Empty Spaces

I've realised I probably haven't had the best attitude for a while now. But I'd like to change that. I never made a new years resolution because then, I thought it was a rather silly idea and that I'd probably never keep to my promises. However, change is good, and right now I do need some change in my life. So im going to promise to myself:

- That I'd have a more positive outlook on life
- Take any negatives and turn them into a positive
- Be more proactive
- Keep focused on my uni work and career
- Take all opportunities I come across
- Be more sociable

And these promises start today.

Okay maybe tomorrow. Because today I want to run a muck.

We'll see how it goes.

I like colorful things :-). I bought a whole heap of hair styling products the other day off ebay, when i was feeling crappy, not because i needed any, or that it would necessarily make me look nicer, but simply because the containers were of bright colors which made me happy. I got some free gifts with them too. A pack of gum, some sort of instant coffee, and a sock. woohoo! I'm loving life already. Thumbs up for happy me.

It's so weird. I usually have the strangest dreams when I least expect it. When I've got a lot of drama going on around me, it never seems to manifest in my dreams. But then when everything seems to be alright, BAM it strikes.

I had an early morning class today, and I've been up since 4am, so when i got back from uni a bit after midday, I was heaps tired and fell asleep on my bed. I ended up in a dream land. It was really weird. I was on a bus. Not sure where we were heading though. But the bus did stop a at a few places so it must have been a tourist bus or something. I dont recall any of the faces on the bus. Except for one. She was the closest person i had to a grandmother (i've never met ANY of my blood relatives before) and she passed away almost two years ago. Actually thinking about it, the anniversary her of death is tomorrow, which is coincidental that my sub-conscience would remember this, where as I had actually forgotten.

So we're on the bus and I decided to sit next to her. I told her that i missed her and asked her to come back. But she told me that she has moved on and that I'll be fine without her. That was when we got off at some remote location. It was a lookout. It was a really strange landscape. She couldn't come with me, but i got off the bus and walked across what seemed like volcanic rock until i came to a valley. I crossed the valley, then climbed what seemed to be the steepest hill ever. By steep i mean almost vertical! But the view from the top was spectacular. There was a couple sitting on the top, back turned towards me. They loved each other a lot. You could just feel it. And then i looked into the sky and there was a message written out. I can't make out the exact message, but it was a message professing the couples love. After seeing that, I really wanted what that couple had, i wanted to have that same feeling of mutual trust, respect for each other and the passion they had for each other.

I climbed back down and crossed the black valley again. And then i felt a tapping on my leg. I looked around but didnt see anyone. I walked forward a few metres and felt that tapping again. I looked down and what I saw kind of surprised and shocked me. It was a hand, made of granite, that was floating in the air. It was made of rock but somehow it could move its fingers. I walked away from it, it followed, and then tapped me on the leg again. It followed me until i got back to the bus. The bus driver looked at me and said "thats black magic right there"

We got back on the bus. I sat beside grandma again. I can't remember what i asked her, but she replied with "They never told you. They won't EVER tell you. They've lied to you. All of them"

Our last stop was at grandmas house. Before i could even get up, a lady that i have a feeling i know, but i couldn't recognise came on to escort me out. It was strange because following her were several exact clones of her. She lead me through the door and closed the door behind me. I asked if grandma was going to come, and they said she had left already. It was then i noticed that all the people in the room were wielding rather large knives. I freaked out and started screaming before one of them came up to me and dropped the massive knife on me.

I woke up. I was in the living room of a family friends house. They have 2 young children, one 7 and one 5. I've known these kids since they were born. But what was strange was that they were sitting in the corner not saying a word, while I was playing with what looked to be clones of them.

I looked up at the wall and saw myself staring at a picture that looked really familiar. And then I woke up - that familiar picture was actually a picture I have on my bedroom wall and thats the first thing i saw when i woke up.

Hmm i'm really not sure what to say, but I think I may have sort of made a new friend.

I went out to a bowling event with a social group I signed up with at uni. There were about 50 or so people who turned up, and out of those people, I really only knew 5 of them. But they knew a lot more people than me, so that night, they sort of forgot about me, and I sat in the booth with my team. My team members all had a buddy they were with so apart from the obligatory introductions, we didn't really talk too much.

I'm risking sounding like a complete pessimist, but I wasn't really having too much fun. Its not that I don't like bowling, or that the other people weren't friendly. It's got a lot to do with myself. Around large groups, I get a bit anxious and I kind of become a bit of a recluse and retreat further back into my shell. I'm so bad with meeting new people and I get really nervous. You could say I'm socially awkward. I've always hated this about myself.

I guess its sort of how I've been brought up. I've never really had a chance to be with people my own age, and the only people I got to meet were adults. But even then, it wasn't 'proper' for me to talk to them unless I had been introduced. So I've always had this thing where unless the other party introduces themselves to me, or I get introduced to them by another person, I'd just sit or stand there in silence.

Its great if the other party introduces themsevles, but most of the time, because I never tend to make the first move, most people would just assume that I'm a snob. Which is completely untrue. And I hate the fact that I'm such a coward sometimes. Whats so hard about introducing yourself right?

So most of the night I put on a pretend face, and try to look happy. I try to be interested in whatever was happening. And when people talked to me I tried to be as social as I could. And then i realized how dull, boring and dry i am. I have no personality watsoever. I have nothing to talk about. After exchanging a few words, most people just went back to their own little group.

Fuck I hate myself sometimes. Why can't I have a little more life? Why can't I be a little more funny? Why am I so serious all the time? Why do i take things so literally and why am I so dry all the time? I wish i could change myself. But i can't seem to no matter how hard i try.

I think i've put out fake smiles and fake laughs so many times during my life now that I don't even know how it feels to be genuinely happy anymore.

When we were leaving though, I noticed that most people had formed groups, who lived in the same area. Like usual, I'm the only one travelling out my way. Until I noticed another guy by himself. So I asked him where he was headed. He lives in the suburb directly beside my suburb and was taking the train. My stop is the next one from his. So i said i'd train it back with him.

We had a bit of a chat and i found out some pretty interesting stuff about him. He's an international student, same age as me, doing his masters. He'd only been here for less than 3 weeks, and came alone. So he has no friends, and doesn't know anyone. At the train station he was going to buy a snack from the vending machines, but the machines didn't accept the coins he had. So i gave him some money. But he seemed a bit shy and reluctant to accept, so I bought it for him instead. He thanked me and then said something along the lines of he'll get me something next time we go out.

:-P did he say 'next time'? Well anyway we swapped phone numbers and he said he'd add me on FB.

He's not gay though i don't think so it'll be nothing more than just friends. But thats okay, because i could really use some friends right about now.

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There is something wrong with me. I can't get to sleep. For the last couple of years I've been taking either sleeping pills ( One time it ended up with me in hospital) or those herbal sleep aid things. My doctor has now refused to give me anymore sleep medicine as he thinks i'm becoming reliant on them. Okay fair enough. But the fact i can't get to sleep is making me physically ill. I never feel satisfied the next morning. I always feel tired. My mind is always blurred. I can't study, I can't learn. It really sucks. It literally feels like my head is going to explode. I've also got mild hypertension. And no, its not genetics because I've had my family tested and the only one is me.

When i do eventually fall asleep though, I keep getting these recurring dreams. Where either my teeth crumble into my hands, or my hair falls out. Its really disturbing.
I googled it and found some of these explanations:

Hair Falling Out
Since hair is commonly associated with power, dreaming of loosing hair is often an indicator that we feel like our energy is being drained away. Like tooth loss dreams there is often an accompanying feeling of helplessness that comes with dreams of hair loss. And like tooth loss dreams, hair loss dreams may point to feeling powerless to change a situation. If you dream of loosing hair, look at you life and see if there are relationships or situations which are energy drainers.

Teeth Falling Out
Dreaming that your teeth are falling out is one of the many common anxiety dreams. You may dream that your teeth are crumbling in your hands or that your teeth are falling out one by one with just a light tap. Such dreams are horrifying and shocking. So what does it mean?
One theory is that dreams about your teeth reflect your anxiety about your appearance and how others perceive you. These dreams may also be a fear of your sexual impotence, powerlessness or even getting old. Alternatively, you may fear being embarrassed in some specific situation. These dreams are an over-exaggeration of your worries and anxiety.

I admit, I do feel my situation is extremely energy draining, and that I'm helpless and can't do anything about it. I have a fear of being embarrassed or making a fool of myself. I worry too much about what people will think of me.

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Last night I had this dream, where I was in my room. It was late at night. My brother had just come back and for some reason he was out in the backyard walking around the house, probably coming in through the back door so that he wouldn't wake anyone. But then he walks pass my window and peers through. For some reason I have images of naked men on my computer screen. I run over to close the curtains, but he's already seen it. "Why are you watching gay porn?" he questions me. I try to deny it, and run over to the screen and turn it off. The power button isn't working. So i pull the monitor down so its laying flat on my table. "What are you trying to hide?" he asks me. "Nothing!" i replied. He sticks his head through the window and shines a flash light at me, and I realise that I'm naked. I tell him to get out and no matter how much i push him, he's still there.

And thats when I feel my teeth crumbling. My mouth is bleeding badly and all my teeth fall out into my hands. I'm covered in blood. I have no idea what to do. I start crying.

Then I woke up.

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These dreams aren't one offs. They keep constantly recurring. I don't know how to stop them.

I had the worst night sleep last night. I was feeling pretty down and it was freaking cold. I really need to get a new doona, at least one that will keep in some form of heat. I was pretty much shivering the whole night.

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I have no idea why we were there, but I had convinced TN to come out with me to the city. He was there with me, but I just had this feeling that he didn't want to be there. We were going to go on a tour of a milk factory. The Parmalat factory in Southbank to be precise. Don't ask me why we'd do that though. The factory is located pretty much on the edge of the river.

TN & I are walking along the edge of the river, when I notice a red dot on my leg. I look around and see nothing. I look down and the red dot has moved up from my leg to my chest. And that was when i noticed, on the other side of the river, a sniper, dressed in camo with his sniper rifle aimed at me.

I grabbed TN by the arm and told him to run. As we ran I lost grip of him. I turned back and he's dissappeared. I don't know what to do, so I just keep running, before jumping over a fence into a residential yard, and hiding behind some shrubs. From behind the shrub i could see a group of men, dressed in black walking along the side walk in front of the house. One of them turns to where I am and points my way, before saying something into his collar mounted microphone. Another guy pulls out a gun from his jacket and fires several shots my way. I freak out and just bolt. I jump over the back fence. Behind the houses is a concrete spillway or drain. So i jump down into that and run through the dark pipes.

I eventually emerge from a manhole onto a deserted street. Theres noone around me. All of a sudden I see bullets flying my way from all directions. I drop to the ground, and then crawl my way behind a telephone booth, before jumping into a patch of tall grass. Across the street I notice a car. I thought to myself this could be my getaway. It was a Yellow mazda SP23. I made a run for it, but when I get to the car, its no longer a SP23. Its a yellow 626. Okay i thought, this will still do. I look around again, and I see all these men in black walking out of the houses towards me. SHIT. I try to open the door. But to my surprise when i turn back, its no longer a 626. It's a go kart. Oh god i thought. Still better than nothing. As i jumped into, i realised it wasn't a go kart i was in anymore. I was sitting in a cardboard box.

I was as good as dead. I burst into tears. I jumped out of the box and just ran. Ran in no particular direction. To no particular destination. I just ran. and ran. and ran. until my legs gave out and i collapsed on the road. I looked back and all i could see was the light from a dozen or more laser pointers aimed at my head.

I woke up.

Seriously. Since dinner, I've had this on my mind the whole night. I can't get it out of my head and its making me feel rather depressed. My sister's bf came back to visit, and we went out to dinner, with another friend of his and his gf. While in the restaurant, they started talking about politics, migration, xenophobia, and eventually the topic turned to homophobia and gay people in general.

They said so many horrible things. Really degrading and a lot of it was stereotypes and completely unfounded. I'm not going to repeat anything they said, but it was really hurtful. The whole time I just sat there. After hearing those things, I just didn't want to be associated with them anymore. I wished I wasn't there. I guess I don't really act 'gay' so they probably didn't know any better. If only they knew though. Part of me wanted to tell them right then and there. Just so they knew how much damage they were doing by saying those things.

To make things worse, they were really loud and obnoxious. I'm sure most of the people in the place heard what they were talking about.

It's times like this that I wished I didn't have a life, because honestly there's nothing to live for.