Empty Spaces

the sun goes down on our last day
we both know there's no other way
for us
there's no hope to fix it now
cause there's no turning back when the day is done

we know
we've had
better days
and now it's time we
went our
separate ways

and it's the twilight of our love
baby it's the twilight of our love
and when the last light fades
there'll be nothing left to say


we should have learned from our mistakes
instead of pushing each other away, away
tomorrow wasn't meant for us,
but i will hold you while we still have the sun

we know
we've had
better days
and now it's time we
went our
separate ways

and it's the twilight of our love
baby it's the twilight of our love
and when the light fades
there'll be nothing left to say

it's almost night time
but i can't say goodbye to you, to you, to you
and there's no more light left
i wish we had more time left together, together, together

cause we're not done yet
we're not done yet
so don't let the sun set

we know
we've had
better days
and now it's time we
went our
separate ways

and it's the twilight of our love
baby it's the twilight of our love
and when the last light fades
there'll be nothing left to say
they said tomorrow wasn't meant for us

we know
we've had
better days
and now it's time we
went our
separate ways

and it's the twilight of our love
baby it's the twilight of our love
and when the last light fades
there'll be nothing left to say

it's twilight,
it's twilight.

Since my post about my Half Years resolution, I've been trying to keep a positive attitude and outlook on life. And although not much has happened since then, (except for my getting sick), I have actually been feeling a lot happier. I haven't let small things bother me as much. Even uni hasn't been too bad (except for all the slow walking people, long breaks, crowded refect, loud people in the library etc ). But tonight something really struck a chord with me and atm I'm just so annoyed and frustrated that its doing my head in.

I was in class, and I feel my phone vibrating in my pocket. I grab my phone out to read the message. It was from my sisters boyfriend. The message pretty much said that since another one of our housemates is moving out soon, he was concerned that we may not be able to cover our expenses as they fall due. He mentioned how my sister was working as well as doing uni to cover these expenses and that it had taken a toll on her. He went so far as to say that she works so hard yet doesn't get the respect she deserves - I took this as a personal stab at me, because WHO ELSE could she have gotten respect from? There's just me and him, plus the other housemate. But of course, since he's her BF, he gives her all the respect she deserves. Right. The housemate pays all her bills. Check. Oh so that leaves.... yup. me. So why didn't you just freakin say it to me straight? You think im a dick, and that I don't respect her.

Here's my situation - Im doing the standard 4 subjects at uni. I'm unemployed. I don't receive any Centrelink Youth Allowance. I'm wholly dependent on my parents. I have a joint account with them so they transfer money for my bills every few weeks.

So continuing on with the text message, he also says that its 'time to bite the dust, and find a job, even if its at KFC or Maccas'. This really annoyed me, because I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO FIND A JOB FOR MONTHS!! Nobody wants me! I've applied at all the places that i could possibly apply for and noone has replied back. Either because they have no jobs, or that they'd rather pay a 16 year old kid to do it.
I'm not a lazy slob. I do try my best. And I am truly looking for a job. But its almost impossible at this time for someone of my age.

Also the few jobs on offer are usually full time jobs or day jobs which i cant take because of my uni timetable.

I'm trying to balance 4 3rd level subjects at uni, while trying to secure myself a graduate position, find a casual job and at the same time, i still have to have a some form of a social life, general duties at home and I'm also helping my sister with some stupid internship she took on (involves marketing, and everything web/print related is up to me, so it really does take up a lot of time).

So on top of all this, I've got this whole 'sexuality' thing on my mind all the time too which makes my life hell.

I don't know if he meant for the text msg to make me feel this way, but it does. It makes me feel as if he thinks I'm a disrespectful dick, who takes everything for granted and feeds off mum and dad. That I'm a lazy slob who is too up himself to find a job.

I know there are plenty of other uni students out there, who are juggling uni with work, get great results and still have time for a social life. So i know this sounds like im making excuses and complaining, but seriously I really do think i've got enough on my plate already. The reason I didn't want a job in the first place when i moved down here was because I know what its like to be working and studying at the same time. I've been there. I've done it. I did it in highschool. I balanced 2 jobs with 7 subjects at school as well as an external IT course. I just didn't want the stress of it all again.

I really am physically and mentally drained with what i've got atm and i really just want to get all this sorted out first.

And then the text message goes on to say how I should go to centrelink and apply for a Job Seekers Payment. Do you know what that requires? It requires you to have made like 10 job applications every fortnight in order to qualify for that payment. So essentially, I'd have to continously apply for jobs, and only if i didn't get employed and only if I've put in at least 10 applications will i get this meagre payment. Then for the next fortnight, its the same deal.

DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE THE TIME TO BE RUNNING AROUND APPLYING FOR JOBS?

And then tonight mum rang and my sister picked up the phone. I don't know what they were talking about but while i was in the kitchen cleaning up, i could hear my sister telling mum to stop sending me money, because I'm old enough to get a job and fend for myself and pay my own bills.

After the conversation, i ask her what it was about and she told me pretty much what her BF had texted me. That she was sick of having to pay my bills and that I should get off my ass and find a job. She also said that i should be ashamed of myself for asking for money off my parents. And then she went on to say how our parents say that they support us, but they really just support me.

I was infuriated. Seriously, does it look like i take this money and go and spend it recklessly on useless shit? HELL FUCKING NO!!! Any money that i get sent to me by mum and dad are used to pay for OUR FUCKING BILLS! I pay for the electricty. I pay for the internet. I pay for the fucking phone. HECK EVEN YOUR FUCKING MOBILE PHONE IS PAID FOR OUT OF THE MONEY I GET!! So don't you fucking go saying that they don't support you. And don't you dare imply that I spend this money on myself! Because I don't!!

You know, that's what parents are for. You only have 2 of them, and thats what they are for. To support their kids until they are able to stand on their own two feet and start their own lives. When I'm in need, no matter how embarrassing it may be, I'll ask them to help me out. I don't know what my sister's problem is. It's not my fault she decided to be independent. It's not my fault she decided to take her first few steps before she could stand properly. And now when times are tough, she blames my parents for not supporting her. NEWSFLASH. Get off your fucking high horse and if you need some financial help, ask for it! Don't go talking shit. Its your own fault you feel that way. You felt you were too good to be getting financial help off mummy and daddy. And now you blame them for not supporting you. Boo hoo! Grow up!

She says i should be ashamed of asking for handouts off mum and dad. Should i Be? Like fuck! - i never claimed to be independent like she did! I've always maintained that until i graduate and get my own full time job that i'd still be dependent on my parents.

Should i be ashamed of asking for money? I thought that was part of the deal, since whenever I'm back home, i spend every waking hour i have working on the farm with them UNPAID!. I've had to sacrifice so much! Since highschool ended 5 years ago, ever since i moved down here, I've only ever seen my school friends like 3 times. WHY? BEcause EVERY fucking time im at home im working. WORKING!!! Thats fucking why. I have no fucking friends because I'm always working to support my fucking family. So that they can fucking support me.

In the time I've been down here, which is like 5 years at the end of this year, my sister has only flown home like 3 or 4 times. I have to fly home every holiday i have. AND WORK!!

SO if you think that i should be ashamed, fucking pull your finger out and smell the roses!!

-----------------------------

With that said though, I do respect my sister for what she's doing. She works a part time job in order to pay our rent. I understand where she and her bf are coming from.

And i have been looking for a job. Anywhere but fast food. And i've specifically told them that. They both know that i'd do anything BUT fast food.

I just don't like how my sister has been treating me and belittling me. When she says something its like she's ordering me to do something. It comes across that way. I hate being told what to do, when I already know what i should be doing, and am doing what they are telling me to do. When that happens, i just ignore them, and stop doing what they want me to do. I dont' know why. Maybe I'm stubborn. Maybe its just a coping mechanism. In my head i just think "leave me the fuck alone already. i know what i have to do. and i won't do it until you go away!".

So thats my sad depressing life so far.

And now i really have to find myself a job.
You know, if worse comes to worse, i might have to start accepting cash for sex offers from manhunt or something. yeah call me a whore.

Lets just hope it doesn't have to come to that.

I haven't been feeling too well for the last day and a bit. I must've caught some sort of a bug, cos I've had a fever, vomiting, headaches, stomach pains, and aching muscles. Im feeling slightly better today but still not 100% yet.

I've been really bored as well. I'm not feeling good enough to be studying, yet I'm so over laying in bed.

This has been a pointless post, but anywho....

Election tommorrow.

I've realised I probably haven't had the best attitude for a while now. But I'd like to change that. I never made a new years resolution because then, I thought it was a rather silly idea and that I'd probably never keep to my promises. However, change is good, and right now I do need some change in my life. So im going to promise to myself:

- That I'd have a more positive outlook on life
- Take any negatives and turn them into a positive
- Be more proactive
- Keep focused on my uni work and career
- Take all opportunities I come across
- Be more sociable

And these promises start today.

Okay maybe tomorrow. Because today I want to run a muck.

We'll see how it goes.

I like colorful things :-). I bought a whole heap of hair styling products the other day off ebay, when i was feeling crappy, not because i needed any, or that it would necessarily make me look nicer, but simply because the containers were of bright colors which made me happy. I got some free gifts with them too. A pack of gum, some sort of instant coffee, and a sock. woohoo! I'm loving life already. Thumbs up for happy me.

It's so weird. I usually have the strangest dreams when I least expect it. When I've got a lot of drama going on around me, it never seems to manifest in my dreams. But then when everything seems to be alright, BAM it strikes.

I had an early morning class today, and I've been up since 4am, so when i got back from uni a bit after midday, I was heaps tired and fell asleep on my bed. I ended up in a dream land. It was really weird. I was on a bus. Not sure where we were heading though. But the bus did stop a at a few places so it must have been a tourist bus or something. I dont recall any of the faces on the bus. Except for one. She was the closest person i had to a grandmother (i've never met ANY of my blood relatives before) and she passed away almost two years ago. Actually thinking about it, the anniversary her of death is tomorrow, which is coincidental that my sub-conscience would remember this, where as I had actually forgotten.

So we're on the bus and I decided to sit next to her. I told her that i missed her and asked her to come back. But she told me that she has moved on and that I'll be fine without her. That was when we got off at some remote location. It was a lookout. It was a really strange landscape. She couldn't come with me, but i got off the bus and walked across what seemed like volcanic rock until i came to a valley. I crossed the valley, then climbed what seemed to be the steepest hill ever. By steep i mean almost vertical! But the view from the top was spectacular. There was a couple sitting on the top, back turned towards me. They loved each other a lot. You could just feel it. And then i looked into the sky and there was a message written out. I can't make out the exact message, but it was a message professing the couples love. After seeing that, I really wanted what that couple had, i wanted to have that same feeling of mutual trust, respect for each other and the passion they had for each other.

I climbed back down and crossed the black valley again. And then i felt a tapping on my leg. I looked around but didnt see anyone. I walked forward a few metres and felt that tapping again. I looked down and what I saw kind of surprised and shocked me. It was a hand, made of granite, that was floating in the air. It was made of rock but somehow it could move its fingers. I walked away from it, it followed, and then tapped me on the leg again. It followed me until i got back to the bus. The bus driver looked at me and said "thats black magic right there"

We got back on the bus. I sat beside grandma again. I can't remember what i asked her, but she replied with "They never told you. They won't EVER tell you. They've lied to you. All of them"

Our last stop was at grandmas house. Before i could even get up, a lady that i have a feeling i know, but i couldn't recognise came on to escort me out. It was strange because following her were several exact clones of her. She lead me through the door and closed the door behind me. I asked if grandma was going to come, and they said she had left already. It was then i noticed that all the people in the room were wielding rather large knives. I freaked out and started screaming before one of them came up to me and dropped the massive knife on me.

I woke up. I was in the living room of a family friends house. They have 2 young children, one 7 and one 5. I've known these kids since they were born. But what was strange was that they were sitting in the corner not saying a word, while I was playing with what looked to be clones of them.

I looked up at the wall and saw myself staring at a picture that looked really familiar. And then I woke up - that familiar picture was actually a picture I have on my bedroom wall and thats the first thing i saw when i woke up.

Hmm i'm really not sure what to say, but I think I may have sort of made a new friend.

I went out to a bowling event with a social group I signed up with at uni. There were about 50 or so people who turned up, and out of those people, I really only knew 5 of them. But they knew a lot more people than me, so that night, they sort of forgot about me, and I sat in the booth with my team. My team members all had a buddy they were with so apart from the obligatory introductions, we didn't really talk too much.

I'm risking sounding like a complete pessimist, but I wasn't really having too much fun. Its not that I don't like bowling, or that the other people weren't friendly. It's got a lot to do with myself. Around large groups, I get a bit anxious and I kind of become a bit of a recluse and retreat further back into my shell. I'm so bad with meeting new people and I get really nervous. You could say I'm socially awkward. I've always hated this about myself.

I guess its sort of how I've been brought up. I've never really had a chance to be with people my own age, and the only people I got to meet were adults. But even then, it wasn't 'proper' for me to talk to them unless I had been introduced. So I've always had this thing where unless the other party introduces themselves to me, or I get introduced to them by another person, I'd just sit or stand there in silence.

Its great if the other party introduces themsevles, but most of the time, because I never tend to make the first move, most people would just assume that I'm a snob. Which is completely untrue. And I hate the fact that I'm such a coward sometimes. Whats so hard about introducing yourself right?

So most of the night I put on a pretend face, and try to look happy. I try to be interested in whatever was happening. And when people talked to me I tried to be as social as I could. And then i realized how dull, boring and dry i am. I have no personality watsoever. I have nothing to talk about. After exchanging a few words, most people just went back to their own little group.

Fuck I hate myself sometimes. Why can't I have a little more life? Why can't I be a little more funny? Why am I so serious all the time? Why do i take things so literally and why am I so dry all the time? I wish i could change myself. But i can't seem to no matter how hard i try.

I think i've put out fake smiles and fake laughs so many times during my life now that I don't even know how it feels to be genuinely happy anymore.

When we were leaving though, I noticed that most people had formed groups, who lived in the same area. Like usual, I'm the only one travelling out my way. Until I noticed another guy by himself. So I asked him where he was headed. He lives in the suburb directly beside my suburb and was taking the train. My stop is the next one from his. So i said i'd train it back with him.

We had a bit of a chat and i found out some pretty interesting stuff about him. He's an international student, same age as me, doing his masters. He'd only been here for less than 3 weeks, and came alone. So he has no friends, and doesn't know anyone. At the train station he was going to buy a snack from the vending machines, but the machines didn't accept the coins he had. So i gave him some money. But he seemed a bit shy and reluctant to accept, so I bought it for him instead. He thanked me and then said something along the lines of he'll get me something next time we go out.

:-P did he say 'next time'? Well anyway we swapped phone numbers and he said he'd add me on FB.

He's not gay though i don't think so it'll be nothing more than just friends. But thats okay, because i could really use some friends right about now.

-------------------

There is something wrong with me. I can't get to sleep. For the last couple of years I've been taking either sleeping pills ( One time it ended up with me in hospital) or those herbal sleep aid things. My doctor has now refused to give me anymore sleep medicine as he thinks i'm becoming reliant on them. Okay fair enough. But the fact i can't get to sleep is making me physically ill. I never feel satisfied the next morning. I always feel tired. My mind is always blurred. I can't study, I can't learn. It really sucks. It literally feels like my head is going to explode. I've also got mild hypertension. And no, its not genetics because I've had my family tested and the only one is me.

When i do eventually fall asleep though, I keep getting these recurring dreams. Where either my teeth crumble into my hands, or my hair falls out. Its really disturbing.
I googled it and found some of these explanations:

Hair Falling Out
Since hair is commonly associated with power, dreaming of loosing hair is often an indicator that we feel like our energy is being drained away. Like tooth loss dreams there is often an accompanying feeling of helplessness that comes with dreams of hair loss. And like tooth loss dreams, hair loss dreams may point to feeling powerless to change a situation. If you dream of loosing hair, look at you life and see if there are relationships or situations which are energy drainers.

Teeth Falling Out
Dreaming that your teeth are falling out is one of the many common anxiety dreams. You may dream that your teeth are crumbling in your hands or that your teeth are falling out one by one with just a light tap. Such dreams are horrifying and shocking. So what does it mean?
One theory is that dreams about your teeth reflect your anxiety about your appearance and how others perceive you. These dreams may also be a fear of your sexual impotence, powerlessness or even getting old. Alternatively, you may fear being embarrassed in some specific situation. These dreams are an over-exaggeration of your worries and anxiety.

I admit, I do feel my situation is extremely energy draining, and that I'm helpless and can't do anything about it. I have a fear of being embarrassed or making a fool of myself. I worry too much about what people will think of me.

---

Last night I had this dream, where I was in my room. It was late at night. My brother had just come back and for some reason he was out in the backyard walking around the house, probably coming in through the back door so that he wouldn't wake anyone. But then he walks pass my window and peers through. For some reason I have images of naked men on my computer screen. I run over to close the curtains, but he's already seen it. "Why are you watching gay porn?" he questions me. I try to deny it, and run over to the screen and turn it off. The power button isn't working. So i pull the monitor down so its laying flat on my table. "What are you trying to hide?" he asks me. "Nothing!" i replied. He sticks his head through the window and shines a flash light at me, and I realise that I'm naked. I tell him to get out and no matter how much i push him, he's still there.

And thats when I feel my teeth crumbling. My mouth is bleeding badly and all my teeth fall out into my hands. I'm covered in blood. I have no idea what to do. I start crying.

Then I woke up.

---

These dreams aren't one offs. They keep constantly recurring. I don't know how to stop them.