How to Arrange Everything inside a Big Closet?
8 years ago
so finally the affects of the last 4 drinks i had are hitting me.
kind of late though....i felt nothing while i was out tonight and now that im home, the alcohol decides to kick in...
gahh....
sleep time.
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Don't call my name don't call my name Alejandro
Im not your babe, im not your babe, Fernando...
Damn this lady Gaga song is addictive.
We're getting a new phone line connected in our apartment. Apparently it has already been activated but there's no dial tone coming through, so I rang up Telstra and they told me that they'll send out a technician. Noone else is free today, so I skipped my classes so that there'd be someone around when the technician arrives.
So the situation is, my housemates are all out of the house and wont be back until later tonight, and im just sitting around waiting for the technician to come.
A while late he shows up and i let him in, and he gets to work. Since i had nothing else to do i sat around watching him work on the line.
I think he may have noticed me watching and then turns around, smiles and says, "you like what you see don't you?". He gets up and walks towards me and before i could say or do anything he pulls me towards him and starts kissing me. I was surprised at first, but then i got into it as well. We caressed each other and eventually we were both down to just our underwear. At this point i hear the door open and the technicians younger apprentice (around my age) walks in and has a sheepish grin on his face. But to my surprise he takes off his shirt and pants and walks towards me and starts grinding with me.
So there i am, in the living room, with two hot guys, one older and one younger fooling around. Things start getting hot and i find myself being bottom for the younger tech while giving head to the older tech.
Then all of a sudden my MUM walks in the door and screams. "What the hell is going on here!"
We all just froze and then panicked. I grabbed whatever clothes i could and just tried to cover myself up as good as i could, while the two techs grabbed their gear and ran out to their van - all the while mum is standing there speechless.
I've never been so embarrassed, guilty or felt so much shame in my entire life. At that point i didn't feel like living at all - if there had been a cliff close by i think i may have jumped off.
"I can't believe you! How could you! How could you do this to us! Say something! Im your mother!!" she scolds me.
I'm completely speechless and the only thing i can do is cry. Im naked in my living room, only covered with whatever clothes i could grab at the time. I sit there in complete misery and feeling like such an idiot for letting this happen.
She continues with her speel, letting me know how much of an ebarrasment i am to her, and how i've brought shame upon the family and that she never intended for me to turn out this way and if she had known she would never have given birth to me.
All i could say was that i was sorry. The last thing she said to me was that she wishes i could give back all the loving and care that she'd ever given me, because i wasn't worthy of any of it. At this point she storms out.
That was probably the lowest i had ever been in my entire life. To be told by your own mother that you were worthless and was nothing more than an embarrassment to the family. I wanted to die. I wanted to just fade away into the darkness. I sat there, alone and naked, crying at myself - about how i probably was worthless, and an embarrassment, and how i had let my family down.
Then i woke up - with tears down my face literally - i had been crying in my sleep. I was fucking relieved when i realised that i had dreamed up the entire moment. But what really shocked me the most was how mum had been portrayed in my dream - honestly in my heart i really thought if i ever were to come out, mum would be the most supportive. But she was the complete opposite of that.
I guess this dream also may have stemmed from my fear of unintentionally being outed to my friends and family.
Something similar has happened in the past. I haven't told anyone about it though :-( its pretty personal and really embarassing for me. I had some gay porn on my phone, like full on hardcore vids. I usually had it on a separate memory card which i stored behind the back cover of my phone but i had forgotten to take it out and replace it with my regular memory card. I was outside washin the car and i had my phone on the dining table.
Later on i hear some laughing coming from inside, so i go in, only to find that my little brother has my phone in his hand, with gay porn playing. I grab the phone off him and yell "what the hell are you doing with my phone!" and he replies "are you gay? im gonna tell on you" and runs off into his bedroom. I turn my phone off and go back to washing the car.
Later when my parents are back, sure enough my little brother spills it to them. And the little bastard actually took my memory card from my phone and put it into his to show the 'evidence'.
I tried to cover myself by saying that some idiot guys sent it to me at uni - that people at lectures randomly send out crap like that as jokes through bluetooth to any device that has their bluetooth on. And besides, if i were gay, why would i leave my phone on, in the dining room, for anyone to access?
They were partially convinced, and never spoke of it after that. But when i flew back down to study after the break, my sister asked me several times whether i was gay or not, and that dad really wanted to know. WTF if dad wanted to know why didn't he just call me instead? why does he have to call you to ask me?
It really annoyed me, she hounded me for a while and made fun of me for having gay porn on my phone. I denied it all, but seriously it really affected me whenever she mentioned it. She even mentions it amongst her friends - its like she doesn't realise how much embarrassment it places on me. And the ironic thing is that although i've denied being gay and such, i probably am gay. so everytime she brings it up, it makes me feel really bad. And i can't do anythign about it because then it pretty much contradicts what i've told her earlier. Her way of putting it is if your not gay, then why are you embarrassed about it? You said it was sent to you as a joke right?
True story re: the gay porn on the phone. Stupid nokia and not having passwords on entering the filebrowser - this is why i stick with samsung phones. you can password protect pretty much everything.
Although noone talks about it now, im pretty sure my little brother KNOWS im gay. Everytime im home he'll put in little gay innuendos whenever he talks to me. My sister asked mum "what would u do if he WAS really gay?" and apparently mum said "...it's up to him". I overheard that conversation.. they didn't think i was there.
But still, i think most of my family are all pretty homophobic because they say some really terrible stuff towards gay people. Especially my brother and dad. My sister and her bf makes fun of gay people all the time as well. It makes me feel really bad, and just further reinforces my decision NOT to come out at all.
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So news in life....
yesterday was stupid. The friend i was supposed to meet with didn't end up coming because he said he was really behind in study for an exam he has. I had two classes that day with a 2 hour break in between, where we were sposed to have hung out. instead i sat in the library after my first class. In a last minute decision, i decided that i didn't want to stay for the last class, so i went to the bus stop, only to have JUST missed the bus. I was so pissed off because the next bus would arrive the same time my last class started. I wasn't really in the mood for class anymore so i sat there and waited
Got home later and just crashed in my room.
thats what they said to me when i went to see a movie with a mate of mine. This was about 1 and a half years back. He never really got along with many people. He was younger, pretty lippy, and made fun of people a lot. But for some stupid reason, him and i got along well. I didn't get offended when he made fun of me, i dont know why. maybe i just acknowledge that that was how we was, and that he probably didnt' mean it. I don't think he really meant anythign though... he just seemed to take his jokes a little to far sometimes.
Lets call him JM. I met JM through another friend of mine from when i was still living on campus. The semester after i met him, i found out he had moved into the place i was staying at as well and was living on the floor below me. He made friends pretty quickly but he also seemed to alienate himself from everyone else because of his personality. Everyone said he was annoying, obnoxious and belittling and most of them got sick of him. I do admit he was annoying, he was obnoxious, and he was belittling at times, but the more i hung out with him, the more i realised that there was a good person in him. He's an only child, living away from home - he was younger than me by 2 years, and he didn't really have any other friends or family down here. So he was in a similar position to me.
He used to play poker together, both in real life and on facebook. :-P i remember stayin up heaps late one night, cheating with him on fb poker. we both were at the same table helpin each other out. t'was fun. we were also DOTA buddies.. (warcraft 3 custom map for those who don't know). Another stupid thing we did was play Onimusha 3 for almost 3 days straight. Pretty silly thing to do cos we had hardly no sleep at all and skipped a lot of classes, but it was good, cos we did ending finishing it :-)
I was dissapointed when he told me that he was transferring to a different uni, which was like about 1500km away. the couple of weeks before he left, he was had been busy packing, and sorting things out so we didnt get a chance to hang out much. But on the night before he left, we went to see a movie - 30 days of night (an awesome vampire movie - much better than twilight ;-) ). I thought nothing of it. its what friends do right? we hang out, have fun etc.
The next day though after he left i remember my 'friends' all makin fun of me. saying stuff like "oh how was your date with JM last night?" or "did you guys make out in the movie?" and someone even said "i heard you slept over JM's ;-)".
I can understand if it was said jokingly, but the fact that it seemed like everyone knew about it, and that everyone snickered about and they obviously talked about it while i wasn't there kind of made me feel like they were mocking me a bit.
I don't know whether it was because they all didn't really like JM and were making fun of me to get at him or whether they did think that there were 'other' intentions for the 'personal' time we had together at the movies.
Why do i even care what they say? was i making a big deal out of nothing? I dunno..But i did feel pretty crap after that. A good friend of mine is moving away, and i only got to hang out with him for a while and everyone makes fun of me for doing so.
In the end though, he ended up giving me like everything that he couldn't take back with him - including his Birthday present i bought for him - a poker set. The fact that he didn't give anything to anyone else made me feel good, and that he really did see me as a friend as well.
People are stupid sometimes. It's their loss that they couldn't see past his sometimes in-your-face personality to see the true person. He was a good guy. And im glad i got to see him for what he was. Noone else really bothered to give him the time of day.
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You know, thinking back through all these years of my life, i've found that the people who i was closest to were those people who everyone else thought was 'weird', 'different' or an 'outcast'. The ones who noone else would notice, or would want to give the time of day.
I dont know if thats a good thing or not, but i did make some good friends out of those people, although often shortlived. :-(
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On another note, i unblocked TN today. Not that i was gonna talk to him, i just usually don't really like blocking ppl. I guess im too nice for my own good sometimes. All afternoon and evening I kept my distance from him and didn't start up any coversation. I noticed that he kept signing in and out of his MSN - to get my attention perhaps? i dunno. but i wasn't going to talk to him either way. about half an hour later he msgs me.
not really about anything important though... just about the launch of the ipad on friday.. i could care less. i told him ipads are lame and that i didn't care.
conversation continued... well it wasn't really a conversation. it was him trying to make a conversation and me just making really short sharp comments, that didn't really provoke further conversation. To be honest, i didn't really feel like talking to him. I was still slightly pissed off at what he said to me yesterday, about the world not revolving around me. Well guess what, the world doesnt' revolve around you either.!!! >.<
I briefly mentioned that Nightmare on Elm Street was out and that i was going to see it sometime im free. It wasn't really an invitation or anything - more of a statement. I doubt he'd want to come anyway. None of the people i know would watch a horror movie - apart from JM, noone's ever come with me to see any movie that was the slightest bit 'scary'. And no one i know seems to be into anythign involving adrenaline - we were at a theme park a couple of years back, and when i asked if anyone wanted to go on the tower of terror or the giant drop with me, everyone chickened out. I guess i just dont' have anything in common with anyone i know. TN simply said "ok..."
he then mentioned "The Losers" coming out on Thursday. I googled the trailor and told him that it didnt' really seem very interesting to me. I didnt' really have anythin else to say to him, and i dont' think he really had anythign to say either so we both left it at that. It was a pretty pointless convo... i could have done without it. because all it did was make me angry and pissed off. pissed off that he didn't want to talk to me yesterday and was rude about it, yet today he suddenly wants to make conversation with me... thats just fucked up.
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im such an emo. im finding that im getting really agitated and even small things seem to affect me. My sister got some anti-depressants recently, because she said she was feeling a bit stressed out from work and uni, and also because her bf, (he used to live with us) had moved away for work. so now she only gets to talk to him occasionaly whenever both of them are free.
I don't know if i should, but i was going to take some of those to see if they'd help, but im kind of hesitant because they've had a few negative side effects on her - loss of appetite, inducing vomiting etc. Would i be allowed to take them? I mean im not depressed right? Or am i? I don't know. And even if i were, i probably wouldn't admit it to myself.
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Anyway I've got uni tomorrow so im gonna head to bed. Lookin forward to tomororw because im meeting up with a friend from college that i used to live with. Just gonna grab some lunch or something, then back to class. I haven't seen him in half a year! oh well tomorrow shall be good.
So i'm on msn talking to a friend of mine. TN is online, but i don't talk to him. He messages me first and we strike up a conversation. after like 5 mins he stops replying to what im saying to him.
Me: gahh... ur so annoying
TN: ??
Me:you keep not answering whats up with that? u busy or something?
TN:no. sorry but the world doesn't revolve around you :P ;)
Me:yeah okay.. like i didn't know that already... u could've at least just said that your busy or doin something or not feel like talkin or watever.
At this point i block him.
You know, physical and metal exhaustion can result in some rather disturbing and particularly fucked up dreams. After staying up doing my presentation script, and then waking up early and having to endure that day, I came home so tired and lethargic. I should've had a nap but I decided against it thinking that it'll only fuck up my sleeping patterns. So I killed some time by random youtubing, watching tv and then later on that evening, i was on msn, keeping a friend company - she was feelin really down because it was the 2nd anniversary of her fathers passing. I stayed up just a little to late, and then told her that i had to go because i was about to pass out from tiredness and that i had a full day of uni in the morning.
So crashed on my bed, and fell asleep immediately. And thats when things got weird.
I was in my bed, by myself in the dark. It was eerily quiet - my apartment is near a busy road and railway so there was always the sounds of trains passing by, or cars driving pass or random idiots hooning up the street. But no, it was just silent. Then all of a sudden out of nowhere i hear this piercing scream of what sounded like a young child. I immediately jumped out of bed, startled and a little shaken, but i proceeded out to investigate what it could have been. I open my door, and i see a wispy trail of light pass my door and dissappear into the living room. At this point im getting the chills - something just isn't right. I open the door of the room beside mine, and inside layign on the ground headless in a pool of blood is a little girl.
I'm totally freaked out, my heart is thumping and im breathing excessively fast. For some stupid reason i run out into the living room. In front of me i see a wispy trail. It glows... and then all of a sudden the light becomes really bright and before i knew it, what looked like a exetremley beautiful woman with long dark hair is floating in mid air in front of me, basked in a bright white light. Her legs merge together from the knees down into a wispy tail, somewhat like a genie. She stares at me and we both lock eyes for a moment. Im trembling with fear. Her eyes turn red and just as i break eye contact, she lifts her right arm and swings it. A bright red energy disc forms in her palm and is released, coming right for me.
Im so spooked that i can't say a word let alone scream. As i try to run i realise that i have no control of my body. My legs collapse and i fall down to the ground and the disc narrowly misses me. Im on the ground trembling with my eyes closed, wishing it was all a dream and that someone would come out and help me.
Several moments pass and i open my eyes again and realise that im back in my room on my bed. Im so relieved that it was just a dream. My heart is still beating like a madman and my breathing is still very fast paced but learning that it was just a dream i begin to relax again.
Then i hear some tapping. It starts off as a soft tapping but then gradually becomes louder and louder. I hear a loud thud on my door and the sounds of my door knob turning. I lay there speechless as a shadow moves towards me from the open door. I scramble up off my bed and try and make a run for it, but he lunges at me and we end up wrestling. Im so scared right now and im doing all i can to try and fend myself. Its pure animalistic instinct - trying to survive. I can feel the negative energy in the room, and i can just tell that whatever was in my room wasn't from the human realm - maybe in human form, but defintely not human energy.
I know my attempts are futile and that Im not going to get away, so I break down and overwhelmed with emtions of fear, anger and sadness, i retreat back to the corner and wait for what was coming my way. At that point he seemed to back off as well, and the shadow that was cloaking him suddenly lifted and i see this man standing in front of me. My fear subsides, and a feeling of attraction towards him builds up inside me. He moves closer to me and reaches out. I reach out and grab his hand with mine, and he pulls me in towards him and wraps his arms around me, gripping me tightly. We stay in that position for a moment. As fucked up as it sounds i was actually getting turned on. He lets go of me momentarily and walks around me and again puts his arms around me, but this time, with one hand on my crotch. It feels soo good. I reach around and feel up his bulge, and then I move my hand down the waistband of his jeans and feel his big thick piece in my hand.
Pure sexual energy. I've never felt so good. However as quickly as it appeared, it started to dissolve away just as quickly. The warmth and security of his arms around me reverted back to cold and empty. I find myself alone in my room again. My heart is pounding, and my breathing remains heavy. I hear some voices outside my door, but i can't pick up what is being said. I glace up and in the doorway, stands my brother. I turn away feeling guilt and shame and when i turn back, he's gone.
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And then i woke up.
Alone. By myself. In my room. Noone is home, im assuming my housemates have gone to uni. And then i look at the clock and its almost 11am. I didnt end up going to uni today, I had slept in and i wasn't really in to mood to do anything.
That dream really freaked me out. It was just so graphic - it wasn't just the sights, and sounds - there was another element to it, that i just can't explain. You have to 'feel' it.
I have a lot of dreams like this. Unlike most other people, the dreams i have are never about what i did recently, about my friends, nor about what im going to do in the future. It's either I don't dream at all or have really complex, random, graphic, violent and psychotic dreams. It's really disturbing, and reassures me of how messed up I am.
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ps... TN is a fuckhead.
:-P
So the presentation today went averagely (is that even a word?) okay i guess. It almost turned bad though. I was up until 3am in the morning preparing the script for the presentation, making sure that everyones parts linked in and that it all flowed, seeing as we all had written our parts separately without consultation from each other. I had emailed it out to the other group members and let them know that if they wished to make ammendments then they'd have to get the changes to me before 10am the next day.
So then comes 9:50am and im thinking sweet everythign should be fine as i haven't received an email from anyone else so im good to print. 5o pages later (10 double sided pages per script) i have a nice stack of scripts in my hand and im feeling rather chuffed about my hard work the night before.
I get to uni and theres 4 of us, apparently the 5th member doesn't get off work yet. so we do a quick rehearsal and run through and it all goes smoothly. 2 of the members run off to a class before the presetation and the 5th member shows up.
I give her the script and tell her to have a read through it to make sure she's familiar. But when handing it to her, she says "oh i've already got one" which she clearly doesn't. She only had her notes that she emailed me the night before. The other group member tells her that its better if she uses the updated script because things have been change. she agrees
And you know what she does? when it came to her part she completely disregards the script and just says a whole heap of stuff off the top of her head. Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK! she completed screwed everyone over because what she talked about had nothign to do with the issue at hand. And some of the stuff that was supposed to be mentioned later she talked about early and some of the stuff she was supposed to talk about she didn't mention...
i actually had to do a few of her lines that she didn't do as they lead onto a direct question that was going to be asked to another member.
urgghh....i spend all that time doing the stupid script and she thinks shes too good to use it.
Im just so glad that the other members and i were able to go into damage control and somehow talk our way out of the mess she'd gotten us into.
Its over now at least.. wont get the results back until the week after next. hope we did ok.
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On the way to uni this morning, i bumped into my old housemate. I actually haven't seen him for a bit over half a year so i was really glad i met him today. We talked about current issues with uni and whinged about how our exam timetables sucked haha.. it was like old times. We're meeting up for lunch next week so should be good.
Hello the emptiness that is my blog :-)
Don't really have anything to write about to be honest... things are pretty average.. got a group presentation on wednesday and i haven't really done much. Neither have any of my group members. its such a dysfunctional group seriously. Probalby the worst group i've ever had during my time at uni. Its not that the members are particularly bad to work with, its just that there doesn't seem to be a time in which everyone is free to meet up for discussions and work on the presentation. I hope it goes alright.
Oh you'd never guess what happened today.
TN actually IM'd me first on MSN haha... after a bit of random chat this is what he says:
TN: hey where is the palace cinemas?
Me:i have no idea. never heard of it
TN: i think its in the city. 39 james street the valley. i've got 2 for 1 tickets. maybe we should go watch something :D *just you and me ;)
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I had a dream last night.. it was pretty fucked up. it wasn't really that clear but from what i could make out, it was a massive train accident - dead people everywhere, blood, gore etc... it was pretty horrifying. Then i was at a cemetery, presumably at a funeral of some sort.
After that i find myself in my bedroom, with mum telling me that she just couldn't understand that i wasn't into girls. And then dad says to me that his son is not gay. and that if i was, then i wasn't his son, and that he would refuse to acknowledge me as part of the family at all..to him i was simply an outsider.
And then i woke up.
I hope this doesnt turn out to be reality.
So i was bored at uni during my break so i downloaded a bunch of hot half naked girly pics to my phone to use as wallpapers. Although i don't really talk to TN that much anymore, from past conversations, I did figure that he had a thing for blonde girls.. well at least thats what he conveyed anyway... so i sent him a pic through multimedia message. Didn't get a response....
Later on that night, i signed into my msn and the first thing that pops up on my screen is his IM window with "WTH???" I reply with "????". "What the hell was with that picture you sent?" "Oh just a pic i thought you might like :-)"......."right..."
"I got another one that i think you might like :-P".......*sends TN a pic of a hot blonnde girl in a wet tshirt*....."no thanks".."too late already sent".............."QUIT IT!!!"
then he stops talking to me on msn..
and im like OMFG like WTF!!! What kind of guy would NOT like hot girly pics? seriously!!! If my mates sent me hot girly pics, i wouldn't tell them to stop!!
:-P all the while though, i so wanted to say "oh so girls aren't your thing eh? ;-)"
haha...
You know what really annoys me? People who walk really slow. I hate being stuck behind slow walking people at uni. arrghhh... its like OMFG can you hurry the F*** up already. Its probably not their fault though. I just walk faster than everyone else...
I also hate it when people don't stick to the left of the sidewalk. Every day I walk through uni, i have to constantly scan 10m ahead of me. Anticipating the direction in which people coming my way are going to move in, and altering my own course of travel in order to avoid walking into them. All while having to navigate my way round slow walking people of course.
:-) Although annoying, its amusing sometimes. Its like a game. Sometimes i get it right, sometimes i don't. ahh well...
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On the topic of walking, i recall back in highschool, these girls used to call me SM - acronym for Super Model. Because apparently i walked like a model. I dont know whether that was a good thing or a bad thing, but it really did make me feel really self-conscious - to the point that i'd think about every single step i took, in an attempt to make my walk not so 'model-like'. It got to the point where sometimes i'd trip over because i'd forget to take a step. Things like walking should come naturally and you shouldn't have to think about it, but being called super model just made me really insecure about myself. It actually took me almost 2 years to get over it and learn to walk naturally without thought again.
And for the record, i wasn't friends with those girls. In fact, i didn't really even know them. They were from other form classes so i didn't really socialise with them, but i would see them looking at me, hear things going around. It kinda sucked cos it was like people were talking behind my back all the time. I guess this was somewhat where my insecurities began....
Gah.. i hate not being able to fall asleep. Its not that im not tired. i just can't seem to switch my brain off for some reason. Its really frustrating because the next day more often then not, i'd be fallin asleep in class or just not having the energy to do anything.
Please go away insomnia, I don't need you in my life at the moment.
Yeah, i know :-) but it was signing in and out for a reason!! To get your attention.. and yeah i guess it worked!
You know, you make me happy when i talk to you. You somewhat fill that void inside me, that emptiness thats always there. But i don't get you sometimes. Why do you ignore me all the time, when clearly i know that you are there. Do i really annoy you that much that you don't want to talk to me unless YOU feel like it? Is it so crazy that I want your company that badly that i have to do stupid things to get your attention just so I can have someone to talk to?
You're probably not worth it, but sometimes i feel so insecure and worthless, and think that im not good enough to have anyone else's friendship. Like seriously, who'd want to be my friend? What do i have to offer? Im pretty much a nobody. Maybe subconsciously i dont think im good enough, and downplay myself so that i don't attract attention to the aspects of myself that i don't feel 100% about. I seek peoples approval. Perhaps its a fear of rejection?
So you see, what it basically means is that when you talk to me, its like getting your approval that im not so worthless, and that i do have some sort of merit as a person. But then when you decide to ignore me again, its like handing a lolly to a baby, and then stealing it back off of it. It really does cut me up inside.
I feel so crazy that im even making any of this into any sort of a deal. I feel like this issue is so petty, yet why do i get so emotional over it.
I think i might be blurring the lines between a "Friend" and "Boyfriend". See, I never intended for you to be anything more than a "Friend" but on that same token, in my mind, i secretly wanted you to be my "Best Friend". A "Best Friend" that i've never had. Someone i could share secrets with, hang out with and just do normal things that good friends do. But just you and me. Something stupid and clique like in the movies. Maybe the reason im getting so cut up over this whole issue is that my wanting a best friend is somewhat merging into me wanting a partner - e.g BF/GF type thing. I've never had a girlfriend before much less a boyfriend, so i guess i've never gotten to experience this type of relationship before so me wanting a best friend type relationship with you is somewhat unintentionally turning into me wanting you to be my boyfriend. Its confusing...
On the issue of friends, i don't really feel comfortable in big groups. i subconsciously put on a 'front' when im around a large group of people. Maybe its to show that im 'okay' - that there is no apparent 'weakness'. I use this front so i dont feel vulnerable. Which in reality, i do. These people, although i know OF them and they know OF me, i don't feel anyone really KNOWS me. and i don't KNOW these people. I feel like i don't belong.
When we talk, i don't feel so insecure and vulnerable. I feel that i don't have to put up this front. I can be who i really am without feeling any sort of guilt or shame or embarrassment.
Why do i feel this way with you? Well i've thought about it - and it may sound pretty untasteful, but i think that you're really nothing too special either, so in a sense i feel like an equal with you. Whereas with everyone else i feel inferior. I don't know why though. Maybe its fear of rejection. fear of humiliation, embarrassment, fear of always being substandard,...i don't know. Im kinda lost for words and i don't really know how to convey what i feel.
I really just needed to get this off my chest. I know you'll never read this, but secretly im wishing that you do, so you have some sort of insight into what im going through.
Should i just ask you why you don't respond to me? or is that too direct? Maybe you'll just ignore me even more. I don't know...
Ps.... i wish i had a close friend to whom i could just TALK to without feeling resentment, embarassment or guilt. I thought i had one a while ago, but after spillin my guts to him one time, he goes and blabbers it all to some other people ..."omg i had to sit through his bla bla deep and meaningfuls bla bla bla his life sotry bla bla bla.."
prick...
Don't you just hate it when you say that you'll "do it" tomorrow, but then when tomorrow comes you just couldn't be assed doing what you were supposed to have done yesterday?
Thats exactly how i am with my uni study. I've been putting it off since Friday.
I ask myself.. why don't you just do the damn work already? I don't know. Maybe because its boring and i just dont want to. But maybe theres something more to it.
I feel like my whole degree has been pretty pointless. Its been mainly theory and essay writing and researching. Nothing has ever really been practical. And i guess thats why i find myself not really relating to well to my studies as im more of a 'doer'. I like practical things and i like keeping myself busing DOING things and seeing results. Give me some electronic device to pull apart and I'd pull it apart and put it back together in an instant. Give me something broken to try to fix, and i'll do it. Heck i even tried soldiering broken contacts in my old monitor with a clothes iron! But tell me to sit down and do some study and rest assured a week can go by and i'd still not have it done.
It really bothers me that i feel this way towards my studies. Im beginning to think that this isnt' really what i want to do. If i could go back in time and change what degree i was going to study, i'd probably do either architecture, industrial design or graphic design/multimedia/photography. Its too late to be thinking about that stuff now though, because im already in my last year of my 5 year business degree.
very disheartening to learn that you know longer have any interest in what you're studying.
Another reasons for me not wanting to do my study that i've conjured up is:
- Im so desperately just wanting to do something with someone that i just sit here all day thinking about things i COULD be doing with SOMEONE else that i just don't do any work.
You know, its pretty silly that i think that, because when i do get invited out by friends, i don't really want to go. - i should probably explain my reason for this in more detail but i'll explain this bit in a different post.
*sigh*
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In other news I was chatting with TN on msn before. I really like him yet he really annoys the hell out of me. When we talk, its always gotta be about something. Most of the times its about mobile phones, android, various isp's and how they suck etc or something he's found on whirlpool forums. Which is okay but sometimes it gets boring. Sometimes i really don't care what the latest revision of firmware he's just downloaded to his phone includes that the old version didn't. I just want to talk to him. See how his day has been. Have him ask me how I've been. But no.. He's never asked me how i've been. Its always me askin him. And then he'd just reply with some short response that took him a whole 2 secs to think up. Something like "yeh good. u?". And then he'll change the subject. urgh..
Seriously i thought i was pretty socially retarded, but he seems a bit worse off. Or maybe he just doesn't want to talk to me. I feel like thats the main reason sometimes. Im becoming too attached to TN. He's probably one of the only reason i go on MSN anymore really.
I got invited out tonight, not sure whats happening though. Will let you know next time i update.
Well continuing on from the last post, I had an awesome day that day. There were a few niggles which annoyed me, but apart from that, the positive experiences that day far outweighed the negatives.
That weekend, we had planned to go to Stradbroke Island (an island about 1.5hours southeast of Brisbane) for a camping trip. But those plans were disrupted when i realised that I had an exam that Saturday. Yeah i know, the exam timetables have been out for yonks, but I really didn't want to think about it and assumed the exam was either at 8am or 9am like my other exams. But it wasn't. It was at 12pm. So that would mean i wouldn't be back until around 2pm. Which my friends thought were a bit too late to go.
So we settled on just a day out. Which was fair enough. Better a day out than nothing at all. Plans were made and we had set the time to meet each other at Roma st station in the city at 7.30am to catch the 7.49am train out. Me being quite the punctual one, and having a phobia of being late, i left home at 6.40am, thinking that everyone else would have been mindful of when we were supposed to meet.
So I get there just a bit before 7.30. Noone is there yet. So i sit a while. Its now 7.49 and the train is here, but I still haven't seen my friends yet. Then i get a call. They're running late and have missed their train in. >.< gahhh.. so we now have to wait an hour for the next one.. Good on you guys!!! I can see your so totally prepared and organised. meh whatever.. They finally got here a few minutes later. I guess their being late was good for me in the sense that i was able to go to maccas to grab a bite to eat, since i didn't have breakfast.
So after food, train came and we headed out. My FUCKING god, that train trip was long....an hour!!! geez i seriously think even the train down to the gold coast was quicker.
Oh one embarrasing thing i forget to mention.. haha... well while at the platform waiting for the train, i was thinking about him..lets call him TN. TN is this guy I met from a car club. Although not the best lookin guy, he's kinda cute and we get along pretty well. He makes me happy when we talk. But he seems to only talk to me when he wants. Kind of like im only his friend when he feels like it. Anyway i had invited him to come along, but he didn't want to... blah.. he never comes to anything i invite him to.
continuing on... i was thinking about him. and for some silly reason my mind wandered and i ended up with a hard-on....(yeh if u don't already know, im a homo... yeh whatever.. big deal...nah seriously i don't really know what i am.. im still in questioning. im emotionally confused - which is partly why i created this blog so that i could open up my feelings instead of bottling them up).. just as the train came... urgh.. i was wearing really thin board shorts too so i had a prominent bulge. Luckily i had my bag with me, which i put infront of myself to cover it up. glad noone noticed.. i've heard of morning wood.. but this is ridiculous.. especially in public.. haha
Cutting things short, saw a cute boy on the train.. (refer to previous post), 1 hour later caught a bus to the ferry terminal and then a 30min boat ride later, we were there on Straddy. It was raining which annoyed me because i didn't come here for it to rain on me. Then got on another bus (which the bus driver was quite rude!) and headed out to the main beach and lookout area.
Surprisingly when we got there the rain had passed and it was a beautiful sunny day. We did the whole touristy gorge walk and taking photos etc. Then after that we decided to get some lunch. There were 4 of us, and we were all hungry. Except 2 of them, lets call them MK and MI were very undecided on what they wanted... OMFG there was only two options! a fish and chip store, or a bakery... how the F can u still be undecided? Frustrated and hungry we walked around for a bit, until i told my other friend, AB that i'm just gonna go order some fish and chips regardless of what MK and MI want to do because i was epically hungry. He said he agreed and said he'd order with me cos he was hungry too. MK and MI finally came to their senses and followed on with us and made their order. Apart from that no other dramas.. the food was pretty good.
We now decided that we wanted to go to the beach, so a bus ride later, we got to the main swimming beach, Cylinder beach.. at first i thought it was pretty ugly. But the longer i stayed there, the more i started to appreciate beautiful it really was. I hated salt water, and had initially said that i wasnt going to swim. I also said i wasn't going to take my shirt off because i didn't want to be burnt to a crisp. a bit of convincing later, there i was shirtless and in the water.
I have to say though, WOW. Im glad they did get me in the water. It was so beautiful. The water was crystal clear, water termperature was perfect and even 100m out i could still stand up - heck even the salt water wasn't as salty as i thought it would have been. I stayed in the water for a couple of hours, and then we came out to relax on the sand for a bit. MI and I made marine creatures out of sand. While AB and MK played some beach soccer with some brazilian guys we had met doing the gorge walk. :-)mm eyecandy... a few of them wore nothing but skimpy trunks which didn't really leave much to the imagination.
MI and I decided to go back into the water. We stayed there until eventually the beach closed. We got changed and got eaten by mosquitoes as we waited for the bus back to the ferry. about 2 hours later we were back in brissy and went to a cheap restaurant for dinner. I wanted to go to pancake manor after that for dessert but noone else wanted to so we all just disbanded and went home. Kind of dissapointed but i was so tired at that stage that i didn't really care.
Anyway all in all, it was an amazing day. I gained a great appreciation of the beach and of the ocean, plus i got to stare at quite a few hotties. The only thing i keep wondering is how much better the day would have been if TN had come along.
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Today though was a pretty ordinary day. 5 Hours of uni straight.. urgh.
In between classes, i went into the toilet to take a leak, and caught two guys playing with each other.. :-) *dirty thoughts* haha.
Had an amazing day today. I gained a new appreciation of something I thought I'd never like.
I also saw a cute boy on the train today. I really wanted to stare at him, but I was too afraid to look him in the eyes in case he saw me. So i looked at his reflection in the window. It made me happy.
Im heaps tired now so you'll just have to wait until I have the energy to write more about my day.
You know, its interesting to go back in time. To recall past events and situations. How you dealt with them. How they came about. How they could have gone, had you changed your actions. Its really quite nostalgic.
But is it really worth reminiscing about the past? Thats what it is - the past is the past, and theres nothing i can do to change it. So why bother even bringing it up or 'digging up old bones' so to speak. Maybe its because what's happened in the past, has shaped the present. What i am now is a direct result of what things that have been forged in the past. So if this is true, then if there was some way to go back in time and change things, I would be a different person?
Maybe i should just learn to let go of whats already gone. I should have the courage to look forward, and forge a new beginning.
The clock is ticking, and my exam is looming so I had better go. Wish me luck. Actually don't. If i don't do well then its my own fault for not studying hard enough.
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