Empty Spaces

This emotional pain is hurting me so much to the point that its now physical pain. And I don't know what to do about it. I feel so alone. I want to reach out so badly to someone, but Im so afraid about what they might think of me. I'm so afraid about how much of a burden I'll be on them.. So i trek it out alone. I just want to be loved. I just want to be held tight, and told that it's going to be alright. A little bit of reassurance. I want out.

Im doing all I can to try and take a step forward. An attempt to move my life forward from this slump. But I'm finding that it is so difficult, and all I feel is anxiousness, fear, doubt and uneasiness. As part of trying to advance from this point, I'm working on several job applications that I will submit soon. However, having been subject to immense negativity, and basically being torn apart and made to feel so low and so worthless by those people around me and by the people I love, I have absolutely no self-esteem, self-worth or self-confidence. Every single detail I state on my CV, I feel is untrue. Every single statement I make, in support of my character and abilities, feels hollow. As a direct result of a constant barrage of personal and emotional attacks, and judgement of my character, I'm led to believe that I am truly unworthy. I am shrouded in doubt and self-deprecation. It makes me physically sick. I am truly at a stage where I genuinely believe that I am nothing. There is nothing good about me, there is nothing of value, and there is absolutely nothing I have to offer anyone. There is a button in front of me, 6 letters, spelling out "SUBMIT". I am terrified beyond belief. I'm sitting here, staring at it. I've become nauseous, and I want to vomit. Thoughts in my head run rampant. A voice in my head repeats all the words that have been used to describe me. "Unaccomplished, worthless, good for nothing, rebellious, ungrateful, inconsiderate, selfish, unsuccessful, lacking, mentally insane, dreamer, failure..." In the end, I close my browser, and justify the decision to myself; "It's going to be alright. You made the right choice. You wouldn't have made it anyway. You don't have what it takes. Better to quit while you're ahead, instead of setting yourself up for failure".

I'm burning up inside, and it hurts more than anyone could imagine. And to think the only thing that I really needed was a little bit of assurance, love and compassion. Something to live for. I have no drive or passion left in me. Emptiness. Life has been taken away from me, and in its place I am chained down to a burden of guilt and responsibility.

Have you wanted to tell someone something so badly that it hurts? But you know that such actions would be futile, and nothing will ever come of it. It cuts so deeply.

Im living in a world of my own. I watch the sands of time deplete. Chained down, I begin to think resistance is futile. I long for a loving embrace. So many things I want. But I seemingly do nothing about. I want, I NEED a reason. Even just a spark, enough to get my fire started. But in this penetrating environment of icy cold darkness, this void, there will be no spark.

I think somewhere along this thing we called life, I have forgotten about how it feels to be happy. I have forgotten HOW to be happy. I am unable to comprehend what happiness is.

Everything that would lead me to what I would believe to be happiness, has been taken away from me, and pulled out of reach. Instead I am given an ultimatum. And so I face a major dilemma.

It's a constant battle everyday against the darkness inside that claws at me. I put on a 'happy' mask to front the world, not really knowing what 'happiness' is or what it's supposed to feel like. Not understanding. Not wanting to reveal the emptiness inside. The pain is unbearable.

I have come to a point in this thing called life, when the only thing I know for certain that I want, and I know for certain would be the quickest way to happiness or what I know of it, is death. The thought swirls in my head. It tempts me. It tells me about how all my suffering can end. It can vanquish all my emotional turmoil. Death disguises itself as happiness, and right now, at this very moment, that is all I want. To be happy.

It's almost 3AM in the morning, and for some godforsaken reason I just can't get to sleep. I'm the most vulnerable when I'm by myself. My mind gets consumed by the thoughts that linger in depths of the shadows. I feel hopelessness and despair. I try to think of every reason as to why I should hold on. Why I should continue. There simply is no light at the end of the tunnel. I see nothing but uncertainty. I'm holding on, for the hope of perhaps one day being able to see some semblance of truth. I'm holding on, so that maybe one day I will understand. That maybe one day I will learn of the reasons of why I held on.

It's just so hard to put on a brave face to those around you, when inside, you're really dying, and in indescribable pain. Yet nobody knows. And they continue on about their business. And life goes on.

It's the same virtually every night. I lay there in my bed, with the lights off, trying to fall asleep. Trying to shut out all these recurring thoughts. And the more I try not to think about things, the more these thoughts embed their parasitic roots into my mind until eventually any sense of logic and rationality give way. I lay there with a huge headache, unable to sleep, with emotions running through my body that I just can't describe with words.

I find it so difficult to want to wake up again and see the morning.

Hello :-) So I thought I'd try something a little bit different today. Yup. The EX-Boyfriend tag. And seeing as he's now an 'EX' I guess I'll be answering the questions for the both of us.

1) Where did we meet?

I remember this well. We met through work. I had been there for about a year before he started working there. And to be honest, if it weren't for him coming up to me and making the first conversation, I probably wouldnt have really had much interaction with him, as we both worked in different departments and had different shifts.

2) Where was our first date?

We never really had an 'official' date of sorts. We just ended up talking, and then just pretty much hanging out with each other like almost every day. I guess our first outing together was probably a work function. We went together and left together.

3) What was your first impression of me?

If I'm honest, the first thing that came to mind was that I thought he was perhaps a little stalkerish, as the first thing he ever said to me was in relation to my facebook account. He knew what my facebook was, and I had no idea who he was. But ok, first impressions were that we had a lot of common interests.

4) When did you meet my family?

I've never actually met his family, as his parents are separated and they don't actually live together under the same roof. But I met his sister for the first time when he had to drop something off to her at work. And we randomly bumped into his dad when we were out getting some food one day.

5) Weird habit of each other?

Ok, I'll answer for him first. I think he probably thinks my weirdest habit is the fact that Im overly concerned with having things 'perfect'. Hmm and for him, I think a weird habit of his is that he talks far too much, so I end up forgetting what it was he's actually talking about

6) How long have we been together?

Hmm well we've known each other now for about a year and four months. But I can't say exactly how long we've been 'together' as the status of our relationship had been pretty murky at best.

7) Do we have any traditions?

I guess the fact that we hung out so much, that it would break from tradition if we went a day without seeing or speaking to each other

8) An animal that resembles one another?

Hmm for this question I think im gonna have to go with what a colleague of mine said about him before we had actually met. It just sticks in my mind now. A work colleague said he reminded them of that show Angry Beavers. lol. Dont know what animal i would be though.

9) What was our first roadtrip?

I think our first roadtrip was probably Australia day. We drove half way up to the Sunshine Coast, and then decided to go back. It wasn't exactly a roadtrip but it was a decent amoutn of time sitting in a car together.

10) First thing you noticed about me?

I think the first thing i noticed about him was his work pants were probably a size or two too big for him. Well esp. in comparison to mine, because i wore slim fit skinnies. Oh and i also didnt expect that he'd be gay. He doesnt look it. But apart from that, i didnt really take notice of much else.

11) What pisses him off?

What pisses him off the most I think is that I dont normally tell him whats upsetting me, and I tell him things are fine when they clearly aren't. What pisses me off about him is that he lacks emotional intelligence and empathy - he doesn't seem to take much notice of how his actions make me feel.

12) Favorite feature about each other?

He has really beautiful eyes. I have ugly eyes. lol. Im just going off what he's told me, but he says that he likes how I'm so 'cool, calm and collected'.

13) What do we argue about the most?

Actually we never really argue. Most of the times we sort of just debate, because sometimes we both have very different opinions on certain issues. The problem was that whereas even though I may not have agreed to his point of view, I still accepted it and agreed to disagree. He always pushed his opinion through and made me feel like my opinion was invalid.

15) Who wears the pants in the relationship?

Well neither of us wore skirts thats for sure.

16) What drink do I order when we go out to eat?

He rarely ordered drinks whenever we went out, and would either go without, or have free water. That was mainly to do with the fact he was really financially tight. I drink more than I eat, so I would always get somethign to drink, usually either flavoured water, juice or anything fruit flavoured.

17) What size of shoe do I wear?

I have no idea what shoe size he wears. I've never actually bothered to find out. Myself I wear size 6-7

18) My favorite kind of sandwich?

He'd probably be okay with anything because he was never really fussy with food. I dont like sandwiches. But if i were to go to subway or something, my fav is Italian BMT.

19) What would I eat everyday if I could?

He'd definitely be able to live off bacon and eggs. Sometimes he says im too fussy with food, as i wont eat the same thing twice in a row.

20) My favorite cereal?

I dont think i've ever seen him eat cereal before. And i don't eat cereal either. Well sometimes I have oats with either honey or mixed berries, but not very often.

21) My favorite kind of music?

He's madly in love with Taylor Swift. He should go marry her. And then they'd break up. And she'd write a song about how he broke her heart. LOL. I listen to anythign with a good beat and melody. I love acoustic tracks, electro house and trance.

22) My favorite sports team?

Was never really a big sports person so I don't really follow sports, and he's the same way as well.

23) What is my eye color?

Oh gosh, i said his most noticeable feature was probalby his eyes, but I dont actually know what color they were. If i can recall, they were a blue/grey colour? Mine are ugly brown.

24) Who is my best friend?

Oh im not sure if he had a single best friend, but one of his closest friends was a girl we also worked with, and thats how he found my Facebook.

25) Where am I from?

We both came from small country towns. My town being much smaller, countrier and bogan of course.

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He was the first boyfriend I ever had. I dont think I actually posted anything about him or having a bf, but if anyone wants to know anything about our 'relationship', comment, ask questions, and I might make a new blogpost about it.

:-) Thanks for reading.