Empty Spaces

I've had the worst weekend :-(. I still feel a bit down from the other night, and on top of that I just feel so exhausted physically. I've had the hardest time trying to sleep. I never seem to be able to wake up refreshed.

I had a dream last night. I woke up in a funeral hall, and the dead people rose from their eternal slumber. They were all weilding weapons, mainly blades of all sorts. I tried to turn on the lights but the lights wouldnt' work. These Zombie corpses came at me from all directions and did everything in their power to put me into an eternal sleep. No matter what I did, they just never seemed to die even after stabbing and wounding them.

And then THEY came. From the skies they did. And with a watchful eye over the world, they controlled my every move. And the moment I deviated from their plans they had for me, the skies would literally come crashing down on top of me.

I somehow reached a place, where there seemed to be a warp zone where multiple versions of reality merge. I see multiple versions of myself. But we all knew that only one of us will be able to pass through that point. once passed that point, history can repeat itself, and time can rewind itself back to that merging point. If my future doesn't turn out as i had wanted, i find myself back at the warp zone, with multiple versions of myself. Only one of us may proceed again into the future, while the rest of us are obliterated by THEM.

I just know that I'll never be able to have a fulfilling life or future, and so I did something really stupid that i wont mention. I put my life at risk because I just did not care anymore. And i said goodbye to my clones and told them to not be what i was. And then i cried as i watched and waited for THEM.

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I try so hard and i search in every possible place and way I can, but I can never find him again. I wish he would come back. Theres a huge void he left in me when he left me, and now all i feel is darkness.

After a while they start to burn......

I miss him so much. I wish i could be with him again and just never ever wake up.

I know im bad. I stopped taking my meds. And the moment i stop taking them, i start getting all these dreams again. BUT this is one dream that I'm glad i had.

I met my soulmate. The person who fulfills the void inside me. The person who makes me forget about everything negative in my life. He made me the happiest I've ever been in my life. He is the first person I've ever said "I LOVE YOU" to.

His name was "Positive". Well actually that was his nickname, but he prefered that name. He had an identical twin brother that I could simply not tell apart. The twin brothers name was Max. Max didnt really like me all that much. Not that he disliked me, but he was indifferent to me, and he'd get annoyed when I mistook him from his brother, and usually just walk away.

Apart from "positive", i simply cannot remember "positives" real name. I can't quite remember how it happened, but I went up and asked him if he was Max. And he didn't say directly who he was, but he asked me a question. I can't remember what the question was but the answer to the question would give me the answer i was looking for - whether or not he was Max. I can't remember what I answered with, but "positive" was a keyword. His face lit up when I answered him correctly and I realised that he wasn't Max. So from there i started calling him Positive.

Max and I never had much of a connection. He was always just there, with his twin brother positive. But him seeing how happy Positive and I were, made him happy. Happy for the both of us.

Positive and I spent most of our time walking, with our arms around each other. He made me happy like i've never been before. He truly was my soulmate. That void inside me, and that loneliness just vaporized when i was with him. I felt complete. I felt like nothing else mattered but him. I kept telling him how much I loved him.

We kissed and it was the best kiss I had ever had. And straight after I woke up.

I walked out with a blank face.

A trickle of guilt and remorse ran through my veins and i wonder if it was worth it.

I look in the mirror and I dont know who the person staring back at me is.

I feel unclean. I spend what seems like forever trying to wash it off, trying to remove everything. But try as I may, after it all, im still here. In my own skin.

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In the light of a dimly lit street lamp, I make a concious effort to avoid all the puddles on the rain-soaked bitumen as I make my way to my ute. The shoes im wearing are worn out, with the leather peeling away from the soles, and holes in the sides where they've grazed up against many a brick wall. My socks peek through the holes in the front, and the water that splashes up from the road filters through the fibres in the sock and eventually make contact with my toes. Its cold wet and dark as i walk down the street with noone but my misty shadow to keep me company.

From a distance I make out the shadow of another person beside my vehicle, in what looks to be an attempted carjacking or robbery. I approach with caution. A moment of unrest ensues and the carjacker swiftly makes his way around the vehicle directly in my line of sight and pulls from inside the black canvas bag he is holding, a fully loaded revolver.

He drops his bag and has both hands on the revolver. As the bag falls lifelessly onto the damp bitumen, it reveals its contents - or lack thereof. "Okay...where is the stuff" i question him. "WHERE IS IT" i repeaat in a firm manner.

With the revolver he points towards the bag and gestures as if for me to pick up the bag. I do as he wishes. "You know!" he murmurs in a clearly distressed tone. "You SHOULDN'T".

"Woah..settle. I know. You know. There is no need for firearms. If i HAD taken it upon myself to inform THEM, you obviously woudn't be here. But you are. That says alot. You and me, we both share a common interest here. Put down your weapon."

He grabs me by the collar and plants the revolver firmly against the side of my head. He cocks the hammer. It seems like an eternity from the time the hammer is cocked to when the trigger is actually pulled, which seemed to imply that there was some sort of thought process happening within his head. As if he were weighing up his choices.

And then the trigger is pulled.

I'ts a blank.

He cocks the hammer, and again, he pulls the trigger.

Another blank.

It seems like a never ending cycle.

Until he eventually drops his weapon.

He relieves his grip on me, and steps backward. We know we are in it together. We share a common bond. He knows that i know.

And then THEY appear.

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The dusty little box from underneath the bed which had been neglected for far too many years finally sees its first glints of sunlight as I place it onto benchtop and brush away the dust with my fingers.

Carefully, I lift off the lid of the old box and reveal whats inside. What lies inside is somewhat of a mess, yet there is so much beauty and passion within its contents. An old box of art supplies. The pencils no longer constitute a full set, as some colours have somehow dissapeared, some are in two or more pieces. The bristles of the many brushes inside are stiff, with many a brush still bearing the evidence of the last time they were used.

Underneath all the shrapnel, a plain white unlabelled carton reveals itself. I reach in and pull it out. It seems that it has never been opened, as the carton still pocesses the small piece of tape which held it shut. Curious, I carefully peeled back the tape and inside were several charcoal pencils.

I reach over to the side of my bench and grab a piece of plain white paper. An empty canvas. The moment the tip of the charcoal pencil makes contact with the paper, it shatters and disintegrates into nothign more than a fine black powder. A breeze blows through the open window and carries away the fine specs of carbon, leaving behind a bare sheet of paper, with nothing more than a single dot on the page.

I look out the window and watch and I look back down at my page. "This is my starting point" I whisper to myself.

So ever since i started this blog, i've been keep record of all my dreams. Partly because they were all so vivid and detailed, and partly because I wanted to write them down somewhere so one day i'd be able to read back through them and decipher them and to find out how i was really feeling back then.

Since the confession, i've kind of noticed but my dreams have sort of started fading away. They're no longer one big interconnected dream, but now its just random bits and pieces. Bits and pieces that i can no longer recall with any sort of clarity.

I dont know if thats a sign of a good thing or not, but i hope it is.

Last night i had a series of odd dreams. I was on the edge of a cliff, and down below me the water was lit up in bright lights, and I could see all the marine creatures swimming below. But what scared me was the number of sharks circling below.

I was then on a boat, making my way down a river, when the boat engine fails, and it starts to capsize.

In the last few blank pages of a book, i had written out my confession. As i was laying in bed, I heard someone (not sure who it was, but it was someone close to me) call out to me and ask me what the book was and why there was writing in the back of it. I tried to get up. I tried to call out and tell him not to open it. But i was overcome but a great sense of tiredness and could barely open my eyes or get out of bed.

There was another scene where i was sitting in a room, looking out the window, when all of a sudden a car pulls up in the drive way. A guy in his mid-40's hopped out and walked towards the door. I KNEW exactly who he was. He handed over to me a necklace. And just as he did, my sister came out and asked me who it was. I lied to her and said it was a work colleauge. Here is the scary thing - I had indeed lost a necklace, and I couldn't for the life of me remember where i left it. It then struck me that the last time i took that necklace off was at the guys place. I left it on his bedside drawer and forgot about it.

I was in a white old dusty room, sitting beside a fireplace. It was cold and i was shivering, but the fireplace was boarded up for some reason. So i just sat there, and looked on.

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I've got an exam in 3 hours. I really don't know how im going to go because well i haven't really been in the right frame of mind to be able to study. I went through my notes and I have a vague idea of what im supposed to know. Hopefully its sufficient to at least get a pass.

And then after my exam? I sort out my life.

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I had another dream.

I was in a swimming pool, when all of a sudden, the jets turned on and the pool was bubbling furiously until it started overflowing. Out of nowhere a large green python floated out of the water. And as i tried to avoid it, hundreds of other snakes appeared out of a bush beside the pool. I got out of the pool and i ran and ran towards the house with these serpents as well as other rodents coming after me. When i got into the house, i quickly realised that the doors didn't close properly, leaving large gaps big enough for the snakes and rodents to come through. I tried pulling on the doors to close them but the screws on the hinges all came undone. I went into the kitchen to get something to eat. As i was eating, it felt like the plate of food i had in my hands never got any smaller. No matter how much i ate, the content on the plate remained the same.

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Wish me luck for the exam. I know i'll need it.

Its 5:12am in the morning. I went to bed at around 2am. Im up and awake. Seriously, I've had the worst 3 hours, laying in bed, with everything, with nothing, running through my head. Laying there tossing and turning trying to fall asleep. Drifting in and out of sleep. Fading in and out of a dream world and the real world.

In those 3 hours, I had an epiphany.

At work just a few hours before that, Nick had asked to use my phone to text one of his friends, since he had run out of credit on his phone. Knowing me, and after a past incident, I NEVER let anyone touch my phone or my computer. But just this once, I let him, trusting that he would not violate my personal privacy by going through my messages or looking through my phone.

I get nervous whenever anyone asks to use my phone or computer. I get anxious that they'll accidentally open up a message or a bookmark that would ultimately spill the secret that i've held so close to me.

I was in bed when i got several messages come through on my phone. THey were from Nick. He was asking of a huge favor of me. He needed a place to stay, just for the night. So I agreed, and replied back and told him he could stay on the sofa for the night, and sent him my address.

When nick arrived, there was someone with him. A female friend of his. We had never agreed to this, but apparently she also needed a place to stay. Reluctantly I agreed that she could also stay, and pretty soon we all ended up on the fold out bed just chatting. I was on the far left side, Nick was in the middle, and his friend was on the far right side of the rather small and uncomfortable fold out bed. It was getting late so we decided to turn out the lights. Just as the lights were turned out, nick realised he needed to grab something that was laying on the ground beside the bed. He sort of tried to cross over me, but somehow ended up with his arms around me and spooning me.

I turned around and faced him, and asked him what he was doing. He didn't say anything, but i could imagine him smiling back at me in the dark. We kissed. One thing led to another and what originally was a 'twosome' became a 'threesome' with his friend joining in.

It was an intense feeling, being able to be with nick. Although it was quite a sexual situation, the feelings I had, really had nothign to do with lust or pleasure. I felt safe with nick. Secure. A feeling of worth, and love. The feeling that i was no longer alone. I guess you could say it made me feel complete.

Nicks friend persistently tried to get in on the action with me, but I kept pushing her away, and focusing on Nick. I had never felt this way about women before. It just felt so surreal. I have always been alright with seeing female in the nude and the thought of having sex with a female had never bothered me at all in the past, sometimes it actually turned me on. But tonight, I felt something that I had never felt before. I felt an immense repulsion towards her advances on me. I was happy with where i was with Nick, and I didn't want her to come between us. I was complete and didn't need a third.

After that Nick whispered in my ear, and asked me to keep this between the two of us. I promised him.

For some reason we all ended up in a room. My sister was in the room, as well as my younger brother, in addition to nick, his friend, and another two guys who i didn't know. There was idle conversation in the room when one of the guys mentioned Nick and I. I glanced over to Nick, and he gave me a disapproving look, as if to tell me not to say anything. Just before I could answer, my sister turned to me, and asked me "Is there something you want to tell me?" The random guy who had just asked about Nick and I chipped in with "Oh you know, it was so obvious."

"Why are you asking me this?" i answered, in response to both my sisters question and to random guy. "Because i dont want this to go on anymore. Im sick of all the lies and the fights and the trouble" my sister answered. All eyes were on me at this point, and i felt so under pressure and so vulnerable like i've never been before. My eyes started filling with tears, but I held them back, and tried to act as if none of this was true. I wouldn't look anyone in the eyes and I started talkinga bout something else that was completely unrelated. Yet everyone still had their eyes on me, waiting for my reply. So close to tears i was, and so close to just bursting. A million things were running through my mind and i was tryign to stay calm, making up a list of pros and cons in my head and tryign to assess the situation to try and find some way out or at least some sort of damage control.

Then my brother, who had not said a word until this point looked over at me, and said to me, "you know, they're right. You've always been so scared of trouble. Scared of what people say and always wanting to avoid having to deal with the truth, so you tell people what they want to hear".

Those words echoed in my mind. I didn't want to agree with what he was saying, but i realised that everything he said was 100% true. And it took him to tell me to make me realise.

Theres a show called 'Skins' that focuses of the life of a bunch of teenagers and goes through the issues that each character faces. In the current season, theres a Character called Grace. Of all the characters that have been on the show, she bears the most similarity to me. In her words "...I am, who i need to be". That was her response to someone telling her that she has a fake personality and is a different person around different people. Essentially, her life is my life in that respect. I am who i need to be. I am a different person around different people, and i Mould myself around others and their thoughts and opinions. Never having an opinion or view of my own, but agreeing with others, even if i dont feel the same way they do. Not wanting to cause any friction or trouble. Willing to sacrifice my own freedom of thought in order to avoid conflict and confrontation.

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Its odd that the most powerful messages are conveyed to me through my dreams.

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I have an appointment with my counsellor on thursday. but im not sure what i want or should talk about. Lately i just have this immense lack of care for everything that is going on. I've just pushed everything aside and just pretended that nothing exists. It seems to be having a positive affect on my mood, but I know that it will all fall back on me again soon.

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Its 6:11AM and I haven't had much sleep. This post probably makes no sense. Im going to try and go back to sleep.

Sometimes i'll wake up and just feel completely down and out for no particular reason whatsoever. This morning is one of those. I wish i could quantiify how i actually feel in words, but i just cant seem to. In slowly loaing my mind and my ability to communicate.

Its 4am in the morning and im wide awake not able to get back to sleep. I feel such a deep disconnection with the world around me. I had a random dream just before i woke up. I was back in highschool, out on a field. Somehow i ended up being part of a soccer/football team. I was goal keeer. Not a very good one though. I failed to save any balls watsoever. I felt so embarrassed, guilty and ashamed of myself. I felt i had let the team down. It was wasnt a great moment for me, and i felt so bad about it that i had to fight back tears. It wasnt my fault i kept telling myself.

All my life i'd never been good at sports. Not because i didnt like sports but becausei dont believe i was ever afforded.the opportunity. As a kid my parents were working pretty much 5am to 7pm and as a result i'd have to take care of my siblings. I never had the chance to do any afterschool extra curricular activities. Was never really part of a team. I also suffered from asthma, which due to lack of correct knowledge for my situation and little time, my parents kept me from.doing physical activities that could trigger my asthma.

During my time at in primaary school, i could never remember why i wasnt in any sports team. I recall one time i was out on a field playing soccer. It was like i was just placed there. I didnt know what to do. I didnt know the rules. Noone had taught me. After the game, all i can remember was that all these older kids calling me names and one name that i remember to this day was 'faggot'. I was called a faggot even tho i had no idea what it meant. It wasnt a good feeling, and ever since then i guess i was so afraid of being abused that i avoided team sports for the rest of my time at school. Id tell my parents to write in letters.to.excuse me from doing any sports, using my asthma as.a reason.

During that time when i was younger, i never really had.many friends. Was never really included in anything. My best friend was a girl called Kim. Sports teams were gender separated so whenever sports.day came, i felt i had lost my best friend for the day. I was so ashamed and embarrassed being with the guys. I was afraid of the things they'd do or say to me. I'd always be chosen last. I dreaded sports so much. Not because i didnt like it but because i was afraid. fraid because i didnt know how to play. Afraid of letting people down. Afraid of being verbally abused after the game. I dont think the teachers did anything about it. They just tokd me not to listen.

The dream i had made me think. I was so afraid being the goal keeper. But what was i afraid of? I was afraid of failure. Afraid to let others down. Afraid at what was coming to me.

I only just realised then, that ive had confidence issues all my life. I was afraid of. Humiliation and rejection so i pusshed it all away. I tried to keep as far away from team sports as i could.

And i deeply regret it now. I never got a chaance to form relationships. I never got a chance to interact with the other guys. I never had a chance to feel wat it felt like to be part of a team. To win as a team. To lose as a team.

I feel so disconnected. Sports is such a big part of normal life and i feek like im missing that entire chunk of my life. Im missing the confidence, the energy and the passion. I guess this is a.reason i feel so awkward and uncomfortable around other guys.

Right now i feel like because i've lost this part of my life, that anything i do in the future will be severely affected. Im almost graduTed and i feel that in any future workplace i'll be in, i may be ostracised from the rest of my co-workers, esp the males, as sports is a common bond most people will share. A bond that i lack. And then i would get stereotyped. They'll probably say "oh he desnt like sports because he's gay". I dont like sports because i was never given the opportunity to like it.

I feel so detachdd and like im missing an entire chunk of me. I live in fear. Im afraid.

Charlie, my sister and myself were going out to dinner, and we somehow stopped by a fancy looking restaurant. One we knew we were never going to be able to afford. We never had any intentions to go there, but we were waiting outside for some reason. The waiter greeted us out at the door and tried to usher us in. I told him we were alright. He asked if he could at least offer us something. So i asked for some water. He asked if i'd like some ice. I said no, just water.

Unlike other dreams, i couldn't remember the dialogue at all. It was like i just sat back and watched everything happened in MUTE. The waiter came back, and dropped a tub of water on the floor and walked away. I knew this waiter, he was a guy I had hooked up with a long while back. Something happened and my sister got upset. Charlie was aggrevated and got up and confronted the waiter. A brawl broke out. I couldn't understand anythign taht was going on. I walked up and asked a waitress what was going on. She wouldn't tell me. She refused to tell me, until I screamed at her. WHen she spoke to me, i couldn't understand what she was saying. But i picked up the following:

- something about 'ice'
- something about 'chicken'
- 10 newcomers to the establishment every month
- 3 bodies discarded
- a warning that I need to at all cost avoid "Gotham", a big fellow, dresses in black gear and has multiple tatoos.
- something about hosing down

Gotham walked into the restaurant, and the waitress frantically told me i had to go. I grabbed my sister and charlie, and told them we needed to leave immediately. The followed me out but so did the waitress. My sister then accidentally dropped her hand bag, where her wallet ID, and other cards fell out onto the ground. We frantically tried to pick everythign up, and i noticed that the waitress was also helping us, but she kept a few cards and put them in her pocket. I called her out and told her to hand it back over. I told her i'd call the police and tell them EVERYTHING if she didn't comply.

Gotham walked out to see what the commotion was about. Everythign went black. I woke up, trembling and sweating like crazy.

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So.... those thigns that i couldn't understand in the dream, i decided to google them, to see if they had some sort of hidden meaning.

- 'ice' slang for methamphetamines and also a term used to refer to the conspired murder or killing of someone

- 'chicken' another slang term for Methamphetamine

- 10 newcomers to the establishment: the restaurant was actually a cover for a drug operation, with at least 10 new 'customers' every week. Apparently we innocently discovered the operation, by not dining, and asking for 'water' with no 'ice'.

- 3 dead bodies. The waitress was telling me about 3 dead bodies. There were three of us - me, charlie and my sister.

- Gotham: the waitress told me that we had to at all cost avoid gotham. Im assuming Gotham was the drug lord. In reference to DC comics, Gotham was the city that Batman resided in. It is described as: a dark and foreboding metropolis rife with crime, grime, corruption, and a deep-seated sense of urban decay in the parts of the city not rejuvenated post-No Man's Land. Take this description, and describe a person with it, and you get Gotham, the drug lord.

- Hosing down: slang term referring to murder or kill someone in such a manner that the victim is dead or unable to walk away.

- Waitress taking my sisters cards as form of id: she was in on this operation as well, she couldn't let us get away, seeing as we now knew what really went on. She needed some way to find us, and my sisters dropped cards was how they were going to find us.

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Now i ask - what the FUCKING hell is wrong with me? Why am i dreaming up all these crazy things? Ice, chicken, hosing down, ??? I mean, i dont even know what the fuck methamphetamines are!! I'm the most unknowledgeable person when it comes to 'drugs'. I dont know any terms/slang or drug references so how these terms popped into my head i have no idea. There must be a reason why the people in the dream were in the dream. Why wasn't Hayden in this dream? Why was it Charlie and my sister? Why is everyone always out to get me in my dreamscape? Why do i keep dying?

I dont know what goes on in my head. Its like all my dreams are puzzles with hidden messages and clues and loaded with a heap of metaphors. My dreams have no bearing with what happens in reality.

And no, i didn't just watch a crime/drug related movie or tv show.

Is it possible for dreams to continue? Well apparently.

I wanted to talk to Hayden. I wanted to explain why I did what i did. Why i kissed him. I'd try to talk to him, but he'd keep trying to change the subject or walk away. I kept holding him back, until he agreed to go for a walk with me so I could explain things to him.

I lead him to a quiet street where there wasn't many people around so i could talk to him. I tried to explain how i felt about him, and that i've always felt that way about him. He was a little shocked to learn that I've liked him ever since i first met him. And then i explained why i kissed him. I kept explaining it over and over again. It was strange, and i dont know why, but after a while, it ended up with Hayden explaining and justifying why HE kissed me. Why HE felt the way he did about me. I dont understand.

And then as we were walking, the streets started to flood. The water levels rose so rapidly, as i got stranded on one side of the street, while Hayden was on the other side. He waved at me, and walked away. I called out asking him to help me. Asking him to wait for me. But he never replied. He dissappeared. The flood waters kept rising.

I awoke in a hospital room. My bed levitating on the ground. My entire body paralysed, not being able to move a limb. I tried to call out to someone, but I had no voice. All i could do was move my eyes. I couldn't close them. The bed kept levitating but then it started to rotate around its axis like a wheel. There was a mirror on the side of the wall. The hospital room was empty. but in the reflection of the mirror, there were doctors and nurses trying to treat a dying patient. I couldn't move. i couldn't speak. The bed kept roatating. Until i fell out. I got up and looked in the mirror again. There was nothing but my own reflection.

I can't believe it. Im beginning to have nightmares about Hayden now....

We're alone at my place, and theres noone else here. I can't remember what he was doing but I recall grabbing his arm. He looked at me, and then I just kissed him. A quick peck on the lips. He didn't resist. He just looked at me. I assumed he was ok with it, so i went in for a proper kiss. But this time he pulled away. He told me that we couldnt do this, and we had to go downstairs. He asked me if i remembered. He said he had to go downstairs. I dont know why. I dont remember. Why did he have to go downstairs? What did he tell me earlier? Before he left, he stood there, and let me hug him. It was a long comforting hug. And then he left me. He didn't talk to me. I called out to him. He didn't answer. And then a great sadness fell upon me.

I woke up in tears.

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Theres much bigger problems going on around me. Been helping out with the flood cleanups. But its been incredibly difficult for me to get to sleep the last few days. Im falling into the cycle again. Falling into the spiral of depression. Its like WTF, there are people out there who have lost their homes, lost everything, and lost loved ones. And you're here being all depressed. Get a grip on yourself!!!!

Since the coming out....I haven't communicated with EV. I dont know how i feel about her anymore. I dont want to answer anythign that she says to me. But at the same time, its also killing me that she doesnt know why im not talking to her, or what she's done.

The unmistakable rumble of the helicopters flying above me makes me shiver. The intense light emanating from their spot lights i must avoid. They're out to get me. I mustn't be seen nor heard. I can put my trust in nobody.

The room I'm in gives me the sense that theres celebrations about to unfold. Christmas tinsel hangs from the ceiling, and embellish the rather drab grey walls. The irony is that theres a banner acroos the room that says "happy birthday" and there's a large cake, sitting in the middle of a table in the centre of the room. It could be someones birthday, it could be christmas day. It could be both. It could be neither. For all i know, this world isn't real. My friends are gathered around me, to celebrate this special occassion with me. There is an eery silence, as we all sit in the room motionless and quiet. Zombie-like.

I can't hear what my friends are thinking. But i can communicate with them through thoughts. At first its one way communication. Until they hear what im communicating. It is only then that two way dialogue is possible. I can only communicate to those, who are willing to hear me first. Otherwise my thoughts fall upon closed minds. A christmas bon-bon floats from one side of the room to the other. It floats, because my mind says it can. If i believe it can, it will. I must not succumb to doubt.

Beside a fountain lays a young man, deeply disturbed and clearly upset. The soft sound of gently cascading water fills the eery silence that was once present. He weeps. Tears of blood, tears of sorrow. His body disintegrates as he weeps into nothing more than fragments of broken pottery, in the palm of my hands, covered in blood.

On the bus im sitting, with nearly every seat occupied. I'm in awe of the energy of the mind and the energy of thought itself. On this bus, I can feel the energy radiating. I can't hear what people are thinking. But i can talk to them through thought. If their mind believes, if they hear me, I am then able to hear them too. Those with doubtful minds I cannot connect with.

"Don't be afraid, I wont hurt you"
"Who are you, and what do you want with me? Why can I hear you? Where are you?"
"Who I am, and why you can hear me are of no importance. Your acceptance and belief is all that matters. You must help me. We must go.. THEY are coming"
"How am I to help you? Where are you? Please show yourself!"
"Turn around and look behind you"

The young lady turns around and glances at me, and i nod back to her in confirmation.

"Listen, you must disguise me. Do not try to fight me. I wont hurt you"
"What do you mean? How am i to disguise you? What will you do to me?"
"You will see"
"Whats happening to me? I can't control my body anymore. What are you doing? Please don't hurt me. Where have you gone?"
"Don't be alarmed. You will be safe. You can't control your body anymore, because I am now controlling you. My mind has become your conscience, and yours has now been pushed back to the subconscience region. I cannot feel what you feel, but i can see what you see and control what you do. Right now, doubt is your biggest danger"
"You're hijacking my body. What are you going to do to me? Where have you gone?"
"In a way i guess you could say that. You need to help me. You're body is my disguise. My body that you once saw, is now a figment of your imagination. If you believe that I'm not there anymore, then I am no longer there. I am here. Inside with you."
"How will I help you?"
"We must be as one. You must believe that we can be as one. Our thoughts must synchronise and merge into one. Otherwise the doubt that your mind pocesses may drive me out like a virus, and put you into grave danger. We must be united as a single mindset."

As we merge, there is no longer dialogue, as there are no longer two separate mindsets communicating with each other. What she sees, i see. What she feels, i now feel. We must get away from THEM. The light from the helicopters MUST NOT be upon us. She walks through a dark street. A helicopter flies over, and she is engulfed in light. For a few seconds we lose sychronisation and her vision to me becomes blurry.

"You are in grave danger if they see me. You mustn't be doubtful. We need to be in unity again"
"The light. there is somethin so sinister about it."
"It is sinister, only if you believe it is. We must be as one again. Rid your mind of doubt."

Alarms sound and just as the helicopter is about to open fire, we are again as one. The alarms stop and the helicopter moves on.

We are now in what looks to be an abandoned warehouse. It is infact, not abandoned at all, but fully operational. There are open circular saws everywhere. Those who dont obey THEIR will, are sent to the saws.

Alarms start sounding again. I find myself standing beside her. "What have you done?" I called out to her. "Im so sorry. I can't do this anymore" she replied as she runs off. THEY are coming for me. Hundreds of them, are coming for me. I am backed into a corner. There are several saws behind me. I am done for. I am inches from the saw, and THEY push me closer and closer. "I'm so sorry. Please have faith in me again" I hear.

My vision blurs and as i regain sight, I see what she sees. As one we move away from warehouse. In a dark alley way, again she leaves me. "Im sorry. Be safe" she tells me before she dissappears into the darkness. I keep walking.

The landscape is so urban yet so desolate. The people around are mindless, succumbing to THEIR will. I walk into a garage, where behind a car, is a mechanic. His mind is closed. He chooses not to hear me. Theres nothign i can do. THEY have him. He asks me if I require help. He said he will be back to assist me. Out of the garage he walks, and suddenly as a helicopter flies over, he signals them. Alarms sound and the light from the helicopter lights up the garage. The helicopter opens fire, the car in front of me is engulfed in flames. The image in front of me begins to blur, and I am pulled to a different location. What she sees, is what i see.

It seems SHE is able to manipulate her mind at will. Control what she believes and what she wants to believe as real. Her mind is now at war with doubt. The real danger is only about to start.

--------------------------------------------------

@Biki
Don't stress out about me. I'm safe and well. Im using wireless internet atm because our cable internet is down due to the flooding. Will talk to you soon. Stay safe.

I'm walking on a the road, beside a park, and as i walk past a nearby house, a black poople runs out and starts barking at me. All of a sudden it runs up to me and bites my arm and doesn't let go. It's teeth are sinking into my soft flesh, as i struggle to shake it off. I swing my arms up, lifting the dog off the ground and as I do, the the inertia is enough to detach the dog from myself, ripping flesh off my arms. I run, faster and faster, in a manic attempt to lose the dog that just attacked me. I take a quick glance backwards, and not only is the dog still after me, its gaining ground quick! I alter my course, off the road, and into the park. The park is a large open grassy area, surrounded by a border of trees, with a few odd trees in the centre of the field. With every stride I take, and the closer i get towards the trees in the centre, they blur and become a shadowy mass. The silhouette of the trees suddenly morph into creatures, which start to chase me, as I run past. The first tree morphs from a shadow into the prehistoric dinosaur, tyrannosaurus. The second tree into a pteradactyl while the third tree forms a plesiosaur, in which the ground it formed upon became liquid. The pteradactyl swoops at me from above, with the intention to irradicate me, while the tyrannosaurus follows close behind wanting to make a meal out of me. The plesiosaur is also after me, and as it gets closer, the ground beneath my feet liquifies. All the while, the little black poodle still has its sights set on my arm.

The only course of action available to me is to run for dear life, and as I do, i develop the ability to fly, and perch myself up onto a branch of a large tree on the edge of the park. The branch that im perched on suddenly groands and creaks, and then without warning, snaps, plunging downwards towards the ground which has now turned into a black hole. The sound of breaking wood pierces my ear drums. As i fall, i notice all the other branches of the tree snapping off, and as they fall, they morph into small boulders, ready to crush my soul as soon as we hit something solid. During the free fall, I manage to rock hop between the boulders until all of a sudden the boulders formed a staircase. I follow the staircase upwards, for what seems like an eternity until I get to the top, where I am greeted by a man and a woman. They tell me to come quickly, as they lead me to a room. there are large glass windows on 3 sides of the room. The woman tells me this is were she'll leave me. I thank her, and watch her walk out the room, and down the corridor towards the stairs. As i turn back, i notice that the man no longer has any clothes on. "But you have a wife..." I explain to him. I look around the room and the door which I had once came through, has now dissappeared. "We had better make it quick then" replied the man. With no way out, I walk towards the window. To my surprise, the window is not made of glass, but of liquid, and as i pass through the window, my surroundings change, and I find I am in a aircraft hangar.

I run outside only to find that I'm in a military base, with fighter jets flying above me. As quickly as the jets came, they dissappeared and in there place came pieces of shrapnel falling out of the sky. I scramble for cover, only to find the aircraft hangar that i just came out of has dissappeared. Out of sheer desperation, i run along the length of the runway, dodging any incoming shrapnel. At the end of the runway, is a path. A sandy path that looks like it could lead to a beach. But on either side of the narrow path is a razor sharp barbed wire fence. I notice some people walking towards me, so as they approached, i warned them "be cautious of the barbed wire fence. It looks rather sharp". They look at me with confusion, and as they try to pass me, they inadvertantly push me into the barbed wire fence to my right. I look down at my bleeding arm, and I notice that the time on my watch reads "PEAK:HOUR".

Hundreds upon hundreds of people fill up the path, and as they attempt to get pass me, I'm pushed along the fence. "Remember, the barbed wire fence is razor sharp!" I tell the people. My reminder fell on death ears as the people pass me by. The girls who pass by me appear to be topless. It made me question whether they are topless just because they're topless or whether it was because they weren't human. Up ahead of me, an ipod and a textbook lay on top of a fence post. The textbook has the name "Ryan Alman" inscribed on the front. I ask the people whether the ipod belonged to anyone. From a distance, a guy waves his arm in the air, and then points to the guy beside him. "That's not a very smart place to leave your pocessions. Someone could have taken it. I suggest you leave your belongings in a locker" I scold him. The path leads uphill. As i get to the crest, the flow of traffick suddenly comes to a
hault. The earth rumbles below me, and the ground beneath my feet breaks apart. The sound of hundreds of screaming people bellow in my ears, as we fall. We fall. Onto a wooden floor we land. "Attention ladies and gentlemen, please prepare yourselves for the next fall" a voice announces. The floorboards below us creak and groan, until they eventually give way and we fall again. Like a collapsing building, we fall through the levels of a building until eventually we reach the basement floor. There is not a sound. I brush myself off, stand up, and try to take a breath. "Congratulations" a voice announces.

"As compensation for your suffering, you may choose one of the following, provided you sign this non-disclosure agreement". In the middle of the room, is a large square table. On top of that table sits a bay marie hot food box, with an old microwave, and some other kitchen appliances. Behind the bay marie is a skinny old man with a smirk on his face. "So, which shall it be?" he questions. "Surely not any of those" i reply. "If you so wish, i shall go and fetch it for you" and with that the old man hobbled away. In the corner of the room stands a cleaner. He does not say a word. Through the steel gate at the back of the room, a man walks in. "Quick, take these keys. Theres a car down in the car park. Take that. Go to the address I'm about to tell you" he says. I take the keys off him, and run downstairs, and sure enough like he said there was a car. I opened up the car, and just as im about to get in, i notice a bear trap in the footwell near the pedals. I drop the keys and run. Away from the house, and into the crowded streets of the Central Business Disctrict. "You shouldn't have done that" a voice booms. The people in the street stop immediately, and turn and look at me. For only a few seconds. And then they continue on their way. "Please, help me" i beg of them, "take me to the train station. I need to get away." The people stop again, and stare like mindless zombies. Again the continue on their way. The streets start to flood.

The water engulfs the cars along the street until they can be seen no more. The people on the street tell me to come. But i know better than to listen to them. Because by giving in to them, i am surrendering myself to lies, deceit and certain death. I can trust NOBODY. I flee from the scene. Into an abondoned building where i will be safe from THEM. A few moments i spend in the darkness by myself. Until light filled the room. And beside me stood three people claiming to be friends. They said they would help. They promised me that they weren't one of THEM. And i believed. Right up until one of them turned into a clay figure, the other died in front of me, while the last became violently ill and began to vomit heavily. The trickery, the cunningness and darkness that is inherent in THEM. I couldn't take anymore of it. I wanted to end it all.

To the swollen river i fled, and off the highest bank, into the fastest rapids of the deepest water, I jumped. And behind me, in boats, THEY came. For several moments I had believed i had ended it all.

The river suddenly became dry until it was nothing more than a little trickle of water. Mother stood behind me. She told me I must come. Inside a train we sat, where she confided in me that she wasn't one of THEM. We were to go to the Castle, where the MASTER PLAN shall be revealed. I took out my camera, to take pictures of the view, and through my viewfinder, mother could not be seen. Instead, in front of me, through the viewfinder, was a skinny old man. "This is what you have chosen" he told me. I put my camera down. "Everything will be alright" mother says to me.

When i awake, I find myself in a white room. In the room is a small table, and around the table are 4 or 5 very short men. They told me to take shots with them. So i did. However the shot glasses had blood in them. And unlike me, they drank the shots from the bottom of the glass. How is that possible i thought to myself. The room started to shrink around me, and the people around me got shorter and shorter. And then there was darkness...

It's been a while since I was last on here. I know my last few posts haven't exactly been very easy to read or positive, and the few who have read my blog would probably think that I'm a very troubled, deeply depressed, confused and negative person. I guess thats somewhat true to an extent. The thing is though, this blog is usually my last resort, and I come here to spill my guts, to expell the toxins in my life and i guess the blog serves its purpose as a blackhole to which i dump my emotions in. With that said, the reason i guess that a lot of my posts aren't very positive is that when im in a good mood, i dont generally feel the need to come here. With that said, I now have several followers - which is more than what i ever imagined, since from the start, I always thought this blog would remain unread by anyone except for me. To those people, I'd like to say thankyou. Thankyou for being here, and giving me feedback and advice. Thankyou for letting me know im not alone. Thankyou for giving me insights into your own experiences through your own blogs. And a big thankyou to the few bloggers who i've had the honour of being able to talk to one-on-one through IM. You know who you are - once again, thankyou, and i appreciate your friendship.

Since the last time I posted, I guess things have settled down a little bit. I spent my christmas away from my family, and with a friend who I used to live with on campus. Away from my sister. Away from my housemate. Away from my family. Sometimes its just good to get away from everyday life. The ironic thing though, all this time i had away from my usual everyday life, you'd think i'd use it to think through things, about my life, about my circumstances - when in fact, I did no thinking, no self-reflection or anything alone those lines. I dont know if its a good thing or not, but I guess im sort of treating it as a temporary high, where i dont give a damn about anyone or anything. I've just shoved everything to the sides and forgotten about it. Im not particuarly proud of what i've done, but I feel happy. I feel satisfied with the way things are. But all things will come to an end sooner or later. This temporary high will end soon.

I've been spending a great deal of time with Hayden. I'm finding that I'm growing fonder of him everyday and every time i see him. I get excited whenever i hear my txt message tone that alerts me of a new message. I get excited everytime i see him popup on my instant messenger screen or whenever he comments or 'likes' somethign on my facebook profile. A few months ago, when i first met him, i would have never imagined how happy he would make me. But with light, there is always dark. With positive there is always a minus. And in this case, the happier he makes me, the sadder i get. A feeling deep inside me grows and makes me wanting to cut him out of my life altogether. The few months that i've known him, I feel as if I can connect with him so much better than other friends which i've known for years. Theres something about him, but i feel comfortable being around him.

The problem stems from the fact that the more we are together, the craving for something more than just friends grows. I feel that im beginning to cross over that blurry line of friends and something greater. There is a great uncertainty as I am unsure of whether he'll be able to reciprocate my feelings for him. He's been giving so many mixed messages. I jsut dont know what to do. As our friendship progresses, something suddenly struck me - As a whole, this friendship i have with Hayden is beginning to mirror that of my friendship with TN. It started out almost exactly the same way - both complete strangers who sort of just 'met'. The initial breaking the ice and bonding. Spending probably far too much time talking to each other. And then eventually me probably stepping over that blurry perhaps non-existant line and the friendship crumbling. The relationship i have with TN atm is a little shakey. Its on-off. I dont know what things are like through his eyes, but very rarely does he make me feel happy anymore. I'm scared that the same thing will happen with Hayden. This fear and anxiety, pulls me away from the blissful high im on, back into the depths of darkness and despair. I dont know whether i should save myself by gradually removing Hayden from my life, or whether i should just keep going the way things are going. I guess no matter what i do, both paths will probably just lead to the same destination. :-(

I have this intense feeling that I am an extremely ungrateful, selfish and needy person. I crave constant attention and I always need someone there for me. I give the illusion that im an appreciatve, grateful and caring person, but deep down i know that i am not. NOt because im not, but because I dont know how to. Sometimes everything feels like an act. I have no substance. I feel that i have no moral substance. What is right or wrong i determine from what others have told me what is right or wrong. I feel like i'm missing something. I feel like i should know within myself these sorts of things. I like to think that i am empathetic, but truth is, i dont think i have that capacity. Apathy is so easily disguised as empathy in my mind.

For the time being, I can say that im somewhat emotionally stable and that im doing pretty well. After all, i am on a blissful temporary high.

Through time, i hope i'll be able to peel back the dead outer layers of myself and expose the real me inside. I hope to be able to find substance within myself. Only then will i truly understand myself and the world around me.


------

I've been having a few recurring dreams lately.
Imagine a rocky cliff on the coastline, with waves battering the rock wall constantly, and the turbulent water below. I'm in the water, being thrown up against the rocks, trying to claw my way out, and then being sucked into the ocean again. The rocks are slippery. The process repeats itself over and over again.

I'm walking along a dirt track. There's noone else with me. As i walk, i notice that theres a large bear, sitting with its back turned to me on the side of the road. I look over, and it turns around, locks eyes with me, and then leaps forward and attacks me. There is a car nearby, with a door on either side open. I jump into the car through one door, in an attempt to escape the bear. But the bear comes through the other side. So i jump out, run around and try to close the door the bear came through to lock it into the car. But jsut as i close that door, the bear escapes through the door i came out of. So i get back into the car through the door i just closed. The process repeats itself over and over again.

---------


<3 Ron.

--------

To all my followers. I hope you all have a safe and happy new year.

The movie wasn't that great, but heck, i went along anyway. Just because i could, and also because I hadn't seen JN and his girlfriend for a while. To be quite honest, I couldn't even remember what the movie was about, but it was in 3d so that made it cool. Half way through JN and his significant other wondered out of the cinema, and it had been a while and they weren't back yet. They weren't answering their phones either.

"This movies not even that good" i thought to myself, so I got up and decided to go and look for them. Seemed that maybe i wasn't the only person with the same idea, as just as i got up to leave, another guy did the same too. "It wasn't that great was it?" he asked me. "Oh .. umm yeah it was ok, but wasn't quite what i was expecting" i replied. We walked for a while, introducing ourselves to each other, talking about uni, jobs, friends etc. And then i bumped into BC.


"Hey you! What are you doing here?" he quizzed me. "oh um was watching a movie with some friends, but they walked out and now im trying to find them" i replied. A conversation ensued, which was acknowledged by the random boy who i was talking with earlier, as he waved me goodbye and started walking off. Arggh noo...I didn't even get his number! So i became somewhat figety, playing with my keys, hoping the converssation with BC would end so that i could run after the cute boy from before.

"You seem a bit tense. and preoccuppied. whats up?" BC asked. "is it that obvious?" i answered, half laughingly, "im sorry, um i got my keyring stuck on my finger and it sorta really hurts. Anyway man, it was good to see you, but I've gotta run. I'll see you around sometime yeah? We should catch up and do something yeah?" "For sure" replied BC. And with that the conversation ended.

I glanced around, and spotted cute boy in the far distance, just about the walk around the corner and down the escalators. So i run after him. "Hey wait up man!" i called out. He looked up at me and smiled. "Hello stranger. Have we met?" Slightly confused, i stood there for a bit. "oh ..um yeah.. we were just chatting before i bumped into a friend. Im sure it was you i was talking to...well i hope it was.."
Cute boy laughed a little bit and admitted he was only joking.

What happened next sort of took me by surprise. He reaches out and grabs my hand and holds it. Out of nowhere he kisses me, then after that, we both stand side by side, hand in hand, speechless on the escalator down. "OMG!" i hear someone exclaim and at that, I drop his hand immediately, suddenly remembering that im out in public. I look across, and realise that another friend of mine, JD was coming up the escaltor on the other side. Oh crap.. i thought. This is awkward.

JD swiftly walks to the top of the escalators and jumps back on the escalator down. I have a feeling that i've got some explaining to do..."You little devil" JD exclaims with a cheeky grin on her face. "Why didn't you tell me!! OMG you two are adorable!!!" No no no no its not what it seems, I tried to explain, but my attempts were futile as she was already hooked on to the idea that we were together. Cute boy gives me a kiss on the cheek and tells me that he has to go.

"please dont tell anyone JD" i plead. "Why not? you make too good of a couple not to let everyone know about it!" JD exclaimed. "Because it will make things difficult. thats why. give me some time okay JD? Promise me this is just between the two of us. Please?" I explained. "Oh alright then. I'm running late with the movie anyway, so i'll talk to you later alright? haha you little devil. good on ya." "sure. see you later". My phone vibrates, and i take it out and find out that JN and his girlfriend have left me a message, telling me that 'something has come up'. Home it is then.

A few days after, im sitting in a class room, where we have a guest speaker, coming to tell us about entrepreneurial opportunities. In the coming days, we are told, that theres going to be a convention held for young inventors, where potential ideas for new products will be evaluated, and the best idea will win a sponsorship deal. Im not sure if its been done before, but the idea i had in my head, was a 2WD mountain bike. I raise my hand and tell the guest speaker about my idea. She tells me its a wonderful idea, and that i should definitely go to the convention, as new ideas will be recorded and broadcast on tv. "Oh you can go with your BF" JD calls out from the back of the class. "Excuse me? what?" i exclaim. "you should definitely go! I bet you and your BF will be the cutest couple on TV" added JD.

The whole class turns towards me, and I can just imagine a shroud of contempt drifting over everyones heads. I know most of the people in my class, and i guess i would classify most of them as friends, but the looks on their faces doesn't really support the 'friends' classification. "Why didn't you tell us?" asked RA, clearly distraught, "thats just... god.. thats just so wrong you know?". I tried to deny it, and tell everyone that I dont even have a BF, which WAS technically true, but it seemed that the seed had been planted, and no matter what i say noone really listened.

That was interesting. Being publically outed in front of the whole class. yay. Not. "Why does it matter? Im still the same person I've always been! Nothing has to change!" I exclaimed. "L-O-L.... so whos gay here?" someone from the back interjected. Not knowing what to do, I pointed at PL and said "PL is. yeah PL is the gay one". "haha faggot...PL is a gaybo" laughed the idiot from the back.

So the chaos and tension in the room grew so completely red-faced, and humiliated, i didn't know what to do. Please please please... oh freakin hell. this did not just happen. Frustrated, I walk out of the room, only to be pulled back in by SK. She slaps me and starts crying...."and all this time, I thought you never liked me because i wasn't pretty enough or smart enough for you! You bastard!". "no thats not it at all!!! You have no idea what i've gone through! NO IDEA AT ALL!! You know its funny because all this time, I though i wasn't good enough to have any of you like me in that way...You all have no idea..." i explained, tears rollin down my face. But i guess whatever i say, noone really cares. I unlock the door, and just as Im about to walk out, SK pushes me, and after falling for what seems like a while down a dark pit, I land in a lake...

I wake up.

The shopping centre had always had an obscure entrance. But this time, it wasn't like it usually was. I walked down a long narrow corridor. I hope it wasn't just me, but the more i walked, and the closer i got towards the door, the corridor got narrower and narrower, squeezing in on me. But there was no door on at the end.

I couldn't turn back. There was nothing there. I couldn't go forward, because there was no door. But to the side of me, there was a gate, and so through that gate i walked, to end up in the lobby. There were children in the lobby. It was enclosed by glass windows with the only diretions i could go in either back through the gate, or up an escalator. There were coins scattered around. I picked one up, and handed it to a little girl. I stepped onto the escalator, where it took up me. Up and up to a place i hadn't been before. There were more coins. Except they were all the wrong size. Either too big, too thick, too wonky or were simply blank. Until i saw one that looked like the right size. I picked it up. It was a 20c coin. I looked around. I looked at the coin again, and put it in my pocket. It was the only thing that was real.

I stepped off the escalator, and found myself in the food court. All of a sudden i felt hungry. An insatiable hunger. I lined up in the queue to get some food. But when i got to the front, it was empty. there was nothing there. there wasn't any food, and there wasn't anyone there to serve me. So i walked out.

As i walked, the corridor got narrower and narrower, until i got to the end, where there was simply a gate to the side of me. I walked through that gate, and into a lobby. There were children about. I went up an escalator, that was littered with oddly shaped coins, until i got to a food court. I was hungry, so i went to order some food.

"What would you like" she asked me. But i couldnt' answer her. Because i couldn't see what they had. I couldn't read the menu. My vision was fogging up. So i tried to push up my visor. My sight was restored for a brief moment until it started fogging up again. My order was staggered, but I finially managed to tell her what i wanted. She passed me the EFTPOS machine so i could pay. But i had my sisters ATM card. No probs, because i knew her PIN and knew she wouldn't mind. I coudln't see the keypad. I JUST COULDN"T SEE IT!. I know the PIN. How can i pay if i can't read the DARN keypad!!!!!. "Transaction Failed". She didn't know this, because she was too busy serving another customer. So i walked away.

Through the busy foodcourt I walked, until i saw someone i thought i knew. I looked at him. He looked at me. It couldn't have been. I haven't seen him for years. What would he be doing here? So i kept walking. Towards the escalator i paced. Until i got a tap on the back. "Do you remember me?" he asked. Of course i do. We walked a bit, talking. Actually he did all the talking, but i couldn't hear anything he was saying. He was RIGHT BESIDE ME!!! but he seemed distant and muffled. I couldn't pick up ANYTHIGN he was saying. Down the escalators we both went, until we got to the lobby.

The gate was no longer there. There were no coins. I turned to him an asked him...."you're not real are you? you're just a dream" He looked at me and smiled. He replied "yes, you are right". He walked with me, until we got to the two doors that had appeared in the lobby. we walked through the doors, and out to the street where there was a pedestrian crossing. I saw my sister. She was crossing the road towards us. I called out at her, and she came over. She stood there looking at me. I put my hand in my pocket to give her back her ATM card. But when i pulled it out, it wasn't hers. "oh the lady must have given me the wrong card!". She turned away and started walking towards the door that me and my friend had just come through before. I called out several times, each time with my voice getting softer and softer until i no longer had a voice. Great. Just great. I could not see. I could not hear. And now i could not talk either.

A truck drove by, and as it did, the sound of its engine and its vibrations reverberated through my ears. There was a flash of light and i was no longer on the street. There was no light, except for a hole in the far left above me. I couldn't move. I was frozen.

The sound got louder and louder, as if my ears were pressed up against the engine, and my entire body was shaking violently. And then i felt it. It crawled up on me. It could read my thoughts. The more i thought about it, and how it made me feel scared, the more i could feel it on me, and the louder the sound would get and the more intense my body would shake.

Bohemian Rhapsody plays in the background.

Whatever you are, you ARENT REAL. Thats what i tried to say. But because i couldn't talk, i communicated by thought. It responded. Im on my back. it grabbed my hand and was squeezing it, before it grabbed my crotch. I could feel it sitting on my stomach.

You're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real you're not real

I shivered violently and the sound of the engine got louder and louder and louder. STOP. and it stopped. but it was still on me. with my right hand, my only free hand, i manageed to reach out and grab it. I held on tight. If you want me, you're going to have to put up a fight. I grabbed it by the leg i assumed, which it had on my crotch. And i pulled it towards me, and gave it a big bite. It's grip on my left hand subsided. So with both hands i tried to grab it. but i couldn't. I punched wildly in front of me. I knew it was still there. I could feel its presense.

I started shivering and shaking again, and the noise in my ears became defeaning. I started to cry. I tried to scream. but nothing would come out. Again and again and again i tried to scream for help. I was defenceless. I couldn't see. I was deafened by the noise in my ears and i couldn't physically get it. I couldn't move my body. It was on top of me. I had no voice.

I tried with everything i had, and managed to move my right leg, and kick it off me. And just as quickly as it came, it dissappeared just as fast. The violent shaking stopped. my vision restored. and i slowly regained body control.

I awoke to find myself on my bed, with the covers over my head, and the sound of the trains and cars driving pass.

This isn't the first time i've encoutered it. It's tried to get me before. It scares me. I dont want to fall asleep again.

Im in a plane, passing over the city. I stare out the window like i always do trying to spot landmarks and watch the cars drive through the city. I look out one last time, because i know it'll be my last. I'm looking forward to the landing.

I'm looking forward to it all coming to an end. We're spiraling down towards the earth. The run way isn't anywhere in sight. But its okay. Because its going to come to an end. I look out the window once more, and we're almost there. it becomes a blur as we reach terminal velocity. I can see the ground coming up ahead.

I'm really scared now. I had accepted the eventualities of the situation. But now im not so sure about it. My heart is pounding in my chest. I really don't want to be here. Get me out. PLEASE! I dont' want to be here. Somebody help me!!. FFS. Im telling you. I DONT WANT TO BE HERE.

Oh god. no. please. make it quick.

Time freezes. everything around me is white. but the end never comes. it just doesn't. and im still here.

I'm sorry. Sorry for getting everyone worried.

Things have been tough for me lately. My whole life felt like it was crumbling. My non-existent social life, not having someone who i could really connect with, a longing for a soul mate, things turning a bit sour with my housemates, my financial situation, my job hunting, my poor academics, general depression and the effect its having on my health. As a result of depression, I've been having chronic insomnia, hypertension, tiredness and lack of energy, eating issues and loss of appetite, headaches, lack of focus and spurts of restlessness.

The depression I think stems from my very bleak view of life. A sense of hopelessness and worthlessness. I keep imagining my future - working in a job that i probably wont like, and doing the whole 8-4 thing, acting happy and confident, pretending i have friends while really i don't have anyone i can connect with or am close to. And then i picture myself doing that for the rest of my life. Being LONELY for the rest of my life. And so i have this craving, an obcession even, to find a soul mate. Someone who understands me. Someone who i can trust. Someone who i can understand and trust. Right now I don't have ANYONE (in real life as opposed to cyberspace) who I can really talk to. I don't have anything in common with any of my real life friends and I just find that I just can't connect with them. We can go out and do things, but at the end of the day, people end up clinging to those who they share a common bond with, so i usually end up by myself. My longing to find someone i could connect with was part of the reason for my sort of obcession with TN. But I know nothings ever going to happen because he gives me hope that some sort of decent friendship would ever happen, and then he takes it all back again. It makes me feel that I'm not worthy to be with anyone. To be anyones friend. AM i really that bad of a person that he doesn't want anything to do with me? It's lead to me doubting myself all the time. Thinking that I'm not good enough. That I'm worthless.I have confidence issues. MAJOR confidence issues.

My job hunting isn't going very well either. I'm supposed to be graduating from uni at the end of the year. I've applied for every internship and graduate position that I've known of and day after day all i get is a rejection email. Not even a personal one, but a mass emailed rejection. And the only other time that I thought i had any sort of a chance, I was called up on the last hour, of the very last day, and told that although i scored highly in the interview, that i scored highly in the group excercise, that i scored highly in the individual test, that ultimately, my degree type was the wrong one for them and that they can't see a position for me. I was the last person that they called that week. They said i was a tough one to decided. But still in the end, it was another rejection. The HR manager mentioned that the other supervisors noticed that i wasn't as outgoing as the other candidates.

What gets me down is that because of my confidence issues, I'm not a very outgoing person. I don't do well in large group settings. And a lot of these job interviews you really have to be confident and sell yourself. Do you see a dilemma here? I have such low self esteem, self-worth and confidence that I just can't do this. I just can't talk about how good I am, and how much of an asset i'd be to the company if I don't personally believe that myself. I've had a bit of a pessimistic attitude recently and no matter how hard i try, i can't seem to shake it off. I can't seem to see myself for what im worth.

Another aspect about the rejections i've been getting have been partly because of my poor academics. Every semester i tell myself this is going to be my best one. But it goes downhill everytime. I've really got noone to blame but myself. I don't spend nearly enough time studying, and when I do I can't focus. My mind wanders, and I keep bringing up things, like how i wish i had someone with me. During the week, I look forward to the weekends, thinking that this weekend i'll be doing something fun with my friends. Only to find out that either everyone is busy, they don't' feel like it or on some occassions have already planned something and not invited me. So i crawl back into my bed and spend my weekend depressed in my room. I've lost all motivation to study. I don't look forward to anything anymore. I don't look forward to my weekends, because to me,weekends=depressed. Yet i don't look forward to the week either, because during the week I'm at uni, alone. I see people at uni, sitting and chatting with friends. Out on the grass having fun. In the food courts having lunch as a group. People studying together. I wish i had that. I really do. It really kills me inside that I've got noone who does the same degree as me that i can study with. Noone who i can hang out with at uni whenever i have my breaks. I spend my days at uni either in class or in the library by myself. Some days I go the entire day without speaking to anyone. All the while i should be studying, I have these thoughts running through my head, and any attempt to learn is futile, as nothing stays in my head. I end up wasting away my days and not learning anything. Just yesterday I failed an exam. it was worth 45%. It makes me sad knowing that once, i was getting High Distinctions and Distinctions and now I'm barely scraping a pass.

At home, things aren't any better. My sister and my other housemate have been a bit sour towards me. I've been doing some irrational things. I don't have a job atm, so I'm living off whatever my parents are giving me. I don't come from a wealthy family. I wouldn't even say we were middle class. We're just getting by. With what money my parents give me, I usually help out with the bills and groceries, while my sister who studies and works, pays for the biggest expense, rent. A few days ago I had an argument with my sister about my financial situation. Mum had called her up and apparently told my sister that she was doing it tough trying to make enough money to support me. My sister got annoyed that mum was telling her this instead of calling me up and telling me. She said I was lazy and needed to get a job, and that mum should stop giving me money since they're doing it tough at home as well. After the phone call I asked my sister what was said and she got angry with me, and told me that I need to stop being a lazy prick and contribute. For me to get a job. I explained to her that I have tried. Many times and not had any success. But she didn't believe me. ANd this is when my other housemate came in and supported my sister, telling me that I'm only making excuses and that If other uni students can find a job, then so can I and that I needed to pull my head out. After that argument, I felt so bad. I was angry that noone believed my attempts at find work, noone supported me. I had noone there for me. They also told me that i needed to stop wasting money on things of no importance - referring to how i had spent some money on a camera, and on my wii. But you know what? I bought those things to keep me sane. To keep myself from having all these depressive thoughts. To take me out of my miser for a little while so I can have some sort of peace of mind. And those irrational things i've been doing - cleaning the house excessively, spending far too much time in the kitchen cooking/cleaning. Again i do those things to take my mind off other issues. But they don't know that. My housemates don't know what I'm going through. They don't know i have depression, and that even when i say i'm gong to bed, i don't end up sleeping until almost morning. They don't know that i'm not straight, and they say a lot of things that upset me greatly. They don't understand how lonely i am. I have no friends. Both my sister and my housemate have partners. They do things together as couples all the time. Movies, restuarants, going out to the city etc. And in the meantime, i watch on as they all have joy in their lives. They all have someone to cuddle, to be with, to talk to. I have noone. I sit in my room and cry.

I feel so bad that i have to hide my sexuality from everyone. I can't go out and make friends because it's somethign thats always in my mind. I don't know what they'd think of me if they knew the truth. I can't go out and make friends with other people like me, because then I'd raise suspicion. I feel so trapped. I so scared that my family will find out. I don't have the courage to tell them. I don't think they will take it well. I don't want to lose them. If i lose my family, i have NOONE. I'm afraid of how people will judge me if they knew the truth. I'm afraid that the group of 'friends' i have now will think I had lied to them the whole time. I'm afraid of how my family will judge me. I'm afraid that if i did come out to them, that later down the track I find out that that's really not what I wanted. It's a big commitment and right now I don't feel like i can commit. I've got too much to lose, but at the same time, I really DON'T have anything to lose at all. I still haven't accepted myself yet.

All these thoughts, feelings and emotions have made me depressed so much that I'm physically suffering. I have chronic insomnia and no matter how tired I am, i just can't get to sleep. It sounds so silly but I end up crying most nights. I can never wake up feeling refreshed. I've had to go out and buy a blood pressure monitor just so i can try to control my hypertension. The last reading i took was 158/99 with a pulse rate of 132. My doctor knows im suffering from hypertension and insomnia, but refuses to give me medication because he thinks im too young to be taking medication for hypertension and he doesn't want to get me addicted to sleeping tablets, especially after i ended up in hospital once from the tablets he gave me. My general lack of energy is also leading to easting disorders. I end up eating at odd times, losing my appetite a lot even when im starving. And when i do eat, i end up either vomiting or feeling really bloated and uncomfortable. It doesn't help my appetite either when my housemates are both health junkies and eat things like wholegrains, brown rice, wholemeal pasta, soy milk etc which i just CAN'T learn to like. These things they buy aren't usually cheap so I feel like i just have to go with what they're eating other wise if i get my own set of groceries, our bill is just going to skyrocket not to mention the waste of food if i don't finish eating what i bought since neither of them touch the things i would buy. So many days, I don't eat. I don't have breakfast. I don't have lunch. Sometimes when I'm at uni, i'll buy something from the refect, but still, I lose my appetite and don't really feel like eating anything. Then by the time i get home my stomach would be growling and i'd be feeling quite weak. When i make dinner, my housemates don't eat because they believe my food is 'unhealthy'. So i have to let them make dinner, and since they're health junkies they'd make somethign that is completely unappealing to me, and because of my appetite problems, i'd only end up having a few bites, and feeling hungry for the rest of the night. I end up drinking far too much to offset my lack of eating. The tap water in our unit is really foul tasting so I usually buy bottled water or juice, or those flavoured waters. Despite all this, i still find myself gaining weight! Since the start of 2009, i've gained almost 5kgs!! My sister has scolded me so many times telling me that I should stop eating crap. I told her that the problem wasn't because i ate 'crap' (crap refers to normal milk, butter, white bread, normal pasta, meat etc) but because i didn't EAT in the first place. I told her that there's nothing in the pantry that I feel like eating. She then got annoyed at me and told me that if I don't want to eat that stuff then i should just go out and buy my own food. But I can't, because if i did, we'd spend way too much money, and having two sets of food in the house just isn't economical, especially since her and my other housemate won't eat anything i make. It just doesn't make sense. So I told her that because of their lifestyle, I felt that i've had to compromised my own diet in order to be able to not run into financial problems. My sister got angry with me and said that Im using her and my housemate as scapegoats and that any health problems arising are my own fault. This really upsets me because thats not what i intended at all.

Although she's my sister, I'm emotionally distant from her. In fact, i'm not close to anyone in my family at all. I feel i can't talk to anyone about anything. I've got two younger brothers. My younger brother (not the youngest) is a bit of a rebel, and has always been difficult at home. He does what he feels like, despite my parents rejections. He forges his own path regardless of the others around him. Whereas I tended to be far too obedient. :-( i wish i had the strength and courage of my brother. But theres a reason why I am the way I am. When i was a child, my dad had always favoured my rebel brother. My dad accused me of being a bastard child that my mum had from an affair. He said i was a dumb and stupid child - i couldn't talk until i was 3, and anythign that was given to me, toys etc, i would end up breaking them apart. So he just stopped buying me things. I recall when i was about 4 or 5, he bought my brother a rather expensive remote control car. For me all he got was a small matchbox car. He would take my brother and they'd go and play with the remote control car, while i stayed behind. I was only a child then, but I was so upset, and felt so unloved. Eventually i realised that I was able to get more of my dads attention if I obeyed his every command, and did everythign he asked of me. It was only when he realised that he didn't have 100% control over my brother that he started giving me attention. If i wanted to go out somewhere, and he said no, that was the final answer. I just didn't go out. If i wanted something and he didn't approve of it, that was the final answer. I obeyed every word he said as if he were some sort of God. Because i knew that unless i did, I wouldn't get any of his attention or love. My other siblings have repeatedly told me that i'm the 'favourite' child in the family and that I get anything that i want. But they have no idea what i've had to go through. They have no idea what i've had to sacrifice for things to be this way. And my parents don't seem to understand that giving me material posccessions does not necessarily equate to love. Even to this day, my dad uses me as a reason for his 'suffering' - how him and mum have to do hard labour every day so that they can support me. Would it not hurt anyone to be told that they are a burden? So now that we've established that among my other problems, I'm also a burden. My youngest brother has had it easy his whole life. He's never had to step up and take charge of anything. He's always had everything he wanted handed down to him. The other day my sister asked him who he looks up to, and he replied that he looks up to my rebel brother. She asked him why and why doesn't he look up to me, as i'm a good role model since i'm intelligent, kind, obedient and that im at uni. He told her that he doesn't see me as a role model because im a 'fag' and that im 'uncool', 'nerdy' and a 'sissy'. That really really hurt me like nothing before. I felt as if I had been stabbed in the heart multiple times and left to bleed. Did he not realise how much I sacrificed in the past taking care of him while my parents were at work, having to skip school to look after him. I tried to give him the upbringing that my parents never gave me. And this is what i get for everything i've done for him. It only reaffirms to me who worthless i really am, and what my family would think of me.

Taking everything into considering, it's no suprise that i've actually contemplated suicide so many times. I've thought about how fragile life really is and how it could be ended so easily. How my suffering could be instantaneously erased. But then I think about how absurd suidcide was, and that all my problems and issues are all so petty. That they were all insignificant. There are people in this world, fighting, struggling, doing all they can to survive. And here i am rubbing it all in their faces by even thinking of taking my own life.

I'm really mentally unstable. I get swayed so easily by little things that happen. I take everything far too personally and literally. My mind is unsteady.

The last few days, I've been so depressed, anxious and stressed out about everything. So much that its manifested into my dreams. I keep having recurrent dreams about the same issue. Two dreams that were especially provoking included one in which i had a massive argument with my sister, and ended up losing it (im usually very calm and very non-violent) and smashing a whole heap of things. She then went and told my mum that i had completely lost it. I tried to explain the situation to mum, and how i've been depressed and how i've come so close to attempting suicide. But she laughed at me and told me that I need to harden up and that if im really that weak that i want to kill myself, then go right ahead. She didn't even offer me any support at all. I was so gutted that i grabbed the knife and stabbed myself in the chest several times in front of her, in front of my sister and my entire family. I really thought this was the end and that i wouldn't have to suffer any more. And then I woke up.

In the other dream, i dreamt i was back at home. I was in my room when my family walked in. They all stood there looking at me, with faces of despair, horror and disgust. I saw my little brother at the door, smirking at me, almost laughing, and pointing his finger at me. My dad, red faced and all, came to me and asked me if i was gay. I asked him would it really matter so much to him if i was? I never answered his question but he immediate broke into tears. NOT ONCE in my life have i ever seen him cry. He was angry and distraught and yelled at me, and told me that he never wanted to have anything to do with me ever again. He didn't want to see me, he didn't want me there in his house. I was so shocked i started crying. I saw mum crying too so i asked her for her support. I told her i needed her, and that It wasn't my fault that i was this way. It was just who i am and that i couldn't change who i was. Instead of being there for me, she screamed out me. She told me she didn't love me, and that they all hated me and wanted me gone. I cried so hard, that i woke up panting with tears rolling down my face.

I'm afraid of going to sleep. Im scared that i have to relive these moments all over again in my dreams.



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Im so sorry I got you guys worried - BaS, Ron, Ben. I've just been really down recently. I'm slightly better now that i've got my assignments and exams out of the way. When i did my last post, i had an argument with my sister, and i also learnt about what my little brother thought of me. I just couldn't handle it anymore so i broke down.

It's so weird. I usually have the strangest dreams when I least expect it. When I've got a lot of drama going on around me, it never seems to manifest in my dreams. But then when everything seems to be alright, BAM it strikes.

I had an early morning class today, and I've been up since 4am, so when i got back from uni a bit after midday, I was heaps tired and fell asleep on my bed. I ended up in a dream land. It was really weird. I was on a bus. Not sure where we were heading though. But the bus did stop a at a few places so it must have been a tourist bus or something. I dont recall any of the faces on the bus. Except for one. She was the closest person i had to a grandmother (i've never met ANY of my blood relatives before) and she passed away almost two years ago. Actually thinking about it, the anniversary her of death is tomorrow, which is coincidental that my sub-conscience would remember this, where as I had actually forgotten.

So we're on the bus and I decided to sit next to her. I told her that i missed her and asked her to come back. But she told me that she has moved on and that I'll be fine without her. That was when we got off at some remote location. It was a lookout. It was a really strange landscape. She couldn't come with me, but i got off the bus and walked across what seemed like volcanic rock until i came to a valley. I crossed the valley, then climbed what seemed to be the steepest hill ever. By steep i mean almost vertical! But the view from the top was spectacular. There was a couple sitting on the top, back turned towards me. They loved each other a lot. You could just feel it. And then i looked into the sky and there was a message written out. I can't make out the exact message, but it was a message professing the couples love. After seeing that, I really wanted what that couple had, i wanted to have that same feeling of mutual trust, respect for each other and the passion they had for each other.

I climbed back down and crossed the black valley again. And then i felt a tapping on my leg. I looked around but didnt see anyone. I walked forward a few metres and felt that tapping again. I looked down and what I saw kind of surprised and shocked me. It was a hand, made of granite, that was floating in the air. It was made of rock but somehow it could move its fingers. I walked away from it, it followed, and then tapped me on the leg again. It followed me until i got back to the bus. The bus driver looked at me and said "thats black magic right there"

We got back on the bus. I sat beside grandma again. I can't remember what i asked her, but she replied with "They never told you. They won't EVER tell you. They've lied to you. All of them"

Our last stop was at grandmas house. Before i could even get up, a lady that i have a feeling i know, but i couldn't recognise came on to escort me out. It was strange because following her were several exact clones of her. She lead me through the door and closed the door behind me. I asked if grandma was going to come, and they said she had left already. It was then i noticed that all the people in the room were wielding rather large knives. I freaked out and started screaming before one of them came up to me and dropped the massive knife on me.

I woke up. I was in the living room of a family friends house. They have 2 young children, one 7 and one 5. I've known these kids since they were born. But what was strange was that they were sitting in the corner not saying a word, while I was playing with what looked to be clones of them.

I looked up at the wall and saw myself staring at a picture that looked really familiar. And then I woke up - that familiar picture was actually a picture I have on my bedroom wall and thats the first thing i saw when i woke up.

There is something wrong with me. I can't get to sleep. For the last couple of years I've been taking either sleeping pills ( One time it ended up with me in hospital) or those herbal sleep aid things. My doctor has now refused to give me anymore sleep medicine as he thinks i'm becoming reliant on them. Okay fair enough. But the fact i can't get to sleep is making me physically ill. I never feel satisfied the next morning. I always feel tired. My mind is always blurred. I can't study, I can't learn. It really sucks. It literally feels like my head is going to explode. I've also got mild hypertension. And no, its not genetics because I've had my family tested and the only one is me.

When i do eventually fall asleep though, I keep getting these recurring dreams. Where either my teeth crumble into my hands, or my hair falls out. Its really disturbing.
I googled it and found some of these explanations:

Hair Falling Out
Since hair is commonly associated with power, dreaming of loosing hair is often an indicator that we feel like our energy is being drained away. Like tooth loss dreams there is often an accompanying feeling of helplessness that comes with dreams of hair loss. And like tooth loss dreams, hair loss dreams may point to feeling powerless to change a situation. If you dream of loosing hair, look at you life and see if there are relationships or situations which are energy drainers.

Teeth Falling Out
Dreaming that your teeth are falling out is one of the many common anxiety dreams. You may dream that your teeth are crumbling in your hands or that your teeth are falling out one by one with just a light tap. Such dreams are horrifying and shocking. So what does it mean?
One theory is that dreams about your teeth reflect your anxiety about your appearance and how others perceive you. These dreams may also be a fear of your sexual impotence, powerlessness or even getting old. Alternatively, you may fear being embarrassed in some specific situation. These dreams are an over-exaggeration of your worries and anxiety.

I admit, I do feel my situation is extremely energy draining, and that I'm helpless and can't do anything about it. I have a fear of being embarrassed or making a fool of myself. I worry too much about what people will think of me.

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Last night I had this dream, where I was in my room. It was late at night. My brother had just come back and for some reason he was out in the backyard walking around the house, probably coming in through the back door so that he wouldn't wake anyone. But then he walks pass my window and peers through. For some reason I have images of naked men on my computer screen. I run over to close the curtains, but he's already seen it. "Why are you watching gay porn?" he questions me. I try to deny it, and run over to the screen and turn it off. The power button isn't working. So i pull the monitor down so its laying flat on my table. "What are you trying to hide?" he asks me. "Nothing!" i replied. He sticks his head through the window and shines a flash light at me, and I realise that I'm naked. I tell him to get out and no matter how much i push him, he's still there.

And thats when I feel my teeth crumbling. My mouth is bleeding badly and all my teeth fall out into my hands. I'm covered in blood. I have no idea what to do. I start crying.

Then I woke up.

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These dreams aren't one offs. They keep constantly recurring. I don't know how to stop them.