Empty Spaces

So once again, I had another one of my crazy dreams. I don't know why, but certain dreams i can remember vividly and other times, i just don't dream at all. Which kind of sucks because the only reason why i can remember these dreams are because they are often really violent, explicit, emotional or dark in nature. I've never really dreamt a happy dream or one of those where everything is all light, and cloudy and have bunny rabbits jumping around everywhere. But i guess dreams reflect whats subconsciously in your mind, so in a sense, my mind is probably really messed up.

And so it begins...

Car detailing is something that i really enjoy. In fact some may think that i've gone absolutely bonkers to work on a car for at least 7 hours of the day. "How can you take that long 'washing' a car?" some have said. Well EXCUSE ME! Its called "DETAILING" not "WASHING". Detailing involves a lot more than just soapy water. Most people dont' understand it, but for me, its a great way for me to just focus my energy on something, a way to kill time, and after it all, i get to stand back and admire the beauty of hard work. I like seeing results.

So, seeing as im a complete nutcase for detailing, i've obviously got my own products like multiple microfibre cloths, polishing pads, drying towels, wash mitts, car wash products, polishes, waxes etc. I've also got my own decent vacuum cleaner for the interior as well as a high pressure washer. I keep all my stuff in a cupboard inside my garage, back home.

Recently I've been trying to find a part time or casual job just to make a few bucks, and i did at one stage apply at a car detailing place at the mall. I never got the job though because apparently the boss wasn't hiring. That was a bit of a bummer, because i wouldn't have minded working there because i love detailing cars.

Mid year break is coming up soon, and so i find myself back home again, and in my driveway is a car detailing place. However there is only one guy working there. It was kind of weird but i never questioned what it was doing in my driveway. I actually offered to help him. He had just washed the car, so i asked if he'd like me to help him dry it before the water dries and leaves waterspots. He says sure.

So i go over and grab a towel and start drying the car, starting from the bonnet. And then i notice that the towel im using looks quite familiar and very similar to mine. A few moments later i realise that it WAS mine. And so were all the other products that he was using. I question the guy about it, and he replied that because his boss gives him low quality products to use, he prefers to use my supplies.

Im really quite infuriated by this, as my products have cost me well over $1000 - OF MY OWN MONEY. Although frustrated and angry, i keep my cool and tell him that its okay if he uses it, but he'll just have to reimburse me.

We keep working on the car, and then i find my vacuum cleaner layin in the garage, filled with dust and dirt. He had been using my power equipment as well! He hadn't even bothered to empty the dustbin, and the filters were completely clogged. I kind of lost it then, as I can get a bit protective of my belongings especially if they are mistreated. I went up to him and yelled at him and cursed at him for being so inconsiderate and careless.

Despite my going off my head at him, he remains calm and looks at me, and apologises. I look back at him, and its only now that i realise how good looking he was. He was FIT. He was wearin a black singlet, that really showed off his arms and his physique. We were quiet for a little while, until he comes up to me and kisses me. His lips were supple and had a slight sweaty salty taste. I put my arms around him and we made out for a while.

I then let go, and walked towards the front door, and winked at him. He followed me instinctively into my room. Noone was home at the time so i wasn't concerned about anyone seeing me. I closed my door, locked it and we both frantically pulled each others clothes off. The smell of his hot sweaty body was bliss. I pushed him onto my bed, and laid on top of him, kissing - his tender lips, his neck, his nipples, abs and then i slowly made why way down to his now throbbing dick.

Just as i was going down on him, i see my youngest brother peeping through my bedroom window. I look up and he notices me, and then runs away. Oh god, i thought please nooooo. This can't be happening....FARRKK. And then i hear his footsteps inside and more voices. Seriously!! DUDE not your friends too!!!

I get up immediately and run to the door. Although my door has a lock, its easily unlocked from the outside - and thats exactly what my brother does - so im standing fully in the nude behind my closed door, just pushing against it so that he wont come in. But he has all his other mates pushing against the door as well, so it slowly inches forward. "Please don't come in. give me a few minutes!" i cry. At least let me get dressed dude!

I know that if i let go of the door, it'll swing open and i'll be standing there completely naked with another guy in my room. Yet i NEED to put some clothes on. This just isn't going to work and so i just let go of the door and walk out in the nude. THERE! You happy now? I've got nothign to say to you. Just GTFO. My brother and his mates all point and laugh and talk about it. But i couldn't care less at this point, because it just couldn't get any worse.

I then went on a mad rampage, angry at everything and everyone and just started destroying anything that came in my way.

And thats when the dream kind of ended, because i can't remember anything else after it.

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My youngest brother is 16, but he is such a child. He's always had it easy. He never really had any sense of commitment to anything and he'd always run a muck and did whatever he felt like. He never helped out with the chores at home because he knew that if he didn't do it, we'd always do it for him. He never had to try at anything because he knew we would pick up the slack for him. He's a nightmare sometimes.

I thought about it, and I think this particular dream is a manifestation of a great fear i have of being outed in a way beyond my control. The way my brother acted would be exactly how he would act in real life, which makes me feel that i would never be able to come out to him even if i wanted to because he would make a big deal out of it, possibly mock me, humiliate me and i really do think that any form of relationship we did have would disappear.

I've also realised that this dream parallels exactly what happened in the 'gay porn on phone' debacle that happened a while back. During that incident, i was out detailing the car in the driveway, when he found my phone and went through my videos. When i came in, i found out what he was laughing about. He laughed at me, he called me gay, he mocked me and then humiliated me even further by stealing my memory card, putting it into his phone and showing my parents.

I really don't get it! He knows my parents are conservative and relatively narrow minded, yet he doesn't think of any of the consequences and the affect upon me of his actions. My eldest sister is like that as well. They both are so similar in personality.

Lately i've been arguing a lot with her. We never see eye to eye on anything and even small disagreements end up being full on shouting matches. I dont know whether its me or its her. But everythign she says seems to annoy me, which solicits either a smartarse remark or a sarcastic remark from me, which then fires her up even more.

She's a smart girl, but over the years i've noticed that she's begun to dumb herself down. She acts like a bimbo and purposely says really stupid dumb things in attempt to gain attention. What annoys me is that i know that its just all an act - maybe one that she's gotten herself too deep into and cant get out of. She asks me a lot of questions that really common sense can answer which i get annoyed at and thats usually when we start our constant bickering.

I also think shes a bit of a feminist with double standards. She's been with her current BF for almost 5 years now. He's a great guy, and to me he's like a brother. He treats her SOO good, and because of that she's begun taking him for granted. Acting like a spoilt little princess. That really upsets me sometimes when she scolds him for really stupid and petty things that aren't really worth it. She also mocks him quite a bit, as he was a highschool dropout and never went to uni. I've told her numerous times to cut it out and that he's the best thing thats ever happened to her.

Now about her having double standards - she seems to be all into chivalry and how men are supposed to treat women well and put them first and blah blah blah... yet whenever he offers to open doors for her or pulls a chair out for her, she scolds him for being patronising and that she is independent and doesn't need a man to do those things for her. She also yells at both her bf and me about how cooking and cleaning is not a womans job and that men should be the ones in the kitchen. She also says women have the right to do anything they want. But then she says rather stupid things like " oh thats a mans job" which totally contradict her theories on gender equality.

I don't know.. maybe she has her own personal issues to sort out. Maybe she acts that way because, like me, she never really had much of a childhood. and perhaps thats why shes acting like such a big baby all the time. Her BF also moved out to persue a job interstate so they dont' get to see each other much anymore which might be a reason why she seems pissed off and angry all the time.

Her BF's a nice guy. But ever since they got together, I've always felt like the 3rd wheel. They met around the same time as when I first moved out of home for uni. I didn't have any friends here so she was the only person i had. But she spent more time with him than me which made me feel like i had noone. Sure i guess i have my uni mates, but most of them now have partners so whoever i go out with, i always feel left out.

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A lesson to derive from this dream:

Maybe there really is no point in trying to hold the door shut when you know that eventually someone will be able to open it. Should i just come out to my family and friends? Will it be worth it? I dont' know. But the door will be opened some day in the future.


What i've realised about myself:

Maybe im too easily swayed, and allow people to play me. Even if someone has wronged me, im almost a little to willing to forgive them. In the past i guess people have exploited me for this. They think im a push over and that as long as they act nicely to me for a while, they'll be able to get me to do anything for them. Sadly this is probably true. I probably am a pushover. Just like how i was so willing to forgive the detailer guy for mistreating my equipment and using my products, just because he apologised to me and kissed me. My only defence is probably that im a push over only because im lonely, and that i jump too soon at the chance whenever anyone is affectionate to me - but then aggain, i guess thats not much of a defence is it?

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Oh and this is just a random part of the dream i had that really had no other connection with anything else.

In the corner was a small table with a vase filled with water, and some Lucky Bamboo plants in it. As i walked over the vase fell over and the plants fell out. I picked up the vase, placed i back on the table, and began picking up the plants and putting them back in. However everytime i put one back into the vase, another would fall out. I just couldn't seem to put them all back in.

Im not really sure what the message of this dream was though.