Empty Spaces

So...as it stands at the moment, i don't think that my life has gotten any clearer or meaningful. Reflecting on my situation I just know for sure that sooner or later my life is going to come to a screeching halt, and I'm not going to know what to do about it. Things haven't gotten any less confusing. I don't know what to do.

There's an overwhelming sense that nothing I see, hear, sense nor touch is real. I can't shake it off. The more I try to think about things, the fuzzier it gets, and it always seems to come to the conclusion that everythign is an illusion. Its getting to the stage now that I am so apathetic to everything, because I feel so strongly inside that I'm really living in a dream world. I have no real emotions. I dont know what true happiness is, and on the same token, I dont think i know what true sadness is either.

I'm increasingly annoyed by little things. I feel so needy, and selfish. It hurts inside to know that I am such a greedy person, and all I ever think about is myself. I write about how i feel all the time, but the truth is, i dont know how i feel. I dont understand myself, nor the world around it. My lack of knowledge and understanding about how i work, and how the world works makes me want to just dissappear. I feel so insignificant. I feel so defeated.

The whole 'coming out' to Charlie thing felt as if it never happened. Technically it didnt really happen because i never 'came out' to him. I just told him that i was questioning myself. And the truth is, even though that may have been the best moment to have ever told him, I was still hesitant to give him any clear answer. I didn't tell him i was gay. I didn't tell him i was straight. I didn't tell him i was bi. I simply said i was questioning myself.

Its not fair... I haven't gotten over EV telling people that i was 'openly gay'. Its not fair because I wasn't given an opportunity to realise myself before anyone else knew. Its not fair that everyone else will know that im 'gay' before i know myself. Its not fair that an image of me has been painted before anyone actually knows what I truly look like. I know its not her fault, but its really really hurting me inside. You might call it a petty issue and that I'm making too much of a big deal out of it, but i really can't stop how i feel about this issue.

Sooner or later my life will come to a halt. I can't sit on the fence for the rest of my life. My indecisiveness will probably be the end of me. Im slowly driving myself insane.

So...getting to know me (40 things about me - i stole this from Ron's blog)

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1. Name? (screen name is fine)
EmptySpaces (Blogger Alias)
Dan (One of a few names that i've called myself in my blog)

2. Are you a boy or girl?
Male

3. How old are you?
22, turning 23 at the end of the year

4. Are you straight, gay, bi or unsure
To be honest i dont know. A bit of everything. This is what is making me crazy. Not knowing what i am or what i want.

5. Whats your favorite color?
I have a natural prefernce for green, but i like all colours.

6. Whats your favorite food?
I dont have one specific favourite. I like change and i like trying new things.

7. If you could choose only one type of food for the rest of you life, what type would it be? (ex. Italian, Chinese, French)
Anything with meat.

8. How tall are you?
165cm. Ever since I was a kid, I've always been the shortest in pretty much anything i've been a part of - primary school, highschool, sports teams etc. I've always felt so insignificant because of it, and I know it doesn't really matter much, but it really has effected my self-confidence. I have body image issues.

9. Hair color?
Black.

10. Whats your favorite movie?
It depends on my mood. Can't really name one atm.

11. Favorite book?
I used to read a lot when i was younger. I mean, i used to read the "Readers Digest" when i was 7. I stopped reading a long time ago. I dont know why. Honestly i dont read books enough to have a favourite. Its sad.

12. Favorite TV show?
Supernatural season 1. Got a few others, but I really liked this series.

13. What are your hobbies?
Doing something. I've always been interested in how things work and just general design and stuff. One time i built a working water pump out of an old tyre tube, PVC pipe, broken broom handle, some sticky tape and a coke bottle. I kind of like everythign, even though im not really good at anythign in particular. I LOVE cars though.

14. What is the #1 thing that grosses you out?
Bugs,insects, reptiles and frogs creep me out. I guess im grossed out by general disgusting stuff.

15. Are you a virgin?
No. Sometimes I wish i was.

16. If no, how far have you gone? (both with boys and girls)
Everything with guys. Nothign with a girl.

17. Are you athletic? What sports?
No. I've always been bad at sports. I've also got smaller than average lungs for my bodysize, which coupled with asthma makes me super bad at anything physical. I do like swimming and tennis. And i wish i was good at soccer and cricket.

18. For guys: How big are you? (you know what I mean... lol) Are you cut or uncut?
I feel inadequate. I know its genetics, but it makes me unhappy sometimes - again body image issues. Im uncut.

19. For girls: Whats your bra size?

20. Are you happy with your size?
as above in question 18

21. Do you like, tolerate or get disgusted when you see an attractive person of the opposite sex?
Im not disgusted at all. I think i get turned on by person in general and not by the gender

22. What do you want to do with your life?
I want to belong.

23. Do you masturbate? how many times a day?
Yeah. Probably too much. I call it procrastibation.

24. Do you have a "special" toy? (again you all know what I mean... lol)
no

25. Have you ever broken a bone or had another serious injury or sickness? Explain.
I had a head injury when i was 6 which knocked me unconscious for a period of time i do not know. I still have the scar on my head.

26. What do you think is your most attractive feature?
I dont think anything about me is attractive.

27. What do you think is your least attractive feature?
Everything

28. If there is one thing in your life you could change, what would that be?
There are so many things i would have liked to change. Things like simple decisions that i made in the past, things that i've done. If I had the choice, i wish i had never been born.

29. Are you in a relationship? explain a little (boy, girl, short term, long term, etc)
Never been in one before. I feel so lonely.

30. When was the last time you got some sexual action? (of any type)
With another person, a while ago. With myself? less than a while ago.

31. Mac or PC?
Head says PC, Heart says Mac

32. Iphone, Blackberry, other PDA, or regular cell phone?
Just a normal phone. Touch screen though, but nothign fancy.

33. Do you have any pets? Which ones?
Im not really an animal person. They creep me out.
I do like fish though. It reminds me of my own life.

34. For gay and bi guys: Are you a top or bottom?
Never really tried topping before.

35. Whats the one thing in your life you are most proud of?
Nothing comes to mind.

36. Where is the weirdest place you masturbated or had sex?
At a park

37. Most number of times you came in a day?
4 or 5 times. can't remember

38. What are you most afraid of?
Being alone.

39. Favorite porn star?
Dont really have one, but i like seeing behind the scenes stuff. It helps to remind me that there is a real person behind the body we see on the screen.

40. Do you have a blog? What is it?
Yes.

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Sometimes I want to get hit by a car or a bus or something. Or just suddenly stop breathing. Or not wake up. Im not suicidal.

I just crave attention. I just want to feel like someone actually cares about me. I just want this all to end.

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I have so much to say but my head is so scrambled i just dont know how to convey my thoughts or feelings.