Empty Spaces

So this day has reared itself around again, and I'm not sure whether or not I should be happy about it. I guess I should start with the positives first. I am happy for today, because I turn 25, 25 years on this glorious planet, 25 years worth of life experiences, friends and relationships, a roller coaster of emotions, and lastly 25 long gruelling years of self discovery. And yet I keep thinking that I still haven't progressed much further from where I initially started. Sometimes I can't help but think that perhaps it would have been better off If i had not have been born at all.

Now onwards we march towards the negatives, donning our suits of shining armour. Today serves to remind me about how much of a failure I am. It reminds me about how my life has come to a screeching halt with absolutely nowhere else to go. After 25 years I still haven't been able to accept and embrace who I am, and learn to love myself. I'm bound down by the chains and shackles of guilt, shame and obligation. Its hard to watch life go on around me. I see people I've known who are my age partnering up, settling down and having families, some progressing further upwards in their careers, people who are financially independent, people who are free to live their lives.

And I look at that, and blow out the candles on my imaginary cake and wish that I had that. I wish I could accept and embrace who I am. I wish I could learn to love myself and stop with the insecurities and self hatred. I wish I didnt have to hide who I am. I need consolidation and closure. I wish I had a partner who I could love sincerely, give all of myself to, and share my life with. I wish for the opportunity for a career in a field I could enjoy. I wish that I could be more financially responsible. I wish I could break free and start living life.

But we all know wishes aren't real. So for today I'll again be alone. Going about doing the same things I do every other day. Fighting back the tears, wiping my eyes dry, and laying back in bed hoping to get some more rest before I have to get up for the day.

This emotional pain is hurting me so much to the point that its now physical pain. And I don't know what to do about it. I feel so alone. I want to reach out so badly to someone, but Im so afraid about what they might think of me. I'm so afraid about how much of a burden I'll be on them.. So i trek it out alone. I just want to be loved. I just want to be held tight, and told that it's going to be alright. A little bit of reassurance. I want out.

Im doing all I can to try and take a step forward. An attempt to move my life forward from this slump. But I'm finding that it is so difficult, and all I feel is anxiousness, fear, doubt and uneasiness. As part of trying to advance from this point, I'm working on several job applications that I will submit soon. However, having been subject to immense negativity, and basically being torn apart and made to feel so low and so worthless by those people around me and by the people I love, I have absolutely no self-esteem, self-worth or self-confidence. Every single detail I state on my CV, I feel is untrue. Every single statement I make, in support of my character and abilities, feels hollow. As a direct result of a constant barrage of personal and emotional attacks, and judgement of my character, I'm led to believe that I am truly unworthy. I am shrouded in doubt and self-deprecation. It makes me physically sick. I am truly at a stage where I genuinely believe that I am nothing. There is nothing good about me, there is nothing of value, and there is absolutely nothing I have to offer anyone. There is a button in front of me, 6 letters, spelling out "SUBMIT". I am terrified beyond belief. I'm sitting here, staring at it. I've become nauseous, and I want to vomit. Thoughts in my head run rampant. A voice in my head repeats all the words that have been used to describe me. "Unaccomplished, worthless, good for nothing, rebellious, ungrateful, inconsiderate, selfish, unsuccessful, lacking, mentally insane, dreamer, failure..." In the end, I close my browser, and justify the decision to myself; "It's going to be alright. You made the right choice. You wouldn't have made it anyway. You don't have what it takes. Better to quit while you're ahead, instead of setting yourself up for failure".

I'm burning up inside, and it hurts more than anyone could imagine. And to think the only thing that I really needed was a little bit of assurance, love and compassion. Something to live for. I have no drive or passion left in me. Emptiness. Life has been taken away from me, and in its place I am chained down to a burden of guilt and responsibility.

Have you wanted to tell someone something so badly that it hurts? But you know that such actions would be futile, and nothing will ever come of it. It cuts so deeply.

Im living in a world of my own. I watch the sands of time deplete. Chained down, I begin to think resistance is futile. I long for a loving embrace. So many things I want. But I seemingly do nothing about. I want, I NEED a reason. Even just a spark, enough to get my fire started. But in this penetrating environment of icy cold darkness, this void, there will be no spark.

I think somewhere along this thing we called life, I have forgotten about how it feels to be happy. I have forgotten HOW to be happy. I am unable to comprehend what happiness is.

Everything that would lead me to what I would believe to be happiness, has been taken away from me, and pulled out of reach. Instead I am given an ultimatum. And so I face a major dilemma.

It's a constant battle everyday against the darkness inside that claws at me. I put on a 'happy' mask to front the world, not really knowing what 'happiness' is or what it's supposed to feel like. Not understanding. Not wanting to reveal the emptiness inside. The pain is unbearable.

I have come to a point in this thing called life, when the only thing I know for certain that I want, and I know for certain would be the quickest way to happiness or what I know of it, is death. The thought swirls in my head. It tempts me. It tells me about how all my suffering can end. It can vanquish all my emotional turmoil. Death disguises itself as happiness, and right now, at this very moment, that is all I want. To be happy.

It's almost 3AM in the morning, and for some godforsaken reason I just can't get to sleep. I'm the most vulnerable when I'm by myself. My mind gets consumed by the thoughts that linger in depths of the shadows. I feel hopelessness and despair. I try to think of every reason as to why I should hold on. Why I should continue. There simply is no light at the end of the tunnel. I see nothing but uncertainty. I'm holding on, for the hope of perhaps one day being able to see some semblance of truth. I'm holding on, so that maybe one day I will understand. That maybe one day I will learn of the reasons of why I held on.

It's just so hard to put on a brave face to those around you, when inside, you're really dying, and in indescribable pain. Yet nobody knows. And they continue on about their business. And life goes on.

It's the same virtually every night. I lay there in my bed, with the lights off, trying to fall asleep. Trying to shut out all these recurring thoughts. And the more I try not to think about things, the more these thoughts embed their parasitic roots into my mind until eventually any sense of logic and rationality give way. I lay there with a huge headache, unable to sleep, with emotions running through my body that I just can't describe with words.

I find it so difficult to want to wake up again and see the morning.

Hello :-) So I thought I'd try something a little bit different today. Yup. The EX-Boyfriend tag. And seeing as he's now an 'EX' I guess I'll be answering the questions for the both of us.

1) Where did we meet?

I remember this well. We met through work. I had been there for about a year before he started working there. And to be honest, if it weren't for him coming up to me and making the first conversation, I probably wouldnt have really had much interaction with him, as we both worked in different departments and had different shifts.

2) Where was our first date?

We never really had an 'official' date of sorts. We just ended up talking, and then just pretty much hanging out with each other like almost every day. I guess our first outing together was probably a work function. We went together and left together.

3) What was your first impression of me?

If I'm honest, the first thing that came to mind was that I thought he was perhaps a little stalkerish, as the first thing he ever said to me was in relation to my facebook account. He knew what my facebook was, and I had no idea who he was. But ok, first impressions were that we had a lot of common interests.

4) When did you meet my family?

I've never actually met his family, as his parents are separated and they don't actually live together under the same roof. But I met his sister for the first time when he had to drop something off to her at work. And we randomly bumped into his dad when we were out getting some food one day.

5) Weird habit of each other?

Ok, I'll answer for him first. I think he probably thinks my weirdest habit is the fact that Im overly concerned with having things 'perfect'. Hmm and for him, I think a weird habit of his is that he talks far too much, so I end up forgetting what it was he's actually talking about

6) How long have we been together?

Hmm well we've known each other now for about a year and four months. But I can't say exactly how long we've been 'together' as the status of our relationship had been pretty murky at best.

7) Do we have any traditions?

I guess the fact that we hung out so much, that it would break from tradition if we went a day without seeing or speaking to each other

8) An animal that resembles one another?

Hmm for this question I think im gonna have to go with what a colleague of mine said about him before we had actually met. It just sticks in my mind now. A work colleague said he reminded them of that show Angry Beavers. lol. Dont know what animal i would be though.

9) What was our first roadtrip?

I think our first roadtrip was probably Australia day. We drove half way up to the Sunshine Coast, and then decided to go back. It wasn't exactly a roadtrip but it was a decent amoutn of time sitting in a car together.

10) First thing you noticed about me?

I think the first thing i noticed about him was his work pants were probably a size or two too big for him. Well esp. in comparison to mine, because i wore slim fit skinnies. Oh and i also didnt expect that he'd be gay. He doesnt look it. But apart from that, i didnt really take notice of much else.

11) What pisses him off?

What pisses him off the most I think is that I dont normally tell him whats upsetting me, and I tell him things are fine when they clearly aren't. What pisses me off about him is that he lacks emotional intelligence and empathy - he doesn't seem to take much notice of how his actions make me feel.

12) Favorite feature about each other?

He has really beautiful eyes. I have ugly eyes. lol. Im just going off what he's told me, but he says that he likes how I'm so 'cool, calm and collected'.

13) What do we argue about the most?

Actually we never really argue. Most of the times we sort of just debate, because sometimes we both have very different opinions on certain issues. The problem was that whereas even though I may not have agreed to his point of view, I still accepted it and agreed to disagree. He always pushed his opinion through and made me feel like my opinion was invalid.

15) Who wears the pants in the relationship?

Well neither of us wore skirts thats for sure.

16) What drink do I order when we go out to eat?

He rarely ordered drinks whenever we went out, and would either go without, or have free water. That was mainly to do with the fact he was really financially tight. I drink more than I eat, so I would always get somethign to drink, usually either flavoured water, juice or anything fruit flavoured.

17) What size of shoe do I wear?

I have no idea what shoe size he wears. I've never actually bothered to find out. Myself I wear size 6-7

18) My favorite kind of sandwich?

He'd probably be okay with anything because he was never really fussy with food. I dont like sandwiches. But if i were to go to subway or something, my fav is Italian BMT.

19) What would I eat everyday if I could?

He'd definitely be able to live off bacon and eggs. Sometimes he says im too fussy with food, as i wont eat the same thing twice in a row.

20) My favorite cereal?

I dont think i've ever seen him eat cereal before. And i don't eat cereal either. Well sometimes I have oats with either honey or mixed berries, but not very often.

21) My favorite kind of music?

He's madly in love with Taylor Swift. He should go marry her. And then they'd break up. And she'd write a song about how he broke her heart. LOL. I listen to anythign with a good beat and melody. I love acoustic tracks, electro house and trance.

22) My favorite sports team?

Was never really a big sports person so I don't really follow sports, and he's the same way as well.

23) What is my eye color?

Oh gosh, i said his most noticeable feature was probalby his eyes, but I dont actually know what color they were. If i can recall, they were a blue/grey colour? Mine are ugly brown.

24) Who is my best friend?

Oh im not sure if he had a single best friend, but one of his closest friends was a girl we also worked with, and thats how he found my Facebook.

25) Where am I from?

We both came from small country towns. My town being much smaller, countrier and bogan of course.

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He was the first boyfriend I ever had. I dont think I actually posted anything about him or having a bf, but if anyone wants to know anything about our 'relationship', comment, ask questions, and I might make a new blogpost about it.

:-) Thanks for reading.

I feel really bad at the moment. Sad. Certain things just trigger it, and then I spiral into a downwards depression. I don't even know if its sadness I'm feeling at the moment. During the course of the day, a lot of small things trigger a mechanism within myself, which causes me to question every bit about myself. I have so much pent up negativity towards myself. I don't even know what to write now, because whenever I try to write something, and describe how I'm feeling, my mind goes blank. Nothing. And the moment I move away from the screen, BAM it hits me again. I dont even know anymore. I really don't.

Ok so I'll admit i've been writing in here as if nobody reads it. But thats not really the case is it? So how about this proposal? Instead of a monologue, we'll have a conversation of sorts. Leave a comment, ask me questions and I'll answer them in a new post. I guess that way we'll be able to have somewhat of a dialogue.

Lets say we were to visualise everything in my head, all my thoughts, insecurities, and issues and suppose we form a shape out of them. Instead of a cube, or other shape where there are discrete and easily identifiable faces, my mind would be best represented by a sphere. Where there is seemingly just one face, one surface, that melds together to form the three dimensional object. My problems and my issues are represented by this sphere. As much as I wish I could identify singular personal issues and attempt to deal with them, I can't. I can't because one issue, is linked in with another issue, linked in with another issue. I can't seem to deal with any one thing in isolation without having to deal with every other issue that i have at the same time. And so its either I just do nothing at all, or face an avalanche of person problems all at once.

There is a lot on my mind and there is a lot of things that I want to say, but the moment I try to, it gets lost within a sea of other thoughts and worries. My thoughts and worries and insecurities paralyses me. There are a lot of pent up feelings within that run vividly through my body, but yet I'm unable to describe how I am feeling with words. I am at loss with words. Escapism is a temporary but necessary course of action if I am to maintain my sanity. It's a double edge sword though, as I end up appearing apathetic, mindless, neutral, boring, single-minded and unintelligent.

I am trapped. I'm leading a life that keeps the peace, while slowly destroying the very essence of who I am. My soul yearns for something that it is told it can't have. I try to understand my place in this world, my purpose in this life. It feels like a lifetime of fence-sitting. I watch the world move pass me, I get to see the journey and hardships of others, and I witness their joy and happiness when they overcome their obstacles. And yet here I am, still paralysed, going around in an infinite loop with no progress whatsoever.

I make concessions for others and I give of myself; in hopes that I may receive reciprocation. Perhaps its not productive or fair to make the assumption that I should expect the same from others. I deserve to be happy too. My happiness however, may very well ensure that my biggest fear eventuates. It's overwhelming and a huge burden to have when you are made to feel that someone else's suffering and emotional well-being is a result of your trying to achieve happiness and joy in your life. The constant emotional blackmail paralyses, and leaves no room to move.

I have this intense, almost selfish, innate need for some sort of connection with another soul. All my life I've been made to believe and accept as true, that I am insignificant as an individual. I gain no happiness or joy in being alone. I am alone. I crave an interaction with another compatible soul, and to be able to give of myself to someone who can reciprocate my deep and honest feelings. I am insecure. The thought that no one really cares. The concept of the individual is hard for me to understand or accept. My feelings and thoughts and understandings are biased towards a concept of relationships and interconnectedness. At the moment however, I am lead to believe I am alone. An empty void opens inside me.

My sense of right and wrong is determined by how something makes me feel. Other circumstances where no feelings are invoked, there is a sense of neutrality, and in these cases, morality is often determined by status quo. There is no innate ability within me to be able to make such distinctions. I can't join the dots. And so I place responsibility of joining to dots to the external world. In much the same sense, my perception of myself is determined externally. Lack of positive external affirmation results in less than positive self-assessment.

Words in my head at the moment that could be used to describe myself: different, outcast, unwanted, void, unloved, ugly, slut, unstable, emotional, needy, selfish, self-hate, misunderstood.

Sometimes I like to think about the different ways I can get out of this, and which would be the easiest and quickest way.

I'll list them:

1)Hanging myself
2) Drowning myself
3) Bleeding myself
4)Overdosing
5)Gassing myself
6)Jumping from high places
7)Jumping in front of moving vehicles
8)Shooting myself
9)Get myself into fatal vehicle accident
10)Electrocution
11) Suffocation
12)Venomous animals/insects

Not in any particular order.

But don't worry. These are just empty thoughts.

I wake up every morning upset and depressed, bound by the chains of emotional blackmail, giving of myself with nothing in return. I've hit a brick wall and theres nowhere to go. Each way i look im trapped. I just want to be happy. I want to feel loved and wanted. I just want to feel like someone actually cares about me. I want to have someone there for me. I need my own safety net instead of being everyone elses. I dont want to wake up anymore.

To end it all right now. To be honest, I dont really want to go on anymore. I wish I had an 'OFF' switch at my disposal.

I think im a bit crazy and perhaps a bit weird. And socially retarded. My brain is like mashed potato and my behaviour and attitude is swayed easily by external factors. I find it extremely difficult to communicate with people. I repress feelings and then I spew it all out. I slur my speech and my lexicon seems like its fading. My field of vision and thoughts narrows. I find it difficult to join the dots. I might be a little crazy i think.

Numb. Can't seem to shake the feeling that I dont fit in anywhere. Like there is no place for me in this world. Like there is no room for me.

Icy cold water runs through every vein in my body.

I want to give up. I dont want to try anymore. Let me see the light. Let the current take me. I give up.

For once in my life I just want to know what it feels like.

There's just so much inside my head. I just want to let it all out. I just want to be free of all the burdens of life. I want someone to hold me, to love me, and to tell me it will all be okay. I don't' know of any other way of letting it out. So I cry myself to sleep. Hoping that by the time my tears dry, things will be better.

2012

I dont know what to think of it.
I lose what I thought was a friend.
I gain a friend.
I step out of my comfort zone
I give my heart to have it taken for granted.
I feel used.
I seek satisfaction elsewhere.
I look for something better.
I feel a great sense of guilt and remorse.
I end it.
I feel unappreciated.
I move on.
I reply to the message. I try to mend the bridges. It's hard when the bridges are burning on both ends.
I prove to him by submitting to him. He sees to the bottom of my deepest pool of secrets.
I have nothing left to hide. The bridges burn.
I lose him. We never had the chance to end things on good terms. And now i'll never be able to because he's gone. Forever.
I have no light at the end of the tunnel.
I miss my mum. I wish her all the best. I hope she gets better.
I want to be able to reciprocate his feelings, but I've moved on. He's becoming the person I needed him to be all that time ago.
I want HIM so badly, not him, but HIM. but I know I'll never be able to have HIM.
I want to feel loved.
I will guard myself. I have developed an inherent distrust. Never again shall I make myself so vulnerable

I really wish my reflection would be able to talk back to me. Give me some advice and guidance through life. Tell me the things I need to hear, and occasionally the things I want to hear. Someone I can talk to and tell them all the things that are on my mind, the things that are worrying me, and those things that are weighing heavy on my chest. There are a few people I talk to, but every time I do, I feel terrible. I feel that I'm dumping my emotional issues onto them and becoming a burden. I just don't want to say anything anymore, or talk to anyone. To have some much bottled inside and not being able to let it out hurts. ---- Maybe my purpose in life was never to be happy. It seems like nothing ever goes right for me. I just don't know how to deal with any of this anymore. I want to run. I want to be gone. I want it all to end.

I wish for this all to end...

I take a step back and observe the progress that occurs around me. I reflect upon myself. I feel like I'm stagnating, while everyone else and everything else flourishes. Don't get me wrong, everyone faces obstacles and no road is ever smooth. But I feel like I don't have the drive in me to go the extra mile. I don't have it in me to WANT to go that extra mile. Its almost as if I've accepted that I'll never be able to go where I've wanted to go, so I stop trying. Its like I'm AFRAID to go there. I'm AFRAID of what I want. ---- I have no FIGHT in me. I have no DRIVE.

I don't want to feel this way, but I do. I don't know why I feel this way, but I just do. An intense sense of jealousy and frustration. I'm annoyed. I want him so bad, but I can't have him. If he knew the extent of how I feel towards him. I want him, physically, mentally, emotionally, sexually. But I can't have him. He's my unobtanium. And yet there is someone else who wants me probably just as bad as I want the aforementioned. And it pains me to great lengths just knowing that I don't reciprocate the feelings that are had for me. I want my unobtanium. ----- Is it slightly perverse that I spend too much time and mental capacity thinking about sex and self-gratification? Perhaps it's a coping mechanism, used to escape all the shit and uncertainty that surrounds me at the moment. Is it slightly selfish that I can't help but think of myself and feel sorry for myself when there are other people more in need and in a worser situation than myself? Sometimes I stop caring. Sometimes I just want it all to end. Sometimes I wish certain individuals knew how i felt towards them and maybe just maybe they'd reciprocate. I'm being selfish again. I just want to have my cake and eat it too. I want to indulge. ----- So fucking jealous...