Empty Spaces

Numb. Can't seem to shake the feeling that I dont fit in anywhere. Like there is no place for me in this world. Like there is no room for me.

Icy cold water runs through every vein in my body.

I want to give up. I dont want to try anymore. Let me see the light. Let the current take me. I give up.

For once in my life I just want to know what it feels like.

There's just so much inside my head. I just want to let it all out. I just want to be free of all the burdens of life. I want someone to hold me, to love me, and to tell me it will all be okay. I don't' know of any other way of letting it out. So I cry myself to sleep. Hoping that by the time my tears dry, things will be better.

2012

I dont know what to think of it.
I lose what I thought was a friend.
I gain a friend.
I step out of my comfort zone
I give my heart to have it taken for granted.
I feel used.
I seek satisfaction elsewhere.
I look for something better.
I feel a great sense of guilt and remorse.
I end it.
I feel unappreciated.
I move on.
I reply to the message. I try to mend the bridges. It's hard when the bridges are burning on both ends.
I prove to him by submitting to him. He sees to the bottom of my deepest pool of secrets.
I have nothing left to hide. The bridges burn.
I lose him. We never had the chance to end things on good terms. And now i'll never be able to because he's gone. Forever.
I have no light at the end of the tunnel.
I miss my mum. I wish her all the best. I hope she gets better.
I want to be able to reciprocate his feelings, but I've moved on. He's becoming the person I needed him to be all that time ago.
I want HIM so badly, not him, but HIM. but I know I'll never be able to have HIM.
I want to feel loved.
I will guard myself. I have developed an inherent distrust. Never again shall I make myself so vulnerable

I really wish my reflection would be able to talk back to me. Give me some advice and guidance through life. Tell me the things I need to hear, and occasionally the things I want to hear. Someone I can talk to and tell them all the things that are on my mind, the things that are worrying me, and those things that are weighing heavy on my chest. There are a few people I talk to, but every time I do, I feel terrible. I feel that I'm dumping my emotional issues onto them and becoming a burden. I just don't want to say anything anymore, or talk to anyone. To have some much bottled inside and not being able to let it out hurts. ---- Maybe my purpose in life was never to be happy. It seems like nothing ever goes right for me. I just don't know how to deal with any of this anymore. I want to run. I want to be gone. I want it all to end.

I wish for this all to end...

I take a step back and observe the progress that occurs around me. I reflect upon myself. I feel like I'm stagnating, while everyone else and everything else flourishes. Don't get me wrong, everyone faces obstacles and no road is ever smooth. But I feel like I don't have the drive in me to go the extra mile. I don't have it in me to WANT to go that extra mile. Its almost as if I've accepted that I'll never be able to go where I've wanted to go, so I stop trying. Its like I'm AFRAID to go there. I'm AFRAID of what I want. ---- I have no FIGHT in me. I have no DRIVE.

I don't want to feel this way, but I do. I don't know why I feel this way, but I just do. An intense sense of jealousy and frustration. I'm annoyed. I want him so bad, but I can't have him. If he knew the extent of how I feel towards him. I want him, physically, mentally, emotionally, sexually. But I can't have him. He's my unobtanium. And yet there is someone else who wants me probably just as bad as I want the aforementioned. And it pains me to great lengths just knowing that I don't reciprocate the feelings that are had for me. I want my unobtanium. ----- Is it slightly perverse that I spend too much time and mental capacity thinking about sex and self-gratification? Perhaps it's a coping mechanism, used to escape all the shit and uncertainty that surrounds me at the moment. Is it slightly selfish that I can't help but think of myself and feel sorry for myself when there are other people more in need and in a worser situation than myself? Sometimes I stop caring. Sometimes I just want it all to end. Sometimes I wish certain individuals knew how i felt towards them and maybe just maybe they'd reciprocate. I'm being selfish again. I just want to have my cake and eat it too. I want to indulge. ----- So fucking jealous...

What does that actually mean? What do you do when someone has fallen for you so hard that they make you the centre of their life? What are you supposed to tell them when you've moved on and dont feel that way anymore? What are you supposed to say to that person when you know you don't LOVE them in that way? Am I too easily letting go of something that could be the best thing thats ever happened to me? Am I not trying hard enough? Its hard when your head says one thing but your heart says another. What is LOVE anyway?