Empty Spaces

So this day has reared itself around again, and I'm not sure whether or not I should be happy about it. I guess I should start with the positives first. I am happy for today, because I turn 25, 25 years on this glorious planet, 25 years worth of life experiences, friends and relationships, a roller coaster of emotions, and lastly 25 long gruelling years of self discovery. And yet I keep thinking that I still haven't progressed much further from where I initially started. Sometimes I can't help but think that perhaps it would have been better off If i had not have been born at all.

Now onwards we march towards the negatives, donning our suits of shining armour. Today serves to remind me about how much of a failure I am. It reminds me about how my life has come to a screeching halt with absolutely nowhere else to go. After 25 years I still haven't been able to accept and embrace who I am, and learn to love myself. I'm bound down by the chains and shackles of guilt, shame and obligation. Its hard to watch life go on around me. I see people I've known who are my age partnering up, settling down and having families, some progressing further upwards in their careers, people who are financially independent, people who are free to live their lives.

And I look at that, and blow out the candles on my imaginary cake and wish that I had that. I wish I could accept and embrace who I am. I wish I could learn to love myself and stop with the insecurities and self hatred. I wish I didnt have to hide who I am. I need consolidation and closure. I wish I had a partner who I could love sincerely, give all of myself to, and share my life with. I wish for the opportunity for a career in a field I could enjoy. I wish that I could be more financially responsible. I wish I could break free and start living life.

But we all know wishes aren't real. So for today I'll again be alone. Going about doing the same things I do every other day. Fighting back the tears, wiping my eyes dry, and laying back in bed hoping to get some more rest before I have to get up for the day.