Empty Spaces

I just got back from work and no matter how hard I scrub, I can't get my hands clean. I've been at work since 6am this morning. Like the day before, it was all manual labour. The weather was pretty crappy, but it cleared up during the day which was alright.

We had some new workers come in today, but there were non-english speaking, and I had to show them around and how to do the work. It was extremely frustrating, because they didn't know what i was saying, and I didn't understand what they were trying to say either. I'm like the worst person when it comes to explaining things, so naturally it was even worse me trying to explain to them using gestures. I've got really bad body language so I may have confused them more than teaching them. Ah well. Day's over.

I've got 4 more days left at home, and the closer it gets to the day I have to leave for school again, the slightly more depressed I'm getting. Although it can be a bit hectic at home, I'm gonna miss it. What i liked about this particular trip home was that it was actually calm, serene and quite cruisey. In normal circumstances, these words are far from what actually goes on at home. Usually its commontion, banter, conflict, anger and a thousand other synonyms for unpleasant. I realise how fragile the balance of life is at home. I wonder if them knowing about 'me' will make things all the worser. A part of me thinks " i don't care what anyone else thinks", but the other half sends out repressive thoughts, thoughts that reaffirm my belief that my family will never be ready to accept me for who and what I am.

In 4 days time, I'll be on a plane. Probably seated in the rows either from 17 - 20, sitting at a window seat. Contemplating what the next semester holds for me. I keep telling myself that this semester is going to be the one where I get a Dean's commednation for high achievement. This semester is the one that I'm going to ace. The one i'm going to be prepared for. I tell myself these things all the time. I set myself high standards, but then in the end I always confide in myself that those standards were unrealistic and accept the usual poor results i achieve, and in those results evaluate my self worth.

I make promises to myself that I'll be more sociable. Try and hang out with people more often. But usually after the first couple of weeks back at uni, I forget those promises. When i make promises to others, I keep them to my grave, yet when i make promises to myself, i break them all the time. I really hate this aspect of myself.

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At work today I was chatting with mum, and somehow we got to the subject of infidelity and premarital sex. I was horrified to learn that mum was strongly against premarital sex - she went on to tell me that it brought dishonor and shame to the family. She also mentioned some other really grewsome punishments that i won't mention. I don't understand her at all. At times she seems so forgiving and accepting, and then BAM she says all this other stuff that makes me think otherwise. I wonder what she'd think of homosexuliaty/bisexuality? Would that bring shame and dishonour to the family?

I read this quote somewhere before, and this pretty much sums up my feelings: "Those who matter are those who don't care. Those who don't matter are those who care"

So in this sense, who really cares about shame and dishonour, when those who are most likely to look down upon us are those who really don't matter? If those who really matter don't care, then wouldn't shame and dishonour be non-existant? So why should we live our lives to please those who have nothing to do with us?

I'm really going to miss driving around when I'm back in brissy. I hate public transport. :-( I'm also going to have to start my job hunting again. Not only for graduate roles, but also a casual job so i can make a bit of $$$ for myself.

I suck at blogging. I dont really think any of my posts have any flow at all. I jump from topic to topic without even the courtesy of a poorly written segue. But i guess it doesn't really matter cos noone reads this anyway, and my only intentions for this blog was for me to be able to brain dump. So i guess its all good then....

Anyway I best be off to find something more constructive to do.

PS.. i need to learn how to close my posts in a better way