Empty Spaces

I used to get really frustrated when I used to talk to random guys online. We'd chat and they'd ask me whether I was gay or not. And usually I'd tell them that im either not sure, or that I liked both. And more often then not, I'd then get asked what it is that turns me on or what it is that i think of by default - (being blunt) dick or pussy. My answer used to be that it doesn't matter because sex is sex and to me it wouldn't matter who it was with because sexual pleasure is sexual pleasure regardless of race, gender, or oriface. I told them that I'm attracted to people, not gender or certain characteristics. And then the most common outcome of the conversation would be that the other person tells me that I'm living a lie. It used to frustrate me so much. It annoyed the heck out of me, when people assumed that i was 'living a lie' without even knowing me.

But now, I think I'm beginning to understand what those people meant. Im realising that it wasn't just an empty insult or generalisation. The more i begin to accept it in myself that this is the way i am, the more im beginning to become unhappy when I realise that I am infact living a double life. Hiding my true self from the rest of the world under the disguise of the front i put forward in my everyday life. The whole 'liking other guys' thing, yeah i know that its really not anyones business but my own, and that i dont need to actively preach it to people, but at the same time I just want to be able to just live, express myself, my thoughts, emotions, opinions etc without having to do a double take, without having to screen everythign I do or say just incase someone 'finds out'.

I used to be so discreet whenever I used to look at other guys. But now Its almost as if I've forgotten i need to be discrete. I just look at other guys the same way straight guys look at girls. It just comes naturally. And then i have to remind myself that its not acceptable for me to be the way i amm and do the things i do.

The more accepting I become of my true self, the more i realise that certain things that used to make me feel awkward, i've become a lot more comfortable with. A lot of things that i used to repress now just seem to come naturally. Which makes me afraid that I might let it slip - let my guard down, whenever im with people who dont know about me. My friends, my family. I have to be cautious and careful and be ever vigilant and watch what i say and what i do. But its because of this that Im starting to feel unhappy, starting to really understand what it means to 'live a lie'. Noone really knows the true me. To live a lie, isnt' to live, lying to other people. Its to live, lying to yourself. You can lie to other people and not feel a thing. But the moment you lie to yourself, and you realise you are lying to yourself, is when you feel the pain and hurt you're causing yourself.

Another thing that seems to be really getting on my nerves and annoying me is when I hear people using the term 'fag' as an insult and using the term 'gay' to mean 'stupid'. I admit, i used to use those words as insults all the time. But slowly without me even consciously trying, those words have been removed from my vocabulary. As i come to terms with myself, I begin to internalise those insults. All of a sudden, those insults seem to be referring to me. I'm the 'fag' they're talking about. I'm the 'gay' that everyone seems to be describing things with. I realise that most of the time, people just say those words without even thinking and with no real homophobic intentions. Yet for somereason, it still hurts everytime I hear them. Because now, those words, those insults seem to equate to me.

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I feel like im drifting further and further apart from reality. I feel as if i can't go on with life any further, as the further i travel along this path, the further away i get from my true intended course of travel. I have this deep insatiable longing for this 'other' person. I feel a great sense of loneliness. A huge hole inside of me that i need filled. I just want someone to KNOW me. I seem to have trust issues. I find it very hard to trust anyone enough to let them know about me. There is so much about me that noone knows.

Im in a huge crowd of people, and Im looking around, just wishing and hoping that someone would look back at me.