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I saw a counsellor yesterday. The whole morning I was so nervous. I kept thinking about what I was supposed to say and what I wanted to start with. I began to think that maybe seeing a counsellor wasn't such a good idea and was tempted to cancel my appointment. I was up early that morning because i couldn't sleep. I showered got dressed and walked to the bus stop. The closer i got to uni, where the counsellor was based, the more anxious i got.

When i spoke to the receptionist over the phone to make the appointment a few days ago, she asked me if i wanted to see a male or female counsellor. I wasn't expecting that question and I didn't really know how to respond so I just said whoever was available. So she said she'd book me in with Sheldon. A male name im guessing.

The night before I was having thoughts about how maybe a male counsellor wasn't such a good idea. I've never been comfortable being around other guys. So as the time drew nearer to the appointment, I got fidgety and my heart was pounding away in my chest. Fortunately I was greeted by a nice lady instead of 'Sheldon' who introduced herself and said she would be my counsellor.

We went in the room and i sat on the chair clutching my bag in my lap. She introduced herself, and went through some administrative stuff. She said anythign that was said was confidential and remained between her and me. Except for if i was suicidal or could potentially hurt myself or others, then she would have to report me. She also took the bag off me and asked me to relax.

So she started by asking me how i was feeling. Simple question really. But i couldn't answer her. I told her that i wasn't sure why i was there. I said that it was a mistake and i shouldn't have come. I explained that my doctor had recommended that i see a counsellor months ago but i kept putting it off. I also said that I was only there because some friends had said that i needed to see someone. She understood.

I asked her to imagine a cube. If she could imagine life as a cube. And using that cube, you'd be able to examine each side of the cube, until the entire cube had been looked over. I then explained that my life was NOT a cube. But rather a sphere. Where there are no sides except one. And that there is no single starting point and that every aspect of my life is so intwined that everything just melds together as one.

She asked me how i thought about being here. I answered that i felt that by cominng to a counselling session that I am admitting to having problems. Admitting defeat. That i was too weak and useless to deal with my own problems by myself. I told her that i felt especially vulnerable. We sat for a while in silence. She explained to me that this was NOT the case at all. That everyone needs someone to talk to. Seeing a counsellor doesn't mean that I am weak. It means that I have the strength and courage to seek someone, and to not bottle everything up. She admitted that even she sees a counsellor too.

She asked me if there are any pressing issues at this very moment. I thought for a while, and then not being able to really think of anything, I introduced her to a few people. EV, Charlie, EV's sister Kay and Charlies sister. I explained that today was Kay's 21st birthday. But I didn't want to go even though she had invited me. I didn't want to go because I didn't want to see EV or K. I didn't want to talk to them or see them. I told her i felt really bad about it.

I explained that EV had told Kay something about me that was highly personal, and that kay had told charlies sister who then told charlie. And then i was confronted by charlie. I never told the counsellor what the secret was though. I talked about charlie and EV. About how we all went to school together. How i felt betrayed and that i have major trust issues with EV. I told the counsellor about an incident in highschool which took me several years to get over.I talked about how i was from a small town and that if this secret got out, it could be very damaging for me.

She asked me what i was afraid of. I said i was afraid of being alone. of losing the people i care about. I told her about how i've had to restart in life so many times. That i felt like it wasn't worth trying anymore. That i had no joy or happiness in life. She put on a serious face and asked me if i had ever had suicidal thoughts.

I told her yes. Which is true. I told her i have them nearly every day. She became concerned and questioned me further. I told her that i always wished that everything would just come to an end. That i'd get hit by a car or something. Or i'd get really really sick and not wake up. She then asked me if i had thought about ways of which i could end my life. I was a little bit stunned. I had never thought of it before. I had never thought about the ways in which i could end my life. All i ever thought about was how good it would be if i just dissappeared. I told her that i didn't have to courage to act on it.

She let me in on a secret and said that she's happy for me, because its not that i dont have the courage. Its that theres a part of me that still really wants to live. A part of me deep down that knows that things could be so much better and that is what is keeping me from taking my own life.

We talked about my family. Talked about my family background and family dynamics. During this part i was very emotional and I am embarrassed to admit it, but i got a bit teary. We were already over time, but she never told me to stop.

She mentioned 'intergenerational trauma' and that not only was i carrying my own burden, but i was also carrying the burden of my parents and my family.

I told her i felt trapped, and that i had nowhere to go. Couldn't go back, couldn't look forward.

She said that my story was nothing ordinary at all. She said i was an intelligent person, who even though may not be able to put it into words, that i could sense things and feel it inside.

She then asked me to come back again next time and that she really wants to help me out on my journey. She said that she wanted to talk about my hopes and dreams and aspirations.

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I hadn't eaten at all that day, and i was getting really hungry. So i messaged hayden if he wanted to catch up for lunch since he was at uni. He msged back saying that he was busy. I was still clearly upset from the things i talked about with the counsellor, so i didn't end up getting anything to eat because i didn't feel in the mood to eat anymore.

I sat in the library before i got a phone call. You know who you are. Thanks so much for being there for me.

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