- Waitress taking my sisters cards as form of id: she was in on this operation as well, she couldn't let us get away, seeing as we now knew what really went on. She needed some way to find us, and my sisters dropped cards was how they were going to find us.

-----------------

Now i ask - what the FUCKING hell is wrong with me? Why am i dreaming up all these crazy things? Ice, chicken, hosing down, ??? I mean, i dont even know what the fuck methamphetamines are!! I'm the most unknowledgeable person when it comes to 'drugs'. I dont know any terms/slang or drug references so how these terms popped into my head i have no idea. There must be a reason why the people in the dream were in the dream. Why wasn't Hayden in this dream? Why was it Charlie and my sister? Why is everyone always out to get me in my dreamscape? Why do i keep dying?

I dont know what goes on in my head. Its like all my dreams are puzzles with hidden messages and clues and loaded with a heap of metaphors. My dreams have no bearing with what happens in reality.

And no, i didn't just watch a crime/drug related movie or tv show.

Is it possible for dreams to continue? Well apparently.

I wanted to talk to Hayden. I wanted to explain why I did what i did. Why i kissed him. I'd try to talk to him, but he'd keep trying to change the subject or walk away. I kept holding him back, until he agreed to go for a walk with me so I could explain things to him.

I lead him to a quiet street where there wasn't many people around so i could talk to him. I tried to explain how i felt about him, and that i've always felt that way about him. He was a little shocked to learn that I've liked him ever since i first met him. And then i explained why i kissed him. I kept explaining it over and over again. It was strange, and i dont know why, but after a while, it ended up with Hayden explaining and justifying why HE kissed me. Why HE felt the way he did about me. I dont understand.

And then as we were walking, the streets started to flood. The water levels rose so rapidly, as i got stranded on one side of the street, while Hayden was on the other side. He waved at me, and walked away. I called out asking him to help me. Asking him to wait for me. But he never replied. He dissappeared. The flood waters kept rising.

I awoke in a hospital room. My bed levitating on the ground. My entire body paralysed, not being able to move a limb. I tried to call out to someone, but I had no voice. All i could do was move my eyes. I couldn't close them. The bed kept levitating but then it started to rotate around its axis like a wheel. There was a mirror on the side of the wall. The hospital room was empty. but in the reflection of the mirror, there were doctors and nurses trying to treat a dying patient. I couldn't move. i couldn't speak. The bed kept roatating. Until i fell out. I got up and looked in the mirror again. There was nothing but my own reflection.

The unmistakable rumble of the helicopters flying above me makes me shiver. The intense light emanating from their spot lights i must avoid. They're out to get me. I mustn't be seen nor heard. I can put my trust in nobody.

The room I'm in gives me the sense that theres celebrations about to unfold. Christmas tinsel hangs from the ceiling, and embellish the rather drab grey walls. The irony is that theres a banner acroos the room that says "happy birthday" and there's a large cake, sitting in the middle of a table in the centre of the room. It could be someones birthday, it could be christmas day. It could be both. It could be neither. For all i know, this world isn't real. My friends are gathered around me, to celebrate this special occassion with me. There is an eery silence, as we all sit in the room motionless and quiet. Zombie-like.

I can't hear what my friends are thinking. But i can communicate with them through thoughts. At first its one way communication. Until they hear what im communicating. It is only then that two way dialogue is possible. I can only communicate to those, who are willing to hear me first. Otherwise my thoughts fall upon closed minds. A christmas bon-bon floats from one side of the room to the other. It floats, because my mind says it can. If i believe it can, it will. I must not succumb to doubt.

Beside a fountain lays a young man, deeply disturbed and clearly upset. The soft sound of gently cascading water fills the eery silence that was once present. He weeps. Tears of blood, tears of sorrow. His body disintegrates as he weeps into nothing more than fragments of broken pottery, in the palm of my hands, covered in blood.

On the bus im sitting, with nearly every seat occupied. I'm in awe of the energy of the mind and the energy of thought itself. On this bus, I can feel the energy radiating. I can't hear what people are thinking. But i can talk to them through thought. If their mind believes, if they hear me, I am then able to hear them too. Those with doubtful minds I cannot connect with.

"Don't be afraid, I wont hurt you"
"Who are you, and what do you want with me? Why can I hear you? Where are you?"
"Who I am, and why you can hear me are of no importance. Your acceptance and belief is all that matters. You must help me. We must go.. THEY are coming"
"How am I to help you? Where are you? Please show yourself!"
"Turn around and look behind you"

The young lady turns around and glances at me, and i nod back to her in confirmation.

"Listen, you must disguise me. Do not try to fight me. I wont hurt you"
"What do you mean? How am i to disguise you? What will you do to me?"
"You will see"
"Whats happening to me? I can't control my body anymore. What are you doing? Please don't hurt me. Where have you gone?"
"Don't be alarmed. You will be safe. You can't control your body anymore, because I am now controlling you. My mind has become your conscience, and yours has now been pushed back to the subconscience region. I cannot feel what you feel, but i can see what you see and control what you do. Right now, doubt is your biggest danger"
"You're hijacking my body. What are you going to do to me? Where have you gone?"
"In a way i guess you could say that. You need to help me. You're body is my disguise. My body that you once saw, is now a figment of your imagination. If you believe that I'm not there anymore, then I am no longer there. I am here. Inside with you."
"How will I help you?"
"We must be as one. You must believe that we can be as one. Our thoughts must synchronise and merge into one. Otherwise the doubt that your mind pocesses may drive me out like a virus, and put you into grave danger. We must be united as a single mindset."

As we merge, there is no longer dialogue, as there are no longer two separate mindsets communicating with each other. What she sees, i see. What she feels, i now feel. We must get away from THEM. The light from the helicopters MUST NOT be upon us. She walks through a dark street. A helicopter flies over, and she is engulfed in light. For a few seconds we lose sychronisation and her vision to me becomes blurry.

"You are in grave danger if they see me. You mustn't be doubtful. We need to be in unity again"
"The light. there is somethin so sinister about it."
"It is sinister, only if you believe it is. We must be as one again. Rid your mind of doubt."

Alarms sound and just as the helicopter is about to open fire, we are again as one. The alarms stop and the helicopter moves on.

We are now in what looks to be an abandoned warehouse. It is infact, not abandoned at all, but fully operational. There are open circular saws everywhere. Those who dont obey THEIR will, are sent to the saws.

Alarms start sounding again. I find myself standing beside her. "What have you done?" I called out to her. "Im so sorry. I can't do this anymore" she replied as she runs off. THEY are coming for me. Hundreds of them, are coming for me. I am backed into a corner. There are several saws behind me. I am done for. I am inches from the saw, and THEY push me closer and closer. "I'm so sorry. Please have faith in me again" I hear.

My vision blurs and as i regain sight, I see what she sees. As one we move away from warehouse. In a dark alley way, again she leaves me. "Im sorry. Be safe" she tells me before she dissappears into the darkness. I keep walking.

The landscape is so urban yet so desolate. The people around are mindless, succumbing to THEIR will. I walk into a garage, where behind a car, is a mechanic. His mind is closed. He chooses not to hear me. Theres nothign i can do. THEY have him. He asks me if I require help. He said he will be back to assist me. Out of the garage he walks, and suddenly as a helicopter flies over, he signals them. Alarms sound and the light from the helicopter lights up the garage. The helicopter opens fire, the car in front of me is engulfed in flames. The image in front of me begins to blur, and I am pulled to a different location. What she sees, is what i see.

It seems SHE is able to manipulate her mind at will. Control what she believes and what she wants to believe as real. Her mind is now at war with doubt. The real danger is only about to start.

--------------------------------------------------

@Biki
Don't stress out about me. I'm safe and well. Im using wireless internet atm because our cable internet is down due to the flooding. Will talk to you soon. Stay safe.

I have a friend, who we'll call Hayden. I met him a few months ago, at a university society event. While there, we did the meet and greet thing, and then as usual, we all dissapated into our usual comfort groups. So after I introduced myself and we had an obligatory 'breaking the ice', we both wondered off, me to my comfort group, and him to another random group. Im not sure he knew anyone though, because he was an international student, who had only been in Australia for less than 2 weeks. For the rest of the night, I didnt really have much contact with him.

At the end of the night, most people were pairing up and leaving, with the majority of them taking the same form of transportation. It sucked beecause most of the people lived in an opposite direction to where i lived, so that meant i would be commuting home by myself. That was until i noticed Hayden. He was standing there by himself, im assuming hoping that someone else was travelling his way. It looked highly unlikely as by now almost all the people had left. I walked up to him and asked him where he was going. And to my surprise, his station was the station before mine. So i offered to take the train with him.

It was a short ride, but before we got off, we exchanged numbers. After that though, i never heard from him again, and he never replied to my text message. I was slightly dissappointed. A few weeks later, I walked onto a bus, on my way to a get together with an old friend from college. As i walked towards the back of the bus, i noticed from the corner of my eye, some random guy looking at me. I didn't think much of it. I turned into the window and stared out. But i could see his reflection, in the window - he was staring at me. It was a little creepy. Then he got up, walked towards me, and taps me on the shoulder, and asks me if we've met before.

To my surprise, it was Hayden. He told me that he had lost his phone and didn't have my number anymore. So we exchanged details again, and had a quick chat, before he got off at the next stop. Since then, we've been hanging out a bit, more so now that its university holidays. I really like him a lot. He's a really nice guy, and for some reason, he's insane enough to come walking around the city aimlessly with me. We also went for a random midnight drive, with no desitnation or purpose in mind. Noone else has ever wanted to do anything spontaneous and random with me.

I guess i dont feel as lonely as I used to be anymore. But heres the problem:

Whenever anyone takes an interest in me, I just fall for that person. Its hard to explain, but its like I want to be more than just friends with that person. Sometimes im afraid that I'll overstep the line of being just friends. Im afraid that I might become too clingy and too needy. Im afraid that I'm unsure of whether i truly like this person for himself, or whether I only like him because of the attention he's shown me. I dont know what to do. What makes things worse is that in the back of my head, Im secretly hoping that he likes guys too.

He confuses me. On his FB profile, he is in a relationship with another guy. but he is interested in women. I asked him about this profile, and he said that the relationship status was only a joke. He also added "i'm not gay if thats what you're wondering". Yes thats exactly what i was wondering....too bad i said, because "it wouldn't have mattered to me whether you were or you weren't".

A few nights ago, I messaged him, saything that I was really bored and wanted to get out of here, even if it meant i got wet from the rain. (its been raining heaps recently). A few nights later, i got a text message from him, pretty much saying the same thing - that he was really bored and wanted to do something, even if he got wet by the rain. So.....right?? what am i supposed to think of that?

We went on a random drive two nights ago, and we ended up on a lookout over the city. Problem was, it was a saturday night. and the only people who were on that lookout at that time, were couples. Smooching away at each other. Awkward. He was the first to mention it - "dude, we look like a gay couple". I kind of just chuckled a bit, and said "right.. in that case, you stay here, and i'll go over there". But he followed me.

I mentioned that it did feel a bit awkward, and that now i was getting a bit paranoid. Im not sure why, but he chipped in with "oh I'm NOT gay by the way". After admiring the view for a little while, he mentioned that he was a bit cold, and i said yeah it is a bit chilly. He then followed with "I dont need you to warm me up btw" jokingly. Right....

I have a horrible gaydar. its like it was an optional extra when i was being made, that i never got. Im not sure if he's tryign to throw hints at me or whether im just misinterpreting his actions. But whatever he's doing, its really confusing me.

I want to hang out with him, because i feel happy when i do, but when im with him, im afraid that i want something more out of it. :( why can't i just be normal and be contempt with being just friends. I dont know how to be just a friend :-((. Because of this, I dont want to be around him. But then it makes me sad because i dont like being alone.

-----------------------------

I feel empty. I feel like nothing is real. I smile for the sake of smiling. I laugh for the sake of laughing. Im emotionally dead. There is nothign i really truly feel happy about. Most of the times, happiness is simply the absence of sadness.

I feel like a zombie because of my lack of emotions. What i also lack is my own opinions. For some reason, i take everythign for granted, and dont have my own views or convictions on anything. Its so hard to say, and i feel horrible for saying so, but it could be because i dont care enough for anything to have any opinions or convictions about things. Why do i have a lack of caring? I feel like a robot.

I need to see someone about my problems.

I've been home alone since this afternoon, because my sister has gone away and my other housemate isn't here. MK called me and asked me what I was up to and whether I wanted to hang out and get dinner or something along those lines. I wasn't really doing anything so I agreed, and he picked up me and we drove around for a bit chatting, before we decided on where we wanted to go. Actually, we didn't really decide. He decided. Because I told him I didn't really mind where we went and that I'm not fussy at all.

So the decision was made, that we'd be trying out this Tibetan restaurant. It's a quaint little place, quite cosy actually on the end of a somewhat obscure road somewhere in West End. I don't really know West End very well but I was really surpised that theres some really neat places tucked away in what I've always thought as a pretty run down part of Brissy. We went in and it was rather busy, but we managed to get a table. Yup. A table for two, complete with the soft warm glow and flickering of a tea light candle.

For several moments after we sat down, I actually felt extremely awkward and weirded out. 1) because the restaurant was kind of a little bit too cosy for my liking, 2) the restaurant seemed to have more of a romantic feel to it rather than a casual dining experience, and 3) because i was at a table, having dinner, with another guy, when every other couple in the restaurant was of the hetero type.

I could just sense the other people in the restaurant forming opinions and assumptions in their heads. Especially the waitress. I blame MK on that part. I was happy to sit outside where there weren't many people, but MK pointed to an empty table, towards the back of the restaurant, where I can only assume, all the lovey dovey couples go, as only those tables were lit with candlelight. MK asked me after we sat down whether I felt weird being the only Guy-Guy couple in the restaurant, and I straight out told him that i felt extremely awkward and weirded out. To my surprise, he said he was completely fine with it... ..

You know its pretty strange that I find it extremely awkward being in situations like that in public. It's like when im in public i automatically put on a more manly demenour and become this straight-acting guy not daring to do anything that is remotely gay related.

Oh and a random fact i'll throw in... i find it extremely weird to be talking with a girl about hot guys.. it just doesn't feel right. I can chat with a guy about other guys no probs, but put a girl into that eqution and all that results is awkwardness. So as it stands, I can talk about hot girls with girls, but just not talk guys with girls.. i hope i make sense...

So yeah, we didn't do much after dinner. just drove around for a bit and then he dropped me off again. He suggested we go to the valley (clubbing) but I said the only place i want to go right now is to bed. lolz how lame am i.

PS.... MK is a college friend of mine. He's str8 btw..

I'm sorry. Sorry for getting everyone worried.

Things have been tough for me lately. My whole life felt like it was crumbling. My non-existent social life, not having someone who i could really connect with, a longing for a soul mate, things turning a bit sour with my housemates, my financial situation, my job hunting, my poor academics, general depression and the effect its having on my health. As a result of depression, I've been having chronic insomnia, hypertension, tiredness and lack of energy, eating issues and loss of appetite, headaches, lack of focus and spurts of restlessness.

The depression I think stems from my very bleak view of life. A sense of hopelessness and worthlessness. I keep imagining my future - working in a job that i probably wont like, and doing the whole 8-4 thing, acting happy and confident, pretending i have friends while really i don't have anyone i can connect with or am close to. And then i picture myself doing that for the rest of my life. Being LONELY for the rest of my life. And so i have this craving, an obcession even, to find a soul mate. Someone who understands me. Someone who i can trust. Someone who i can understand and trust. Right now I don't have ANYONE (in real life as opposed to cyberspace) who I can really talk to. I don't have anything in common with any of my real life friends and I just find that I just can't connect with them. We can go out and do things, but at the end of the day, people end up clinging to those who they share a common bond with, so i usually end up by myself. My longing to find someone i could connect with was part of the reason for my sort of obcession with TN. But I know nothings ever going to happen because he gives me hope that some sort of decent friendship would ever happen, and then he takes it all back again. It makes me feel that I'm not worthy to be with anyone. To be anyones friend. AM i really that bad of a person that he doesn't want anything to do with me? It's lead to me doubting myself all the time. Thinking that I'm not good enough. That I'm worthless.I have confidence issues. MAJOR confidence issues.

My job hunting isn't going very well either. I'm supposed to be graduating from uni at the end of the year. I've applied for every internship and graduate position that I've known of and day after day all i get is a rejection email. Not even a personal one, but a mass emailed rejection. And the only other time that I thought i had any sort of a chance, I was called up on the last hour, of the very last day, and told that although i scored highly in the interview, that i scored highly in the group excercise, that i scored highly in the individual test, that ultimately, my degree type was the wrong one for them and that they can't see a position for me. I was the last person that they called that week. They said i was a tough one to decided. But still in the end, it was another rejection. The HR manager mentioned that the other supervisors noticed that i wasn't as outgoing as the other candidates.

What gets me down is that because of my confidence issues, I'm not a very outgoing person. I don't do well in large group settings. And a lot of these job interviews you really have to be confident and sell yourself. Do you see a dilemma here? I have such low self esteem, self-worth and confidence that I just can't do this. I just can't talk about how good I am, and how much of an asset i'd be to the company if I don't personally believe that myself. I've had a bit of a pessimistic attitude recently and no matter how hard i try, i can't seem to shake it off. I can't seem to see myself for what im worth.

Another aspect about the rejections i've been getting have been partly because of my poor academics. Every semester i tell myself this is going to be my best one. But it goes downhill everytime. I've really got noone to blame but myself. I don't spend nearly enough time studying, and when I do I can't focus. My mind wanders, and I keep bringing up things, like how i wish i had someone with me. During the week, I look forward to the weekends, thinking that this weekend i'll be doing something fun with my friends. Only to find out that either everyone is busy, they don't' feel like it or on some occassions have already planned something and not invited me. So i crawl back into my bed and spend my weekend depressed in my room. I've lost all motivation to study. I don't look forward to anything anymore. I don't look forward to my weekends, because to me,weekends=depressed. Yet i don't look forward to the week either, because during the week I'm at uni, alone. I see people at uni, sitting and chatting with friends. Out on the grass having fun. In the food courts having lunch as a group. People studying together. I wish i had that. I really do. It really kills me inside that I've got noone who does the same degree as me that i can study with. Noone who i can hang out with at uni whenever i have my breaks. I spend my days at uni either in class or in the library by myself. Some days I go the entire day without speaking to anyone. All the while i should be studying, I have these thoughts running through my head, and any attempt to learn is futile, as nothing stays in my head. I end up wasting away my days and not learning anything. Just yesterday I failed an exam. it was worth 45%. It makes me sad knowing that once, i was getting High Distinctions and Distinctions and now I'm barely scraping a pass.

At home, things aren't any better. My sister and my other housemate have been a bit sour towards me. I've been doing some irrational things. I don't have a job atm, so I'm living off whatever my parents are giving me. I don't come from a wealthy family. I wouldn't even say we were middle class. We're just getting by. With what money my parents give me, I usually help out with the bills and groceries, while my sister who studies and works, pays for the biggest expense, rent. A few days ago I had an argument with my sister about my financial situation. Mum had called her up and apparently told my sister that she was doing it tough trying to make enough money to support me. My sister got annoyed that mum was telling her this instead of calling me up and telling me. She said I was lazy and needed to get a job, and that mum should stop giving me money since they're doing it tough at home as well. After the phone call I asked my sister what was said and she got angry with me, and told me that I need to stop being a lazy prick and contribute. For me to get a job. I explained to her that I have tried. Many times and not had any success. But she didn't believe me. ANd this is when my other housemate came in and supported my sister, telling me that I'm only making excuses and that If other uni students can find a job, then so can I and that I needed to pull my head out. After that argument, I felt so bad. I was angry that noone believed my attempts at find work, noone supported me. I had noone there for me. They also told me that i needed to stop wasting money on things of no importance - referring to how i had spent some money on a camera, and on my wii. But you know what? I bought those things to keep me sane. To keep myself from having all these depressive thoughts. To take me out of my miser for a little while so I can have some sort of peace of mind. And those irrational things i've been doing - cleaning the house excessively, spending far too much time in the kitchen cooking/cleaning. Again i do those things to take my mind off other issues. But they don't know that. My housemates don't know what I'm going through. They don't know i have depression, and that even when i say i'm gong to bed, i don't end up sleeping until almost morning. They don't know that i'm not straight, and they say a lot of things that upset me greatly. They don't understand how lonely i am. I have no friends. Both my sister and my housemate have partners. They do things together as couples all the time. Movies, restuarants, going out to the city etc. And in the meantime, i watch on as they all have joy in their lives. They all have someone to cuddle, to be with, to talk to. I have noone. I sit in my room and cry.

I feel so bad that i have to hide my sexuality from everyone. I can't go out and make friends because it's somethign thats always in my mind. I don't know what they'd think of me if they knew the truth. I can't go out and make friends with other people like me, because then I'd raise suspicion. I feel so trapped. I so scared that my family will find out. I don't have the courage to tell them. I don't think they will take it well. I don't want to lose them. If i lose my family, i have NOONE. I'm afraid of how people will judge me if they knew the truth. I'm afraid that the group of 'friends' i have now will think I had lied to them the whole time. I'm afraid of how my family will judge me. I'm afraid that if i did come out to them, that later down the track I find out that that's really not what I wanted. It's a big commitment and right now I don't feel like i can commit. I've got too much to lose, but at the same time, I really DON'T have anything to lose at all. I still haven't accepted myself yet.

All these thoughts, feelings and emotions have made me depressed so much that I'm physically suffering. I have chronic insomnia and no matter how tired I am, i just can't get to sleep. It sounds so silly but I end up crying most nights. I can never wake up feeling refreshed. I've had to go out and buy a blood pressure monitor just so i can try to control my hypertension. The last reading i took was 158/99 with a pulse rate of 132. My doctor knows im suffering from hypertension and insomnia, but refuses to give me medication because he thinks im too young to be taking medication for hypertension and he doesn't want to get me addicted to sleeping tablets, especially after i ended up in hospital once from the tablets he gave me. My general lack of energy is also leading to easting disorders. I end up eating at odd times, losing my appetite a lot even when im starving. And when i do eat, i end up either vomiting or feeling really bloated and uncomfortable. It doesn't help my appetite either when my housemates are both health junkies and eat things like wholegrains, brown rice, wholemeal pasta, soy milk etc which i just CAN'T learn to like. These things they buy aren't usually cheap so I feel like i just have to go with what they're eating other wise if i get my own set of groceries, our bill is just going to skyrocket not to mention the waste of food if i don't finish eating what i bought since neither of them touch the things i would buy. So many days, I don't eat. I don't have breakfast. I don't have lunch. Sometimes when I'm at uni, i'll buy something from the refect, but still, I lose my appetite and don't really feel like eating anything. Then by the time i get home my stomach would be growling and i'd be feeling quite weak. When i make dinner, my housemates don't eat because they believe my food is 'unhealthy'. So i have to let them make dinner, and since they're health junkies they'd make somethign that is completely unappealing to me, and because of my appetite problems, i'd only end up having a few bites, and feeling hungry for the rest of the night. I end up drinking far too much to offset my lack of eating. The tap water in our unit is really foul tasting so I usually buy bottled water or juice, or those flavoured waters. Despite all this, i still find myself gaining weight! Since the start of 2009, i've gained almost 5kgs!! My sister has scolded me so many times telling me that I should stop eating crap. I told her that the problem wasn't because i ate 'crap' (crap refers to normal milk, butter, white bread, normal pasta, meat etc) but because i didn't EAT in the first place. I told her that there's nothing in the pantry that I feel like eating. She then got annoyed at me and told me that if I don't want to eat that stuff then i should just go out and buy my own food. But I can't, because if i did, we'd spend way too much money, and having two sets of food in the house just isn't economical, especially since her and my other housemate won't eat anything i make. It just doesn't make sense. So I told her that because of their lifestyle, I felt that i've had to compromised my own diet in order to be able to not run into financial problems. My sister got angry with me and said that Im using her and my housemate as scapegoats and that any health problems arising are my own fault. This really upsets me because thats not what i intended at all.

Although she's my sister, I'm emotionally distant from her. In fact, i'm not close to anyone in my family at all. I feel i can't talk to anyone about anything. I've got two younger brothers. My younger brother (not the youngest) is a bit of a rebel, and has always been difficult at home. He does what he feels like, despite my parents rejections. He forges his own path regardless of the others around him. Whereas I tended to be far too obedient. :-( i wish i had the strength and courage of my brother. But theres a reason why I am the way I am. When i was a child, my dad had always favoured my rebel brother. My dad accused me of being a bastard child that my mum had from an affair. He said i was a dumb and stupid child - i couldn't talk until i was 3, and anythign that was given to me, toys etc, i would end up breaking them apart. So he just stopped buying me things. I recall when i was about 4 or 5, he bought my brother a rather expensive remote control car. For me all he got was a small matchbox car. He would take my brother and they'd go and play with the remote control car, while i stayed behind. I was only a child then, but I was so upset, and felt so unloved. Eventually i realised that I was able to get more of my dads attention if I obeyed his every command, and did everythign he asked of me. It was only when he realised that he didn't have 100% control over my brother that he started giving me attention. If i wanted to go out somewhere, and he said no, that was the final answer. I just didn't go out. If i wanted something and he didn't approve of it, that was the final answer. I obeyed every word he said as if he were some sort of God. Because i knew that unless i did, I wouldn't get any of his attention or love. My other siblings have repeatedly told me that i'm the 'favourite' child in the family and that I get anything that i want. But they have no idea what i've had to go through. They have no idea what i've had to sacrifice for things to be this way. And my parents don't seem to understand that giving me material posccessions does not necessarily equate to love. Even to this day, my dad uses me as a reason for his 'suffering' - how him and mum have to do hard labour every day so that they can support me. Would it not hurt anyone to be told that they are a burden? So now that we've established that among my other problems, I'm also a burden. My youngest brother has had it easy his whole life. He's never had to step up and take charge of anything. He's always had everything he wanted handed down to him. The other day my sister asked him who he looks up to, and he replied that he looks up to my rebel brother. She asked him why and why doesn't he look up to me, as i'm a good role model since i'm intelligent, kind, obedient and that im at uni. He told her that he doesn't see me as a role model because im a 'fag' and that im 'uncool', 'nerdy' and a 'sissy'. That really really hurt me like nothing before. I felt as if I had been stabbed in the heart multiple times and left to bleed. Did he not realise how much I sacrificed in the past taking care of him while my parents were at work, having to skip school to look after him. I tried to give him the upbringing that my parents never gave me. And this is what i get for everything i've done for him. It only reaffirms to me who worthless i really am, and what my family would think of me.

Taking everything into considering, it's no suprise that i've actually contemplated suicide so many times. I've thought about how fragile life really is and how it could be ended so easily. How my suffering could be instantaneously erased. But then I think about how absurd suidcide was, and that all my problems and issues are all so petty. That they were all insignificant. There are people in this world, fighting, struggling, doing all they can to survive. And here i am rubbing it all in their faces by even thinking of taking my own life.

I'm really mentally unstable. I get swayed so easily by little things that happen. I take everything far too personally and literally. My mind is unsteady.

The last few days, I've been so depressed, anxious and stressed out about everything. So much that its manifested into my dreams. I keep having recurrent dreams about the same issue. Two dreams that were especially provoking included one in which i had a massive argument with my sister, and ended up losing it (im usually very calm and very non-violent) and smashing a whole heap of things. She then went and told my mum that i had completely lost it. I tried to explain the situation to mum, and how i've been depressed and how i've come so close to attempting suicide. But she laughed at me and told me that I need to harden up and that if im really that weak that i want to kill myself, then go right ahead. She didn't even offer me any support at all. I was so gutted that i grabbed the knife and stabbed myself in the chest several times in front of her, in front of my sister and my entire family. I really thought this was the end and that i wouldn't have to suffer any more. And then I woke up.

In the other dream, i dreamt i was back at home. I was in my room when my family walked in. They all stood there looking at me, with faces of despair, horror and disgust. I saw my little brother at the door, smirking at me, almost laughing, and pointing his finger at me. My dad, red faced and all, came to me and asked me if i was gay. I asked him would it really matter so much to him if i was? I never answered his question but he immediate broke into tears. NOT ONCE in my life have i ever seen him cry. He was angry and distraught and yelled at me, and told me that he never wanted to have anything to do with me ever again. He didn't want to see me, he didn't want me there in his house. I was so shocked i started crying. I saw mum crying too so i asked her for her support. I told her i needed her, and that It wasn't my fault that i was this way. It was just who i am and that i couldn't change who i was. Instead of being there for me, she screamed out me. She told me she didn't love me, and that they all hated me and wanted me gone. I cried so hard, that i woke up panting with tears rolling down my face.

I'm afraid of going to sleep. Im scared that i have to relive these moments all over again in my dreams.



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Im so sorry I got you guys worried - BaS, Ron, Ben. I've just been really down recently. I'm slightly better now that i've got my assignments and exams out of the way. When i did my last post, i had an argument with my sister, and i also learnt about what my little brother thought of me. I just couldn't handle it anymore so i broke down.

Hmm i'm really not sure what to say, but I think I may have sort of made a new friend.

I went out to a bowling event with a social group I signed up with at uni. There were about 50 or so people who turned up, and out of those people, I really only knew 5 of them. But they knew a lot more people than me, so that night, they sort of forgot about me, and I sat in the booth with my team. My team members all had a buddy they were with so apart from the obligatory introductions, we didn't really talk too much.

I'm risking sounding like a complete pessimist, but I wasn't really having too much fun. Its not that I don't like bowling, or that the other people weren't friendly. It's got a lot to do with myself. Around large groups, I get a bit anxious and I kind of become a bit of a recluse and retreat further back into my shell. I'm so bad with meeting new people and I get really nervous. You could say I'm socially awkward. I've always hated this about myself.

I guess its sort of how I've been brought up. I've never really had a chance to be with people my own age, and the only people I got to meet were adults. But even then, it wasn't 'proper' for me to talk to them unless I had been introduced. So I've always had this thing where unless the other party introduces themselves to me, or I get introduced to them by another person, I'd just sit or stand there in silence.

Its great if the other party introduces themsevles, but most of the time, because I never tend to make the first move, most people would just assume that I'm a snob. Which is completely untrue. And I hate the fact that I'm such a coward sometimes. Whats so hard about introducing yourself right?

So most of the night I put on a pretend face, and try to look happy. I try to be interested in whatever was happening. And when people talked to me I tried to be as social as I could. And then i realized how dull, boring and dry i am. I have no personality watsoever. I have nothing to talk about. After exchanging a few words, most people just went back to their own little group.

Fuck I hate myself sometimes. Why can't I have a little more life? Why can't I be a little more funny? Why am I so serious all the time? Why do i take things so literally and why am I so dry all the time? I wish i could change myself. But i can't seem to no matter how hard i try.

I think i've put out fake smiles and fake laughs so many times during my life now that I don't even know how it feels to be genuinely happy anymore.

When we were leaving though, I noticed that most people had formed groups, who lived in the same area. Like usual, I'm the only one travelling out my way. Until I noticed another guy by himself. So I asked him where he was headed. He lives in the suburb directly beside my suburb and was taking the train. My stop is the next one from his. So i said i'd train it back with him.

We had a bit of a chat and i found out some pretty interesting stuff about him. He's an international student, same age as me, doing his masters. He'd only been here for less than 3 weeks, and came alone. So he has no friends, and doesn't know anyone. At the train station he was going to buy a snack from the vending machines, but the machines didn't accept the coins he had. So i gave him some money. But he seemed a bit shy and reluctant to accept, so I bought it for him instead. He thanked me and then said something along the lines of he'll get me something next time we go out.

:-P did he say 'next time'? Well anyway we swapped phone numbers and he said he'd add me on FB.

He's not gay though i don't think so it'll be nothing more than just friends. But thats okay, because i could really use some friends right about now.

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I had the worst night sleep last night. I was feeling pretty down and it was freaking cold. I really need to get a new doona, at least one that will keep in some form of heat. I was pretty much shivering the whole night.

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I have no idea why we were there, but I had convinced TN to come out with me to the city. He was there with me, but I just had this feeling that he didn't want to be there. We were going to go on a tour of a milk factory. The Parmalat factory in Southbank to be precise. Don't ask me why we'd do that though. The factory is located pretty much on the edge of the river.

TN & I are walking along the edge of the river, when I notice a red dot on my leg. I look around and see nothing. I look down and the red dot has moved up from my leg to my chest. And that was when i noticed, on the other side of the river, a sniper, dressed in camo with his sniper rifle aimed at me.

I grabbed TN by the arm and told him to run. As we ran I lost grip of him. I turned back and he's dissappeared. I don't know what to do, so I just keep running, before jumping over a fence into a residential yard, and hiding behind some shrubs. From behind the shrub i could see a group of men, dressed in black walking along the side walk in front of the house. One of them turns to where I am and points my way, before saying something into his collar mounted microphone. Another guy pulls out a gun from his jacket and fires several shots my way. I freak out and just bolt. I jump over the back fence. Behind the houses is a concrete spillway or drain. So i jump down into that and run through the dark pipes.

I eventually emerge from a manhole onto a deserted street. Theres noone around me. All of a sudden I see bullets flying my way from all directions. I drop to the ground, and then crawl my way behind a telephone booth, before jumping into a patch of tall grass. Across the street I notice a car. I thought to myself this could be my getaway. It was a Yellow mazda SP23. I made a run for it, but when I get to the car, its no longer a SP23. Its a yellow 626. Okay i thought, this will still do. I look around again, and I see all these men in black walking out of the houses towards me. SHIT. I try to open the door. But to my surprise when i turn back, its no longer a 626. It's a go kart. Oh god i thought. Still better than nothing. As i jumped into, i realised it wasn't a go kart i was in anymore. I was sitting in a cardboard box.

I was as good as dead. I burst into tears. I jumped out of the box and just ran. Ran in no particular direction. To no particular destination. I just ran. and ran. and ran. until my legs gave out and i collapsed on the road. I looked back and all i could see was the light from a dozen or more laser pointers aimed at my head.

I woke up.

Seriously. Since dinner, I've had this on my mind the whole night. I can't get it out of my head and its making me feel rather depressed. My sister's bf came back to visit, and we went out to dinner, with another friend of his and his gf. While in the restaurant, they started talking about politics, migration, xenophobia, and eventually the topic turned to homophobia and gay people in general.

They said so many horrible things. Really degrading and a lot of it was stereotypes and completely unfounded. I'm not going to repeat anything they said, but it was really hurtful. The whole time I just sat there. After hearing those things, I just didn't want to be associated with them anymore. I wished I wasn't there. I guess I don't really act 'gay' so they probably didn't know any better. If only they knew though. Part of me wanted to tell them right then and there. Just so they knew how much damage they were doing by saying those things.

To make things worse, they were really loud and obnoxious. I'm sure most of the people in the place heard what they were talking about.

It's times like this that I wished I didn't have a life, because honestly there's nothing to live for.