Empty Spaces

I've been phasing in and out of behaviours of irrationality, apathy and depression these last few weeks. I've stopped taking my medication. I honestly cant remember the last time i took them. And i've also stopped seeing my psychologist.

Theres been a few developments in life recently. I dont know if i've written about this, but I've come out to a few people at work. After Nick, I came out to J. After J, i came out to S, and then D, and just tonight, J revealed it to B.

J, B and D are also gay, so i guess in a way i was slightly more comfortable with letting them in on it.

For a while I felt a bit like Nick and i were becoming a bit distant. With my busy work schedule, lack of sleep and general exhaustion, a lot of small things really affect my mood, causing me to fall in and out of a dark void. Certain things that are said by others, certain actions and behaviours often triggered somethign within me and i'd fall into a depressive spiral.

Thats usually when apathy, carelessness and irrationality begins. I came out to D as a result. I told him one night when we were alone, because I hated the feeling of loneliness that was in me. I just didnt really care and just told him.

J and I have been spending a lot more time with each other since i came out to him.

Im so tired right now that i dont even think straight and write out anything coherently or in any logical order. Im just kind of brain dumping at the moment.

I feel really alone.
I want to have someone of my own.
I feel a great sense of loss when someone who i feel close to becomes what i feel to be distant.
There is a sense of jealousy when someone im close to becomes involved with someone else. I feel like that other person is taking away a part of me.
Maybe im being too clingy.
Perhaps i bond to people too quickly then what they can reciprocate.
Im really messed up right now.

A random guy messaged me on a website where i have a profile, and said they were interested. I asked what their intentions were, and it was purely for no strings attached physical relations. Without too much thought i agreed to it. But now im starting to think i made a wrong choice. What i want, and what that person wants are two different things. But im giving that person what he wants, in the hopes that i'd get what i want back.

Im starting to worry that im falling back into the same situation as what happened more than 2 years ago. As much as i wish i was, I am still have not gotten over what happened back then, and it still affects me so much today. Everythign from my own self esteem to how i interact with other people.

Im so messed up atm.

I can't gather my thoughts in order to be able to write a structured blog post so im just going to leave it at this.

I just need and want someone so badly. I can't shake this feeling.