Empty Spaces

Its one of those nights again, where I'm physically exhausted yet as much as i try, I just can't get to sleep. I wasnt going to post this but I just really need to get it out of my system.

Im going to warn you all first, because this post and perhaps the next few posts I write are going to be extremely personal and might be quite explicit. I haven't told anyone in person before, and the few that I've talked to online, I have told versions of the truth, but never the real truth, because of the nature of it, and the fact that I tried to bury it so deep within myself, that Im afraid of digging it up again and having to face it. The things im going to write, I'm afraid of. Im embarrassed, ashamed and I feel immense guilt about it. I feel so degraded and humiliated at what i've done.

I also want to apologize to the few people who i've told parts of the truth. You know who you are. Im really sorry for in a sense, lying to you. I feel terrible that I've lied about these things, and lead you to believe another version of reality about myself but i really hope you'll be able to understand why I didn't tell the truth. This is my confession. My coming clean. Dispelling the demons within me.

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As much as i dont want to admit to it, I'm depressed. I've suffered from depression for a long time now. If i had to put a date to it, I would say that it all started back my last two years of highschool, around 2004/2005. There would be times when I would just feel really bad, and cry myself to sleep. It was just a lot of things that contributed, but at the time, I didnt really think too much of it all, and I certainly would not have admitted to being 'depressed'. With that said I might leave this for another post, and I'll move on to talking about something that is a bit more current.

I moved away from home the year immediately after i graduated from highschool, to study at university. It was a HUGE deal for me, as it would be the first time that I would be so far away from my family for such a long time. At the time, i was so scared. None of my friends were moving down with me so I had no friends and i had no family down here eitehr. I was pretty much alone. My sister had also moved down a month before me, but she had found a place to live with a highschool friend of hers. I got accepted into a residential college (on-campus accomodation) and so that was where i would spend the first two years of my uni life.

I had always been really sheltered as a kid, so I was really socially awkward. I found it extremely difficult to socialise with people, and I found it hard to make friends. The first few weeks were really difficult for me because I didnt really know anyone and during those few weeks I used to feel so alone that I'd leave and spend the nights at my sisters place. Fortunately i found out that someone else who i went to highschool with, (but wasn't a close friend of mine) had also moved down and was staying at the same residential college, so I started hanging around with her. And it was through her that I met the people I did. So in a sense, she made friends with the other people, and I became friends with her friends. Those first two years living at college only then got better from then on. I did things that I had never gotten to do before, met people I never thought I'd ever get to meet, and generally just do the things i would never have been able to do if i was still at home. It was also at college that I started to question my sexuality. It was at college that I watched my first gay porn video - just out of curiousity, in the privacy of my own room - something i never had while i was at home. I really did think it was just a phase and that I'd grow out of it. Everytime i would watch something involving two guys, I would feel so guilty afterwards. I hated the fact that I didn't get turned off. I kept telling myself it wasn't normal, and that i needed to stop what i was doing. It was only a phase that would go away. And all i had to do was to not give in to these temptations i kept having. At one point I felt so bad about all the stuff i had downloaded that i purged my computer, wiping out everythign that i had downloaded. I felt a massive surge of relief after that. But it didn't last long before I gave in to temptation again. And i would feel regret and guilt each time I brought something up on my screen.

During those two years at college, apart from questioning myself, life in general was fairly good. Had a stable group of friends, a decent social life, and I was doing quite well at uni. One thing I do recall though, is that during these two years was when I started having these really strange dreams. Really abstract random, but scary dreams, like the ones that i have now. There was always someone or something after me, and it always ended with me being wounded/injured or killed. I never knew what they meant.

In 2008 i moved out with 3 friends from college and rented a house nearby the uni. I did so against the wishes of my parents. They wanted me to move in with my sister. But this was the first time in my life that i actually had, to me, 'proper' friends, and i wanted be with them. So i signed the lease without telling my parents. They were furious when I told them i had signed a year long lease.

It was this year that i really started to spiral into a deeper depression. Being at college, and being around so many people all the time, really for better or worse, kept my mind off a lot of things. There were so many distractions at college that there wasn't really much time to really think about things and think about myself.

I met a guy off an internet forum, and we started talking. I kind of lied to him about myself, because i was afraid that if i told him about the real me, that he might not want to be my friend. We would spend hours and hours talking online (he lived in canada) and the more we talked, the more i felt like I really really liked this guy. One day he mentioned that he was thinking about coming to Australia, and that he would really like to meet me. It was then that i got slightly nervous, because I had told him certain things about me that weren't true. When it became clear that he had serious intentions, i started to back off a bit, and soon our usual routine of daily chatting became more like a few words exchanged every now and then.

Pretty soon we stopped talking altogether. I felt so bad about not telling the truth, but I was just so scared of being rejected that i felt i had to lie to him to make him want to be my friend. I started feeling really secluded and alone after we stopped talking. I started to question my self worth, and started thinking that I wasn't good enough for anyone. I really started to hate myself. I started drifting away from my housemates. It was a different environment living out of college. There were no distractions, there were no other people around besides my housemates, and the level of social interaction was significantly less than when i was living at college.

Although i was living with friends, I felt so isolated from everyone. I felt like i didn't know these people well enough to talk to them about how i was feeling. So i kept it all inside. I felt so alone and inside all i wanted to do was scream. I just wanted someone i could talk to about how im feeling and for someone to just understand me. All in the meantime, i started putting on a front. An overly confident self to make up for how i really felt inside - lonely and vulnerable. I wouldnt be able to sleep at night, and toss and turn all night until morning. And then i'd be so tired that i wouldn't get out of bed and just lay there all day. My housemates noticed my excessive time in bed, and would often joke around and bang on my door loudly and yell and scream at me to get out of bed and stop being a lazy ass. I don't hold anything against them, because they didn't know better. I would have thought the same, especially because of the front that i was putting on.

I was also on sleeping medication. I've been on sleeping medication since the last half of my second year living at college. At one point, I ended up in hospital because of a suspected allergic reaction to some sleep medication i took. To this day i dont remember what happened that night. All i can remember is vomitting a lot and a whole heap of people in my room. I was told that the nurses at the hospital were worried that i had tried to overdose on paracetamol as they found a near empty packet on my table. I can't really remember much from that night. So i dont know whether i was in hospital because of the sleep medication or from the paracetamol.

Anyway sorry for digressing. After my online friend and i stopped chatting, I fell into a depressive cycle. I'd just feel so alone everynight. I'd cry a lot. I wouldnt' be able to fall asleep. I'd then take the sleeping tablets. And that would make me drift off, but then I'd feel so weak and drowsy in the mornings. I skipped a lot of my classes because i never felt in the right mood to go. It really showed in my grades as my GPA just kept slipping down.

I got to the point of desperation one day, (unfortunately it was during final exam week), and I went onto an online dating site, and started looking through profiles. But i didnt have a paid membership so all i could do was view, and not send any messages. But i was that desperate that I kind of stalked a guy, and found his youtube account and sent him a message through there. We talked for a bit on msn and he said he'd liek to meet me. His last exam was a few days before mine and we planned to meet up after he had finished his. The day we were supposed to meet up was also the day that i had my last exam. I was totally not prepared at all for my exam so i faked a sicky and got a doctors certificate and had my exam postponed. I called him up asking where he wanted to meet. But he didn't reply. So i messaged him, and he messaged back saying that he couldn't make it because he had to do something. And after that message, I never heard from him again.

Rejection hurt so bad. I was in such a bad state of mind at the time that although i had my exam postponed by a month, when the day came, i was underprepared and I went into the exam thinking i was going to fail for sure. When the results came out, I JUST scraped through and got a pass. But it was my lowest score for a semester yet. I just barely passed every subject i did.

I went home that christmas, and just wiped everything off my mind.

In 2009 i moved in with my sister and her BF who had now replaced her highschool friend as a housemate. Being in this situation i think amplified my feelings of loneliness. I felt so out of place and as if i was the third wheel. They'd go out and do things together and leave me alone at home by myself. Whenever they used to go out, I would spend excessive amounts of time in the kitchen just cooking stuff that i wouldn't eat. Cleaning things excessively. Finding all sorts of things to do to keep my mind off being alone. I eventually started walking around late at night, which wasn't the best or safest thign to do. I would walk several kilometres in the dark by myself. I'd come back, and then go to sleep still feeling a great sense of loneliness.

You could say that i could have just called up my friends and gone out and done something, but a lot of the friends i made at college were either international students or interstate students, and by this time, most of them had graduated and had either gone back interstate or overseas. And the few friends i had left were usually busy. The times that we did go out, it just never seemed the same as it did back in college. Most of them had girlfriends or boyfriends and it wasn't much fun going out and feeling like the third wheel all the time.

There were days when I just felt like i couldn't go on. Times i just felt like i was trapped in a concrete box with no way out.

I joined up with a gay matchmaking website, hoping that i'd be able to make a few friends. I eventually started talking to a guy and he asked me if i wanted to hang out with him. A while back I wrote a story on my blog called Naive. The truth is, this wasn't a story. This was what really happened to me. It was real. Jay = Me.

I had only known him for a few hours before he asked me to meet up with him the next day. I really thought we would be friends. I didn't know he had other intentions. I was really naive. At first we spent time talking, over coffee. And then we drove around for a while. He claimed he didn't know where he was going and that we were just randomly driving. We stopped off at this park. To be fair it was more like a jungle because there was a lot of trees and it was quite dense. And while we were in there, he kissed me. I was so nervous i was trembling. It was the first time i had ever kissed anyone.

There were people coming our way so we decided to leave. And we drove off for a bit, until we stopped at another place i had never been to before. We walked for a bit before he led me to a public restroom. I thought he needed to go, so i waited outside. I waited for what seemed like more than 5 minutes. And then he walked out, gave me a stern look, and kind of made a gesture to me as if telling me to come in. I replied that i didn't need to go. Again he looked a bit annoyed and gestured for me to come in. So i did. And it was there in the handicapped stall of a public restroom that i lost my virginity. We had unprotected sex in a public restroom. It was my first sexual experience ever and i was so scared, nervous but at the same time i was excited. Being my first time, it hurt so bad. He also kept asking me to fuck him as well, but it was so new to me that I couldn't get in the mood. So he went back to fucking me. Until he came. In me. I got myself off and then we cleaned up. Just as we were about to leave, I went up to kiss him. And he pushed me away. We left the public restroom and walked a bit and then sat down on a park bench. I asked him if he was ok, and he said that he wasn't into the touchy-feely stuff. We walked to his car, and he drove me back to the shopping centre where he picked me up from. He didn't say one word during that drive. I honestly thought we were going to hang out some more, but he left me there, aplogized that he had to go. And then he hugged me and told me to keep in contact. And so i did. but he never replied. He never came online again.

I was so confused. I lost my mind for a while. I didnt know what i was supposed to think. I thought we were going to be friends. I thought sex was going to be something more special. I had so many things running through my head. I was extremely lost, and i felt so worthless. I was numb. It hurt so bad to think you had made a friend and to have that taken away from you so fast. I fell into a deeper void, and for the next few months, I stopped caring. I stopped caring about my life. about my uni. about myself. I started meeting up with random guys, thinking i would be able to meet someone nice. But all anyone ever wanted was to fuck me. It was all for sex. Afterwards, i woudl never hear from anyone again. I talked to so many people online only to have them reject me or end up blocking me. I started sleeping with guys just to feel some form of human connection. Even if for a short while. In those few months i ended up sleeping with at least 8 different people. (And im really so sorry that I never told you the truth. You know who you are :-( )

And then i met another guy. He was his his late forties. After being rejected so many times, I just didn't care anymore. So i met up with him. He told me i was beautiful. Noone had ever said that to me before. I almost cried. He kept telling me that. And then he fucked me. He dropped me off at the station and i made my way home. I felt shame, guilt and embarrassment. This man, who just slept with me, was older than my father! I crawled into bed feeling so dirty, and so worthless. I felt like my life had no meaning. That sex had no meaning. That my body had no meaning at all anymore. I said to myself that i wasn't going to do it anymore.

And i stopped. I deleted all my online accounts. I went cold turkey.

And then the loneliness crept in again. And what was supposedly a once off thing with the man in his late forties became something that was more regular.

Not beause the sex was good. But because i realised that to feel loved, accepted and beautiful, that was the price i had to pay. I had to satisfy him.

He was rather well hung, so everytime we had sex, i was in pain. Every single time it hurt, but i pretended that i was enjoying it. This went on for half a year. Until i couldn't do it anymore. And i messaged him telling him that i dont feel this is what i wanted anymore. And he said he understood.

And ever since then, I just feel so dirty. I feel like a whore. A slut. I feel as if i have no worth anymore. As much as i try to think im a good person, I just cant anymore. A voice in my head keeps echoing how much of a worthless piece of shit i am. A dirty tramp who doesnt' deserve any respect from anyone.

I look at myself in the mirror, and i hate myself. I hate the way i look. I hate my body. There is not a single thing i like about myself. I see this person in the mirror and all i can think of is ugly and dirty.

As much as I wont admit to it, it really has affected me in so many ways. I've become really withdrawn, and I dont really socialise much with people anymore. I get nervous when i have to socialise. Im not very confident at anything i do anymore, and Im finding it harder and harder to get the courage to do anything. All i ever feel like doing now is sitting in my room by myself with the door locked.

I cant stop thinking that im second class. That im used goods. I can't find anything good to say about myself. I feel like i dont compare to anyone else. I feel liek im below them.

I feel inferior to everyone else around me. I've got this inferiority complex that i can't shake off. I also think i might have body dysmorphic disorder.

I really am ill. I've been suffering from insomnia for a long time. And also as a result hypertension. I've also developed a bit of an eating disorder. Even when im really really hungry, I just wont eat. Not because i wont make the effort to eat, but because I just really dont feel like eating. I can cook all the stuff in the world, yet I wont feel like eating anythign that i've cooked. I've gone whole days without eating a single thing. But then I end up binging on really unhealthy food. Takeaway stuff like McDonalds and KFC. And i've developed an addiction to fructose. I start getting angry for no reason if i dont have something sweet like Juice or fruit. And then i'll go back to not eating for a while, and then binging on junk food. I have to say that perhaps i have a decent metabolism or something, because as a result of my abnormal eating patterns and stress, I've only gained 6kgs of weight. I thought i would have gained so much more but still, 6kgs of excess weight is still not a good thing.

There are mornings where i wake up and i'd feel so crap. I'd wake up with massive headaches and the only way to make myself feel better is for me to make myself vomit by sticking my fingers down my throat. I dont know if its a good thign to be doing but it seems to be the only thing that makes me feel slightly better.

All this eating stuff has also made my stomach a bit odd. Im bigger in every way than my sister, but I can barely eat. She eats soo much more than I do. I mean i have trouble finishing off a 6 inch sub from Subway. I really dislike going to dinners because i feel so bad that i can't finish the food. I also feel bad when people take me to buffets because I wont even get through my first plate of food.

Mum knows about my hypertension, but she doesn't know about anything else. I've told her that im just stressed out about uni. At one stage while i was back home on a break, a blood vessel burst in my right eye, and it just kept bleeding. Eventually it stopped, and since then mum has been super worried about me. I keep telling her that my hypertension is due to stress from uni, but i can't use that excuse anymore because im only doing 1 subject at uni right now and im due to graduate at the end of the year.

Iknow this has been a long post, but I really really needed to get it out.
I dont really know what else to write so i'll leave it at this. I'll write about my highschool incidents in future posts.