Empty Spaces

I've had the worst weekend :-(. I still feel a bit down from the other night, and on top of that I just feel so exhausted physically. I've had the hardest time trying to sleep. I never seem to be able to wake up refreshed.

I had a dream last night. I woke up in a funeral hall, and the dead people rose from their eternal slumber. They were all weilding weapons, mainly blades of all sorts. I tried to turn on the lights but the lights wouldnt' work. These Zombie corpses came at me from all directions and did everything in their power to put me into an eternal sleep. No matter what I did, they just never seemed to die even after stabbing and wounding them.

And then THEY came. From the skies they did. And with a watchful eye over the world, they controlled my every move. And the moment I deviated from their plans they had for me, the skies would literally come crashing down on top of me.

I somehow reached a place, where there seemed to be a warp zone where multiple versions of reality merge. I see multiple versions of myself. But we all knew that only one of us will be able to pass through that point. once passed that point, history can repeat itself, and time can rewind itself back to that merging point. If my future doesn't turn out as i had wanted, i find myself back at the warp zone, with multiple versions of myself. Only one of us may proceed again into the future, while the rest of us are obliterated by THEM.

I just know that I'll never be able to have a fulfilling life or future, and so I did something really stupid that i wont mention. I put my life at risk because I just did not care anymore. And i said goodbye to my clones and told them to not be what i was. And then i cried as i watched and waited for THEM.

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I try so hard and i search in every possible place and way I can, but I can never find him again. I wish he would come back. Theres a huge void he left in me when he left me, and now all i feel is darkness.

I know im bad. I stopped taking my meds. And the moment i stop taking them, i start getting all these dreams again. BUT this is one dream that I'm glad i had.

I met my soulmate. The person who fulfills the void inside me. The person who makes me forget about everything negative in my life. He made me the happiest I've ever been in my life. He is the first person I've ever said "I LOVE YOU" to.

His name was "Positive". Well actually that was his nickname, but he prefered that name. He had an identical twin brother that I could simply not tell apart. The twin brothers name was Max. Max didnt really like me all that much. Not that he disliked me, but he was indifferent to me, and he'd get annoyed when I mistook him from his brother, and usually just walk away.

Apart from "positive", i simply cannot remember "positives" real name. I can't quite remember how it happened, but I went up and asked him if he was Max. And he didn't say directly who he was, but he asked me a question. I can't remember what the question was but the answer to the question would give me the answer i was looking for - whether or not he was Max. I can't remember what I answered with, but "positive" was a keyword. His face lit up when I answered him correctly and I realised that he wasn't Max. So from there i started calling him Positive.

Max and I never had much of a connection. He was always just there, with his twin brother positive. But him seeing how happy Positive and I were, made him happy. Happy for the both of us.

Positive and I spent most of our time walking, with our arms around each other. He made me happy like i've never been before. He truly was my soulmate. That void inside me, and that loneliness just vaporized when i was with him. I felt complete. I felt like nothing else mattered but him. I kept telling him how much I loved him.

We kissed and it was the best kiss I had ever had. And straight after I woke up.

I walked out with a blank face.

A trickle of guilt and remorse ran through my veins and i wonder if it was worth it.

I look in the mirror and I dont know who the person staring back at me is.

I feel unclean. I spend what seems like forever trying to wash it off, trying to remove everything. But try as I may, after it all, im still here. In my own skin.

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In the light of a dimly lit street lamp, I make a concious effort to avoid all the puddles on the rain-soaked bitumen as I make my way to my ute. The shoes im wearing are worn out, with the leather peeling away from the soles, and holes in the sides where they've grazed up against many a brick wall. My socks peek through the holes in the front, and the water that splashes up from the road filters through the fibres in the sock and eventually make contact with my toes. Its cold wet and dark as i walk down the street with noone but my misty shadow to keep me company.

From a distance I make out the shadow of another person beside my vehicle, in what looks to be an attempted carjacking or robbery. I approach with caution. A moment of unrest ensues and the carjacker swiftly makes his way around the vehicle directly in my line of sight and pulls from inside the black canvas bag he is holding, a fully loaded revolver.

He drops his bag and has both hands on the revolver. As the bag falls lifelessly onto the damp bitumen, it reveals its contents - or lack thereof. "Okay...where is the stuff" i question him. "WHERE IS IT" i repeaat in a firm manner.

With the revolver he points towards the bag and gestures as if for me to pick up the bag. I do as he wishes. "You know!" he murmurs in a clearly distressed tone. "You SHOULDN'T".

"Woah..settle. I know. You know. There is no need for firearms. If i HAD taken it upon myself to inform THEM, you obviously woudn't be here. But you are. That says alot. You and me, we both share a common interest here. Put down your weapon."

He grabs me by the collar and plants the revolver firmly against the side of my head. He cocks the hammer. It seems like an eternity from the time the hammer is cocked to when the trigger is actually pulled, which seemed to imply that there was some sort of thought process happening within his head. As if he were weighing up his choices.

And then the trigger is pulled.

I'ts a blank.

He cocks the hammer, and again, he pulls the trigger.

Another blank.

It seems like a never ending cycle.

Until he eventually drops his weapon.

He relieves his grip on me, and steps backward. We know we are in it together. We share a common bond. He knows that i know.

And then THEY appear.

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The dusty little box from underneath the bed which had been neglected for far too many years finally sees its first glints of sunlight as I place it onto benchtop and brush away the dust with my fingers.

Carefully, I lift off the lid of the old box and reveal whats inside. What lies inside is somewhat of a mess, yet there is so much beauty and passion within its contents. An old box of art supplies. The pencils no longer constitute a full set, as some colours have somehow dissapeared, some are in two or more pieces. The bristles of the many brushes inside are stiff, with many a brush still bearing the evidence of the last time they were used.

Underneath all the shrapnel, a plain white unlabelled carton reveals itself. I reach in and pull it out. It seems that it has never been opened, as the carton still pocesses the small piece of tape which held it shut. Curious, I carefully peeled back the tape and inside were several charcoal pencils.

I reach over to the side of my bench and grab a piece of plain white paper. An empty canvas. The moment the tip of the charcoal pencil makes contact with the paper, it shatters and disintegrates into nothign more than a fine black powder. A breeze blows through the open window and carries away the fine specs of carbon, leaving behind a bare sheet of paper, with nothing more than a single dot on the page.

I look out the window and watch and I look back down at my page. "This is my starting point" I whisper to myself.

So ever since i started this blog, i've been keep record of all my dreams. Partly because they were all so vivid and detailed, and partly because I wanted to write them down somewhere so one day i'd be able to read back through them and decipher them and to find out how i was really feeling back then.

Since the confession, i've kind of noticed but my dreams have sort of started fading away. They're no longer one big interconnected dream, but now its just random bits and pieces. Bits and pieces that i can no longer recall with any sort of clarity.

I dont know if thats a sign of a good thing or not, but i hope it is.

Last night i had a series of odd dreams. I was on the edge of a cliff, and down below me the water was lit up in bright lights, and I could see all the marine creatures swimming below. But what scared me was the number of sharks circling below.

I was then on a boat, making my way down a river, when the boat engine fails, and it starts to capsize.

In the last few blank pages of a book, i had written out my confession. As i was laying in bed, I heard someone (not sure who it was, but it was someone close to me) call out to me and ask me what the book was and why there was writing in the back of it. I tried to get up. I tried to call out and tell him not to open it. But i was overcome but a great sense of tiredness and could barely open my eyes or get out of bed.

There was another scene where i was sitting in a room, looking out the window, when all of a sudden a car pulls up in the drive way. A guy in his mid-40's hopped out and walked towards the door. I KNEW exactly who he was. He handed over to me a necklace. And just as he did, my sister came out and asked me who it was. I lied to her and said it was a work colleauge. Here is the scary thing - I had indeed lost a necklace, and I couldn't for the life of me remember where i left it. It then struck me that the last time i took that necklace off was at the guys place. I left it on his bedside drawer and forgot about it.

I was in a white old dusty room, sitting beside a fireplace. It was cold and i was shivering, but the fireplace was boarded up for some reason. So i just sat there, and looked on.

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I've got an exam in 3 hours. I really don't know how im going to go because well i haven't really been in the right frame of mind to be able to study. I went through my notes and I have a vague idea of what im supposed to know. Hopefully its sufficient to at least get a pass.

And then after my exam? I sort out my life.

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I had another dream.

I was in a swimming pool, when all of a sudden, the jets turned on and the pool was bubbling furiously until it started overflowing. Out of nowhere a large green python floated out of the water. And as i tried to avoid it, hundreds of other snakes appeared out of a bush beside the pool. I got out of the pool and i ran and ran towards the house with these serpents as well as other rodents coming after me. When i got into the house, i quickly realised that the doors didn't close properly, leaving large gaps big enough for the snakes and rodents to come through. I tried pulling on the doors to close them but the screws on the hinges all came undone. I went into the kitchen to get something to eat. As i was eating, it felt like the plate of food i had in my hands never got any smaller. No matter how much i ate, the content on the plate remained the same.

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Wish me luck for the exam. I know i'll need it.

Its one of those nights again, where I'm physically exhausted yet as much as i try, I just can't get to sleep. I wasnt going to post this but I just really need to get it out of my system.

Im going to warn you all first, because this post and perhaps the next few posts I write are going to be extremely personal and might be quite explicit. I haven't told anyone in person before, and the few that I've talked to online, I have told versions of the truth, but never the real truth, because of the nature of it, and the fact that I tried to bury it so deep within myself, that Im afraid of digging it up again and having to face it. The things im going to write, I'm afraid of. Im embarrassed, ashamed and I feel immense guilt about it. I feel so degraded and humiliated at what i've done.

I also want to apologize to the few people who i've told parts of the truth. You know who you are. Im really sorry for in a sense, lying to you. I feel terrible that I've lied about these things, and lead you to believe another version of reality about myself but i really hope you'll be able to understand why I didn't tell the truth. This is my confession. My coming clean. Dispelling the demons within me.

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As much as i dont want to admit to it, I'm depressed. I've suffered from depression for a long time now. If i had to put a date to it, I would say that it all started back my last two years of highschool, around 2004/2005. There would be times when I would just feel really bad, and cry myself to sleep. It was just a lot of things that contributed, but at the time, I didnt really think too much of it all, and I certainly would not have admitted to being 'depressed'. With that said I might leave this for another post, and I'll move on to talking about something that is a bit more current.

I moved away from home the year immediately after i graduated from highschool, to study at university. It was a HUGE deal for me, as it would be the first time that I would be so far away from my family for such a long time. At the time, i was so scared. None of my friends were moving down with me so I had no friends and i had no family down here eitehr. I was pretty much alone. My sister had also moved down a month before me, but she had found a place to live with a highschool friend of hers. I got accepted into a residential college (on-campus accomodation) and so that was where i would spend the first two years of my uni life.

I had always been really sheltered as a kid, so I was really socially awkward. I found it extremely difficult to socialise with people, and I found it hard to make friends. The first few weeks were really difficult for me because I didnt really know anyone and during those few weeks I used to feel so alone that I'd leave and spend the nights at my sisters place. Fortunately i found out that someone else who i went to highschool with, (but wasn't a close friend of mine) had also moved down and was staying at the same residential college, so I started hanging around with her. And it was through her that I met the people I did. So in a sense, she made friends with the other people, and I became friends with her friends. Those first two years living at college only then got better from then on. I did things that I had never gotten to do before, met people I never thought I'd ever get to meet, and generally just do the things i would never have been able to do if i was still at home. It was also at college that I started to question my sexuality. It was at college that I watched my first gay porn video - just out of curiousity, in the privacy of my own room - something i never had while i was at home. I really did think it was just a phase and that I'd grow out of it. Everytime i would watch something involving two guys, I would feel so guilty afterwards. I hated the fact that I didn't get turned off. I kept telling myself it wasn't normal, and that i needed to stop what i was doing. It was only a phase that would go away. And all i had to do was to not give in to these temptations i kept having. At one point I felt so bad about all the stuff i had downloaded that i purged my computer, wiping out everythign that i had downloaded. I felt a massive surge of relief after that. But it didn't last long before I gave in to temptation again. And i would feel regret and guilt each time I brought something up on my screen.

During those two years at college, apart from questioning myself, life in general was fairly good. Had a stable group of friends, a decent social life, and I was doing quite well at uni. One thing I do recall though, is that during these two years was when I started having these really strange dreams. Really abstract random, but scary dreams, like the ones that i have now. There was always someone or something after me, and it always ended with me being wounded/injured or killed. I never knew what they meant.

In 2008 i moved out with 3 friends from college and rented a house nearby the uni. I did so against the wishes of my parents. They wanted me to move in with my sister. But this was the first time in my life that i actually had, to me, 'proper' friends, and i wanted be with them. So i signed the lease without telling my parents. They were furious when I told them i had signed a year long lease.

It was this year that i really started to spiral into a deeper depression. Being at college, and being around so many people all the time, really for better or worse, kept my mind off a lot of things. There were so many distractions at college that there wasn't really much time to really think about things and think about myself.

I met a guy off an internet forum, and we started talking. I kind of lied to him about myself, because i was afraid that if i told him about the real me, that he might not want to be my friend. We would spend hours and hours talking online (he lived in canada) and the more we talked, the more i felt like I really really liked this guy. One day he mentioned that he was thinking about coming to Australia, and that he would really like to meet me. It was then that i got slightly nervous, because I had told him certain things about me that weren't true. When it became clear that he had serious intentions, i started to back off a bit, and soon our usual routine of daily chatting became more like a few words exchanged every now and then.

Pretty soon we stopped talking altogether. I felt so bad about not telling the truth, but I was just so scared of being rejected that i felt i had to lie to him to make him want to be my friend. I started feeling really secluded and alone after we stopped talking. I started to question my self worth, and started thinking that I wasn't good enough for anyone. I really started to hate myself. I started drifting away from my housemates. It was a different environment living out of college. There were no distractions, there were no other people around besides my housemates, and the level of social interaction was significantly less than when i was living at college.

Although i was living with friends, I felt so isolated from everyone. I felt like i didn't know these people well enough to talk to them about how i was feeling. So i kept it all inside. I felt so alone and inside all i wanted to do was scream. I just wanted someone i could talk to about how im feeling and for someone to just understand me. All in the meantime, i started putting on a front. An overly confident self to make up for how i really felt inside - lonely and vulnerable. I wouldnt be able to sleep at night, and toss and turn all night until morning. And then i'd be so tired that i wouldn't get out of bed and just lay there all day. My housemates noticed my excessive time in bed, and would often joke around and bang on my door loudly and yell and scream at me to get out of bed and stop being a lazy ass. I don't hold anything against them, because they didn't know better. I would have thought the same, especially because of the front that i was putting on.

I was also on sleeping medication. I've been on sleeping medication since the last half of my second year living at college. At one point, I ended up in hospital because of a suspected allergic reaction to some sleep medication i took. To this day i dont remember what happened that night. All i can remember is vomitting a lot and a whole heap of people in my room. I was told that the nurses at the hospital were worried that i had tried to overdose on paracetamol as they found a near empty packet on my table. I can't really remember much from that night. So i dont know whether i was in hospital because of the sleep medication or from the paracetamol.

Anyway sorry for digressing. After my online friend and i stopped chatting, I fell into a depressive cycle. I'd just feel so alone everynight. I'd cry a lot. I wouldnt' be able to fall asleep. I'd then take the sleeping tablets. And that would make me drift off, but then I'd feel so weak and drowsy in the mornings. I skipped a lot of my classes because i never felt in the right mood to go. It really showed in my grades as my GPA just kept slipping down.

I got to the point of desperation one day, (unfortunately it was during final exam week), and I went onto an online dating site, and started looking through profiles. But i didnt have a paid membership so all i could do was view, and not send any messages. But i was that desperate that I kind of stalked a guy, and found his youtube account and sent him a message through there. We talked for a bit on msn and he said he'd liek to meet me. His last exam was a few days before mine and we planned to meet up after he had finished his. The day we were supposed to meet up was also the day that i had my last exam. I was totally not prepared at all for my exam so i faked a sicky and got a doctors certificate and had my exam postponed. I called him up asking where he wanted to meet. But he didn't reply. So i messaged him, and he messaged back saying that he couldn't make it because he had to do something. And after that message, I never heard from him again.

Rejection hurt so bad. I was in such a bad state of mind at the time that although i had my exam postponed by a month, when the day came, i was underprepared and I went into the exam thinking i was going to fail for sure. When the results came out, I JUST scraped through and got a pass. But it was my lowest score for a semester yet. I just barely passed every subject i did.

I went home that christmas, and just wiped everything off my mind.

In 2009 i moved in with my sister and her BF who had now replaced her highschool friend as a housemate. Being in this situation i think amplified my feelings of loneliness. I felt so out of place and as if i was the third wheel. They'd go out and do things together and leave me alone at home by myself. Whenever they used to go out, I would spend excessive amounts of time in the kitchen just cooking stuff that i wouldn't eat. Cleaning things excessively. Finding all sorts of things to do to keep my mind off being alone. I eventually started walking around late at night, which wasn't the best or safest thign to do. I would walk several kilometres in the dark by myself. I'd come back, and then go to sleep still feeling a great sense of loneliness.

You could say that i could have just called up my friends and gone out and done something, but a lot of the friends i made at college were either international students or interstate students, and by this time, most of them had graduated and had either gone back interstate or overseas. And the few friends i had left were usually busy. The times that we did go out, it just never seemed the same as it did back in college. Most of them had girlfriends or boyfriends and it wasn't much fun going out and feeling like the third wheel all the time.

There were days when I just felt like i couldn't go on. Times i just felt like i was trapped in a concrete box with no way out.

I joined up with a gay matchmaking website, hoping that i'd be able to make a few friends. I eventually started talking to a guy and he asked me if i wanted to hang out with him. A while back I wrote a story on my blog called Naive. The truth is, this wasn't a story. This was what really happened to me. It was real. Jay = Me.

I had only known him for a few hours before he asked me to meet up with him the next day. I really thought we would be friends. I didn't know he had other intentions. I was really naive. At first we spent time talking, over coffee. And then we drove around for a while. He claimed he didn't know where he was going and that we were just randomly driving. We stopped off at this park. To be fair it was more like a jungle because there was a lot of trees and it was quite dense. And while we were in there, he kissed me. I was so nervous i was trembling. It was the first time i had ever kissed anyone.

There were people coming our way so we decided to leave. And we drove off for a bit, until we stopped at another place i had never been to before. We walked for a bit before he led me to a public restroom. I thought he needed to go, so i waited outside. I waited for what seemed like more than 5 minutes. And then he walked out, gave me a stern look, and kind of made a gesture to me as if telling me to come in. I replied that i didn't need to go. Again he looked a bit annoyed and gestured for me to come in. So i did. And it was there in the handicapped stall of a public restroom that i lost my virginity. We had unprotected sex in a public restroom. It was my first sexual experience ever and i was so scared, nervous but at the same time i was excited. Being my first time, it hurt so bad. He also kept asking me to fuck him as well, but it was so new to me that I couldn't get in the mood. So he went back to fucking me. Until he came. In me. I got myself off and then we cleaned up. Just as we were about to leave, I went up to kiss him. And he pushed me away. We left the public restroom and walked a bit and then sat down on a park bench. I asked him if he was ok, and he said that he wasn't into the touchy-feely stuff. We walked to his car, and he drove me back to the shopping centre where he picked me up from. He didn't say one word during that drive. I honestly thought we were going to hang out some more, but he left me there, aplogized that he had to go. And then he hugged me and told me to keep in contact. And so i did. but he never replied. He never came online again.

I was so confused. I lost my mind for a while. I didnt know what i was supposed to think. I thought we were going to be friends. I thought sex was going to be something more special. I had so many things running through my head. I was extremely lost, and i felt so worthless. I was numb. It hurt so bad to think you had made a friend and to have that taken away from you so fast. I fell into a deeper void, and for the next few months, I stopped caring. I stopped caring about my life. about my uni. about myself. I started meeting up with random guys, thinking i would be able to meet someone nice. But all anyone ever wanted was to fuck me. It was all for sex. Afterwards, i woudl never hear from anyone again. I talked to so many people online only to have them reject me or end up blocking me. I started sleeping with guys just to feel some form of human connection. Even if for a short while. In those few months i ended up sleeping with at least 8 different people. (And im really so sorry that I never told you the truth. You know who you are :-( )

And then i met another guy. He was his his late forties. After being rejected so many times, I just didn't care anymore. So i met up with him. He told me i was beautiful. Noone had ever said that to me before. I almost cried. He kept telling me that. And then he fucked me. He dropped me off at the station and i made my way home. I felt shame, guilt and embarrassment. This man, who just slept with me, was older than my father! I crawled into bed feeling so dirty, and so worthless. I felt like my life had no meaning. That sex had no meaning. That my body had no meaning at all anymore. I said to myself that i wasn't going to do it anymore.

And i stopped. I deleted all my online accounts. I went cold turkey.

And then the loneliness crept in again. And what was supposedly a once off thing with the man in his late forties became something that was more regular.

Not beause the sex was good. But because i realised that to feel loved, accepted and beautiful, that was the price i had to pay. I had to satisfy him.

He was rather well hung, so everytime we had sex, i was in pain. Every single time it hurt, but i pretended that i was enjoying it. This went on for half a year. Until i couldn't do it anymore. And i messaged him telling him that i dont feel this is what i wanted anymore. And he said he understood.

And ever since then, I just feel so dirty. I feel like a whore. A slut. I feel as if i have no worth anymore. As much as i try to think im a good person, I just cant anymore. A voice in my head keeps echoing how much of a worthless piece of shit i am. A dirty tramp who doesnt' deserve any respect from anyone.

I look at myself in the mirror, and i hate myself. I hate the way i look. I hate my body. There is not a single thing i like about myself. I see this person in the mirror and all i can think of is ugly and dirty.

As much as I wont admit to it, it really has affected me in so many ways. I've become really withdrawn, and I dont really socialise much with people anymore. I get nervous when i have to socialise. Im not very confident at anything i do anymore, and Im finding it harder and harder to get the courage to do anything. All i ever feel like doing now is sitting in my room by myself with the door locked.

I cant stop thinking that im second class. That im used goods. I can't find anything good to say about myself. I feel like i dont compare to anyone else. I feel liek im below them.

I feel inferior to everyone else around me. I've got this inferiority complex that i can't shake off. I also think i might have body dysmorphic disorder.

I really am ill. I've been suffering from insomnia for a long time. And also as a result hypertension. I've also developed a bit of an eating disorder. Even when im really really hungry, I just wont eat. Not because i wont make the effort to eat, but because I just really dont feel like eating. I can cook all the stuff in the world, yet I wont feel like eating anythign that i've cooked. I've gone whole days without eating a single thing. But then I end up binging on really unhealthy food. Takeaway stuff like McDonalds and KFC. And i've developed an addiction to fructose. I start getting angry for no reason if i dont have something sweet like Juice or fruit. And then i'll go back to not eating for a while, and then binging on junk food. I have to say that perhaps i have a decent metabolism or something, because as a result of my abnormal eating patterns and stress, I've only gained 6kgs of weight. I thought i would have gained so much more but still, 6kgs of excess weight is still not a good thing.

There are mornings where i wake up and i'd feel so crap. I'd wake up with massive headaches and the only way to make myself feel better is for me to make myself vomit by sticking my fingers down my throat. I dont know if its a good thign to be doing but it seems to be the only thing that makes me feel slightly better.

All this eating stuff has also made my stomach a bit odd. Im bigger in every way than my sister, but I can barely eat. She eats soo much more than I do. I mean i have trouble finishing off a 6 inch sub from Subway. I really dislike going to dinners because i feel so bad that i can't finish the food. I also feel bad when people take me to buffets because I wont even get through my first plate of food.

Mum knows about my hypertension, but she doesn't know about anything else. I've told her that im just stressed out about uni. At one stage while i was back home on a break, a blood vessel burst in my right eye, and it just kept bleeding. Eventually it stopped, and since then mum has been super worried about me. I keep telling her that my hypertension is due to stress from uni, but i can't use that excuse anymore because im only doing 1 subject at uni right now and im due to graduate at the end of the year.

Iknow this has been a long post, but I really really needed to get it out.
I dont really know what else to write so i'll leave it at this. I'll write about my highschool incidents in future posts.

I really do think my insomnia is getting worse and worse. The moment I slip under the covers of my bed, and rest my head on my pillow, its like all of a sudden I have this massive rush of blood to my head and I literally feel like my head is about to explode. I just feel so tense all the time, as if I have all this pressure building up within my head. It doesn't matter how tired I can be beforehand, but the moment I try to close my eyes to sleep, I simply can't.

Everytime I close my eyes, a million thoughts, feelings and emotions come rushing into my head. Not a single thought in particular, but just a whole jumble of everythign and anything. It doesn't make any sense at all. The only realy way i can describe it is an entire stack of documents just being flung up into the air, and watching it scatter everywhere as it falls back down to the ground. Except in my head, these thoughts and feelings dont fall to the ground. They stay there, suspended in mid air.

My mind is so clouded, I can't think straight at all. I can't make logical or rational decisions. I feel like i dont know what is right or wrong anymore.

Within this jumble in my head, lies something extremely personal, dark, humiliating and something that I am so ashamed, embarrassed and guilty about. I keep thinking that its really nothing, and that I haven't at all been much affected by it. But truth is, this very thing has plagued my mind ever since, and has changed who I am and my personality and how i behave in a significant way.

I may or may not have told anyone. I may or may not have tweaked the truth. But it lingers inside me, eating away at my sanity. This big dark shadow in my mind. I can't get it away from me.

I just want to come clean. I want to dispel these demons. I keep thinking that if i pretend that it never happened or if i just ignore it that it will go away. But it doesn't. The darkness just grows and grows in my mind.

I want to just let it out. And learn to let it go. But im afraid. And ashamed. And humiliated by it.

The Darkness In My Mind

Its 5:12am in the morning. I went to bed at around 2am. Im up and awake. Seriously, I've had the worst 3 hours, laying in bed, with everything, with nothing, running through my head. Laying there tossing and turning trying to fall asleep. Drifting in and out of sleep. Fading in and out of a dream world and the real world.

In those 3 hours, I had an epiphany.

At work just a few hours before that, Nick had asked to use my phone to text one of his friends, since he had run out of credit on his phone. Knowing me, and after a past incident, I NEVER let anyone touch my phone or my computer. But just this once, I let him, trusting that he would not violate my personal privacy by going through my messages or looking through my phone.

I get nervous whenever anyone asks to use my phone or computer. I get anxious that they'll accidentally open up a message or a bookmark that would ultimately spill the secret that i've held so close to me.

I was in bed when i got several messages come through on my phone. THey were from Nick. He was asking of a huge favor of me. He needed a place to stay, just for the night. So I agreed, and replied back and told him he could stay on the sofa for the night, and sent him my address.

When nick arrived, there was someone with him. A female friend of his. We had never agreed to this, but apparently she also needed a place to stay. Reluctantly I agreed that she could also stay, and pretty soon we all ended up on the fold out bed just chatting. I was on the far left side, Nick was in the middle, and his friend was on the far right side of the rather small and uncomfortable fold out bed. It was getting late so we decided to turn out the lights. Just as the lights were turned out, nick realised he needed to grab something that was laying on the ground beside the bed. He sort of tried to cross over me, but somehow ended up with his arms around me and spooning me.

I turned around and faced him, and asked him what he was doing. He didn't say anything, but i could imagine him smiling back at me in the dark. We kissed. One thing led to another and what originally was a 'twosome' became a 'threesome' with his friend joining in.

It was an intense feeling, being able to be with nick. Although it was quite a sexual situation, the feelings I had, really had nothign to do with lust or pleasure. I felt safe with nick. Secure. A feeling of worth, and love. The feeling that i was no longer alone. I guess you could say it made me feel complete.

Nicks friend persistently tried to get in on the action with me, but I kept pushing her away, and focusing on Nick. I had never felt this way about women before. It just felt so surreal. I have always been alright with seeing female in the nude and the thought of having sex with a female had never bothered me at all in the past, sometimes it actually turned me on. But tonight, I felt something that I had never felt before. I felt an immense repulsion towards her advances on me. I was happy with where i was with Nick, and I didn't want her to come between us. I was complete and didn't need a third.

After that Nick whispered in my ear, and asked me to keep this between the two of us. I promised him.

For some reason we all ended up in a room. My sister was in the room, as well as my younger brother, in addition to nick, his friend, and another two guys who i didn't know. There was idle conversation in the room when one of the guys mentioned Nick and I. I glanced over to Nick, and he gave me a disapproving look, as if to tell me not to say anything. Just before I could answer, my sister turned to me, and asked me "Is there something you want to tell me?" The random guy who had just asked about Nick and I chipped in with "Oh you know, it was so obvious."

"Why are you asking me this?" i answered, in response to both my sisters question and to random guy. "Because i dont want this to go on anymore. Im sick of all the lies and the fights and the trouble" my sister answered. All eyes were on me at this point, and i felt so under pressure and so vulnerable like i've never been before. My eyes started filling with tears, but I held them back, and tried to act as if none of this was true. I wouldn't look anyone in the eyes and I started talkinga bout something else that was completely unrelated. Yet everyone still had their eyes on me, waiting for my reply. So close to tears i was, and so close to just bursting. A million things were running through my mind and i was tryign to stay calm, making up a list of pros and cons in my head and tryign to assess the situation to try and find some way out or at least some sort of damage control.

Then my brother, who had not said a word until this point looked over at me, and said to me, "you know, they're right. You've always been so scared of trouble. Scared of what people say and always wanting to avoid having to deal with the truth, so you tell people what they want to hear".

Those words echoed in my mind. I didn't want to agree with what he was saying, but i realised that everything he said was 100% true. And it took him to tell me to make me realise.

Theres a show called 'Skins' that focuses of the life of a bunch of teenagers and goes through the issues that each character faces. In the current season, theres a Character called Grace. Of all the characters that have been on the show, she bears the most similarity to me. In her words "...I am, who i need to be". That was her response to someone telling her that she has a fake personality and is a different person around different people. Essentially, her life is my life in that respect. I am who i need to be. I am a different person around different people, and i Mould myself around others and their thoughts and opinions. Never having an opinion or view of my own, but agreeing with others, even if i dont feel the same way they do. Not wanting to cause any friction or trouble. Willing to sacrifice my own freedom of thought in order to avoid conflict and confrontation.

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Its odd that the most powerful messages are conveyed to me through my dreams.

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I have an appointment with my counsellor on thursday. but im not sure what i want or should talk about. Lately i just have this immense lack of care for everything that is going on. I've just pushed everything aside and just pretended that nothing exists. It seems to be having a positive affect on my mood, but I know that it will all fall back on me again soon.

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Its 6:11AM and I haven't had much sleep. This post probably makes no sense. Im going to try and go back to sleep.

Charlie, my sister and myself were going out to dinner, and we somehow stopped by a fancy looking restaurant. One we knew we were never going to be able to afford. We never had any intentions to go there, but we were waiting outside for some reason. The waiter greeted us out at the door and tried to usher us in. I told him we were alright. He asked if he could at least offer us something. So i asked for some water. He asked if i'd like some ice. I said no, just water.

Unlike other dreams, i couldn't remember the dialogue at all. It was like i just sat back and watched everything happened in MUTE. The waiter came back, and dropped a tub of water on the floor and walked away. I knew this waiter, he was a guy I had hooked up with a long while back. Something happened and my sister got upset. Charlie was aggrevated and got up and confronted the waiter. A brawl broke out. I couldn't understand anythign taht was going on. I walked up and asked a waitress what was going on. She wouldn't tell me. She refused to tell me, until I screamed at her. WHen she spoke to me, i couldn't understand what she was saying. But i picked up the following:

- something about 'ice'
- something about 'chicken'
- 10 newcomers to the establishment every month
- 3 bodies discarded
- a warning that I need to at all cost avoid "Gotham", a big fellow, dresses in black gear and has multiple tatoos.
- something about hosing down

Gotham walked into the restaurant, and the waitress frantically told me i had to go. I grabbed my sister and charlie, and told them we needed to leave immediately. The followed me out but so did the waitress. My sister then accidentally dropped her hand bag, where her wallet ID, and other cards fell out onto the ground. We frantically tried to pick everythign up, and i noticed that the waitress was also helping us, but she kept a few cards and put them in her pocket. I called her out and told her to hand it back over. I told her i'd call the police and tell them EVERYTHING if she didn't comply.

Gotham walked out to see what the commotion was about. Everythign went black. I woke up, trembling and sweating like crazy.

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So.... those thigns that i couldn't understand in the dream, i decided to google them, to see if they had some sort of hidden meaning.

- 'ice' slang for methamphetamines and also a term used to refer to the conspired murder or killing of someone

- 'chicken' another slang term for Methamphetamine

- 10 newcomers to the establishment: the restaurant was actually a cover for a drug operation, with at least 10 new 'customers' every week. Apparently we innocently discovered the operation, by not dining, and asking for 'water' with no 'ice'.

- 3 dead bodies. The waitress was telling me about 3 dead bodies. There were three of us - me, charlie and my sister.

- Gotham: the waitress told me that we had to at all cost avoid gotham. Im assuming Gotham was the drug lord. In reference to DC comics, Gotham was the city that Batman resided in. It is described as: a dark and foreboding metropolis rife with crime, grime, corruption, and a deep-seated sense of urban decay in the parts of the city not rejuvenated post-No Man's Land. Take this description, and describe a person with it, and you get Gotham, the drug lord.

- Hosing down: slang term referring to murder or kill someone in such a manner that the victim is dead or unable to walk away.

- Waitress taking my sisters cards as form of id: she was in on this operation as well, she couldn't let us get away, seeing as we now knew what really went on. She needed some way to find us, and my sisters dropped cards was how they were going to find us.

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Now i ask - what the FUCKING hell is wrong with me? Why am i dreaming up all these crazy things? Ice, chicken, hosing down, ??? I mean, i dont even know what the fuck methamphetamines are!! I'm the most unknowledgeable person when it comes to 'drugs'. I dont know any terms/slang or drug references so how these terms popped into my head i have no idea. There must be a reason why the people in the dream were in the dream. Why wasn't Hayden in this dream? Why was it Charlie and my sister? Why is everyone always out to get me in my dreamscape? Why do i keep dying?

I dont know what goes on in my head. Its like all my dreams are puzzles with hidden messages and clues and loaded with a heap of metaphors. My dreams have no bearing with what happens in reality.

And no, i didn't just watch a crime/drug related movie or tv show.

Is it possible for dreams to continue? Well apparently.

I wanted to talk to Hayden. I wanted to explain why I did what i did. Why i kissed him. I'd try to talk to him, but he'd keep trying to change the subject or walk away. I kept holding him back, until he agreed to go for a walk with me so I could explain things to him.

I lead him to a quiet street where there wasn't many people around so i could talk to him. I tried to explain how i felt about him, and that i've always felt that way about him. He was a little shocked to learn that I've liked him ever since i first met him. And then i explained why i kissed him. I kept explaining it over and over again. It was strange, and i dont know why, but after a while, it ended up with Hayden explaining and justifying why HE kissed me. Why HE felt the way he did about me. I dont understand.

And then as we were walking, the streets started to flood. The water levels rose so rapidly, as i got stranded on one side of the street, while Hayden was on the other side. He waved at me, and walked away. I called out asking him to help me. Asking him to wait for me. But he never replied. He dissappeared. The flood waters kept rising.

I awoke in a hospital room. My bed levitating on the ground. My entire body paralysed, not being able to move a limb. I tried to call out to someone, but I had no voice. All i could do was move my eyes. I couldn't close them. The bed kept levitating but then it started to rotate around its axis like a wheel. There was a mirror on the side of the wall. The hospital room was empty. but in the reflection of the mirror, there were doctors and nurses trying to treat a dying patient. I couldn't move. i couldn't speak. The bed kept roatating. Until i fell out. I got up and looked in the mirror again. There was nothing but my own reflection.

The unmistakable rumble of the helicopters flying above me makes me shiver. The intense light emanating from their spot lights i must avoid. They're out to get me. I mustn't be seen nor heard. I can put my trust in nobody.

The room I'm in gives me the sense that theres celebrations about to unfold. Christmas tinsel hangs from the ceiling, and embellish the rather drab grey walls. The irony is that theres a banner acroos the room that says "happy birthday" and there's a large cake, sitting in the middle of a table in the centre of the room. It could be someones birthday, it could be christmas day. It could be both. It could be neither. For all i know, this world isn't real. My friends are gathered around me, to celebrate this special occassion with me. There is an eery silence, as we all sit in the room motionless and quiet. Zombie-like.

I can't hear what my friends are thinking. But i can communicate with them through thoughts. At first its one way communication. Until they hear what im communicating. It is only then that two way dialogue is possible. I can only communicate to those, who are willing to hear me first. Otherwise my thoughts fall upon closed minds. A christmas bon-bon floats from one side of the room to the other. It floats, because my mind says it can. If i believe it can, it will. I must not succumb to doubt.

Beside a fountain lays a young man, deeply disturbed and clearly upset. The soft sound of gently cascading water fills the eery silence that was once present. He weeps. Tears of blood, tears of sorrow. His body disintegrates as he weeps into nothing more than fragments of broken pottery, in the palm of my hands, covered in blood.

On the bus im sitting, with nearly every seat occupied. I'm in awe of the energy of the mind and the energy of thought itself. On this bus, I can feel the energy radiating. I can't hear what people are thinking. But i can talk to them through thought. If their mind believes, if they hear me, I am then able to hear them too. Those with doubtful minds I cannot connect with.

"Don't be afraid, I wont hurt you"
"Who are you, and what do you want with me? Why can I hear you? Where are you?"
"Who I am, and why you can hear me are of no importance. Your acceptance and belief is all that matters. You must help me. We must go.. THEY are coming"
"How am I to help you? Where are you? Please show yourself!"
"Turn around and look behind you"

The young lady turns around and glances at me, and i nod back to her in confirmation.

"Listen, you must disguise me. Do not try to fight me. I wont hurt you"
"What do you mean? How am i to disguise you? What will you do to me?"
"You will see"
"Whats happening to me? I can't control my body anymore. What are you doing? Please don't hurt me. Where have you gone?"
"Don't be alarmed. You will be safe. You can't control your body anymore, because I am now controlling you. My mind has become your conscience, and yours has now been pushed back to the subconscience region. I cannot feel what you feel, but i can see what you see and control what you do. Right now, doubt is your biggest danger"
"You're hijacking my body. What are you going to do to me? Where have you gone?"
"In a way i guess you could say that. You need to help me. You're body is my disguise. My body that you once saw, is now a figment of your imagination. If you believe that I'm not there anymore, then I am no longer there. I am here. Inside with you."
"How will I help you?"
"We must be as one. You must believe that we can be as one. Our thoughts must synchronise and merge into one. Otherwise the doubt that your mind pocesses may drive me out like a virus, and put you into grave danger. We must be united as a single mindset."

As we merge, there is no longer dialogue, as there are no longer two separate mindsets communicating with each other. What she sees, i see. What she feels, i now feel. We must get away from THEM. The light from the helicopters MUST NOT be upon us. She walks through a dark street. A helicopter flies over, and she is engulfed in light. For a few seconds we lose sychronisation and her vision to me becomes blurry.

"You are in grave danger if they see me. You mustn't be doubtful. We need to be in unity again"
"The light. there is somethin so sinister about it."
"It is sinister, only if you believe it is. We must be as one again. Rid your mind of doubt."

Alarms sound and just as the helicopter is about to open fire, we are again as one. The alarms stop and the helicopter moves on.

We are now in what looks to be an abandoned warehouse. It is infact, not abandoned at all, but fully operational. There are open circular saws everywhere. Those who dont obey THEIR will, are sent to the saws.

Alarms start sounding again. I find myself standing beside her. "What have you done?" I called out to her. "Im so sorry. I can't do this anymore" she replied as she runs off. THEY are coming for me. Hundreds of them, are coming for me. I am backed into a corner. There are several saws behind me. I am done for. I am inches from the saw, and THEY push me closer and closer. "I'm so sorry. Please have faith in me again" I hear.

My vision blurs and as i regain sight, I see what she sees. As one we move away from warehouse. In a dark alley way, again she leaves me. "Im sorry. Be safe" she tells me before she dissappears into the darkness. I keep walking.

The landscape is so urban yet so desolate. The people around are mindless, succumbing to THEIR will. I walk into a garage, where behind a car, is a mechanic. His mind is closed. He chooses not to hear me. Theres nothign i can do. THEY have him. He asks me if I require help. He said he will be back to assist me. Out of the garage he walks, and suddenly as a helicopter flies over, he signals them. Alarms sound and the light from the helicopter lights up the garage. The helicopter opens fire, the car in front of me is engulfed in flames. The image in front of me begins to blur, and I am pulled to a different location. What she sees, is what i see.

It seems SHE is able to manipulate her mind at will. Control what she believes and what she wants to believe as real. Her mind is now at war with doubt. The real danger is only about to start.

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@Biki
Don't stress out about me. I'm safe and well. Im using wireless internet atm because our cable internet is down due to the flooding. Will talk to you soon. Stay safe.

I'm walking on a the road, beside a park, and as i walk past a nearby house, a black poople runs out and starts barking at me. All of a sudden it runs up to me and bites my arm and doesn't let go. It's teeth are sinking into my soft flesh, as i struggle to shake it off. I swing my arms up, lifting the dog off the ground and as I do, the the inertia is enough to detach the dog from myself, ripping flesh off my arms. I run, faster and faster, in a manic attempt to lose the dog that just attacked me. I take a quick glance backwards, and not only is the dog still after me, its gaining ground quick! I alter my course, off the road, and into the park. The park is a large open grassy area, surrounded by a border of trees, with a few odd trees in the centre of the field. With every stride I take, and the closer i get towards the trees in the centre, they blur and become a shadowy mass. The silhouette of the trees suddenly morph into creatures, which start to chase me, as I run past. The first tree morphs from a shadow into the prehistoric dinosaur, tyrannosaurus. The second tree into a pteradactyl while the third tree forms a plesiosaur, in which the ground it formed upon became liquid. The pteradactyl swoops at me from above, with the intention to irradicate me, while the tyrannosaurus follows close behind wanting to make a meal out of me. The plesiosaur is also after me, and as it gets closer, the ground beneath my feet liquifies. All the while, the little black poodle still has its sights set on my arm.

The only course of action available to me is to run for dear life, and as I do, i develop the ability to fly, and perch myself up onto a branch of a large tree on the edge of the park. The branch that im perched on suddenly groands and creaks, and then without warning, snaps, plunging downwards towards the ground which has now turned into a black hole. The sound of breaking wood pierces my ear drums. As i fall, i notice all the other branches of the tree snapping off, and as they fall, they morph into small boulders, ready to crush my soul as soon as we hit something solid. During the free fall, I manage to rock hop between the boulders until all of a sudden the boulders formed a staircase. I follow the staircase upwards, for what seems like an eternity until I get to the top, where I am greeted by a man and a woman. They tell me to come quickly, as they lead me to a room. there are large glass windows on 3 sides of the room. The woman tells me this is were she'll leave me. I thank her, and watch her walk out the room, and down the corridor towards the stairs. As i turn back, i notice that the man no longer has any clothes on. "But you have a wife..." I explain to him. I look around the room and the door which I had once came through, has now dissappeared. "We had better make it quick then" replied the man. With no way out, I walk towards the window. To my surprise, the window is not made of glass, but of liquid, and as i pass through the window, my surroundings change, and I find I am in a aircraft hangar.

I run outside only to find that I'm in a military base, with fighter jets flying above me. As quickly as the jets came, they dissappeared and in there place came pieces of shrapnel falling out of the sky. I scramble for cover, only to find the aircraft hangar that i just came out of has dissappeared. Out of sheer desperation, i run along the length of the runway, dodging any incoming shrapnel. At the end of the runway, is a path. A sandy path that looks like it could lead to a beach. But on either side of the narrow path is a razor sharp barbed wire fence. I notice some people walking towards me, so as they approached, i warned them "be cautious of the barbed wire fence. It looks rather sharp". They look at me with confusion, and as they try to pass me, they inadvertantly push me into the barbed wire fence to my right. I look down at my bleeding arm, and I notice that the time on my watch reads "PEAK:HOUR".

Hundreds upon hundreds of people fill up the path, and as they attempt to get pass me, I'm pushed along the fence. "Remember, the barbed wire fence is razor sharp!" I tell the people. My reminder fell on death ears as the people pass me by. The girls who pass by me appear to be topless. It made me question whether they are topless just because they're topless or whether it was because they weren't human. Up ahead of me, an ipod and a textbook lay on top of a fence post. The textbook has the name "Ryan Alman" inscribed on the front. I ask the people whether the ipod belonged to anyone. From a distance, a guy waves his arm in the air, and then points to the guy beside him. "That's not a very smart place to leave your pocessions. Someone could have taken it. I suggest you leave your belongings in a locker" I scold him. The path leads uphill. As i get to the crest, the flow of traffick suddenly comes to a
hault. The earth rumbles below me, and the ground beneath my feet breaks apart. The sound of hundreds of screaming people bellow in my ears, as we fall. We fall. Onto a wooden floor we land. "Attention ladies and gentlemen, please prepare yourselves for the next fall" a voice announces. The floorboards below us creak and groan, until they eventually give way and we fall again. Like a collapsing building, we fall through the levels of a building until eventually we reach the basement floor. There is not a sound. I brush myself off, stand up, and try to take a breath. "Congratulations" a voice announces.

"As compensation for your suffering, you may choose one of the following, provided you sign this non-disclosure agreement". In the middle of the room, is a large square table. On top of that table sits a bay marie hot food box, with an old microwave, and some other kitchen appliances. Behind the bay marie is a skinny old man with a smirk on his face. "So, which shall it be?" he questions. "Surely not any of those" i reply. "If you so wish, i shall go and fetch it for you" and with that the old man hobbled away. In the corner of the room stands a cleaner. He does not say a word. Through the steel gate at the back of the room, a man walks in. "Quick, take these keys. Theres a car down in the car park. Take that. Go to the address I'm about to tell you" he says. I take the keys off him, and run downstairs, and sure enough like he said there was a car. I opened up the car, and just as im about to get in, i notice a bear trap in the footwell near the pedals. I drop the keys and run. Away from the house, and into the crowded streets of the Central Business Disctrict. "You shouldn't have done that" a voice booms. The people in the street stop immediately, and turn and look at me. For only a few seconds. And then they continue on their way. "Please, help me" i beg of them, "take me to the train station. I need to get away." The people stop again, and stare like mindless zombies. Again the continue on their way. The streets start to flood.

The water engulfs the cars along the street until they can be seen no more. The people on the street tell me to come. But i know better than to listen to them. Because by giving in to them, i am surrendering myself to lies, deceit and certain death. I can trust NOBODY. I flee from the scene. Into an abondoned building where i will be safe from THEM. A few moments i spend in the darkness by myself. Until light filled the room. And beside me stood three people claiming to be friends. They said they would help. They promised me that they weren't one of THEM. And i believed. Right up until one of them turned into a clay figure, the other died in front of me, while the last became violently ill and began to vomit heavily. The trickery, the cunningness and darkness that is inherent in THEM. I couldn't take anymore of it. I wanted to end it all.

To the swollen river i fled, and off the highest bank, into the fastest rapids of the deepest water, I jumped. And behind me, in boats, THEY came. For several moments I had believed i had ended it all.

The river suddenly became dry until it was nothing more than a little trickle of water. Mother stood behind me. She told me I must come. Inside a train we sat, where she confided in me that she wasn't one of THEM. We were to go to the Castle, where the MASTER PLAN shall be revealed. I took out my camera, to take pictures of the view, and through my viewfinder, mother could not be seen. Instead, in front of me, through the viewfinder, was a skinny old man. "This is what you have chosen" he told me. I put my camera down. "Everything will be alright" mother says to me.

When i awake, I find myself in a white room. In the room is a small table, and around the table are 4 or 5 very short men. They told me to take shots with them. So i did. However the shot glasses had blood in them. And unlike me, they drank the shots from the bottom of the glass. How is that possible i thought to myself. The room started to shrink around me, and the people around me got shorter and shorter. And then there was darkness...

It's been a while since I was last on here. I know my last few posts haven't exactly been very easy to read or positive, and the few who have read my blog would probably think that I'm a very troubled, deeply depressed, confused and negative person. I guess thats somewhat true to an extent. The thing is though, this blog is usually my last resort, and I come here to spill my guts, to expell the toxins in my life and i guess the blog serves its purpose as a blackhole to which i dump my emotions in. With that said, the reason i guess that a lot of my posts aren't very positive is that when im in a good mood, i dont generally feel the need to come here. With that said, I now have several followers - which is more than what i ever imagined, since from the start, I always thought this blog would remain unread by anyone except for me. To those people, I'd like to say thankyou. Thankyou for being here, and giving me feedback and advice. Thankyou for letting me know im not alone. Thankyou for giving me insights into your own experiences through your own blogs. And a big thankyou to the few bloggers who i've had the honour of being able to talk to one-on-one through IM. You know who you are - once again, thankyou, and i appreciate your friendship.

Since the last time I posted, I guess things have settled down a little bit. I spent my christmas away from my family, and with a friend who I used to live with on campus. Away from my sister. Away from my housemate. Away from my family. Sometimes its just good to get away from everyday life. The ironic thing though, all this time i had away from my usual everyday life, you'd think i'd use it to think through things, about my life, about my circumstances - when in fact, I did no thinking, no self-reflection or anything alone those lines. I dont know if its a good thing or not, but I guess im sort of treating it as a temporary high, where i dont give a damn about anyone or anything. I've just shoved everything to the sides and forgotten about it. Im not particuarly proud of what i've done, but I feel happy. I feel satisfied with the way things are. But all things will come to an end sooner or later. This temporary high will end soon.

I've been spending a great deal of time with Hayden. I'm finding that I'm growing fonder of him everyday and every time i see him. I get excited whenever i hear my txt message tone that alerts me of a new message. I get excited everytime i see him popup on my instant messenger screen or whenever he comments or 'likes' somethign on my facebook profile. A few months ago, when i first met him, i would have never imagined how happy he would make me. But with light, there is always dark. With positive there is always a minus. And in this case, the happier he makes me, the sadder i get. A feeling deep inside me grows and makes me wanting to cut him out of my life altogether. The few months that i've known him, I feel as if I can connect with him so much better than other friends which i've known for years. Theres something about him, but i feel comfortable being around him.

The problem stems from the fact that the more we are together, the craving for something more than just friends grows. I feel that im beginning to cross over that blurry line of friends and something greater. There is a great uncertainty as I am unsure of whether he'll be able to reciprocate my feelings for him. He's been giving so many mixed messages. I jsut dont know what to do. As our friendship progresses, something suddenly struck me - As a whole, this friendship i have with Hayden is beginning to mirror that of my friendship with TN. It started out almost exactly the same way - both complete strangers who sort of just 'met'. The initial breaking the ice and bonding. Spending probably far too much time talking to each other. And then eventually me probably stepping over that blurry perhaps non-existant line and the friendship crumbling. The relationship i have with TN atm is a little shakey. Its on-off. I dont know what things are like through his eyes, but very rarely does he make me feel happy anymore. I'm scared that the same thing will happen with Hayden. This fear and anxiety, pulls me away from the blissful high im on, back into the depths of darkness and despair. I dont know whether i should save myself by gradually removing Hayden from my life, or whether i should just keep going the way things are going. I guess no matter what i do, both paths will probably just lead to the same destination. :-(

I have this intense feeling that I am an extremely ungrateful, selfish and needy person. I crave constant attention and I always need someone there for me. I give the illusion that im an appreciatve, grateful and caring person, but deep down i know that i am not. NOt because im not, but because I dont know how to. Sometimes everything feels like an act. I have no substance. I feel that i have no moral substance. What is right or wrong i determine from what others have told me what is right or wrong. I feel like i'm missing something. I feel like i should know within myself these sorts of things. I like to think that i am empathetic, but truth is, i dont think i have that capacity. Apathy is so easily disguised as empathy in my mind.

For the time being, I can say that im somewhat emotionally stable and that im doing pretty well. After all, i am on a blissful temporary high.

Through time, i hope i'll be able to peel back the dead outer layers of myself and expose the real me inside. I hope to be able to find substance within myself. Only then will i truly understand myself and the world around me.


------

I've been having a few recurring dreams lately.
Imagine a rocky cliff on the coastline, with waves battering the rock wall constantly, and the turbulent water below. I'm in the water, being thrown up against the rocks, trying to claw my way out, and then being sucked into the ocean again. The rocks are slippery. The process repeats itself over and over again.

I'm walking along a dirt track. There's noone else with me. As i walk, i notice that theres a large bear, sitting with its back turned to me on the side of the road. I look over, and it turns around, locks eyes with me, and then leaps forward and attacks me. There is a car nearby, with a door on either side open. I jump into the car through one door, in an attempt to escape the bear. But the bear comes through the other side. So i jump out, run around and try to close the door the bear came through to lock it into the car. But jsut as i close that door, the bear escapes through the door i came out of. So i get back into the car through the door i just closed. The process repeats itself over and over again.

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<3 Ron.

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To all my followers. I hope you all have a safe and happy new year.

The shopping centre had always had an obscure entrance. But this time, it wasn't like it usually was. I walked down a long narrow corridor. I hope it wasn't just me, but the more i walked, and the closer i got towards the door, the corridor got narrower and narrower, squeezing in on me. But there was no door on at the end.

I couldn't turn back. There was nothing there. I couldn't go forward, because there was no door. But to the side of me, there was a gate, and so through that gate i walked, to end up in the lobby. There were children in the lobby. It was enclosed by glass windows with the only diretions i could go in either back through the gate, or up an escalator. There were coins scattered around. I picked one up, and handed it to a little girl. I stepped onto the escalator, where it took up me. Up and up to a place i hadn't been before. There were more coins. Except they were all the wrong size. Either too big, too thick, too wonky or were simply blank. Until i saw one that looked like the right size. I picked it up. It was a 20c coin. I looked around. I looked at the coin again, and put it in my pocket. It was the only thing that was real.

I stepped off the escalator, and found myself in the food court. All of a sudden i felt hungry. An insatiable hunger. I lined up in the queue to get some food. But when i got to the front, it was empty. there was nothing there. there wasn't any food, and there wasn't anyone there to serve me. So i walked out.

As i walked, the corridor got narrower and narrower, until i got to the end, where there was simply a gate to the side of me. I walked through that gate, and into a lobby. There were children about. I went up an escalator, that was littered with oddly shaped coins, until i got to a food court. I was hungry, so i went to order some food.

"What would you like" she asked me. But i couldnt' answer her. Because i couldn't see what they had. I couldn't read the menu. My vision was fogging up. So i tried to push up my visor. My sight was restored for a brief moment until it started fogging up again. My order was staggered, but I finially managed to tell her what i wanted. She passed me the EFTPOS machine so i could pay. But i had my sisters ATM card. No probs, because i knew her PIN and knew she wouldn't mind. I coudln't see the keypad. I JUST COULDN"T SEE IT!. I know the PIN. How can i pay if i can't read the DARN keypad!!!!!. "Transaction Failed". She didn't know this, because she was too busy serving another customer. So i walked away.

Through the busy foodcourt I walked, until i saw someone i thought i knew. I looked at him. He looked at me. It couldn't have been. I haven't seen him for years. What would he be doing here? So i kept walking. Towards the escalator i paced. Until i got a tap on the back. "Do you remember me?" he asked. Of course i do. We walked a bit, talking. Actually he did all the talking, but i couldn't hear anything he was saying. He was RIGHT BESIDE ME!!! but he seemed distant and muffled. I couldn't pick up ANYTHIGN he was saying. Down the escalators we both went, until we got to the lobby.

The gate was no longer there. There were no coins. I turned to him an asked him...."you're not real are you? you're just a dream" He looked at me and smiled. He replied "yes, you are right". He walked with me, until we got to the two doors that had appeared in the lobby. we walked through the doors, and out to the street where there was a pedestrian crossing. I saw my sister. She was crossing the road towards us. I called out at her, and she came over. She stood there looking at me. I put my hand in my pocket to give her back her ATM card. But when i pulled it out, it wasn't hers. "oh the lady must have given me the wrong card!". She turned away and started walking towards the door that me and my friend had just come through before. I called out several times, each time with my voice getting softer and softer until i no longer had a voice. Great. Just great. I could not see. I could not hear. And now i could not talk either.

A truck drove by, and as it did, the sound of its engine and its vibrations reverberated through my ears. There was a flash of light and i was no longer on the street. There was no light, except for a hole in the far left above me. I couldn't move. I was frozen.

The sound got louder and louder, as if my ears were pressed up against the engine, and my entire body was shaking violently. And then i felt it. It crawled up on me. It could read my thoughts. The more i thought about it, and how it made me feel scared, the more i could feel it on me, and the louder the sound would get and the more intense my body would shake.

Bohemian Rhapsody plays in the background.

Whatever you are, you ARENT REAL. Thats what i tried to say. But because i couldn't talk, i communicated by thought. It responded. Im on my back. it grabbed my hand and was squeezing it, before it grabbed my crotch. I could feel it sitting on my stomach.

You're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real

I shivered violently and the sound of the engine got louder and louder and louder. STOP. and it stopped. but it was still on me. with my right hand, my only free hand, i manageed to reach out and grab it. I held on tight. If you want me, you're going to have to put up a fight. I grabbed it by the leg i assumed, which it had on my crotch. And i pulled it towards me, and gave it a big bite. It's grip on my left hand subsided. So with both hands i tried to grab it. but i couldn't. I punched wildly in front of me. I knew it was still there. I could feel its presense.

I started shivering and shaking again, and the noise in my ears became defeaning. I started to cry. I tried to scream. but nothing would come out. Again and again and again i tried to scream for help. I was defenceless. I couldn't see. I was deafened by the noise in my ears and i couldn't physically get it. I couldn't move my body. It was on top of me. I had no voice.

I tried with everything i had, and managed to move my right leg, and kick it off me. And just as quickly as it came, it dissappeared just as fast. The violent shaking stopped. my vision restored. and i slowly regained body control.

I awoke to find myself on my bed, with the covers over my head, and the sound of the trains and cars driving pass.

This isn't the first time i've encoutered it. It's tried to get me before. It scares me. I dont want to fall asleep again.

Dear Peter

I haven't known you for a long time. But I feel like I have. I revealed to you a lot about me that I've never been able to tell anyone else. You were like a best friend that I never had. We understood each other. And you did the same with me. We haven't known each other for a very long time. But it seems like we have. You made me understand. You made me see a different perspective. I never had the chance to thank you.

You taught me that I am my own person. I am able to make my own decisions. I should lead my own life, not the life envisioned for me by others. Do you remember when you asked me why I was so afraid of telling my family? I told you that I didn't want to lose the only people in my life that make me happy. The only love that I have in my life. You told me that if they really did love me, they would accept who I was and love me unconditionally. You said that although it might take them time, that they would never abondon me. That they would never leave me alone. Being alone. My biggest fear. You made me see that it was all in my head, and that my irrational fear of being alone had trapped me, consumed me and made me unable to break out. You told me that the biggest barrier I faced was not from them, but the one I put up myself. Now I see. For this I want to thankyou.

You nudged me out of my comfort zone, when we broke the ice with that girl in the mall. You made me realise that if I always sat back and waited, that possibly nothing would come my way. If it wont come to me, then I must go and find it myself. You have shown me that the world was not out to get me. That to reach a destination, I had to make my own roads. That anything was possible with the right attitude. I was living in a dream world. Making unrealistic assumptions, thinking extraordinarily illogical thoughts. You brought me back to the real world. Thank you.

You were a perfect gentleman. Not once did you make me feel uneasy. I was comfortable around you. You made me feel like i was worth something. You showed interest in what I had to say. When I told you that I was a virgin, and that I had never had a relationship with anyone before. I expected you to laugh. Perhaps make fun of me. Like most people probably would. You weren't like most people. You respected me, and told me that in my own time, I would find what I'm looking for. Remember when we were at the coffee shop? You made me look like a fool when I tried to pay for my drink that you'd already paid for. I felt silly, but it was really sweet of you. You never let me thank you.

Can you recall when we were in that park? I had never been there before. You said you hadn't either. But that was a good thing right? Because it meant we could go exploring. It was a big park wasn't it? So many trees, and rather quite secluded. So many mosquitoes too! It was funny, thinking about it now, two guys, in the middle of the woods, slapping mosquitoes off each other. I enjoyed it. I felt like a child again. Do you remember layin on our backs on the grass looking up into the emptiness that was the sky? You asked me what I was thinking about. I told you that I wasn't thinking of anything. But I lied. Secretly, I was thinking of you. We went for a walk. And then you stopped, and appeared to be staring at something. You were leaning up against a tree that looked strangely like the letter Y. Do you remember when I asked you what you were thinking? You told me nothing. I took your word for it.

You then asked me to come over. Then you kissed me. My first kiss. I was so nervous. My heart was racing, my blood was pumping and my hands were trembling. I'm sure you knew. We were standing there, kissing, standing on opposite sides through the gap of where the tree split into two. You whispered in my ear "how was your first kiss?". I never did answer. You asked me again to come around. I was standing there, and you came up behind me, and wrapped your arms around me. I almost cried. Tears of happiness. Noone had ever hugged me like that before. Any trace of loneliness within me had vaporized. I felt loved. I felt protected.

When you drove me back. You didn't say a single word. As I left to catch my bus, you hugged me. You told me to text you everyday. You asked me to keep in touch.....And so I did.

But you never replied. You never answered your phone. You never came on online anymore.

You were like a beacon of light. You showed me hope. You made me realise my worth.

But then you took it all back again. You took my virginity. You left me alone.

We hadn't known each other for very long. I thought I knew you. But i was wrong. Naive.

Jay

It had been almost 15minutes that Jay had been waiting outside Myers, where he had agreed to meet Peter. A million things were running through his mind. "Have I been stood up? Should I call him? Oh God I hope I'm not at the wrong place. What if I am at the wrong place? Am I too early? Do I look alright? Maybe I shouldn't have worn this shirt...." He took his phone out of his pocket to check the time. Fifteen-past ten. Fifteen minutes that Jay had been standing alone, out the front of the department store. "Alright..."he thinks to himself, "Perhaps I should message him just to see if something has come up and he cant make it." He picks up his phone again, and starts writing out the first few words of the message. Before he could finish, Jay noticed someone standing beside him. A solid looking fella, a bit taller and quite well built.
Jay immediately closes out the message and puts his phone back into his right pocket.

The stranger looks at Jay and smiles. "Hey. You must be Jay right?" "Err.. Yeah I'm Jay.....Your... early" "Haha I'm sorry dude, traffic was pretty bad. Well it's nice to meet you. Wanna go get a coffee or something?" "Sure, that would be good. But.. I'm not much of a coffee person though. I'll just have what you're having?" "No Probs!"

The initial meet up was not nearly as awkward as Jay had envisioned. He had been imagining all sorts of scenarios that would end up horribly wrong. But for a change things were going quite smoothly. The two chatted for a while, until Peter asked Jay if he had told anyone or come out to anyone yet. "No I haven't. I'm really afraid of what might happen if I did. I don't know how my friends and family would react. But I feel so trapped because of it."

"Do what i do, its on a need to know basis." replied Peter. "it wont improve your life or theirs by telling them so why bother. let them keep their ignorance. It'll only complicate their lives and they dont need that
"Yeah I know."
"Well unless of course you want to tell them"
"It's not so much i WANT to tell them. It's just that I feel really guilty. It's kind of hard for me to explain."
"I wouldnt tell mine," said Peter, "As they say, let sleeping dogs lye. But thats just me, and you are your own man".
"Well i guess I'm just concerned with what people would think of me if they found out." explained Jay.
"Dont be to open about it, and if it comes to that, cross that bridge when you get there. That's probalby the best thing to do."

There was a moment of silence before Peter asked "Hey, are you alright Jay?"
"yeah I'm fine. Thanks. Why do you ask?"
"Cool. You sounded a bit worried that's all"
"Nah im okay. Im just a bit confused about myself thats all."
"I know wat that feels like" replied Peter, "I tried to change in the beginning but no matter what i did i couldnt change how i felt, thats just me for better or worse. such is life"
"Yeah. That's pretty much the reason why joined up with that online site. If you can't repress the feelings, why not embrace it and see where things lead"
"That was me as well," added Peter, "and i decided that it would be a pretty bleak life if i spent the whole time pretending to be someone im not."
"Yeah exactly," commented Jay.

"You said you were random and spontaneous yeah?" asked Peter
"well i guess. When im in the mood that is." replied Jay
"How about now?"
"Why what do you have planned?"
"Nothing! Thats why its spontaneous. If you had everything planned, it wouldn't be random or spontaneous anymore would it?"
"I guess your right"
"Lets go for a drive."
"Where too?" asked Jay
"Everywhere, and anywhere I guess. No real destination"
"I guess it won't hurt"

For an hour they drove aimlessy around, through suburbs they've never been to before, and past landmarks they'd never heard of. It had been such a long time since Jay had ever been able to speak so freely about anything and everything to someone else. He felt as if a huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders. It was the most cliche thing ever, but thats just how he felt. For once in his life he was able to think clearly, and have a proper conversation. Although he had only known Peter for less than half a day, Jay felt that it was a start of a good friendship to come, and never regretted skipping his biggest day at uni. Peter was a nice guy. He had his head screwed on, had ambitions and was respectful. His sense of self-confidence was an alluring charm. He had given Jay so much to think about as well as a lot of good advice.

They had driven a fair way out. Jay had no idea where they were. "Hey theres a park up ahead. Did you want to stop there and have a bit of a breather?" asked Peter. "Yeah sure, if you want" replied Jay timidly. "Come on man, I'm not going to stop unless you want to. You can't just do what I want to do. Or what everyone else wants. Don't you have an opinion of your own? What do you want to do?" Jay was taken aback. But Peter was right. For most of his life, Jay had always been somewhat submissive. He never really had his own opinions, sometimes to avoid conflict, other times because he just wasn't that confident and so thought his opinions weren't worthy of being aired. What Peter had just said to Jay was like an awakening. Noone had ever said that to Jay before. Noone had ever made him feel as if his opinions mattered. Jay sat there, without saying a word.

"So whats it gonna be" asked Peter. "Yeah. You know what? Lets stop. It'd be good to get a bit of fresh air. Not to mention save you a bit of fuel" replied Jay with a sense of enthusiasm. "Great! Thats what I wanted to hear" exclaimed Peter. "Wow what is this place?" Jay enquired, "Looks more like a forest or something, not a park". "Yeah it does, doesn't it? Want to go explore?" "Haha you bet!"

Part 3

Peter and Jay had only known each other for a few hours. I guess you could call them friends. Well internet friends at least. Jay had a secret. He never told anyone about it. Well sort of. He may have told Luke and Larissa. But they probably didn't take it seriously. Jay liked guys. At least he thought he did. Because of this secret, he found it hard to make friends, or to be around people, as he felt as if he was consumed by this secret and that he could never really be himself around others. He felt untruthful. After several years at uni, Peter was Jay's attempt at finally stepping out of the dark hole that he was in.

And so the conversation started with:

Jay: how are you?
Peter: good man. u ?
Jay: not too bad. just a bit cold atm
Peter: its like that tonight
Peter: wats ur name if u dont mind me asking
Jay: Jay
Peter: im peter as u have no doubt guessed
Jay: haha yeh
Peter: so wat brings u here
Jay: i dunno really . i guess i just wanted to discover myself a bit more
Peter: good answer i like it
Jay: make some friends i guess
Peter: thats always an upside
Jay: haha yeh. how about you?
Peter: same thing really, you stole my answer

Peter and Jay were the same age, and surprisingly they both had quite a bit in common. After a few hours chatting, they had formed a kind of friendship. They felt they could tell each other things that you wouldn't normally tell a complete stranger. They talked about what they did, where they were from, sexuality and other things. Jay was a student whereas Peter was working in security attempting to save up enough to come back to uni.

Peter: all the best things in life are shared with others, it all good and well to own a ferrari but if there is no one to gork at you as u drive past then there is no excitement in ti for u
Jay: yeh exactly. I enjoy the simple things in life. i like being random and spontaneous
Peter: best things in life are free
Jay: haha yup. like mid night walks :P
Peter: oh yeah. or riding a scooter though a westfield fun fun
Jay: lol! or that too

It was getting late, and Jay had class the next day.

Peter: u still there ?
Jay: yeh sorry im a bit slow atm. just a bit tired and just reading my lecture notes for tomorrow
Peter: lucky u
Jay: me? lucky? pfft. lol
Peter: so you going to uni 2moro?
Jay: yeah 6 hours straight tomorrow !!!
Peter: i bet u can hardly wait
Jay: lol. well if im so lucky , what are you up to tomorrow then
Peter: nothing day off
Jay: haha nice wanna swap?
Peter: u could always skip uni and come hang out with me
Jay: haha that'd be cool
Peter: u know im serious right
Jay: serious?
Peter: yeah if u want to hang out we can. hang out and have fun or six hours of lectures, the choice is yours

Jay's heart was pounding at this point. He didn't know what to do. His head was telling him "NO. You've got class tomorrow", yet his heart was telling him "Yes, go for it!". After about what seemed like an eternity, Jay made up his mind. Uni will just have to wait. Jay now had a date. His first date EVER. He was so nervous yet he was really looking forward to it. He could barely sleep that night.

Part 2

In every grade, there was always a person who was 'invisible'. Sure they were there, they'd go about doing whatever they did everyday, yet noone really notices them. Nicole was one of those people. She was quiet, timid, somewhat introverted and often sat by herself. She was a nice girl, and easily approachable, yet she didn't seem to have very many friends. As the bell rang, she picked up her books and made her way to her next class, SOSE (Study of Society and of the Environment). The previous class had arranged the desks in such a way that they formed a "U" shape around the classroom, with the teachers desk up front. Nicole walked in and sat at the desk closest to the door, towards the front, on the side of the "U". She didn't dare sit in the back, since only the 'cool' kids sat there. She opened up her notebook, and dated it, and sat quietly waiting for the class the begin.

Charlie and Jay were still in the locker room. Charlie and Jay had been mates since 8th grade. In actual honesty, in 8th grade, Jay was a complete loner. He had transferred from a different primary school from most of the other kids. So Jay pretty much knew nobody. Eventually Jay was taken in by Charlie and his group of friends. They've been mates since. Jay was a little bit of a pest at times. He liked to play pranks on his friends, and since he was the shortest and of the smallest build out of this friends, everyone saw him more as a 'little brother' and so despite his annoying antics, they all put up with it.

During lunch break, Jay had gone into Charlies bag and taken out his pencil case, and hid it in his locker. And so when they were supposed to have been in class, Charlie and Jay were still in the locker room, looking for Charlies lost pencil case. "So Charlie, are you sure you didn't leave it in your last class?" asked Jay. "I'm positive!" Charlie exclaimed, with an air of frustration. "You know we're going to be late hey? And it'll all be your fault. You and your silly pencil case!" grinned Jay. "Yeah i know! Shut up already. If i don't find it, im not going to class. I'll just pretned to be sick and go to the sick bay. Now quit your talking and help me find it!" "Alright alright... settle down".

As Charlie went over to the port racks to check if he had dropped his pencil case somewhere, Jay went to his locker, checked to make sure Charlie wasn't looking, and quickly unlocked, took out the pencil case, and locked his locker. He turned around again, and realised Charlie had already seen him. "What are you doing?" inquired Charlie. "Umm.. I was just looking... yeah just looking. Did you find it yet?" Charlie walked over, and snatched his pencil case from Jay. "You little shithead! So it was you the whole time!!" By this time Jay had a sheepish grin across his face that he just couldn't wipe off. "So is this your pencil case? I found it for you!... I swear it wasn't in my locker!" "OUCH!! That really hurt!!" exclaimed Jay as Charlie gave him a friendly punch in the shoulder. "Now come, on, we're already late enough as it is!" said Charlie, as he raced ahead.

By the time the boys got to class, all the 'cool kids' desks had been taken and the only desks free were those adjacent Nicole. "Hurry up boys, get a seat. Your late if you haven't noticed!" boomed Ms Ryan. "Sorry Miss, I had to go get my arm checked out because a 'certain someone' decided that attempting to break my poor little arm was a fun thing to do" replied Jay, jokingly. "You want the other arm broken too?" laughed Charlie as they took a seat. Jay could afford to be a bit of a smart alleck in class and joke around as he was at a good standing with Ms Ryan. In fact Ms Ryan was one of his favourite teachers. And Jay was one of Ms Ryan's favourite students so she was really quite leniant if he didn't do his homework, or came into class late. That's just how it was. Charlie and Jay sat down, beside each other with Jay in the middle between Charlie and Nicole. Nothing intentional, it just happened that way.

Half way through class, Jay got restless, and noticed that Nicole had a stapler shaped like a purple hippo. It looked rather amusing, so without even thinking about it, he reached over and grabbed it, and started playing with it. Nicole looked over at Jay. He smiled back at her. "Thats a really cool stapler. But i'm not sure if hippos are really purple. aren't they more like a ugly blue/grey colour?" Nicole didn't reply, but reached over and grabbed it back off Jay. "Hey! I was playing with that!" exclaimed Jay. "I know, but I want it back!" replied Nicole. "Awww your no fun!"

Since Jay couldn't get the satisfaction of playing with the hippo stapler, he made it his mission for the rest of the class to annoy Nicole as much as possible, to get back at her. It wasn't that Jay wanted to be an asshole or anything - he didn't have any bad motives. All he was trying to do was to get her attention, and possibly the purple hippo back. Noone knew, but Jay secretly sort of liked Nicole. Jay had 'known of' Nicole since 7th grade. She didnt know him though. He only knew her because of a Netball game he went to. We've all heard of the phrase "love at first sight". It was sort of like that except it wasn't so much 'love'. Probably more like "curiousity" at first sight. There was something about Nicole that drew Jay in. He wanted to know more about her. So what about the first 2 years of highschool? Why didn't Jay get to know her then? Well simple. Although Nicole never really had that many friends, she was super tight with the ones she did have, and every time Jay would try to get to know her, she'd shrug him off. Okay well Jay was actually really bad at breaking the ice so it wasn't really all Nicoles fault. But it was like Nicole wasn't really interested, so Jay put 2 and 2 together, and assumed that Nicole simply wasn't into him.

So back in SOSE class, whenever Nicole looked away, Jay would stealthily reach over and grab one of Nicoles assortment of pens and start scribbling with it on his pad, in an attempt to get her to notice. At first she didn't. But he scribbled away even more furiously until she looked over and said "Why are you scribbling all over your page?" "I can if i want to. Its my PEN and my book" "Okay then" "Erhem.. I said its MY PEN?! so i can scribble if i want to" "okay already. i was only asking" "Did you not get the part where i said MY PEN?" "HEY! Thats not your pen! Thats mine. give it back!" "I'll swap it for the hippo then" "No!" "Alright I'll give it back. But can i keep your eraser?" "Hey how'd you get that? I want that back too!"

"Nicole, is there something wrong?" asked Ms Ryan from across the room. Nicole turned to Jay, and gave him a smirk. In his head Jay was thinking "awww please. don't get me in trouble. i was just having a bit of fun" "No miss. I was just asking Jay a question". Relief swept over Jay. "Hey thanks for not dobbing me in. Here you can have it back". "Thankyou".

Then the bell rang to signal the end of class, and the end of the day. Nicole swiftly packed her stuff up and walked out. Jay watched her walk out the door, and through the glass he was certain that Nicole had turned back, and smiled at him. As the two friends walked out of the classroom towards the locker room, Charlie asked "What the hell was all that about before?" "oh nothing. she wouldn't give me the hippo" "what hippo?" "the purple one with metal teeth of course!!" "haha yeah right! You like her don't you?" "No way!!! Besides, shes not my type." "ooooohhh Jay and Nicole sitting in a tree......" "shuttup dude!" "hey stop that!! You punch like a girl you know?" exclaimed Charlie as Jay punched him in the shoulder. "I can also scratch your face off like a girl too if you like" laughed Jay.

The boys got to the lockeroom and packed up their books, grabbed their bags and walked out the school gate. Jay had to go catch a bus where as Charlie got picked up by his mum. "I'll see you tomorrow dude" said Charlie "yeah you too! And remember, double Religion class tomorrow so bring your MP3 player!" called Jay. "Yup no worries. see you dude" "See ya!"

Jay sat at the bus stop by his lonesome as he watched his friends drive pass. It wasn't all bad though, because this was his quiet time.