Empty Spaces

I want to call it quits. Im starting to question this thing called life. Im starting to question everything and everyone around me. Im starting to question the very integrity and authenticity of the relationships with the people i have around me. I just dont understand anythin anymore. Nothing makes sense to me. None of this feels real. And if it is, its not doing a very good job of it.

Im always mindful of the effects my actions can have on other people and how my actions could make them feel. I try my very best and i make compromises all the time in order to reduce the adverse repurcusions that i could have on other people. I give and give of myself as selflessly as im capable of yet it seems as if whatever i do does not even matter one bit. I just dont get it.

In a crowd of people spanning as far as the eye can see. I all ever wanted was for one person to look back at me and make me feel as if it mattered.

I dreamt of myself sitting beside the deathbed of an old lady whom i could not recognise, but felt inside that i had known her before. I watched as her life force vanished and saw her face change into the very face of death itself. That was about as real a feeling that i've ever felt in my life. And that was supposedly in a dream. What if this world im living in is really the dream world? Nothing seems to matter. I just doesn't make any sense.

I stand in the crowd, waiting, watching, hoping that something will happen.Im crushing the key to my soul in my hand, and as i do so i shift further and further away from ever letting anyone else in on whats inside.

I got my tests results back and they were all................


NEGATIVE!!! :-)

A clean bill of health from every test that was done.

Sigh of relief.

I've got an appointment with my GP and counsellor next week as well. I have to figure out what im going to say and what i need to sort out first.

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One thing bringing me right down is my parents. I love talking to them, because i miss them, but whenever we talk, it brings my mood and self-esteem and confidence right down. I hate being made the posterboy that everyone looks up to. I hate having to live up to this image. Im not perfect. And when they make me out to be the perfect child it kills me bit by bit, knowing that when the truth comes out, I'll be the biggest dissapointment of them all.

So it seems a few comments that were made previously have mysteriously dissappeared when blogger went out the other day. How lame.

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It was probably too soon to think that I was all better etc. While it was a major weight off my shoulders, makign the confession and coming to terms with the reality of what happened those two years ago, perhaps it was just a little silly of me to have assumed that everythign was good and well. I'll admit for those couple of days afterwards, I did feel so much happier, and stress free. Like nothing else mattered or bothered me.

I had a pretty *for lack of better word* crappy day today. I was home alone (like pretty much most days). I messaged a few people to see if they wanted to do anything today, but they all declined. So i was stuck with myself for the day. I hate just sitting at home alone. I feel as if the day is just going by and im not doing anythign productive at all. I feel like im wasting my days. I had this sinking feeling inside me, and for the first time since the confession post, my mood went down considerably.

Urgh....

I really dont like being by myself. I hate this loneliness. It really gets to me and eats away at me. It really shouldnt' be this way, but i just feel like there is noone i know in real life who can rid me of this loneliness. I can be surrounded by a million people i know, and during the moment, i'll temporarily forget that im alone. But as soon as those people leave, i'll be back to where i was.

It feels like there is a massive void inside of me. That i can't seem to fill.

It was too soon to think I was alright. Its amusing how volatile emotions/feeligns/mood can be.

So ever since i started this blog, i've been keep record of all my dreams. Partly because they were all so vivid and detailed, and partly because I wanted to write them down somewhere so one day i'd be able to read back through them and decipher them and to find out how i was really feeling back then.

Since the confession, i've kind of noticed but my dreams have sort of started fading away. They're no longer one big interconnected dream, but now its just random bits and pieces. Bits and pieces that i can no longer recall with any sort of clarity.

I dont know if thats a sign of a good thing or not, but i hope it is.

Last night i had a series of odd dreams. I was on the edge of a cliff, and down below me the water was lit up in bright lights, and I could see all the marine creatures swimming below. But what scared me was the number of sharks circling below.

I was then on a boat, making my way down a river, when the boat engine fails, and it starts to capsize.

In the last few blank pages of a book, i had written out my confession. As i was laying in bed, I heard someone (not sure who it was, but it was someone close to me) call out to me and ask me what the book was and why there was writing in the back of it. I tried to get up. I tried to call out and tell him not to open it. But i was overcome but a great sense of tiredness and could barely open my eyes or get out of bed.

There was another scene where i was sitting in a room, looking out the window, when all of a sudden a car pulls up in the drive way. A guy in his mid-40's hopped out and walked towards the door. I KNEW exactly who he was. He handed over to me a necklace. And just as he did, my sister came out and asked me who it was. I lied to her and said it was a work colleauge. Here is the scary thing - I had indeed lost a necklace, and I couldn't for the life of me remember where i left it. It then struck me that the last time i took that necklace off was at the guys place. I left it on his bedside drawer and forgot about it.

I was in a white old dusty room, sitting beside a fireplace. It was cold and i was shivering, but the fireplace was boarded up for some reason. So i just sat there, and looked on.

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I should have done this so much earlier, and I regret not taking this step a lot sooner, but today, is the first day of the rest of my life (well actually yesterday was, cos i told Nick it was. But i guess today can be too). I took my first step onto the road of recovery.

After some serious advice (you guys know who you are) I went to a local sexual health clinic and had some tests done.

This is somethign i've been wanting to do, yet at the same time, been so scared of doing for so long. After what happened, I guess I had so much going on in my head that i just didn't know what to do or where to begin. In a sense, i had this notion in my head that if i repress it, hide it deep within me and not ever speak of it again, then nothing ever happened. I was also deeply scared about what the outcomes of the sexual health test would be. I was so scared that it would be something bad. A million thoughts ran through my head and heaps of different scenarios were played through my mind re-enacting a worse case scenario. What would i tell my parents, what would i do? Out of fear, and not wanting to hear bad news, I neglected to get these extremely important tests done.

A few things happened today. A couple of funny things too. I foudn the clinic easily enough. It was in a multistory building, being on the level above ground floor. So i walked through the front door, and got into the elevator. Pressed Level 1. The doors closed and i waited.....and waited.....and waited....and waited...Damn i thought, this elevator is sloooow. The doors never opened so i pressed the "Open Door" button, and when the doors opened, i realised the elevator had not moved an inch. I had to ask for help and was told that the elevator i went into doesn't stop at level 1. Ok so that was kinda silly of me.

After being led to a working elevator, i got to the reception desk and the lady gave me some paperwork to fill out. The clinic works on a triage assessment basis, so patients are prioritised in terms of severity of their problem. There was a question on the paperwork that had me in a little bit of shock for a while. It was: "I have sex with: []Men, []Women". I stood there for 5 mins looking at this question. It sounds simple enough right? Perhaps. I really didn't know which one to tick. I haven't worked myself out yet, so should i tick the box that i've had sexual experiences with, or tick the box that i'd LIKE to have sexual experiences with. It was a bit of self discovery and the first time I really admitted somethign to myself. I ticked "[]Men".

I was escorted to a waiting room to sit and wait to get assessed by the triage nurse. I was a little bit nervous and staring at my phone the whole time, trying to avoid eyecontact with anyone else in the waiting room. I do admit i was a little embarrassed, but then I kind of looked around and realised... "hey... all these people are here for the same thing!!" that made me feel a little calmer. These two girls around the corner were also waiting, and MY FREAKIN GOD they were loud. Lound and obnoxiously funny because they were talking about pretty much everything from how many people they've slept with to the nasty stories they've heard about and even porn and prostitutes. Thanks girls, but next time, keep it down wont you.

When i was called in by the triage nurse, she asked some routine questions, like contact details, age, etc. And then she asked me why i was here. I was tongue tied, and sat there for a few minutes trying to get the words out. And i finally did. It started with "Somethign happened to me.....a few years ago". Then when it came to telling her, I told her i was 'taken advantage of'. She asked if i had reported it to police. I told her no. And to be honest, i dont want to. I just want to move on. A few more questions and she said she'd book me into the next open slot. She also asked me when i last urinated, and i told her i couldn't remember. lol. so when i walked back out to the waiting room, i went and had a drink of water just in case.

The doctor calls me in, and after some more routine questions he read out what the triage nurse had written. I was honestly shocked and surprised to hear that she wrote down that i had been RAPED. I immediately stopped him, and told him that RAPE wasn't a term i want to throw around adn that i wasn't comfortable using that term. I told him that i told the nurse that i had been 'taken advantage of'. Since the confession a few blogposts ago, Im still coming to terms with what happened and I still haven't quite accepted it, so I wasn't so keen on using the 'R' word. But the doc stopped me, and asked me why i didnt think so. He told me to explain to him everythign that happened. And i did. And he gave it to me straight. He said that no matter what i think or say, the truth is i was 'raped'. Although not fully unconsensual, it wasn't fully consensual either, and that i was 'manipulated, and taken advantage of'. those were his words. In the paper work was a question asking whether or not the patient had been raped. And he ticked "[] YES". I guess that is it. The final answer.

Had to get naked infront of the doc which was a bit embarrassing and uncomfortable.He did a physical check and it was over pretty quickly. He took a few swabs, got a blood sample and asked me for a urine sample. And then after that he talked to me about safe sex, counselling services if i needed, and told me that being gay is nothign to be ashamed of. He gave me some pretty explicit pamphelts and a heap of condoms all in a 'discreet' little paper bag that was almost bursting at its seams.



I get the results back next week. Hopefully everything is fine. The doctor said that he thinks that there is very little risk and he is reasonably confident that my test results will come back clean. I really really hope so.

I got back to the train station and got on to the platform only the have the train doors shut in front of my face.. lame. lol so i had to wait for the next one.

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Today was a pretty productive day for me.

Apart from what i just talked about before, I replaced some wiper blades on the car, fixed and adjusted the washer nozzles, and bought some WD40 and replaced a blown brake light and the interior dome light.

:-P

I feel so manly now, you know, doing manly things like fixing stuff. haha.

Last night at work i told Nick that I was in a good mood and that today was a great day. He asked me why and i told him that it was a great day because it was the first day of the rest of my life. He looked a little puzzled but gave me a high five. And then he asked me what i proposed to do, esp since it was the first day of the rest of my life. And i told him that i was going to sort myself out and get my life back on track. He looked genuinly surprised and said "what do you mean? you're like the most conventional kid i know!". "Theres a LOT about me that you dont know" i replied, and he just kind gave an intriugued laugh. And we left it at that.

I love P!nk





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I've got an exam in 3 hours. I really don't know how im going to go because well i haven't really been in the right frame of mind to be able to study. I went through my notes and I have a vague idea of what im supposed to know. Hopefully its sufficient to at least get a pass.

And then after my exam? I sort out my life.

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I had another dream.

I was in a swimming pool, when all of a sudden, the jets turned on and the pool was bubbling furiously until it started overflowing. Out of nowhere a large green python floated out of the water. And as i tried to avoid it, hundreds of other snakes appeared out of a bush beside the pool. I got out of the pool and i ran and ran towards the house with these serpents as well as other rodents coming after me. When i got into the house, i quickly realised that the doors didn't close properly, leaving large gaps big enough for the snakes and rodents to come through. I tried pulling on the doors to close them but the screws on the hinges all came undone. I went into the kitchen to get something to eat. As i was eating, it felt like the plate of food i had in my hands never got any smaller. No matter how much i ate, the content on the plate remained the same.

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Wish me luck for the exam. I know i'll need it.