Empty Spaces

Yeah, i know :-) but it was signing in and out for a reason!! To get your attention.. and yeah i guess it worked!

You know, you make me happy when i talk to you. You somewhat fill that void inside me, that emptiness thats always there. But i don't get you sometimes. Why do you ignore me all the time, when clearly i know that you are there. Do i really annoy you that much that you don't want to talk to me unless YOU feel like it? Is it so crazy that I want your company that badly that i have to do stupid things to get your attention just so I can have someone to talk to?

You're probably not worth it, but sometimes i feel so insecure and worthless, and think that im not good enough to have anyone else's friendship. Like seriously, who'd want to be my friend? What do i have to offer? Im pretty much a nobody. Maybe subconsciously i dont think im good enough, and downplay myself so that i don't attract attention to the aspects of myself that i don't feel 100% about. I seek peoples approval. Perhaps its a fear of rejection?

So you see, what it basically means is that when you talk to me, its like getting your approval that im not so worthless, and that i do have some sort of merit as a person. But then when you decide to ignore me again, its like handing a lolly to a baby, and then stealing it back off of it. It really does cut me up inside.

I feel so crazy that im even making any of this into any sort of a deal. I feel like this issue is so petty, yet why do i get so emotional over it.

I think i might be blurring the lines between a "Friend" and "Boyfriend". See, I never intended for you to be anything more than a "Friend" but on that same token, in my mind, i secretly wanted you to be my "Best Friend". A "Best Friend" that i've never had. Someone i could share secrets with, hang out with and just do normal things that good friends do. But just you and me. Something stupid and clique like in the movies. Maybe the reason im getting so cut up over this whole issue is that my wanting a best friend is somewhat merging into me wanting a partner - e.g BF/GF type thing. I've never had a girlfriend before much less a boyfriend, so i guess i've never gotten to experience this type of relationship before so me wanting a best friend type relationship with you is somewhat unintentionally turning into me wanting you to be my boyfriend. Its confusing...


On the issue of friends, i don't really feel comfortable in big groups. i subconsciously put on a 'front' when im around a large group of people. Maybe its to show that im 'okay' - that there is no apparent 'weakness'. I use this front so i dont feel vulnerable. Which in reality, i do. These people, although i know OF them and they know OF me, i don't feel anyone really KNOWS me. and i don't KNOW these people. I feel like i don't belong.

When we talk, i don't feel so insecure and vulnerable. I feel that i don't have to put up this front. I can be who i really am without feeling any sort of guilt or shame or embarrassment.

Why do i feel this way with you? Well i've thought about it - and it may sound pretty untasteful, but i think that you're really nothing too special either, so in a sense i feel like an equal with you. Whereas with everyone else i feel inferior. I don't know why though. Maybe its fear of rejection. fear of humiliation, embarrassment, fear of always being substandard,...i don't know. Im kinda lost for words and i don't really know how to convey what i feel.

I really just needed to get this off my chest. I know you'll never read this, but secretly im wishing that you do, so you have some sort of insight into what im going through.

Should i just ask you why you don't respond to me? or is that too direct? Maybe you'll just ignore me even more. I don't know...

Ps.... i wish i had a close friend to whom i could just TALK to without feeling resentment, embarassment or guilt. I thought i had one a while ago, but after spillin my guts to him one time, he goes and blabbers it all to some other people ..."omg i had to sit through his bla bla deep and meaningfuls bla bla bla his life sotry bla bla bla.."

prick...