Empty Spaces

So this day has reared itself around again, and I'm not sure whether or not I should be happy about it. I guess I should start with the positives first. I am happy for today, because I turn 25, 25 years on this glorious planet, 25 years worth of life experiences, friends and relationships, a roller coaster of emotions, and lastly 25 long gruelling years of self discovery. And yet I keep thinking that I still haven't progressed much further from where I initially started. Sometimes I can't help but think that perhaps it would have been better off If i had not have been born at all.

Now onwards we march towards the negatives, donning our suits of shining armour. Today serves to remind me about how much of a failure I am. It reminds me about how my life has come to a screeching halt with absolutely nowhere else to go. After 25 years I still haven't been able to accept and embrace who I am, and learn to love myself. I'm bound down by the chains and shackles of guilt, shame and obligation. Its hard to watch life go on around me. I see people I've known who are my age partnering up, settling down and having families, some progressing further upwards in their careers, people who are financially independent, people who are free to live their lives.

And I look at that, and blow out the candles on my imaginary cake and wish that I had that. I wish I could accept and embrace who I am. I wish I could learn to love myself and stop with the insecurities and self hatred. I wish I didnt have to hide who I am. I need consolidation and closure. I wish I had a partner who I could love sincerely, give all of myself to, and share my life with. I wish for the opportunity for a career in a field I could enjoy. I wish that I could be more financially responsible. I wish I could break free and start living life.

But we all know wishes aren't real. So for today I'll again be alone. Going about doing the same things I do every other day. Fighting back the tears, wiping my eyes dry, and laying back in bed hoping to get some more rest before I have to get up for the day.

no not really.

Havent been on here for a while. For many reasons. For none at all. Partly because coming on here means that more often than not i will have a problem or an issue. I dont want to have a problem or an issue so i stopped coming here hoping that said problem or issue will just dissappear. And if it doesn't dissappear, i'll just pretend that i never had a problem or issue in the first place. Because if i just hide it inside and pretend it doesnt exist, then it doesnt exist right?

A lot of things have happened since the last time i wrote a proper post. Many things have changed. Some for the better some for the worse. The things around me have changed and my circumstances have changed. Yet the feeling within me is more or less the same. The void and the darkness is still there.

This existence still feels empty and pointless. I try too hard to find meaning in my life. What if life doesn't actually have a meaning at all?

So...
1) Graduated
2) Meltdown
3) Lost
4) Relocated
5) Disconnected
6) Reconnected
7) Confusion
8) Frustration
9) Depression

Thats life so far.




---------------

Light1

So.. life and stuff right, not much has really happened yet at the same time theres been quite a bit happening. I've been so busy lately that i haven't really had time to write about any of these things.

Where to begin...

I've been working a whole lot lately. Im only a casual employee with no real set hours and im usually on call, but for nearly the past three months i've been working pretty much 38 hour weeks in addition to still having classes at uni. My shifts have been pretty sporadic, and a lot of them are split between the day. For example i'd have a 4 or 5 hour shift early in the morning (6am etc) and then i'd have another shift later that afternoon/night from about 5pm to 11pm and I wont usually get home until midnight, where i'd then have to get back up again early in the morning to start my morning shift again. The routine is really quite arduous and as a result i barely have to do anything else. Sometimes i dont really even have time to eat. Go to work, come back home, sleep for a few hours, get back up to do my night shift, get home, sleep, wakeup, go back to work for my morning shift, and repeat. 6 days a week.

At work I've kind of assumed the role of second in charge of my department, and as a result my workload is pretty big and the whole time im there im running around like a mad man trying to get everythign done. My job is pretty physically intensive, lifting lots of pretty heavey crates and stuff. There are times when i actually think im doing more than the department manager himself. I pretty much am trained to be able to run the department, so if my manager left tomorrow, I'd be able to take over. Speaking of 'taking over' theres somethign that I'm also going to mention but maybe a bit later in the post.

In the store i work at, there are several different departments, and out of the 7 departments, i've worked in 6 of them, and 3 on a regular basis. I get shifts from all 3 departments which means my work schedule is really full on. I hardly get time to go out, see friends etc anymore.

Work has been my escape from life pretty much. I use it as a way to forget about everything that is going on. I've been so busy with work in fact that I haven't seen my counsellors since the last time i wrote about it. I've been on and off with my meds. I know its not good but i just really can't stand having to be on drugs all the time.

Work has also become my social life. I go to work especially in the hopes that i'll get to see nick. being in different departments from him now, i dont really get that much of a chance to talk to him anymore but getting to see him once or twice a week makes me happy. The time i've known him i've learnt so much from him. I really like him and he knows that i like him. There are a few other colleages that i've become close to too. One of them is this really cute gay boy. We'll call him Jake.

The first shift Jake ever worked, the moment i saw him, i just had this feeling that he might be gay. I got to know him a bit more, and we talked a bit, but he never told me he was gay. It was weird because he had told Nick and another colleague, which we'll call Sal. I was talking to Sal and Nick and they both said Jake had said he was gay. But i decided I'd ask him for myself because i'd rather hear it from him. So when we were alone, i asked him, and he told me he was, and asked if i was bothered by his homosexualness. I told him i was fine with it.

He then proceeded to tell Sal later that i had asked him if he was gay, and insinuated to Sal that perhaps i was gay too and that i liked him. Sal told me this afterwork. in a way i was kind of annoyed because now he had planted this seed in sal's head, which would make her start questioning whether or not i was gay.

During my absence from their departmnet, Sal and nick had become quite close and were spending more time together. I guess i was a little jealous in a way because I felt like i was missing out being with nick. And whenever i was with them, sal was always there so i felt a bit like the third wheel. The situation was a little bit awkward.

One morning Jake and I were alone, and i dont know what i was thinking, but i came out to him. He wasn't all too surprised, and told me he was actually just waiting to see if i would actually tell him anytime soon. I told him to keep it hush because noone else knew, except for nick.

Jake is so bad at keeping secrets tho, because the other day, Jake sal and i were in the staff room and jake brought up a previous conversation that him and I had, which made it sooo extremely obvious to Sal. I just went quiet and tried to divert the covnersation elsewhere. After that, when we were alone i asked him why he had to make it so obvious to Sal, when i had told him that noone else knew and that i didnt want anyone else to know. His reply was "oh i thought she knew already!?". >.<

In a way he had already planted the seed in Sal's head, and now he's unintentionally let it slip. I knew that Sal probably already knew so that night i ended up telling sal too. So now i've officially come out to 3 people, nick, sal and jake.

Jake keeps asking me why im so afraid of having people know, and that i should embrace it and be happy, but somethign this personal to me, i just feel like its not something to just through around openly like he does. Hes a lot more accepting of himself, probably more so then i am. I tend to keep personal issues closely guarded and only really tell people i've gained an understanding and trusting relationship with.

Why did i tell jake then? stupid of me, but it was because i kind of had a bit of a crush on him, and thought that maybe because he was gay as well that perhaps it would be good to have a gay friend IRL. We've still got to work on things between us two.

Now back to that work thing before that i said i would mention. I had my palm read and although i dont usually believe in horoscopes and fortunes etc, this reading that i got really did make me think twice.

"your life line is long and prominent.however your patience signature has been tried many times. something is troubling you, but you will overcome it in time. in the very near future, you will have an opportunity to rearrange your schedule. make a wise choice, and your time spent will be worthwhile."

It seemed so perfectly fitting to my life.

At the time, i was unsure of what the last part really meant. An opportunity to rearrange your schedule. That was until the other day my store manager offered me a management contract. He wanted me to become the department manager of my department. As a result of this contract, i would have guaranteed hours, and no more of those horrid split shifts anymore. I would simply be working 6am to 2pm 6 days a week. No more late nights.

I thought about this offer, and i talked to a few people about it, but in the end, i turned it down. my reasons were:
- greater responsibility
- less flexibility
- with the change in schedule, i wont see nick anymore. or sal or jake.
- a lower pay then what im currently already getting working my sporadic schedule.

In a way, some might say it could have been an irrational decision because i based the decision mainly on the fact that i wouldn't get to see nick anymore. But at this time, i just feel like i've made the right decision.

--------------------------------------------

In other news, i've also started being a bit more social. Hanging out more with my friends. Lately we've been attempting to all meet up as a group at least once every 2 weeks. Even if its just for dinner, or a movie or something.

Last night we went out bar hopping/clubbing. And while at a club dancing, i saw this reallly cute guy dancing with only another male friend of his. Im always usually really shy and avoid eyecontact, but last night was different. I stared at him. And he saw me staring at him, and we both kept exchanging glances. We both kind of danced around each other and we'd occasionally bump and touch each other. It was a really weird feeling, because i just wanted him so bad. Like i just wanted to touch him, and make out with him. The whole night i kept looking at him and dancing with him, while at the same time trying to remain discreet so my friends wouldn't realise.

I also kind of saw that perhaps my friends wouldn't mind so much if i ever told them i was gay. Its kind of a running joke now that me and hayden are lovers. we held hands and hugged each other a few times that night, and one time my friends even pushed our faces together and made us kiss. one of them remarked that we were a cute couple. lol.

but i dont know. things could be that way atm just because they probably all see it as a joke, and maybe they would change the way they see me if i did actually tell them i was gay.

----------------

so yeah... thats life so far. its been a bit of a rollercoaster ride. Some highs and some lows.

i'll try and make more time to keep my journal updated.

btw guys thanks for the comments. sorry if i dont reply back. doesn't mean i dont appreciate them. Im just a bit busy thats all..

<3 much love.

I got my tests results back and they were all................


NEGATIVE!!! :-)

A clean bill of health from every test that was done.

Sigh of relief.

I've got an appointment with my GP and counsellor next week as well. I have to figure out what im going to say and what i need to sort out first.

-----------

One thing bringing me right down is my parents. I love talking to them, because i miss them, but whenever we talk, it brings my mood and self-esteem and confidence right down. I hate being made the posterboy that everyone looks up to. I hate having to live up to this image. Im not perfect. And when they make me out to be the perfect child it kills me bit by bit, knowing that when the truth comes out, I'll be the biggest dissapointment of them all.

Its 5:12am in the morning. I went to bed at around 2am. Im up and awake. Seriously, I've had the worst 3 hours, laying in bed, with everything, with nothing, running through my head. Laying there tossing and turning trying to fall asleep. Drifting in and out of sleep. Fading in and out of a dream world and the real world.

In those 3 hours, I had an epiphany.

At work just a few hours before that, Nick had asked to use my phone to text one of his friends, since he had run out of credit on his phone. Knowing me, and after a past incident, I NEVER let anyone touch my phone or my computer. But just this once, I let him, trusting that he would not violate my personal privacy by going through my messages or looking through my phone.

I get nervous whenever anyone asks to use my phone or computer. I get anxious that they'll accidentally open up a message or a bookmark that would ultimately spill the secret that i've held so close to me.

I was in bed when i got several messages come through on my phone. THey were from Nick. He was asking of a huge favor of me. He needed a place to stay, just for the night. So I agreed, and replied back and told him he could stay on the sofa for the night, and sent him my address.

When nick arrived, there was someone with him. A female friend of his. We had never agreed to this, but apparently she also needed a place to stay. Reluctantly I agreed that she could also stay, and pretty soon we all ended up on the fold out bed just chatting. I was on the far left side, Nick was in the middle, and his friend was on the far right side of the rather small and uncomfortable fold out bed. It was getting late so we decided to turn out the lights. Just as the lights were turned out, nick realised he needed to grab something that was laying on the ground beside the bed. He sort of tried to cross over me, but somehow ended up with his arms around me and spooning me.

I turned around and faced him, and asked him what he was doing. He didn't say anything, but i could imagine him smiling back at me in the dark. We kissed. One thing led to another and what originally was a 'twosome' became a 'threesome' with his friend joining in.

It was an intense feeling, being able to be with nick. Although it was quite a sexual situation, the feelings I had, really had nothign to do with lust or pleasure. I felt safe with nick. Secure. A feeling of worth, and love. The feeling that i was no longer alone. I guess you could say it made me feel complete.

Nicks friend persistently tried to get in on the action with me, but I kept pushing her away, and focusing on Nick. I had never felt this way about women before. It just felt so surreal. I have always been alright with seeing female in the nude and the thought of having sex with a female had never bothered me at all in the past, sometimes it actually turned me on. But tonight, I felt something that I had never felt before. I felt an immense repulsion towards her advances on me. I was happy with where i was with Nick, and I didn't want her to come between us. I was complete and didn't need a third.

After that Nick whispered in my ear, and asked me to keep this between the two of us. I promised him.

For some reason we all ended up in a room. My sister was in the room, as well as my younger brother, in addition to nick, his friend, and another two guys who i didn't know. There was idle conversation in the room when one of the guys mentioned Nick and I. I glanced over to Nick, and he gave me a disapproving look, as if to tell me not to say anything. Just before I could answer, my sister turned to me, and asked me "Is there something you want to tell me?" The random guy who had just asked about Nick and I chipped in with "Oh you know, it was so obvious."

"Why are you asking me this?" i answered, in response to both my sisters question and to random guy. "Because i dont want this to go on anymore. Im sick of all the lies and the fights and the trouble" my sister answered. All eyes were on me at this point, and i felt so under pressure and so vulnerable like i've never been before. My eyes started filling with tears, but I held them back, and tried to act as if none of this was true. I wouldn't look anyone in the eyes and I started talkinga bout something else that was completely unrelated. Yet everyone still had their eyes on me, waiting for my reply. So close to tears i was, and so close to just bursting. A million things were running through my mind and i was tryign to stay calm, making up a list of pros and cons in my head and tryign to assess the situation to try and find some way out or at least some sort of damage control.

Then my brother, who had not said a word until this point looked over at me, and said to me, "you know, they're right. You've always been so scared of trouble. Scared of what people say and always wanting to avoid having to deal with the truth, so you tell people what they want to hear".

Those words echoed in my mind. I didn't want to agree with what he was saying, but i realised that everything he said was 100% true. And it took him to tell me to make me realise.

Theres a show called 'Skins' that focuses of the life of a bunch of teenagers and goes through the issues that each character faces. In the current season, theres a Character called Grace. Of all the characters that have been on the show, she bears the most similarity to me. In her words "...I am, who i need to be". That was her response to someone telling her that she has a fake personality and is a different person around different people. Essentially, her life is my life in that respect. I am who i need to be. I am a different person around different people, and i Mould myself around others and their thoughts and opinions. Never having an opinion or view of my own, but agreeing with others, even if i dont feel the same way they do. Not wanting to cause any friction or trouble. Willing to sacrifice my own freedom of thought in order to avoid conflict and confrontation.

----------------------------

Its odd that the most powerful messages are conveyed to me through my dreams.

---------

I have an appointment with my counsellor on thursday. but im not sure what i want or should talk about. Lately i just have this immense lack of care for everything that is going on. I've just pushed everything aside and just pretended that nothing exists. It seems to be having a positive affect on my mood, but I know that it will all fall back on me again soon.

----

Its 6:11AM and I haven't had much sleep. This post probably makes no sense. Im going to try and go back to sleep.

I just wanted to say hi :-) Sorry i haven't really been replying to comments. I should really try a bit harder.

So the last couple of weeks have been really good. I got to go home and see my parents and my siblings. Honestly even though i didnt really do anything, it was probably the happiest i've been for a while. You know the feeling, where nothing else really matters, and you just get to enjoy life without having to worry about anything else. Not having to worry about work. Not having to worry about uni. Not having to worry about friends or what other people think. I got to be with the people who really matter to me. My family.

But then it got me thinking. Why was i so happy? Im not really sure how to explain it, but its like im living double lives. When im with my parents, nothing else matters. I feel like i live in my own little bubble world. Just mum and dad and i. The two most important people in my life. Its like i didnt need anyone else or anything else. I'd block out every other externality, and the only thing that mattered was the interactions between ourselves. I felt totally secure. It was like a completely controlled environment. Sure, while the feeling was good, i began wondering whether this was healthy. I can't live in isolation from everything and everyone else.

Which brings me to my other 'life'. The external life. Life in the real world. Where i must deal with consequences of my actions, interact with people other than myself and my family, and face the uncertain and volatile environment around me. In this world, i have very little control over what happens. I think its this aspect of 'control' that scares me. Im unable to determine what will happen to me. Im afraid of not fitting in. I try to avoid confrontation and conflict, and i try to just blend in. Im afraid of what others will think of me. This is the real world. Not an isolated bubble world from before. The world in which my parents and family dont exist. The world in which i must forge myself in, in order to survive.

And its just too much for me. I dont think i can handle the real world.

I have absolutely no idea whether anything i've said actualy made any sense at all.

----

I need to make another appointment with my counsellor. I made a second appointment a few weeks ago but she was sick and couldn't make it. So as it stands, i've only been to that first initial session. Hopefully next time, we'll make some progress and maybe i'll be able to let her in on my secret and why its eating away at me.

I saw a counsellor yesterday. The whole morning I was so nervous. I kept thinking about what I was supposed to say and what I wanted to start with. I began to think that maybe seeing a counsellor wasn't such a good idea and was tempted to cancel my appointment. I was up early that morning because i couldn't sleep. I showered got dressed and walked to the bus stop. The closer i got to uni, where the counsellor was based, the more anxious i got.

When i spoke to the receptionist over the phone to make the appointment a few days ago, she asked me if i wanted to see a male or female counsellor. I wasn't expecting that question and I didn't really know how to respond so I just said whoever was available. So she said she'd book me in with Sheldon. A male name im guessing.

The night before I was having thoughts about how maybe a male counsellor wasn't such a good idea. I've never been comfortable being around other guys. So as the time drew nearer to the appointment, I got fidgety and my heart was pounding away in my chest. Fortunately I was greeted by a nice lady instead of 'Sheldon' who introduced herself and said she would be my counsellor.

We went in the room and i sat on the chair clutching my bag in my lap. She introduced herself, and went through some administrative stuff. She said anythign that was said was confidential and remained between her and me. Except for if i was suicidal or could potentially hurt myself or others, then she would have to report me. She also took the bag off me and asked me to relax.

So she started by asking me how i was feeling. Simple question really. But i couldn't answer her. I told her that i wasn't sure why i was there. I said that it was a mistake and i shouldn't have come. I explained that my doctor had recommended that i see a counsellor months ago but i kept putting it off. I also said that I was only there because some friends had said that i needed to see someone. She understood.

I asked her to imagine a cube. If she could imagine life as a cube. And using that cube, you'd be able to examine each side of the cube, until the entire cube had been looked over. I then explained that my life was NOT a cube. But rather a sphere. Where there are no sides except one. And that there is no single starting point and that every aspect of my life is so intwined that everything just melds together as one.

She asked me how i thought about being here. I answered that i felt that by cominng to a counselling session that I am admitting to having problems. Admitting defeat. That i was too weak and useless to deal with my own problems by myself. I told her that i felt especially vulnerable. We sat for a while in silence. She explained to me that this was NOT the case at all. That everyone needs someone to talk to. Seeing a counsellor doesn't mean that I am weak. It means that I have the strength and courage to seek someone, and to not bottle everything up. She admitted that even she sees a counsellor too.

She asked me if there are any pressing issues at this very moment. I thought for a while, and then not being able to really think of anything, I introduced her to a few people. EV, Charlie, EV's sister Kay and Charlies sister. I explained that today was Kay's 21st birthday. But I didn't want to go even though she had invited me. I didn't want to go because I didn't want to see EV or K. I didn't want to talk to them or see them. I told her i felt really bad about it.

I explained that EV had told Kay something about me that was highly personal, and that kay had told charlies sister who then told charlie. And then i was confronted by charlie. I never told the counsellor what the secret was though. I talked about charlie and EV. About how we all went to school together. How i felt betrayed and that i have major trust issues with EV. I told the counsellor about an incident in highschool which took me several years to get over.I talked about how i was from a small town and that if this secret got out, it could be very damaging for me.

She asked me what i was afraid of. I said i was afraid of being alone. of losing the people i care about. I told her about how i've had to restart in life so many times. That i felt like it wasn't worth trying anymore. That i had no joy or happiness in life. She put on a serious face and asked me if i had ever had suicidal thoughts.

I told her yes. Which is true. I told her i have them nearly every day. She became concerned and questioned me further. I told her that i always wished that everything would just come to an end. That i'd get hit by a car or something. Or i'd get really really sick and not wake up. She then asked me if i had thought about ways of which i could end my life. I was a little bit stunned. I had never thought of it before. I had never thought about the ways in which i could end my life. All i ever thought about was how good it would be if i just dissappeared. I told her that i didn't have to courage to act on it.

She let me in on a secret and said that she's happy for me, because its not that i dont have the courage. Its that theres a part of me that still really wants to live. A part of me deep down that knows that things could be so much better and that is what is keeping me from taking my own life.

We talked about my family. Talked about my family background and family dynamics. During this part i was very emotional and I am embarrassed to admit it, but i got a bit teary. We were already over time, but she never told me to stop.

She mentioned 'intergenerational trauma' and that not only was i carrying my own burden, but i was also carrying the burden of my parents and my family.

I told her i felt trapped, and that i had nowhere to go. Couldn't go back, couldn't look forward.

She said that my story was nothing ordinary at all. She said i was an intelligent person, who even though may not be able to put it into words, that i could sense things and feel it inside.

She then asked me to come back again next time and that she really wants to help me out on my journey. She said that she wanted to talk about my hopes and dreams and aspirations.

-----------------

I hadn't eaten at all that day, and i was getting really hungry. So i messaged hayden if he wanted to catch up for lunch since he was at uni. He msged back saying that he was busy. I was still clearly upset from the things i talked about with the counsellor, so i didn't end up getting anything to eat because i didn't feel in the mood to eat anymore.

I sat in the library before i got a phone call. You know who you are. Thanks so much for being there for me.

-----------------

Charlie, my sister and myself were going out to dinner, and we somehow stopped by a fancy looking restaurant. One we knew we were never going to be able to afford. We never had any intentions to go there, but we were waiting outside for some reason. The waiter greeted us out at the door and tried to usher us in. I told him we were alright. He asked if he could at least offer us something. So i asked for some water. He asked if i'd like some ice. I said no, just water.

Unlike other dreams, i couldn't remember the dialogue at all. It was like i just sat back and watched everything happened in MUTE. The waiter came back, and dropped a tub of water on the floor and walked away. I knew this waiter, he was a guy I had hooked up with a long while back. Something happened and my sister got upset. Charlie was aggrevated and got up and confronted the waiter. A brawl broke out. I couldn't understand anythign taht was going on. I walked up and asked a waitress what was going on. She wouldn't tell me. She refused to tell me, until I screamed at her. WHen she spoke to me, i couldn't understand what she was saying. But i picked up the following:

- something about 'ice'
- something about 'chicken'
- 10 newcomers to the establishment every month
- 3 bodies discarded
- a warning that I need to at all cost avoid "Gotham", a big fellow, dresses in black gear and has multiple tatoos.
- something about hosing down

Gotham walked into the restaurant, and the waitress frantically told me i had to go. I grabbed my sister and charlie, and told them we needed to leave immediately. The followed me out but so did the waitress. My sister then accidentally dropped her hand bag, where her wallet ID, and other cards fell out onto the ground. We frantically tried to pick everythign up, and i noticed that the waitress was also helping us, but she kept a few cards and put them in her pocket. I called her out and told her to hand it back over. I told her i'd call the police and tell them EVERYTHING if she didn't comply.

Gotham walked out to see what the commotion was about. Everythign went black. I woke up, trembling and sweating like crazy.

------------------------

So.... those thigns that i couldn't understand in the dream, i decided to google them, to see if they had some sort of hidden meaning.

- 'ice' slang for methamphetamines and also a term used to refer to the conspired murder or killing of someone

- 'chicken' another slang term for Methamphetamine

- 10 newcomers to the establishment: the restaurant was actually a cover for a drug operation, with at least 10 new 'customers' every week. Apparently we innocently discovered the operation, by not dining, and asking for 'water' with no 'ice'.

- 3 dead bodies. The waitress was telling me about 3 dead bodies. There were three of us - me, charlie and my sister.

- Gotham: the waitress told me that we had to at all cost avoid gotham. Im assuming Gotham was the drug lord. In reference to DC comics, Gotham was the city that Batman resided in. It is described as: a dark and foreboding metropolis rife with crime, grime, corruption, and a deep-seated sense of urban decay in the parts of the city not rejuvenated post-No Man's Land. Take this description, and describe a person with it, and you get Gotham, the drug lord.

- Hosing down: slang term referring to murder or kill someone in such a manner that the victim is dead or unable to walk away.

- Waitress taking my sisters cards as form of id: she was in on this operation as well, she couldn't let us get away, seeing as we now knew what really went on. She needed some way to find us, and my sisters dropped cards was how they were going to find us.

-----------------

Now i ask - what the FUCKING hell is wrong with me? Why am i dreaming up all these crazy things? Ice, chicken, hosing down, ??? I mean, i dont even know what the fuck methamphetamines are!! I'm the most unknowledgeable person when it comes to 'drugs'. I dont know any terms/slang or drug references so how these terms popped into my head i have no idea. There must be a reason why the people in the dream were in the dream. Why wasn't Hayden in this dream? Why was it Charlie and my sister? Why is everyone always out to get me in my dreamscape? Why do i keep dying?

I dont know what goes on in my head. Its like all my dreams are puzzles with hidden messages and clues and loaded with a heap of metaphors. My dreams have no bearing with what happens in reality.

And no, i didn't just watch a crime/drug related movie or tv show.

Last night.....I came out to a friend from highschool. His names Charlie.

I was put on the spot. I didnt' know what to do. I didnt know what to say.
So conversation pretty much went like "Charlie: Hi, Me: Hey hows it going, Charlie: Yeah pretty good. Look we need to have a serious talk, because I will be quite upset if what im going to confirm with you is true or not."

From just that sentence my heart skipped a beat. I KNEW already what he was going to ask me. How did he know? Why did he know? And what would he think?

Charlie: I'll be upset, not if its true or not, but because you felt you couldn't tell me, thinking that i would mind, when in fact i would be happy for you. Now tell me the truth, because my sister tells me something that I should have heard first hand and been happy for you. Forgive the bluntness and dont take this the wrong way if its not true, but she tells me that you admit to being openly gay and if its true, then im happy for you and a little disappointed that you didnt tell me first hand and suprised. Suprised because I really didn't see it coming.

At this point, I have mixed emotions. I dont know whether I should be glad that as a friend, he fully supported me, and did not judge me for who i am, or whether i should be fearful, or angry, annoyed.

I reacted in a defensive manner. I didn't answer his question. Instead i interrogated him on his source of information. Turns out that he heard from his sister, which heard from the sister of a friend, EV, who apparently got the information from EV herself.

At NO stage watsoever, have i EVER mentioned or told EV about myself. So it came to me as a complete shock.

Me: Charlie, you do realise that you're putting me on the spot atm. I mean, its like I could tell you either way right now, but the thing is, you've already heard the second hand information from people to whom i've apparently 'openly admitted' to. So does it matter at all what i tell you now?

Charlie: I could dance around it, but then I dont want to make it into a big deal when its not that big of a deal to me. well if one person had just told me I wouldnt give it any credit, but when apparently and supposedly its info passed down a chain as fact, I take it with a bit more salt. but if its not true, then I will believe you, and you have my word.

Me:ok well... tell me something. what kind of a friend do you see me as?

Charlie: A dear old friend

Me: And as a dear old friend, you would know that anything you tell me that you would wish to remain as confidential, and only for me to know of,... you know that i would never breach that trust?

Charlie:
yes I would. I would entrust that our almost decade of friendship would ensure that

Me: Well apparently friendship doesn't necessarily mean trust. As i've jsut found out.

Me: i've known you for like 10 years. and you're probably the closest friend i have from highschool, so i want to ask you of something

Charlie:
ask away old friend

Me: whatever is said in this conversation, do you give me your word that you'll keep between just you and me

Charlie:
on the 10 years of friendship you have my word
may they all be for naught and ash if I do otherwise

Me: firstly, i want to apologise. im so sorry. im not sorry that i didnt' say or tell you, but sorry that you had to hear it from these other people. truth is, i had never admitted to being 'openly gay' and right now, im in shock, and disbelief, that something i had told someone a long time ago, in confidence that he'd keep it confidential, has obviously been leaked, and now it has become some form of stupid game of chinese whispers. to be brutally blunt - i dont know what to tell you. i guess i'll say im 'questioning' myself

Charlie:
bi curious?

Me: well i guess you could say that

Charlie:
well ok then im glad its out in the open between us

Me:
i never told you, because i haven't even been able to accept it in myself yet. So you can imagine how i feel about telling other people when i can't even tell myself.
its not because i didnt want to tell you, believe me

Charlie:
I would have thought you would trust me to be ok with it regardless if you yourself werent. I know I call things gay and make "gay" refrences, but its a word ingrained to mean "stupid" or "dumb", more than to mean homosexuality and does not reflect my true feelings on the subject, which is one of total indifference and acceptance
If you are a bi curious, than I am fine with that and I can only hope that when you settle on a side, or simply choose the middle, that someone no matter who or what gender they may be, makes you happy. because as your friend, that is my concern as a friend for you: that you are happy

Me: thanks for understanding. i appreciate it greatly, and i am so grateful for your friendship and support

Charlie:
I would expect the same for any of my friends, only right and proper to do the same
and even more so for my oldest friends

--------------------------

Im not upset that Charlie now knows. Im not upset or regret that i came out to him. What i am upset and confused about is how EV found out, and why she felt that she could so easily share this information with other people. I mean, she has NEVER even tried to talk to me about the issue. I feel so disrespected, and honestly i dont know if i want to talk to her or see her.

EV and I have a long history. A history with major ups and downs. I have HUGE trust issues with her, as a result of something that she did to me in the past. For 2 years, i couldn't stand to look at her, see her or even talk to her. For 2 years i ignored her and tried to cut her out of my life. It took me 2 years to finally come around and be in a position to be able to communicate with her again. I thought since highschool, since we both formed a closer bond since that incident, that i could trust her again. It has taken me almost 7 years to be comfortable being around her again. And now im not so sure anymore.

I dont know where she heard it from, but even if she did hear rumours, i am just so shocked as to why she didn't have the decency to even just ask me about it, before she went and ranted to other people. I just dont understand. This isn't just some little secret that will blow over with the wind. This is a secret that can and probably will affect someone for the rest of their life. So now, my secret, is apparently floating around, making the rounds.

Apart from my blogger friends, there were only 2 people in the entire world, who i actually told in real life. SN, & LS. Back in highschool. More than 5 years ago. I told them i was bi-curious, under confidence that whatever was said to them was confidential and between ONLY me and them. They gave me their word, and promised me.

I dont know if LS told anyone. But I have a feeling that SN may have told a few people. The only way EV could have known is if SN told her. Afterall, they were going out when I told SN my secret. He PROMISED me.

A few weeks back, I received a FB msg from BC, another friend from highschool which i hadn't seen or heard from for a long time. We had a falling out in highschool. He was apparently bi, and apparently i gave mixed messages. When he acted on those messages, i freaked out. He said he didnt want to have anythign to do with me until i could give him an answer. I never did.

This message from BC, asked me how i was doing and whether i had a BF yet, because apparently i was 'thinking [I] was bi and all...' back in highschool. I questioned him about it, since i had never explicitly admitted or told him any such thing.

Again, that message that i got, was a bit of a surprise. I had never told BC. I had never told EV. But how did these people know? Im going to take a stab and say again, SN - a friend who i thought i could trust.

I dont know. Maybe im making a big deal out of the situation. But what if im not? I grew up in a small town. Small enough that everyone knows everyone else, and word spreads like wildfire. If Charlie has heard, then how many other people have heard?

Heck I haven't even had to courage to tell my family yet, so I'd be physically sick, if this game of chinese whispers comes around to my family members.

All the dreams i've had about being outed. All my fears. It feels as if everythign i've been afraid of has begun.

It's been a while since I was last on here. I know my last few posts haven't exactly been very easy to read or positive, and the few who have read my blog would probably think that I'm a very troubled, deeply depressed, confused and negative person. I guess thats somewhat true to an extent. The thing is though, this blog is usually my last resort, and I come here to spill my guts, to expell the toxins in my life and i guess the blog serves its purpose as a blackhole to which i dump my emotions in. With that said, the reason i guess that a lot of my posts aren't very positive is that when im in a good mood, i dont generally feel the need to come here. With that said, I now have several followers - which is more than what i ever imagined, since from the start, I always thought this blog would remain unread by anyone except for me. To those people, I'd like to say thankyou. Thankyou for being here, and giving me feedback and advice. Thankyou for letting me know im not alone. Thankyou for giving me insights into your own experiences through your own blogs. And a big thankyou to the few bloggers who i've had the honour of being able to talk to one-on-one through IM. You know who you are - once again, thankyou, and i appreciate your friendship.

Since the last time I posted, I guess things have settled down a little bit. I spent my christmas away from my family, and with a friend who I used to live with on campus. Away from my sister. Away from my housemate. Away from my family. Sometimes its just good to get away from everyday life. The ironic thing though, all this time i had away from my usual everyday life, you'd think i'd use it to think through things, about my life, about my circumstances - when in fact, I did no thinking, no self-reflection or anything alone those lines. I dont know if its a good thing or not, but I guess im sort of treating it as a temporary high, where i dont give a damn about anyone or anything. I've just shoved everything to the sides and forgotten about it. Im not particuarly proud of what i've done, but I feel happy. I feel satisfied with the way things are. But all things will come to an end sooner or later. This temporary high will end soon.

I've been spending a great deal of time with Hayden. I'm finding that I'm growing fonder of him everyday and every time i see him. I get excited whenever i hear my txt message tone that alerts me of a new message. I get excited everytime i see him popup on my instant messenger screen or whenever he comments or 'likes' somethign on my facebook profile. A few months ago, when i first met him, i would have never imagined how happy he would make me. But with light, there is always dark. With positive there is always a minus. And in this case, the happier he makes me, the sadder i get. A feeling deep inside me grows and makes me wanting to cut him out of my life altogether. The few months that i've known him, I feel as if I can connect with him so much better than other friends which i've known for years. Theres something about him, but i feel comfortable being around him.

The problem stems from the fact that the more we are together, the craving for something more than just friends grows. I feel that im beginning to cross over that blurry line of friends and something greater. There is a great uncertainty as I am unsure of whether he'll be able to reciprocate my feelings for him. He's been giving so many mixed messages. I jsut dont know what to do. As our friendship progresses, something suddenly struck me - As a whole, this friendship i have with Hayden is beginning to mirror that of my friendship with TN. It started out almost exactly the same way - both complete strangers who sort of just 'met'. The initial breaking the ice and bonding. Spending probably far too much time talking to each other. And then eventually me probably stepping over that blurry perhaps non-existant line and the friendship crumbling. The relationship i have with TN atm is a little shakey. Its on-off. I dont know what things are like through his eyes, but very rarely does he make me feel happy anymore. I'm scared that the same thing will happen with Hayden. This fear and anxiety, pulls me away from the blissful high im on, back into the depths of darkness and despair. I dont know whether i should save myself by gradually removing Hayden from my life, or whether i should just keep going the way things are going. I guess no matter what i do, both paths will probably just lead to the same destination. :-(

I have this intense feeling that I am an extremely ungrateful, selfish and needy person. I crave constant attention and I always need someone there for me. I give the illusion that im an appreciatve, grateful and caring person, but deep down i know that i am not. NOt because im not, but because I dont know how to. Sometimes everything feels like an act. I have no substance. I feel that i have no moral substance. What is right or wrong i determine from what others have told me what is right or wrong. I feel like i'm missing something. I feel like i should know within myself these sorts of things. I like to think that i am empathetic, but truth is, i dont think i have that capacity. Apathy is so easily disguised as empathy in my mind.

For the time being, I can say that im somewhat emotionally stable and that im doing pretty well. After all, i am on a blissful temporary high.

Through time, i hope i'll be able to peel back the dead outer layers of myself and expose the real me inside. I hope to be able to find substance within myself. Only then will i truly understand myself and the world around me.


------

I've been having a few recurring dreams lately.
Imagine a rocky cliff on the coastline, with waves battering the rock wall constantly, and the turbulent water below. I'm in the water, being thrown up against the rocks, trying to claw my way out, and then being sucked into the ocean again. The rocks are slippery. The process repeats itself over and over again.

I'm walking along a dirt track. There's noone else with me. As i walk, i notice that theres a large bear, sitting with its back turned to me on the side of the road. I look over, and it turns around, locks eyes with me, and then leaps forward and attacks me. There is a car nearby, with a door on either side open. I jump into the car through one door, in an attempt to escape the bear. But the bear comes through the other side. So i jump out, run around and try to close the door the bear came through to lock it into the car. But jsut as i close that door, the bear escapes through the door i came out of. So i get back into the car through the door i just closed. The process repeats itself over and over again.

---------


<3 Ron.

--------

To all my followers. I hope you all have a safe and happy new year.

So... I kinda lost it tonight. It started off with petty little argument with my sister. and then it escalated from there. I called home, but only to get dad, so i thought i would talk to him about it. but he just said some nasty things that really hurt.

Then my sister walked into my room demanding that I tell her what i was talking about and to whom. I told her to go away and leave me alone. But i broke down so bad. I just started bawling my eyes out and couldnt stop. she kept asking me what the person on the phone had said to me to make me this way. I told her to go away.

Then mum rang. And i had to answer. And i just cried and bawled my eyes out to her. I could barely talk. All i could hear was mum telling me that it was ok and that i need to stop crying.

It was that bad, i was hyperventilating, my limbs were going numb and i almost blacked out. It took mum 2 hours to calm me down.

Why is it that mums always have such a great ability make sense of everything and to make things alright again? I'm seeing clear once again.

After that, i went out with Hayden because i needed to get away for a bit. I really like him.

And now my chest, and insides and everything hurts from crying so much...

I feel so fucking burdened. Like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I feel like a last resort for every fucking thing. I fucking hate being the backbone and having to hold everything together. Why does everyone else have a backup? Why am i their backup? Why do I have to be one they fall to when things go wrong? What about me? Who do I fall to? Where do i go in times where i feel i can't go on anymore?

I dont want to answer my phone or emails anymore. Beause i know that these communications are defnitely not to ask me how im doing or anything like that. They're demands - help me do this, help me do that etc etc....

Fark life is so difficult. sometimes i dont think its worth it, since im not really living my own life. I'm living other peoples lives for them.