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Last night.....I came out to a friend from highschool. His names Charlie.

I was put on the spot. I didnt' know what to do. I didnt know what to say.
So conversation pretty much went like "Charlie: Hi, Me: Hey hows it going, Charlie: Yeah pretty good. Look we need to have a serious talk, because I will be quite upset if what im going to confirm with you is true or not."

From just that sentence my heart skipped a beat. I KNEW already what he was going to ask me. How did he know? Why did he know? And what would he think?

Charlie: I'll be upset, not if its true or not, but because you felt you couldn't tell me, thinking that i would mind, when in fact i would be happy for you. Now tell me the truth, because my sister tells me something that I should have heard first hand and been happy for you. Forgive the bluntness and dont take this the wrong way if its not true, but she tells me that you admit to being openly gay and if its true, then im happy for you and a little disappointed that you didnt tell me first hand and suprised. Suprised because I really didn't see it coming.

At this point, I have mixed emotions. I dont know whether I should be glad that as a friend, he fully supported me, and did not judge me for who i am, or whether i should be fearful, or angry, annoyed.

I reacted in a defensive manner. I didn't answer his question. Instead i interrogated him on his source of information. Turns out that he heard from his sister, which heard from the sister of a friend, EV, who apparently got the information from EV herself.

At NO stage watsoever, have i EVER mentioned or told EV about myself. So it came to me as a complete shock.

Me: Charlie, you do realise that you're putting me on the spot atm. I mean, its like I could tell you either way right now, but the thing is, you've already heard the second hand information from people to whom i've apparently 'openly admitted' to. So does it matter at all what i tell you now?

Charlie: I could dance around it, but then I dont want to make it into a big deal when its not that big of a deal to me. well if one person had just told me I wouldnt give it any credit, but when apparently and supposedly its info passed down a chain as fact, I take it with a bit more salt. but if its not true, then I will believe you, and you have my word.

Me:ok well... tell me something. what kind of a friend do you see me as?

Charlie: A dear old friend

Me: And as a dear old friend, you would know that anything you tell me that you would wish to remain as confidential, and only for me to know of,... you know that i would never breach that trust?

Charlie:
yes I would. I would entrust that our almost decade of friendship would ensure that

Me: Well apparently friendship doesn't necessarily mean trust. As i've jsut found out.

Me: i've known you for like 10 years. and you're probably the closest friend i have from highschool, so i want to ask you of something

Charlie:
ask away old friend

Me: whatever is said in this conversation, do you give me your word that you'll keep between just you and me

Charlie:
on the 10 years of friendship you have my word
may they all be for naught and ash if I do otherwise

Me: firstly, i want to apologise. im so sorry. im not sorry that i didnt' say or tell you, but sorry that you had to hear it from these other people. truth is, i had never admitted to being 'openly gay' and right now, im in shock, and disbelief, that something i had told someone a long time ago, in confidence that he'd keep it confidential, has obviously been leaked, and now it has become some form of stupid game of chinese whispers. to be brutally blunt - i dont know what to tell you. i guess i'll say im 'questioning' myself

Charlie:
bi curious?

Me: well i guess you could say that

Charlie:
well ok then im glad its out in the open between us

Me:
i never told you, because i haven't even been able to accept it in myself yet. So you can imagine how i feel about telling other people when i can't even tell myself.
its not because i didnt want to tell you, believe me

Charlie:
I would have thought you would trust me to be ok with it regardless if you yourself werent. I know I call things gay and make "gay" refrences, but its a word ingrained to mean "stupid" or "dumb", more than to mean homosexuality and does not reflect my true feelings on the subject, which is one of total indifference and acceptance
If you are a bi curious, than I am fine with that and I can only hope that when you settle on a side, or simply choose the middle, that someone no matter who or what gender they may be, makes you happy. because as your friend, that is my concern as a friend for you: that you are happy

Me: thanks for understanding. i appreciate it greatly, and i am so grateful for your friendship and support

Charlie:
I would expect the same for any of my friends, only right and proper to do the same
and even more so for my oldest friends

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Im not upset that Charlie now knows. Im not upset or regret that i came out to him. What i am upset and confused about is how EV found out, and why she felt that she could so easily share this information with other people. I mean, she has NEVER even tried to talk to me about the issue. I feel so disrespected, and honestly i dont know if i want to talk to her or see her.

EV and I have a long history. A history with major ups and downs. I have HUGE trust issues with her, as a result of something that she did to me in the past. For 2 years, i couldn't stand to look at her, see her or even talk to her. For 2 years i ignored her and tried to cut her out of my life. It took me 2 years to finally come around and be in a position to be able to communicate with her again. I thought since highschool, since we both formed a closer bond since that incident, that i could trust her again. It has taken me almost 7 years to be comfortable being around her again. And now im not so sure anymore.

I dont know where she heard it from, but even if she did hear rumours, i am just so shocked as to why she didn't have the decency to even just ask me about it, before she went and ranted to other people. I just dont understand. This isn't just some little secret that will blow over with the wind. This is a secret that can and probably will affect someone for the rest of their life. So now, my secret, is apparently floating around, making the rounds.

Apart from my blogger friends, there were only 2 people in the entire world, who i actually told in real life. SN, & LS. Back in highschool. More than 5 years ago. I told them i was bi-curious, under confidence that whatever was said to them was confidential and between ONLY me and them. They gave me their word, and promised me.

I dont know if LS told anyone. But I have a feeling that SN may have told a few people. The only way EV could have known is if SN told her. Afterall, they were going out when I told SN my secret. He PROMISED me.

A few weeks back, I received a FB msg from BC, another friend from highschool which i hadn't seen or heard from for a long time. We had a falling out in highschool. He was apparently bi, and apparently i gave mixed messages. When he acted on those messages, i freaked out. He said he didnt want to have anythign to do with me until i could give him an answer. I never did.

This message from BC, asked me how i was doing and whether i had a BF yet, because apparently i was 'thinking [I] was bi and all...' back in highschool. I questioned him about it, since i had never explicitly admitted or told him any such thing.

Again, that message that i got, was a bit of a surprise. I had never told BC. I had never told EV. But how did these people know? Im going to take a stab and say again, SN - a friend who i thought i could trust.

I dont know. Maybe im making a big deal out of the situation. But what if im not? I grew up in a small town. Small enough that everyone knows everyone else, and word spreads like wildfire. If Charlie has heard, then how many other people have heard?

Heck I haven't even had to courage to tell my family yet, so I'd be physically sick, if this game of chinese whispers comes around to my family members.

All the dreams i've had about being outed. All my fears. It feels as if everythign i've been afraid of has begun.