How to Arrange Everything inside a Big Closet?
8 years ago
I really do think my insomnia is getting worse and worse. The moment I slip under the covers of my bed, and rest my head on my pillow, its like all of a sudden I have this massive rush of blood to my head and I literally feel like my head is about to explode. I just feel so tense all the time, as if I have all this pressure building up within my head. It doesn't matter how tired I can be beforehand, but the moment I try to close my eyes to sleep, I simply can't.
Everytime I close my eyes, a million thoughts, feelings and emotions come rushing into my head. Not a single thought in particular, but just a whole jumble of everythign and anything. It doesn't make any sense at all. The only realy way i can describe it is an entire stack of documents just being flung up into the air, and watching it scatter everywhere as it falls back down to the ground. Except in my head, these thoughts and feelings dont fall to the ground. They stay there, suspended in mid air.
My mind is so clouded, I can't think straight at all. I can't make logical or rational decisions. I feel like i dont know what is right or wrong anymore.
Within this jumble in my head, lies something extremely personal, dark, humiliating and something that I am so ashamed, embarrassed and guilty about. I keep thinking that its really nothing, and that I haven't at all been much affected by it. But truth is, this very thing has plagued my mind ever since, and has changed who I am and my personality and how i behave in a significant way.
I may or may not have told anyone. I may or may not have tweaked the truth. But it lingers inside me, eating away at my sanity. This big dark shadow in my mind. I can't get it away from me.
I just want to come clean. I want to dispel these demons. I keep thinking that if i pretend that it never happened or if i just ignore it that it will go away. But it doesn't. The darkness just grows and grows in my mind.
I want to just let it out. And learn to let it go. But im afraid. And ashamed. And humiliated by it.
The Darkness In My Mind
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
If getting it out would help you sleep, then let it out. One thing is for sure: Here in the blogworld, there is no judgement, just support and friendship. I've opened up to a lot of things in my blog that I thought I'd never tell anyone, but quite frankly, just writing the words and hitting the Publish button, did worlds to clear my head, which I was
"keeping under control" with alcohol so I could "sleep". But the "sleep" came at a price - it was never "good sleep" and I'd wake up several times a night so every morning was a struggle to function. No one ever judged me for letting it out, they all supported my decision to let it go, and it did.
This is just my experience, but this post tells me you want to get it out there. I think that sometimes, facing the badness in at least a semi-public way (remember, none of us "know" who you are even while we truly are friends here), helps so much.
Also, your therapist needs to know about this. It could be a breakthrough moment for you. Something that affects you like this could esaily be a crux upon which all the rest is being supported. Knock it down, and who knows, the whole world may suddenly look rosy! And you need some rosy!
We're here for you. There's probably little you can say that most of us haven't heard before. A friend told me the other night, after a 3 month absence, that he had tried to kill himself...we chatted a bit about his recovery, and as he was signing off, he said "you know, it felt good to talk about it, to tell someone I wasn't obligated to talk to about it". But he felt the exact same emotions about "spilling the beans" - embarrassment, humiliation, and fear. He'd done the same thing you're doing: hinting around, dropping clues, until I finally asked the question...so I'll ask you...
What happened, dude? Let it out.
Peace <3
Jay
Open your head and heart and let that poison out! If you expose it to the light of day, it will lose most if not all of its teeth, and loose the ability to hurt you so very much.
While space is infinite, our hearts and souls aren't. Yours is being squeezed by this, and its slowly draining you. Come clean, let it out, unburden yourself, let go and trust that after the dust settles life will be at the least no worse and most likely much much better.
Don't keep it bottled up, it is like poison slowly eating you up. You need to talk to someone. The counselor or a close friend. Preferably the counselor then you can get assistance. Nothing is as bad as you may think, that people will not within reason will find what ever it is so bad.
Talk to someone & get help. You will feel like the whole world has lifted off your shoulders. Swallow the pride, it is not worth making yourself ill over.
Please talk to someone :)
Jason
Post a Comment