Empty Spaces

It's been a while since I was last on here. I know my last few posts haven't exactly been very easy to read or positive, and the few who have read my blog would probably think that I'm a very troubled, deeply depressed, confused and negative person. I guess thats somewhat true to an extent. The thing is though, this blog is usually my last resort, and I come here to spill my guts, to expell the toxins in my life and i guess the blog serves its purpose as a blackhole to which i dump my emotions in. With that said, the reason i guess that a lot of my posts aren't very positive is that when im in a good mood, i dont generally feel the need to come here. With that said, I now have several followers - which is more than what i ever imagined, since from the start, I always thought this blog would remain unread by anyone except for me. To those people, I'd like to say thankyou. Thankyou for being here, and giving me feedback and advice. Thankyou for letting me know im not alone. Thankyou for giving me insights into your own experiences through your own blogs. And a big thankyou to the few bloggers who i've had the honour of being able to talk to one-on-one through IM. You know who you are - once again, thankyou, and i appreciate your friendship.

Since the last time I posted, I guess things have settled down a little bit. I spent my christmas away from my family, and with a friend who I used to live with on campus. Away from my sister. Away from my housemate. Away from my family. Sometimes its just good to get away from everyday life. The ironic thing though, all this time i had away from my usual everyday life, you'd think i'd use it to think through things, about my life, about my circumstances - when in fact, I did no thinking, no self-reflection or anything alone those lines. I dont know if its a good thing or not, but I guess im sort of treating it as a temporary high, where i dont give a damn about anyone or anything. I've just shoved everything to the sides and forgotten about it. Im not particuarly proud of what i've done, but I feel happy. I feel satisfied with the way things are. But all things will come to an end sooner or later. This temporary high will end soon.

I've been spending a great deal of time with Hayden. I'm finding that I'm growing fonder of him everyday and every time i see him. I get excited whenever i hear my txt message tone that alerts me of a new message. I get excited everytime i see him popup on my instant messenger screen or whenever he comments or 'likes' somethign on my facebook profile. A few months ago, when i first met him, i would have never imagined how happy he would make me. But with light, there is always dark. With positive there is always a minus. And in this case, the happier he makes me, the sadder i get. A feeling deep inside me grows and makes me wanting to cut him out of my life altogether. The few months that i've known him, I feel as if I can connect with him so much better than other friends which i've known for years. Theres something about him, but i feel comfortable being around him.

The problem stems from the fact that the more we are together, the craving for something more than just friends grows. I feel that im beginning to cross over that blurry line of friends and something greater. There is a great uncertainty as I am unsure of whether he'll be able to reciprocate my feelings for him. He's been giving so many mixed messages. I jsut dont know what to do. As our friendship progresses, something suddenly struck me - As a whole, this friendship i have with Hayden is beginning to mirror that of my friendship with TN. It started out almost exactly the same way - both complete strangers who sort of just 'met'. The initial breaking the ice and bonding. Spending probably far too much time talking to each other. And then eventually me probably stepping over that blurry perhaps non-existant line and the friendship crumbling. The relationship i have with TN atm is a little shakey. Its on-off. I dont know what things are like through his eyes, but very rarely does he make me feel happy anymore. I'm scared that the same thing will happen with Hayden. This fear and anxiety, pulls me away from the blissful high im on, back into the depths of darkness and despair. I dont know whether i should save myself by gradually removing Hayden from my life, or whether i should just keep going the way things are going. I guess no matter what i do, both paths will probably just lead to the same destination. :-(

I have this intense feeling that I am an extremely ungrateful, selfish and needy person. I crave constant attention and I always need someone there for me. I give the illusion that im an appreciatve, grateful and caring person, but deep down i know that i am not. NOt because im not, but because I dont know how to. Sometimes everything feels like an act. I have no substance. I feel that i have no moral substance. What is right or wrong i determine from what others have told me what is right or wrong. I feel like i'm missing something. I feel like i should know within myself these sorts of things. I like to think that i am empathetic, but truth is, i dont think i have that capacity. Apathy is so easily disguised as empathy in my mind.

For the time being, I can say that im somewhat emotionally stable and that im doing pretty well. After all, i am on a blissful temporary high.

Through time, i hope i'll be able to peel back the dead outer layers of myself and expose the real me inside. I hope to be able to find substance within myself. Only then will i truly understand myself and the world around me.


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I've been having a few recurring dreams lately.
Imagine a rocky cliff on the coastline, with waves battering the rock wall constantly, and the turbulent water below. I'm in the water, being thrown up against the rocks, trying to claw my way out, and then being sucked into the ocean again. The rocks are slippery. The process repeats itself over and over again.

I'm walking along a dirt track. There's noone else with me. As i walk, i notice that theres a large bear, sitting with its back turned to me on the side of the road. I look over, and it turns around, locks eyes with me, and then leaps forward and attacks me. There is a car nearby, with a door on either side open. I jump into the car through one door, in an attempt to escape the bear. But the bear comes through the other side. So i jump out, run around and try to close the door the bear came through to lock it into the car. But jsut as i close that door, the bear escapes through the door i came out of. So i get back into the car through the door i just closed. The process repeats itself over and over again.

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<3 Ron.

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To all my followers. I hope you all have a safe and happy new year.

I feel lost. I dont know whats real and whats not. My whole life seems to be dictacted to me. Now i know with 100% certainty what my fate is. How can it be that people are so two faced? They say one thing to you, when they really mean another thing. Life is one big lie. I'm so dissappointed and let down. I thought there was hope. Now i know the reality of it all. There is no hope. There is no life. I dont know whats real anymore. Im told to do one thing, and then all of a sudden, it just doesnt matter anymore. My life is a contradiction. I have no guidance. All this time, all the things that have been said, and the truth comes out. I know how it really is and how you feel now. I store my life in a secret locker, and sink it to the bottom of the deepest ocean and destroy the key. I can do no more. Forever my secret will be locked. The fork in the road is no longer. There are no alternatives. I feel so betrayed. I do not know what is truthful anymore. I try to lead a good life, to live up to expectations, to be a good brother, son, friend, but it seems this can so easily be disregarded. In my mind is random chaos. My life is forver cursed. If I had in front of me, a switch to turn it off for good, I would not hesitate.

I have a friend, who we'll call Hayden. I met him a few months ago, at a university society event. While there, we did the meet and greet thing, and then as usual, we all dissapated into our usual comfort groups. So after I introduced myself and we had an obligatory 'breaking the ice', we both wondered off, me to my comfort group, and him to another random group. Im not sure he knew anyone though, because he was an international student, who had only been in Australia for less than 2 weeks. For the rest of the night, I didnt really have much contact with him.

At the end of the night, most people were pairing up and leaving, with the majority of them taking the same form of transportation. It sucked beecause most of the people lived in an opposite direction to where i lived, so that meant i would be commuting home by myself. That was until i noticed Hayden. He was standing there by himself, im assuming hoping that someone else was travelling his way. It looked highly unlikely as by now almost all the people had left. I walked up to him and asked him where he was going. And to my surprise, his station was the station before mine. So i offered to take the train with him.

It was a short ride, but before we got off, we exchanged numbers. After that though, i never heard from him again, and he never replied to my text message. I was slightly dissappointed. A few weeks later, I walked onto a bus, on my way to a get together with an old friend from college. As i walked towards the back of the bus, i noticed from the corner of my eye, some random guy looking at me. I didn't think much of it. I turned into the window and stared out. But i could see his reflection, in the window - he was staring at me. It was a little creepy. Then he got up, walked towards me, and taps me on the shoulder, and asks me if we've met before.

To my surprise, it was Hayden. He told me that he had lost his phone and didn't have my number anymore. So we exchanged details again, and had a quick chat, before he got off at the next stop. Since then, we've been hanging out a bit, more so now that its university holidays. I really like him a lot. He's a really nice guy, and for some reason, he's insane enough to come walking around the city aimlessly with me. We also went for a random midnight drive, with no desitnation or purpose in mind. Noone else has ever wanted to do anything spontaneous and random with me.

I guess i dont feel as lonely as I used to be anymore. But heres the problem:

Whenever anyone takes an interest in me, I just fall for that person. Its hard to explain, but its like I want to be more than just friends with that person. Sometimes im afraid that I'll overstep the line of being just friends. Im afraid that I might become too clingy and too needy. Im afraid that I'm unsure of whether i truly like this person for himself, or whether I only like him because of the attention he's shown me. I dont know what to do. What makes things worse is that in the back of my head, Im secretly hoping that he likes guys too.

He confuses me. On his FB profile, he is in a relationship with another guy. but he is interested in women. I asked him about this profile, and he said that the relationship status was only a joke. He also added "i'm not gay if thats what you're wondering". Yes thats exactly what i was wondering....too bad i said, because "it wouldn't have mattered to me whether you were or you weren't".

A few nights ago, I messaged him, saything that I was really bored and wanted to get out of here, even if it meant i got wet from the rain. (its been raining heaps recently). A few nights later, i got a text message from him, pretty much saying the same thing - that he was really bored and wanted to do something, even if he got wet by the rain. So.....right?? what am i supposed to think of that?

We went on a random drive two nights ago, and we ended up on a lookout over the city. Problem was, it was a saturday night. and the only people who were on that lookout at that time, were couples. Smooching away at each other. Awkward. He was the first to mention it - "dude, we look like a gay couple". I kind of just chuckled a bit, and said "right.. in that case, you stay here, and i'll go over there". But he followed me.

I mentioned that it did feel a bit awkward, and that now i was getting a bit paranoid. Im not sure why, but he chipped in with "oh I'm NOT gay by the way". After admiring the view for a little while, he mentioned that he was a bit cold, and i said yeah it is a bit chilly. He then followed with "I dont need you to warm me up btw" jokingly. Right....

I have a horrible gaydar. its like it was an optional extra when i was being made, that i never got. Im not sure if he's tryign to throw hints at me or whether im just misinterpreting his actions. But whatever he's doing, its really confusing me.

I want to hang out with him, because i feel happy when i do, but when im with him, im afraid that i want something more out of it. :( why can't i just be normal and be contempt with being just friends. I dont know how to be just a friend :-((. Because of this, I dont want to be around him. But then it makes me sad because i dont like being alone.

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I feel empty. I feel like nothing is real. I smile for the sake of smiling. I laugh for the sake of laughing. Im emotionally dead. There is nothign i really truly feel happy about. Most of the times, happiness is simply the absence of sadness.

I feel like a zombie because of my lack of emotions. What i also lack is my own opinions. For some reason, i take everythign for granted, and dont have my own views or convictions on anything. Its so hard to say, and i feel horrible for saying so, but it could be because i dont care enough for anything to have any opinions or convictions about things. Why do i have a lack of caring? I feel like a robot.

I need to see someone about my problems.

So... I kinda lost it tonight. It started off with petty little argument with my sister. and then it escalated from there. I called home, but only to get dad, so i thought i would talk to him about it. but he just said some nasty things that really hurt.

Then my sister walked into my room demanding that I tell her what i was talking about and to whom. I told her to go away and leave me alone. But i broke down so bad. I just started bawling my eyes out and couldnt stop. she kept asking me what the person on the phone had said to me to make me this way. I told her to go away.

Then mum rang. And i had to answer. And i just cried and bawled my eyes out to her. I could barely talk. All i could hear was mum telling me that it was ok and that i need to stop crying.

It was that bad, i was hyperventilating, my limbs were going numb and i almost blacked out. It took mum 2 hours to calm me down.

Why is it that mums always have such a great ability make sense of everything and to make things alright again? I'm seeing clear once again.

After that, i went out with Hayden because i needed to get away for a bit. I really like him.

And now my chest, and insides and everything hurts from crying so much...

Im such a screw up.