Empty Spaces

I really wish my reflection would be able to talk back to me. Give me some advice and guidance through life. Tell me the things I need to hear, and occasionally the things I want to hear. Someone I can talk to and tell them all the things that are on my mind, the things that are worrying me, and those things that are weighing heavy on my chest. There are a few people I talk to, but every time I do, I feel terrible. I feel that I'm dumping my emotional issues onto them and becoming a burden. I just don't want to say anything anymore, or talk to anyone. To have some much bottled inside and not being able to let it out hurts. ---- Maybe my purpose in life was never to be happy. It seems like nothing ever goes right for me. I just don't know how to deal with any of this anymore. I want to run. I want to be gone. I want it all to end.

I wish for this all to end...

I take a step back and observe the progress that occurs around me. I reflect upon myself. I feel like I'm stagnating, while everyone else and everything else flourishes. Don't get me wrong, everyone faces obstacles and no road is ever smooth. But I feel like I don't have the drive in me to go the extra mile. I don't have it in me to WANT to go that extra mile. Its almost as if I've accepted that I'll never be able to go where I've wanted to go, so I stop trying. Its like I'm AFRAID to go there. I'm AFRAID of what I want. ---- I have no FIGHT in me. I have no DRIVE.

I don't want to feel this way, but I do. I don't know why I feel this way, but I just do. An intense sense of jealousy and frustration. I'm annoyed. I want him so bad, but I can't have him. If he knew the extent of how I feel towards him. I want him, physically, mentally, emotionally, sexually. But I can't have him. He's my unobtanium. And yet there is someone else who wants me probably just as bad as I want the aforementioned. And it pains me to great lengths just knowing that I don't reciprocate the feelings that are had for me. I want my unobtanium. ----- Is it slightly perverse that I spend too much time and mental capacity thinking about sex and self-gratification? Perhaps it's a coping mechanism, used to escape all the shit and uncertainty that surrounds me at the moment. Is it slightly selfish that I can't help but think of myself and feel sorry for myself when there are other people more in need and in a worser situation than myself? Sometimes I stop caring. Sometimes I just want it all to end. Sometimes I wish certain individuals knew how i felt towards them and maybe just maybe they'd reciprocate. I'm being selfish again. I just want to have my cake and eat it too. I want to indulge. ----- So fucking jealous...

What does that actually mean? What do you do when someone has fallen for you so hard that they make you the centre of their life? What are you supposed to tell them when you've moved on and dont feel that way anymore? What are you supposed to say to that person when you know you don't LOVE them in that way? Am I too easily letting go of something that could be the best thing thats ever happened to me? Am I not trying hard enough? Its hard when your head says one thing but your heart says another. What is LOVE anyway?

It hurts so bad when you take a step back and look at your life and realise that its going absolutely nowhere and no matter how much effort you put in it feels like you're just flailing in the water not getting anywhere. Sometimes it feels like life isnt worth it.

no not really.

Havent been on here for a while. For many reasons. For none at all. Partly because coming on here means that more often than not i will have a problem or an issue. I dont want to have a problem or an issue so i stopped coming here hoping that said problem or issue will just dissappear. And if it doesn't dissappear, i'll just pretend that i never had a problem or issue in the first place. Because if i just hide it inside and pretend it doesnt exist, then it doesnt exist right?

A lot of things have happened since the last time i wrote a proper post. Many things have changed. Some for the better some for the worse. The things around me have changed and my circumstances have changed. Yet the feeling within me is more or less the same. The void and the darkness is still there.

This existence still feels empty and pointless. I try too hard to find meaning in my life. What if life doesn't actually have a meaning at all?

So...
1) Graduated
2) Meltdown
3) Lost
4) Relocated
5) Disconnected
6) Reconnected
7) Confusion
8) Frustration
9) Depression

Thats life so far.




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Light1