Empty Spaces

Im so annoyed and pissed off right now. Im pissed off at everything. I hate that I'm in a sickly condition, with constant headaches, coughing and sneezing. To make things worse, I've got an exam coming up on Saturday. Then I've also got to arrange flights down to Sydney because I'm going to be meeting up with a cousin from America that I've never met before in my life.

My exam schedule doesn't let me finish until after midday 26th of June. And that's the day that we were supposed to fly down. My sister has been giving me so much crap and she's being a real bitch about things. The plans were that we were going to fly down to Newcastle, where her BF is, on the 26th and then drive to Sydney. I told her that i couldn't do the 26th because firstly i have an exam in the morning and then later I have two of my friends having a joint birthday celebration which i had already agreed to being there weeks in advance. She's keeps saying that I'm being selfish and inconsiderate and that I shouldn't go to the birthday celebration and fly down that night.

OMFG its not like i have a massive social life! I hardly ever get to see my friends and i hardly go out! The one time i get invited to something, you tell me i shouldn't go? grow up! Your not my mother! I can do what i like.

I told her i'd fly down early the next morning, but she kept insisting that i was being difficult. fucking hell you have no idea how pissed off i am.

So i booked her ticket down on the 26th in the morning, and I called up her BF and told him that I was going to take a flight down early Sunday morning, but I had a bit of a dilemma. Flights to newcastle on Sundays only run after midday, so i wont be getting down until after 1. Which was a bit late because they wanted to be in sydney before then. The other option i had was to fly straight to sydney and bypass newcastle and get picked up there. But then he was a little hesitant as he said that the flights to sydney were too pricey. So i asked him what he thought i should do (as i was using his credit card to book these flights) and he didn't really give me a explicit answer but said something along the lines of "well i guess thats your only option".

So i did it, i booked my flight to sydney depsite it being $100 more than the flight my sister took to newcastle. So then i go and talk to my sister and i asked her if he though that he was paying for these flights and if that was the reason he was so adament that the flight to sydney wasn't the best idea. It was only supposed to be question to her, but then she goes and rings her BF and they both get into a shouting match. And then he asks her "Why did you think that?" and then she stupidly says "Because *I* told her so". >.< fucking hell......And then she gets up me.

I'm just so pissed off that she thinks im the bad guy who wants to ruin all her plans. I told her that if im really that much of a burden then i wont even go, and she and him can go meet the cousin themsevles. She calls me a inconsiderate prick, and we exchange unkind words. Im just not mentally or physically in the mood for any of this so i go back into my room. and thats where i am now.

She's pissed off at me because I'm not being flexible, because her BF has to work Tuesday night, and because of me flying down late we'll have less time to do things.

EXCUSE ME? You accuse me of being inflexible where as its okay that HE has to work Tuesday night? Umm im sorry but i gave you my exam schedule weeks ago and told you that I couldn't do ANYTHING until after the 26th. And you go and blame me for screwing up your goddam plans.

God im so sick of her.

All of her friends have partners, and she has a partner herself so she doesnt need to go out much, because her friends are always coming over. They go to dinner, movies, bowling etc and do what coupled people do, you know the grown up stuff. I feel like such a third wheel.

I have like hardly ANY friends, and my social life is about as good as dead. So it really angers me when she tries to take away just any type of social life i have. I can't go anywhere without her asking me for details. And when i tell her that im going to meet up with some friends, she insists i tell her who these friends are.
It frustrates me so much. I shouldn't have to tell her all these details about my personal life. I don't go around quizzing her on her life, so i wish she'd respect that. In this apartment, I have like hardly any privacy at all.

We're always arguing over absolutely everything. The only time im sane is whenever she NOT around or when im with my friends. And to me its like she wants to take away my sanity as well!

Im just so fucking over everything. It's depressing but whenever im in this kind of mood, i always fantasize about sitting on the edge of a cliff or a bridge. Not that I'd jump or anything, but I'd sit there, just to see if anyone would come up and pull me back and tell me that everything is going to be alright. Someone to let me know that I'm not worthless.

I really want someone to hold, and to be there for me - because i feel so alone. Someone who i can tell anything to, and someone who can keep me warm when its cold. This feeling of loneliness is really eating me up inside, and noone knows.