Empty Spaces

I should have done this so much earlier, and I regret not taking this step a lot sooner, but today, is the first day of the rest of my life (well actually yesterday was, cos i told Nick it was. But i guess today can be too). I took my first step onto the road of recovery.

After some serious advice (you guys know who you are) I went to a local sexual health clinic and had some tests done.

This is somethign i've been wanting to do, yet at the same time, been so scared of doing for so long. After what happened, I guess I had so much going on in my head that i just didn't know what to do or where to begin. In a sense, i had this notion in my head that if i repress it, hide it deep within me and not ever speak of it again, then nothing ever happened. I was also deeply scared about what the outcomes of the sexual health test would be. I was so scared that it would be something bad. A million thoughts ran through my head and heaps of different scenarios were played through my mind re-enacting a worse case scenario. What would i tell my parents, what would i do? Out of fear, and not wanting to hear bad news, I neglected to get these extremely important tests done.

A few things happened today. A couple of funny things too. I foudn the clinic easily enough. It was in a multistory building, being on the level above ground floor. So i walked through the front door, and got into the elevator. Pressed Level 1. The doors closed and i waited.....and waited.....and waited....and waited...Damn i thought, this elevator is sloooow. The doors never opened so i pressed the "Open Door" button, and when the doors opened, i realised the elevator had not moved an inch. I had to ask for help and was told that the elevator i went into doesn't stop at level 1. Ok so that was kinda silly of me.

After being led to a working elevator, i got to the reception desk and the lady gave me some paperwork to fill out. The clinic works on a triage assessment basis, so patients are prioritised in terms of severity of their problem. There was a question on the paperwork that had me in a little bit of shock for a while. It was: "I have sex with: []Men, []Women". I stood there for 5 mins looking at this question. It sounds simple enough right? Perhaps. I really didn't know which one to tick. I haven't worked myself out yet, so should i tick the box that i've had sexual experiences with, or tick the box that i'd LIKE to have sexual experiences with. It was a bit of self discovery and the first time I really admitted somethign to myself. I ticked "[]Men".

I was escorted to a waiting room to sit and wait to get assessed by the triage nurse. I was a little bit nervous and staring at my phone the whole time, trying to avoid eyecontact with anyone else in the waiting room. I do admit i was a little embarrassed, but then I kind of looked around and realised... "hey... all these people are here for the same thing!!" that made me feel a little calmer. These two girls around the corner were also waiting, and MY FREAKIN GOD they were loud. Lound and obnoxiously funny because they were talking about pretty much everything from how many people they've slept with to the nasty stories they've heard about and even porn and prostitutes. Thanks girls, but next time, keep it down wont you.

When i was called in by the triage nurse, she asked some routine questions, like contact details, age, etc. And then she asked me why i was here. I was tongue tied, and sat there for a few minutes trying to get the words out. And i finally did. It started with "Somethign happened to me.....a few years ago". Then when it came to telling her, I told her i was 'taken advantage of'. She asked if i had reported it to police. I told her no. And to be honest, i dont want to. I just want to move on. A few more questions and she said she'd book me into the next open slot. She also asked me when i last urinated, and i told her i couldn't remember. lol. so when i walked back out to the waiting room, i went and had a drink of water just in case.

The doctor calls me in, and after some more routine questions he read out what the triage nurse had written. I was honestly shocked and surprised to hear that she wrote down that i had been RAPED. I immediately stopped him, and told him that RAPE wasn't a term i want to throw around adn that i wasn't comfortable using that term. I told him that i told the nurse that i had been 'taken advantage of'. Since the confession a few blogposts ago, Im still coming to terms with what happened and I still haven't quite accepted it, so I wasn't so keen on using the 'R' word. But the doc stopped me, and asked me why i didnt think so. He told me to explain to him everythign that happened. And i did. And he gave it to me straight. He said that no matter what i think or say, the truth is i was 'raped'. Although not fully unconsensual, it wasn't fully consensual either, and that i was 'manipulated, and taken advantage of'. those were his words. In the paper work was a question asking whether or not the patient had been raped. And he ticked "[] YES". I guess that is it. The final answer.

Had to get naked infront of the doc which was a bit embarrassing and uncomfortable.He did a physical check and it was over pretty quickly. He took a few swabs, got a blood sample and asked me for a urine sample. And then after that he talked to me about safe sex, counselling services if i needed, and told me that being gay is nothign to be ashamed of. He gave me some pretty explicit pamphelts and a heap of condoms all in a 'discreet' little paper bag that was almost bursting at its seams.



I get the results back next week. Hopefully everything is fine. The doctor said that he thinks that there is very little risk and he is reasonably confident that my test results will come back clean. I really really hope so.

I got back to the train station and got on to the platform only the have the train doors shut in front of my face.. lame. lol so i had to wait for the next one.

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Today was a pretty productive day for me.

Apart from what i just talked about before, I replaced some wiper blades on the car, fixed and adjusted the washer nozzles, and bought some WD40 and replaced a blown brake light and the interior dome light.

:-P

I feel so manly now, you know, doing manly things like fixing stuff. haha.

Last night at work i told Nick that I was in a good mood and that today was a great day. He asked me why and i told him that it was a great day because it was the first day of the rest of my life. He looked a little puzzled but gave me a high five. And then he asked me what i proposed to do, esp since it was the first day of the rest of my life. And i told him that i was going to sort myself out and get my life back on track. He looked genuinly surprised and said "what do you mean? you're like the most conventional kid i know!". "Theres a LOT about me that you dont know" i replied, and he just kind gave an intriugued laugh. And we left it at that.