Empty Spaces

We're getting a new phone line connected in our apartment. Apparently it has already been activated but there's no dial tone coming through, so I rang up Telstra and they told me that they'll send out a technician. Noone else is free today, so I skipped my classes so that there'd be someone around when the technician arrives.

So the situation is, my housemates are all out of the house and wont be back until later tonight, and im just sitting around waiting for the technician to come.

A while late he shows up and i let him in, and he gets to work. Since i had nothing else to do i sat around watching him work on the line.

I think he may have noticed me watching and then turns around, smiles and says, "you like what you see don't you?". He gets up and walks towards me and before i could say or do anything he pulls me towards him and starts kissing me. I was surprised at first, but then i got into it as well. We caressed each other and eventually we were both down to just our underwear. At this point i hear the door open and the technicians younger apprentice (around my age) walks in and has a sheepish grin on his face. But to my surprise he takes off his shirt and pants and walks towards me and starts grinding with me.

So there i am, in the living room, with two hot guys, one older and one younger fooling around. Things start getting hot and i find myself being bottom for the younger tech while giving head to the older tech.

Then all of a sudden my MUM walks in the door and screams. "What the hell is going on here!"

We all just froze and then panicked. I grabbed whatever clothes i could and just tried to cover myself up as good as i could, while the two techs grabbed their gear and ran out to their van - all the while mum is standing there speechless.

I've never been so embarrassed, guilty or felt so much shame in my entire life. At that point i didn't feel like living at all - if there had been a cliff close by i think i may have jumped off.

"I can't believe you! How could you! How could you do this to us! Say something! Im your mother!!" she scolds me.

I'm completely speechless and the only thing i can do is cry. Im naked in my living room, only covered with whatever clothes i could grab at the time. I sit there in complete misery and feeling like such an idiot for letting this happen.

She continues with her speel, letting me know how much of an ebarrasment i am to her, and how i've brought shame upon the family and that she never intended for me to turn out this way and if she had known she would never have given birth to me.

All i could say was that i was sorry. The last thing she said to me was that she wishes i could give back all the loving and care that she'd ever given me, because i wasn't worthy of any of it. At this point she storms out.

That was probably the lowest i had ever been in my entire life. To be told by your own mother that you were worthless and was nothing more than an embarrassment to the family. I wanted to die. I wanted to just fade away into the darkness. I sat there, alone and naked, crying at myself - about how i probably was worthless, and an embarrassment, and how i had let my family down.

Then i woke up - with tears down my face literally - i had been crying in my sleep. I was fucking relieved when i realised that i had dreamed up the entire moment. But what really shocked me the most was how mum had been portrayed in my dream - honestly in my heart i really thought if i ever were to come out, mum would be the most supportive. But she was the complete opposite of that.

I guess this dream also may have stemmed from my fear of unintentionally being outed to my friends and family.

Something similar has happened in the past. I haven't told anyone about it though :-( its pretty personal and really embarassing for me. I had some gay porn on my phone, like full on hardcore vids. I usually had it on a separate memory card which i stored behind the back cover of my phone but i had forgotten to take it out and replace it with my regular memory card. I was outside washin the car and i had my phone on the dining table.

Later on i hear some laughing coming from inside, so i go in, only to find that my little brother has my phone in his hand, with gay porn playing. I grab the phone off him and yell "what the hell are you doing with my phone!" and he replies "are you gay? im gonna tell on you" and runs off into his bedroom. I turn my phone off and go back to washing the car.

Later when my parents are back, sure enough my little brother spills it to them. And the little bastard actually took my memory card from my phone and put it into his to show the 'evidence'.

I tried to cover myself by saying that some idiot guys sent it to me at uni - that people at lectures randomly send out crap like that as jokes through bluetooth to any device that has their bluetooth on. And besides, if i were gay, why would i leave my phone on, in the dining room, for anyone to access?

They were partially convinced, and never spoke of it after that. But when i flew back down to study after the break, my sister asked me several times whether i was gay or not, and that dad really wanted to know. WTF if dad wanted to know why didn't he just call me instead? why does he have to call you to ask me?

It really annoyed me, she hounded me for a while and made fun of me for having gay porn on my phone. I denied it all, but seriously it really affected me whenever she mentioned it. She even mentions it amongst her friends - its like she doesn't realise how much embarrassment it places on me. And the ironic thing is that although i've denied being gay and such, i probably am gay. so everytime she brings it up, it makes me feel really bad. And i can't do anythign about it because then it pretty much contradicts what i've told her earlier. Her way of putting it is if your not gay, then why are you embarrassed about it? You said it was sent to you as a joke right?

True story re: the gay porn on the phone. Stupid nokia and not having passwords on entering the filebrowser - this is why i stick with samsung phones. you can password protect pretty much everything.

Although noone talks about it now, im pretty sure my little brother KNOWS im gay. Everytime im home he'll put in little gay innuendos whenever he talks to me. My sister asked mum "what would u do if he WAS really gay?" and apparently mum said "...it's up to him". I overheard that conversation.. they didn't think i was there.

But still, i think most of my family are all pretty homophobic because they say some really terrible stuff towards gay people. Especially my brother and dad. My sister and her bf makes fun of gay people all the time as well. It makes me feel really bad, and just further reinforces my decision NOT to come out at all.

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So news in life....

yesterday was stupid. The friend i was supposed to meet with didn't end up coming because he said he was really behind in study for an exam he has. I had two classes that day with a 2 hour break in between, where we were sposed to have hung out. instead i sat in the library after my first class. In a last minute decision, i decided that i didn't want to stay for the last class, so i went to the bus stop, only to have JUST missed the bus. I was so pissed off because the next bus would arrive the same time my last class started. I wasn't really in the mood for class anymore so i sat there and waited

Got home later and just crashed in my room.