How to Arrange Everything inside a Big Closet?
8 years ago
I can't believe it. Im beginning to have nightmares about Hayden now....
We're alone at my place, and theres noone else here. I can't remember what he was doing but I recall grabbing his arm. He looked at me, and then I just kissed him. A quick peck on the lips. He didn't resist. He just looked at me. I assumed he was ok with it, so i went in for a proper kiss. But this time he pulled away. He told me that we couldnt do this, and we had to go downstairs. He asked me if i remembered. He said he had to go downstairs. I dont know why. I dont remember. Why did he have to go downstairs? What did he tell me earlier? Before he left, he stood there, and let me hug him. It was a long comforting hug. And then he left me. He didn't talk to me. I called out to him. He didn't answer. And then a great sadness fell upon me.
I woke up in tears.
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Theres much bigger problems going on around me. Been helping out with the flood cleanups. But its been incredibly difficult for me to get to sleep the last few days. Im falling into the cycle again. Falling into the spiral of depression. Its like WTF, there are people out there who have lost their homes, lost everything, and lost loved ones. And you're here being all depressed. Get a grip on yourself!!!!
Since the coming out....I haven't communicated with EV. I dont know how i feel about her anymore. I dont want to answer anythign that she says to me. But at the same time, its also killing me that she doesnt know why im not talking to her, or what she's done.
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3 comments:
You seems to have repressed many of your desires, proven from many posts about you having nightmare.
About Hayden, don't be hesitated in saying all loving words to him. When you love someone, just be brave including to take all consequences...
Hey...about windows live...seems like you never online.....what is wrong?
Its probably true that my dreams stem from repressed desires and emotions. Im not sure whats going to happen with me and hayden. we'll see what happens.
about msn/windows live. i go online occassionally, but not all the time. you may have just missed me when i was on.
Your awake desires and fears are bleeding through into your dreamscape. Only you can decide whats really the right thing for you to do. But for whatever its worth, I think you to feel loved and cared for. Does this mean a sexual relationship? Or would a platonic friendship fulfill this need?
I'm sorry, but i think what is causing your unhappiness and spiral depression is your inability to be who you really are. If you talk to almost any of our "family", coming out changes every thing. Life is not as fractured as living in the dark desperate hidden spaces can be.
The hard work of exploring the truth as to who you are, and what gender you love has been done. Yes, life will never be the same again in your family, so coming out to them for a while isnt really in your best interests. But, I think its totally safe for you to come out at school, and with your friends. Have one shiny corner of your life where you can live as YOU.
I dont see how you being out at school, with your personal friends could snap back at you by having your family know. Just give it a thought, yeah?
hugs and smiles!
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