Empty Spaces

I hate my writing style. Its so inconsistent. It's like I go from present tense to past tense, first person to third person all the time. I'm so messed up I can't even write properly anymore.

I read in the MX that some Prime Minister had to have a hole cut in his head to relieve pressure on his brain. I think i need that same operation. Life gives me headaches.

Or so i thought...

I went to pay for something the other day using my credit card (it's actually a debit Mastercard) and for some reason it kept getting declined. I was sure I had money on there, but when I went online to check my balance, I found that the balance was $0.00. My previous balance was around $200. The transaction details and reference weren't recognisable, and also the date of the transaction was suspicious, since that date was the night before my last exam, so I couldn't have gone on a spending spree. The other suspicious thing was that the amount charged to my credit card was the exact amount that was remaining in my balance.

I went to the bank and asked them to check my transactions and to see if they could track down where the money had been charged from. Slightly embarrassing, as ALL of my transactions showed up, including some rather inappropriate ones that I shall not disclose. Anyway the guy at the bank told me it was a PayPal charge.

I go back home, and check my PayPal history.....NOTHING. I hadn't used my PayPal account for over a month. So I call up the bank again, and the representative said that I need to call PayPal directly. She gave me the direct number, so I ring it, and explain to the rep the charges to my card. She was just as confused as I was, as their records didn't indicate anything. So I was referred back to my bank.

I ring up the bank again, and this time I ask the rep to check again to confirm the Charger, and that it was definitely NOT PayPal. She checks, and then tells me that it is indeed NOT PayPal, but a "Direct-Marketing Firm". And that's when it clicked.. DUHHH. A few months ago, my sister asked me to order a skincare product off the net for her. Before I put through the order, I made sure that she understood that it was one of those recurring charge things, where they send you out a new shipment every 3 months and charge your credit card for the amount outstanding, and that she'd have to cancel the membership before the renewal date. She told me that she'll do it, so I assumed that she had.

WRONG...

So now I'm down by about $200.... that money was supposed to be used on my flight back home. Im so annoyed. I suppose I could send it back for a refund when the product arrives, but that'd mean I'll lose another $30 on postage. I think I might just keep it for myself, since I'm kinda running low on skincare products anyway.

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So today, we took my american cousin to Southbank to the modern arts gallery. The main display was the lifelike human sculptures by Ron Mueck. Definitely worth the $10. After that I suggested that we take the CityCat back to my uni, and I'll show him around the campus. But my sister, again in all her bitchiness shot me down and went on about how I was acting all high and mighty just because I go to UQ. She made it out as if I looked down upon all NON-UQ'ers - especially her because she goes to QUT. But thats so not true. She was so belittling and she made me feel as if my opinions didn't matter. My plans were to show my cousin around the UQ campus and then go to the Pizza cafe if it was open. I'm sure my cousin wouldn't have minded, and i think he was actually pretty keen to check out the campus since he told me that he saw some pictures and it looked really nice. But after what my sister said to me, in front of not only him, but also a few other friends and everyone else in that stupid coffee shop, I suddenly lost interest. I just wanted to run away and not come back. Just go and die in a hole somewhere. I might be overreacting, but you know, when you pretty much have no friends, you'd expect that your real life sibling would be there for you. Its the complete opposite. The deeper i crawl into the hole that is loneliness, I would expect that she'd be there to try and pull me out. But the way she treats me makes me want to crawl even further in. She lives life completely oblivious to how im currently feeling. I know I'm probably not best brother, and i may have said things that i shouldnt have said, but I realise that and I do try to be nicer and try and mend things. But its like she doesn't acknowledge this and always tries to shoot down everything i do or say. I feel i can't have a conversation with her without it turning into an argument. Also i feel that i can't talk about anything to anyone, especially not her. I have no close friends to talk to either. It all sucks...

So yeah, where were we? Right so my idea was scrapped and instead we had burgers at "Grilld" in South Bank. I had a kiddy burger because i wasn't hungry. After that we just came home.

And yeah i since we didn't go to my campus, i decided that I'd call up the bank to find out what was up with my credit card. So in the end, it wasn't fraud. Just my stupid sister..This time i'll make sure she cancels that membership while im there.

PS.. i want to move to sydney. the harbour is so much more beautiful than the ugly brisbane river.

I went to Sydney for a few days. It was awesome. Except for her and her bitchy attitude which gave the trip a very sour aftertaste.

Im back in Brissy again and I dont' know what I want to do. Should i stay here? or fly back home? I want to go home. But i also just want to stay here by myself and i dunno, destress, relax, watever.

The title says it all..

Today shall be known as "Happy Day"

But only for today.

So when you talk to someone online, and you say BRB, and then you come back, is it even worth letting them know your back, if you know that they really don't care?

I wish I'd never met you TN.

I don't want to see anyone. I don't want to talk to anyone. I just want to be by myself. Away from everything. I want to fade away into the night. I want to disappear and never come back.

Fark I hate everything. I just don't see the point of anything anymore. I'm angry. At nothing. At everything. At myself. It's a feeling that i just can't describe in words.

I went all day without talking to anyone.

I hate life at uni. I hate how I have no one to talk to. No one to sit with. Its so boring. I sat by myself on a bench for an hour. Doing nothing. Just sitting there. Absent minded.

After not talking for a day it is hard to start again. My vocal cords have gone into hibernation and aren't ready to awake from their slumber. It's a chore to talk. I wish i was telepathic. Communication by thought.

But its like that most days I'm at uni. I leave home, and for several hours a day I am without a voice. It doesn't really matter because I am a nobody anyway while I'm there.

Okay so more procrastination and this is what i've dug up... it almost brought me to tears just reading it :-( I went to a catholic highschool, and every year, we go on a 'retreat' which is sorta like a camp except we dont get to do fun stuff like normal camps. We just sit around talking about things.

The year coordinator said that we were in for a surprise this year - and that surprise was a letter from our parents. :-( except I never got one from my parents. Which is a little bit sad. So instead these were the letters i got instead.





The first letter was from 2 of my mates, the second from 2 of my female friends and the last from my year coordinator. I'd be lying if I said that I didn't get a bit emotional after reading these. All afternoon, i had been wondering where my mates had got to, and whenever I did manage to find them, they'd seem to ignore me, and then just walk away. I sort of had a fight with one of them, so i just thought that he hadn't gotten over it yet.

It was a bit like a punch in the face to learn what was really going on though - although it was a good punch in the face. I wrote a letter back to each of my friends, but I never had the guts to give it to them.

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I also came across these: My pay slips (blurred for anonymity) from my time working during highschool. I worked my two senior years, 2004-2005. It turns out that I made about $10,500 in that time.

:-) and just a random donation book i made, in an attempt to raise money for me to buy a new phone.





Anyway, I've put all my old junk back now. I dont know why i was lookin around there in the first place.

Guess what i came across while procrastinating today:

My silly little diary from highschool back in 2005. I had my friends and class mates sign it at the start of the year. It's really quite interesting reading back on some of these - I'll post some of them on here.

> oh i don't think i've really introduced myself on my blog before so from now I guess I'll be known as "Dan" - why? :-P because its an easy name (that and also its the name of my housemates bf).

1) Hey Dan, you're a great guy, your fun, kind, loving, smart, generous along with many other talents. So don't you ever change because in the past 11 years I have known you, you've been a really loyal friend. And for that I thankyou! <3 Always Zoe

2) Hey Dan, your awesome! your such an honest person and i really like that about you! you were great at that disco! you really got up there and shook your thing :-D <3 Lisa

3) Dan buddy, your a smart kid, and good friend, and don't make the school bankrupt! Shane (in response to me being Treasurer of the Student Representative Council)

4) Dan, you leave an impression on everyone. It's like you rub off a little bit of goodness onto everyone! Seniors '05'! <3 Naomi

5) Hello Dan, I don't even know you that well, but over the past couple of days, you seem like a nice, quiet person and I would like to know you more. <3 always Roselyn

6) Oi dude, thanks for taken care of my girl last night. Your Aiight with me! Braden (Holy shit! I had no idea that he was her BF. :-P i kinda took his girl out on a date)

7) Dan, you are a genuinely nice person with fantastic qualities. Go for it! Peter

8) Dan, your a good bloke who i think has a big future. i wish you the best of luck mate. Brendan

9) To my date :-D Thank you so much for being my date! you were a perfect gentleman. I hope everything you dream of comes true. Set your goals high because you will reach them. Lianna. (:-P my date, who was Bradens GF. Seriously i had no idea they were goin out)

10) Dan! The nicest guy i have ever met! You are so cool and i <3 you this much
<-----------------------------^.^-------------------------------->
hehe your cool! <3 Always Monique XXOO


11) Dan :D you know how much i love you already but im so telling you again! your my favourite!! I love how fun you are and how we are besties! Your so special and smart.. you will go so far in life so never forget me and our awesome times. Love lots hun!! <3 Celly ..Muah

12) I have seen two sides of you. One at school - quiet, and out of school, ready to get involved! I wish for you all god has to offer in your future! Cheryl

13) Hey little buddy, your so sweet caring and sincere. I would love to get to know you better! <3 you Kelly (haha its funny, but i have known you since 1st grade. okay..in your defense though, you moved away a few years later and only just moved back.)

14) Dan, you are an interesting person who can do anything you put your mind to. Remember, you are my friend and I will always be there. You are a true friend and I shall never abandon you, I only ask that you do the same. John*
(reading this one was really touching. he was the first person i came out to. it's really sad because i haven't seen or talked to him for almost 4-5 years. I hope he's doing alright)

15) Hey Dan, your a good, smart bloke and a real chick magnet mate! good luck in the future, peace out! James. (Another sad one to read, because James passed away in 2006)

16) Dan? whats good to say about you? NOTHING!!...


Jokes. lol. Nah man, me and you will take over the world, be rich RICH i tell ya. Best luck in the future <3 ya heaps. your a great guy. But OMG still need to be LOOSER GOOSER!! Ty*

(:-( He was one of my closer friends in highschool. He is bi from what i've been told, and in retrospect, he really did try to open up to me, but he came on a bit too strong and i was really confused back then so i sort of shunned him and we had a falling out. i haven't talked to him since)

17) Dan, how can i start this? Well not to sound too corny but I just want you to know that i look up to you as if you were a brother to me. THanks for everything. Mark*


These were just some of the more memorable ones that my classmates and friends posted. The ones with the * are the ones written by my closer group of friends, and i've changed their names for anonymity.

So from reading back on these, I've gathered that this is generally what people think of me:

- Smart, Intelligent, high achiever
- Nice, caring, friendly, generous, honest
- Quiet

I sit here and wonder, is this how i really want to come across for the rest of my life? People always see me as the 'nice, quiet and friendly' guy. I guess its good in the sense that I get along with everyone, but these traits don't make me an interesting person do they? It doesn't really make me stand out, and in a crowded room, i'd probably dissappear pretty quickly in the sea of more outspoken, more outgoing people. Maybe people will use me, they'll see me as easy, and a pushover.

But i can't help it if thats who i am. :-(

I reckon, if i tried this sort of excercise again, I'd pretty much get the same sort of responses. Its almost as if the whole 'nice, quiet, friendly' response is the default or automatic response because people can't think of anything else to say about me.

Anyway, it was just interesting coming across my old diary. It made me feel happy inside. I might keep this diary, and read it whenever i'm feeling a bit emo.

Want to know what i've been doing while procrastinating?

I've been watching an awesome TV show - Misfits.

It's about a bunch of young offenders who are serving community service when they are caught in a freak storm that somehow gives them strange powers - powers that stem from their own personality.

I just finished the last episode. There's a character that I feel really drawn to. I see a lot of myself within him. His name is Simon - he seems to be an intelligent guy, but shy and somewhat of a social outcast. His interactions with the others are awkward and he feels ignored and unappreciated. Not to mention he doesn't have any friends - apart from the other misfits.

His power is invisibility - although he only turns invisible whenever he feels ignored or alone.

Throughout the series, his character develops quite a lot. You find out so much about him, and honestly i think he's probably the deepest character in the whole series. He seems sweet and humble, yet deprived of true companionship, and somewhat perverted.

But yet im so drawn to him - i feel like i want to reach out and hug him, tell him that everything will be alright and that I'll be his friend.

Maybe it's because I am so much like him. I have always been a bit shy, a bit socially retarded. Although i do have friends, I kind of just float around, and every one assumes that I've got my own close group that i hang out with - but really i don't. When in big groups, I tend to shrink, and become unnoticed.

A comment i received from my last job interview was that I wasn't as 'outgoing' as the other candidates. This is something that i wish i could change. I wish i was more outgoing, i wish i was funnier, and more interesting. I wish i wouldn't take things so literally or seriously all the time.

so yeah...

Hi, I'm Simon. How do you do?

Had another exam today. I don't think i did very well. I needed 50% to pass my subject, but i doubt i got anywhere close. I have a feeling this semester is going to be extremely dissapointing. I need a break from everything.

I also need to get my student card renewed as it expires on the 1 July so unless i get it renewed, i dont get student concessions anymore.

Life in general has been pretty so-so. Eat, sleep, attempt to study and procrastinate. Thats how its been really.

26 - is the magic number. because thats the date that i finish uni for the semester. I can't wait.

------

i also had another random dream this morning.

I dreamt that i was following someone i knew down a back alley. I lost him so i started to walk back, but then i was confronted by a group of girls, and they thought i was a 'rent boy'.

:-) so it wasn't exactly anything interesting but lol me as a rent boy? :-P maybe one day....

The exam didn't go as well as planned sadly, but predictably. Seriously, I don't know whats wrong with me anymore. My academics has just been going downhill and there's nothing that I can do about it.

I used to be so good at learning. I used to be able to memorize passages from textbooks word for word. But over the years, after all the random thoughts and crap that have been going through my head, after all the physical, mental and emotional strain I've endured, I think I've lost that ability. My short term memory is nothing short of horrendous. You could read me out a few sentences, and apart from the last couple of words, I wouldn't remember the rest.

I don't know whats wrong with me - could it be that my mind is clouded by all my repressed thoughts and feelings over the year? Or is it that my brain is physically degenerating? I don't know, but I have a feeling it could be both. And I'm scared about it, but I'm also afraid to go see anyone about it, in case they think I'm a nutcase.

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I remember back in highschool, when I was around 16'ish. I sort of came out to friend. I didn't really come out all the way, I just told him that I've watched naked guy porn and it didn't turn me off. I think the most explicit thing I said was that I could be maybe bi-curious. He took it well and said that he was there if i ever needed someone to talk to.

He did mention that he has noticed that over the years he's known me, my mental capacity has somewhat been reduced. I've known him since 8th grade, and we were in most of the same classes. So he knows what grades i usually get and my standard and quality of writing, assignments and general school work. I was a straight A student, who could pull an all nighter and still get A's on exams. I was articulate, and fluent in speech and writing. So it came as quite a shock to me (well actually it didn't.. because i knew that my mental state was deteriorating). What surprised me was that i didn't think it was THAT noticeable.

And as a response to my sort-of coming out, he asked if it was my sexuality and confusion about my sexuality that was clouding my mind. I guess it was, but I downplayed it and told him that it wasn't really because of that.

Really though, it was. It was in conjunction with my massive amount of schoolwork, (i undertook 7 subjects, and an external Information Technology certificate) as well as having two part time jobs, and home duties - as well as trying to juggle some form of a social life. Most nights I wouldn't get home from work until 9PM, and wouldn't get to bed until maybe 1am. Then I'd be up at 6am, to repeat everything all over again - School, work, homework, sleep.

I wore myself out so bad. I was physically and mentally exhausted, and I couldn't concentrate in class. It was rather bad, and as a result my grades in maths plummeted from an average of A down to barely a C. In fact the lowest grade I've ever got was a D. This was in stark contrast to my near perfect A average of the previous years, which was of a great concern to my year coordinator. But fortunately my grades for my other 5 subjects didn't suffer too much and i still managed to get mostly A's and B's. Oh and i was the only one out of the group who did the IT course to attain the certificate.

So my academics sort of went downhill - but it wasn't just that. Working everyday after school, at a retail store really made me go mindless. I'd be working on the shop floor, by myself, for hours on end, 'merchandising' or what we would call 'recover'. Basically my duties were to bring stock forward on the shelves to make them look neat, clean, tidy and fully stocked. I also had to pick stock off the ground, put back inventory that customers had put in the wrong place as well as collect inventory that had been damaged or opened by customers.

The first few weeks were okay, but after that, it felt like mindless wandering. I had noone to talk to and the work was so repetitive that while i was doing it, I would forget to think, and my mind would go blank, and everything i do would be purely because i've done it so many times before, that my brain instinctively knows what to do. For 6 months i did this, everyday after school. Time slowed down in my mind. The lack of mental stimulation meant that my brain activity slowed - and as a result whenever doing calculations and such in my head, what would seem like 5 mintues in my head would end up being more like 15 mins in reality. To this day i still suffer from this problem - im slow to react, take too long to come up with something to say, taking too long to work out calculations. Its a terrible thing.

It got to the point where I felt i couldn't do this anymore, and embarrasingly, i almost burst out in tears to the manager, when I told her that i wanted to resign. She asked me why, and I told her that i felt as if nothing was getting done. I wasn't feeling like my efforts were achieving anything. The store was that large that it didn't matter what i did - the moment i finish a section and move onto the next, by the time i'd finish the next section, the first section would be back in the same state it was before as my work was done during opening hours.

The manager was a little suprised and slightly shocked at what I told her, and she reassured me that I was doing an excellent job and that I have been the only junior employee who was managed to go through the entire store in a single shift. And that was the reason why they choose to have me on 5 days a week instead of rostering anyone else for that shift. She asked me to reconsider my resignation and asked if there was anything she could do.

I asked if she could put two other juniors on with me doing the same shift, and whether it would be alright if i just took monday's, wednesdays and fridas instead of all weekedays. She agreed and for a while my situation with work got slightly better. But as a result, of getting tuesdays and thursday's off, i now got rosterd to do an 8 hour sunday shift. It was okay, as I got paid time and a half, but it did severely affect the time i had available for schoolwork and other things.

Oh geez, I don't even know why im talking about things anymore..Im just rambling now.

Right so i guess what i was saying was that my reduced mental capacity and prowess could have been a result of circumstances dating way back to highschool times - overwork, stress, as well as repressed emotions.

I want to do somethign about it, I wish i could, but I just don't know what to do or who to see about it. It really having a major impact on my life. My academics at uni have been horrible, my learning abilities are hampered, my short term memory is appalling and what scares me the most is that i feel that i've become in-articulate (is that even a word?) in both speech and writing. Its like i've suddenly lost my vocabulary and it takes me ages to be able to express my thoughts in writing or in speech, and even then i still can't convey my thoughts in full.

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When i was 5 or 6, i had a pretty bad bike accident where i fell off my bike and knocked my head on the bitumen and was knocked out cold. It was stupid that I didn't have a helmet on, but i didn't come from a well off family. My family in the early years struggled to get ends to meet. So there was only 1 helmet to share amongst us kids. We weren't supposed to ride together, it was strictly a one person at a time affair, but i wanted to ride with my brother, so i took a risk.

I still don't remember what happened that day. All i can recall is waking up in the arms of my mum.

So could the head trauma i suffered back then have any affect on me know? Surely not?

I don't know. I might ask my doctor if i could get a CT scan or something done. As I'm worried that if i let it go any longer, it might get worse.

Or am i just overexaggerating this whole situation? Am i just using this as an excuse for performing poorly in my uni work?

I really don't know.

I think I'm gonna puke.

Got my exam in an hour and a half. I haven't really had too much sleep, haven't really eaten anything and now i feel a bit light-headed and nauseous.

I hope it goes well...

Im so annoyed and pissed off right now. Im pissed off at everything. I hate that I'm in a sickly condition, with constant headaches, coughing and sneezing. To make things worse, I've got an exam coming up on Saturday. Then I've also got to arrange flights down to Sydney because I'm going to be meeting up with a cousin from America that I've never met before in my life.

My exam schedule doesn't let me finish until after midday 26th of June. And that's the day that we were supposed to fly down. My sister has been giving me so much crap and she's being a real bitch about things. The plans were that we were going to fly down to Newcastle, where her BF is, on the 26th and then drive to Sydney. I told her that i couldn't do the 26th because firstly i have an exam in the morning and then later I have two of my friends having a joint birthday celebration which i had already agreed to being there weeks in advance. She's keeps saying that I'm being selfish and inconsiderate and that I shouldn't go to the birthday celebration and fly down that night.

OMFG its not like i have a massive social life! I hardly ever get to see my friends and i hardly go out! The one time i get invited to something, you tell me i shouldn't go? grow up! Your not my mother! I can do what i like.

I told her i'd fly down early the next morning, but she kept insisting that i was being difficult. fucking hell you have no idea how pissed off i am.

So i booked her ticket down on the 26th in the morning, and I called up her BF and told him that I was going to take a flight down early Sunday morning, but I had a bit of a dilemma. Flights to newcastle on Sundays only run after midday, so i wont be getting down until after 1. Which was a bit late because they wanted to be in sydney before then. The other option i had was to fly straight to sydney and bypass newcastle and get picked up there. But then he was a little hesitant as he said that the flights to sydney were too pricey. So i asked him what he thought i should do (as i was using his credit card to book these flights) and he didn't really give me a explicit answer but said something along the lines of "well i guess thats your only option".

So i did it, i booked my flight to sydney depsite it being $100 more than the flight my sister took to newcastle. So then i go and talk to my sister and i asked her if he though that he was paying for these flights and if that was the reason he was so adament that the flight to sydney wasn't the best idea. It was only supposed to be question to her, but then she goes and rings her BF and they both get into a shouting match. And then he asks her "Why did you think that?" and then she stupidly says "Because *I* told her so". >.< fucking hell......And then she gets up me.

I'm just so pissed off that she thinks im the bad guy who wants to ruin all her plans. I told her that if im really that much of a burden then i wont even go, and she and him can go meet the cousin themsevles. She calls me a inconsiderate prick, and we exchange unkind words. Im just not mentally or physically in the mood for any of this so i go back into my room. and thats where i am now.

She's pissed off at me because I'm not being flexible, because her BF has to work Tuesday night, and because of me flying down late we'll have less time to do things.

EXCUSE ME? You accuse me of being inflexible where as its okay that HE has to work Tuesday night? Umm im sorry but i gave you my exam schedule weeks ago and told you that I couldn't do ANYTHING until after the 26th. And you go and blame me for screwing up your goddam plans.

God im so sick of her.

All of her friends have partners, and she has a partner herself so she doesnt need to go out much, because her friends are always coming over. They go to dinner, movies, bowling etc and do what coupled people do, you know the grown up stuff. I feel like such a third wheel.

I have like hardly ANY friends, and my social life is about as good as dead. So it really angers me when she tries to take away just any type of social life i have. I can't go anywhere without her asking me for details. And when i tell her that im going to meet up with some friends, she insists i tell her who these friends are.
It frustrates me so much. I shouldn't have to tell her all these details about my personal life. I don't go around quizzing her on her life, so i wish she'd respect that. In this apartment, I have like hardly any privacy at all.

We're always arguing over absolutely everything. The only time im sane is whenever she NOT around or when im with my friends. And to me its like she wants to take away my sanity as well!

Im just so fucking over everything. It's depressing but whenever im in this kind of mood, i always fantasize about sitting on the edge of a cliff or a bridge. Not that I'd jump or anything, but I'd sit there, just to see if anyone would come up and pull me back and tell me that everything is going to be alright. Someone to let me know that I'm not worthless.

I really want someone to hold, and to be there for me - because i feel so alone. Someone who i can tell anything to, and someone who can keep me warm when its cold. This feeling of loneliness is really eating me up inside, and noone knows.

I didn't end up going to uni to study like I had planned. I just wasn't feel that great and figured that it would be best if I stayed at home. After wasting what seemed like a few hours on the internet, I tried to get back into the study routine, but if im being honest, everything i read went in and came right back out.

Ever since i've been sick, (been sick for a few days now) i haven't really been sleeping well, and im always really tired, which makes trying to learn Income Tax Law quite difficult. So I took a bit of a nap to try and rejuvenate myself.

:-)

Yup you guessed it. Another one of my silly dream. But this time, there was a slight point of difference. I was able to CONTROL some aspects of the dream, without me waking up. It also involved an ex-friend (I might have to explain this ex-friend in a later post, as its pretty much its own story as well, but he was in a way a pretty big influence on my sexuality)

So it starts off in a computer lab, with a few of my old highschool mates in class, jsut wasiting time on the computers. At the end of class, announcements are usually made over the speaker system in the buildings, and the names of my friends and myself were called out, and that we had to see the PE teacher after lunch - although not explicitly mentioned, i had a gut feeling it was for detention.

We went about our regular routines during lunch, but somehow we had all completely forgotten and neglected our detention duties. It wasn't until we saw the PE come up to our room that we realised what we had let slip from our memories. He was not happy at all and you could tell from his stance, his facial expressions and the way he walked that we were all gonna get it. My mates all got up in a rush and walked towards him and tried to give him their lame sorry excuses for not showing up.

But for some reason i ran the opposite way and down the stairs, and hid in the toilet block for a while. I was afraid of the wrath that he'd bring down upon us, I was afraid at being yelled at. I've always been a bit of a good guy - always doing as told, never breaking the rules, and generally not much of a deviant, so to get into trouble made me feel really terrible and depressed. So i guess this was probably why it manifested in my dream, i ran from it.

After the realisation that I was only going to get into more trouble for not showing up, I decided that I'll go and apologise to the teacher and take whatever consequences were deemed as fit. I walked down to the multipurpose sports center and sure enough standing at the entrance was the PE teacher. He was a rugged, tall guy, about mid 40's. He seemed to tower over me (especially in dreams right? you know, where when your in trouble, and your gonna cop it, you seem to shrink in comparison to the other person?). "I want to see you in my office!" he scolds.

We walk over to his office and he opens the door for me to enter, and tells me to sit. I walk in, but i don't sit down. He closes the door behind me and before he could say anything i walk over to him and look him in the eyes. (This is the bit that i gain control of my actions).

I tell him that im sorry for not showing up, and whether i could make it up to him in ANY way. Before he says anything, i look in the eyes, look down to his crotch region, and then back at him, smile and give him a wink. And before he has time to reply, i reach out and grab his belt buckle and I begin undoing it.

He mutters what i could just make out as "..this could work".

So there I was, in the PE teachers office, in private, about to get frisky with him. GREAT! Even better when i was in FULL control. I undo his belt, unzip his fly and pull out his semi-hard erection, and i take it into my mouth. It gets a bit more explicit, as he turns me around yanks my shorts down and presses up against my ass. Before i know it, he's fucking me up against his door, and im moaning both in pain and pleasure.

Although it sounds insanely immoral, a teacher fucking his student, a person of age having sex with a minor, I didn't care because it just felt so good. Although it seems a little to masochistic, I felt secure knowing that he had complete control over me, and that he could do whatever he wanted with me.

And then a familiar tune started playing on the speaker system - a distinct bell chime and water drops. A few moments i woke to the sound of my alarm that I had set a while ago to wake me up from my nap.

When i woke up from that dream, it wasn't overcome so much with the emotions and feelings of having sex with my PE Teacher, but it was an intense feeling of regret concerning my ex-friend, lets call him BC. It was an overwhelming feeling that there was something left unsaid between us. Which was probably true, as our friendship ended quite abruptly and neither of us really got to explain ourselves to each other.

But thats a long story so I'll probably tell that story in a later post.

Not much has happened in the last few days to be honest. I've just been trying to get back into the mood to do some hardcore study as my exams are coming up fast. To make matters worse, 3 of my exams are worth 70% of my total grade, while the other 55%. Why in hell did the people administering the courses decide that it was a good idea to make the final exam worth 70%? That's just hell stupid imo, and im pretty sure a large portion of people will probably do pretty badly or even fail.

What that means for me is that im going to have keep my head in the books for the next couple of weeks if i want a decent result, let alone a pass.

I've also been pretty crooked the last few days. Im coming down with a cold/flu and its making me feel really groggy and tired and not in any state to be revising. I've been taking cold/flu tablets as well as multivitamins and trying to drink plenty of water. My first exam is on saturday so i really hope i'm feeling better by then.

I also went to uni today to try and get some more revision done, because i get too distracted at home. My god, i've never seen the library so full. Not a single desk was free. I was pretty pissed off because i swear at least 1/3 of the desks were unattended but had other peoples stuff like books, bags, pens etc all over it. Come on people, a little common courtesy please? if you're not going to be at the desk, move your stuff and get out and let someone else use the table. geeez..

our university has like 7 or 8 libraries, and it was pretty much the same situation in all of them. I was about to go back home, but in a last effort attempt, I recalled a room that i was in for the group presentation a week or two ago, that was inside the Business faculty. It was a "collaborative learning centre" for busienss and economics students, but since it was relatively new, and in an awkward location, not many people knew about it, so thats were i headed. SCORE! it was almost completely empty. So i sat in there for about 4 hours before heading home :-)

might go back tomorrow depending on how im feeling.

for now i think i'll get some sleep.

Oh damn, my mind is at it again.

For some reason unknown to me, I find myself on a small shuttle with only another friend of mine, out in space on our way onto the moon, where a small population has settled, as an experimental moon colony. Why did i agree to such an experiment? Why did i put myself into this situation? Who knows. Maybe i've just had enough of life on earth and wanted to get away from everything.

The Shuttle is quite small, with only room for the pilot, co-pilot and the two passengers - my friend and i. Two big glass windows on either side of the shuttle give us full view of the earth below us and the light from distant stars. I turn around to my friend and smile, and he replies "To a new life", and i affirm this with a nod.

The rest of the trip is pretty silent, but i do wonder why we've been put onto this ageing vessel instead of the much newer and technically advanced delta-winged super airliner that everyone else seems to be in. Oh well, at least we've got some peace and quiet here i think to myself.

It was for the most part, peace and quiet, except for the occasional beeps and buzzes coming from the cockpit, which the co-pilot explains to me that random vortexs and electromagnetic interferences in space trip off sensors - these interferences are what they call "traps" and the dangers of these traps are that they can put the shuttle off course by messing around with the computer navigation coordinates.

Was i afraid of what could happen? Hardly. I don't care where we end up in space, as long as its not back on earth. A few long hours later we finally dock. From the terminal, i see in the distance, the super airliner coming in for landing, and my god it was spectacular. The beauty and grace of such a machine, with its beautifully crafted delta wings. Almost kind of like a graceful swan.

A new world, a new beginning - yet something didn't quite feel right. We had heard rumors back on earth about how the people on the moon had had their souls sucked out of them, brainwashed, and were nothing more than automatons, used as experimental guinea pigs. I never believed it, until now. While in the air ports, we saw people around, yet there was no noise. no chatter, no conversation. People just went about doing what they do quietly. They really were like zombies.

A shuttle bus picked us up from the terminal and we were transported from the airport to our community centre, where we were greeted by our two authoritarian supervisors. There was no greeting at all. They were straight to the point about everything. Every word that came out of their mouths was dry, humourless, succinct and rather in my view, ...RUDE. just plain rude. perhaps the earth people were right about these moon colonists.

Ground rules were set and several requirements were given:
1) We both must have our hair trimmed to no greather than a number 3 length.
2) Hair must be bleached and dyed red
3) Electronic biometric chips must be installed into the back of our necks.

Stupidly i asked if i could just wear a red bandanna instead of dyeing my hair, because you know, having black hair, bleach turns it into a really disgusting orange colour. They refused to acknowledge my request and said that only those of a greater hierarchical standing may do that. Ok fine.. that sucked but whatever.

Here's the thing with me, when people are rude to me or talk to me in a harsh manner, i dont' usually reciprocate. Instead i actually treat them really nice, talk to them in the nicest possible manner. I have know idea why i do that, but it does seem to piss people off more than if i had just given them what they gave me. :-) So thats what i did to my supervisors.

After my trim, i was sitting in reclined chair, beside my friend, as we were about to get our hair dyed. My friend asks one of the supervisors, "are there any gay people up here?" oh god no! please don't i thought to myself, as if i was afraid of being outed or something.. but wait .. he doesn't know that i could be.. or does he?

The supervisor repsonds with "yeah there were. But they have since been executed. they have no place here".

Oh damn... I keep quiet and hope my friend doesn't drag this topic on any longer. I sense that he probably felt the same way and stops talking as well. we sit there in silence as our hair gets bleached.

My supervisor comes up to me to look up at him. with his finger, he taps me between my eyes several times and asks if i can feel it. Affirmative sir!. .. He tells me to put my head back, and close my eyes. I do as he says, however i don't quite close my eyes completely, and see him pull out a small razor blade. Oh god no!!! He slashes my throat several times. I gasp for air and then.............


I wake up.

However the weird thing is this:



I was pretty freaked out, but i figured i must have just scratched myself while sleeping.

1) Im not a very outgoing person, and can be really boring to be with

2) I don't like doing things alone. Some see this as a lack of independence

3) My eyes

4) My Height - wish i was taller

5) Im too easily swayed by people - i can be a pushover

6) I trust people too much

7) I always seem to see the best in people all the time - perhaps im just ignorant?

8) I seem to be oblivious to what people have done to me in the past - i don't seem to hold grudges against anyone for any reason

9) I don't seem to fit in anywhere - Im of Asian Decent, but because I've never really had any asian friends, and grew up around caucasians, i don't fit in with any asian groups, but yet i feel out of place around caucasians because of my ethnicity and how i was raised.

10) I never really had much of a childhood, nor direction and guidance in life. So i feel a little lost sometimes and I find it hard to find anythign in common with anyone else.

Rant over.

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Oh i'll add an 11th:

11) I care too much what other people think about me. I never do things for myself, i do things for others - whether its to get attention or the need to impress someone for my own self worth.

So once again, I had another one of my crazy dreams. I don't know why, but certain dreams i can remember vividly and other times, i just don't dream at all. Which kind of sucks because the only reason why i can remember these dreams are because they are often really violent, explicit, emotional or dark in nature. I've never really dreamt a happy dream or one of those where everything is all light, and cloudy and have bunny rabbits jumping around everywhere. But i guess dreams reflect whats subconsciously in your mind, so in a sense, my mind is probably really messed up.

And so it begins...

Car detailing is something that i really enjoy. In fact some may think that i've gone absolutely bonkers to work on a car for at least 7 hours of the day. "How can you take that long 'washing' a car?" some have said. Well EXCUSE ME! Its called "DETAILING" not "WASHING". Detailing involves a lot more than just soapy water. Most people dont' understand it, but for me, its a great way for me to just focus my energy on something, a way to kill time, and after it all, i get to stand back and admire the beauty of hard work. I like seeing results.

So, seeing as im a complete nutcase for detailing, i've obviously got my own products like multiple microfibre cloths, polishing pads, drying towels, wash mitts, car wash products, polishes, waxes etc. I've also got my own decent vacuum cleaner for the interior as well as a high pressure washer. I keep all my stuff in a cupboard inside my garage, back home.

Recently I've been trying to find a part time or casual job just to make a few bucks, and i did at one stage apply at a car detailing place at the mall. I never got the job though because apparently the boss wasn't hiring. That was a bit of a bummer, because i wouldn't have minded working there because i love detailing cars.

Mid year break is coming up soon, and so i find myself back home again, and in my driveway is a car detailing place. However there is only one guy working there. It was kind of weird but i never questioned what it was doing in my driveway. I actually offered to help him. He had just washed the car, so i asked if he'd like me to help him dry it before the water dries and leaves waterspots. He says sure.

So i go over and grab a towel and start drying the car, starting from the bonnet. And then i notice that the towel im using looks quite familiar and very similar to mine. A few moments later i realise that it WAS mine. And so were all the other products that he was using. I question the guy about it, and he replied that because his boss gives him low quality products to use, he prefers to use my supplies.

Im really quite infuriated by this, as my products have cost me well over $1000 - OF MY OWN MONEY. Although frustrated and angry, i keep my cool and tell him that its okay if he uses it, but he'll just have to reimburse me.

We keep working on the car, and then i find my vacuum cleaner layin in the garage, filled with dust and dirt. He had been using my power equipment as well! He hadn't even bothered to empty the dustbin, and the filters were completely clogged. I kind of lost it then, as I can get a bit protective of my belongings especially if they are mistreated. I went up to him and yelled at him and cursed at him for being so inconsiderate and careless.

Despite my going off my head at him, he remains calm and looks at me, and apologises. I look back at him, and its only now that i realise how good looking he was. He was FIT. He was wearin a black singlet, that really showed off his arms and his physique. We were quiet for a little while, until he comes up to me and kisses me. His lips were supple and had a slight sweaty salty taste. I put my arms around him and we made out for a while.

I then let go, and walked towards the front door, and winked at him. He followed me instinctively into my room. Noone was home at the time so i wasn't concerned about anyone seeing me. I closed my door, locked it and we both frantically pulled each others clothes off. The smell of his hot sweaty body was bliss. I pushed him onto my bed, and laid on top of him, kissing - his tender lips, his neck, his nipples, abs and then i slowly made why way down to his now throbbing dick.

Just as i was going down on him, i see my youngest brother peeping through my bedroom window. I look up and he notices me, and then runs away. Oh god, i thought please nooooo. This can't be happening....FARRKK. And then i hear his footsteps inside and more voices. Seriously!! DUDE not your friends too!!!

I get up immediately and run to the door. Although my door has a lock, its easily unlocked from the outside - and thats exactly what my brother does - so im standing fully in the nude behind my closed door, just pushing against it so that he wont come in. But he has all his other mates pushing against the door as well, so it slowly inches forward. "Please don't come in. give me a few minutes!" i cry. At least let me get dressed dude!

I know that if i let go of the door, it'll swing open and i'll be standing there completely naked with another guy in my room. Yet i NEED to put some clothes on. This just isn't going to work and so i just let go of the door and walk out in the nude. THERE! You happy now? I've got nothign to say to you. Just GTFO. My brother and his mates all point and laugh and talk about it. But i couldn't care less at this point, because it just couldn't get any worse.

I then went on a mad rampage, angry at everything and everyone and just started destroying anything that came in my way.

And thats when the dream kind of ended, because i can't remember anything else after it.

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My youngest brother is 16, but he is such a child. He's always had it easy. He never really had any sense of commitment to anything and he'd always run a muck and did whatever he felt like. He never helped out with the chores at home because he knew that if he didn't do it, we'd always do it for him. He never had to try at anything because he knew we would pick up the slack for him. He's a nightmare sometimes.

I thought about it, and I think this particular dream is a manifestation of a great fear i have of being outed in a way beyond my control. The way my brother acted would be exactly how he would act in real life, which makes me feel that i would never be able to come out to him even if i wanted to because he would make a big deal out of it, possibly mock me, humiliate me and i really do think that any form of relationship we did have would disappear.

I've also realised that this dream parallels exactly what happened in the 'gay porn on phone' debacle that happened a while back. During that incident, i was out detailing the car in the driveway, when he found my phone and went through my videos. When i came in, i found out what he was laughing about. He laughed at me, he called me gay, he mocked me and then humiliated me even further by stealing my memory card, putting it into his phone and showing my parents.

I really don't get it! He knows my parents are conservative and relatively narrow minded, yet he doesn't think of any of the consequences and the affect upon me of his actions. My eldest sister is like that as well. They both are so similar in personality.

Lately i've been arguing a lot with her. We never see eye to eye on anything and even small disagreements end up being full on shouting matches. I dont know whether its me or its her. But everythign she says seems to annoy me, which solicits either a smartarse remark or a sarcastic remark from me, which then fires her up even more.

She's a smart girl, but over the years i've noticed that she's begun to dumb herself down. She acts like a bimbo and purposely says really stupid dumb things in attempt to gain attention. What annoys me is that i know that its just all an act - maybe one that she's gotten herself too deep into and cant get out of. She asks me a lot of questions that really common sense can answer which i get annoyed at and thats usually when we start our constant bickering.

I also think shes a bit of a feminist with double standards. She's been with her current BF for almost 5 years now. He's a great guy, and to me he's like a brother. He treats her SOO good, and because of that she's begun taking him for granted. Acting like a spoilt little princess. That really upsets me sometimes when she scolds him for really stupid and petty things that aren't really worth it. She also mocks him quite a bit, as he was a highschool dropout and never went to uni. I've told her numerous times to cut it out and that he's the best thing thats ever happened to her.

Now about her having double standards - she seems to be all into chivalry and how men are supposed to treat women well and put them first and blah blah blah... yet whenever he offers to open doors for her or pulls a chair out for her, she scolds him for being patronising and that she is independent and doesn't need a man to do those things for her. She also yells at both her bf and me about how cooking and cleaning is not a womans job and that men should be the ones in the kitchen. She also says women have the right to do anything they want. But then she says rather stupid things like " oh thats a mans job" which totally contradict her theories on gender equality.

I don't know.. maybe she has her own personal issues to sort out. Maybe she acts that way because, like me, she never really had much of a childhood. and perhaps thats why shes acting like such a big baby all the time. Her BF also moved out to persue a job interstate so they dont' get to see each other much anymore which might be a reason why she seems pissed off and angry all the time.

Her BF's a nice guy. But ever since they got together, I've always felt like the 3rd wheel. They met around the same time as when I first moved out of home for uni. I didn't have any friends here so she was the only person i had. But she spent more time with him than me which made me feel like i had noone. Sure i guess i have my uni mates, but most of them now have partners so whoever i go out with, i always feel left out.

---------------------

A lesson to derive from this dream:

Maybe there really is no point in trying to hold the door shut when you know that eventually someone will be able to open it. Should i just come out to my family and friends? Will it be worth it? I dont' know. But the door will be opened some day in the future.


What i've realised about myself:

Maybe im too easily swayed, and allow people to play me. Even if someone has wronged me, im almost a little to willing to forgive them. In the past i guess people have exploited me for this. They think im a push over and that as long as they act nicely to me for a while, they'll be able to get me to do anything for them. Sadly this is probably true. I probably am a pushover. Just like how i was so willing to forgive the detailer guy for mistreating my equipment and using my products, just because he apologised to me and kissed me. My only defence is probably that im a push over only because im lonely, and that i jump too soon at the chance whenever anyone is affectionate to me - but then aggain, i guess thats not much of a defence is it?

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Oh and this is just a random part of the dream i had that really had no other connection with anything else.

In the corner was a small table with a vase filled with water, and some Lucky Bamboo plants in it. As i walked over the vase fell over and the plants fell out. I picked up the vase, placed i back on the table, and began picking up the plants and putting them back in. However everytime i put one back into the vase, another would fall out. I just couldn't seem to put them all back in.

Im not really sure what the message of this dream was though.