Empty Spaces

It's been a while since I was last on here. I know my last few posts haven't exactly been very easy to read or positive, and the few who have read my blog would probably think that I'm a very troubled, deeply depressed, confused and negative person. I guess thats somewhat true to an extent. The thing is though, this blog is usually my last resort, and I come here to spill my guts, to expell the toxins in my life and i guess the blog serves its purpose as a blackhole to which i dump my emotions in. With that said, the reason i guess that a lot of my posts aren't very positive is that when im in a good mood, i dont generally feel the need to come here. With that said, I now have several followers - which is more than what i ever imagined, since from the start, I always thought this blog would remain unread by anyone except for me. To those people, I'd like to say thankyou. Thankyou for being here, and giving me feedback and advice. Thankyou for letting me know im not alone. Thankyou for giving me insights into your own experiences through your own blogs. And a big thankyou to the few bloggers who i've had the honour of being able to talk to one-on-one through IM. You know who you are - once again, thankyou, and i appreciate your friendship.

Since the last time I posted, I guess things have settled down a little bit. I spent my christmas away from my family, and with a friend who I used to live with on campus. Away from my sister. Away from my housemate. Away from my family. Sometimes its just good to get away from everyday life. The ironic thing though, all this time i had away from my usual everyday life, you'd think i'd use it to think through things, about my life, about my circumstances - when in fact, I did no thinking, no self-reflection or anything alone those lines. I dont know if its a good thing or not, but I guess im sort of treating it as a temporary high, where i dont give a damn about anyone or anything. I've just shoved everything to the sides and forgotten about it. Im not particuarly proud of what i've done, but I feel happy. I feel satisfied with the way things are. But all things will come to an end sooner or later. This temporary high will end soon.

I've been spending a great deal of time with Hayden. I'm finding that I'm growing fonder of him everyday and every time i see him. I get excited whenever i hear my txt message tone that alerts me of a new message. I get excited everytime i see him popup on my instant messenger screen or whenever he comments or 'likes' somethign on my facebook profile. A few months ago, when i first met him, i would have never imagined how happy he would make me. But with light, there is always dark. With positive there is always a minus. And in this case, the happier he makes me, the sadder i get. A feeling deep inside me grows and makes me wanting to cut him out of my life altogether. The few months that i've known him, I feel as if I can connect with him so much better than other friends which i've known for years. Theres something about him, but i feel comfortable being around him.

The problem stems from the fact that the more we are together, the craving for something more than just friends grows. I feel that im beginning to cross over that blurry line of friends and something greater. There is a great uncertainty as I am unsure of whether he'll be able to reciprocate my feelings for him. He's been giving so many mixed messages. I jsut dont know what to do. As our friendship progresses, something suddenly struck me - As a whole, this friendship i have with Hayden is beginning to mirror that of my friendship with TN. It started out almost exactly the same way - both complete strangers who sort of just 'met'. The initial breaking the ice and bonding. Spending probably far too much time talking to each other. And then eventually me probably stepping over that blurry perhaps non-existant line and the friendship crumbling. The relationship i have with TN atm is a little shakey. Its on-off. I dont know what things are like through his eyes, but very rarely does he make me feel happy anymore. I'm scared that the same thing will happen with Hayden. This fear and anxiety, pulls me away from the blissful high im on, back into the depths of darkness and despair. I dont know whether i should save myself by gradually removing Hayden from my life, or whether i should just keep going the way things are going. I guess no matter what i do, both paths will probably just lead to the same destination. :-(

I have this intense feeling that I am an extremely ungrateful, selfish and needy person. I crave constant attention and I always need someone there for me. I give the illusion that im an appreciatve, grateful and caring person, but deep down i know that i am not. NOt because im not, but because I dont know how to. Sometimes everything feels like an act. I have no substance. I feel that i have no moral substance. What is right or wrong i determine from what others have told me what is right or wrong. I feel like i'm missing something. I feel like i should know within myself these sorts of things. I like to think that i am empathetic, but truth is, i dont think i have that capacity. Apathy is so easily disguised as empathy in my mind.

For the time being, I can say that im somewhat emotionally stable and that im doing pretty well. After all, i am on a blissful temporary high.

Through time, i hope i'll be able to peel back the dead outer layers of myself and expose the real me inside. I hope to be able to find substance within myself. Only then will i truly understand myself and the world around me.


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I've been having a few recurring dreams lately.
Imagine a rocky cliff on the coastline, with waves battering the rock wall constantly, and the turbulent water below. I'm in the water, being thrown up against the rocks, trying to claw my way out, and then being sucked into the ocean again. The rocks are slippery. The process repeats itself over and over again.

I'm walking along a dirt track. There's noone else with me. As i walk, i notice that theres a large bear, sitting with its back turned to me on the side of the road. I look over, and it turns around, locks eyes with me, and then leaps forward and attacks me. There is a car nearby, with a door on either side open. I jump into the car through one door, in an attempt to escape the bear. But the bear comes through the other side. So i jump out, run around and try to close the door the bear came through to lock it into the car. But jsut as i close that door, the bear escapes through the door i came out of. So i get back into the car through the door i just closed. The process repeats itself over and over again.

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<3 Ron.

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To all my followers. I hope you all have a safe and happy new year.