Empty Spaces

I used to get really frustrated when I used to talk to random guys online. We'd chat and they'd ask me whether I was gay or not. And usually I'd tell them that im either not sure, or that I liked both. And more often then not, I'd then get asked what it is that turns me on or what it is that i think of by default - (being blunt) dick or pussy. My answer used to be that it doesn't matter because sex is sex and to me it wouldn't matter who it was with because sexual pleasure is sexual pleasure regardless of race, gender, or oriface. I told them that I'm attracted to people, not gender or certain characteristics. And then the most common outcome of the conversation would be that the other person tells me that I'm living a lie. It used to frustrate me so much. It annoyed the heck out of me, when people assumed that i was 'living a lie' without even knowing me.

But now, I think I'm beginning to understand what those people meant. Im realising that it wasn't just an empty insult or generalisation. The more i begin to accept it in myself that this is the way i am, the more im beginning to become unhappy when I realise that I am infact living a double life. Hiding my true self from the rest of the world under the disguise of the front i put forward in my everyday life. The whole 'liking other guys' thing, yeah i know that its really not anyones business but my own, and that i dont need to actively preach it to people, but at the same time I just want to be able to just live, express myself, my thoughts, emotions, opinions etc without having to do a double take, without having to screen everythign I do or say just incase someone 'finds out'.

I used to be so discreet whenever I used to look at other guys. But now Its almost as if I've forgotten i need to be discrete. I just look at other guys the same way straight guys look at girls. It just comes naturally. And then i have to remind myself that its not acceptable for me to be the way i amm and do the things i do.

The more accepting I become of my true self, the more i realise that certain things that used to make me feel awkward, i've become a lot more comfortable with. A lot of things that i used to repress now just seem to come naturally. Which makes me afraid that I might let it slip - let my guard down, whenever im with people who dont know about me. My friends, my family. I have to be cautious and careful and be ever vigilant and watch what i say and what i do. But its because of this that Im starting to feel unhappy, starting to really understand what it means to 'live a lie'. Noone really knows the true me. To live a lie, isnt' to live, lying to other people. Its to live, lying to yourself. You can lie to other people and not feel a thing. But the moment you lie to yourself, and you realise you are lying to yourself, is when you feel the pain and hurt you're causing yourself.

Another thing that seems to be really getting on my nerves and annoying me is when I hear people using the term 'fag' as an insult and using the term 'gay' to mean 'stupid'. I admit, i used to use those words as insults all the time. But slowly without me even consciously trying, those words have been removed from my vocabulary. As i come to terms with myself, I begin to internalise those insults. All of a sudden, those insults seem to be referring to me. I'm the 'fag' they're talking about. I'm the 'gay' that everyone seems to be describing things with. I realise that most of the time, people just say those words without even thinking and with no real homophobic intentions. Yet for somereason, it still hurts everytime I hear them. Because now, those words, those insults seem to equate to me.

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I feel like im drifting further and further apart from reality. I feel as if i can't go on with life any further, as the further i travel along this path, the further away i get from my true intended course of travel. I have this deep insatiable longing for this 'other' person. I feel a great sense of loneliness. A huge hole inside of me that i need filled. I just want someone to KNOW me. I seem to have trust issues. I find it very hard to trust anyone enough to let them know about me. There is so much about me that noone knows.

Im in a huge crowd of people, and Im looking around, just wishing and hoping that someone would look back at me.

I kind of feel like im coming to the end of the road and not really knowing how much further I'll be able to go. It seems like im coming to a screeching halt. There's so much thats expected of me. I've been conditioned to feel guilty whenever I dissappoint. I feel like I've travelled down the wrong road and its too late to turn back.

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Matters in life: Im on new medication (Escitalopram), had more bloodtests done, made an appointment with a new Male counsellor under the Mental Health Care Plan my doctor prescribed for me, and also made another appointment with my other counsellor.

Been really busy with work that I haven't had a chance to think. Which is a good thing, until I realise that its only good because i've brushed everythign aside.

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Old news, but yeah I came out to Nick. So he knows. He said that he had known from the start, and that it was pretty obvious. That makes me wonder. If it was so apparently obvious to him, is it also apparently obvious to other people? Was it so apparently obvious to EV? I can't believe its been 6months since the Charlie/EV incident. I still havent seen EV. I've talked to her briefly a few times but nothing more. I still dont know what Im going to do or how I feel about her.

Im really not looking forward to this day at all.

I walked out with a blank face.

A trickle of guilt and remorse ran through my veins and i wonder if it was worth it.

I look in the mirror and I dont know who the person staring back at me is.

I feel unclean. I spend what seems like forever trying to wash it off, trying to remove everything. But try as I may, after it all, im still here. In my own skin.

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In the light of a dimly lit street lamp, I make a concious effort to avoid all the puddles on the rain-soaked bitumen as I make my way to my ute. The shoes im wearing are worn out, with the leather peeling away from the soles, and holes in the sides where they've grazed up against many a brick wall. My socks peek through the holes in the front, and the water that splashes up from the road filters through the fibres in the sock and eventually make contact with my toes. Its cold wet and dark as i walk down the street with noone but my misty shadow to keep me company.

From a distance I make out the shadow of another person beside my vehicle, in what looks to be an attempted carjacking or robbery. I approach with caution. A moment of unrest ensues and the carjacker swiftly makes his way around the vehicle directly in my line of sight and pulls from inside the black canvas bag he is holding, a fully loaded revolver.

He drops his bag and has both hands on the revolver. As the bag falls lifelessly onto the damp bitumen, it reveals its contents - or lack thereof. "Okay...where is the stuff" i question him. "WHERE IS IT" i repeaat in a firm manner.

With the revolver he points towards the bag and gestures as if for me to pick up the bag. I do as he wishes. "You know!" he murmurs in a clearly distressed tone. "You SHOULDN'T".

"Woah..settle. I know. You know. There is no need for firearms. If i HAD taken it upon myself to inform THEM, you obviously woudn't be here. But you are. That says alot. You and me, we both share a common interest here. Put down your weapon."

He grabs me by the collar and plants the revolver firmly against the side of my head. He cocks the hammer. It seems like an eternity from the time the hammer is cocked to when the trigger is actually pulled, which seemed to imply that there was some sort of thought process happening within his head. As if he were weighing up his choices.

And then the trigger is pulled.

I'ts a blank.

He cocks the hammer, and again, he pulls the trigger.

Another blank.

It seems like a never ending cycle.

Until he eventually drops his weapon.

He relieves his grip on me, and steps backward. We know we are in it together. We share a common bond. He knows that i know.

And then THEY appear.

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The dusty little box from underneath the bed which had been neglected for far too many years finally sees its first glints of sunlight as I place it onto benchtop and brush away the dust with my fingers.

Carefully, I lift off the lid of the old box and reveal whats inside. What lies inside is somewhat of a mess, yet there is so much beauty and passion within its contents. An old box of art supplies. The pencils no longer constitute a full set, as some colours have somehow dissapeared, some are in two or more pieces. The bristles of the many brushes inside are stiff, with many a brush still bearing the evidence of the last time they were used.

Underneath all the shrapnel, a plain white unlabelled carton reveals itself. I reach in and pull it out. It seems that it has never been opened, as the carton still pocesses the small piece of tape which held it shut. Curious, I carefully peeled back the tape and inside were several charcoal pencils.

I reach over to the side of my bench and grab a piece of plain white paper. An empty canvas. The moment the tip of the charcoal pencil makes contact with the paper, it shatters and disintegrates into nothign more than a fine black powder. A breeze blows through the open window and carries away the fine specs of carbon, leaving behind a bare sheet of paper, with nothing more than a single dot on the page.

I look out the window and watch and I look back down at my page. "This is my starting point" I whisper to myself.

Its been a while.

So i've been taking Avanza (Mirtzapine) which is an antidepressant drug. It guess it seems to work in the sense that it makes me completely and utterly chilled out. Like seriously i've got nothing going on in my head at all. And i sit there like a vegetable. It makes me super tired though.

I've been pretty busy lately with work. It feels like all i do now is work and sleep.

I've been to my counsellor a few times but im not realy sure how things are going. I dont feel like im making much progress. My doctor suggested seeing another counsellor. I'll have to look into that. Also got vaccinated for Hep A and for influenza.

I've got an exam coming up soon, which i'll need to really study hard for. And his birthday dinner. Im really looking forward to it.