Empty Spaces

no not really.

Havent been on here for a while. For many reasons. For none at all. Partly because coming on here means that more often than not i will have a problem or an issue. I dont want to have a problem or an issue so i stopped coming here hoping that said problem or issue will just dissappear. And if it doesn't dissappear, i'll just pretend that i never had a problem or issue in the first place. Because if i just hide it inside and pretend it doesnt exist, then it doesnt exist right?

A lot of things have happened since the last time i wrote a proper post. Many things have changed. Some for the better some for the worse. The things around me have changed and my circumstances have changed. Yet the feeling within me is more or less the same. The void and the darkness is still there.

This existence still feels empty and pointless. I try too hard to find meaning in my life. What if life doesn't actually have a meaning at all?

So...
1) Graduated
2) Meltdown
3) Lost
4) Relocated
5) Disconnected
6) Reconnected
7) Confusion
8) Frustration
9) Depression

Thats life so far.




---------------

Light1

So.. life and stuff right, not much has really happened yet at the same time theres been quite a bit happening. I've been so busy lately that i haven't really had time to write about any of these things.

Where to begin...

I've been working a whole lot lately. Im only a casual employee with no real set hours and im usually on call, but for nearly the past three months i've been working pretty much 38 hour weeks in addition to still having classes at uni. My shifts have been pretty sporadic, and a lot of them are split between the day. For example i'd have a 4 or 5 hour shift early in the morning (6am etc) and then i'd have another shift later that afternoon/night from about 5pm to 11pm and I wont usually get home until midnight, where i'd then have to get back up again early in the morning to start my morning shift again. The routine is really quite arduous and as a result i barely have to do anything else. Sometimes i dont really even have time to eat. Go to work, come back home, sleep for a few hours, get back up to do my night shift, get home, sleep, wakeup, go back to work for my morning shift, and repeat. 6 days a week.

At work I've kind of assumed the role of second in charge of my department, and as a result my workload is pretty big and the whole time im there im running around like a mad man trying to get everythign done. My job is pretty physically intensive, lifting lots of pretty heavey crates and stuff. There are times when i actually think im doing more than the department manager himself. I pretty much am trained to be able to run the department, so if my manager left tomorrow, I'd be able to take over. Speaking of 'taking over' theres somethign that I'm also going to mention but maybe a bit later in the post.

In the store i work at, there are several different departments, and out of the 7 departments, i've worked in 6 of them, and 3 on a regular basis. I get shifts from all 3 departments which means my work schedule is really full on. I hardly get time to go out, see friends etc anymore.

Work has been my escape from life pretty much. I use it as a way to forget about everything that is going on. I've been so busy with work in fact that I haven't seen my counsellors since the last time i wrote about it. I've been on and off with my meds. I know its not good but i just really can't stand having to be on drugs all the time.

Work has also become my social life. I go to work especially in the hopes that i'll get to see nick. being in different departments from him now, i dont really get that much of a chance to talk to him anymore but getting to see him once or twice a week makes me happy. The time i've known him i've learnt so much from him. I really like him and he knows that i like him. There are a few other colleages that i've become close to too. One of them is this really cute gay boy. We'll call him Jake.

The first shift Jake ever worked, the moment i saw him, i just had this feeling that he might be gay. I got to know him a bit more, and we talked a bit, but he never told me he was gay. It was weird because he had told Nick and another colleague, which we'll call Sal. I was talking to Sal and Nick and they both said Jake had said he was gay. But i decided I'd ask him for myself because i'd rather hear it from him. So when we were alone, i asked him, and he told me he was, and asked if i was bothered by his homosexualness. I told him i was fine with it.

He then proceeded to tell Sal later that i had asked him if he was gay, and insinuated to Sal that perhaps i was gay too and that i liked him. Sal told me this afterwork. in a way i was kind of annoyed because now he had planted this seed in sal's head, which would make her start questioning whether or not i was gay.

During my absence from their departmnet, Sal and nick had become quite close and were spending more time together. I guess i was a little jealous in a way because I felt like i was missing out being with nick. And whenever i was with them, sal was always there so i felt a bit like the third wheel. The situation was a little bit awkward.

One morning Jake and I were alone, and i dont know what i was thinking, but i came out to him. He wasn't all too surprised, and told me he was actually just waiting to see if i would actually tell him anytime soon. I told him to keep it hush because noone else knew, except for nick.

Jake is so bad at keeping secrets tho, because the other day, Jake sal and i were in the staff room and jake brought up a previous conversation that him and I had, which made it sooo extremely obvious to Sal. I just went quiet and tried to divert the covnersation elsewhere. After that, when we were alone i asked him why he had to make it so obvious to Sal, when i had told him that noone else knew and that i didnt want anyone else to know. His reply was "oh i thought she knew already!?". >.<

In a way he had already planted the seed in Sal's head, and now he's unintentionally let it slip. I knew that Sal probably already knew so that night i ended up telling sal too. So now i've officially come out to 3 people, nick, sal and jake.

Jake keeps asking me why im so afraid of having people know, and that i should embrace it and be happy, but somethign this personal to me, i just feel like its not something to just through around openly like he does. Hes a lot more accepting of himself, probably more so then i am. I tend to keep personal issues closely guarded and only really tell people i've gained an understanding and trusting relationship with.

Why did i tell jake then? stupid of me, but it was because i kind of had a bit of a crush on him, and thought that maybe because he was gay as well that perhaps it would be good to have a gay friend IRL. We've still got to work on things between us two.

Now back to that work thing before that i said i would mention. I had my palm read and although i dont usually believe in horoscopes and fortunes etc, this reading that i got really did make me think twice.

"your life line is long and prominent.however your patience signature has been tried many times. something is troubling you, but you will overcome it in time. in the very near future, you will have an opportunity to rearrange your schedule. make a wise choice, and your time spent will be worthwhile."

It seemed so perfectly fitting to my life.

At the time, i was unsure of what the last part really meant. An opportunity to rearrange your schedule. That was until the other day my store manager offered me a management contract. He wanted me to become the department manager of my department. As a result of this contract, i would have guaranteed hours, and no more of those horrid split shifts anymore. I would simply be working 6am to 2pm 6 days a week. No more late nights.

I thought about this offer, and i talked to a few people about it, but in the end, i turned it down. my reasons were:
- greater responsibility
- less flexibility
- with the change in schedule, i wont see nick anymore. or sal or jake.
- a lower pay then what im currently already getting working my sporadic schedule.

In a way, some might say it could have been an irrational decision because i based the decision mainly on the fact that i wouldn't get to see nick anymore. But at this time, i just feel like i've made the right decision.

--------------------------------------------

In other news, i've also started being a bit more social. Hanging out more with my friends. Lately we've been attempting to all meet up as a group at least once every 2 weeks. Even if its just for dinner, or a movie or something.

Last night we went out bar hopping/clubbing. And while at a club dancing, i saw this reallly cute guy dancing with only another male friend of his. Im always usually really shy and avoid eyecontact, but last night was different. I stared at him. And he saw me staring at him, and we both kept exchanging glances. We both kind of danced around each other and we'd occasionally bump and touch each other. It was a really weird feeling, because i just wanted him so bad. Like i just wanted to touch him, and make out with him. The whole night i kept looking at him and dancing with him, while at the same time trying to remain discreet so my friends wouldn't realise.

I also kind of saw that perhaps my friends wouldn't mind so much if i ever told them i was gay. Its kind of a running joke now that me and hayden are lovers. we held hands and hugged each other a few times that night, and one time my friends even pushed our faces together and made us kiss. one of them remarked that we were a cute couple. lol.

but i dont know. things could be that way atm just because they probably all see it as a joke, and maybe they would change the way they see me if i did actually tell them i was gay.

----------------

so yeah... thats life so far. its been a bit of a rollercoaster ride. Some highs and some lows.

i'll try and make more time to keep my journal updated.

btw guys thanks for the comments. sorry if i dont reply back. doesn't mean i dont appreciate them. Im just a bit busy thats all..

<3 much love.

I have a friend, who we'll call Hayden. I met him a few months ago, at a university society event. While there, we did the meet and greet thing, and then as usual, we all dissapated into our usual comfort groups. So after I introduced myself and we had an obligatory 'breaking the ice', we both wondered off, me to my comfort group, and him to another random group. Im not sure he knew anyone though, because he was an international student, who had only been in Australia for less than 2 weeks. For the rest of the night, I didnt really have much contact with him.

At the end of the night, most people were pairing up and leaving, with the majority of them taking the same form of transportation. It sucked beecause most of the people lived in an opposite direction to where i lived, so that meant i would be commuting home by myself. That was until i noticed Hayden. He was standing there by himself, im assuming hoping that someone else was travelling his way. It looked highly unlikely as by now almost all the people had left. I walked up to him and asked him where he was going. And to my surprise, his station was the station before mine. So i offered to take the train with him.

It was a short ride, but before we got off, we exchanged numbers. After that though, i never heard from him again, and he never replied to my text message. I was slightly dissappointed. A few weeks later, I walked onto a bus, on my way to a get together with an old friend from college. As i walked towards the back of the bus, i noticed from the corner of my eye, some random guy looking at me. I didn't think much of it. I turned into the window and stared out. But i could see his reflection, in the window - he was staring at me. It was a little creepy. Then he got up, walked towards me, and taps me on the shoulder, and asks me if we've met before.

To my surprise, it was Hayden. He told me that he had lost his phone and didn't have my number anymore. So we exchanged details again, and had a quick chat, before he got off at the next stop. Since then, we've been hanging out a bit, more so now that its university holidays. I really like him a lot. He's a really nice guy, and for some reason, he's insane enough to come walking around the city aimlessly with me. We also went for a random midnight drive, with no desitnation or purpose in mind. Noone else has ever wanted to do anything spontaneous and random with me.

I guess i dont feel as lonely as I used to be anymore. But heres the problem:

Whenever anyone takes an interest in me, I just fall for that person. Its hard to explain, but its like I want to be more than just friends with that person. Sometimes im afraid that I'll overstep the line of being just friends. Im afraid that I might become too clingy and too needy. Im afraid that I'm unsure of whether i truly like this person for himself, or whether I only like him because of the attention he's shown me. I dont know what to do. What makes things worse is that in the back of my head, Im secretly hoping that he likes guys too.

He confuses me. On his FB profile, he is in a relationship with another guy. but he is interested in women. I asked him about this profile, and he said that the relationship status was only a joke. He also added "i'm not gay if thats what you're wondering". Yes thats exactly what i was wondering....too bad i said, because "it wouldn't have mattered to me whether you were or you weren't".

A few nights ago, I messaged him, saything that I was really bored and wanted to get out of here, even if it meant i got wet from the rain. (its been raining heaps recently). A few nights later, i got a text message from him, pretty much saying the same thing - that he was really bored and wanted to do something, even if he got wet by the rain. So.....right?? what am i supposed to think of that?

We went on a random drive two nights ago, and we ended up on a lookout over the city. Problem was, it was a saturday night. and the only people who were on that lookout at that time, were couples. Smooching away at each other. Awkward. He was the first to mention it - "dude, we look like a gay couple". I kind of just chuckled a bit, and said "right.. in that case, you stay here, and i'll go over there". But he followed me.

I mentioned that it did feel a bit awkward, and that now i was getting a bit paranoid. Im not sure why, but he chipped in with "oh I'm NOT gay by the way". After admiring the view for a little while, he mentioned that he was a bit cold, and i said yeah it is a bit chilly. He then followed with "I dont need you to warm me up btw" jokingly. Right....

I have a horrible gaydar. its like it was an optional extra when i was being made, that i never got. Im not sure if he's tryign to throw hints at me or whether im just misinterpreting his actions. But whatever he's doing, its really confusing me.

I want to hang out with him, because i feel happy when i do, but when im with him, im afraid that i want something more out of it. :( why can't i just be normal and be contempt with being just friends. I dont know how to be just a friend :-((. Because of this, I dont want to be around him. But then it makes me sad because i dont like being alone.

-----------------------------

I feel empty. I feel like nothing is real. I smile for the sake of smiling. I laugh for the sake of laughing. Im emotionally dead. There is nothign i really truly feel happy about. Most of the times, happiness is simply the absence of sadness.

I feel like a zombie because of my lack of emotions. What i also lack is my own opinions. For some reason, i take everythign for granted, and dont have my own views or convictions on anything. Its so hard to say, and i feel horrible for saying so, but it could be because i dont care enough for anything to have any opinions or convictions about things. Why do i have a lack of caring? I feel like a robot.

I need to see someone about my problems.

So after an agonizing wait of almost a year, i've managed to find myself a part time job. Should i be embarrassed that I was jumping around in joy when i found out i've now got a position at a supermarket? lolz.

I guess now thats one less thing i have to worry about and get depressed over. I hate that word. Depressed, depressing, depression.. Maybe i should call it Super massive big hunk of yellowy happiness. So whenever i feel sad or down or watever, I'll picture this instead...



----

A few notes i jotted down in my notebook:

1) When you're feeling lonely, go out there and give of yourself during this lonely time. Giving yourself will let you contribute to a greater cause and will allow you to know more about yourself!

2) Be at peace with your loneliness. Take the time to reflect on your positives. If there aren't any, create some.

3) Society is a good scapegoat, but all these issues are yours to deal with - you decide how the world is, and then react against it, without questioning whether you were right in the first place. A lot of issues you think up could all be non-issues.

-------

Today is like the most beautiful day EVER. Not a cloud in the sky and even better, its HEAPS windy. I like windy days, because it makes me feel like i'm flying through the sky. Free.

Its a pity that i'll be stuck in doors doing uni work. by myself. urgh..

I'm sorry. Sorry for getting everyone worried.

Things have been tough for me lately. My whole life felt like it was crumbling. My non-existent social life, not having someone who i could really connect with, a longing for a soul mate, things turning a bit sour with my housemates, my financial situation, my job hunting, my poor academics, general depression and the effect its having on my health. As a result of depression, I've been having chronic insomnia, hypertension, tiredness and lack of energy, eating issues and loss of appetite, headaches, lack of focus and spurts of restlessness.

The depression I think stems from my very bleak view of life. A sense of hopelessness and worthlessness. I keep imagining my future - working in a job that i probably wont like, and doing the whole 8-4 thing, acting happy and confident, pretending i have friends while really i don't have anyone i can connect with or am close to. And then i picture myself doing that for the rest of my life. Being LONELY for the rest of my life. And so i have this craving, an obcession even, to find a soul mate. Someone who understands me. Someone who i can trust. Someone who i can understand and trust. Right now I don't have ANYONE (in real life as opposed to cyberspace) who I can really talk to. I don't have anything in common with any of my real life friends and I just find that I just can't connect with them. We can go out and do things, but at the end of the day, people end up clinging to those who they share a common bond with, so i usually end up by myself. My longing to find someone i could connect with was part of the reason for my sort of obcession with TN. But I know nothings ever going to happen because he gives me hope that some sort of decent friendship would ever happen, and then he takes it all back again. It makes me feel that I'm not worthy to be with anyone. To be anyones friend. AM i really that bad of a person that he doesn't want anything to do with me? It's lead to me doubting myself all the time. Thinking that I'm not good enough. That I'm worthless.I have confidence issues. MAJOR confidence issues.

My job hunting isn't going very well either. I'm supposed to be graduating from uni at the end of the year. I've applied for every internship and graduate position that I've known of and day after day all i get is a rejection email. Not even a personal one, but a mass emailed rejection. And the only other time that I thought i had any sort of a chance, I was called up on the last hour, of the very last day, and told that although i scored highly in the interview, that i scored highly in the group excercise, that i scored highly in the individual test, that ultimately, my degree type was the wrong one for them and that they can't see a position for me. I was the last person that they called that week. They said i was a tough one to decided. But still in the end, it was another rejection. The HR manager mentioned that the other supervisors noticed that i wasn't as outgoing as the other candidates.

What gets me down is that because of my confidence issues, I'm not a very outgoing person. I don't do well in large group settings. And a lot of these job interviews you really have to be confident and sell yourself. Do you see a dilemma here? I have such low self esteem, self-worth and confidence that I just can't do this. I just can't talk about how good I am, and how much of an asset i'd be to the company if I don't personally believe that myself. I've had a bit of a pessimistic attitude recently and no matter how hard i try, i can't seem to shake it off. I can't seem to see myself for what im worth.

Another aspect about the rejections i've been getting have been partly because of my poor academics. Every semester i tell myself this is going to be my best one. But it goes downhill everytime. I've really got noone to blame but myself. I don't spend nearly enough time studying, and when I do I can't focus. My mind wanders, and I keep bringing up things, like how i wish i had someone with me. During the week, I look forward to the weekends, thinking that this weekend i'll be doing something fun with my friends. Only to find out that either everyone is busy, they don't' feel like it or on some occassions have already planned something and not invited me. So i crawl back into my bed and spend my weekend depressed in my room. I've lost all motivation to study. I don't look forward to anything anymore. I don't look forward to my weekends, because to me,weekends=depressed. Yet i don't look forward to the week either, because during the week I'm at uni, alone. I see people at uni, sitting and chatting with friends. Out on the grass having fun. In the food courts having lunch as a group. People studying together. I wish i had that. I really do. It really kills me inside that I've got noone who does the same degree as me that i can study with. Noone who i can hang out with at uni whenever i have my breaks. I spend my days at uni either in class or in the library by myself. Some days I go the entire day without speaking to anyone. All the while i should be studying, I have these thoughts running through my head, and any attempt to learn is futile, as nothing stays in my head. I end up wasting away my days and not learning anything. Just yesterday I failed an exam. it was worth 45%. It makes me sad knowing that once, i was getting High Distinctions and Distinctions and now I'm barely scraping a pass.

At home, things aren't any better. My sister and my other housemate have been a bit sour towards me. I've been doing some irrational things. I don't have a job atm, so I'm living off whatever my parents are giving me. I don't come from a wealthy family. I wouldn't even say we were middle class. We're just getting by. With what money my parents give me, I usually help out with the bills and groceries, while my sister who studies and works, pays for the biggest expense, rent. A few days ago I had an argument with my sister about my financial situation. Mum had called her up and apparently told my sister that she was doing it tough trying to make enough money to support me. My sister got annoyed that mum was telling her this instead of calling me up and telling me. She said I was lazy and needed to get a job, and that mum should stop giving me money since they're doing it tough at home as well. After the phone call I asked my sister what was said and she got angry with me, and told me that I need to stop being a lazy prick and contribute. For me to get a job. I explained to her that I have tried. Many times and not had any success. But she didn't believe me. ANd this is when my other housemate came in and supported my sister, telling me that I'm only making excuses and that If other uni students can find a job, then so can I and that I needed to pull my head out. After that argument, I felt so bad. I was angry that noone believed my attempts at find work, noone supported me. I had noone there for me. They also told me that i needed to stop wasting money on things of no importance - referring to how i had spent some money on a camera, and on my wii. But you know what? I bought those things to keep me sane. To keep myself from having all these depressive thoughts. To take me out of my miser for a little while so I can have some sort of peace of mind. And those irrational things i've been doing - cleaning the house excessively, spending far too much time in the kitchen cooking/cleaning. Again i do those things to take my mind off other issues. But they don't know that. My housemates don't know what I'm going through. They don't know i have depression, and that even when i say i'm gong to bed, i don't end up sleeping until almost morning. They don't know that i'm not straight, and they say a lot of things that upset me greatly. They don't understand how lonely i am. I have no friends. Both my sister and my housemate have partners. They do things together as couples all the time. Movies, restuarants, going out to the city etc. And in the meantime, i watch on as they all have joy in their lives. They all have someone to cuddle, to be with, to talk to. I have noone. I sit in my room and cry.

I feel so bad that i have to hide my sexuality from everyone. I can't go out and make friends because it's somethign thats always in my mind. I don't know what they'd think of me if they knew the truth. I can't go out and make friends with other people like me, because then I'd raise suspicion. I feel so trapped. I so scared that my family will find out. I don't have the courage to tell them. I don't think they will take it well. I don't want to lose them. If i lose my family, i have NOONE. I'm afraid of how people will judge me if they knew the truth. I'm afraid that the group of 'friends' i have now will think I had lied to them the whole time. I'm afraid of how my family will judge me. I'm afraid that if i did come out to them, that later down the track I find out that that's really not what I wanted. It's a big commitment and right now I don't feel like i can commit. I've got too much to lose, but at the same time, I really DON'T have anything to lose at all. I still haven't accepted myself yet.

All these thoughts, feelings and emotions have made me depressed so much that I'm physically suffering. I have chronic insomnia and no matter how tired I am, i just can't get to sleep. It sounds so silly but I end up crying most nights. I can never wake up feeling refreshed. I've had to go out and buy a blood pressure monitor just so i can try to control my hypertension. The last reading i took was 158/99 with a pulse rate of 132. My doctor knows im suffering from hypertension and insomnia, but refuses to give me medication because he thinks im too young to be taking medication for hypertension and he doesn't want to get me addicted to sleeping tablets, especially after i ended up in hospital once from the tablets he gave me. My general lack of energy is also leading to easting disorders. I end up eating at odd times, losing my appetite a lot even when im starving. And when i do eat, i end up either vomiting or feeling really bloated and uncomfortable. It doesn't help my appetite either when my housemates are both health junkies and eat things like wholegrains, brown rice, wholemeal pasta, soy milk etc which i just CAN'T learn to like. These things they buy aren't usually cheap so I feel like i just have to go with what they're eating other wise if i get my own set of groceries, our bill is just going to skyrocket not to mention the waste of food if i don't finish eating what i bought since neither of them touch the things i would buy. So many days, I don't eat. I don't have breakfast. I don't have lunch. Sometimes when I'm at uni, i'll buy something from the refect, but still, I lose my appetite and don't really feel like eating anything. Then by the time i get home my stomach would be growling and i'd be feeling quite weak. When i make dinner, my housemates don't eat because they believe my food is 'unhealthy'. So i have to let them make dinner, and since they're health junkies they'd make somethign that is completely unappealing to me, and because of my appetite problems, i'd only end up having a few bites, and feeling hungry for the rest of the night. I end up drinking far too much to offset my lack of eating. The tap water in our unit is really foul tasting so I usually buy bottled water or juice, or those flavoured waters. Despite all this, i still find myself gaining weight! Since the start of 2009, i've gained almost 5kgs!! My sister has scolded me so many times telling me that I should stop eating crap. I told her that the problem wasn't because i ate 'crap' (crap refers to normal milk, butter, white bread, normal pasta, meat etc) but because i didn't EAT in the first place. I told her that there's nothing in the pantry that I feel like eating. She then got annoyed at me and told me that if I don't want to eat that stuff then i should just go out and buy my own food. But I can't, because if i did, we'd spend way too much money, and having two sets of food in the house just isn't economical, especially since her and my other housemate won't eat anything i make. It just doesn't make sense. So I told her that because of their lifestyle, I felt that i've had to compromised my own diet in order to be able to not run into financial problems. My sister got angry with me and said that Im using her and my housemate as scapegoats and that any health problems arising are my own fault. This really upsets me because thats not what i intended at all.

Although she's my sister, I'm emotionally distant from her. In fact, i'm not close to anyone in my family at all. I feel i can't talk to anyone about anything. I've got two younger brothers. My younger brother (not the youngest) is a bit of a rebel, and has always been difficult at home. He does what he feels like, despite my parents rejections. He forges his own path regardless of the others around him. Whereas I tended to be far too obedient. :-( i wish i had the strength and courage of my brother. But theres a reason why I am the way I am. When i was a child, my dad had always favoured my rebel brother. My dad accused me of being a bastard child that my mum had from an affair. He said i was a dumb and stupid child - i couldn't talk until i was 3, and anythign that was given to me, toys etc, i would end up breaking them apart. So he just stopped buying me things. I recall when i was about 4 or 5, he bought my brother a rather expensive remote control car. For me all he got was a small matchbox car. He would take my brother and they'd go and play with the remote control car, while i stayed behind. I was only a child then, but I was so upset, and felt so unloved. Eventually i realised that I was able to get more of my dads attention if I obeyed his every command, and did everythign he asked of me. It was only when he realised that he didn't have 100% control over my brother that he started giving me attention. If i wanted to go out somewhere, and he said no, that was the final answer. I just didn't go out. If i wanted something and he didn't approve of it, that was the final answer. I obeyed every word he said as if he were some sort of God. Because i knew that unless i did, I wouldn't get any of his attention or love. My other siblings have repeatedly told me that i'm the 'favourite' child in the family and that I get anything that i want. But they have no idea what i've had to go through. They have no idea what i've had to sacrifice for things to be this way. And my parents don't seem to understand that giving me material posccessions does not necessarily equate to love. Even to this day, my dad uses me as a reason for his 'suffering' - how him and mum have to do hard labour every day so that they can support me. Would it not hurt anyone to be told that they are a burden? So now that we've established that among my other problems, I'm also a burden. My youngest brother has had it easy his whole life. He's never had to step up and take charge of anything. He's always had everything he wanted handed down to him. The other day my sister asked him who he looks up to, and he replied that he looks up to my rebel brother. She asked him why and why doesn't he look up to me, as i'm a good role model since i'm intelligent, kind, obedient and that im at uni. He told her that he doesn't see me as a role model because im a 'fag' and that im 'uncool', 'nerdy' and a 'sissy'. That really really hurt me like nothing before. I felt as if I had been stabbed in the heart multiple times and left to bleed. Did he not realise how much I sacrificed in the past taking care of him while my parents were at work, having to skip school to look after him. I tried to give him the upbringing that my parents never gave me. And this is what i get for everything i've done for him. It only reaffirms to me who worthless i really am, and what my family would think of me.

Taking everything into considering, it's no suprise that i've actually contemplated suicide so many times. I've thought about how fragile life really is and how it could be ended so easily. How my suffering could be instantaneously erased. But then I think about how absurd suidcide was, and that all my problems and issues are all so petty. That they were all insignificant. There are people in this world, fighting, struggling, doing all they can to survive. And here i am rubbing it all in their faces by even thinking of taking my own life.

I'm really mentally unstable. I get swayed so easily by little things that happen. I take everything far too personally and literally. My mind is unsteady.

The last few days, I've been so depressed, anxious and stressed out about everything. So much that its manifested into my dreams. I keep having recurrent dreams about the same issue. Two dreams that were especially provoking included one in which i had a massive argument with my sister, and ended up losing it (im usually very calm and very non-violent) and smashing a whole heap of things. She then went and told my mum that i had completely lost it. I tried to explain the situation to mum, and how i've been depressed and how i've come so close to attempting suicide. But she laughed at me and told me that I need to harden up and that if im really that weak that i want to kill myself, then go right ahead. She didn't even offer me any support at all. I was so gutted that i grabbed the knife and stabbed myself in the chest several times in front of her, in front of my sister and my entire family. I really thought this was the end and that i wouldn't have to suffer any more. And then I woke up.

In the other dream, i dreamt i was back at home. I was in my room when my family walked in. They all stood there looking at me, with faces of despair, horror and disgust. I saw my little brother at the door, smirking at me, almost laughing, and pointing his finger at me. My dad, red faced and all, came to me and asked me if i was gay. I asked him would it really matter so much to him if i was? I never answered his question but he immediate broke into tears. NOT ONCE in my life have i ever seen him cry. He was angry and distraught and yelled at me, and told me that he never wanted to have anything to do with me ever again. He didn't want to see me, he didn't want me there in his house. I was so shocked i started crying. I saw mum crying too so i asked her for her support. I told her i needed her, and that It wasn't my fault that i was this way. It was just who i am and that i couldn't change who i was. Instead of being there for me, she screamed out me. She told me she didn't love me, and that they all hated me and wanted me gone. I cried so hard, that i woke up panting with tears rolling down my face.

I'm afraid of going to sleep. Im scared that i have to relive these moments all over again in my dreams.



------------

Im so sorry I got you guys worried - BaS, Ron, Ben. I've just been really down recently. I'm slightly better now that i've got my assignments and exams out of the way. When i did my last post, i had an argument with my sister, and i also learnt about what my little brother thought of me. I just couldn't handle it anymore so i broke down.

So here I am. Laying in bed, with my laptop. It's 10:32pm right now and many times have I said to myself that I really should start sleeping earlier and getting my sleeping patterns right again, but time after time, I'm left in the same situation. I lay here, in an attempt to doze off into a peaceful slumber, yet in my head, thoughts run rampant, emotions flow and the chemistry in my brain goes into overload. I can't seem to switch it off.

I can't exactly tell you what goes on in my head because there are just way too many things I'd have to describe and a lot of these thoughts come and go or are simply just too complex to try and explain. Whatever is happening in my head isn't really just in my head. The mind and body are one, and can't really be separated. The thoughts in my mind evoke emotions which creates chemistry within my body. Certain thoughts evoke sadness or lack of joy - your body responds to how you act, think or feel. Body responses such as headaches, restlessness, insomnia, hypertension etc. I know that these are the result of poor emotional health.

For the next few days, I'm really trying to keep mentally and emotionally sound. I know I need to be on top of my game because I've got quite a few assessment pieces coming up. However I always seem to have breakdowns in periods that i just can't afford for it to happen. I can't think straight, I can't focus on the task at hand and my mind wanders and brings up anything it can to see me fall. I fall and I can't get back up. I lose any sense of reality and I fall into a dream world. A fantasy world. Where I end up hoping for something better, hoping for a change. Imagining how things would be if I were something different. Everything would play out perfectly and all's well that'll end well. I become a recluse into my dream world and forget about whats going on around me, in the real world - imagining how things would be, and hoping for change. Yet none of these things ever permeate into reality, because I'm too far into my state of illusion to realise the truth that nothing will ever be done, nothing will ever change unless I make it change.

I'm not a believe of fate - that my destiny is pre-written and i'm simply following a path. But in that respect, my destiny is pretty much written, albeit with pieces missing from the puzzle. I'm so far into my fantasy world that I've lost touch with myself. In my mind I've got most of the aspects of my life pre-written in my head. The expectations I have for myself, what my future looks like, what type of person I'll become, the expectations that others have for me. I'm looking down a tunnel, and at the end, I see a projection of my future. The future that I've created for myself. My fantasy world. My eyes focus on nothing but that light at the end of the tunnel, and I lose all peripheral vision - of reality. What's going on around me. The current state. I have lost focus of reality and follow blindly into the illusion that is the end of the tunnel. I forget that without first going through the tunnel that the end will never come. That if i focus my eyes only on the light at the end, I will be blind to whats around me.

But then everything is sunny again. It doesn't matter does it? Why complain when everything is fine? Right? When business is booming, we let little things slide right? Nothing makes any sense but everything is all right. It's only a big deal if we make it a big deal. Suddenly mountains become molehills and the sun radiates its heat and light onto the earth and everything is joyous. As soon as it came though, it can dissappear just as quickly. The shadows pull me back and I'm encased in darkness again, and penetrated by the emptiness. I have a map leading to nowhere and a compass that doesn't point. I see others rise above me. In comparison, I am insignificant. I see those around me clearly. But they soon fade away. I fade away.

When the storm has passed, I look back and see the destruction. Without questioning, I take whats left for granted and convince myself that there was nothing that could have been done. I show my acceptance for the situation. This default mechanism makes sure that guilt or regret is hidden away behind an invisible veil. And I'm left peering back behind me, wondering what could have happened if something had been done.

-------------------------------------------------------------

I wasn't going to write anything about it, but I'm really left wondering. Yesterday was RiverFire. 30 mintues of non-stop fireworks, along the Brisbane river. It's a big event for most people. I've missed out 2 years in a row. I wanted to go this time.

I found out from someone else that JW, a friend from college was going. But he was going with his 'posse'. I thought he was a pretty good friend, but perhaps i've become invisible. I never got an invite. It wasn't as if the people he was going with were complete strangers. I guess i could say that I'm 'friends' with all of them too - that is to say I know them all. It makes me wonder how much of a friend they see in me if I'm always left out. Same thing happened when we went to see Inception. I'm never told about anything that happens. I feel unwelcome.

During the afternoon, I asked a few other people if they wanted to go, all of which replied with a no. So i asked TN. At first I thought about calling him, but then decided against that and asked over MSN. I was hoping that he'd come out with me, but it was a straight up NO. No excuse or reason either. Just a No. After questioning him jokingly, he answers with 'couldn't be bothered. its too far out'

Feeling a little down at the time, I figured there wasn't any point going anymore especially if its just by myself.

Later on in the night, TN contacts me on MSN telling me how cool RiverFire was. I was puzzled to say the least, as he had told me he wasn't going. Not only did he go, but he had driven pretty much around Brisbane, and stopped off through my suburb as well.

I was so insulted.

Am i really that bad of a person to be with? Is there something inherently wrong with me?

Sometimes when I'm frustrated and angry, I become artificially cheerful and happy, and excessively nice. So for about an hour or so, i chatted to him on MSN pretending to give a damn about what he got up to that night.

I dont even know why i still talk to him. I just cant seem to bring myself around to blocking him. Or anyone for that matter. Since a while back, I don't initiate conversations with him. It's always been him starting up the conversation. But he'd never continue the conversation and I'd have to carry it most of the times. And even then, he'd reply at will.

I dont like to admit it, but secretly i really don't have any friends. I live a pretty joy-less life and not really having anyone makes things worse. I know quite a few people, but i don't have anything in common with anyone it seems and I always have a sense of being the third wheel and not belonging.

I guess my constant ups and downs usually revolve around this issue and my longing to have someone i can connect with.

I come to this blog whenever I feel alone. It sort of keeps me sane, but after a while its like talking to a rock. It can never really talk back.

I've also contemplated shutting it down, because I don't think it's really working out the way I wanted it to. I feel as if by keeping it up, it's very existence causes me to not deal with my issues, but divert them here instead. It's like i'm running away from the real world to this internet world. I'm not really sure what i should really do though.

It's been an hour and a half since i started writing this. This post was like a rollercoaster ride. Ups and downs and all sorts of emotions. I guess my blog has sort of fulfilled one of its objectives - for me to be able to brain dump. And seeing as i've done that, i might go and try to get some sleep. At least now i wont have so much running through my mind.

It's only just hit me, but I'm now in week 6 of my last semester at uni. And in the next few weeks, im going to have a ton of assessments piled on top of me.

3 exams, a presentation, a report, and 4 online quizzes. Plus all the regular tutorial work.

And to be honest, I haven't started any of it.

At at the start of semester, you always think - "I'm behind by a little bit, but thats okay, because its only the first/second week of semester. I'll catch up." but then the weeks go by and the uni work starts piling. and then comes the realisation that something eventually needs to be done.

Right now im at that point in the semester where I've got most of my assessments due, and I really have no more time to put it off.

I've decided that I'm going to be staying at uni everyday until the library closes (8pm) so that i can actually get some work done. At home, i never seem to get anything done. I'm easily distracted. I procrastinate far too much. I even procrastinate my procrastination.

Today was kind of awkward. I had class at 8am this morning, and i had set my alarm for 6. but for some stupid reason, my alarm volume had reset itself to the lowest setting, and I kind of slept through it. So i missed my class. Then I rocked up at uni 2 hours too early, because I thought it was Thursday and was going off my Thursday timetable. so now im sitting in the library procrastinating. Might have to do some work soon.

Oh and my laptop is still making horrible sounds. It sounds like an electrical problem in the circuitry somewhere. Its a high pitched squeelling/hissing type of noise. I really need to get it fixed up, but atm, i really can't afford to have it sent out to get fixed.

I'm sitting in the noisiest part of the library so that the noise wont be so obvious, but i can still hear it and its slightly driving me insane.

---

TN is talking to me again. He was being an asshole a few days ago and I probably pissed him off too. But he seems fine again. Im not really gonna take too much notice of him.

---

Oh thanks for the mention BaS. I admire your efforts to post in english :-) Keep it up.

Hmm i'm really not sure what to say, but I think I may have sort of made a new friend.

I went out to a bowling event with a social group I signed up with at uni. There were about 50 or so people who turned up, and out of those people, I really only knew 5 of them. But they knew a lot more people than me, so that night, they sort of forgot about me, and I sat in the booth with my team. My team members all had a buddy they were with so apart from the obligatory introductions, we didn't really talk too much.

I'm risking sounding like a complete pessimist, but I wasn't really having too much fun. Its not that I don't like bowling, or that the other people weren't friendly. It's got a lot to do with myself. Around large groups, I get a bit anxious and I kind of become a bit of a recluse and retreat further back into my shell. I'm so bad with meeting new people and I get really nervous. You could say I'm socially awkward. I've always hated this about myself.

I guess its sort of how I've been brought up. I've never really had a chance to be with people my own age, and the only people I got to meet were adults. But even then, it wasn't 'proper' for me to talk to them unless I had been introduced. So I've always had this thing where unless the other party introduces themselves to me, or I get introduced to them by another person, I'd just sit or stand there in silence.

Its great if the other party introduces themsevles, but most of the time, because I never tend to make the first move, most people would just assume that I'm a snob. Which is completely untrue. And I hate the fact that I'm such a coward sometimes. Whats so hard about introducing yourself right?

So most of the night I put on a pretend face, and try to look happy. I try to be interested in whatever was happening. And when people talked to me I tried to be as social as I could. And then i realized how dull, boring and dry i am. I have no personality watsoever. I have nothing to talk about. After exchanging a few words, most people just went back to their own little group.

Fuck I hate myself sometimes. Why can't I have a little more life? Why can't I be a little more funny? Why am I so serious all the time? Why do i take things so literally and why am I so dry all the time? I wish i could change myself. But i can't seem to no matter how hard i try.

I think i've put out fake smiles and fake laughs so many times during my life now that I don't even know how it feels to be genuinely happy anymore.

When we were leaving though, I noticed that most people had formed groups, who lived in the same area. Like usual, I'm the only one travelling out my way. Until I noticed another guy by himself. So I asked him where he was headed. He lives in the suburb directly beside my suburb and was taking the train. My stop is the next one from his. So i said i'd train it back with him.

We had a bit of a chat and i found out some pretty interesting stuff about him. He's an international student, same age as me, doing his masters. He'd only been here for less than 3 weeks, and came alone. So he has no friends, and doesn't know anyone. At the train station he was going to buy a snack from the vending machines, but the machines didn't accept the coins he had. So i gave him some money. But he seemed a bit shy and reluctant to accept, so I bought it for him instead. He thanked me and then said something along the lines of he'll get me something next time we go out.

:-P did he say 'next time'? Well anyway we swapped phone numbers and he said he'd add me on FB.

He's not gay though i don't think so it'll be nothing more than just friends. But thats okay, because i could really use some friends right about now.

-------------------

Not a lot going on tbh. First week of uni, and my time table is pretty fukd. Too much free time in between classes. But i guess it'll give me time to actually do some study.

I really need to be applying for graduate roles right now. But i'm so sick of getting turned down i don't even know if i should bother anymore. It's disheartening.

My first day at uni today... well i can't really say day because I was only there for 2 hours in the evening. Just as I was at the bus stop about to board my bus, I get a phone call from MK asking me if I wanted to go see Inception tonight with some others. We were meeting up at JN's place which was only like 10mins walk away from uni, so I said yeah and that I'd meet him there. JN is a mutual friend, and I've known him since 2006 since we both lived at college together.

It was a good opportunity to catch up with people, especially those I haven't seen for a while, but I sort of felt dissapointed that I wasn't invited by JN himself, since it was his idea to get together. Instead I was invited by MK who was invited by JN. I don't think JN meant anything by it, but it does make me wonder where i stand, as a friend, if I'm forgotten for something as simple as catchin a movie.

I went on the city cat for the first time in a while as well. It's my FAVOURITE form of public transport. The Brisbane river and surroundings are beautiful at night. What made it even better was that many foudn it too cold to stand out the front so I had the whole front deck to myself. :-P If it weren't for my phobia of doing something stupid in public, i would have raised my arms up and shouted "I'm the king of the world" ala Titanic.

We saw Inception at South Bank and I have to say it was a great movie. It plays with the concept of dreams, and the sub-conscience, and the idea of 'dream sharing'. It's really mind boggling and it does call into play the question of "is this REALLY reality, or is it simply a dream world?". Even before I saw this movie, there have been so many occasions where I've said to myself that I'm living in a dream world, and that one day I'll wake up. Sometimes I've been tempted to do really stupid, sometimes extremely dangerous things because of the little thought in my head that this could be just a figment of my imagination, and that everyone i know and see are just projections. It's that little idea in your head, that grows into something out of control. Hence the title of the movie, "Inception". I'm glad I haven't taken the leap of faith, and done something stupid. Whether its a dream world or not, I do not know, but I'm happy for the good times I've had.

After the movie ended, we all disbanded pretty quickly because we all had to take different routes back home. I have to take the train back, while some others took the city cat, and buses. I got on at South Brisbane station, and took a train to Roma St where I had to transfer onto the Ipswich line to get to my stop. At Roma St, There was a train 2mins before mine, and for some stupid reason, I hopped on that one, which took me back to South Brisbane, WHERE I STARTED FROM, resulting in me missing the last train on the Ipswich line. argh.. >.<

I wasnt quite sure what to do - no more buses, trains or citycat back to where I live. The only other options were walking back, which would have taken at least 2-3 hours, or Taxi. I got a cab back and struck up a convo with the driver and told him about how i missed the last train back. I was surprised because he stopped the meter well before he had reached the destination. He stopped it at $20, but it could have easily gotten to $25 or even $30. I guess it pays to be friendly to cab drivers. Either that or he just felt sorry for my stupid misfortunes.

---

Oh i forgot to mention, if dream sharing were real, i don't think anyone would want to share my dreams. They're so random, crazy, and psychotic. Theres only been a few times where i've been able to control my dreams, (i think i might have posted about one time) and on a few occasions I've had dreams within dreams.

I've always thought I was crazy but I find that I study better in my dreams - call it 'dreamstudy' if you will. For example, say I've read a chapter of a text book, or a sheet of formulas; I can keep going over and over it while awake, but its like nothing sticks. It all goes in, and then goes out and I dont keep anythign in memory. But if i 'dreamstudy' and revise in my dreams, over and over and over, when i wake up, I suddenly know what i've been trying to revise. Its crazy, mental even, but for some odd reason it works - assuming im able to start the dream.

anyway im tired so off to bed.

PPS. i want someone to cuddle. it gets so cold at night and my doona is grossly inadequate.

So i got off my ass and went to uni and got a new student ID card :-)I wanted to keep my old card because i wanted to keep the photo, but they wouldn't let. Even though it had expired :-(

I also had my Go card renewed too! :-) no more $7.80 tickets. ahh the joys of being a student.

I'm at uni atm. In the library using the internet because im bored, and using the internet at uni is soo much more interesting than using it at home.. not. lol. I like the iMacs though. They're cool. too bad they're running windows.

So i texted a friend to see if he wanted to hang out or something, but instead he asked me to help him move his stuff out of his old place into his new one. :-( Not that i mind helping, but he doesn't get back from work until 5.30'ish and so that'd mean after moving, it'll be too late to go see a movie or hang out or whatever, since he has to work tomorrow morning. lol now i kinda wished i hadn't texted him.

I was thinking, your a blog right? So technically your sort of like a diary. So should i start my posts from now on with Dear Diary... hmm maybe Dear Blog. That kind of sounds silly doesn't it?

Im surprised how many people are at uni even though its holidays (outside that is). The library is heaps quiet though.

Seriously, today sucks majorly. I got my uni results back and needless to say I wasn't impressed. But then again my results weren't unexpected, so that made it less of a shock to me. Still, it was a disappointing result. I failed a subject. I really don't know what to do with myself anymore. My graduation date was supposed to be the end of this year, but now I don't think it will be anymore. I can't sit a supplementary exam either, since this subject wasn't exactly a core subject to my degree. Its also only offered in semester 1. :-(

It's so fitting that today is overcast, cold, gray and depressing. Again I'm sitting at home by myself, bored. I checked for flights back home, but they were really quite expensive which made me contemplate not going back at all. I really want to go home though, not that I've got anyone at home to hang out with. I like to drive when I'm bored, or feeling down. It's my way of escaping life. I drive.

I talked to TN last night. I asked him if he wanted to see a movie with me. He declined, and said something about having to work late. Fine. Whatever.

My sister is in Newcastle with her BF. I'm sitting in my room by myself. :'(

I want to go see a movie. But I've got noone to go with. I don't want to go by myself because it'd be weird.

Yesterday I went on a 6km walk because I was so damn bored. I walked pass the car dealerships. I love cars. I thought about going there again today, but I've been there so many times the staff might think I'm weird. I don't want to go walking again today because I've walked the route so many times it gets boring. I walk when im bored or alone. At home i drive.

oh... about movies. I wanted to see Nightmare on Elm street. But noone wants to come with me.

I wish I had a car :-(

hey blog, it's all in my mind yeah? the fact i feel so worthless right now? I got turned down from every single internship/grad position i applied for. These results are probably just another nail in my coffin. Like i mean i can have the most impressive sounding resume, but one look at my academic report and who is going to want to hire me? Noone evidently. Can i blame my emotional problems for my bad grades? Or should i just harden up? :-( Thing is, i know i can do so much better. I can sit there and spruik myself to my employers and tell them about how much potential i have and how good i can be, but if i can't even back it up with solid evidence, why would any employer take me seriously?

I feel like my life is confined to a little tiny box. And i can't break out of it.

:-( there is no life in me.

>.<

:'(

|>_<|

FML

So when you talk to someone online, and you say BRB, and then you come back, is it even worth letting them know your back, if you know that they really don't care?

I wish I'd never met you TN.

I don't want to see anyone. I don't want to talk to anyone. I just want to be by myself. Away from everything. I want to fade away into the night. I want to disappear and never come back.

Fark I hate everything. I just don't see the point of anything anymore. I'm angry. At nothing. At everything. At myself. It's a feeling that i just can't describe in words.

I went all day without talking to anyone.

I hate life at uni. I hate how I have no one to talk to. No one to sit with. Its so boring. I sat by myself on a bench for an hour. Doing nothing. Just sitting there. Absent minded.

After not talking for a day it is hard to start again. My vocal cords have gone into hibernation and aren't ready to awake from their slumber. It's a chore to talk. I wish i was telepathic. Communication by thought.

But its like that most days I'm at uni. I leave home, and for several hours a day I am without a voice. It doesn't really matter because I am a nobody anyway while I'm there.

Had another exam today. I don't think i did very well. I needed 50% to pass my subject, but i doubt i got anywhere close. I have a feeling this semester is going to be extremely dissapointing. I need a break from everything.

I also need to get my student card renewed as it expires on the 1 July so unless i get it renewed, i dont get student concessions anymore.

Life in general has been pretty so-so. Eat, sleep, attempt to study and procrastinate. Thats how its been really.

26 - is the magic number. because thats the date that i finish uni for the semester. I can't wait.

------

i also had another random dream this morning.

I dreamt that i was following someone i knew down a back alley. I lost him so i started to walk back, but then i was confronted by a group of girls, and they thought i was a 'rent boy'.

:-) so it wasn't exactly anything interesting but lol me as a rent boy? :-P maybe one day....

The exam didn't go as well as planned sadly, but predictably. Seriously, I don't know whats wrong with me anymore. My academics has just been going downhill and there's nothing that I can do about it.

I used to be so good at learning. I used to be able to memorize passages from textbooks word for word. But over the years, after all the random thoughts and crap that have been going through my head, after all the physical, mental and emotional strain I've endured, I think I've lost that ability. My short term memory is nothing short of horrendous. You could read me out a few sentences, and apart from the last couple of words, I wouldn't remember the rest.

I don't know whats wrong with me - could it be that my mind is clouded by all my repressed thoughts and feelings over the year? Or is it that my brain is physically degenerating? I don't know, but I have a feeling it could be both. And I'm scared about it, but I'm also afraid to go see anyone about it, in case they think I'm a nutcase.

--------------

I remember back in highschool, when I was around 16'ish. I sort of came out to friend. I didn't really come out all the way, I just told him that I've watched naked guy porn and it didn't turn me off. I think the most explicit thing I said was that I could be maybe bi-curious. He took it well and said that he was there if i ever needed someone to talk to.

He did mention that he has noticed that over the years he's known me, my mental capacity has somewhat been reduced. I've known him since 8th grade, and we were in most of the same classes. So he knows what grades i usually get and my standard and quality of writing, assignments and general school work. I was a straight A student, who could pull an all nighter and still get A's on exams. I was articulate, and fluent in speech and writing. So it came as quite a shock to me (well actually it didn't.. because i knew that my mental state was deteriorating). What surprised me was that i didn't think it was THAT noticeable.

And as a response to my sort-of coming out, he asked if it was my sexuality and confusion about my sexuality that was clouding my mind. I guess it was, but I downplayed it and told him that it wasn't really because of that.

Really though, it was. It was in conjunction with my massive amount of schoolwork, (i undertook 7 subjects, and an external Information Technology certificate) as well as having two part time jobs, and home duties - as well as trying to juggle some form of a social life. Most nights I wouldn't get home from work until 9PM, and wouldn't get to bed until maybe 1am. Then I'd be up at 6am, to repeat everything all over again - School, work, homework, sleep.

I wore myself out so bad. I was physically and mentally exhausted, and I couldn't concentrate in class. It was rather bad, and as a result my grades in maths plummeted from an average of A down to barely a C. In fact the lowest grade I've ever got was a D. This was in stark contrast to my near perfect A average of the previous years, which was of a great concern to my year coordinator. But fortunately my grades for my other 5 subjects didn't suffer too much and i still managed to get mostly A's and B's. Oh and i was the only one out of the group who did the IT course to attain the certificate.

So my academics sort of went downhill - but it wasn't just that. Working everyday after school, at a retail store really made me go mindless. I'd be working on the shop floor, by myself, for hours on end, 'merchandising' or what we would call 'recover'. Basically my duties were to bring stock forward on the shelves to make them look neat, clean, tidy and fully stocked. I also had to pick stock off the ground, put back inventory that customers had put in the wrong place as well as collect inventory that had been damaged or opened by customers.

The first few weeks were okay, but after that, it felt like mindless wandering. I had noone to talk to and the work was so repetitive that while i was doing it, I would forget to think, and my mind would go blank, and everything i do would be purely because i've done it so many times before, that my brain instinctively knows what to do. For 6 months i did this, everyday after school. Time slowed down in my mind. The lack of mental stimulation meant that my brain activity slowed - and as a result whenever doing calculations and such in my head, what would seem like 5 mintues in my head would end up being more like 15 mins in reality. To this day i still suffer from this problem - im slow to react, take too long to come up with something to say, taking too long to work out calculations. Its a terrible thing.

It got to the point where I felt i couldn't do this anymore, and embarrasingly, i almost burst out in tears to the manager, when I told her that i wanted to resign. She asked me why, and I told her that i felt as if nothing was getting done. I wasn't feeling like my efforts were achieving anything. The store was that large that it didn't matter what i did - the moment i finish a section and move onto the next, by the time i'd finish the next section, the first section would be back in the same state it was before as my work was done during opening hours.

The manager was a little suprised and slightly shocked at what I told her, and she reassured me that I was doing an excellent job and that I have been the only junior employee who was managed to go through the entire store in a single shift. And that was the reason why they choose to have me on 5 days a week instead of rostering anyone else for that shift. She asked me to reconsider my resignation and asked if there was anything she could do.

I asked if she could put two other juniors on with me doing the same shift, and whether it would be alright if i just took monday's, wednesdays and fridas instead of all weekedays. She agreed and for a while my situation with work got slightly better. But as a result, of getting tuesdays and thursday's off, i now got rosterd to do an 8 hour sunday shift. It was okay, as I got paid time and a half, but it did severely affect the time i had available for schoolwork and other things.

Oh geez, I don't even know why im talking about things anymore..Im just rambling now.

Right so i guess what i was saying was that my reduced mental capacity and prowess could have been a result of circumstances dating way back to highschool times - overwork, stress, as well as repressed emotions.

I want to do somethign about it, I wish i could, but I just don't know what to do or who to see about it. It really having a major impact on my life. My academics at uni have been horrible, my learning abilities are hampered, my short term memory is appalling and what scares me the most is that i feel that i've become in-articulate (is that even a word?) in both speech and writing. Its like i've suddenly lost my vocabulary and it takes me ages to be able to express my thoughts in writing or in speech, and even then i still can't convey my thoughts in full.

-------

When i was 5 or 6, i had a pretty bad bike accident where i fell off my bike and knocked my head on the bitumen and was knocked out cold. It was stupid that I didn't have a helmet on, but i didn't come from a well off family. My family in the early years struggled to get ends to meet. So there was only 1 helmet to share amongst us kids. We weren't supposed to ride together, it was strictly a one person at a time affair, but i wanted to ride with my brother, so i took a risk.

I still don't remember what happened that day. All i can recall is waking up in the arms of my mum.

So could the head trauma i suffered back then have any affect on me know? Surely not?

I don't know. I might ask my doctor if i could get a CT scan or something done. As I'm worried that if i let it go any longer, it might get worse.

Or am i just overexaggerating this whole situation? Am i just using this as an excuse for performing poorly in my uni work?

I really don't know.

I think I'm gonna puke.

Got my exam in an hour and a half. I haven't really had too much sleep, haven't really eaten anything and now i feel a bit light-headed and nauseous.

I hope it goes well...

Not much has happened in the last few days to be honest. I've just been trying to get back into the mood to do some hardcore study as my exams are coming up fast. To make matters worse, 3 of my exams are worth 70% of my total grade, while the other 55%. Why in hell did the people administering the courses decide that it was a good idea to make the final exam worth 70%? That's just hell stupid imo, and im pretty sure a large portion of people will probably do pretty badly or even fail.

What that means for me is that im going to have keep my head in the books for the next couple of weeks if i want a decent result, let alone a pass.

I've also been pretty crooked the last few days. Im coming down with a cold/flu and its making me feel really groggy and tired and not in any state to be revising. I've been taking cold/flu tablets as well as multivitamins and trying to drink plenty of water. My first exam is on saturday so i really hope i'm feeling better by then.

I also went to uni today to try and get some more revision done, because i get too distracted at home. My god, i've never seen the library so full. Not a single desk was free. I was pretty pissed off because i swear at least 1/3 of the desks were unattended but had other peoples stuff like books, bags, pens etc all over it. Come on people, a little common courtesy please? if you're not going to be at the desk, move your stuff and get out and let someone else use the table. geeez..

our university has like 7 or 8 libraries, and it was pretty much the same situation in all of them. I was about to go back home, but in a last effort attempt, I recalled a room that i was in for the group presentation a week or two ago, that was inside the Business faculty. It was a "collaborative learning centre" for busienss and economics students, but since it was relatively new, and in an awkward location, not many people knew about it, so thats were i headed. SCORE! it was almost completely empty. So i sat in there for about 4 hours before heading home :-)

might go back tomorrow depending on how im feeling.

for now i think i'll get some sleep.

:-P

So the presentation today went averagely (is that even a word?) okay i guess. It almost turned bad though. I was up until 3am in the morning preparing the script for the presentation, making sure that everyones parts linked in and that it all flowed, seeing as we all had written our parts separately without consultation from each other. I had emailed it out to the other group members and let them know that if they wished to make ammendments then they'd have to get the changes to me before 10am the next day.

So then comes 9:50am and im thinking sweet everythign should be fine as i haven't received an email from anyone else so im good to print. 5o pages later (10 double sided pages per script) i have a nice stack of scripts in my hand and im feeling rather chuffed about my hard work the night before.

I get to uni and theres 4 of us, apparently the 5th member doesn't get off work yet. so we do a quick rehearsal and run through and it all goes smoothly. 2 of the members run off to a class before the presetation and the 5th member shows up.

I give her the script and tell her to have a read through it to make sure she's familiar. But when handing it to her, she says "oh i've already got one" which she clearly doesn't. She only had her notes that she emailed me the night before. The other group member tells her that its better if she uses the updated script because things have been change. she agrees

And you know what she does? when it came to her part she completely disregards the script and just says a whole heap of stuff off the top of her head. Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK! she completed screwed everyone over because what she talked about had nothign to do with the issue at hand. And some of the stuff that was supposed to be mentioned later she talked about early and some of the stuff she was supposed to talk about she didn't mention...

i actually had to do a few of her lines that she didn't do as they lead onto a direct question that was going to be asked to another member.

urgghh....i spend all that time doing the stupid script and she thinks shes too good to use it.

Im just so glad that the other members and i were able to go into damage control and somehow talk our way out of the mess she'd gotten us into.


Its over now at least.. wont get the results back until the week after next. hope we did ok.

-----------------------------

On the way to uni this morning, i bumped into my old housemate. I actually haven't seen him for a bit over half a year so i was really glad i met him today. We talked about current issues with uni and whinged about how our exam timetables sucked haha.. it was like old times. We're meeting up for lunch next week so should be good.