Empty Spaces

....Yeah im a closet Gleek. Seen every episode.

Loved the most recent one. Its titled "born this way" with the key theme of acceptance and loving yourself. Something i need to learn to do.

Unfortunately my white shirt wouldn't have enough space for what i would write on it.

I keep having these strange dreams. I keep getting killed. There is always someone after me.

I have these dreams where doors fall off their hinges and no matter how hard i try, i can never fix them. Doors that don't open. Doors that dissappear. Doors that don't close when i want them too.

Is a fucking contradiction.

:'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( 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:'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( 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I saw my counsellor today and I realised things weren't going anywhere. We were only scratching around on the surface not even close to the source of my problems. So i bit the bullet and I told her that I *might* be gay. The keyword is 'might' because I dont know where i stand. I dont know whether its because im still in denial or whether or not I still have some kind of hetero'ness in me. But i told her. I was nervous. I didnt know what to say really. I slurred my words and i stumbled and i stuttered and finally i got it out.

The root of all my problems - "I *MIGHT* be gay"

there. I said it.

Then we discussed it about more, and why I've been distant with EV and why i couldn't confront her about it. I told her i was at a crossroads not knowing what to do. She told me that being at a crossroads was not necessarily a bad thing. The reason i havent taken any steps is because it doesn't feel right yet, and im just not ready to take the first step. And that it is perfectly acceptable and right to be where i am, at a crossroad.

To be completley honest, im not 100% sure counselling is really doing much good for me. I just feel like im just repeating myself a lot. repeating a lot of things that i've already told her last time and stuff that anyone who reads this blog may already know. I dont feel like im really going anywhere.

I dont feel a sense of connection with her. Its not that shes a bad counsellor at all! Thats not what im saying, im just saying that I find it hard to talk about the things at heart, personal issues, when there isn't much of a connection. To make things worse, she's going away for a month. So I have two options. To wait until she comes back, or see another counsellor. Which i dont want to do because then i'd have to repeat everything i've already said. Its like accidentally biting on an existing cut on your lip.

It doesn't seem like im getting much out of it. IT could be several things: maybe im just impatient. I just want everythign to be better right now. Which i know is a very unrealistic thing to think. It will always take time. The other thign is perhaps im not letting her speak, not letting her try to help me. I seem to just want to blurt everythign out, every little detail. I don't know. I guess thats just how i am. I just want to let her know exactly whats going on in my life before I let her analyze and give advice. And the thign is, 1 hour isn't really enough time. It feels like just as we are about to get things rolling, time is up. Its like having an itch, and never being able to scratch it.

Anywho.. thats just how i feel about it all. Hopefully things will get better. She offered to give me some GLBT stuff and support services but im not sure im ready for that yet.

To be completely and utterly honest, all i want, is a single person, whom i can connect with on more than merely a superficial basis. someone who i can love, and who can love me back. Someone who can understand where i am coming from. Someone whos only friend is me. I guess it could be a bit of a jealousy thing. Am i just selfish? I think i am. I dont know. I just feel super lonely. Everything around me just seems so superficial and fake. Or is it just me being so self absorbed that i fail to see what is ACTUALLy around me? Am i too blind and just cannot see past the surface? I dont know...